600 Best Tony Soprano Quotes

Tony: Well, when you're married, you'll understand the importance of fresh produce.

Tony: [Meeting privately] Let's walk. I need you to head out to Newark for me
Paulie: Airport?
Tony: Alitalia. Friend of ours is coming in
Paulie: Who? Mauro Zucca's wife?
Tony: No, Furio
Paulie: [jokingly] Furio? Coming here? What? To see what indoor plumbing looks like?
Tony: I'm making some changes
Paulie: [Sarcastically] well, thanks for fuckin telling me. When was this decided? Did I do something wrong?
Tony: Sunday: my house, a box of Mallomars on the counter, fuckin empty... you think I didn't know it was you?
Tony: [When Paulie doesn't respond] I'm kiddin' with you, you fuck. Him coming over is good: you're getting a bump
Paulie: Fuckin Mallomars, I thought you lost your mind?
Tony: Listen, the way things are, I gotta step back, Feds find an excuse and I'll do a dime for jaywalking
Paulie: Not like the old days, huh?
Tony: Furio being here frees you up, frees me up. It's me, then you, and Sil together, that's the new pecking order
Paulie: What about Puss?
Tony: Pussy reports to you guys, directly, same with Furio
Paulie: [after hugging] this means a lot to me

Tony: It's in his blood, this miserable fuckin' existence. My rotten, fuckin' putrid genes have infected my kid's soul. That's my gift to my son.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I know all this is difficult but I'm very glad we're having this discussion.
Tony: Really, really? 'Cause I gotta be honest, I think it fuckin' sucks.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What does?
Tony: This. Therapy. I HATE this fuckin' shit! Seriously, we're both adults here, right? So after all is said and done, after all the complainin' and the cryin' and all the fuckin' bullshit... is this all there is?

[Tony dismisses a Bada Bing girl after Coach Don Hauser declines some VIP treatment]
Tony: Brandy, go, uh, sit on a tuffet.

Tony: I stopped at a light yesterday and I see this nanny, black girl, pushin' a baby carriage. Comin' the other way, was another one with this old lady in a wheelchair starin' off into space.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: The circle of life.
Tony: Circle-jerk of life. Where's the dignity?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: If you're lucky, in the end you can let go of you pride. Let your loved ones care for you.
Tony: I'd rather they hold a pillow over my face.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I find it interesting you would say that. You tried to smother your mother with a pillow.
Tony: What?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: In the hospital after her stroke.
Tony: The fuck I did! I grabbed a pillow but it was... just to keep my hands occupied.

Tony: [referring to Irina calling and posing as a teacher from AJ's school, while in the cabin of his boat] That phone call: it was an old girlfriend
Gloria: [sarcastically] Oh, you mean she wasn't from the school? My God, she sounded so convincing
Tony: I'm trying to be honest here
Gloria: Yeah? If you're trying to be honest, why'd you lie?
Tony: I don't wanna piss you off
Gloria: So, it's really more about you then?
Tony: What're you talking about? I didn't wanna hurt your feelings
Gloria: No, what you said was that you didn't want to piss me off, which implies you'd have to deal with me which was more about "sparing" you than my fuckin feelings
Gloria: [after throwing the gift he gave her out the window and leaving] Merry Christmas

Gloria: [while in Melfi's waiting area, gestures to Melfi's office] You waiting somebody in there?
Tony: I got an appointment
Gloria: Did she double book us? I'm usually Thursday but I had to reschedule because of the holiday
Tony: This is when I usually come, I'm trying to... quit smoking
Gloria: [jokingly] Serial killer: I murdered seven relationships
Tony: [after laughing] Listen, your here, why don't you take my appointment?
Gloria: Oh, no I couldn't do that
Tony: It'd be my good deed for the day

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [That retirement community is] more like a hotel at Cap d'Antibes.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [later repeating it to his mother] It's more like a hotel at Captain Teeb's!
Livia: Who's he?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: The Captain owns luxury hotels or something. I don't know! That's not the point!

Tony: But I'll tell ya somethin', I was proud to be Johnny Soprano's kid. When he beat the shit outta that guy, I went to the class, I told them how tough my father was.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you think that's how your son feels about you?
Tony: Yeah, probably. And I'm glad. I'm glad if he's proud of me. But that's the bind I'm in 'cause I don't want him to *be* like me.

Tony: [Seeing Dr. Melfi's diploma] Melfi. What part of the boot you from, hon?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [objecting to how he addressed her] Dr. Melfi.
[pause]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: My father's people were from Caserta.
Tony: [referring to himself] Avellino. My mother would have loved it if you and I got together.

Johnny: [During Allegra's wedding reception] obviously I couldn't visit you in the hospital, when I heard what happened I was devastated
Tony: [Eventually asking how much Allegra's wedding's cost] that's life huh? Seriously what's the damages here? What am I in for with Meadow?
Johnny: Not counting the honeymoon? Four twenty-five
Tony: So adjusted for inflation I'm looking at "half a rock"
Johnny: It's all for it, what we put in? The grind? For things like this? Listen I heard Phil came to see you?
Tony: [Noticing the US Marshall's escorting John are standing nearby, realizing they need to go somewhere else to talk] let's go say hello to your dad
Tony: [after greeting John's father and sitting down at their table] I'm going to say a few things and these pricks are watching, I'm going to make it look like I'm talking to your dad and them
Tony: [Referring to the hit on Rusty] What you asked me to do, with the little guy, I can't do it
Johnny: This fuckin prick, his disruptive. He doesn't have the balls to step up himself
Tony: So just keep him away from Phil
Johnny: His a "cancer", I can't let it spread
Tony: Well, your going to have to use one of your own "doctors"
Johnny: Oh I'd love to, believe me. But my position isn't completely solidified. When Carmine died, Rusty could've been boss, he should've been but he didn't want the responsibility
Tony: Like I advised you, say no more, it's too fuckin late now anyway
Johnny: I need your help Tony, some of these guys, my captains. If they find out I'm behind the move against them it'd make things worse. I can't take that risk while I'm in jail
Tony: So I'm supposed to put myself at risk? Share the same fuckin jail cell as you? Forget it John
Johnny: It's Allegra's wedding, the way things are, I don't know if I'll be around for Catherine's
Tony: Look I know your going through a rough time right now alright?
Johnny: Then do me this favor
Tony: OK I'll take care of it
Johnny: I won't forget it

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [while in Neil's office, referring to his mother and the airline tickets he bought through the Scatino bust out] I knew I was giving her a bad ticket: That "voice"
Neil: It's done: it's over, my advice now is to put it behind you. If this is all there is, these twenty-three tickets, they don't have "butt-kiss" and they know it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I know it's a small but don't you see? That's the fuckin point, one more minute, if I could've just stood there, saying "Yes ma, ok ma", I hear ya ma", one more fuckin minute I wouldn't be here in this spot. I beat a homicide and I fucked up. I "blew" an "easy one. I "blew" everything
Neil: Tony...
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [interrupts him] No, fuckin "Tony", we got federal charges, we got the FAA, before this is over, their gonna pin the Egypt Air "thing" on me and you fuckin know it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [sighs, becoming nervous] Predicates up the ass, fuckin RICO case, thirty to life
Neil: Don't think about that now: you'll make bail. There's no "capital crimes", get on with life

Tony: [Meeting privately] There he is. The King of New York!
Tony: Congratulations.
Johnny: Thanks Tony.
Tony: You deserve it.
Johnny: This is the last time we'll meet like this; It's undignified.
Tony: Ok.
Johnny: So, what's the word on your cousin?
Tony: I think I know where he's holed up.
Johnny: And?
Tony: I know this has to be done, but I'm asking you now as a friend, let me handle this myself.
Johnny: I can't do that.
Tony: You can whatever the fuck you want; you're the fuckin' boss.
Johnny: I chose not to then.
Tony: I want your promise that it'll be quick.
Johnny: I'm not going to lie to you. I don't have to. Phil's going to do it. And he'll do it his way.
Tony: This is me now, come on.
Johnny: Anything else?
Tony: No.
Tony: You know what? I'll give you "undignified." Go fuck yourself, you, Phil, and whoever. He's my fuckin' cousin.

Ariel: You ever heard of the Masada? For two years, 900 Jews held their own against 15,000 Roman soldiers. They chose death before enslavement. The Romans? Where are they now?
Tony: You're looking at them, asshole.

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: [after Tony pulls over in a poor neighborhood] now what?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: what, you afraid?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: right, like I haven't seen places like this before
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: you see those houses over there? I'm buying them
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: those crappy ones? What for?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: for an investment, what've I been saying?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: I don't know
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: real estate, buy real estate
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: dad, the black dude's coming over
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after Tony rolls down the window] hey, what's up?
Jemilo: [asking him if he's a police officer] sup? 5-0?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [jokingly, gesturing to AJ] uh, yeah, I'm Starsky and this is Hutch
Jemilo: [referring to the narcotics his selling] smoke, crack, or crank?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: no, thank you: we're just having a look around
Jemilo: yeah, no "eye-in, if you ain't buy-in"
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I thought this was a free country?
Crackhead: unless you want "something", motherfucker, get the fuck off our street
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: oh, the language on you, you "blow" your father with that mouth?
Jemilo: the fuck you just say to my sister?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: take it easy, I don't want no trouble, I'm just showing my son the "old neighborhood"
Jemilo: [shows him his gun underneath his shirt] yeah, well, this our neighborhood now, guinea motherfucker
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [nods, before rolling up the window and driving away] yeah, I can see that

Tony: [after picking up the phone] what?
Bobby: Tony, it's me listen, it's your uncle. His gone
Tony: You mean his dead?
Bobby: No, no, no, we think he might have wondered off. You know I didn't want to call you but it's been a couple hours now
Tony: Fuck him
Bobby: He said he was going to see Johnny, you think he might've meant your dad?
Tony: What?
Bobby: His wandering
Tony: [Before hanging up] he could wander off the Palisades for all I care his fuckin dead to me

Tony: Old man Bacala is ok with this, what'd you give a shit anyway?
Junior: What is it with you? These power trips
Tony: The fuck are you talking about?
Junior: It has to be the old man? There's no other way?
Tony: There's a million other ways but this one will work. It was Gigi's idea. I'm not cutting his balls off. Mustang Sally's MIA. Two days ago he reaches out to old man Bacala for help. Old man Bacala is his godfather, he can get close without arousing suspicion
Junior: It still doesn't sit right
Tony: His done it a thousand times
Junior: His a sick old man
Tony: Good, it'll give him something to live for

Carmela: [while lying in bed] Did you shut off all the lights?
Tony: Yeah
Carmela: In the kitchen?
Tony: Yeah. I want to spend more time with AJ
Carmela: It's the other one you should spend time with: she's almost out of the house
Tony: Hey, I'm not worried about Meadow, she can take care of herself
Carmela: Why the sudden burst of fatherhood?
Tony: [irritated] Can you say anything without it being sarcastic?
Carmela: Your right, I'm sorry. I think it's a good idea, he adores you: he never gets to spend enough time with you
Tony: Yeah well
Carmela: I was reading in Time the other day this study at Harvard: a father's support is absolutely linked to a boy's later capacity to manage frustrations, to explore new circumstances, and to do well in school
Tony: The kid needs to toughen up
Carmela: I'm not talking about toughening up, I'm talking about opening up
Tony: Somebody needs to teach that kid some street smarts: not to be a sucker, not to be involved with the wrong people. I don't want another Christopher on my hands, look at him, his lucky to be alive and the other poor prick they found dead: the kid was twenty-three or something

Assemblyman Zellman: Restaurants, stores, slips for luxury yachts
Tony: [to Johnny] We'll call my plumber at the electrical unions: the steel, the brickwork, it's all yours
Johnny: We need to have a conversation about Local 187
Assemblyman Zellman: [to Johnny] You gotta come by the office, see the scale model, the guy even makes little people walking on the street
Johnny: [jokingly] Fuckin Newark, they got little hookers giving little blowjobs?
Johnny: [stands up] I gotta go take a leak
Assemblyman Zellman: So, I got a call from Eddie Volar at the PBA: your "friend", the cop? His bitching about losing his overtime. His got some black officer squad looking into his case
Tony: oh, yeah?
Assemblyman Zellman: If you want, I can get it "squashed", get him reassigned
Tony: [after thinking it over] You know what? Fuck him, cocksucker got what he deserved

Silvio: [referring to Ralph's snubbing of Tony] "Another time, Anthony"?
Tony: Cocksucker turns his back on the boss?
Silvio: That, I couldn't believe.
Tony: Lucky I didn't put one in his fuckin' head.
Silvio: On that front, don't be surprised if Paulie pops the question. Raphie's star is rising. All those unions. Paulie can't come near that kind of cash for us.
Tony: Ralph's a good earner.
Silvio: A guy like that? Loose cannon. He'll be leaving your house, he'll pull a "Jack Ruby" on you.
Tony: Why did I have to punch this fuckin' asshole?
Silvio: Frankly, I was a little surprised.
Tony: Are you gonna start on me now? He disrespected The Bing.
Silvio: So? He's barred from the place.
Tony: He bashed that poor girl's brains in.
Silvio: I hear you. I know. It was a tragedy. The fact is though: she was not related to you by blood or marriage. She was not your goomar. Ralphie's a made guy, Ton'. All things considered, he's got a legitimate beef. Make him disappear, or make nice. You only got two choices. I would suggest something in the way of an apology.
Tony: Absolutely fucking not!
Silvio: Do something public to show there's no bad blood.

Tony: [to Livia's Trinidadian caretaker] Listen, let's get one thing straight. In the hours you're here taking care of my mother, no ganja. OK?

Construction: [Tony and Silvio are looking for Vito after he's been outed as a homosexual. Tony calls Vito's cellphone. A construction worker picks the phone up off the side of the road] Hello?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [on phone] Vito?
Silvio: You got him?
Construction: [on phone] Who?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [on phone] Put Vito on the phone, asshole.
Construction: [on phone] Fuck you, motherfucker.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [on phone] What, are you sucking his dick?
Construction: [on phone] Bet I'd kick your ass, you fucking faggot.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [on phone, yelling] Yeah that's right, telephone tough guy! Put Vito on the phone!
Construction: [on phone] There ain't no Vito, man. I found the phone on the side of the road!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [on phone] What?
Construction: [on phone] Hang on a second!
[the construction worker tosses Vito's phone under a steam roller]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [on phone] Where'd you find the phone? Hello? Hello? Oh you motherfucker!
Silvio: What happened?

Dr. Harry Winer: It could've been another TIA, it's hard to tell, was any of this accompanied by a lapse in memory?
Janice: [after Janice and Tony shrug] I don't know
Dr. Harry Winer: [to Tony and Janice, referring to Junior] Had you brought him in right away, I'd might have more answers
Junior: That medicine stopped working, I took more and didn't do shit, I feel like the walking dead
Dr. Harry Winer: Medication sometimes is like cooking: we need to adjust the ingredients
Junior: Who gives a shit? I'm so fuckin blue
Tony: Well, what'd you expect? All you do is go to funerals all the time
Junior: I'm trapped, what's the point? God damn house arrest: my life is only death, I'm living in a grave. I beat prison and for what? I have no children, will somebody please explain this to me?

Neil: [in the back of the Bada Bing strip club at Tony's desk] Somebody's giving grand jury testimony on something
Tony: So Carlo has flipped
Neil: We don't know but subpoenas are flying my hunch is eighty to ninety percent chance you'll be indicted, fucking gun charge I get sick when I think of it plus interstate fraud and if Carlo starts talking homicide, it's not like we haven't envisioned this day?
Tony: No, it's not
Neil: Trials are there to be won

[playing Monopoly]
Janice: [reading card aloud] "Second prize in a beauty contest collect $10." Go ahead, make your stupid joke.
Tony: I got nothing to say.
Bobby: Think I'll buy a railroad.
Tony: A German shepherd's shaved asshole won first prize.
Bobby: Oh! You're talkin' about my wife.
Tony: You married her.
Bobby: It's my home. No more talkin' like that.
Janice: It's OK, Bobby.
Bobby: Stay outta this! You Sopranos. You go too far.
Tony: Alright, you know, Jan, he's right. I'm sorry. I crossed the line. I apologize. Won't happen again.
Tony: [quietly begins singing "Under the Boardwalk"] Under the Boardwalk. With a schlong in Jan's mouth. Under the...
[Bobby punches Tony in the face. The two have a fistfight]

Tony: [over the phone] It's a bad connection, so I'm gonna talk fast! The guy you're looking for is an ex-commando! He killed sixteen Chechen rebels single-handed!
Paulie: Get the fuck outta here.
Tony: Yeah. Nice, huh? He was with the Interior Ministry. Guy's some kind of Russian green beret. This guy can not come back to tell this story. You understand?
Paulie: I hear you.
[the telephone connection is lost - Tony swears, and Paulie hangs up]
Paulie: [turning to Christopher] You're not gonna believe this. He killed sixteen Czechoslovakians. The guy was an interior decorator.
Christopher: His house looked like shit.

Meadow: [in a high class restaurant] To what do I owe this chance to go sake bombing?
Tony: We used to have dinner all the time now you're getting married my chances are flying by, so your brother, our little soldier boy what do you think is wrong with the gagootz?
Meadow: The world is a sad fucked up place

Tony: Where the fuck you been?
Silvio: [Before handing him a glass of liquor] I had some shit I had to take care of, your going to want a "snort"
Tony: Come on, I just finished my Bialy
Silvio: Take it. Burt Gervasi, his gone
Tony: What happened?
Silvio: I didn't want to overload you with AJ in the hospital
Tony: I don't want to hear that: go
Silvio: Burt let me know the other night his been playing both sides of the fence with New York
Tony: [Surprised] Burt?
Silvio: [as Tony notices a bandage on Sil's right hand] measures were taken. Burt wasn't speaking for just himself. The guys are getting squeezed hard to sway them to new management
Tony: And they thought you'd be part of it?
Silvio: And he got an answer. My hope is now Phil's got the message and talk this shit through
Tony: Talk?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: If you can quote the rules, then you can obey them.

Carmela: [to Janice] how was the guest bed? Did you sleep alright?
Janice: [Nods] great, usually I bring my own pillow: ergonomic, I got ripped off at the bus stop in Rapid City
Tony: [after coming down from upstairs] what? Those pillows aren't good enough for pillows aren't to sleep on anymore?
Tony: [Before they hug each other] come here
Janice: Oh, look who decided to join us? My little brother
Tony: How you doing Jan...?
A.J. Soprano: [Reminding Tony Janice's surname] Parvati
Tony: [Pats him on the side of the head] I'm her brother, I get a pass
Tony: You look good, you look like... a teenager
Janice: [to everybody] my therapist says I'm "regressing"
Tony: Oh, your therapist? Who pays for that?
Janice: The State of Washington: total disability
Tony: Oh yeah, the Epstein-Barr
Janice: [Correcting him of the previous illness she had] "was", chronic Carpal Tunnel from my last job: the steamed milk machine
Janice: [Walking over to Tony at the kitchen bar counter] hey, I stayed up waiting for you, when did you get in?
Tony: Late, you know?
Tony: [Irritated] what the fuck is that smell?
Janice: Miso soup, its seaweed
A.J. Soprano: [to Tony, referring to Janice] she's been telling us all about Seattle
Tony: If I see those grunge pants on you, you'll be looking on the ground looking up
Meadow: [Jokingly] dad, how do you stay so hip?
Janice: [to AJ and Meadow] I'll be back in a sec, don't let your father near my soup: he makes fun of it but he'll eat anything before noon, that's not locked away
Carmela: You don't see your sister for years and right away, you're already starting on her diet?
Tony: Hey, believe me, she gets as good as she gets

Dominic: [During Christopher's intervention] Christopher, this won't be easy for any of us I want you to know we're here today because we care about you all we ask is that you listen
Christopher: [to Adriana] was this your idea?
Dominic: [to Adriana] would you like to begin?
Adriana: [to Christopher] I love you very much, my only dream is that we have a happy life together for the last few months things have gotten very bad because you're using drugs all the time, your high all the time and I can't take it
Dominic: [to Adriana] be specific.
Adriana: When we first started going out we made love all the time now because of the drugs...
Christopher: Jesus, is this fucking necessary?
Dominic: [to Adriana] go ahead
Adriana: You can no longer function as a man, last week when I came and found you killed our dog that was the final straw
Christopher: [Referring to the dog] I fell asleep, she got suffocated
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You killed little Cosette, I ought to suffocate you, you little prick
Dominic: Tony, we're going in order
Christopher: [after Silvio reads his statement] I told you I had the flu, I can't even defend myself now?
Dominic: No one's attacking you
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Look, it doesn't change anything but I can verify he was sick for a little while, still this thing with the dog, how could you not see it on the chair?
Dominic: You're getting emotional tony
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: That's because I know what it's like to lose a pet!
Carmela: I happen to know you were high at my mother in law's wake, you were talking nonstop for twenty minutes, nothing but gibberish
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Shaking his head in disappointment] my mother's wake, Jesus Christ
Dominic: [after Paulie reads his statement] whoa, guys we said "non-judgmental"
Paulie: Fuck that, let him take his medicine
Christopher: Seriously Paulie, you want to talk about "being up"?
Paulie: Watch it Chrissy
Christopher: What? I thought we're honest here, you got some balls you know that? All of you, you want to talk about "self-control", how about you Sil? Fucking every slut you got working for you when you got a wife and kid at home how about you Paulie? You remember last year in the woods with the Russian guy?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Christopher I am fucking warning you!

Tracee: I'm pregnant. It's Ralphie's.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Congratulations.
Tracee: What should I do? He acts like he doesn't give a shit.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You ever think he's not acting?

[Christopher calls Tony from a phone booth, while it's raining]
Tony: What do you got?
Christopher: Wet shoes.
Tony: You chose this life. You don't want to work in the rain, try for the fucking Yankees.

Tony: [after entering his office] "Hey", yourself, what the fuck John?
Johnny: I got nothing to say
Tony: You got nothing to say?
Tony: [Referring to Donny K. after John assaulted him] the fuckin kid is in intensive care
Johnny: I thought he worked for Ralph?
Tony: And Ralph works for me, so I ask you again, what the fuck?
Johnny: Let's suffice that I know and Carmine knows that "boppy" cocksucker is holding out on us: Fernandez Paving, Ralph's contracting company. My guy went over the receipts for the water proofing at the Esplanade, this fuckin Ralph is more creative than Spielberg. His off almost four grand, third time in a row now. We agreed no looting the job site
Tony: First of all, that hasn't been established, second of all, this is how you handle it?
Johnny: Consider it a "message."
Tony: His in Miami, they got phones down there the last time I checked
Johnny: His got a bad history Tony, cute cocksucker could wind up dead
Tony: What're you saying here?
Johnny: His a two-faced fuckin prick
Tony: I thought Ralph was your friend?
Johnny: Right, that's rich, did you hear what my "friend" said about my wife? Made a crack about Ginny's weight, something about her having a ninety pound mole on her ass?
Tony: Well, that's deplorable. Who told you this?
Johnny: What's important is that it was said
Tony: If he did say it, I didn't hear it because he knows better to make a remark like that when I'm around
Johnny: She's fighting a weight problem since the kids were born: Weight Watchers, Richard Simmons, fasting, she works very fuckin hard
Tony: You telling me how hard it is?
Johnny: It's different for women, body image, and self-esteem. I'll you though, I never had a problem with Ginny's weight: to me she's beautiful. "Rubenesque." That woman is my life. To think she's being mocked
Tony: Alright John I'm not going to sit here and deny that Ralph could be a fuckin asshole and that was a horrible thing to say. Well even if it was said, you can't be serious about him winding up you know...
Johnny: She's the mother of my children
Tony: I know she is John. I know she is. At least hear Ralph out? How long we go back? All of us?
Johnny: The kid last night: he was laughing
Tony: About this?
Johnny: I don't know

Junior: [During a sit down meeting over the speakerphone] Ralph insulted John's wife?
Johnny: That's correct
Junior: What did he do exactly?
Johnny: He made a very hurtful remark that's not worth repeating
Silvio: Let's point out too it's only been "alleged" on what he said
Johnny: He "allegedly" said what he said to a group of people: "friends of ours"
Junior: If you weren't there how do you know it's true?
Johnny: I'm not at liberty to say
Tony: With all due respect but this is bullshit somebody in my family is talking out of school and you don't have the liberty to who? I should be making the beef here
Junior: My nephew's right
Johnny: I want to average her honor, this is my right to do
Tony: Alright fine you bring in here who ever told you, if he collaborates with what you're saying I'll give you ralph on a platter
Johnny: Is nothing scared? What happened to this thing? If this was years ago would I even have to ask? We bend more rules than the Catholic Church
Tony: Let's just say for the of argument ralph said what he said is clipping him going to un-ring that bell?
Carmine: Nobody's getting clipped
Johnny: I want satisfaction
Silvio: Will you accept an apology?
Johnny: That ship that has sailed
Carmine: Your being unreasonable John
Johnny: Ralph's the only one who can handle the Esplanade? Put the other guy in
Carmine: There's millions of dollars are at stake
Johnny: Again with the money?
Carmine: Yeah, again with the money, it's settled name a price or the fuck over it
[John leaves]

Carmela: [after Meadow knocks on their bedroom door] Come in
Meadow: I need to talk to you guys
Tony: What's the matter? Finn?
Meadow: No, not about me: AJ
Carmela: what about him?
Meadow: [referring to his fiancé Blanca breaking up with him] I know his upset but his been saying some "things" that are really disturbing
Carmela: Like what?
Meadow: Like "Nobody gives a shit about him", "What's the point of anything", stuff like that. I told you about that girl Hadley sophomore year, the one who threw herself off the library balcony? These are the exact kind of "things" she was saying, I don't mean to get you all upset
Carmela: Of course not. I'm glad you said something

Tony: We're old school; we wash our own dirty laundry.

