The Best The Sopranos, Season 1, Episode 2 Quotes

- What's that mean, Bonnie?
- Time and Patience change the mulberry leaf to silk.

- Look, ma, here's your stuff.
- Wow, they made good time.
- You got your own bed and your dresser.
- You know, when my grandmother went to live... elsewhere...
- They weren't allowed personal effects.
- All right, ma, sign right here.

- I'll tell you what.
- You give me the 15 k,
- I'll talk to uncle junior...
- And maybe I can get it to around 10.
- One more thing.
- You leave comley trucking and every other item that belongs to jun...
- Including his hemorrhoid doughnut, the fuck alone. Got it?

- Here comes Lucy.
- Those people at the airport shuttle are always late.
- Eddie!
- You boys drove off in the wrong car.
- We ain't saying shit until there's an attorney.
- Well, go ahead. Make a statement.
- I got fucking Johnny Cochran here!

Tony: You listen to me now. Before you do any more serious damage to yourself or your grandchildren's inheritance, you're gonna stop living alone, right now.
Livia: I'm not going to that nursing home.
Tony: Green Grove is a retirement community! And it's more like a hotel at Captain Teeb's!
Livia: Who's he?
Tony: A captain that owns luxury hotels or something, I don't know. That's not the point. The point is, I talked to Mrs. DiCaprio over there and she says she's got a corner suite available with a woods view. It's available now, but it's gonna go fast.
Livia: Of course it's available, somebody died!
Tony: Oh, Ma, you gotta stop! You gotta stop with this black poison cloud all the time! 'Cause I can't take it anymore!
Livia: Oh, poor you!
Tony: You know, I got problems at work, I got problems at home, I got a friend whose been diagnosed with cancer. Most parents would be grateful if their yuppie children put as much thought into this as I did.
Livia: I'm not going to that place.
Tony: Then I will go to court and I will get a durable power of attorney over you and I will place you there.
Livia: Then kill me now. Go on now, go into the ham, and take the carving knife and stab me, here, here, now, please! It would hurt me less than what you just said.
Tony: You know, I know seniors that are inspired!

[repeated line]
Silvio: [imitating Al Pacino] Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!

Tony: [on cloning] I tell my kids, only God can create a life.
Salvatore: I got a list of people as long as my arm I wouldn't want cloned.

Joe: Hey, maybe caught a break here, boss. Shop on Watchung Avenue said some guys brought in a Saturn, these plates, tryin' to unload it for parts.
Salvatore: Are you tellin' everybody this fuckin' car's for Tony Soprano and leave it all in one piece?
Joe: Yeah, sure. It's for the kid's teacher. My guy said that one of those goofballs had a uniform on from, um, Buttfucks.
Salvatore: [looks confused]
Joe: Whatever, the coffee shop. I guess the guy works there.
Salvatore: Watchung Avenue and what?
Joe: [hands him the address]
Salvatore: I'm fuckin' Rockford over here.

- Thanks for all your help.
- I'll make us a nice lunch.
- I've got some fantastic prosciutto in there.
- Hello?
- Yeah. It's Christopher.
- I've been calling for hours.
- Call me on an outside line.

- So the code of silence, the omerta, or whatever, just went by the boards.
- You're always gonna have organized crime. Always.
- As long as the human being has certain appetites...
- For gambling, pornography or whatever...
- Someone's always gonna surface to serve these needs. Always.
- Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.

- Ladies.
- Hey, Kenny Portugal said to say hello.
- Oh, yeah. Kenny.
- The fuck is with this cocksucker?
- Back up! Mr. Scorsese, good evening.
- Marty!

- What about the dead guy?
- Prod him with a stick.
- Light a candle to St. Anthony.
- But I think you're fucked.
- What if this didn't go back?
- Would it be a problem?
- I don't see you assholes putting that rack, and that rack...
- And this rack here back in the truck.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [about Livia] She could need a change in her living situation, be around more people.
Tony: Well, we were looking at Green Grove.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It's a beautiful facility. It's more like a hotel at Cap d'Antibes.
Tony: Yeah. But to her it's a nursing home.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Well, she needs to be made to see the distinction. That in fact, she's embarking on a rewarding chapter. I know seniors who are inspired. And inspiring.

- I don't know what to say to your dad, I mean, thanks of course.
- It's nice and clean too.
- Whoa, different keys!
- It's probably too much to hope my papers are still inside the trunk.
- It's a different color.
- My dad's a hero.

- His name is edguardo arnaz.
- Him and his gay lover both work here.
- And I got the address.
- Paulie, are you listening to me?
- Yeah.
- Again with the rape of the culture.
- Can we go find these spice girls and get this over with?
- Two small café du jours.

