The Best Lucifer, Season 2, Episode 2 Quotes

Chloe: Oh, are you praying or-...
Lucifer: Yes, usually works. He must've gone for a wank or something.

Lucifer: Hawaiian print? The eighth deadly sin.

[Sighs] Wish I'd found this before I ate out of those street bins.
- Humans are silly animals, aren't they?
- Weak. Fragile.
- That's what I'm counting on.
- Now... where were we?

- At least, not then.
- Uh, mum?
- Hmm?
- I think you left out a minor detail.
- Oh, dear.
- J'j'

Lucifer: [Walking right past a couple of bodyguards] Hello chaps, just looking for the head of a big drug cartel. Is he home? Vicky?

Ella: You see the bruising and the semi-circular marks on her neck?
Chloe: Strangled.
Lucifer: Aha. Long fingernails, which means the killer's female.
Ella: Not necessarily. I mean, the marks aren't deep. It could just be a dude who's not serious man-groomer.
Lucifer: Come on. It's so obvious; your cinder-hellion had just plunged a screwdriver into the poor lad, when she was interrupted by the chambermaid, who she then snuffed out with her bare hands.
Chloe: Chambermaid? Who's the killer, Mrs. Peacock in the library with the candlestick?

Charlotte: I apologize for my human form, but... at least this one has supreme hindquarters.
Lucifer: You're lying.
Charlotte: No. They're quite sturdy, feel it.
Lucifer: I wasn't referring, nor will I ever refer, to your butt, Mother.

Lucifer: [At a solarium, after throwing a thug through a wall full of drugs] Oh! Oh look at that: snow storm in a tanning salon, how ironic.

Lucifer: You're gonna have to lose those clothes. They're a serious problem.
[Charlotte starts undressing]
Lucifer: Taking you home, 'cause this being out in public thing obviously isn't working. And then I'm going to see my colleague.
[Lucifer looks at his mother]
Lucifer: Mum!
[looks away realizing she's standing there nude]
Charlotte: Yes?
Lucifer: You're... naked!
Charlotte: Well you said clothes were a problem, so problem solved.
Lucifer: In the bloody car, will you!
[he takes his jacket off and covers her]
Lucifer: I'm going to be traumatized for eternity. Thank you very much for that.

Charlotte: At least I've managed to keep this flesh sack in one piece. It has not been easy. Quite a few of the male species have been eying me hungrily. Do humans eat their own?

Dan: I really don't think it's the missing woman, Lucifer. It's a little unusual for a woman to strangle someone.
Lucifer: But look at the size of the bruising; clearly not man hands.
Ella: I've seen some guys with some pretty tiny lady hands.
Lucifer: Dan doesn't count.

Charlotte: Humans are silly animals, aren't they? Weak. Fragile.
Mazikeen: That's what I'm counting on.

- You abandoned me, mum.
- You just stood by and watched as I was cast out.
- Thrown into hell and vilified for all eternity.
- There aren't enough cheesy noodles in the universe to fix all that, I'm afraid.
- Okay.

Lucifer: Maze? Ah, good, you're still here. I have a job for you.
Mazikeen: On my way out, Lucifer. No more jobs.
Lucifer: Yes, yes, I know. You don't work for me anymore. Very clear. But I have a feeling you're gonna love this one. Just think of it as a parting gift.

- Information on his death.
- Well, I-I don't recognize him.
- Wait, does that mean you think Charlotte is alive?
- Define "alive."
Chloe: When was the last time you saw her?

- in her time of need, detective.
- I don't know what happened between you and your mother.
- And if you ever want to talk about it, I'm here for you.
- But listen to me.
- Doing what's best for your child...
- It doesn't always make 'em happy.

- All right, you can stay.
- For now.
- Just until I...
- Figure out what I need to do.
- Thank you, son.
- Yeah.

- Mm-hmm.
- Maybe if you didn't think so much about yourself and more about how you treat others, things wouldn't be so trying.
- It's called Karma.
- Might want to research that.

- And all my children again in heaven.
- I want what your father took from me.
- I want my home back.
- But I know that's not possible.
- So I want to do what I can to be a good mother to you here, on earth.

- Until I've worked out whether she's lying or not, she can't be trusted.
- You want me to babysit?
- Well, "my mum in the body of a disturbingly hot woman"-sit, but yes, for now.
[Clicks tongue] Mmm.

Lucifer: Perhaps we shouldn't have borrowed from Maze. Her clothing is insufficient.
Charlotte: Yes. Half my hide is exposed. Human attire is very impractical.

Ella: Good eye, Luce!
Lucifer: [outraged stare]
Ella: ...ifer.

- See if I can restore it.
- Yeah, fast as you can, Ella;
- We have to proceed as if this missing woman is still alive, okay?
- Yeah.
- I don't want to find another body.
- Trust me, you will not find another body.
- I found a body.

- Why don't you go speak to my attorney.
- He's two doors down.
- Why would you divulge privileged information to a guy who's now clearly our lead suspect?
- Sorry. I'll get that protocol thing down one day.
- J'j'

Charlotte: I want what your father took from me. I want my home back. But I know that's not possible. So I want to do what I can to be a good mother to you here, on Earth.
Lucifer: It's too late. You abandoned me, Mum. You just stood by and watched as I was cast out. Thrown into Hell and vilified for all eternity. There aren't enough cheesy noodles in the universe to fix all that, I'm afraid,

Charlotte: [watching a mac and cheese commercial] Mazikeen. What is this strange, gooey substance that this boy is cooing about?
Mazikeen: You watching porn?

- Oh, youlhfle".
- Devh?
- Yes. But about that...
- We've never met until now, don't know each other.
- I fear it's too much for the detective to handle.
- Well, it looks like she can handle quite a bit.
- Yeah.

- Is this thing on?
- I keep waiting for god to talk back to me, too.
- But you know what, don't get discouraged, okay?
- He is listening, it's just a one-way intercom kind of deal.
Lucifer: Come on, brother, where are you?

- j' relieve this pain j' j' easier to live with pain ♪ j' than have to let it go I
- ♪ oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, oh-oh, oh-oh j' j' oh, oh-oh, oh, oh-oh ♪ j' oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, oh-oh, oh-oh... ♪

Chloe: Trixie's best friend Landa got a new All-American doll, and now Trixie wants one. So what does she do? She destroys her old doll, expecting me to replace it.
Lucifer: Mm, impressive. But, then, I'd expect nothing less from the shrewd little minx.

Chloe: Ella; we have to proceed as if this missing woman is still alive, okay?
Ella: Yeah.
Chloe: I don't want to find another body.
Lucifer: Trust me, you will not find another body.
Dan: [Enters] I found a body!

Lucifer: I'm sorry, Detective, but Charlotte's in danger. We need to find her.
Chloe: How did she go from big bad wolf to little lost lamb?
Lucifer: Well, maybe she's a wolf in sheep's clothing, but right now she needs to return to the flock.

Lucifer: [Elliot's closet is full of crocs] There's only one body part that rubber should be worn on. Not that you'd know.

Lucifer: [On Charlotte's prospects as an escapee] I mean... how far can a celestial being trapped in a feeble human body for the first time get?
Mazikeen: Well let's see: she's stupid hot, wearing my clothes, and she's got a corporate credit card.
Lucifer: [Stunned realization] Bollocks...

- Has anyone seen Lucifer?
- ♪ when you put your black magic over me j'
- I nobody likes it when you're good... ♪
- Lucifer.
- I need to find Lucifer.
- Man. Thought I killed your ass.

- Girl [over phone]: Hey, mom?
- Mommy...