Tony: [to Benny] You don't shit where you eat. And you especially don't shit where *I* eat.

Mikey: Your nephew, what's he... retarded? He likes to play with trucks or something?
Tony: Retarded? What if Jerry Lewis heard you talkin' like that?
Mikey: No, that's muscular dystrophy, Tone.
Tony: It's too bad they don't have a telethon for fuckface-itis, huh? They find a cure yet?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What fucking kind of human being am I, if my own mother wants me dead?

Artie: [after exiting the kitchen of his restaurant, jokingly referring to Christopher sitting next to Tony] Wait a minute, who let this one in here?
Tony: [jokingly, as Artie walks to their table] Oh, Wolfgang fuckface
Christopher: [as Artie pats on his shoulders] Hey, Artie
Artie: [to Christopher] The man who stole her away
Christopher: [to Tony who looks confused, referring to her quitting her job] Adriana, she gave her notice
Tony: [sarcastically to Artie when he sits down at their table and pours himself a glass of wine] help yourself
Artie: [points to Christopher before he nods] You better be good to that girl... cocksucker
Tony: no wonder the food sucks: Your supposed to cook with the wine Artie
Artie: [referring to Adriana] Three years, best hostess I ever had
Artie: [points to Christopher] This... piece of shit steals her away
Tony: [noticing Christopher is becoming agitated] Artie, come on
Artie: [before playfully rubbing Christopher hair] Oh come on, he knows I'm breakin his balls
Artie: [to Christopher] Seriously though, if I'm you, I'd hire a food taster. You don't want to fuck with a chef, my friend
Christopher: [irritated] Why? You think you're the only one who knows how to swing a meat cleaver?
Artie: [does the Bras d'honneur gesture to Christopher] Fuck you
Tony: [implying to him he should stop insulting Christopher] Artie...

Tony: [while walking down the stairs to greet Tony] look whose here, the guinea welcome wagon
Tony: [Visiting Johnny in his new house in New Jersey, jokingly] this is for you, you piece of shit. Carmella's bringing something nice for the house warming for Ginny
Johnny: [Showing Tony around his home] they call this the great room. I don't know what's so "great" about it. It's mediocre if you ask me. We got a fuckin living room right over there
Tony: I didn't know you were moving to New Jersey
Johnny: Ginny wanted to be close to her sisters and schools out here
Tony: We were sitting with Carmine all night long, you never once mentioned you bought a place in Jersey
Johnny: It's not Carmine's favorite subject me living in Jersey, it's what? Half an hour over the bridge?
Tony: Well, why didn't you tell me you were moving here?
Johnny: Why?
Tony: I've got to find out second hand?
Johnny: What'd you care? Are you working in the toll booth now? Besides I already got the condo in Point Pleasant
Tony: You should have fuckin told me
Johnny: I'm telling you now, this is strictly a place to live. I've got no intention to "stick my beak in." I mean there's our "family" then there's the Soprano "thing."

Carmela: [Referring to Meadow's punishment, while lying in bed] There has to be consequences. What kind of parents would we be if we let her get away with this?
Tony: Typical?
Carmela: Plenty of parents still "crack the whip"
Tony: Yeah, that's what they tell you
Carmela: I cannot wait until she goes off the college
Tony: Then you can be fucked up with the "empty nest" syndrome and go on Wellbutrin like your sister?
Carmela: As a parent today, you are "over a barrel" no matter what you do: you take away the car, you become her chauffeur. You ground her, you gotta stay home weekends and be prison guards
Tony: And if you throw her out, the Social Services will bring her back, and we'd be in front of the judge: she's not eighteen yet
Carmela: That's your solution? To throw your daughter out?
Tony: All I'm saying is with the laws today, you can't even restrain your kid physically because she can sue you for child abuse
Carmela: There has to be consequences
Tony: And there will be, I hear you ok? Let's not "overplay" our "hand" because if she finds out we're powerless, we're fucked

Christopher: [Referring to Tony during the intervention] There he goes "Mr. Type A" personality
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: We're here to talk about you killing yourself with drugs, not my fucking personality
Christopher: I'm going to kill myself? The way you fucking eat you're going to have a heart attack by the time your fifty

Christopher: You think about the shit we've been through? The shit we've done? We're like the three Musketeers
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: We've got a bond, that's very special
Christopher: You saved my life: in a lot of ways
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I know you've been there for me too, don't think I don't know that
Christopher: There were times that were hard for the both of us, I didn't understand
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You were young and stubborn
Christopher: You always had my back though
Christopher: I love you Tony
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I love you too

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Introducing Paulie to Brian at Paulie's welcome back from prison party at the Bada Bing strip club] say hello to Brian Cammarata, Carm's cousin, the financial guy
Paulie: How you doing kid?
Brian: [Jokingly] so, just back from "college" huh?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Let me talk to Paulie for a sec ok?
Brian: Nice meeting you
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So, how you doing? You ok?
Paulie: Just thank God that piece of shit from Youngstown "copped" to that gun. I could've been wearing an orange jumpsuit until I'm ninety
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Handing him an envelope full of money] well, your back home now. That's the important thing. Here, to get back on your feet
Paulie: Thanks T, not that I don't appreciate it but I could've used a boost while I was gone too. Fuckin bills. Then there's ma with the private home care. You know she almost lost her spot at Green Grove? An extra 5g's to hold her place
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Paulie, you've been back thirty seconds and you already got a fist full of cash, and not to mention the no-show jobs I got for you
Paulie: Your right Tone. I know
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Enjoy the party
Paulie: I will

Tony: Talk about a trip. I met this girl, fuckin' beautiful. We did peyote.
Silvio: Come on!
Bobby: Really?
Carlo: Bobby did mushrooms once. Stuffed mushrooms, a whole fuckin' platter.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I work hard all day to pay for this six thousand-square foot house, big-screen TVs, food on the table, video games, all kinds of scooters and bicycles, Columbia University, and for what? To come home to this?
A.J. Soprano: Sucks to be you.
[slaps AJ]
Carmela: [gasps] My God, Tony!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: There's more where that came from! We're starting a new regime around here!

Carmela: If you stop now, it'll be that much harder to get back on track
Tony: Your mother's right
Carmela: just out of curiosity, what're you planning on using for money?
Meadow: Cheap tickets' is running a sale, I can cash in the bonds nana gave me: most likely I'll be working
Tony: [sarcastically] Oh yeah, on some student film
Meadow: It's not a student film, it's a feature on DV-CAM: he got honorable mention at the Winnipeg Film Festival last year for his short
Tony: Forget money, what about security? You think traipsing around Europe is the smart move these days?
Meadow: Like Europe is any less safe than here? Look, you don't seem to get it. I keep having images of Jackie April lying in a pool of his own blood in some street somewhere
Carmela: So, French discos drive away sad thoughts?
Meadow: You've never heard of the restorative nature of travel? Read Henry James. Why does every college have junior year abroad if there isn't a need for it?
Carmela: Then why don't you wait for junior year? It's eight months
Meadow: Because I need it now
Tony: [irritated] You want to go to Europe? Go! Clear your head, do whatever the hell they do over there
Meadow: Thank you, I will
Carmela: [to Tony] Don't you think she should talk to someone first? A counselor maybe?
Tony: Maybe the college of hard knocks is what she needs? Let's see how she likes it when some gypsy lifts her wallet, let her find out you can't work over there without a permit like the French hang onto like their balls

Furio: [while cursing in Italian caused by the pain from Dr. Freid removing the bullet from his right leg]
Christopher: Will you shut the fuck up? Your going to make him hit an artery
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Jokingly] you should thank God it didn't anything important
Furio: [to Tony while grabbing his shirt, referring Dr. Freid] this fucking prick is really a doctor?
Dr. Freid: [Noting his a urologist, before removing the bullet] close, I'm a "prick" doctor

Tony: [while going through their refrigerator, referring to Janice] can she put anymore gook food in here?
Carmela: It's not that much
Tony: Soy milk this, tofu that: I hate all that shit
A.J. Soprano: Yeah me too
Meadow: [to AJ] shut up you said you liked the soy milk
A.J. Soprano: I lied, she was taking me to the video store
Meadow: I'm happy aunt Parvati is gonna stay
Tony: Oh, you mean the aunt that doesn't think you get punished enough?
Meadow: [raises her voice] that party wasn't my fault, how many fucking times do I have to say it?
Tony: [surprised by her outburst] Whoa!
Carmela: [chastising her for cursing] hey!
Carmela: [to Meadow] don't look like your gonna cry, you made your bed
Meadow: I need fifteen dollars
Carmela: Excuse me?
Meadow: The Cole Porter CD: it's for Magicals, we're doing three of their songs. You took my card remember?
Tony: [When she doesn't say anything after he gives her the money] what's your problem?
Meadow: [before leaving] nothing

Tony: [Referring to his daughter Meadow] the kid was suppose to get a job this summer: an internship, then it wasn't right for what she was studying, ok that's one down then she was going to be a hostess at Artie Bucco's restaurant. I got her that and there was a problem that she couldn't work Tuesdays and Thursdays because of her babysitting commitments and Artie didn't try to understand so she left. Then the babysitting family disappeared to Nantucket, then something else fell through
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So, she's regressing
Tony: She keeps it up she'll be back "in the womb"
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Over the course of a child's life there's a constant moving away and coming back, security versus freedom but what I find interesting and if I'm hear you right, is that at the age of nineteen she actually wants to stay close to home
Tony: Well, see that's what I was going to say, she did have someone close: die
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Jackie
Tony: But she brings that up whenever you ask her to clean up or whatever, she's "traumatized"
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: He was shot to death
Tony: Yeah it's tragic that kid
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It was some kind of drug deal you said?
Tony: Yeah exactly all the "earmarks", no its got to be tough but they've broken up and he wasn't very nice to her
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Maybe it's a manipulation in part
Tony: She's got a hard on about Columbia: "it's so competitive"
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: But it doesn't mean her pain over Jackie's death isn't real. Has she said to you or Carmella she's depressed?
Tony: Oh, come on with that shit, she's going to be alright
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Maybe she should be on medication? And her anger is focused on Carmella? Not on you?
Tony: I catch some shit, we were always close even in that "fifteen year old" period where she can hardly stomach Carmella
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Well, you are the dad. The template for all future lovers
Tony: She loves me, I know that, since she was a tiny baby
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It might be helpful if she saw someone. Dr. Wendi Kobler, she's adolescent psychologist and an educational consultant
Tony: What'd you mean? Talk about private family stuff like I do here with you?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Yes
Tony: Like you said she's going back to school, be with her college pals, back to the "grindstone", that's all good shit

Neil: [after Tony places a case of champagne on his desk] what's all this?
Tony: [jokingly] you looked thirsty the last time I saw you
Tony: [sarcastically as Neil gives Tony back a bag of money he asked him to hold for him] Oh, yeah, I knew I left this some place
Neil: [walks to the front of his desk] Anything new?
Tony: You know, keeping busy
Neil: [while lighting a cigar for Tony] Carmela? The kids?
Tony: Good, you know school shit
Neil: You bet that game last night?
Tony: [referring to the bag of money] Yeah, what'd you think I need this for?
Tony: [after sitting down] so, what do I owe you counselor?
Neil: you pay me when I actually have to do something
Tony: Let's hope that fuckin day never comes right?
Neil: It almost did very recently
Tony: [sarcastically] here we go: the Neil Mink lecture series
Neil: well, isn't it fair to say we were staring into the abyss? A very close call with the brush on that murder beef
Tony: I told you, I was home alone
Neil: [jokingly] you and Macaulay Culkin: except neither one of you would've been alone. Champagne's nice. You want to give me a real gift? Insulate yourself from these shenanigans, I told you once already
Tony: [irritated] I do, I am, what the fuck do you want from me?
Neil: [sternly] Use one of the businesses we've got doing something besides showing income on a tax return: spend some time at Garden State Refinery
Tony: Oh, please, do you know what boiling fat smells like?
Neil: you have an office at Barone Sanitation: get your ass out of that strip club and go there
Tony: Alright, I hear ya
Neil: the FEDS are a business, millions of tax dollars in watching your ass. Sooner or later, just like you, their gonna want a return on that investment

Artie: [referring to their daughter's soccer coach after they win a game] What did I tell you? He's a beautiful, brilliant genius
Tony: [jokingly] What're you in love with him or what?
Artie: [jokingly] Frankly yes, if he steers Chiara through the college scholarships, I'll blow the guy in midfield
Tony: Oh, you will? How's chef with the dimples?
Artie: You gotta come sample the salad bar: we got a special chemical brightener, it keeps the lettuce crisp
Tony: Oh, nice
Artie: Oh, yeah, it's beautiful
Tony: [changing the subject] The offer's still there, you wanna make a little money, you put some out on the street, at two points, we split the interest?

Tony: I'm trying to keep a low profile, what's the fuckin point? I'm still a miserable prick and I'm still passing out
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Remains silent]
Tony: Well, you seem very mellow today?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Let's talk about you
Tony: [Eventually referring to the suicide of the actor George Sanders] You seem like you're on drugs and I'm boring myself to death and I'm ready for the "George Sanders long walk here"
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you know why a shark keeps moving?
Tony: [while rubbing his head] they gotta keep moving or they'll die or something

Richie: [while in a mall] thanks for meeting me
Tony: no problem, I went over to Brookstone and got myself a scale, what'd you want to talk to me about?
Richie: fuckin Dick Barone
Tony: as long as the two of you are happy
Richie: I'm in no mood... freakin garbage business, I found out that bow tie wearing mother fucker is charging me twice as much as everybody else to tip my trucks at his place
Tony: so, you repair the tonnage and charge the townships a little extra for the pickups, that's all
Richie: I got the smallest amount of routes than anybody in the association
Tony: you're like the old woman who's got a Virginia ham under her arm and she goes around crying because she's got no bread
Tony: [after Richie looks confused] never mind, the point is your brother Jackie never concentrated on sanitation so what do you want Dick to do?
Richie: [sternly] I want a rate
Tony: alright, I'll see what he says
Richie: yeah, you see since you own part of the company

Carmela: [referring to AJ's depression caused by his fiancée breaking up with him] he's an emotional wreck!
Tony: [after letting AJ attend a party at a strip club] and seeing a pair of tits is going to send him over the edge?

Janice: You want to swap family stories Tone? How about the time when Mom and Dad were coming back from the Copa?
Tony: That's enough Janice!
Janice: [laughing] Mom's hair!
Tony: That didn't even happen! And anyway, it's not for public concern!
Carmela: What? Oh my God! What?
Janice: They were driving back from Manhattan, with Uncle June and his goomar. Oh! What was her name?
Tony: Your ass!
Janice: That's how we heard the story through her...
[remembering]
Janice: Rosemary. My father's driving, and she's ragging on his ass. You know how she gets. He's been drinking, I guess. And he takes out his gun!
Carmela: Oh my God!
Janice: BOOM!
Bobby: Holy shit!
[Tony looks embarrassed]
Janice: Fuckin' blew right through her beehive hairdo!
[Carmela, Janice and Bobby burst out laughing]
Carmela: [laughing] I can't believe you never told me that story!
Janice: Yeah! What's the big deal!
Tony: 'Cause it makes us look like a fuckin' dysfunctional family!
[cursing]
Tony: Jesus Christ!
Janice: My turn!
Tony: [to Carmela] And don't you ever tell the kids that about their grandfather!
Carmela: Of course not!

[Tony disapproves of Meadow's new boyfriend because he is black]
Carmela: If you want her to be with him, just keep playing the race card. You're gonna drive her right into his arms.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Not if I cut off those fuckin' arms.

Bobby: [reading from index cards, helping Junior prepare to fake his mental competency to stand trial] first question: what is today's date?
Junior: [before Bobby chuckles] a blonde with big tits and a hat full of Viagra
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: yeah, cute, fuck around: just when that government shrink gets ahold of you, you better know how to fake this
Junior: I could do it in my sleep
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: oh, yeah? What's your name?
Junior: [pretending not to know] my name?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You can't know your name because then they know your fuckin with them
Bobby: listen to this: give the subject a piece of paper, ask them draw a circle, fold the paper in half, and give it back. These demented old bats can't do that
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: maybe you should wipe your ass with the paper, then they'll know you're a whack job?
Junior: [angrily to Tony when Bobby laughs] you think this funny? I'm a source of amusement, I pretend to wipe my ass in front of people
Bobby: [to Junior] nah, take it easy
Junior: I lived my whole life with dignity, now I gotta pretend I'm a fuckin drooling idiot
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: this is just a good clean way out, that's all
Junior: my poor fuckin brother Ercole: how they mocked him

Tony: [Talking privately] what's up?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Turns out somebody got a look at the guy who did Joe Peeps. All they got so far is that his got a bad limp.
Tony: Huh. Long John Silver maybe.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Where the fuck do you get the balls? I am bending over backwards trying to stay neutral, paying for fuckin car seats and your out there acting like a fuckin free agent. Don't look at me like I'm a fuckin jerk off. because I'm sick of you leaning on this cousin thing and that bad hijack like you could do whatever the fuck it is you want to do because you went away that night I didn't
Tony: Your the one who keeps bringing that up. I'm fine with it. First of all, for the record: I had nothing to do with this
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Don't fuckin lie to me
Tony: Even if I was would you really want to know? That'd just be another problem with you and Johnny right?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Alright look I know your not earning what your expecting. And you got the twins and Nancy. Your a capable guy. Your mother let it slip one time. you got an IQ of one fifty-eight
Tony: She told you that?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It was the week you got tested, all the fuckin nuns were raving about it
Tony: A lot of good it did me
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I had hopes when you got out
Tony: Yeah?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Guy like you: brains, balls. If you fuckin be straight with me I could use all that
Tony: "Put me in coach"
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Alright we got the casino over on Bloomfield Avenue above the hardware store. Carlo's guy was running it but he just got diagnosed with the Hodgkin
Tony: That's mine?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah, a lot of fuckin money there. I'll see what I can do about you getting "straightened out." Opening up the books for you. Long overdue

Tony: [to Christopher and Eugene] Once you're into this family, there's no getting out.

Carmela: [Referring to Tony had to suddenly leave to go to his mother's house the night before] you've been gone all night: half the morning. What the hell happened over there?
Tony: [after sitting down next to her on their couch in the living room] Janice decided to go back to Seattle
Carmela: Your kidding What about Richie? He must be devastated
Tony: Richie's "gone."
Carmela: What'd you mean "gone"?
Tony: [Implying Richie's been killed] "gone"
Carmela: Where?
Tony: Carmella after eighteen years of marriage, don't make me make you an accessory "after the fact."
Carmela: [Eventually realizes what his implying] an accessory "after the..."holy shit
Tony: Stop asking
Carmela: Oh my God
Tony: I took care of it
Carmela: That was not a marriage "made in heaven"

Tony: [giving a toast for his cousin Tony B during a welcome dinner] I'll make this fast because I know your all hungry. I remember growing up, I was always asking why I just used to have sisters? I said to my mother "Can't you save up something and get me a baby brother?" And my mother said "What's wrong with your cousin Tony?" She was right because we were brothers except, we had the same name. There were like fifty Tony's in the family. Some of you remember this: my dad's name was "Johnny" and his dad's name was "Alfred", so whenever we were out running around, you'd hear "Tony uncle Johnny", that was for me, and "Tony uncle Al", that was for him and there was "Tony uncle Philly" but he passed away. So with Tony B being away, it's been hard but his back now... for good, so welcome home

Agent: Hey, what's the good word?
Tony: Can't complain
Agent: Sure, you could, Phil Leotardo. My first assignment out of the academy was in Brooklyn. Never cared for him. He tried to set up this other rookie, a female for rape and beating
Tony: Listen, that subject we talked about: if I were to know something possibly terror related and help you out, could I "bank" the result in goodwill?
Agent: Well, what happens is, I would personally write you what's called a "5-k letter". It's a document setting forth your cooperation and service. It would be placed in your file, "if" you were ever convicted of a crime, it would be presented to a judge when he or she is considering sentencing guidelines
Tony: There were a couple of guys. Arabs, Arabians maybe, they used to hang around the Bing and someone I know may have done some business with them
Agent: At the port?
Agent: [to Tony, after gesturing to Ron not to interfere and interrupt] you were saying?
Tony: Alright, the point is they used to be around all the time these two, drinking, trying to tit fuck the girls whatever, and suddenly their disappeared. I mean completely: then a week or so ago I'm driving and see them with these other guys with the head gear, the beard and the whole "fundamental" bit, but there's nothing illegal going on over there, right?
Agent: What were they doing?
Tony: Walking, then they meet up with this other group
Agent: You got a name?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Tony is having a fever dream where Pussy is a fish on ice at a food market] How much you weigh?
Salvatore: Eight pounds.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Lost a lot of weight!
Salvatore: Swimmin'! The best exercise. Works every muscle group.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Get the fuck outta here! You never exercised once in your life!
Salvatore: Anyway, $4 a pound.
[pause]
Salvatore: You know I've been working with the government, right, Ton'?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Don't say it.
Salvatore: C'mon, Ton'. Sooner or later, you gotta face facts.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I don't want to hear it.
Salvatore: Well you're *gonna* hear it.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [dejectedly] Fuck.
Salvatore: You passed me over for promotion, Ton'. You knew.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: How much shit you give 'em?
Salvatore: A lot.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Jesus, Puss.
[pause]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Fuck of a way for it all to end, huh?
Salvatore: Yeah.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah.
Salvatore: [referring to the fish lying next to him] These guys, on either side of me... they're asleep.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Don't say that! Not fuckin' funny!
[angrily turns over the table and knocks all the fish to the ground]

Paulie: [during Nucci Gaultieri's funeral] thanks for coming
Carmela: [hugs and kisses him] We are so sorry for your loss
Tony: how you hangin in?
Paulie: As well as it can be expected
Carmela: It must be very hard for you, I know how close you two would become again
Paulie: Not much of a "send-off" here
Carmela: The room is beautiful
Paulie: Nobody's in it, what kind of sentiment is this to the spirit and generosity of the woman?
Carmela: [before kissing him and leaving] We're here for you, you know that
Paulie: It's a fundamental lack of respect and I'm never gonna fuckin forget it neither
Tony: Jesus, people your mother's age, their friends die off
Paulie: She "outlived" Sil? Carlo? their all over there with your nephew
Tony: yeah...
Paulie: [interrupts him] Councilman Cirillo was here three minutes. I clocked him: he told Gerry he was going to the Moltisanti wake
Tony: people are coming and if they don't... fuck them
Paulie: I got five hundred prayer cards
Tony: so, Carm and I are here, what the fuck is that? Nothing?
Paulie: [shakes his head] No of course not, it means the world
Tony: Ok
Paulie: [points to Nucci Gaultieri's body] She suffered too, you know?
Tony: Well, this is neither the time or place
Paulie: Your right

Christopher: What's going on?
Tony: The truck load the other night from Port Elizabeth: get the washing machines from Frank Cantino
Christopher: You got it, vacuum cleaners too?
Tony: No, Patsy's got a buyer for those. You been drinking?
Christopher: Me and Ade had some wine at the house
Tony: I've been wanting to talk to you
Christopher: Yeah, I've been wanting to talk to you too
Tony: I'll go first. I've got to make it my number one priority to limit my exposure to potentially damaging conversations: wire taps and shit like that
Christopher: Sure, guy in your position...
Tony: So, over the next couple years, more and more, I'm going to be giving my orders through you, and finally, only through you
Christopher: What about Sil? You got that with him, and Paulie?
Tony: Those other guys: Sil, Paulie, one thing they're not, they're not my blood. You hear what I'm saying to you? It's a matter of trust
Christopher: It's very wise
Tony: Sil's a good Consigliere and his going to continue on as such but his no fuckin spring chicken either. On the other hand there's no reason to give him a fuckin attitude either
Christopher: No, of course not
Tony: Now there's going to be a period of transition
Christopher: [Excitingly] Jesus Christ, T
Tony: You're going to take this family into the twenty-first century
Christopher: But we're already in the twenty-first century though, T
Tony: [Remains silent]
Christopher: Whatever you say T, I'll follow you into the gates of hell. That's what I was going to say to you: what you did for me, that fuck who killed my father. I'll never forget that. I only hope I'm worthy
Tony: Why wouldn't you be worthy?
Christopher: [Before hugging and kissing each other on both cheeks] I'm just saying

Anthony: [to Carmela] You know, it's always what you think, isn't it? It's never how I feel.
Tony: Oh, poor you. It's all your mother fault, isn't it?
Anthony: I didn't say that.
Tony: You're a mama's boy.

