The Best How I Met Your Mother, Season 6, Episode 17 Quotes

Barney: You've been pork free so long you're practically kosher.

Barney: [refusing to acknowledge his feelings for Nora] I don't get smitten, I smite!

Barney: She was a really great Lazer Tag partner. She's tiny so she's allowed to push kids.

The: Maritime Protocol demands physical retribution!

Marshall: All right guys, I have to go. I have a big, meaningless stack of paperwork that I have to get off my desk to make room for tomorrow's big, meaningless stack of paperwork. But it's all worth it, you know, cause... at least I know I'm making the world a... place.

Barney: With great penis comes great responsibility.

- Five weeks, three days, by my estimation.
- You should work at a carnival.
- I tried.
- They're pretty strict with backgrounds.
- Anyway, we should get going.
- Yeah, I'll walk out with you guys.
- Good night.
- Good night, guys.

- You put it that way, I should almost thank the doorman.
- Yeah! Yeah!
- And, you know, since-- since it doesn't really matter who Zoey's dating now--
- It doesn't.
- It really doesn't.
- It doesn't.
- It's me.
- You're welcome.

Lily: You should work at a carnival.
Barney: I tried; they're pretty strict with backgrounds.

The: [At his study, The Captain talks to Ted about Zoey leaving him for another man] Once upon a time, Zoey and I were happy, blissful as Arcadian shepherds. I was Poseidon, she my Amphitrite. I dare say, not even Scylla and Charybdis could not have torn us asunder. We had great big boners for each other! But then, enter the scoundrel.
[imagines scene of Zoey watching horror movie with half-naked thick moustached version of Ted]
Zoey: Oh man, this movie is scary.
Ted: [Scoundrel Ted] I know, right?
The: [Back in reality] I don't know who he is, but I pictured him with a mustache.
Ted: Limit the search to guys with mustaches. Smart.
The: Anyway, soon the inevitable happened. She told me she was in love with someone else. Obviously, it made me angry.
Ted: And the, that was the last time you saw her...
The: ...but I gathered my composure and told her I'd do anything to keep her. I begged her not to leave. We made love that night...
Ted: [spits out drink] It's damned good brandy.

- Call her?
- Robin, three things: She had a nice face, her booty was in place, but Barney don't chase.
- That is ridiculous.
- Barney, you know what?
- Here's some advice.
- Totally.