The Best Officer Quotes

Marge: [to the Sheriff as the family is being arrested for killing the alligator] You seemed so understanding before. What happened to "boys will be boys"?
Officer: You see, during Spring Break, the beer companies pay me to look the other way. The rest of the year, I'm a real hard-ass.

Homer: [Referring to Kid Rock and Joe C] They called you a pig, sheriff.
Officer: I don't care what they call me. As long as they play "Fists of Rage". That's a gooood song.

Officer: You killed Captain Jack! You in a heap o' trouble, son!
Homer: You'll have to catch me first!
[he jumps into the water. Some snapping noises are heard, and he surfaces with a few small creatures all over him]
Homer: Okay, I'll go quietly.

Kid: We'll give that punk a Joe C-section.
Joe C.: Let's do this thing.
Officer: All right now, boys. That's enough. Kid Rock, that's not like you.
[Kid Rock frowns]
Officer: And Joe C., would your mama want you stretching out that sweatshirt like that?
Joe C.: No, sir. Please don't tell Mama.
Homer: They called you a pig, Sheriff.
Officer: Well, I don't care what they call me as long as they play "Fist of Rage." That's a good song.
[chuckles]

Marge: My goodness. What a lovely suit, Sheriff. Is that seersucker?
Officer: Nah, not on a civil servant's salary. It's nearsucker.
Marge: Well, the fabric really brings out the red in your neck.
Officer: Yup. It's coming along, huh? You should see it in August after the horseflies been getting at it. Hoo, man!
Marge: Dang, I wish I could, but in August, our chain gang has to dig for tar.
Officer: Well, now.
[chuckles]
Officer: I might could switch you to dead animal pickup.