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: I'm fuckin depressed, ok?
Tony: you broke up, how long you wanna cry about it?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: [referring to Blanca Selgado] She was my life
Tony: Your twenty years old, you barely have a life and you're better off anyway. She was cute, ok? But come on, with another guy's kid to boot
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: She was the best thing that ever happened to me
Tony: What you're going through, what you're feeling right now, it happens sometimes: everybody gets the "blues", there's a half a billion-dollar industry devoted to it
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: What, Prozac?
Tony: No, the music business: they write thousands of songs about this shit, "Tears on my pillow", "Mona Lisa", right?

Tony: [while getting dressed] what time is it?
Christopher: Don't worry we'll take the tunnel
Tony: Alright, this meeting we're trying to nail down this new contract now with Masserone gone
Christopher: That office park by Troy Hills?
Tony: Now, listen this is very important if any of this shit about Little Carmine and Johnny you clam up
Christopher: You got it Tone

[Tony calls Hesh]
Hesh: Yeah.
Tony: I'm here with my non-shellfish eatin' friend. I gotta tell you somethin', I'm tapped out. This guy won't listen to reason.
Hesh: Didn't I tell you, huh? Didn't I warn you to keep away from those fanatics?
Tony: He's leaving me no options. This guy's willing to go down with the ship like no man I've ever seen.
Hesh: Here's a thought... Maybe he's willing to go to the world to come, but if he's stuck here on this earth, I know one thing that no man wants to go through life without.
Tony: What? Oh. That's a fuckin' brilliant idea.
Hesh: Make like a mohel, huh? Finish his bris.
Tony: Yeah.
[hangs up]
Tony: Paulie! Get the bolt cutters from out of the trunk! Ariel, we're goin' to Plan B.

Carmela: [in the backyard of their home] Holsten's is the consensus
Tony: Alright I've got to see some people, I'll meet you there

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Hands him a wooden box] for you
Brian: What's this?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Jokingly] a music box
Brian: [after opening the box, surprised by the expensive watch as a gift] holy shit a Patek?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah, me and Ralph got lucky in a new real estate investment
Brian: [Surprised] you actually did it?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Nods, smiles]
Brian: Tony, I was only speculating I never meant for you to...
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Interrupts him, reassures him] relax, your name will never come up

Tony: What the fuck's with you?
Carlo: Root canal, they got me on oxycodone. My whole fuckin' head is numb.
Tony: Well, that answers some questions.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I want to know why there's zero growth in this family's receipts. Where's the fucking money? You're supposed to be earners. That's why you've got the top-tiered positions. So I want each one of you to go out to your people on the street, crack some fucking heads, making some fucking earnings out there!

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [telling a joke, while eating in an Irish pub] A rich man and a poor man got the same wedding anniversary. Every year, they'd meet on Madison Avenue shopping for their wives, so the poor man says to the rich man What'd you buy your wife this year? He says, I got her a huge diamond ring and a brand-new Mercedes, poor man says, What'd you get her both for? Rich man says, If she doesn't like the diamond ring, she can bring back the Mercedes and still be happy. Rich man says to the poor man What'd you get your wife this year? He says, I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo, rich man says, What'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo for? Poor man says If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after Pussy laughs] You remember the first time you brought me here?
Salvatore: Yeah, I remember
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [referring to the first time he killed someone for the mob] I popped my cherry that night
Salvatore: Yeah, seems like old times
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You believe in God?
Salvatore: Yeah, I absolutely do, works in very mysterious ways, it's a wonder how He performs, no doubt. His been good to me

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

[after hearing bad news, Tony and Carmela need to relocate hidden money, guns and...]
Tony: All right. You'd better give me your jewelry.
[Carmela sighs with chagrin]
Tony: Hey, they know we can't produce receipts. You want 'em stealing this stuff from us?
[after Carmela removes her necklace, Tony points to her diamond ring and Carmela balks]
Tony: Come on.
Carmela: I'm not giving you my engagement ring. This isn't stolen!
[beat, then frown]
Carmela: Is it?
Tony: No!
[beat]
Tony: What do you think I am?
[Carmela sighs again]

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Sad day.
Junior: Mm hmm. Kid was always a dumb fuck though, wasn't he? Didn't he almost drown in three inches of water?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: The penguin exhibit. Jack always tried to lay off all Jackie's problems on a learning disorder, but...
[thinks for a moment]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well, stupidity would be a learning disorder, wouldn't it?

Tony: You bitch and you moan, and you blame everybody else for your problems. Instead of maybe not letting the Mexicans do all the cooking for you, or maybe changing the menu, or changing the decorum.
Artie: I guess because you know how to eat, you know how to run a restaurant.
Tony: On one of the bleakest nights of my life, after the shit with my mother, and that fucking storm outside, I came here. To this place. I sat out there with Carm and my two kids and we ate and we drank and we were so happy to be here. More than any other place in the world. And you know I'm gonna eat here til I fall off the chair. But in business sometimes shit happens, the playing field changes, whatever. And you gotta do whatever you gotta do to keep your dick up.
Artie: If you hate it here so much, why don't you go Don Giovanni. See if he'll cook you that bland shit for your shattered pancreas.
Tony: [pauses] Alright, I'll tell you one thing. And this is very hard. Nobody wants to hear you talk. They're trying to eat out there, and you come along, with your corny jokes, and your stupid stories. Just stay in the kitchen. That'd be a start.

Carmela: Tony, can you come down here please?
Tony: What? What's the matter?
Tony: [after seeing Ariana with a black eye] what happened?
Carmela: Your nephew
Tony: Christopher did this? He hit you? What for?
Carmela: What's the difference Tony?
Adriana: He was high
Tony: Little prick, I'm going to ring his fuckin neck. Where is he?
Carmela: His been using drugs: heroin
Adriana: His car was stolen by some Puerto Ricans, they stole his cell phone too. I don't know what to do. I already packed a suitcase for my aunt's in Daytona
Tony: Take it easy, don't do something your going to regret
Carmela: Three weeks before their wedding
Adriana: Maybe he needs to be in rehab?
Carmela: You can hire someone to do an intervention apparently
Tony: [Eventually implies since their a crime family they have to handle these issues by themselves] girls, come on we're a family here. I've got to spell it out for you? Take it easy let me figure out how to handle this
Adriana: Please don't hurt him

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Jesus Christ, you scared the shit out of me!
Reverend James Sr.: Jesus ain't got nothing to do with it.

Christopher: [on Ralph] That poor fucking guy.
Paulie: Fuck him and his alligator tears.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Please, his kid's in a hospital, a little fucking sympathy!
Paulie: That gives him a pass? I don't care if he's got a hundred kids in the hospital with arrows in their heads, he's a piece of shit! You know it, and I know it.

Tony: So, what's up?
Feech: [referring to the executive card game] I came here to ask for my game back
Tony: It's my uncle's game now
Feech: Yeah, right, your uncle's. You also keep a lion share of the "rake" and I'm just asking If I can run it for you?
Tony: Why would I need that?
Feech: Eleven years I ran it, no fights: no raids. Not to mention I got it coming? Considering how it would've gone after you took the game down, and if I hadn't been such a prick about it?
Silvio: [referring to Tony] Or if his old man didn't have so many friends
Tony: [after thinking it over] I'll give you twenty percent but you gotta rent the house from me. I can throw some high rollers your way: friends of mine
Feech: [agrees and thanks him] Let me get outta here before I keep talking and fuck this up

Tony: [Eventually telling her what he wants to talk about today] I know I'm on probation and I deeply regret what I did: my nephew's fiancee
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Remains silent]
Tony: I know what you're thinking
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So?
Tony: Nothing happened but it could've very easily. She really got to me, this young lady
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Nods]
Tony: What?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: This is a very big step
Tony: Yeah, tell me about it
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I mean you come here to talk about this impulse instead of just acting on it without thinking
Tony: I always think
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Really?
Tony: Yeah
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Having sex with your mistress's cousin, like the mistress wasn't enough to piss off your wife?
Tony: [Remains silent]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Tell me about the niece
Tony: She's drop dead gorgeous, with someone like her I could do it right this time. I could start a whole new family
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: This is something you're contemplating?
Tony: What? It'd be a disaster. Of major proportions. Carmella I can "hose" financially there'd no reason with her after that and my nephew, it'd kill him. After years of grooming him to be my number two. It'd be very bad for the young girl, she doesn't deserve that. I know I'm not stupid and I'm part of this "father figure" thing and account of hers ran off
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It would be like committing an act of "symbolic incest"
Tony: Whatever, what am I going to do? I got lucky the first time because I was able to control myself but you only get one of those
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Rationalizing "I can't control myself." You can
Tony: [Eventually points to his head] I don't know, it's different for women, it's all about up here with them
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: She could make a play for you, you might want to think about going to establish limits and boundaries. For example, you can tell her she means a great deal to you but you think of her as a daughter
Tony: Even if I want to fuck her brains out?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: This is a mild stone for you. You're at a very important crossroads. For once you want to avoid doing something you know is wrong and would be destructive both to yourself and to the people you care about. That's growth. That's progress
Tony: Tell me what I'm supposed to do
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You have to be honest with yourself. I know this is a powerful urge but if you can't keep it in your pants you have to stay away from her. You know, not long ago you stood in my outer office. I recall you used the words "drop dead gorgeous" about me and how you had to have me. I said I wouldn't date you and look, you survived
Tony: What a horrible fuckin job you have. How do you do it?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What happens now is your choice. Act and create a "bed of misery" or you can look at this as a chance to do something good. You say she respects you. Be worthy of respect. See if you remain a friend to this woman. A help to her.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [repeated line to several people after they express their condolences, referring to his mother's unexpected passing] What're you gonna do?

Tony: [After killing Tony B to prevent him from being tortured by Phil, telling Johnny Sack over the phone where Tony B's body is] He's at 146 Route 9A, Kinderhook

A.J. Soprano: [Talking privately in their garage] What now?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Hands AJ a business card] Tomorrow 7am you go to this address and for a Mr. Gaveralo, I just got off the phone with him
A.J. Soprano: Seven in the morning? For what?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You'll be working construction
A.J. Soprano: What?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Ferrying cement in a wheel barrow
A.J. Soprano: So it's outdoors?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah
A.J. Soprano: But it's winter time
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You got a lot of those hooded sweatshirts like those moulinyans wear you watch on MTV you can double up
A.J. Soprano: Come on this is bullshit
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Tony puts his hand on AJ's shoulder and pulls face closer to his face] Every penny you make you keep, we won't charge you any rent and believe me the pay's good it's a union job, I just want to see you do good your my son and I love you
A.J. Soprano: I'm going to have to leave your friend in a lurch when I go back to school
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: That's ok he deals with that all the time
A.J. Soprano: I just assume to keep searching online
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm sure you would, but if you're not at that site tomorrow morning,
[AJ nods dismissively]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm going to take away your car and then I'm going to take away your clothes I'm going to take away your room and then I'm going to take away your mother's cooking and pretty soon you'll be out in the fucking street,
A.J. Soprano: [Tony uses a football helmet and breaks the wind shield on AJ's SUV] What the hell are you doing?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It might get a little drafty driving down there tomorrow but I will have this fucking thing towed out of here and grounded up, look at it, you don't take care of it
[Tony puts his hand back on AJ's shoulder]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Don't put me to the test

Carmela: It's better to have loved than lost, A.J. It's better to have loved and lost, A.J.
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: [incredulous] What?
Tony: It is.

Tony: What's your background Noel?
Noah: [Correcting him] It's Noah, I'm from Los Angeles, West LA
Tony: No what I mean is...
Noah: My family's in the "business", I mean show business. I don't know why they call it "the business"
Tony: Those old Tarzan movies?
Noah: No my dad's an entertainment lawyer
Tony: No, what I mean is we're Italian
Noah: Oh, my dad is Jewish and my mother's family is African American
Tony: Tanenbaum. Right. But on your application to Columbia, you didn't check Jewish did you?
Noah: No. They can't ask about religious affiliation.
Tony: Oh, right, what'd you check?
Noah: African American.
Tony: So we do understand each other? You're a ditsoon.
Noah: [Caught off guard by his insult] Excuse me?
Tony: [Continuing to insult him using slang racial terminology for African Americans] Charcoal Briquette, a mulligan.
Noah: What's your problem?
Tony: [Referring to Meadow] I think you know what my problem is: you see, your little friend up there. She didn't do you any favors bringing you into this house. Now I don't know what the fuck she was thinking, we'll get to that later. See, I got business associates who are black and they don't want my son with their daughters and I don't want their sons with mine.
Noah: Fuck you!
Tony: See, that's the kind of thing I'm hoping to avoid. So when my little girl comes down the stairs, you're going to say how nice it was to meet me, then you're going to go drop her off at school and then you're going to say goodbye.

Jack: [while giving him a painting of the Rat Pack] I saw this and I thought of you
Tony: [surprised] Oh, look at that
Jack: A little gift to show my gratitude for all our work together
Tony: [shakes his hand, referring to the images of Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and Sammy Davis, Jr] Thanks. Look at those guys: they had sometime
Jack: You know we're gonna finally cut the ribbon for the museum on the twenty second? Their gonna ask me to make a speech on the challenges of contemporary urban development
Jack: [after placing his order with the waitress] listen, my buddy in City Planning says they pulled the permit to turn the old bus into a mixed use but the thing is Zellman hasn't given me a number, has he said anything to you about another bid?
Tony: We don't talk much, take your hat off: relax
Jack: yeah, I just started Rogaine, do you think you can ask Ron if this falls under the same arrangement?
Tony: [points to his desert] Kind of soggy if you want to know the truth
Jack: [nervously] This is federal redevelopment
Tony: I'll look into it
Tony: [after the waitress brings Jack's order to the table] So, a speech huh?
Jack: Yeah
Tony: [referring to the name of their construction project] The Museum of Science and Trucking
Jack: I just wish my mother could've seen it
Tony: Well, whenever she is, I'm sure she's proud
Jack: Actually, I do know exactly where she is and it's pretty fuckin hot
Tony: You had one of those too huh?

Tony: [Increasing Scatino's sporting goods store's debt by buying products, selling them, and not paying back the vendors] a lot of fuckin work to move some picnic coolers
Richie: Coolers are scissors, everybody wants one but have nobody has a fuckin idea how much they cost. You have a Nigerian sell these on the streets for two or three bucks a piece, who's not going to say "fuck it, give me one"
Tony: Davey, how we doing with the books of airline tickets?
David: You want to raise a red flag with the travel agency? A sporting goods store that charges airline tickets in bulk?
Tony: You say it's a promotional device" you know "customer of the year", "salesman on the month", that kind of thing, don't worry about it. You put it all on different lines of credit
David: Yeah but all of sudden I'm ordering all this weird shit. Picnic coolers, Ramosa water. When is one of these vendors realizes I'm never going to pay them and call the cops?
Richie: When your fuckin credit runs out "Diamond Jim", until then get on the fuckin horn and order unless your ready to pay the principle you owe us?

Tony: [talking privately] I'm looking for this Russian: his friends with Svetlana Kirilenko, you know Irina's cousin?
Slava: The one-legged woman, I know who she is
Tony: I don't want her involved. All I know about this guy is that he drives a cab and he wasn't very nice to someone important to me
Slava: Don't think another thing about this. I'll find him and I'll kick the shit out of him
Tony: No, I'm gonna do this: this motherfucker is mine

French: [first referring to the medication to treat HIV] you've goy=t a bit of success with "BikTarv", right? Well, at this moment we could also sell to you "Fosamax" medication for Osteoporosis for women in their bones. Now, one month's supply of Fosamax four pills, sells for seventy US dollars from the pharmacy: we sell four pills to you for ten US dollars
Tony: their counterfeit?
French: no, their true, just expired: change the date, nobody knows
Tony: [after looking at the medical booklet they gave him] how many Fosamax can you get?
French: fifty thousand pills every three months
Bobby: is there some way we can get you to lower your price?
French: you're already making a big profit, that's a good deal and we'll give you the first pills in one week: Monday
Tony: [after the French-Canadian men speak to each other in their native language] what?
French: I cannot come the week next because my sister has problems in the court
Tony: you got a good lawyer? It makes all the difference
French: the old husband, they want to take the child they have together to Winnipeg because he's some drummer over there, you believe this?
French: she never sees her son
Bobby: separate a child from his mother? What kind of person does this?
French: I would give anything to be free of this shit: to have him gone from her life
Tony: that's very tough talk
French: I'm very serious
Tony: [after thinking it over] I'll tell you what, you knock your price down to thirty-five grand and we'll see what we can do about making your sister's custody problem "go away" and I'm not talking about a lawyer either
French: who does this, you pay some drug addict?
Tony: no, somebody reliable
Tony: [to Bobby after the French-Canadian men leave to talk privately] you'll take care of this, right?
Bobby: sure
Tony: no bow and arrows now

[Dr. Melfi gets out her prescription pad]
Tony: Here we go. Here comes the Prozac!

Tony: Furio come by?
Carmela: His already forty minutes late
Tony: [referring to his hangover] His probably worse off than me
Carmela: You two go out?
Tony: Can I get a cup of coffee? Where the fuck is he?
Carmela: Was he out with somebody last night?
Tony: He's a single guy: how should I know? Anyway, my memory's a little hazy
Tony: [after smelling the coffee] I'm going back to bed, when he gets here, don't wake me

A.J. Soprano: [Referring to damaging Carmella's station wagon] it wasn't my fault
Carmela: You stole my car, where is the trust in this house?
A.J. Soprano: When I get confirmed, I'm going to be a man so how come I can't drive?
Tony: You really want to get into this huh? Who was that "man" we had to pick at camp last year for bed wetting?
A.J. Soprano: That was the year before last
Carmela: You could've killed those girls
A.J. Soprano: That would've been interesting
Carmela: What? What'd you just say?
A.J. Soprano: Death just shows you the ultimate absurdity of life
Tony: What is this? Are you trying to get me to lose my temper? Because I'm about to put you through that God damn window
A.J. Soprano: See? That's what I mean: life is absurd
Carmela: Don't say that God forgive you
A.J. Soprano: There is no God
Carmela: Where is this coming from?
Tony: What'd they teach you this crap at school?
Carmela: Is this the new English teacher Mr. Clark..?Where is he from?
Meadow: [after AJ remains silent, while walking into the kitchen] Oberland. You want him to read something other than Hustler? Hello? He got assigned a stranger. You want him to be an educated person? What'd you think education is? You just make more money? This is education
A.J. Soprano: Do you ever think like why were we born?
Meadow: Madame de Staël said "In life, one must choose between boredom and suffering."
Tony: [to Meadow] Go to your room
A.J. Soprano: No, I'm serious why were we born?
Carmela: We were born because of Adam and Eve, that's why. Now go upstairs and do your math
Meadow: Algebra? That's the most boring
Tony: Well, your other choice is suffering, you want to start now? Move your ass!

Tony: [visiting her in the hospital] Hey, how you doing?
Valentina: [sedated under heavy medication, assuming Tony is her doctor] Are you gonna operate on me?
Tony: [not recognizing him while he wears non-scrub medical attire] No, it's me, Tony, they gotta fight infections
Valentina: My hair
Tony: The good news is it's gonna grow back and the burns are second degree so you don't need a skin graft or the hyperbolic chamber: Your gonna look the same as you always did
Valentina: Fuck you... it hurts
Tony: Sit tight, rest, they gotta keep you in here couple days so it don't get no bacteria in it
Valentina: Are you gonna operate on me?
Tony: Alright, look, I'm gonna take care of everything: the doctor bills, a wing, whatever. Don't worry about nothing. I gotta go

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: She's a great girl, you don't want to lose this one
Silvio: T's right, you could have more kids than the Kennedys, if you're married to some twat what good is it?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You've got to have balance in a relationship
Christopher: I know all that, what if the kid thing never happens?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Come on, medicine today, technology
Paulie: This isn't about Ade or anyone else, stay single as long as you can
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What are you saying?
Paulie: But marriage and our thing don't jive
Silvio: Everybody we know is married
Paulie: Not everybody
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You want to end up like my Uncle Junior?
Silvio: Or worse, Paulie?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Exactly
Christopher: Alright I've got to think about it

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [talking privately] Couple guys we know: their... Lebanese or some shit, they diverted a truck, a whole semi-trailer full of Centrum Multivitamins
Phil: That's a fuckin' score
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: yeah, the thing is, it's gotta be unloaded out of state because the troopers are on it, you interested? It could be distributed in... Long Island
Phil: [referring to the percentage of the profit] What's my end?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Fifty, fifty
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: But it's gotta be done now: tonight
Phil: [after thinking it over] Alright, in this case, I thinking we should spare John the stress of hearing about this
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [before agreeing to the deal by shaking hands] Well, the situation his in, his got enough to deal with

Carmela: did you go see Dr. Klober?
Meadow: [while lying in bed] yeah
Carmela: well, what did you talk about?
Meadow: she says I don't have to tell you or dad: it's "confidential"
Carmela: this is what we pay two hundred dollars for
Meadow: it was your idea, I only saw her out of a gesture of "good will"
Meadow: [after Carmela calls Tony into Meadow's room] look, I don't know what you're so upset about: it's my right to go to Europe, that's what she said
Carmela: I don't care what she said: it's totally irresponsible
Tony: [after entering Meadow's room] what?
Carmela: the therapist told her it is her "right" to go to Europe
Tony: whoa, whoa, she actually thinks this a good idea?
Meadow: she says it's no big deal, I can pick up my education wherever, whenever
Carmela: oh, really?
Meadow: Wendy said she can get me into a school in Barcelona if I decided to stay
Tony: who's "Wendy"?
Meadow: Dr. Wendy Klober?
Carmela: Barcelona?
Tony: I could take Melfi's head and crush it like a fuckin walnut
Carmela: I feel "battered"
Meadow: [getting out of bed] I've got to get to the salon
Carmela: did you tell "Wendy" you didn't work all summer?
Meadow: [sarcastically] wait, your right, I forgot to mention the "pivotal role" of the work ethic in this family
Carmela: you can lose that "smart mouth" right now
Meadow: or what? What is this Afghanistan? I'm over eighteen now, I'm a grown woman I can go wherever I want and do what I want
Carmela: [raises her voice] alright, Jesus, God, we know that, is that your only point here? Because "just" getting what you want is for babies, not adults
Meadow: it may interest you to know she thinks I probably should be on Prozac
Carmela: [surprised] she does?
Tony: she said that?
Meadow: Jackie was murdered, I know you think it's noting that screwing my head off at the Columbia army game wouldn't cure
Carmela: that is so unfair
Tony: alright, look, I've been thinking about this: now you're a smart girl, the "right move" is for you to wait, just until next year maybe?
Meadow: you know what I don't understand, dad? You were all in favor of me going
Tony: your mother doesn't want it
Meadow: [sarcastically] wow, listen to "Mr. mob boss"
Tony: what'd you call me?
Meadow: all this fucking "pussy footing" around for years now? Why don't we just get it out there?