- He tracked me down here?
- Line two? Here you go.
- I'll call him back.
- He'll return the call. He did?
- It's urgent. She said he sounded upset. He'll call back.
- Livia, did you ever hear the old
- Italian saying? My aunt used to go:

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [That retirement community is] more like a hotel at Cap d'Antibes.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [later repeating it to his mother] It's more like a hotel at Captain Teeb's!
Livia: Who's he?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: The Captain owns luxury hotels or something. I don't know! That's not the point!

Christopher: [to Martin Scorsese] Marty! "Kundun", I liked it!

[Pussy and Paulie are in a coffee shop franchise]
Paulie: Fuckin' Italian people. How did we miss out on this?
Salvatore: What?
Paulie: Fuckin' expresso, cappuccino. We invented this shit and all these other cocksuckers are gettin' rich off it.
Salvatore: Yeah, isn't it amazing?
Paulie: And it's not just the money. It's a pride thing. All our food: pizza, calzone, buffalo moozarell', olive oil. These fucks had nothin'. They ate pootsie before we gave them the gift of our cuisine. But this, this is the worst. This expresso shit.
Salvatore: Take it easy.

- Laugh. I'd pee in my pants.
- Pussy's got the body shop.
- He couldn't ask?
- I'm late.
- What are you getting in science?
- D-plus.
- See what I can do.
- That's not what I meant.
- He's gotta work for his grades.

- Hey, is the load here?
- Yeah.
- If serge calls, I'll be back.
- These new phones, hold, conference, sometimes I get confused.
- How complicated is it?
- Answer the phone, take the message.
- Voice mail only comes on if you let it ring.
- Jesus Christ, Georgie.

Arnaz: We ain't saying shit until there's an attorney present.
Salvatore: Well, go ahead, make a statement.
[sticks a gun in Arnaz's mouth]
Salvatore: I got fuckin' Johnnie Cochran right here for you!

- Then she is picking up my parents and they're coming here.
- They're each bringing some antipasto.
- I complain about my mother, about how she just sits at home...
- And feels sorry for herself.
- But she's always ready to drive those friends of hers that can't drive.
- I'm proud of her. It gives me hope.

Jackie: I may be acting boss while the old man's a guest of the government but I wish somebody would tell my bowels 'cause they don't obey. And the fuckin' chemo... Maybe I should name a successor.
Tony: This day and age? Who wants the fuckin' job?

Tony: [referring to his mother's friend that she accidently hit with her car] She broke her wrist on the steering column: Minor concession
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What about the other woman?
Tony: [before Melfi winches] Hip, we were down at the hospital until two in the morning, talking to her doctor and the gerontologist, their saying she shouldn't live alone anymore, she can't manage the telephone
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: And you say she's very healthy and alert?
Tony: Like a bull, why?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I'm just thinking and I know there are other doctors who are right there but you know from your own life that depression can cause accidents or performance, or worse
Tony: So, what're you saying, that she "unconsciously" tried to "whack" her best friend?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [sarcastically, irritated] It's "interesting" that you would take that from what I said. Either way, she could need a change in her living situation, be around more people
Tony: Well, we were looking at Green Grove

- I will go to court and get power of attorney and place you there.
- Then kill me now.
- Go on, go into the ham...
- And take the carving knife and stab me here.
- Here! Now please, it would hurt me less than what you just said.
- I know seniors that are inspired!

Christopher: You remember that Princess Di? You think the Royal Family, uh, had her whacked?
Paulie: Heh, heh. Last time I take a fuckin' limo in Paris.
Christopher: Like you were ever in Paris, Paulie.
Paulie: I went over for a blow job. Your mother was working the bon-bon concession at the Eiffel Tower.
[to Silvio]
Paulie: Sil, did you hear what I told him? Told him "I went over for a blow job. Your mother was working the bon-bon concession at the Eiffel Tower."

Tony: You know, you got a reputation for immaturity, and its not gonna be improved by not paying the tributes the acting boss demands of you.
Brendan: Acting boss my ass Tone. Come on, everybody knows you really run things since Jackie became the "Kemo Sabe."

- That's some true shit.
- They're not confirming any new made guys. How come?
- Fucking chaos. Nobody knows who's running things anymore.
- Guys don't know who to make payments up the ladder to in some cases.
- I'm talking about the year 2000.
- The millennium.
- Where do we go from here?

Tony: [to Christopher] You leave Comley Trucking and every other fucking item on this planet that belongs to my uncle Junior, including his hemorrhoid donut, the fuck alone.

Christopher: What about the dead guy?
Tony: You keep prodding him with a stick. You light a candle to St. Anthony. But I think you're fucked.

