30 Best Jan Hooks Quotes

Julia: Well, he certainly seems like a... sweet man.
Carlene: Yes, he does... And he's awfully handsome, too.
Julia: Yes, he is.
B.J. Poteet: Hey, they're both gone. Let's come clean. That man is dumber than a box of rocks.

Lady: Why, Bootblack. I see that the master's footwear isn't the only thing you've buffed to a high gloss!
Bootblack: What?
Lady: You know what I mean...
Olivia: Odd remark, from one so close to being in the buff herself!

[after Apu's wife Manjula gives birth to Octuplets. Apu has been awake all night trying to put them all to sleep, and has fallen asleep himself]
Manjula: [Waking Apu up] Apu, it's 4:00 am, you're late for work.
Apu: [Wakes Up] Oh, I just had the most beautiful dream where I died.
Manjula: Oh, no you don't. Not 'til they're out of college.
Apu: Listen, I'll die when I want to.

Carlene: I've learned one thing in my life; never fry chicken when you are naked.

Middle: God, I don't believe I said that... I sound just like my father...
Wife: You're, you're father?
Middle: Yeah, Retired Man.
Middle: Well... now what's the difference between you and Retired Man?
Wife: I know how to hook up a VCR.

Anita: I'm working on my Cosmotology course.
Eddie: Cosmo-what?
Anita: Cosmotology. It is the study of, of hairstyles and how they behave on the human head.

Manjula: You remind me of the monkey man who killed my father's chickens.
Divorce: Yes, I get that a lot.

Mary: Allright, allright, allright, you wanted a cake, I brought a cake. So stone me.

Nadia: Constantine is devoted to me. He respects and loves my mind, you see? Heh?
Church: I'm sure he also respects your ability to twist your body into a hot, sweaty little pretzel, ready to be smeared with man-mustard.

Sherry: Greg, she just wants to drop off some baked goods, that's all she wants to do.
Greg: I wish she'd drop off the World Trade Center!
Sherry: Greg, she's my mother!

[Manjula and Apu are in the hospital with newborns]
Apu: How did we get eight?
Manjula: Apu, I must confess. When we were having trouble conceiving, I took fertility drugs.
Apu: Wooh. I, too, am afraid I'm guilty of monkeying with nature. I slipped fertility drugs into your breakfast squishy.
Hibbert: [Using a calculator] Mmm-hmm. Well that would only account for quintuplets. Did anyone *else* slip this woman fertility drugs?
[Homer, Marge, and Bart raise their hands]
Homer: Mine tasted like strawberry.
[Homer pops one into his mouth]
Homer: Ovulicious...

Elizabeth: Number five: women, leave little notes around the house.
Pat: You know, I do that, and I live alone! You know, I tell you it works. I leave little notes to myself all around the house: 'You look terrific', 'Have a nice day', 'Check your thighs'. I'm telling you, it works like a charm.

Robin: Now, some snakes can kill you, but not this one.
Peter: Aha, so this snake is a coward.

Brenda the Waitress: Can I help you?
Diner: Do you have coffee?
Brenda the Waitress: You got a cup?
Diner: You think you can fill it?
Diner: Think you can handle it?
Diner: I can handle a menu.

[playing badminton]
Manjula: Until last night, I never knew Apu could be so romantic.
Marge: I can't believe it. He covered your whole bed with wildflowers?
Manjula: Oh, I'm sure Homer has done that for you.
Marge: Well, sometimes I find pickle slices in the sheets...

Judge: Excuse me, are you a relative of the Plaintiff?
Mrs. Braithwaite: I am her mother.
Judge: And what is your occupation?
Mrs. Braithwaite: I am a barfly.
Judge: And, by that, you mean you loiter in bars waiting for men you don't know to buy you drinks?
Mrs. Braithwaite: That is correct, your Honor.

Carlene: You know, Allison, you remind me of someone I saw on the Discovery Channel last night.
Allison: And who might that be, Carlene?
Carlene: Adolf Hitler.

Sinead: Now we come to the most important award of the evening. The award for the person who best represents everything that I despise about the music industry. With all the hunger and suffering in the world, the winner of this award is gonna hava a hard time lookin' in the mirror... And the nominees are:
Paul: Phil Collins...
Sinead: Wilson Phillips.
Paul: The Nelsons...
Sinead: And Frank Sinatra.