Tony: How's your brother in law?
Anthony: [Implying Silvio should leave the room so they can talk privately] John's fuckin made of steel. I was told your ears only?
Tony: [Referring to the expensive roller ball pen he gave to Tony and making a joke] oh, that's why he didn't get a pen?
Anthony: [Nervously] no
Silvio: [Before leaving the room] his fuckin with you Anthony. Johnny's a silent partner in this heavy equipment leasing thing down in New Orleans
Tony: Good, Fema is down there handing out Krugerrands in buckets
Anthony: He said post Katrina you had some knowledge of business in the area
Tony: Well, let's just say that's another universe
Anthony: On the account of John's asset freeze, he'd love for you to contact these brothers: the owners, says Phil Leotardo shouldn't be involved, and John's asking as a friend. Obviously there's be a finder's fee for you

Tony: [to Carmela, referring to AJ] I laid it out for him: if he wants to move back here, it's gotta be with your full approval
Carmela: [to AJ] this was your idea?
A.J. Soprano: it was mutual
Tony: His upset because he don't get the kind of cereal he likes
A.J. Soprano: He threw it in the sink, how am I supposed to focus at school with no breakfast? I got dizzy
Carmela: I'm sorry, I don't see why the two of you can't work this out between yourselves
A.J. Soprano: Maybe I don't want to live in a place where people use violence against children?
Tony: Violence? You're lucky I didn't put my shoe up your ass
A.J. Soprano: [to his mother] You, see? That's abuse, I know what my rights are, I can call Social Services and they'll send a case worker
Tony: go ahead, you'll get the other shoe! This is demoralizing
Carmela: [to Tony] Now you see...
Tony: [interrupts her] That a son of mine would even consider calling in the authorities
Tony: [irritated, to AJ] Go ahead, live with your mother
Meadow: [walking past them, jokingly] Family meeting? Try and stay awake AJ
Tony: Keep walking
A.J. Soprano: [to his mother] I just want my old room back
Carmela: You wanted to live with your father: live with your decision
A.J. Soprano: I don't like it there
Carmela: That's funny, I thought I was the problem? I make you miserable, remember?
A.J. Soprano: I never said that
Carmela: You did
Tony: absolutely
Carmela: [after thinking it over] For me to even consider having you back, we're going to establish some non-negotiable ground rules
A.J. Soprano: What kind?
Tony: Let your mother talk
Carmela: First and foremost, school comes first: that means putting the brakes on your social life. Parties, phone calls, Devin, you are at a crisis point grade-wise. So, you will make sure your schoolwork is done on time and correctly
A.J. Soprano: Alright
Carmela: I will not tolerate cursing
A.J. Soprano: after sixteen years of potty mouth from you people, I get slammed?
Carmela: This is my house: you will treat me with respect
A.J. Soprano: Is that it?
Carmela: I want you to involve me in your life a little
A.J. Soprano: [after thinking it over] Fine
Tony: Alright, go get your stuff in the car

Tony: [Meeting privately in a car] I thought you weren't coming
Agent: You don't want to know
Tony: Actually I do
Agent: We had Intel that a Sulafa cell was at Newark Airport boarding some man into a 767 to London
Tony: Your right I don't want to know
Agent: We get this all the time our source was either wrong or it done to study our response time
Tony: It happens all the time?
Agent: What's up my friend?
Tony: My kid is obsessed with this shit his making a molar out of this, is he right?
Agent: [Harris' cell phone rings and answers it] Hey, probably another hour just leave it out I'll heat it up then don't leave it out, what do you want me to say?
[hangs up]
Tony: You got tough enough of a job with this terrorism shit I'll let you get home, the reason I called is because those two Arabs that turned you onto when I happened to remember my nephew mentioned a bank that they had an account a branch Demeter Merchant Bank
Agent: You just remembered that?
Tony: Yeah
Agent: Thanks
Tony: I know you that friend in the Brooklyn office is it possible he knows where Phil Leotardo is? I want to avoid any more of my guys getting hurt
[Harris chuckles]
Tony: I'm just saying if you heard anything from your pal
Agent: I haven't
Tony: I figured money sent to the Middle East
Agent: You're overreaching
[Tony leaves]

Tony: [while digging in Junior's backyard, helping him find his buried money] I'm digging half way to China, there's nothing here
Junior: Forty thousand I had, my share of the Bohack's haul from the seventies
Tony: Did you wrap it right?
Junior: Wrap what?
Tony: The money
Junior: He knows I need that fuckin money for my re-trial
Tony: Who?
Junior: You know who
Tony: No, I don't know who that's why I asked you
Junior: Malanga
Tony: Will you stop with that? Pussy Malanga's dead, 6 years now. I should dig him up already
Junior: [Not realizing his repeating himself caused by dementia] forty thousand I had, my share of the Bohack's haul from the seventies
Tony: We'll look later, your going to be late for the doctor

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [meeting privately in Junior's doctor's clinic] What'd you want to talk to me about?
Junior: My trial starts a week from Tuesday
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You'll beat it: Melvoin's good
Junior: We need to change our arrangement
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Which arrangement is that?
Junior: These fuckin lawyers are taking my internal organs: a million bucks for this trial Melvoin and Hershwin are charging and if that was bad enough, now they put this Harvard kid on, this lackey. I don't know what the fuck he does and then they just decided we need audibility experts to testify you can't determine what the defendant is saying on these government tapes, I could fuckin tell them that
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah, well, those guys got sound graphs and shit
Junior: Fifty grand the cocksuckers are charging. Plus, the minimization expert, plus the monthly expenses, fuckin Lexis fees, the Xeroxing, an entire forest in the north west must've given its life in Xerox papers for this one fuckin trial. I said to Mel Can't we have one fuckin meeting and use the same sheet of paper and pass it around?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Our split stays the same
Junior: You kept me in place as boss, to take the heat off you: my legal problems have you strutting around for two fuckin years now
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: There you go
Junior: Ten points, I got medical bills too
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I got cash flow problems of my own
Junior: A one time hit, fifty, sixty grand to cover the audibility expert
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I got two kids in private schools
Junior: God damn it!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Get your shy running right: that's what you should be focused on

Tony: These fuckin' women, they'll drive you nuts with their emotions and whatnot. And I know it feels like you're never gonna love anybody again. But trust me, there's millions of girls that are dyin' to meet a guy like you. I see 'em every day.
Anthony: Oh, right. I'm so special.
Tony: You're damn right you are. You're handsome, and smart, and hard worker, and - let's be honest - white. That's a huge plus nowadays... Go out and get a blowjob.
Anthony: I don't want a blowjob!
Tony: Keep your voice down.
Anthony: Why? Who's listening out there?
Tony: Nobody.
[Carmela opens the door]
Anthony: Ah, fuck me!

Carmela: [referring to the makeup on Christopher's face during his funeral] They did a beautiful job on him
Carmela: [after taking a deep breath] I'm gonna go up
Tony: I'll go up later
Carmela: How are you doing?
Tony: It's tough
Carmela: Yeah, he loved you so much
Tony: Yeah?
Carmela: You know he did

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It wasn't like it was friggin' Cobain! It was just a little suicidal gesture, that's all.

Little: So, the reason I'm here you could probably guess.
Tony: What happened at Coco's restaurant.
Little: This alteration you had with him. You're at the precipice, Tony, of an enormous crossroad.

Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: [In little Carmine's living room] As you all know, Phil asked me to arrange this meeting after the fire in the Wire Room
Phil: Correction, you asked me to attend and I agreed
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: Fair enough, I'm not going to call this a "sit-down" because of the negative implications, let's think of it as "a meeting of minds". So, for whatever reasons, certain incidents have expired lately, in addition to being dangerous, it could have an adverse impact on our businesses, that's bottom line.
Phil: I know Vito's bottom was "impacted" if that's what you're referring to
Tony: Call him what you will, but you're talking about one of my captains
Phil: Captain? "The Ship Lollipop" right?
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: Phil, please
Phil: Please my ass, the man was a fucking disgrace
Tony: Before he came out of the closet he worked for me and put a lot of paper in my pocket, yours too
Phil: Talk about earners? How about "Fat Dom" Gamiello?
Silvio: What about him?
Tony: So what fuck would I know about that?
Phil: As coincidence would have it, he was last seen in New Jersey
Tony: So was the Hindenburg, maybe you should look into that too
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: Tony, Phil, please we're going off point. Remember, I grew up in all of this and I just lost my friend Rusty and if there's one thing my father taught me was this: "a pint of blood is worth more than a gallon of milk". My business, all of our businesses... this fighting is costing money.
Tony: I'm willingly to move forward, let the past be bygone
Phil: Fine with me.
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: A Wise decision, on both your parts. I love to see a truce, wipe this day clean. The no-shows, The Wire Room, Vito, put it all behind us.
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: [to Phil] your brother Billy, whatever happened there.
Tony: [standing up] Alright then
Phil: "whatever happened there.?"
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: the shooting
Phil: [raising his voice] "whatever happened there.?"
Phil: [Stands up and points at Tony] I'll tell you what happened: this piece of shit's cousin put six bullets without any provocation, what so ever.
Tony: [to Carmine] Jesus Christ, why would you possibly bring that up?

Feech: [telling Tony his version of events, during a sit down, referring to Paulie] and then from nowhere, he cracks the one kid's head with a shovel, and the other one he knocks out of the tree
Paulie: [to Tony] he jumped out of the tree and came at me with a chainsaw, I got a right to defend myself, Tone
Tony: [to Paulie] alright, take it easy, relax
Paulie: [referring to Vitro's lawn mowing business] Sal Vitro's been working the area since my ma was still working at Kresge's. I should be able to help out a kid from my own neighborhood
Tony: [after thinking it over, to Feech, referring to Paulie] alright how about this? Vitro and your nephew will split the area, east of Dire is yours, west of Dire goes to him. For the broken arm, I don't know, give him five hundred bucks
Paulie: I already told the guy twelve
Tony: there's fuckin compromises in life Paulie. Alright, make it a grand: pain and suffering. Naturally, I want my "taste", retroactively because this is the first time I've heard anything about this

Tony: [when she arrives home] where you been?
Carmela: went to Merola's, I left you a message: the annual Christmas toy drive
Tony: how was it?
Carmela: it was nice: we gave an Xbox. So, Stan Klimick was there, Ruth's husband, he works for Kroll
Tony: the private I's?
Carmela: [nods] he does their computers. Anyway, I was telling him about Ade and he said we should hire professionals to track her down
Tony: [amused, chuckles] Carm...
Carmela: [interrupts him] it's not as expensive as you think: he gave me his card
Tony: look, it's not about the money, did you ever think that maybe it's an "intrusion" into Ade's personal life?
Carmela: what if she's in trouble? Stan said they had this case once this guy ran out on his child support. He was a hiking enthusiast and they tracked him down to a watering station in the Mojave Desert

Tony: [after seeing Junior spilled a nutrition drink from a blender onto himself and the kitchen counter] what the hell you doing?
Junior: Those marshals see you coming in here? Because I need be remanded to a jailhouse right now like I need a taste of crabs
Tony: There's no car out there today and I came up through the cellar like always. Where the fuck is Bacala'? His suppose to be doing this shit for you
Junior: I sent him to the drug store for some more Pepto
Tony: You're getting better, that's the important thing. You look better too.
Junior: If you're going to lie to me, tell me there's a broad waiting in the car that's going to tongue my balls.
Tony: Hey, if you want that, it's a phone call away.
Tony: [after looking at the mess on the counter] still want this?
Junior: I've got to get nutrition somehow. Kennedy says only eat what I can sip through a straw
Junior: [after Tony brings over a glass of the nutrition drink and sits next to him] what's going on with you and Ralphie Cifaretto? Bacala said there's bad blood now?
Tony: What? You don't got enough on your plate? You need a new blender? Worry about your own problems. When did they say you can eat real food?
Junior: Who knows? Kennedy's putting me under the knife again
Tony: [Confused] back up. More surgery? Don't you think you should talk to somebody else? Get a second opinion?
Junior: Chemo? Forget it, with Kennedy its "cut, zip, over and out". He has the hands of an angel, and don't forget his name
Tony: What? I'm supposed to be impressed because the name is "John Kennedy"? All the micks named their kids that after the guy got killed
Junior: I loved that man, his older than me and now look
Junior: [to Bobby after returns] you were gone a long time, how many White Castles did you have?
Bobby: I didn't, I swear
Junior: I can smell them
Tony: Let me call Cusamano, he knows doctors in the city it can't hurt to make a call
Junior: People come from the city to see Kennedy
Tony: Good, then we won't be fighting traffic. Come on uncle Jun you know I'm right
Junior: [Eventually referring to Bobby didn't ask any productive questions at the last doctor's visit] alright you set it up,you come with me to listen and ask questions
Tony: [Before leaving and giving Junior a kiss on the head] good, good, I'll let you know alright?
Junior: My nephew thinks I need a "second opinion." he doesn't like it that I'm going back under the knife
Bobby: Maybe there's something to that?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after Junior hung up the phone, referring to Donnie K] oh, your sending a fruit basket to the kid, he'll appreciate it
Junior: [Referring to his lawyer] It's for Mel, the poor guy had a stroke, can you believe it? His younger than me
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Melvoin? Jesus Christ that's terrible
Junior: [Referring to the Italian-American slang for stupid or crazy] That's why I asked you to come over. His speech, he'll sound a little" stunad", probably forever, but get this: nine months maybe a year before he could work a full schedule, they'll have to postpone my retrial
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No shit
Junior: The question is should I use this to stall, then get a lawyer who's more with it?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So, you heard about this thing with Phil and John?
Junior: Bobby said something about this
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You're losing money apparently
Junior: Yeah? How much?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I don't know, you got to talk to him
Junior: John?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Bobby, does John do your collections?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Look, what'd you think? Phil's just beat one of our guys to an inch of his life, next time his going to kill somebody. What can I do? His my cousin
Junior: [Confused, distracted] did I give him the office address or the home?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [while Junior looks through his phone book] I'm talking to you
Junior: The man had a stroke, do you want it to go to the wrong place? Its fruit, it'll rot
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Hey, I pinned myself into a corner here and I don't see a way out
Junior: But he wasn't made right? The kid? Phil's son
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after realizing Junior is developing dementia] it's ok, forget it
Junior: [When seeing Tony shaking his head] I'm sorry Anthony but I'm fuckin all nonplussed with all this news
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Frankly I don't know, it's got a "squirrelly" in this house
Junior: Tell Phil
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Tell Phil what?
Junior: [as Tony stands up to leave] where you going? You wanted to confer with me?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No, it's not important. Make sure you eat a little lunch today

Salvatore: [after Tony discovers the affront Coco made to Meadow he walks towards him who is talking to a waiter, with a gun] Some peppers and cheese, gorgonzola. Alright? Don't Forget
Butch: [Tony starts to beat Coco to a pulp] WHOA! WHOA!
Tony: [training his gun at Butch] Sit down! SIT DOWN!
Butch: [sits down] Easy, easy!
Tony: You motherfucker! My fuckin' daughter
[beating Coco]
Tony: My fuckin' daughter. MOTHERFUCKER! MY FUCKIN' DAUGHTER!
[puts his gun in Coco's mouth]
Tony: You want some Sambuca with this?
Butch: Tony! You're makin' a big fuckin' mistake here!
Tony: [aiming at Butch again] How about I put a bullet in your fuckin' head huh?
[pulls Coco and puts his mouth on the fireplace]
Salvatore: Don't do it!
[Tony curb stomps Coco, making him lose some teeth as Butch looks away]
Tony: [threatening Butch] Want some?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Are you still taking the lithium?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Lithium, Prozac. When's it gonna end?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: We're trying to give a jolt to your system. Give it... a little kick-start.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Why not kick me in the head?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What you're going through is very painful, I know that.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You get stabbed in the ribs, that's painful. This shit, I don't feel nothing. Nothing. Dead. Empty.

Tony: [Tony gets into Christopher's car and punches his head in anger] What the fuck is wrong with you?
Christopher: Didn't Paulie tell you I haven't been feeling good?
Tony: I wipe my ass with your feelings.
Christopher: Thanks, thanks a lot
Tony: Drive the fucking car, we're under the microscope and I heard you shot some civilian in the foot because he made you wait for buns?
Christopher: Fucking Paulie
Tony: Don't blame fucking paulie, Makazian comes to me and tells me Nutley PD has got a description make and of the car, why don't you leave a fucking urine sample next time?
Christopher: If I could've...
Tony: [shouting] SHUT UP and Georgie comes into the club his got vomit all over his shirt I ask him what the fuck, he says your digging up somebody you clipped three months ago
Christopher: I was...
Tony: [shouting] SHUT UP, people that shit they want to get caught
Christopher: I want to get caught?
Tony: Yeah you want to get aught I've seen that before that's cowboy-itis you want to be a big bad guy Christopher?
Christopher: I was worried I didn't...
Tony: [shouting] SHUT UP
Christopher: Can I try and explain here? I don't know it's just the regularness of life it's just too hard for me or something I don't know
Tony: [Patting and rubbing Christopher's head] Look at you. I bet you're sleeping all the time right?
Christopher: It's the only thing I still enjoy. You know what I think? Maybe I have cancer, remember how Jackie got it?
Tony: Cancer?
Christopher: Something horrible is going on inside my body, there's a physical change or something
Tony: does this word cancer pop into your head a lot, or a little bit or what?
Christopher: [Confused] What?
Tony: I'm thinking maybe your depressed.
Christopher: Me? I'm no fucking "mental midget"
Tony: Right.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [as AJ walks down the stairs in a military uniform] oh, Sgt. Bilko
Carmela: [Chastising him for teasing AJ] Tony
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Your right. I'm sorry. You shouldn't get too gloomy about this
Carmela: [Admiring him his appearance] My God Anthony, you know what? You look very handsome
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: She's right. You do
A.J. Soprano: Yeah, right
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Referring to the slang term for the latissimus dorsi muscles] No, I'm serious. Tight suit like that shows off your lats
Carmela: Put on the hat?
A.J. Soprano: No way
Carmela: Please? You look so cute at the store
A.J. Soprano: They're not going to sew the hat
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Put the hat on for your mother
A.J. Soprano: No!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Quickly stands up from the couch] what'd you say?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after AJ put on the hat] Now, look at that. I'm serious you look very impressive
Carmela: My God, if I wasn't already married
A.J. Soprano: [after looking at himself in the mirror] I look like a total jerk-off
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You do not. What're you crying?
A.J. Soprano: I don't want to go there
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You need toughing up
Carmela: [while trying to adjust the bottom of his slacks] stand up straight
A.J. Soprano: I'm standing fuckin straight
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Pointing at him] hey, you keep it up God damn it!

Agent: [Over a cell phone in a motel room] Multiple calls traced to a pay phone in Oyster Bay Long Island
Tony: [over a cell phone, standing next to his van] What? Where's the pay phone exactly?
Agent: Gas station most likely
Tony: Gas station?
Tony: His lamed out he might not be able to put his hands on a clean phone
Tony: Alright, listen, thanks

Carmela: How are you? Everything ok?
Tony: [Showing her his school assignment] AJ left this in his room. I thought he might need it to turn in
Carmela: [after reading the name on the paper] did you even look at this? Who the hell is Anne Dunmn?
Tony: How should I know?
Carmela: Well, she's obviously some girl who was an expert on Lord of the Flies three years ago. This is an A+ paper
Tony: Since when do you eat duck?
Carmela: I can't believe he would do this
Tony: Neither could I, considering how tight he is with money
Carmela: That's not what I meant. What? You think he bought this? God damn it
Carmela: [after answering the phone] hello?
Robert: I was just laying here thinking about you. What're you wearing?
Carmela: [Trying to hide her affair with AJ's teacher from Tony by talking casually] yes hello Mr. Wegler, I'm afraid now's not a good time
Robert: I'm serious, I want to know
Carmela: [Attempting to end the conversation] Well yes thank you very much. I will make sure he brings it in, ok goodbye Mr. Wegler
Robert: I made reservation at that crab place down by the shore: dinner and a little night swimming
Carmela: [Before hanging up] Right, ok thank you
Tony: What'd that fag want?
Carmela: Jesus Christ Tony, everybody's a fag to you. Maybe your a fag? You ever think about that?
Tony: Could I help it if I know one when I see one?
Carmela: Oh really? What're the signs? Education? Culture?
Tony: Suckin a guy's cock usually tips me off
Carmela: How do you know who sucks whose cock? What? You got a little secret? And what'd you care if somebody's gay? Must be some big fear of yours or you wouldn't talk about it so much

Bob: Some people would have you believe dinosaurs existed millions of years ago. It's just not true! God created the Earth six thousand years ago. And I tell my kids: 'You have to remember: dinosaurs and human beings lived on the Earth at the same time!'
Tony: What? Like the Flintstones?
Bob: It's in the Bible!
Tony: What about all that Carbon dating stuff? A lot of scientists would disagree with you!
Bob: I think you'll find those people all have an agenda, Tony: Evolution, which is Satan's plan to deny God! Evolution and Salvation are mutually exclusive!
Tony: Guy next door is a scientist. Think he'd disagree with you big time!
Bob: Then that man's not saved!

Tony: Got any blow?
Richie: [Surprised] what?
Tony: Blow, coke, you don't keep it on you? I've got to go to the deli in Nutley?
Richie: Tony...
Tony: [Interrupts him] you don't sell that shit along those routes you understand me?
Richie: I'm working with Junior on this
Tony: I don't give a shit if you're working with Wal-Mart, knock it the fuck off
Richie: I'm trying to earn here, we're saving for a house
Tony: You got enough on your plate just picking up garbage
Richie: Not if you and that cock sucker Borone won't let me "expand"
Tony: Are you stupid? Or what? After five years the cops are finally leaving garbage alone. A drug bust on one of those routes is a different story, you got the FBI, you got the DEA, and all those fuckin pricks are going to breathing down our necks again
Richie: It's a little coke, what is the big deal?
Tony: You and my uncle, you want to deal drugs? That's your business. You do it on association garbage routes it's my business. It stops today, you got it?
Richie: [Remains silent, while staring]
Tony: [Telling him to stop staring] don't give me your fuckin Manson lamps. Just fucking stop. Another thing: don't tip our truck on a problem customer. You know I fuckin hate how you make me fuckin ride you. Now get the fuck out of here

Tony: You know, you got a reputation for immaturity, and its not gonna be improved by not paying the tributes the acting boss demands of you.
Brendan: Acting boss my ass Tone. Come on, everybody knows you really run things since Jackie became the "Kemo Sabe."

Tony: [in a high class restaurant] You said you wanted to be a lawyer for black people.
Meadow: Oh, that's all I said? Really? What I said was "The state can crush the individual."
Tony: New Jersey?
Meadow: The government. Specifically, the federal government.
Tony: And what about little babies? They face, uh, meningitis.
Meadow: You know what really turned me? Seeing the way Italians are treated. It's like Mom says. And if we can have our rights trampled like that, imagine what it's like for recent arrivals.
Tony: Well...
Meadow: If I hadn't seen you dragged away all those times by the FBI, then I'd probably be a boring suburban doctor.

Tony: Is everyone in my life fuckin' bananas?

Carmela: Let's just say your uncle has acquired quite a taste for her.
Tony: No, shit, Uncle Jun gives head?
Carmela: World class.
Tony: The old man's whistling through the wheat field?
Carmela: Don't be disgusting!
Tony: Oh, he's a Bushman of the Kalahari!
Carmela: [laughs]
Carmela: [laughs] That's why I don't tell you anything 'cause you don't know when to stop!
Tony: Oh my God, if this ever gets out.
Carmela: Oh yeah, like you don't do it or any of your friends. Bunch of hypocrites.
Tony: Hey, what goes on in this bedroom stays here and you know that.
Carmela: Once a year? I can resist the urge to gossip.

Johnny: So, are you in on the bus station project?
Tony: Massarone is waiting on a number
Johnny: How's he doing?
Tony: Good, we had coffee. He used to bore me Jack, he ain't a bad guy once you get to know him
Johnny: I always liked him
Tony: I was very touched by that funeral the other day: a real heart grabber
Johnny: That fuckin Little Carmine and after what? Five years in Florida fixing wet t-shirt contests

Meadow: This country's light-years behind the rest of the world. Most civilized countries have legalized prostitution.
Tony: Don't you got somewhere to be?
Meadow: I mean, it's a joke. Look what they're putting the President through.
Carmela: He deserved what he got.
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: He got Monica Lewinsky and the broad with the long nose.
Meadow: I just don't think sex should be a punishable offense.
Tony: You know honey, that's where I agree with you. I don't think sex should be a punishable offense either. But I do think talking about sex at the breakfast table is a punishable offense. So no more sex talk, OK?
Meadow: It's the 90s. Parents are supposed to discuss sex with their children.
Tony: Yeah, but that's where you're wrong. You see out there it's the 1990s but in this house it's 1954.
[points to the window]
Tony: 1990s.
[points to the floor]
Tony: 1954. So now and forever, I don't want to hear any more sex talk, OK?