Brendan: Yo, money, we said we'd meet out front. You're not even dressed.
Christopher: I'm taking a pass.
Brendan: What? It's Italian suits, Christopher!
Christopher: There was a time in my life when being with the Tony Soprano crew was all I ever dreamed of. So what am I doing?
Brendan: Come on, it's five fifteen.
Christopher: Maybe one reason things are so fucked up in the organization these days is guys running off, not listening to middle management.
Brendan: Fuck Tony. That's a quote.
Christopher: We have to stick together, why be in a crew? Why be a gangster?
Brendan: Hey coach? Suck my dick.

- Then why is that car inside there...?
- That dodge?
- Why is that motherfucker wearing the fucking plate number I had all week?
- I don't know.
- Here's what's gonna happen.
- The two of youse are climbing over that fence and shagging those plates.
- But the razor wire.
- Then one of you stays with us while the other goes and boosts another saturn.

Christopher: Gimme one good reason I should not jack this truck.
Brendan: Hey, don't feel bad. It's Junior's own fault. He gives us no choice except to do it again.
Christopher: Taking that outrageous fuckin' tribute?
Brendan: It's like, not only does he shit on our heads, we're supposed to say "Thanks for the hat".
Christopher: It's not like I'm getting somewheres playing by the rules. Fuck Tony.

- You're out of your tree.
- Listen carefully.
- Of course you love her.
- What I'm trying to say is, own the anger instead of displacing it.
- Otherwise it defines your life.
- It needs to be acknowledged.
- It's a good thing time is up.
- I don't want to talk to you anymore.
- "Hate your mother."

Tony: [to Livia's Trinidadian caretaker] Listen, let's get one thing straight. In the hours you're here taking care of my mother, no ganja. OK?

- "Did you warble, my little wren?"
- What do you think his commission will be?
- Two, three grand. Ten to junior.
- We're lucky we net 500 bucks from the whole thing.

- They're not accepting any new members, okay?
- You know, you got a reputation for immaturity...
- And it's not helping, not paying the tributes the acting boss demands.
- Acting boss, my ass.
- Everybody knows you really run things since Jackie became the "chemo-sabi."
- Open the fucking door.
- Open the fucking door!

[Christopher hijacked a truck full of DVD players]
Junior: For 21 fuckin' years Comley's been putting food on my table, protection money.
Tony: Hey, Chris didn't know going in.
Junior: Bullshit.
Tony: You want my DVD player? You can watch "Grumpy Old Men".
Junior: You gonna be a fuckin' funny boy too now, huh?

- An almost mystical ability to wreak havoc.
- Let me tell you. You definitely don't want to get her started.
- There are some people who are not ideal candidates for parenthood.
- Come on. She's an old sweetie-pie.
- What were some of the good experiences you remember as a child?
- The loving warm ones?

Brendan: So my boy at Comley... said there's a truckload of Italian suits.
Christopher: Those unload fast. Mario'll take the whole load.
Brendan: He said shipment moves Thursday, six a.m.
Christopher: Give me one good reason I should not jack this truck!
Brendan: Hey, don't feel bad, its Junior's own fault. He gives us no choice except to do it again.
Christopher: Takin' that outrageous fuckin' tribute?
Brendan: It's like not only does he shit on our heads, we're supposed to say thanks for the hat.
Christopher: It's not like I'm gettin' somewhere's playin' by the rules! Fuck Tony!
Brendan: The books are closed... blow me.
Christopher: No, that's some true shit.
Brendan: Come on, they're not confirmin' any new made guys, how come?
Christopher: Fuckin' chaos! Nobody knows whose runnin' things anymore. Guys, they don't even know who to make payments up the ladder to in some cases. I'm talkin' about the year two thousand. The millenium. Where do we go from here?

- Who is it?
- What?

Mikey: Your nephew, what's he... retarded? He likes to play with trucks or something?
Tony: Retarded? What if Jerry Lewis heard you talkin' like that?
Mikey: No, that's muscular dystrophy, Tone.
Tony: It's too bad they don't have a telethon for fuckface-itis, huh? They find a cure yet?

- He what?
- And the driver, you know...
- No, I don't know.
- He caught some friendly fire or something and he's gone.
- Oh, fuck.
- What do we do, t?
- Brendan didn't fence the load.
- He's thinking it was Mario who dimed us to junior last time.

- "Fuck Tony." That's a quote.
- We have to stick together.
- Why be in a crew?
- Why be a gangster?
- Hey, coach?
- Suck my dick.

[about DVD players]
Tony: I hear there's not as many titles available as on laser.
Brendan: You know, there's more coming, though.
Paulie: My internist told me the picture's not that different from laser either, Tone.
Brendan: But the sound, way improved.
Tony: Good. 'Cause nothing beats popping up some Orville Redenbacher's and listening to "Men in Black".

- The whole family was laughing.
- My mother was laughing.
- Any other loving experiences?
- Hey, she's a good woman.
- She put food on the table evely night.
- I'm the ungrateful fuck.
- I come here, complain about her...
- And I let my wife exclude her from my home.