The Best How I Met Your Mother, Season 5, Episode 5 Quotes

Ted: Marshall and I haven't done something, just the two of us, for so long. Ever since he got married, he's turned from an "I" to a "We".
Barney: What do you mean?
Ted: Think about it.
Ted: [Flashback] Hey, haven't seen you all week. How you doing?
Marshall: [With Lily] We're doing great.
Ted: Do you watch the Jets game?
Marshall: We most certainly did.
Ted: How'd things go at the doctor?
Marshall: We no longer have a hemorrhoid problem.

Robin: What happened?
Barney: You went Canadian.
Robin: How Canadian?
Barney: This Canadian!
[Dramatically opens curtains of hotel room; a building blocks the view]
Barney: That was supposed to be a dramatic view of the Toronto skyline. We're in Toronto!

Barney: It's not gonna be easy, like the Canadian citizenship test.
Robin: How do you know the Canadian citizenship test is easy?
Barney: It's Canada! Question One: Do you want to be Canadian? Question Two: Really?

Barney: Attention Canada! I am Barney from America, and I am here to fix your backward ass country. Number one, get real money. Don't know what board game this came from, but it's a joke. Number two, and this is the biggy, quit letting awesome chicks, like Robin Scherbatsky, get away. Because, guess what, you don't want her, I'm planting my flag in her, if you know what I mean, which you probably don't, and getting the hell outta here, you may now return to being pointless.

Marshall: Back in college, Ted and I used to take these crazy road trips from Connecticut all the way to Chicago just for Gazzola's pizza.
Ted: 2 hours. No map. We'd just jump in the Fiero and drive. We were like Lewis and Clark, if Lewis and Clark peed in empty soda bottles and had a bong made out of a cantaloupe.
Marshall: Man, those Gazzola trips, that's... that's when we really became bros.
Ted: We ate nothing but jerky.
Marshall: Drank nothing but Tantrum.
Narrator: Ah, Tantrum. Tantrum was a soft drink with the highest caffeine content legally available over the counter. It was eventually discontinued after an extensive study by the FDA.
[Shows ratss on tantrum in a cage. The rats are very hyper. One rat literally explodes]
Marshall: Oh, man, we went through a whole case of Tantrum one trip.
Ted: I was color blind for two weeks after that.
Marshall: I think that's the reason that I pass out when I hear church bells.

Barney: Those Canadian doctors bandaged me up, put my shoulder back in its socket, and reset my jaw, and they didn't even bill me. Idiots!

Barney: You're gonna pass that test, and I'm gonna help you. I'm gonna drill you, and then we're gonna study. We're gonna cram, and then we're gonna study. We're gonna bone up...
Robin: All right, I get it.
Barney: It's a rich area.

Barney: Last question. Who is this?
[Holds up picture of Ernest P Worrell]
Robin: That is the fine actor best known for the Hey Vern series of films. And his name is Jeff Foxworthy.
Barney: Wrong. It's Jim Varney.
Robin: It's Jeff Foxworthy, you idiot!
Barney: Robin, not only were you wrong, but you stubbornly stuck to your guns and insulted me in the process.
[Salutes]
Barney: Congratulations, you are an American.

Barney: You can be an American, but first we have to take the Canadian out of you. That's why I prepared these set of questions. Question one: Who is this?
[Holds up picture of Queen Elizabeth II]
Robin: Queen Elizabeth II.
Barney: Wrong! The correct answer is Elton John. Question two: What is this?
[Holds up picture of curling players]
Robin: That is the sport of curling. The point is...
Barney: Wrong! The correct answer is: I don't care, it looks dumb.

Barney: [Looking at Canadian money] And there's kids playing hockey on the back. It's like you *want* us to make fun of you.

Robin: Make fun of the Great White North all you want, but Canada is the greatest country in the world.
Barney: Great... Social experiment.
[Chants]
Barney: U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
[Rest of the bar joins in]
Robin: What does that even prove? They'll chant at anything. Ca-na-da! Ca-na-da!
[No one joins in]
Robin: Ca-na... all right, so they won't chant at anything.
Barney: [Chants] Shrimp fried rice! Shrimp fried rice!
[rest of the bar joins in]
Ted: [Coming in] Shrimp fried rice, totally!

Barney: [Looking at Canadian coins] Look at this money! This one has a moose, this one has a beaver, and they all have Elton John on the back.

- if you know what I mean, which you probably don't, and getting her the hell out of here.
- You may now return to being pointless.
- Oh, this coffee is excellent.
- Oh, hey, fellas.
- It's called a tie.

- You're not upset because you're worried she's mad.
- You're upset because you'd rather be with her, eating muffins than here with me, eating this delicious...
- I think one of my mushrooms just crawled away.
- You know what?
- That mushroom's not the only thing that's leaving.
- Car keys, please.

- I think that's the reason that I pass out when I hear church bells.
- It's probably a good thing they're closing Gazzola's.
- Those trips were brutal, right?
- The long hours in the car, the motion sickness, the smell...
- So, what time are we leaving for Gazzola's tomorrow?
- I was thinking
- 9:00, 9:30.
- Hmm.

Miss: Crumpet Manor is listed in the American Registry of Historic Bed and Breakfasts. Our door is opened on Christmas day, 1881. And we have catered to couples ever since.
Marshall: Well, I mean, single people can have fun here, too, right?
Miss: Oh, I suppose I could arrange a little recreation.
[to Ted]
Miss: Do you enjoy sitting on a bench?