Silvio: [Referring to killing protest leader, Professor Del Redclay] Maybe we should just whack this prick
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Who the fuck are you kidding? All you thought about was Blackjack
Silvio: What?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You think this stay in the country was free don't you? Well, it wasn't. Fuckin Chief Smith wants Frankie Valli to come up there and play for a week, that's what this whole junket was about
Silvio: Frankie?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah that's right. That's why he "butt holed" me God damn it. His bad over Frankie's manager so the chief wants me to call him directly as payback for him reaching out to Redclay, but you're making the call
Silvio: I haven't seen Frankie for years
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Angrily] tough shit, you're making the fuckin call. You and this fuckin parade already
Silvio: I don't know what you're so hot about. They're discriminating all Italians as a group when they disallowed Columbus
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh, will you fuckin stop? "Group". What the fuck happened to Gary Cooper? That's what I'd like to know
Silvio: He died because he fought all those Sioux in all those westerns
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh fuck that. Gary Cooper: there was an American. The strong, silent type. He did what he had to do. He faced down the Miller gang when none of those other assholes in town would lift a finger to help him. Did he complain? Did he say "oh, I come from this poor Texas, Irish, illiterate background or whatever the fuck so leave me the fuck out of it because my people got fucked over."
Silvio: T, not for nothing, but you're getting confused here. The guy was in the movies
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What the fuck difference does that make? Columbus was so long ago he might as well been in a fuckin movie. Images you set
Silvio: The point is: Gary Cooper, the real Gary Cooper or anybody named Cooper never suffered like the Italians. If they met a guy like him, they fucked everybody else. The Italians, the Polacks, and the blacks
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: If he was a Madigan around nowadays he'd be a member of some victim's group: the fundamentalist Christians, the abused cowboys, the gays, whatever the fuck
Christopher: He was gay, Gary Cooper?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [shouts, irritated] No! Are you listening to me?
Silvio: Hey, people are suffering
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Did you? Except maybe the Feds?
Silvio: My grandparents got spit on because they were from Calabria
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Referring to the surname of the Chicago mobster] let me ask you a question? With all the good things you have in your life: did they come to you because you're Calabrese? I'll tell you the answer. The answer's no. you got a kid in Lackawanna College, you got a wife, who's a piece of ass, at least she was when you married her. You own one of the most profitable topless bars in all north Jersey, now did you get all that because your Italian? No you got it because your you, you're smart because you're whatever the fuck. Where the fuck is our self-esteem? That shit doesn't come from Columbus, The Godfather, or Chef fuckin Boyardee
Silvio: We've got to tiptoe around the Indians don't we? We can't call our teams the Braves, or the Tomahawks
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You take it up with Frankie Valli when talk to him

Assemblyman Zellman: [while in the sauna room] summer of sixty-seven we're both home on break. I was interning at the state legislature, what were you doing?
Maurice: East Newark Co-op
Assemblyman Zellman: Right but come July
Tony: The Newark riots
Ralph: What a fuckin summer that was
Assemblyman Zellman: Later that year Maurice and I have to organize one of the first all black voting drives
Tony: Maurice, were you around for Anthony Imperiale? The "white knight"?
Maurice: Around? Who do you think he was fighting against?
Assemblyman Zellman: Italian pride "keep Newark white"
Maurice: Spying Klansman: some of those boys
Ralph: So, this group you got now, the Urban Housing League, what's the story there?
Maurice: Like many non-profits, we've fallen on hard times. Republican administration plus proliferation of new charities post 9/11
Tony: Sounds like you three got a lot to talk about. I'm going to hit the showers. Maurice: nice meeting ya
Maurice: Same here
Assemblyman Zellman: I took the liberty of filling in Maurice on the broad strokes
Ralph: Ok we got a guy Dr. Fried, his an Urologist. We're going to give him half a million of our money, have him grab these four houses on Garside Street for a hundred and twenty-five a piece
Maurice: The old first ward
Ralph: Once we own the houses we got an appraiser who'll "play ball" and his going to appraise them in the three hundred thousand dollar range. What you do Maurice is you take the phony appraisals to HUD tell them the Urban Housing League will buy these shit holes and convert them into low cost housing for working families
Ralph: Once HUD guarantees the mortgage app you take it to the bank, they cut a check and we work it up nice
Maurice: At which I assume my organization fails to make the mortgage payments
Assemblyman Zellman: Unforeseen construction delays and repeated vandalism forced the project into disillusion. We all walk away from the houses
Ralph: Your cut will be in the ten percent of the profit range
Assemblyman Zellman: My office will write a letter in strong support of your application
Maurice: Sounds about right

Johnny: [During a meeting] what blows me is before when Little Carmine went to Florida, I was actually close with him. I was actually at his wedding party for Christ's sake. He organized this whole bachelor party: lesbian shows, whores fuckin disgusting, and then when he had that kid with that kid lung problem who do you think got him that doctor in Park Avenue?
Tony: Water over the damn
Christopher: I had no idea you two were that close
Johnny: Close? We were like brothers
Christopher: It's a shame you can't find a way to work things out
Tony: [to Christopher, trying to prevent him from interfering] give me a piece of bread
Christopher: Have you thought about this? Maybe you let him keep Lorraine and you take a bigger piece of the Florida shit: the clubs
Johnny: If I wanted to worry about Florida, I'd move to fuckin Miami. You know it wasn't long ago I remember you used to wait in the car, as far as I'm concerned you should still be there

Tony: Maybe this was his chance to get out. I know Dad was no choir boy, but maybe with a little bit of support...
Livia: Oh, Mr. Sensitive now. Well, if it bothers you, maybe you better talk to a psychiatrist.
[walks away]
Tony: Whoa, what are you talkin' about, a psychiatrist?
Livia: Well, that's what people do when they're lookin' for somebody to blame for their life, isn't it?
Tony: You're a real stone player, aren't you, Ma? You threatened to smother his children.
Livia: What does that mean?
Tony: You know, everyone thought Dad was the ruthless one. But I gotta hand it to you. If you'd been born after those feminists, you woulda been the real gangster.
Livia: I don't know what you're talking about!
[walks away]

Tony: My wife thinks I need to meet new people.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So?
Tony: C'mon, you're Italian, you understand. Guys like me we're brought up to think that Merigan are fuckin' bores. The truth is the average white man is no more boring than the millionth conversation over who should have won, Marciano or Ali.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So am I to understand that you don't consider yourself white?
Tony: I don't mean white like Caucasian. I mean a white man like our friend Cusamano. Now he's Italian, but he's Merigan. It's what my old man would have called a Wonder Bread wop. He eats his Sunday gravy out of a jar.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after entering their mother's home] When'd you change the locks?
Janice: [referring to Svetlana] The minute the Ukrainian dye job was out the door
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Don't mess with the Russians: it's all I'm gonna say
Janice: She can have her leg back when she returns ma's record collection and don't say you wouldn't have done the same thing
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [irritated] I'm getting calls at my house from her cousin, I can't have it, don't fuck with me on this: give back the leg
Janice: Those records are yours too. It's sad you don't care: those records, their a window into ma's soul. In fact, I'm making a documentary The World War Two generation and their music exemplified by ma
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Who the fuck are you kidding? Your gonna sell them on the internet
Janice: I have work to do
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [while making the hand gesture for male masturbation, implying he doesn't believe her] yeah right, cleaning up the cellar. Good luck finding the lost dutchman goldmine, you'd make more money working a real job
Janice: Right, like the minute I'm out of here, you're not gonna have contractors downstairs tearing apart the walls

Tony: My wife had her doubts about Jackie Jr. and all along, I kept defending the two-faced prick
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you feel responsible for their relationship?
Tony: [referring to her previous boyfriend Noah Tannenbaum] Well, Meadow thinks she'd still be going out with the "Oreo cookie" if it wasn't for me
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Well, that's true, isn't it?
Tony: Look, the question is: what am I gonna do about Jackie? Should I tell my wife? Meadow... it'd break heart if she knew
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [before Tony abruptly gets up to leave] On another subject, I was thinking what we were talking about the last time you were here: you know your friend who was working for the federal government? Granted, I get most of my information from the movies and Bill Kurtis, but I was thinking...

Meadow: [after Tony interrupts Eric and Meadow practicing music] do you mind? God
Tony: [Angrily] I'm trying to get some sleep, I've been working all night
Tony: How you doing Eric?
Eric: Pretty good
Tony: [Referring to his guitar skills] sounds good
Eric: Thanks
Meadow: Are you awake now?
Tony: Yeah
Meadow: Good, close the door
Tony: [Irritated by her attitude] hey! Where's your mother?
Meadow: The store. Oh, aunt Barb called, uncle Tom's father died
Tony: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Tom Sr.? When?
Meadow: I don't know
Tony: What the hell happened?
Meadow: I don't know
Tony: The guy's here almost every Christmas eve, you don't ask? Somebody says "Joe blow" died, nobody asks "how" or "what happened?"
Tony: [while closing her door referring to her lack of respect] Jesus

Christopher: Frankly, Tone, I'm thinking maybe we should meet Phil's number.
Tony: Why? I think that would set a terrible precedent right now. Just bend over? When he just became boss of the family over there?
Christopher: Yeah, well, that's the flying ointment. Even still, I say let him have it. Life's too short.
Tony: It's also too short to live it as a fuckin' lackey.
Christopher: True, too.

Carmela: I think you should pay him, Tony
Tony: No fucking way!
Carmela: What, your daughter's future isn't worth 50,000 dollars?
Tony: [refusing to donate money to Meadow's university] That's not it. That motherfucker's full of shit. He's shaking me down
Carmela: No, he's not
Tony: Oh, yeah? Who knows more about extortion, me or you?

Tony: I'm depressed.
Carmela: I'm telling you. Don't you start now.
Tony: What does that mean?
Carmela: It means what it means. I have enough on my plate, I don't need you adding to it with your bullshit.
Tony: Bullshit? It's an illness and it's fuckin' hereditary.
Carmela: Thank you, I know. I am intimately acquainted with the Soprano curse. Your father, your uncle, your great-grandfather who drove the donkey cart off the road in Avellino, all of it.
Tony: Oh, you think it's a joke?
Carmela: Am I laughing?
Tony: Well, then what are you sayin'?
Carmela: He didn't get it from my family. That's all I'm gonna say.
Tony: Your family don't even talk. Your father's so bottled up it's a wonder he's even got a stomach left.
Carmela: Yeah, as opposed to yours.
Tony: At least my father was out front about what was botherin' him.
Carmela: Right, with a bullet through your mother's beehive hairdo.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Referring to the age Jackie Jr. died] twenty-two years old. Living in the housing project. Imagine the shame for the family? Fortunately they were no longer boyfriend and girlfriend
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: How's your daughter taking it?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Not very well
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You certainly saw it coming with this boy didn't you?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Slightly nods] in the end, I failed him but what the fuck are you going to do? The world today. I'll tell you one thing though: I'm not going to make the same mistake with AJ. Got expelled, we're sending him to military school
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You know we never exactly discussed what you want for your children
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I don't want them to end up in Booton with their face blown off
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You followed your father's into his business
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I didn't have a choice. I try to make sure my kids have every opportunity. Meadow's going to Columbia for Christ's sake. She wants to be some kind of professional woman: like you
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: A psychiatrist?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: And have to listen to guys like me whine all day? She mentioned being a pediatrician once
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You'd like that?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah I would like something like that but the important thing is that she get far away from me. She could live close
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I think I understand, and your son?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: AJ? In my business? Forget it, he'd never make it

Carmela: [while counting money at their kitchen table] Allegra Sacrimoni, getting married: were we not just at her christening?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [jokingly] 1980, fifty-pound bundle of joy
Carmela: She'll be a beautiful bride Tony
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [before gesturing to Meadow] All brides are beautiful, wait until this one gets married
Carmela: [to Tony] How much are we giving? So, I can write it down
Meadow: You keep tabs on gifts? How sentimental
Carmela: That's how it's done Meadow
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So, we can know if they "stiff" us when your big day comes
Carmela: Exactly
Meadow: What is this pressure?
Carmela: I know you'd to think it's me pressuring you but the reality is it's your father that keeps this going
Meadow: Please, like you're aren't desperate to have a grandchild
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Any thoughts on when you and Finn are tying the knot?
Meadow: This discussion is over
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Look, sweetie, it's just what I've been through, it changes the way you think and holding my grandkids, your kids in my lap, all of a sudden, it's very important to me

David: [after woken up by Tony unzipping the camping tent David was sleeping in inside his sports goods store] Tony, what're you doing here?
Tony: I was going to ask you the same fuckin question
David: It's my store
Tony: [after looking at the mess, sarcastically] congratulations, it's a fuckin disaster
David: Hey, some of those airline tickets came in, you want me to split them with Richie?
Tony: They're mine, it's my idea. This is where you sleep?
David: Yeah, sometimes. It's easier than going home
Tony: [while sitting down on a wooden bench near David's tent] I know what you mean. I remember when you transferred in the tenth grade from Baden-Baden, fuckin army brat
David: Hey, you remember when those Guidos from Paterson caught you at Garret Mountain and had you barricaded in your old man's car? I whipped that rocket and hit that guy in the eye?
Tony: Don't reminisce on me
David: You told me not to get into the game, why'd you let me do it?
Tony: Well, I knew you had this business here Davey, it's my nature "frog on a scorpion" you know? Besides if you would've won I'd be the one crying the blues right?
David: What's the end?
Tony: The end? Declaring bankruptcy
Tony: [after David begins crying] hey, your not the first guy to get "busted out."This is how a guy like me makes a living: this is my bread and butter. When this is over your free to go. You can go wherever you want

Tony: [sees Vin urinating] What the hell are you doing?
Det. Vin Makazian: This place is an hour away from my office.
Tony: An hour? What are you, a woman? Get a bladder transplant. My mother lives here.

Tony: What was your mother like? She ever let you down, do anything to hurt your feelings?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Of course she did. She was controlling, manipulative at times. She also never tried to kill me.
Tony: I pushed her over the edge.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: By placing her in a lovely retirement community.
Tony: It's a nursing home!

Marie: [talking privately] I really appreciate you letting me see you and you've been so descent about everything since Vito's death, I just don't know who else
Tony: [seeing her become emotional] Alright, alright come on, come on. What can I do?
Marie: [referring to her son] It's little V, the social worker said his just acting out
Tony: Social worker?
Marie: Kids' stuff mostly, but so angry. Although, some of what his being accused of it's just persecution. They claim he hung the Patruzo's cat on the garage door but it's totally unfounded
Tony: Well, in a way, it's to be expected with Vito passing and all that entrails
Marie: I think the only solution is to move away: from that house, the kids at school
Marie: [while reaching into her purse to take out a piece of paper with the details written on it] I figured it out, I know it's a lot but four hundred thousand, my friend Cheryl lives in Orono, Maine, by the university and there's this two-story cape with solid schools, you always said if there's anything you can do
Tony: [nods] Sure, have you talked to his uncle?
Marie: Who?
Tony: Phil
Marie: [shakes her head] Phil's not his uncle: him and I are second cousins
Tony: Before we get too drastic here and uproot Little Vito and all of you from your friends and family, I should talk to him
Marie: His impossible to talk to
Tony: It's not easy to substitute for a dad, I know but maybe... I can fill in here?
Marie: [when he stands up] Ok, but you'll think about it?
Tony: Believe me, I'm gonna take care of you and his gonna be ok

Mr. Teittleman: Do you have a daughter, Mr. Soprano?
Tony: Yes. Call me Tony.
Mr. Teittleman: What would you do if your daughter was abused by her husband?
Tony: I'd talk to him.
Silvio: Yeah, in "Ball Peen Hammer".

[In the safe house]
Anthony: [Hands Tony an envelope] Right now it's light
Tony: This situation ain't all bad haven't a green vegetable in over a week
Benny: Can't even go down to the pork store got to hang around here doing nothing
Anthony: [Tony gives the cat some food] who's he belong to?
Benny: He just showed up during the big storm
Tony: He caught a mouse down in the cellar
Patsy: A lot of my customers are giving their action to New York
Carlo: Power vacuum their taking advantage
Dante: [Walden comes in the front door and greco draws his gun] what the fuck are you coming that way for?
Walden: Sorry I forgot
Carlo: We're going to meet Paulie down at the hospital and visit Sil you want to come?
Tony: No, I got some shit I have to do, my daughter
[Tony picks up his assault rifle leaves the room and goes upstairs]
Benny: Yesterday was his gout

Carmela: You've heard the term "comfort food". Maybe it'll make you feel better.
Anthony: I know this is hard for you to believe, but food may not be the answer to every problem.
Tony: Neither is acting like a whiny little bitch.

Johnny: Ralph Cifaretto came by
Tony: [Jokingly] Yeah, what'd he want? A fully fueled jet and a safe trip to the Pope?
Johnny: His running scared since you canceled Thanksgiving dinner
Tony: [Quoting Sun Tzu] If your opponent is of choleric temper, irritate him
Johnny: He wants to apologize
Tony: Oh really?
Johnny: Would that put this to rest?
Tony: If it's sincere it might relieve me of a very unpleasant decision
Johnny: You know we're about to break ground on the Esplanade, we're talking about millions of dollars here, it wouldn't hurt either of us to have a point man that feels appreciated. I'm just saying it wouldn't hurt to throw him a bone
Tony: Like what?
Johnny: Capo?
Tony: No fuckin way. Never. You heard what he did the poor girl, she just had a twentieth birthday
Johnny: Capo is what he mentioned. I threw cold water on it right away but she was a whore
Tony: You know I don't want to talk about that situation again with anybody, you understand me?
Johnny: It was just a suggestion, keep a happy shop
Tony: Correct me if I'm wrong, didn't you say you weren't going to stick your beak in?
Johnny: Can't two friends talk?

Tony: [Meadow refusing to accept a SUV from Tony as a gift] You don't want it? Fine, don't take it but I'll eat it before I give it back what am I a sucker? The guy owed me money and he did the right thing and offered the car as partial payment, you want to act holier than now? You right ahead but I'm not giving it back ,I'm going to take it and sell it to Pussy and use the money to buy clothes and food and shoes and cd players and all the rest of this shit I've been buying since the day you were born, everything this family has comes from the work I do a grown man made a wager, he lost he made another one, he lost again end of story, so take that high moral ground and sleep at the fucking bus station if you want

Tony: [Driving in car] So what's goin' on with you?
A.J. Soprano: Nothin'.
Tony: Nothin. You know, that 'No God' shit. That upsets your mother very much.
A.J. Soprano: It's not 'No God'. It's 'God is dead.'
Tony: Who said that?
A.J. Soprano: [Misspeaks] Nitch. He's a 19th century philosopher from Germany. Anyway, that's why I'm not getting confirmed.
Tony: Enough with that shit, alright? Your confirmation's comin' up this weekend and you ARE gettin' confirmed!
A.J. Soprano: That sucks my nut!
Tony: [Lightly slaps AJ with the back of his hand] Ay! You got a lotta balls, you know that? You go to Catholic school and your mother wants it!
A.J. Soprano: Yeah, what does she know?
Tony: She knows that even if God IS dead, you're still gonna kiss his ass!

Tony: [Referring to how his children socialize with their friends] My girl did the same thing, at his age, always in a group, what's that about?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What's it about for you?
Tony: In my day a boy and a girl went on a date and your father hoped you wouldn't get too far or else you'd get the girl knocked up and her parents would come over and break your legs
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I don't think it's about him going to the mall with a group that bothered you, it was that he wanted to go to mall instead of the movies with you
Tony: Well, his getting to that age where his got a life of his own
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: One that doesn't include you
Tony: It was always "we'll do this", "we're going to do that..."
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Not so fast I've heard you many times about being with your son
Tony: Yeah well that's over now... gone... done
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Its bitter sweet this period, you're glad they're growing up but you're sad to lose them
Tony: [Intentionally changing the subject] I could be going away, for a very long time for something I didn't do
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Remains silent]
Tony: [Offended by her not showing any emotions, sarcastically] how about "gee that's too bad Anthony" or "what a shame Tony"
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: We can't go into specifics on this
Tony: Well, here's something "specific", I didn't do anything wrong, we're not suppose to talk about it. I could be going to the can for the rest of my life and I'm not supposed to discuss it with my psychiatrist? What the fuck are you for anyway?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: How does that make you feel? The idea that you might be sent to prison
Tony: I've just got to stay around a little while for the kids, especially my boy. Once his out of the house the government can do whatever the fuck they want to do, give me life, give me the chair, whatever they want
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I've never seen you like this
Tony: Like what?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Scared
Tony: [Amused] you know I wouldn't use that word but sometimes I feel, I don't know, you mother fuckers, you know I don't fuckin deserve this
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Intentionally changing the subject] how's your medication?
Tony: [Shifting in his seat]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Sensing he feels uncomfortable] Maybe we should stop

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Are you still taking your medication?
Tony: Off and on
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You should either take it or don't take it ok?
Tony: [Nods]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: In the coffee shop you mentioned you had a panic attack that led to an automobile accident?
Tony: It seems like years ago
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You mean you're so busy? Or you mean you're angry with me for not agreeing to treat you then?
Tony: I found out a little "medical history". My old man had the same thing: panic attacks followed by passing out. Cracked his head on a cigarette machine
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Interesting
Tony: Interesting? That's it? You're not going to send me for tests or something? Did you read the article in The Times?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Anthony, what is it you want to "achieve" here
Tony: What I want to "achieve"? I want to stop passing out. I want to stop panicking. I want to direct my power and my anger to the people that deserve it. I want to be in total control
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: There's no such thing as "total control."
Tony: Of course there is
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You want to be a better gang leader? Read The Art of War by Sun Tzu
Tony: You know what? Fuck you, you know who I am and you know what I do. You called me. You know where I was when you called?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I don't know
Tony: I was outside a whore house where a guy who works for me was beating the shit out of someone who owes me money, broke his arm. Put a bullet in his knee cap
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: How'd that make you feel?
Tony: I wished it was me in there
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Getting the beating or taking it?
Tony: [Smiles, remains silent]

Tony: I came here today to tell you, in all seriousness, that I'm done. I did what you said. I gave it a lot of thought and I decided, once and for all, it's over. The truth is this therapy is a jerk-off. You know it and I know it.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I actually don't know it but please continue.
Tony: It's a jerk-off.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Yes, you've said that.

[about his father]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: The belt was his favorite child development tool.

Tony: YOU STUPID FUCKIN' MORON! You realized what could have happened to you if we didn't have connections? Some cop goes by the book and they charge you with attempted murder! You hear me! Attempted murder, then what? THEN WHAT?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: He shot you! Were you just gonna let him fucking get away with it?
Tony: I told you that's my business not yours! And what did you do? Nothing! Zero a big fucking jerk-off!
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: FUCK YOU!
Tony: I oughta break your fucking neck!
[Tony grabs him forcingly and lets a sobbing A.J. go]
Tony: Stop cryin'! Stop cryin'!
[pause for a moment]
Tony: I guess your heart was in the right place A.J. But it's wrong. Come on!
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: What?
Tony: It's not in your nature!
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: You don't know me! Alright! You don't know anything about me!
Tony: You're a nice guy! And I'm greatful for that!
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Well you're a fucking hypocrite! Because everytime we watch "Godfather". When Michael Corleone shoots those guys at the restaurant, those assholes who tried to kill his dad. You sit there with your fucking bowl of ice cream and say it's your favorite scene of all time!

Tony: [while having Chinese food for dinner after the FBI searched their home earlier in the day] I know the Feds are doing their job but it pisses me off the way they act
Carmela: that one guy Harris wasn't so bad
Tony: trust me, he was the biggest snake out of all of them: it's all part of his little act and that guy who broke the bowl, he did it on purpose
Carmela: Oh, I don't think so, he was just a klutz
Tony: What was his last name, Grizzo, Grasso, what?
Carmela: [reminding him] Grasso
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Why?
Tony: Why? Because he has a vowel at the end of his last name, Grasso, that's why. I mean what's he think? His gonna make it to the top by arresting his own people?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: [to his mother] Pass the Moo shu
Tony: he'll see, he'll learn
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: We have a vowel
Tony: [attempting not to curse at the dinner table] F-in right and you be proud of it. Jesus Christ, you think there never was a Michelangelo, the way they treat people
Carmela: [to AJ] Did you know an Italian invented the telephone?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Alexander Graham Bell was Italian?
Tony: [to Carmela] you, see? see what I'm takin about?
Tony: [raises his voice to AJ, irritated] Antonio Meucci invented it and he got robbed: everybody knows that!
Meadow: Who invented the mafia?
Tony: [caught off guard by her question] What?
Meadow: The Cosa Nostra, who invented that?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Who cares?
Meadow: Wasn't it Salvatore Lucania, better known as Charles Lucky Luciano, who organized the Five Families: Lucchese, Gambino, Bonanno, Profaci
Tony: [becoming irritated] is there something you wanna say to me?
Meadow: I just like history like you, dad
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Can you just shut the fuck up about it?
Carmela: [chastising him for cursing] Hey!
Tony: [chastising him for cursing] Hey!
Carmela: AJ, did you know John Cabot was Italian?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: No
Meadow: [to her mother, referring to AJ] Like he knows who that is?
Carmela: Famous discoverer of Canada
Tony: The Bank of America, ever heard of it? One of the biggest banks in the world, started by an Italian
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: The first American Saint was Italian, Mother Cabrini
Carmela: That's right
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Is it true that the Chinese invented spaghetti?
Tony: Now think about it, why would people who eat with sticks invent something you need a fork to eat with? And here's something else I bet you didn't know: more Italians fought for this country in World War Two than any other ethnic group, and they wouldn't tell you about Sacco and Vanzetti either
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: The two anti-Christ that got the electric chair in Massachusetts?
Meadow: [correcting him] Anarchists
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: [to his mother] Isn't anti-Christ?
Carmela: They were two innocent men who got the chair because they were Italian
Meadow: [to AJ] How could there be two anti-Christ? There was only one Christ

Walden: [Paulie walks into the main room in Satriale's and sees the cat staring at the photo of Christopher] yeah, he does that all the time, sometimes he spends most of the day just staring at his picture you know their funny that way, I had an aunt her cat would only sit at exact corners of the table staring out or the intersection of two walls staring in
Paulie: The fuck? This animal is history today, pick him up
Walden: You pick him up
Paulie: [Tony enters the room] T, you see this shit?
[Referring to the cat]
Paulie: he says he does it all time
Tony: [Referring to the cat] Oh yeah? Leave him, his a good guy
Paulie: Look at him staring at that dead kid, it gives me the fucking creeps
Tony: [to Walden] give us some privacy
Paulie: [to Walden] what the fuck kind of name is that for an Italian?
Walden: I was named after Mr. Bobby Darin, Walden Robert Cassotto
[Walden picks up the cat and leaves]
Tony: The Cifaretto crew, it's like a Chinese fire drill over there, especially now Carlo's absent
Paulie: I know
Tony: I want you to skipper that thing
Paulie: Really?
Tony: Fucking thing is like one big ATM machine, it's all in construction with New York, it falls right into your kick
Paulie: Yeah
Tony: Jesus Christ I thought you'd be pleased I didn't just hand you a diagnosis of the clap
Paulie: With all due respect I'd just like to mellow it a little

Tony: [Beating and strangling Ralph over Pie-O-My's death] She was a beautiful innocent creature, what'd she ever do to you? You fuckin' killed her! You killed her, you fuckin' killed her!