Captain: Hello, I'm Captain Kirk, I understand you're having trouble with your order?
Diner: Yes I am, I ordered a Klingon and they give me this fried clam sandwich.
Captain: Ma'am, a Klingon is a fried clam sandwich.
Diner: Well now I thought it was a lobster salad sandwich?
Captain: Eh, no. That's a Romulan man.
Diner: Well then you must've changed the names, because...
Diner: We didn't change the name, ma'am!

Vincent: Bartholemew, entertain the lady.
Catherine: Yeah! Jennifer, did you know that Bartholomew knows a lot about the city's sewers?
Jennifer: Uh.. no. He, he never mentioned that..
Bartholemew: Yeah, well, the, the sewers. Well, that's where I live, right? So... you know, I use them to get around a lot, so... I don't know, it's funny, but you can learn a lot about the city that way.

Manjula: Apu, you have completed the list. You may now move back with your family in your never ending disgrace.
Homer: Wait a minute. You forgot to eat a light bulb.
Apu: Thank you very much, you fat blabbermouth. Sorry, sorry. It's been a rough month.
Homer: [gives him light bulb] Here you go.
[whispers]
Homer: Don't worry. I soaked it in the toilet to soften it up.

Manjula: Oh, little Maggie, aren't you cute with your little bow.
[does baby-talk]
Marge: Maggie loves baby talk.
Manjula: That was Hindi.

John: Issue seven: how do we start the show? Patty-cake!
Pat: "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night?"
John: El Clifto!
Eleonor: "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night?"
John: More-tons-of-fun!
Morton: Well, I think it's "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night."
John: Wrong! The correct answer is: "Show-show-show, here we go!"

Tanny: Hey Tony, would you mind if, if, eh, Svetlana and I use the ladies room?
Tony: Oh, no, no, be, be my guest, but, but you're gonna need a key, though...
Tanny: Oh, okay...
Ivan: Here, here, why don't you use mine.
Tanny: Oh! Oh...
Ivan: Alright, let me see now.
[holds up a bunch of keys and goes through them one by one]
Ivan: Okay, wait a minute, this is the decoding room... you go past that...
Tanny: Hm-hm.
Ivan: This is the shredding room...
Tanny: Okay, aha...
Ivan: Okay, this is Classified Documents... Okay... Winebago... Okay... Alright, here you go, ladies room.

Elyse: I can't believe my little Jennifer is going to die. I just wish we could be at the hospital..
Mallory: Mom, you know the doctor said we could do far more good for Jennifer if we'd just stay here in the kitchen.

Jen: Our research tells us that voters like fingers.

Manjula: Are you sure you want a child, Apu?
Apu: You know, I do! I mean, there comes a time in a man's life when he asks himself, "who will float my corpse down the Ganges?"
Manjula: Oh Apu, take me now!
[Apu turns out the bedroom light]
Apu: Oh, Calcutta!

Bondgirl: James, be careful. Goldsting does not like to lose.
James: Oh, like I do?

Announcer: On the outer reaches of our galaxy spins the planet Estrogena, where evolved an advanced race of women: Planet ofthe Enormous Hooters!
Queen: Bring the deformed one to me!
Courtier: Queen Zarma, your Exalted Fullness. We have brought the prisoner.
Courtier: Look! Her breasts are so small, they look like melons!
[both courtiers and the Queen laugh out loud]
Prisoner: Oh, please don't belittle me.
[more laughter]
Queen: Ah, you are a disgrace to our planet. I hereby banish you to the planet Earth, where your undersized breasts will go unnoticed, and you may live the rest of your life in anonymity. Take her to the spaceshipette, she disgusts me!
Prisoner: No, no! Please reconsider!
Announcer: Tune in next week for Planet of the... Enormous Hooters!

Manjula: I don't understand, Marge. Doesn't Homer work a standard 18 hour day?
Marge: 18 hours? Nobody works that hard--
[Apu tries to cut her off]
Manjula: But he does work every day, right?
Marge: Well, pretty much. Except weekends.
Manjula: [confused] Wee... kends?
Apu: [amid Manjula's glare] Uh, say! Who's up for a game of Ganesh-Gnop?