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So, Finn, you got any plans for the summer? Going back to Mission Viejo to surf or whatever?
Finn: Actually, I'm hoping to stay here in the city
Meadow: [to AJ] How's summer school going?
A.J. Soprano: Sucks
Finn: I did summer school once: you can still have fun
Meadow: [to Finn] At casa de Carmela, his looking at a maximum security summer
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Meadow, after Finn leaves for the restroom] Why don't you cut your mother a break? For the record, she's the one holding this family through this current situation and all
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to the waiter] Can we get the check, please?
Waiter: [referring to Finn] The young man took care of it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Finn when he returns] You paid the check?
Finn: I figured since your always so generous, I thought I'd reciprocate
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You're lucky you don't get your head handed to you
Meadow: Dad...
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Let's get something straight: you eat, I pay
Finn: Mr. Soprano...
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No, when you have your own family, you pay
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to AJ After putting money on the table] Let's go
Meadow: [to Finn] Just take the money

Christopher: [Referring to throwing little Paulie out a window] I did a stupid thing Tone, I won't deny it
Tony: Stupid? I just hung up with Paulie, his nephew's got six broken vertebrates
Christopher: I know that and I'm sorry but this is the second fuckin time Paulie flouted his authority to my face. This shit with the tools, I know he set up the deal with the Cubans but this my father-in-law we're talking about: my family
Tony: In any case this bullshit could've been handled with a conversation
Christopher: I came to the Bing remember? I tried to talk to you about it
Tony: And I told you to wait and you left to go God knows where. I've got to be honest because this goes directly to what we've talked about more than once. If you were around more you'd have your finger on pulse problems like these would've squashed in the womb
Christopher: Whether I'm around has nothing to do with it. He needed the tools? He could've left me a message
Tony: [Sarcastically] we're supposed to leave phone messages about interstate hijackings now? How about faxes? Emails? Make it even easier for the cops. This is a face to face business, Christopher and yeah I'm going to talk to Paulie because believe me there's a few things he needs to hear. But in the mean time you figure out how much he owes for the tools and we'll deduct that against with what your going to owe for little Little Paulie's hospital bills

Carmela: Two weeks ago? Why didn't you say anything? Did you report it at least?
Meadow: Who? The rent-a-cops? Campus security is a joke
Carmela: Don't you think they should know they have a thief "preying" on the school?
Tony: [after entering the kitchen] Who? What're you talking about?
Meadow: [avoiding to involve him in their conversation] Nothing
Carmela: Her bike was stolen outside the library two weeks ago
Tony: The ten-speed? Did you lock it up?
Meadow: They used bolt cutters
Carmela: Some black guy from the neighborhood: one of the other kids saw him
Meadow: [irritated, noticing Tony smiling] What?
Tony: Did I say anything?
Tony: [while pouring himself a cup of orange juice, sarcastically] A black guy, imagine that
Carmela: [implying to him not to start an argument with Meadow after the incident between Tony and Meadow's African American boyfriend] Tony...
Tony: [sarcastically] You know, I can't believe it
Meadow: I'm not listening to this shit
Tony: Why don't you just admit it? You're thinking exactly what I'm thinking
Carmela: Tony, what did I say?
Tony: What is it my fault, you're twice as likely to get robbed by a black?
Meadow: [angrily] That is so fucking racist
Tony: It happens to be a fact
Meadow: [referring to the former Grand Wizard of the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan] Or who? David Duke?
Tony: No, try the FBI, I saw it on TV
Meadow: Oh, so now you're quoting the FBI?
Tony: I'm just telling you what I heard
Carmela: Tony, stop, now
Tony: Why?
Meadow: For your information, crime is an economic issue: not a racial one. White or African American, you're more likely to steal if you're in a lower income bracket which most African Americans are
Tony: Good, then next time, you'll feel better when the next one takes your car stereo
Meadow: [raises her voice] You are such a hypocrite
Tony: [raises his voice] This is what I've been trying to tell you all along: stay with your own people

Paulie: [talking privately on two tables in out front of Satriale's] Tone, I never told this to another livin' soul but...
Tony: Yeah?
Paulie: One time at the Bing, I was alone to meet Eddie Lind. I saw the Virgin Mary.
Tony: Why didn't you say somethin'? Fuck strippers, we coulda had a shrine. Sold holy water in gallon jugs. Coulda made millions.

Donna: [in the living room of the Soprano home] A man took his horse to a vet and the vet says to him, "Why do you have a long face?"
Patsy: The horse asks, there's no vet.
Donna: Right, a horse goes to a vet and the vet looks at his face and says to him, "My friend."
Patsy: A horse goes to the doctor, the doctor asks, "Why the long face?" She can't tell jokes
Tony: Speaking of jokers, where's that other son of yours today?
Donna: I didn't think he was invited.
Carmela: I just think with all the wedding talk.
Tony: That pal of his, the other Jason I heard he ran into some trouble, Carlo's Jason.
Donna: He's a mess.
Patsy: Alright.
Tony: Well, he's got no shortage of lawyers here, only this one here would only take the case for free.
[referring to Meadow]
Patrick: That's why we want her there at Groupman, Groupman and Kerseyo, actually Med and I had some conversations and we may still snag her at the firm when she's done with law school.
Carmela: No kidding?
Meadow: We went out to dinner Steven Groupman and the subject came up.
Patrick: Steven was very impressed with her work at the Law Center, even got into starting salaries, he was talking one seventy.
Tony: Jesus, sweetheart that's fantastic.
Meadow: He hadn't had too much to drink.
Patrick: Don't devalue yourself, we've got a really interesting case right now we're defending James Trofolio the County Commissioner and those corruption charges.
Donna: [to Patrick] is that your case?
Patrick: He's got bag men, whores it's fascinating.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Silvio] All due respect, you got no fuckin' idea what it's like to be Number One. Every decision you make affects every facet of every other fuckin' thing. It's too much to deal with almost. And in the end you're completely alone with it all.

Tony: What do you get when you cross an accountant with a giant jet airplane? -- A Boring 747.

Paulie: [while entering the back office of the Bada Bing strip club] I'll tell you one thing: If it was me this kid was spreading rumors about, he'd have something up his own ass. And it wouldn't be no cock either.
Carlo: That's the point though. This guy Sal, I know him. He's a friend of ours.
Christopher: I fuckin' called it, long time ago.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Referring to the Italian slang term for homosexuals] You knew Vito was "ricuin"?
Christopher: Yes.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: When?
Christopher: I never said it, but I knew.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Get the fuck out, huh? And enough of this "rush to judgment", for all we know this fuckin' Sal guy's got a hard on for Vito.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Christopher after he starts laughing] Oh, you think this is funny? There's a man's reputation at stake here!
Paulie: Married man, with kids.
Carlo: That don't mean shit. Elton John was married.
Silvio: Yeah. Rock Hudson too, I think.
Christopher: So, what'd we got to do? Actually see him take it in the ass?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Patsy] Get Vito on the phone.
Silvio: You know he called me the other night? Three o'clock in the morning after the wedding.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: And?
Silvio: Honestly, it was weird. He wanted to know what was going on.
Christopher: He was fuckin' fishing, see if we heard.
Patsy: [to Tony, after calling Vito's cell phone] Straight to voicemail.
Silvio: Tone, I mean, he represents us.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm not going to condemn the man off the word from some fuckin' douche bag from Yonkers.
Patsy: I could care less basically.
Paulie: Yeah? Maybe *you're* a "flambé"?
Carlo: Fuckin nauseating. If it was up to me I'd drag Vito behind my fuckin' car right now.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh, will you take it easy over there, fuckin' Judge Roy Bean?
Christopher: One of my bar girls knows his goomah. Check with her maybe, she's seen him or knows where he is. Lauren.
Carlo: Think about it though, Tone. Sudden weight loss...
Paulie: [Shocked] AIDS?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Nobody's got AIDS! I don't want to hear that word in here again!

Sushi: [while in a Japanese restaurant, gesturing to each piece of sushi after serving it to them] Spicy shrimp handroll: that's Nori's favorite. Special eel tail, and oysters, you tell me when you want to stop
Tony: keep it coming
Carmela: I don't know about you, but ever since we found this place, I catch myself fantasying about this
Tony: [jokingly] Me too, sometimes during sex
Carmela: So, I had a nightmare the other night, did I wake you up?
Tony: No
Carmela: [referring to Adriana La Cerva who supposedly ran away] Ade was in the house, my spec house
Tony: What, was she gonna buy it?
Carmela: We were just talking. Speaking of which, did you call that guy? The inspector at the building department?
Tony: I will, I promise
Carmela: His coming on Friday, it could the last chance I get a reversal on the stop work order
Tony: Alright, I'll call
Carmela: I wonder where she is?
Carmela: [when he doesn't respond] Ade
Tony: I told you: she probably met some guy
Carmela: Not call anyone for over a year?
Tony: [when eating a piece] What's this? There's sauce on the shrimp
Carmela: [after the waitress serves them another platter of sushi] So, I was over by Ginny's, that situation is not going so well, Johnny couped up, awaiting trial. Plus, now their fighting asset seizure, they could lose everything, the house, the condo by the shore
Tony: You know Jimmy Petrille? The rat that gave up John? He was like an uncle to him, why do you think I toss at night? It ain't just the apnea
Carmela: I noticed you haven't been taking your antidepressants
Tony: [jokingly] And yet the bonefish are back in season: we should count our blessings, the kind of season I just had
Carmela: Your right, we're very lucky
Tony: forty dollars for a piece of fish they flew in first class. I think we're more than lucky?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Meeting privately, referring to him going on a diet] I think it's time you started seriously considering salads
Bobby: [confused] What'd you mean?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [while Bobby leans on Tony's SUV] what do I mean? I mean get off my car before you flip it over you fat fuck
Bobby: [after handing Tony an envelope of cash, referring to staging a riot at the construction site] Junior wants to know when?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Tomorrow morning: we're short a couple of guys so make sure your there
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Before driving away] consider it exercise
Bobby: Fat fuck, why don't you look in the mirror sometime, you insensitive cocksucker?

Angie: [over the phone] we did all the repairs you said on Phil's car: he came over today and now he found a dent in the rear, the seat there's a problem with that
Tony: seat?
Angie: I didn't wanna get into these "extras" without checking with you
Angie: you wanna run a body shop? You run a bodyshop. You say you claim a "piece" of the garage, so you wanna be a woman in business, then do what the situation calls for
Angie: I just wanna put my kids through college
Tony: [referring to her husband supposedly leaving her and entering the witness protection program] that's a good thing. You know, some women left alone like that would've given up
Angie: before I outlay for these costs, I need to know...
Tony: [interrupts her, before hanging up] I'm not there, what'd I know? It's your call

Tony: You alright?
Christopher: [while watching the movie Three Amigos!] Some funny shit.
Tony: The fuck is wrong is with you?
Christopher: I snorted a little H, I know but I can't stand the pain. I loved her.
Tony: [Punches him then kicks him when his lying on the ground and shouting] You think you're alone in this?

Tony: [on the back patio in her new mansion] You want a pastry?
Janice: I need to watch my weight, snag another husband, you're the only one that realizes that's a joke, that joke you made about me giving guys head under the boardwalk
Tony: He took it so seriously, Bobby
Janice: Anyway thank you for being here
Tony: What happens now?
Janice: Well, Robert already said he wants to go live with aunt
Tony: What about Sophia?
Janice: Nica is my daughter she's very much into her older sister, Sophia's out of her mind if she thinks she's getting out of this house
Tony: Is that a joke? Because that even got by me, in five or six years ago when Johnny Sack bought this house this was all corn fields
Janice: I'd like to give it a shot with Bobby's kids, Bobby would want it, I put in a lot of effort with Sophia, baking together, I actually think we have a bond, I had therapy, I'm a good mother I put Ma and all her warped shit behind me
Tony: Good, maybe you can a form a new nuclear family, bring Harpo down here, it's a big place
Janice: Harpo changed his name, I's Hal now
Tony: If you need anything you know I'm minutes away
[Tony stands up and leaves]

Meadow: [surprised to see him at the club Crazy Horse] What're you doing here?
Tony: I got an office here: you come down with Finn?
Meadow: And some people
Tony: Promise me, no drinking and driving
Meadow: Who's your designated driver?
Tony: I'm not the one with all the dents in their car
Tony: [kisses her] Alright, have fun, huh? Need some money?
Tony: [before she goes into the restroom] Have a good time sweetheart, be careful

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: He's a come-from-behind kind of guy.

Richie: [Referring to David Scatino, while they walk outside the motel to talk privately] I shut him the fuck down, he comes here and sticks it up my ass?
Tony: What's that got to do with you disrespecting my game?
Richie: Like you wouldn't do anything different
Tony: Your fuckin right
Richie: You know I'm getting sick of this "holier than now" act and I'm not the only one
Tony: Oh really? Well, if anybody wants to make a move
Richie: don't get so fuckin dramatic all, I'm saying is sometimes you act like your in a different business, now send that little prick out so I can talk to him
Tony: No
Richie: [Referring to the amount of money David owes Richie] you realize this mother-less fuck is into me for over eight large? His got money to play here? Let him me pay me my money. Send him out
Tony: You go home Richie, this isn't going to happen to one of my players

Tony: [Seeing AJ jogging on the road on the side of a small mountain while driving his SUV] Get in, that's good activity, you can already see a difference
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Yeah
Tony: I'm going to get back at it myself
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: I'm going to join the army
Tony: What? Did you sign any shit?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: No, but this week I will I've got to deal with Rhiannon first
Tony: Rhiannon? What about your mother?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Her too
Tony: Are you nuts? You want to get sent to Iraq?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Afghanistan, the army's probably good for my career
Tony: You don't have a career
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Right, my ultimate goal is to qualify for helicopter pilot training afterwards work for Trump or somebody, be their personal pilot
Tony: I'm not even going to tell your mother about this, and don't you do nothing until we've another chance to talk you hear me?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Yes

Barbara: [over the phone after Tony tells her their mother passed away] I just can't believe this
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What're you gonna do?
Barbara: I'll call Janice
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'll meet you at Cozzarelli's around noon, I already called her
Barbara: Mommy didn't want any kind of service, no remembrance at all?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So, we'll pick out a... simple urn or whatever
Barbara: [before hanging up] I'll see you there

Janice: Have you seen what she did?
Tony: Who?
Janice: Meadow: that house is fucked
Tony: I thought you didn't swear?
Carmela: [Entering the room] what are you talking about?
Janice: I am outraged. No, I am beyond outraged, talk about disgrace, disrespect for other people's property. That place looks like a shooting gallery, it smells of urine, there's puke all over the beautiful hardwood floors...
Tony: [Interrupts her, sarcastically] sounds like your apartment in Venice
Carmela: Don't worry about it: she's been punished
Janice: [Sarcastically] oh my God, three weeks without a credit card, that's some heavy shit there
Janice: You know if that was my child...
Tony: [Angrily interrupts her, slaps his bowl of cereal on the floor] you know what? Fuck this, you got a lot of fuckin balls, you know that?
Janice: Don't talk to me like that
Tony: No, let's "clear the air" here. You ride into town like the "mission come lately", trying to play the "concerned daughter" who the fuck are you kidding? Your just here to pick the friggin bones
Janice: [Sternly] there's a lot I could say that I'm not gonna say
Tony: [Before walking away, referring to her demeanor] a lot of balls
Janice: Temper tantrums: he hasn't changed one iota since we lived in Newark, not one iota
Carmela: You are passing judgment on him: on us as parents. I told you once already, how we discipline our children is none of anybody's business
Janice: You let that girl ride rough shot over you, some day your gonna regret it
Carmela: Mother of God, are all of you Sopranos the same? I asked you nicely to stay out of it, you pretend you don't hear me, well maybe you'll hear this? Mind your fucking business, keep your mouth shut when it comes to my kids alright?
Janice: [Feeling guilty] maybe I've stayed here too long?

Paulie: [talking privately on two tables in out front of Satriale's, turning down Tony's offer of a promotion] with all due respect and I mean that from the bottom of my heart I'm going to pass
Tony: I don't fucking believe this, why?
Paulie: Every guy that ran that crew died prematurely
Tony: Oh come on
Paulie: I beat cancer once you got no idea what that does to you
Tony: Yeah I know
Paulie: Richie Aprile, Ralphie, M.I.A, Vito and who knows with Carlo and Gigi
Tony: Gigi died taking a shit
Paulie: Doesn't mean it's not part of an overall pattern
Tony: You're going to die yourself you should leave a "package" to leave your niece who has MS, it's like your bullshit with the cat the fucking animal catches mice for us and you'd drown it
Paulie: I would
Tony: His not looking at Christopher a rat died back in the wall or some shit
Paulie: I moved the picture, the fucking thing came to the new spot and stared
Tony: The abstract shapes or something, I'll tell you this, since Christopher's death my gambling luck's turned a one eighty
Paulie: Oh, it's fine for you to believe that shit but I can't worry about a jinx? I tell you something from my heart and you laugh it off?
Tony: I'm not saying there's nothing out there for you but not live your life? What are you going to do? Alright you don't want the job? Then you don't want the job I could put Patsy in there his going to be a part of my family now, it'll be good
Paulie: Prick, you always know what to say to me don't you?
Tony: I'm serious
Paulie: I live but to serve you my liege

A.J. Soprano: [sarcastically, after realizing Tony mistakenly ate his cereal] great
Tony: Hey, I thought you liked the other one, the Corn Pops: here take it
A.J. Soprano: [when looking in the refrigerator] No juice either?
Tony: I told you write it down and I'll have the girl pick up whatever you want.
A.J. Soprano: She doesn't know the difference between Fruit Roll-ups and Pop-Tarts
Tony: I know, everybody's an idiot to you
Tony: [sarcastically] You know there's these places called supermarkets where you go buy the "things" that you like, I'll reimburse you
A.J. Soprano: When am I supposed to do that?
Tony: As far as I can tell you spend most of the time on the phone or sitting on the couch perfecting that pissy look on your face
A.J. Soprano: Add coming home drunk sounds like you.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm gonna go back in there and be with my guests. Exactly ten minutes, I'm gonna look up, if you're not here i'm gonna assume that you went to look for whatever the fuck it is that's calling you out there. And then I will never see you again. If you are still here, then I'm gonna assume that you have no other desire in the world than to be with me. And your actions will show me that every second of every fucking day. You understand me? Don't answer me. Take the ten minutes, you think about it.

Paulie: Mingia, T. I'm sorry. Your own uncle.
Tony: Let's do it right. Act normal. Plan things out. Make no mistakes.
Paulie: If I'm your uncle, I got to finish what I started. He could strike first.
Christopher: And, this time, he won't use Boyz II Men.

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: You have such a low opinion of people?
Tony: Let me tell you somethin', A.J. I don't care how close you are, in the end your friends are gonna let you down. Family: they're the only ones you can depend on.

Feech: In my day...
Tony: [gradually raising his voice] That's another thing. I don't want to hear anymore how it was in your day. From now on, keep your antidotes to local color, like Dinoflow or Maguire sisters. Otherwise, SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Feech: [feeling guilty, remains silent]
Tony: Jesus Christ, I'm trying to ease your transition and this is the thanks I get?
Feech: I'm sorry I'm offended you. I'll learn
Tony: yeah?
Feech: yeah

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [during their first therapy session before recalling the events and people in his life that led to his medical condition] my understanding from Dr. Cusamano, your family physician is that collapsed, possibly a panic attack? You were unable to breathe?
Tony: [correcting her] "they" said it was a panic attack because all of the blood work and all the neurological work came back negative. "They" sent me here
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: you don't agree that you had a panic attack?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [after he exhales] how are you feeling now?
Tony: good, fine, back at work
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: what line of work are you in?
Tony: [nods] waste management consultant
Tony: [when she doesn't respond] look, it's impossible for me to talk to a psychiatrist
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: any thoughts at all on why you "blacked out"?
Tony: I don't know, stress, maybe?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: about what?
Tony: I don't know, the morning of the day I got sick, I've been thinking it's good getting to be in something from the "ground floor" I came too late for that, I know but lately, I'm getting the feeling that I came in at the end: the best is over
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: many Americans I think feel that way
Tony: I think about my father, he never reached the heights like me but in a lot of ways, he had it better. He had his "people" they had their "standards", they had pride. Today, what'd do we got?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: did you have these feelings of loss more acutely in the hours before you collapsed?
Tony: I don't know, couple months before all this, I see these two wild ducks land on my pool: it was amazing, they're from Canada or some place, maybe it's matting season? They had some ducklings. My daughter's friend was there to drive my daughter Meadow to school. Now, my wife feels this friend is a bad influence. This isn't going to work, I can't talk about my personal life
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: finish telling me about the day you collapsed
Tony: I drove to work with my nephew Christopher, his learning the business: he's an example of what I was talking about before. Bear in mind, this is kid who just himself a sixty-thousand-dollar Lexus. We saw this guy, and there was this issue of an outstanding loan
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: can I stop you for a second? I don't know where this story is going but there are a few ethical ground rules we should quickly get out of the way
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [after he nods] what you tell me here falls under "doctor-patient confidentiality", except I was to hear let's say a murder was to take place, not that I'm saying it would but "if." If the patient comes to me and tells me a story where someone is going to get hurt, I'm supposed to go to the authorities... technically
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [when he doesn't respond] you said you were in "Waste Management"
Tony: [nods] the environment
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Dr. Cusamano, besides being your family physician, is also your next-door neighbor, see what I'm saying? I don't know what happened with this fella... I'm just saying
Tony: [shakes his head] nothing we had coffee
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [amused] so, you had coffee, go on
Tony: next day, at a breakfast meeting, I was called in by a garbage hauling company I represent, this situation came up that involves my uncle, I can't go into details on this one
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: that's fine
Tony: but I will say this: my uncles to my general stress level. Uncle Junior's my father's brother, good guy, just... getting old, cranky, he used to take me to Yankee games when I was a kid, I love my uncle. At the same time, when I was young, he told my girl cousins I would never be a varsity athlete and frankly, that was a tremendous blow to my self-esteem. And that night was my son's birthday party, my wife invites the priest: his always at the house
Tony: [referring to when he collapsed and lost consciousness] at first, it felt like Ginger Ale on my skull, Dr. Cusamano put me in the hospital: gave me every kind of test
Tony: my nephew was handling the garbage contract problem, but on this I will also not go into detail. Doctors kept "hanging" me about the tests, as doctors will do, so my uncle and I played a round of golf and had lunch
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: you keep mentioning your uncle, what seems to be the problem? Can we focus more on your immediate family?
Tony: my wife and my daughter were not getting along but this shit I'm telling you, it'll all "blow over"
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: didn't you admit to Dr. Cusamano that you were feeling depressed?
Tony: [after noticing diploma on the wall, changing the subject] "Melfi", what part of the boot you from, hon?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [referring to how she prefers to be addressed] "Dr." Melfi, my father's people were from Caserta
Tony: [referring to where his relatives are from] Avellino. My mother would have loved it if you and I got together
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [returning to the subject] anxiety attacks are legitimate psychiatric emergencies, suppose you were driving and you passed out...
Tony: [irritated, interrupts her] let me tell ya something. Nowadays, everybody's gotta go to shrinks, and counselors, and go on "Sally Jessy Raphael" and talk about their problems. What ever happened to Gary Cooper? The strong, silent type. That was an American. He wasn't in touch with his feelings. He just did what he had to do. See, what they didn't know was once they got Gary Cooper in touch with his feelings that they wouldn't be able to shut him up! And then it's dysfunction this, and dysfunction that, and dysfunction vaffancul!
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [becoming nervous] you have strong feelings about this
Tony: let me tell ya something, I have a semester and a half of college so I understand Freud, I understand "therapy" as a "concept" but in my world, it does not go down, could I be happier? Yeah, who couldn't?

Jackie Aprile Jr.: [crying over the telephone] Tony, please. I'm sorry. Please don't hang up. For my dad, if not for me.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well, he's been dead two years. As a matter of fact, the expiration date was last week, and on all your bullshit with that.

Corrado: I always thought you could make the pros. You could have done it. You had a swing like Joe D.
Tony: You're crazy.
Corrado: What? You think I'm fucking you?
Tony: Yeah, I could barely hit .250.
Corrado: That's because you didn't want it. Too busy chasing skirt. Chasing skirt, your average was .500.

Meadow: Are you in the Mafia?
Tony: Am I in the what?
Meadow: Whatever you want to call it. Organized crime.
Tony: That's total crap, who told you that?
Meadow: Dad, I've lived in the house all my life. I've seen the police come with warrants. I've seen you going out at three in the morning.
Tony: So you never seen Doc Cusamano going out at three in the morning on a call?
Meadow: Did the Cusamano kids ever find $50,000 in krugerrandts and a .45 automatic while they were hunting for Easter eggs?
Tony: I'm in the waste management business. Everybody immediately assumes you're mobbed up. It's a stereotype. And it's offensive. And you're the last person I would want to perpetuate it... There is no Mafia.
Meadow: Fine.
Tony: Alright look, Mead, you're a grown woman, almost. Some of my money comes from illegal gambling and whatnot. How does that make you feel?
Meadow: At least you don't keep denying it, like Mom. Kids in school think it's actually kinda neat.
Tony: They seen "The Godfather", right?
Meadow: Not really. "Casino" we like, Sharon Stone, the 70's clothes, pills...
Tony: I'm not asking about those bums. I'm asking about you.
Meadow: Sometimes I wish you were like other dads. But then, like... Mr. Scangarelo for example? An advertising executive for big tobacco. Or lawyers? So many dads are full of shit.
Tony: Oh, and I'm not.
Meadow: You finally told the truth about this.
Tony: Look, Mead, part of my income comes from legitimate businesses, stock market...
Meadow: Look, Dad, please, okay? Don't start mealy-mouthing.

Christopher: [rushes into the back office of the Bada Bing strip club] Listen, I gotta talk to you
Tony: Now?
Christopher: It can't wait, this fuckin Paulie
Bobby: What happened?
Christopher: [ignores Bobby, to Tony] He sent his idiot nephew and Jason Molinaro to my father in law's store: they boosted a palate of power saws
Tony: They did?
Christopher: Yeah, not exactly, Al caught them while they were there
Tony: So, they did or did not take the saws?
Christopher: They did, under a false pretense
Tony: [irritated] And this what you couldn't wait to talk to me about?
Christopher: They broke into the guy's store!
Tony: [referring to him, Sil, and Bobby] Yeah, I hear ya, I get it but we're in the middle of talking about an ongoing potentially multimillion dollar proposition here
Christopher: It ain't the money
Tony: [surprised, sarcastically] Oh really? Well, I'm glad you feel that way
Tony: [to Sil and Bobby] Palate of drills, you believe this shit?
Tony: [to Christopher] Go have a Lime Rickey or whatever the fuck it is your drinking these days, and we'll be done in a few minutes
Christopher: Forget it, alright? I got other shit to do

Livia: [at the dinner table talking about AJ's behavior] Oh, his father was the same way. I practically LIVED in that vice principal's office.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Could we not, please?
Livia: Well, you only remember what you want to remember. Yeah, well, I must have had another son who stole a car when he was ten years old.
[pause]
Livia: Yeah, he could barely see over the steering wheel.

Tony: You know we're the only country in the world where the pursuit of happiness is guaranteed in writing? You believe that? Bunch of fucking spoiled brats. Where's my happiness then?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It's the pursuit that's guaranteed.
Tony: Yeah. Always a fucking loophole, right?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Alright so I used to cheat. I'm not getting "spayed", end of subject
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You brought up the vasectomy and now you don't want to talk about it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You asked me what was going on
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I saw on the news about a gangland shooting
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Is that your nephew Christopher? That you've spoken of before? In the papers said his going to be critical condition
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: His going to be fine
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Have they found the person that shot him yet?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No, have you?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I'm not trying to pry into that part of your life, I know our "deal" but I've heard you say before you love this young man
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Christopher was clinically dead for about a minute. He thinks he had one of those near death "experiences." He says he visited hell and "they" told him he'd be back permanent
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Who's "they"?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Its bullshit, it was a dream combined with the morphine and now he thinks his going to hell when he dies and his all fucked up over it
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you think he'll go to hell?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No, his not the type that deserves hell
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Who do you think does?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: The worst people: the twisted and demented psychos who kill people for pleasure, the cannibals, the degenerate bastards that molest and torture little kids, kill babies, the Hitler's, the Pol Pots. Those are the fucks that deserve to die: not my nephew
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What about you?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What? Hell? You've been listening to me? No, for the same reasons. We're soldiers; soldiers don't go to hell. Its war, soldiers kill other soldiers. We're in a "situation" where everybody involved knows the "stakes" and if you're going to accept those "stakes", you've got to do certain "things." It's business, we're soldiers. We follow codes: orders

Tony: [Referring to her blouse] is that new? Looks good
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Did you bring your log?
Tony: My log?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You remember last week, you were going to keep a record. I asked you to write any feelings of anxiety or memories of past anxiety attacks
Tony: [Remembering what they discussed at their previous session] yeah, my parents, the pork store, it was interesting
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Have you thought at all about that?
Tony: How do people find the time?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: To get well
Tony: My mother's dead, I haven't had a panic attack since
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You've gone months without them before, the conflicts that caused them and your depression are buried deep inside you. Are you happy?
Tony: Am I happy? Look, I'm sorry I didn't bring the list. I'll bring it next week
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [sighs] we ought to think about bringing your wife into this
Tony: In here? Carmela?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You're the one who wanted to take a more proactive approach
Tony: [Disagreeing with her suggestion] that's not in the future
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Let's talk frankly. You've demanded more of me. Fine but you're not trying
Tony: Yeah I know, the past, but shit happens in my daily life that needs attention now. I got some genuine concerns, like my son, he shies away from anything that requires effort and I think that he picks that up from me. I mean his in football now right? But Carmela is guilty about this as I am.

Bob: [while visiting Tony with Aaron] you're having surgery tomorrow, you know they've done clinical studies on the power of prayer? Praying for patients have an eleven percent fewer complications
Carmela: I have read that: it does help to pray, even if it just helps take your mind off of it
Bob: [leading them in a prayer] Dear Jesus, hear these words, bestow your healing, loving grace, upon our injured friend, Lord help heal his wounds, and help him with your cleansing love, pursue the bounds, grace his bounds even more... Amen
Tony: [crosses himself] Amen
Carmela: [crosses herself] Amen
Aaron: [crosses himself] Amen
Tony: So, reverend, Lemme ask you about this guy not selling birth control?
Bob: He should be free to exercise his moral convictions without... suffering loss of livelihood
Tony: [confused] Here's what I'm getting at, I'm worried about Viagra: the way I see it, I'm gonna need plenty of that, considering my condition, and... what if somebody decides that Viagra is wrong? God don't like it
Bob: Well, God loves procreation: no one's saying anything against Viagra. Birth control and the morning-after pill is a sin because it strikes at life: at the unborn
Tony: Yeah, but what if somebody goes after Viagra? I'm not talking about procreation
Tony: [points to Carmela] listen up because this concerns you too
Bob: Something like Viagra will never be an issue
Tony: Excuse me but at one time, they were going after booze and as a proprietor of a drinking and eating establishment, I take this stuff very seriously
Bob: Strip club, I believe it is
Tony: Oh, you've been to The Bing?
Bob: [shakes his head] No
Carmela: [referring to Tony] He should rest, thank you so much for coming and Aaron thank you so much for your prayer

Adriana: [Over the phone] Hello?
Tony: Yeah, it's me. Look everything's ok. Jesus I don't even know how to say this. It's Christopher, he tried to commit suicide.
Adriana: Oh my God, is he alright?
Tony: His fine. He was up by Ramapo, apparently took some pills and this trooper found him in a bathroom of this diner and brought him to the hospital. His mom's on her way up there now. Did he say anything to you? Did he "appear" suicidal?
Adriana: No.
Tony: Are you sure? Because his mom said he's very upset over something.
Adriana: [Remains silent]
Tony: Anyway, I'm on my way up there now and I'm going to send Sil by to pick you up then ok?
Adriana: Jesus Christ.
Tony: You know he's been drinking so he's probably fighting that heroin urge again, anyway Sil's on his way.
Adriana: Ok.

Hugh: [asking Carmela, upon arriving to the Soprano home with Mary to pay their respects to the passing of Tony's mother] how's Tony taking it?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [yelling from the other room, over the phone with his sister Barbara, referring to his sister Janice not attending the funeral for their mother] oh, what the fuck? God damn fuckin bitch!

Carmela: Tony, these kids need a father!
Tony: They got one, Tony Soprano!

Neil: [while playing golf] We lucked out with the weather huh? So, how's the life of leisure?
Tony: I'm playing golf ain't I?
Neil: But seriously, it's good your pulling back business-wise like we agreed
Tony: My nephew, I told him, I'm gonna be speaking through him and only through him as time passes
Neil: Good
Tony: And Sil
Neil: Good
Tony: I don't wanna celebrate my daughter's first kid in prison

Samantha: [while the realtor shows the inside of Tony's mother's house after it's been vandalized] I can't show it in this condition
Tony: What the hell is this?
Samantha: There's a high school up the street
Samantha: [Pointing to the stain on the wall caused by the water damage as Tony and Carmella look] a sink was left on upstairs: you don't even want to see the toilets
Samantha: [after her cell phone rings and walks away to answer it] oh, excuse me
Tony: [as he walks over to a broken window] wait until I catch the kids that did this: break a few windows, they think their Johnny badass. The fuckin jackals
Carmela: Will you stop, please? Your sister Barbara and the kids are coming down. You better not be in this mood, and I need you to pick up sausage
Tony: [Irritated] yeah, yeah, yeah, how many pounds? Hot or sweet?
Carmela: Don't you act like it's a chore: this party was your idea, you said you were happy Janice was home, and my parents are coming
Tony: [Referring to his mother, surprised] oh, really? What? Now that the dragon lady is gone they'll dwang to set foot in our house?
Carmela: She said some horrible things to them over the years
Tony: I'm not defending her, she's dead to me
Carmela: I'm telling you, you, mope your way through this, I'll cut your throat
Tony: What're you talking about mope? I've been in a great mood lately
Carmela: [doubting him] right, I think you need to start therapy again, you're self-medicating, we haven't had sex since...
Tony: [interrupts her] you forget it: no therapy
Samantha: [walks over to them after finishing her call, to Tony] you should really take a look at what they did to your mother's bedroom

Paulie: [while on the Asbury Park boardwalk] we gonna go see your boat?
Tony: [referring to Big Pussy Bonpensiero] no, I'm just... thinking about our former "friend"
Paulie: who?
Paulie: [surprised, after Tony gestures to the ocean] him? Not me: never
Tony: me and Jackie, met him down in 95, when he got back from Boca
Paulie: oh, yeah, that crazy shit with your uncle. Junior hijacked Jackie's truck, what about it?
Paulie: [referring to Pussy becoming an FBI informant] we should've seen it then: that's all
Tony: don't waste another second on that rat fuck. I'd kill him again if I could. Tommy Angeletti is doing a rebar at the Esplanade
Paulie: yeah?
Paulie: his into me for a hundred large on college basketball. Now Ralphie is holding up the contract for more money: his got the site shutdown on a strike, Angeletti can't work
Tony: [sternly] your fuckin book against millions that are gonna roll in from the Esplanade
Paulie: I figured you'd take a side but Ralphie shouldn't come across a couple no-show and electrician jobs? I shouldn't get something out of this Esplanade?
Tony: [after thinking it over] alright, I'll talk to him

Tony: [referring to his father's former mistress] So I talked to her for like an hour, turns out her and my old man had a "thing", right up until he died. He got from her what he couldn't get at home, support, love, a smile when you walk through the fuckin door
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you think that justifies his infidelity?
Tony: She drove him into that woman's arms, my mother, to all his women. I'll tell you one thing: all the years he was rotten in that grave, I can't remember once my mother visiting him but this lady Fran...
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [interrupts him] It's possible your mother found it very painful?
Tony: [sarcastically] Oh, poor her

Tony: [about Janice] She's lucky she isn't here or I'd be bouncing her fucking head against the wall!

Paulie: [after hearing Tony pounding on his front door] Who is it?
Tony: Open this door!
Tony: I want to talk to you. I hear you got some beefs. You want to phone everybody?
Tony: [while walking into Paulie's living room and seeing his painting of him and his racing horse he originally wanted to have discarded] what the fuck?
Paulie: I know you said you wanted the picture burnt T, but the picture moved me
Tony: That's because you knew it cost me a fuckin arm and a leg
Paulie: If it was in-quality work I'll admit that but I told the guys it was a chance of hanging a picture of you on my wall so I rescued it from the flames
Tony: What's with the hat and shit?
Paulie: Huh?
Tony: Don't give me "huh."You know what it does to me? To be reminded of that fuckin horse?
Paulie: I'm sorry T, but you don't come here no more, I didn't figure it'd be a problem
Tony: [Referring to the FBI] I don't come here no more because they're watching all our houses. It's no good for us to visit
Paulie: I know
Tony: What do you and your whores get a big laugh out of that?
Paulie: That's no joke T
Tony: Then what the fuck is it?
Paulie: That's no joke, it cost me a lot of money to get the re-touching done
Tony: Then what the fuck you do it for? Don't bullshit me Paulie
Paulie: Part of it was to fix some fire damage on the guy's feet but while I was at it, I also thought I don't have a modern look in here, so I'm going with something more traditional. Something that captures what your really all about
Tony: A God damn lawn jockey?
Paulie: That's not a lawn jockey, that's a general
Tony: What general? Who?
Paulie: That's not a real general from history

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know, sometimes what happens in here is like taking a shit.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Yes, okay. Although I prefer to think of it more like childbirth.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Trust me. It's like taking a shit.

Tony: [referring to his outburst during dinner] Fucking Phil, some display, huh?
Christopher: I paid a visit to Vito's comare, Jill, she hasn't heard from Vito
Christopher: [to Carlo after he walks up to them] We were just discussing La Cage Aux Fat
Carlo: [to Tony, after laughing at Christopher's joke] I was gonna get my cousin Tommy to call his detective friend. I've been hamstrung with that work stop at the office
Tony: [before shrugging] Vito shows up, he shows up, then we deal with him. If not...
Carlo: It's just a phone call, and seriously, Tommy says the guy can track somebody from the corner of shit
Tony: [jokingly] Yeah, I saw them do that on CSI
Christopher: [after Carlo leaves] Hey, I was glad to hear you say that on the search because I gotta take a little time off for some business in Cali: Little Carmine's lined up a meet for us
Tony: So, what is it? Business or time off?
Christopher: [referring to working for Tony] Time off from here but definitely business with Ben Kingsley

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So, you've come back for help: don't look at that as a defeat
Tony: [referring to his mother] She's part of that generation that grew up during the Depression but depression to her was a trip to Six Flags
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: There's that D word again
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [after he leans back and rubs his head] stay with your mother
Tony: Now that my father's dead, he's a saint
Tony: [before flicking his chin] When he was alive, nothin. My dad was tough: he ran his own crew, a guy like that and my mother wore him down to a little nub, he was a squeaking little gerbil when he died
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Quite a formable presence

Carmela: [Confronting Christopher at his intervention] I know you were high at my mother-in-law's wake.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: My mudda's wake!

Tony: [referring to Phil] His got us by the gats, I'll ya that
Christopher: Unless that guy at the Pensy landfill decides to play ball
Tony: That asshole's gonna shit in his pants if he gets pinched by the EPA
Tony: [irritated by Christopher] What's this make believe ballroom? How many times you gonna change the station?
Christopher: [while inserting the CD into the stereo] The Departed soundtrack: it's fuckin killer, you got it?
Tony: Yeah, it's good

[Joanne falls to her knees and cries]
Tony: Fuckin' James Brown now.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [while they lay in bed, after she turns on the light in the middle of the night] What's going on?
Carmela: [referring to the house they intend to buy on the Jersey Shore] It does seem like a good value, even at that price: waterfront property, in that area, we probably wouldn't hurt as an investment?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You're the one who took real estate classes, didn't you say that a person should look at a house as an investment?
Carmela: I know you, if you don't get the place, you'll sulk, and I'll be the wet blanket
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Sulk? I was sleeping
Carmela: If you want me to sign off, we probably wouldn't lose money but if you wanna go through with it, believe me, that's fine too
Carmela: [after she turns off the lights] If you did, Virginia Lupo's phone number is on the bureau, better to act quickly, you know more is lost by indecision rather than wrong decision is all I'm saying

Carmela: [after Tony slapped AJ causing him to run upstairs] The school guidance counselor said this might be a cry for help
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh, come on will ya?
Carmela: She recommended a school in New Brunswick: Bernwod Dei, it's for troubled kids. There's a psychologist right on staff
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No, no more fuckin schools that coddle him. His going to military school
Carmela: What?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: That's right I got some brochures
Carmela: You got school brochures?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah from Janice. She was going to send Harpo there but she didn't have the money and it was too fuckin late
Carmela: I'm not sending him away
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: We're looking at those brochures!

Meadow: They almost killed you for a stupid car.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I guess nobody told them about the kind of gas mileage that thing gets, huh mead?

Tony: Okay. I need to tell you something and I want you to hear it from me, not from some asshole on the street. About four, five months ago I started seeing a psychiatrist. I was passing out, and they couldn't find nothing. She's been helping me with that... Okay, c'mon, give it to me. Give it to my face. C'mon.
Silvio: Well, I'm sure you did it with complete discretion. And speaking for Pussy, if he's still alive, I'm sure he would agree.
Tony: Business was not discussed, no names were mentioned. Junior knows. He's decided to use it against me. Ask now. 'Cause we're not discussing this again.
Paulie: It's not the worst thing I ever heard. I was seeing a therapist myself about a year ago. I had some issues. Enough said. I learned some coping skills.
Silvio: Look, this thing of ours, the way it's going, it'd be better if we could admit to each other these painful, stressful times. But it'll never fucking happen.
Tony: What about you? You got a problem with this?
Christopher: It's like marriage counseling?
Tony: Yeah. Like that. Sort of, yeah.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Isn't it interesting how this memory loss cropped up right after you failed to be killed in the carjacking? You think it was a carjacking?
Tony: Of course not, but I got an idea who was behind it. Enough said. You don't want to go there.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Maybe you don't want to go there.
Tony: What are you talking about?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Well, let's track it. Right around the time of the shooting, you were having hallucinations of that Isabella figure. The protective, loving mother. Your subconscience was shouting something at you. On the day before the shooting, you said to me that she kept going on yet again about news stories of mothers throwing their babies out of windows.
Tony: Why don't we put our fuckin' cards on the table here. What do you think, my mother tried to have me whacked 'cuz I put her in a nursing home?

Tony: [referring to Hugh's accident] How's your father?
Carmela: much better: He'll be fine for the party, thank God
Tony: That's good, what party?
Carmela: Seventy fifth birthday, the surprise party we talked about last summer?
Tony: Oh, yeah, that's coming up?
Carmela: Yeah, next Saturday but actually, that's why I wanted to come by, I think it maybe it would be best... easier anyway for both of us if I went at it alone and not have you there?
Tony: Oh, yeah
Carmela: You know my father would love to have you there, you know? His crazy about your sausages and all the rest of it but I thought that's why it would put "us" and people in a "uncomfortable" situation?
Tony: I decided when I woke up that I wasn't coming
Carmela: Really? I'm so glad you understand: it was hard for me to come to this decision let alone tell you
Tony: [while taking money out] I'd like to contribute anyway
Carmela: No, mom and I are taking care of it
Tony: For Hugh's seventy fifth? I insist
Carmela: You know, I'd rather see you go back to your therapist
Tony: [angrily] I'd like to see you go see a therapist and I'm not the only one
Carmela: Oh, really? Well, you can tell them all that I can't afford it
Tony: Well, it's really not your "business" anymore whether I go or what

Tony: [during lunch, after noticing Patsy isn't eating] not hungry? Have some bragiole
Patsy: no, thanks, I got no appetite: today would've "our" birthday
Tony: [eventually realize who Patsy is referring to] "our" birthday? Oh, yeah..."Spoons"
Gigi: [to Patsy] hey, happy birthday: how old are you?
Patsy: fifty-one
Christopher: who was born first? You or "Spoons?"
Patsy: Philip was my kid brother... by eleven minutes
Tony: hey, it was a fuckin tragedy. What're you gonna do?
Gigi: it's the life we chose, am I right Pat?
Patsy: my brother was never a "heavy" guy with anybody. I mean he was a sweet gentle man
Furio: [before Patsy nods] your brother was your twin brother?
Tony: Philly, "friends" like us, called him "Spoons." Somebody "whacked" the kid couple months before you came home
Furio: so, your identical twins... or the other "kind?"
Patsy: identical
Tony: [before passing salad to him] have something to eat
Patsy: there's a twin "bond", unless you "experienced it", you can't "understand it"
Tony: [to Patsy] you're ok with onions, right?
Patsy: it might sound fuckin crazy to you?
Christopher: hey, nothing sounds "crazy" anymore the older I get
Gigi: well, it's over, right?
Christopher: don't it happen, that identical twins a lot of times, they'll die within a couple days of each other?
Patsy: [before everybody chastises him for talking about not wanting to live] that would've been ok with me, believe me... I miss him so much
Tony: [before everybody raises their drinks to toast his birthday] yeah, well that's natural but you're with us now so why don't you leave the morbid shit back to Junior's crew and have a happy birthday?

Tony: [after walking up to Christopher and Silvio, Who are talking privately] what's up?
Silvio: A little business
Tony: Like what?
Silvio: Why? You wanna hear this?
Silvio: [safter Tony nods] I was just saying how we have to give a bigger percentage to the union guys and the customs guys
Tony: You're shitting me, right? That's what you guys came up with?
Silvio: Everybody seems pleased with the: arrangement
Tony: God damn it, now I'm gonna have to go down there and go see every fuckin' body from the harbor master on down which is exactly what I was trying to avoid
Silvio: You wanted me to negotiate, that's what we'll do
Tony: Don't make me go down there. I'm tryin to free myself up and do a little global thinking
Christopher: [before Tony walks away] Right

Tony: [while in the backyard, referring to her cigarette] let me get a "hit" off that
Janice: [Sarcastically, implying his scared of Carmella because his sneaking outside to smoke] oh, look who's in charge here
Tony: You look sensational, really, I was out of line
Janice: Two beautiful kids: you must be proud
Tony: Yeah, how about that huh? Even with our genes
Tony: [Referring to her lover] so you still with that "Adolf?"
Janice: [Correcting him] Ralph, no Ralph went back to Andorra. You seem good, "wood"-wise
Tony: Yeah, things are good these days
Janice: So how are things really with Ma?
Tony: She's dead to me
Janice: I don't want to get in your way here. You're the one who stayed: took the "brunt", Barb and I are never gonna forget that
Tony: Well, you forgot about it for about it for... twenty years, at least Barb pitched in
Janice: I know I made my share of mistakes but Ma can't stay in the hospital forever
Tony: Let me tell about the "stroke" of hers and I got this from a doctor: it's called a "conversion reaction", it's a big fuckin "opry" brought on by repressed rage: it's bullshit, there was no "infarct", whatever the fuck
Janice: Yeah but they also the symptoms are similar to a stroke so the results are the same: she cannot take care of herself
Tony: She's "on the lamb" in that hospital from me
Janice: Who did what to who is not my business. All I know is that mom is bewildered by all of this, I mention you and her eyes fill up with tears
Tony: [Amused] oh boy
Janice: Look, I'm not asking you to step in here... it's my turn now, that's why I came
Tony: She's a "streg", she's the devil
Janice: She was, now she's just a confused old woman. So look, all I need is a couple bucks to fix her car so I can back and forth to the hospital, then I'll take her home to Seattle, maybe stay at her house here "temporarily"
Tony: Oh, I doubt that, I just put her house on the market
Janice: Oh
Tony: [Before giving her money] look, I'm glad you're here ok? You want to play Florence Nightingale? That's your choice, only this is the last time we mention her in this house

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Just take your medicine, Uncle Jun'. Make you feel better. Help with your memory.
Corrado: Believe me, there's plenty I'd like to forget.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah, you and me both.

Paulie: [talking privately on two table in out front of Satriale's] I'm no spring chicken no more. I don't wanna have me dyin' on you and leavin' ya worse off than before.
Tony: Oh, you with the dead thing! Ya got the arms and upper body of a 20-year-old.
Paulie: I gotta work at that. And I had the prostate.
Tony: Alright, sure. Go ahead. I'm a little miffled but yeah, sit with it.

Tony: Free spirit Janice! Rebel without a cause! While I sit here mired in her bullshit, trying to be a good son, while you're off dropping acid and blowing roadies!
Bobby: [aghast] Roadies?
Tony: Oh, you don't wanna know!

[Tony, Junior, Silvio and Mikey are playing golf]
Tony: Uncle Jun's into muff.
Corrado: What?
Tony: Oh, did I say "muff"? I meant "rough".
[sniffs]
Tony: What's that smell? Did you guys go to a sushi bar?
Corrado: [to Mikey] The fuck's he talkin' about?
Tony: I thought you were a baccalà man, Uncle Jun. What are you doin' eatin' sushi?
Corrado: You fuckin' run off at the mouth, you know that?
Tony: [sings] South of the border, down Mexico Way.
Corrado: Hey listen, my friend. At least I can deal with my own problems. Unlike some I know.
Tony: What's that supposed to mean?
Corrado: Take it however you want. Don't bullshit with me.
Silvio: Hey guys, guys. We're here to play golf or what? C'mon.
Tony: [sings] South of the border where the tuna fish play.

Artie: [as Tony arrives to visit him in the hospital] oh Jesus
Tony: What happened?
Artie: [Referring to the investment he tried to make with Jean-Philippe] it went to shit. The "Next Vodka."
Tony: [Referring to his suicide attempt] so, this is what you do?
Artie: You don't understand. The money is gone
Tony: Can't you come talk to me? Hey, I'm your friend. Suppose you hadn't been able to reach me and I come over to your house and I find you dead, how am I supposed to feel?
Artie: [Before crying] take the restaurant
Tony: I don't want the fuckin restaurant
Artie: How am I going to pay you back? Fifty thousand dollars, it'd take the rest of my life
Tony: It's fifty-one five, "vig"-wise, and technically you already missed a payment. Alright, look, we'll wipe my tab at the restaurant
Artie: Thank you, Tony, that's what? Six-thousand dollars? What about the rest of the money?
Tony: I'll assume the guy's debt. Collecting fifty G's
Artie: Thank you. The "cobwebs" are now removed"
Tony: The fuck you talking about?
Artie: You saw this whole thing didn't you? You knew exactly what was going to happen. You can see twenty moves down the road. Please, I don't blame you, I envy you. It's like an instinct: like a hawk sees a little mouse moving around in a corn field from a mile up
Tony: You think it's my fault you're fuckin lying in here?
Artie: It's just that somebody mentions fifty grand to bankroll a French thief and your mind goes through all the permutations at like internet speed and realizes "oh worst case scenario, I eat for free"
Tony: You fuckin suicide, you're disgraceful
Artie: I'm sorry
Tony: No fuck that, is there anybody else know that it was me I loaned you the money?
Artie: Like who?
Tony: Like who? I don't give a fuck who: Adriana, Father Intintola, my wife, anybody?
Tony: [after Artie shakes his head] You got mugged outside your house. It was a "street crime", kids, they took the wallet and your watch. Where are they?
Artie: Why?
Tony: Why? You don't care what people think? Well I do. Enough people hate me. You fought back. They ripped your earring out of your ear, you were bleeding, and went inside your house. You took a bunch of pills to kill the pain because you knew you had to wait at the emergency room for a couple hours
Artie: Tone, they pumped my stomach. They saw the Armagnac
Tony: You got fuckin mugged! Do you understand me? I didn't loan you shit!

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [while visiting him in prison, talking through telephone intercom] three fuckin weeks it took you to put me on your visitor's list?
Junior: I was being careful: these motherless fucks listen to everything
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: A nephew is visiting his uncle... who loves him
Junior: I got nothing to say to you
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So many tragedies and near tragedies close to you huh?
Junior: Don't be so smart: things could've gone the other way my little nephew
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah but they didn't. So what's all this shit I'm hearing about your heart?
Junior: This problem between you and me had, I want you to know your mother had nothing to do with it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: She's dead to me
Junior: She's a sick woman, she don't have all her marbles
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Who the fuck you kiddin? It's killing you that people are talkin and an old woman made an asshole out of you
Junior: That's half as bad are the rumors floating around this place is about you: how Tony Soprano likes to fluff up his mother's pillows so she can get a nice long sleep
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Who said that?
Junior: You want to make all this nonsense disappear? Make peace with her: make it look like there's no bad blood, it'll be good for all of us
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No fuckin way. You tell that fat fuck Bacala, to come out from his mouse hole, I want to see him tomorrow
Junior: [Before Tony angrily hangs up the phone and leaves] what for?

Silvio: [talking in Tony's basement, referring to Big Pussy Bonpensiero possibly wearing a wire underneath the Santa outfit] Ever since we found that suit, I've been dreaming about that fat rat bastard
Tony: What about it?
Silvio: You did the right thing
Tony: You're starting to worry me, you got a problem?
Silvio: 95, I can't believe I didn't see it. You think it went down in Boca though? I mean he was bringing in shit through there?
Tony: No, it wasn't Boca, they didn't "flip" him in Boca. He was down there for twenty fours, to set up the sit down with my uncle and I know for a fact he was with my uncle the whole time

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Carlo was furious: these guys waited by the Hackensack River all fuckin night
Johnny: Fuckin Vespas never got in my hands
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: This is Port Newark, where the fuck was your longshoremen?
Johnny: Tightened security at the ports: Al-Qaeda
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after Johnny gets into his Maserati] Carlo was told it was a go. If it didn't happen, how come nobody called?
Johnny: [before driving off] Lot of things didn't happen that seemed like it they happened. Your cousin didn't whack Joey: the Vespas never got in my hands

Tony: [after Carmella suggested to Tony, he not visit Meadow at college following the incident he had with Noah Tannenbaum, an African American friend of Meadow's] this is about sambo right? I'm paying for that God damn college
Carmela: I don't know what's going on over there but if you want to make a big scene at your daughter's new college, then comb your hair, and come right along: embarrass her, alienate her. Or better yet, cut her off, let her drop out of there and go to a state school, or maybe move back in here
Tony: I was just trying to protect her from "herself" and I'll do that until the day I fuckin die
Carmela: I'm not gonna tell you not to come: she's your daughter
Tony: I'll probably watch the game

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: do you feel depressed?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [when he doesn't respond] do you feel depressed?
Tony: since the ducks left, I guess?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [before abruptly leaves] the ducks that preceded you losing consciousness: let's talk about them

Christopher: [At the Cleaver movie premiere after party, walking up to him] what?
Tony: [Hugs him, referring to the resemblance of a character in the movie] what? I'll give you a "what", fuckin boss down in the cellar, wearing a white bathrobe, where'd you get that?
Christopher: I don't know. "Artistic choice"
Tony: Seriously though, I'm very proud, whatever else happened, you made a movie Christopher. Nobody can take that away. A hundred years from now when we're dead and gone, people are going to be watching this fuckin thing
Christopher: You know how much Imperial vodka I scored just this party alone? I had a couple cases put down in your car

Christopher: [referring to Vito] he was fuckin' stalking you,
Silvio: That's the thing with the gays, still living the closet makes them devious
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [points to the television of Mickey Rooney in the movie Strike Up the Band] Speaking of crystal meth, look at this WYO
Silvio: say what you will about Richie Aprile, when he found out his son was gay, he did the right thing... he disowned him
Christopher: [before leaving] I got an AA meeting
Paulie: [sarcastically, referring to the birthname of Charles Lucky Luciano, sarcastically] Alcohol fuckin' Anonymous now too, Salvatore Lucania must be looking down on all of us with great pride
Silvio: There's gonna be a lot of popular sentiment to get rid of Vito, Phil alone
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Fuck Phil, you know what that's about? His got to polish his reputation as a tough prick, so he can make boss. Vito in Atlantic City, his out there, his not part of us, and we get you know a trinkle of cash coming in each month

Tony: Look, Tony's in hiding, John.
John: You either deliver that prick to my door, or I will rain a shitstorm down on you and your family like you have NEVER fucking seen.
[pause]
John: We're done here.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you have any qualms about how you actually make a living?
Tony: Yeah. I find I have to be the sad clown: laughing on the outside, crying on the inside.

Tony: Did you ever know anybody that ever committed suicide?
Janice: Uhmm, plenty. I used to live in Seattle, Tony.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: To what do I owe this pleasure?
Carmela: I don't know if you'll see it that way I asked you to lunch to tell you I'm filing for divorce
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: That's nice, you invite me to a public place so you can ambush me? So you think I won't make a scene?
Carmela: Spare me your outrage accept the fact that I'm moving on with my life
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Moving on? That's what you were doing after the party last week?
Carmela: You and I both know that didn't change anything
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: First of all we're Italian, we don't believe in divorce, we believe in the nuclear family
Carmela: Despite your best efforts I have attorney who is going to aggressively pursue my custody of AJ and an equitable distribution of our assets
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Our assets?
Carmela: I am through in trying to get you to provide beyond the minimum for me to live
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So it's all fucking money? That's all this is to you?
Carmela: After all we've been through is it so hard to own up to that bullshit tax return?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You want money? What about the forty grand you stole from the bird feeder? You're such an investment genius
Carmela: You want this to get ugly? Because these guys live for that
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: And you think I don't? The only reason you have anything is because of my fucking sweat you knew every step of the way where the money comes from, you walk around in that mansion in your five hundred dollar shoes and diamond rings and you act like butter wouldn't melt in your mouth, you don't want it to get ugly? Too late
Carmela: I want what I'm entitled to

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What I'm going to tell you is for your ear's only, and Sil's. We're going to take out Carmine Lupertazzi
Christopher: Johnny Sack's going to war Tone
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Implying Johnny's in on the hit] no, his not. That's right. See Carmine's got major income besides construction. Johnny don't. The only other person hurting more than any of these pricks is me
Christopher: Whacking a boss of one of the five families, Johnny's a snaky fuck
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well, that's something to be considered. Remember how also deeply hurt fuckin Johnny felt over Carmine not backing him on those slurs against Ginny?
Christopher: Life's funny
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Carmine never made that right with John. I knew back then it was a mistake
Christopher: Are we going to hit Carmine soon?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: If I'm going to buy this house I'm going to need the Esplanade "scratch." It shouldn't look like what it is: home invasion, carjacking, fuckin ingrown toenail
Christopher: I know these black guys from Irvington
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: That's the right idea. It could never get out who whacked the old fuck. Are they trustworthy these guys?
Christopher: Yeah
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Make sure

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: In a few weeks, we're gonna be opening up the books, again. I'm gonna propose you for membership. Congratulations.
Christopher: I earned it, too. Got no spleen, Gene.

Tony: How's the new stock doing?
Gigi: Up three at the close of The Dow yesterday. Another two so far today
Tony: Beautiful
Gigi: Listen I think we may have a problem
Tony: Log off, that cookies shit makes me nervous
Gigi: I think we have a problem with our "friend" the twin
Tony: Yeah so?
Gigi: My Goomba Joey Flies, he hangs out at The Nest in Bloomfield. So our "friend's a fixture down there and Joey says lately his been into the booze "very heavy", his all fucked up. A couple times they had to help pick him off the floor. Patsy launches into this single malt diatribe about how people can still smile in your face and still be a villain. And that he knows how his brother died and whose responsible and all that there
Tony: He mention me by name?
Gigi: No, me neither
Tony: [to Paulie] you hearing this?
Paulie: How the fuck would know Patsy we clipped Spoons?
Tony: What? That "twin telepathy"?
Paulie: Somebody's putting ideas in this kid's head
Tony: [Sarcastically to Silvio] don't let us interfere with your golf game
Silvio: Maybe a cop trying to flip him, maybe getting him worked up over theories
Tony: He was talking weird the other day
Gigi: What should we do?
Tony: We brought him over from Junior's crew to keep an eye on him so that's we'll keep doing
Gigi: I mean make no mistake this guy must love you but it's got to be hard coming into work every day looking right into the eyes of the guy who ordered your brother whacked and even with a smile
Paulie: [Implying to kill him] we always have the option

Paulie: Amazing thing about snakes is that they reproduce spontaneously.
Tony: What do you mean?
Paulie: They have both male and female sex organs. That's why somebody you don't trust you call a snake. How can you trust a guy who can literally go fuck themselves?
Tony: Don't you think that expression would've come from the Adam and Eve story? When the snake tempted Eve to bite the apple?
Paulie: Hey, snakes were fucking themselves long before Adam and Eve showed up, T.

Tony: It's good to be in something from the ground floor. I came too late for that and I know. But lately, I'm getting the feeling that I came in at the end. The best is over.

David: Listen, I heard through the grapevine that you're taking over your uncle's game, you know the big one?
Tony: [Referring to the song by Creedence Clearwater Revival] grapevine? You know if you listen closely to that song, it says believe none of what you hear, and half of what you see
David: No, you know me, it's just... I like to play a little
Tony: [confused] a little?
Tony: [realizing he wants to get in on the game] forget it: this game's not for you
David: I was thinkin I could get a kick?
Tony: You're a nice guy I like you, ok? But trust me, this game's not for you. I don't want to see you get hurt: these guys, they play deep
David: [referring to from his sporting goods store] You know how many jockstraps I sold last week?
Tony: Not enough for this game, ok? Forget it

Christopher: [grabs hold of Ralph's hair and it comes clean off - it's a wig he's been wearing all along to hide his baldness] Aahh! Holy shit! I had no idea. Did you?
Tony: Course I did. You're so high on scag, you wouldn't know if he had your mother's muff on his head.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [while in his driveway] hey, I want to talk to you. The fuck you were doing with that real estate sign?
Janice: Oh yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm selling Ma's house, do you understand? I want that fuckin sign in the fuckin ground and that's it: end of discussion, period!
Janice: You're so "left brained". Whether the sign's there or not, the house is still for sale. The real estate agent still has the listing
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah? Then what was the sign doing in the back of your car? And don't try to deny it
Janice: Because I'm trying to save a little money, is that alright? Do you remember Kathy Fiaola? She was in my class at Sacred Heart? With the birthmark?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Not remembering, irritated] what about her?
Janice: She's in real estate now: she said she would only charge three percent commission, that's half alright? Thousands of dollars, I mean it may not seem like a lot of money to you but maybe Ma could use it?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah? Fuck her? And next time you disappear for a week take that piece of shit and park it in the street: this isn't a fuckin hotel

Tony: [after kicking him] you drew down on a boss of a fuckin family?
Christopher: You lied to me, you were scoring coke with her, she admitted it
Tony: [shouts] so what? I can't get any relief from stress once in a while I don't got enough fuckin problems?
Christopher: You sent me to North Carolina so you can fuck my girlfriend
Tony: The fuck kind of animal do I think I am? The thought never entered my head!
Christopher: You're a man, you're alone in the car with her
Tony: You fuckin pushed me to this, you pushed me to this!
Paulie: The way I see it Tony, he must've known the gun was empty. Look what he pumped into your car
Christopher: [When trying to stand up to confront Paulie before being subdued by Frankie Cortese and Corky DiGioia] what're you trying to say Paulie? The fuck are you trying to say Paulie?
Tony: [Knees down in front of him, looking directly in his eyes] now you tell me right now: you can take it into your heart that I did not do this shit. Or this is as far we go

Tony: So what's up, you make me late for a table at Tavern on the fuckin Green?
Johnny: How's the real estate business?
Tony: Excuse me?
Johnny: You know HUD, Garside Street, you, Ralph, Zellman
Tony: Zellman tell you this?
Johnny: Carmine doesn't know anything about this yet. I'm giving you an opportunity to cut a deal, make it right
Tony: Last time Freeland Heisen Avenue, I cut you in out of friendship but that's over. You got nothing coming to you: you or Carmine
Johnny: You sure you want to go down this road?

David: [while in the bathroom] hey, buddy
Tony: I saw your wife out there alone, I figured you were out at the trotters
David: Not tonight, I had a customer, I couldn't "shake". The guy spends half an hour deciding between a twenty dollar soccer ball and a twenty two dollar soccer ball. So who do you like?
Tony: I don't know, I think that guy from Bowdoin seems to make sense, I guess?
David: No, I meant on the game tonight
Artie: [after entering the bathroom, jokingly] you guys want to be alone?
David: [to Artie] I saw the refreshment table out there, I knew you'd be lurking around here somewhere
Artie: I don't know how I always get "roped" into this shit
Tony: Charmaine's no fool
Tony: [Referring to one of Artie's pastries] she knows one of your Sfogliatella in the right mouth and your daughter can go to any school she wants
Artie: So far the janitor's the only one going near them
Tony: [Jokingly] that's a nice career path for a young lady

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Is he driving you to drink?
Svetlana: I can drive myself.

Tony: [while visiting Bryan Spatafore in the hospital, after greeting everybody] how's he doing?
Gigi: I talked to him before. I think he squeezed my hand
Vito: His going to be a vegetable Tony, a fuckin retard
Tony: No, his going to be fine
Ralph: [after no one found his joke amusing] well look at the bright side, he wasn't that smart to begin with. Come on it's a tense situation a little levity huh?
Tony: [to Jackie Jr] What're you doing here?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: I can't visit my cousin?
Vito: [Referring to Mustang Sally] I want this cocksucker to bleed from his ass skipper
Gigi: You got it
Jackie Aprile Jr.: Just say the word: my fuckin pleasure
Tony: [to Jackie Jr] Why don't you grab us some coffee?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: Come on, are you kidding?
Paulie: [after pulling his chair away from the hospital bed] better yet: Go to the ears, nose, and throat department: get your hearing checked
Tony: All right, obviously you told the cops you don't know who did this?
Vito: I'm upset, but please... I know how to keep my mouth shut.
Ralph: Unless of course there's a salami sandwich around.
Gigi: [Turns round to confront Ralphie] what the fuck is wrong with you? We're trying to have a meeting here
Ralph: Oh, two minutes in charge, he thinks his Lee Iacocca
Tony: [while tapping his right shoulder, implying they shouldn't start a confrontation inside the hospital] come on, not here
Tony: [to Vito] there's no beef between your brother and Mustang Sally?
Paulie: Didn't owe him any money? Nothing like that?
Vito: No, nothing
Ralph: [Referring to Mustang Sally] this kid's a whack job: Meadowlands last year remember? Threw a hot dog vendor off the second mezzanine, too many fuckin onions or some shit
Tony: [to Gigi] you get him under control?
Gigi: With extreme fuckin prejudice
Tony: [to Paulie, after nodding to Gigi meaning his giving his approval to have Mustang Sally killed] we gotta to go

Christopher: I'm going to hell, T.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You're not going anywheres but home.
Christopher: I crossed over to the other side.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You what?
Christopher: I saw the tunnel. And the white light. I saw my father in hell.
Paulie: Get the fuck outta here!
Christopher: And the bouncer said that I'd be there, too, when my time comes.
Paulie: What bouncer?
Christopher: The Emerald Piper. That's our hell. It's an Irish bar where it's St. Patrick's Day every day forever.

Tony: I rang the doorbell six times, nobody answered
Carmela: What're you doing here?
Tony: I want to talk to you
Carmela: [Referring to AJ] if you came to pick him up his not going
Tony: Oh, so you believe all that shit they're saying? Am I that horrible? Really?
Carmela: Where there's smoke, there's fire. I don't know what you did. What's going to happen when your children find out about this? Meadow already suspects you
Tony: Suspects what?
Carmela: She saw you at the club, she thought you were coked out
Tony: What're you talking about? I don't do drugs
Carmela: She already knows about the accident, what'd you think she's going to think? With Anthony at that age?
Tony: Oh, come on with the kids, this is about you
Carmela: Fine, it's all about me, what? Do I mean nothing to you? That I've got to live with this swirling around me?
Tony: Alright forget about what they're saying. I'm asking you, you think I would have sexual relations with her? Adriana who's going to be a member of this family? I want you to answer me truthfully. Look, I know I haven't been a fuckin saint alright? And you got plenty of issues on that subject but you haven't been a fuckin saint yourself

Carmela: [while bringing him a cup of coffee] here, I made it with a lot of milk and sugar: it's a lot more comforting that way
Carmela: [seeing him upset, rubbing his shoulder] you sure you don't want some eggs or an English muffin, or something? You're coming back?
Furio: I hope so: Immigration, they make problems
Carmela: maybe Tony can help with that?
Furio: yeah
Tony: [after coming down the stairs] the hell you still doing here? I thought you were flying out to Naples?
Furio: I just drop off the shirts from Patsy's guy
Tony: alright, but you should be on your way to see your old man
Furio: Cancer is everywhere in his body: cancer don't respect nothing. You know it started in his lungs...
Tony: [interrupts him, hands him a roll of cash] you need any money?
Furio: I'm good
Carmela: [to Furio] Please call and let us know
Furio: [to Tony] I'm sorry, your gonna have to get someone else to drive you tonight
Tony: Not a problem: go

Tony: I tell you, I'm having a time. Stay out late. Come home drunk. Fuck anyone I want.
Silvio: So what's the difference?
Tony: I don't know. It's a mind-set.

Brian: the tax purposes the annuity is fine but if I'm hearing you right, liquidity is the real concern?
Carmela: [after looking at Tony and he nods] "occasionally" we need "ready access" to our money
Brian: honestly guys, I'd recommend a life insurance trust that coupled with the growth-oriented allocation of your assets... including an assortment of other investment "vehicles"
Tony: [jokingly] like what? Classic cars?
Brian: no, like stocks, bonds
Carmela: I think his "pulling your leg"
Brian: [amused] I gotta remember that one. So, great, we'll open an account, get the paperwork started and...
Tony: [interrupts him] look, no offense, I know we're family, let me think about it: run it by my accountant
Carmela: Ginsberg? He's a CPA, not an investment advisor
Tony: well, whatever, he knows about this stuff
Brian: you know what Carm? Talk to your accountant, two heads huh?

Silvio: [talking privately, referring to Feech La Manna] He's an egomaniac, always was, always will be. Nothing's ever good enough, praise, money. Comes into this office and starts ordering people around?
Tony: his old, how do you think that feels?

Tony: You know what? This is bullshit.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What?
Tony: I haven't been able to tell anybody this. I'm fuckin' relieved.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Really?
Tony: He was a tremendous drag on my emotions and my thoughts about the future. I mean, to begin with, every morning I wake up thinkin' is this the day that one of my best friends is gonna dime me to the FBI? And a weak, fuckin' snivellin', lyin' drug addict? That's the worst kind of bet. The biggest blunder of my career is now gone. And I don't have to be confronted by that fact no more. And as a relative, a friend, someone you can count on?
[flicks his hand under his chin]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I see.
Tony: Let me tell you somethin'. I murdered friends before, even relatives. My cousin Tony, my best friend Puss... But this?
[wakes up from his dream]

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Referring to Vito's proposal to Tony by rejoining the crime family and earn money by distributing narcotics in Atlantic City] Vito, Atlantic City, forget it
Silvio: Why the change up?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I can't keep fighting Phil on this. Our businesses are all entwined. You've got to pick your battles. You want your no-show jobs? Vito's got to go
Silvio: It's the right move T
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: All those weeks in the hospital, surgeries, constant pain, and for what? Come out here and get shadowed with something like this?
Silvio: I'm sorry
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: If Vito wanted to pursue that lifestyle, he should've done so quietly
Silvio: He was, wasn't he? Anyone in particular you want to give this to?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well, Carlo had the biggest problem with it, let him handle it. It's Vito's own fault, why couldn't he stay the fuck where he was?
Silvio: Don't beat yourself up about this

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Carmela, who the fuck did you think I was when you married me, huh? You knew my father, you grew up around Dicky Moltisanti and your uncle Eddie. Where do you get off acting so surprised and miffed when there are women on the side? You knew the deal.
Carmela: Deal?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: And your mother can talk about what she wants about whats his name and his chain of drug stores. You and I both know that the other boyfriend you were debating marrying was Gerry Tuffie and his father's snow plow buisness. And we now know that that wouldn't of suited you at all.
Carmela: You really don't hear me, do you? You think for me it's all about things.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No I forced all this shit on you. What you really crave is a Hyundai and a simple gold heart on a chain.
Carmela: You are so fucking hateful.

Furio: [while entering the kitchen] what's the smell is in this house? It's like the smell of heaven
Carmela: Homemade scones, my son loves them. Here try one, they're just out of the oven
Furio: No, thank you
A.J. Soprano: Well, that's all there is for breakfast? Just fat and carbs?
Carmela: Excuse me, we have guest you think you might say hello?
A.J. Soprano: [ignores her, continues to read from his paper about the novel Billy Budd by Herman Melville to his mother] anyway, "when Mr. Claggart gets mad at Billy, it is a surprise because his always saying how handsome Billy is, this does not seem realistic because why would an officer care if a sailor was handsome or not?"
Carmela: [after Tony walks downs the stars and takes a bite from a scone] AJ, your father's living I'll come up in a minute, go over it
Carmela: [Reads from the envelop Tony hands her] what is this? Ocean Club at Paradise Island
Tony: We leave tomorrow for three beautiful days
Carmela: Tomorrow?
Tony: I know its short notice but the deal came through, got a view suite, first class plane tickets, a guy owes me a favor
Tony: [Seeing her worried] what?
Carmela: I don't know, AJ? School?
Tony: His old enough to spoil himself now. I saw how jealous you were when I left for Florida
Carmela: [Giving him reasons why it's not a practical time for them to go on a vacation] my mother with the skin condition, just the time it's going to take to pack
Tony: To pack?
Furio: [Sensing they want to talk privately] I'll wait outside
Tony: All the shit's that's been going on, the horse and all. I know you need a break: deep down it's probably why you got your hair cut

Tony: Twenty years I've been friends with John. Now he's gotta go.
Christopher: All over a stupid joke.
Ralph: [to Silvo, Christopher and Tony] I was fuckin' around for chrissakes! You never made a joke about Ginny Sack?
Tony: Of course not.
Silvio: No, never.
Christopher: Not like that.
Ralph: Yeah, well fuck him and his highfalutin bullshit. Who does he think he is, Sir Walter Raleigh?
Tony: That's enough of you and your stupid fucking remarks! Go back to Miami and play volleyball, or whatever the fuck it is you do down there, while we clean up your fucking mess! Maybe, even keep your ass alive.

Tony: [on the golf course, giving Dr. Kennedy a golf club as a gift] For you. Titanium. I use one! Added ten yards to my drives!
Dr. John Kennedy: Thanks, but I really can't accept it.
Tony: For everything you've done for my uncle. Anyway, what am I gonna do with it? I already got one, and Mr. Williams here
[motioning to Furio]
Tony: , he don't play. Right?
Furio: Stupid-a-fucking game!

Tony: This Russian fuck... friggin lucky I didn't get hauled in. I had to run like a bitch from my own leisure time "activities." Carmela would've known who I was on the boat with, ok that's nothing new but my kids?
Hesh: It happens ok?
Tony: The fuck is wrong with me?
Hesh: Some kind of "complex"
Tony: What kind?
Hesh: You know sleep always helps
Tony: You want to go to sleep? Go ahead

Fran: I was sorry to hear about your mother.
Tony: Least she didn't suffer.
[pause]
Tony: She made all of us suffer instead.

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: [Anthony Jr. tries to convince his father that Christopher Columbus was a slave trader] It's in my history book.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So, you finally read a book, and it's bullshit.

Carmela: [after telling him to hang up the phone in his room, referring to his college applications] I don't know what to say, you know? Those applications are late, you are cooked it's that simple and I do know this because I have raised you from day one, you are not gonna like working at MacDonald's
A.J. Soprano: Could you amp up the drama a little?
Carmela: You know what? I don't like sarcasm and I don't want you around next year sponging off of us so fine, I am withholding your allowance until all of those applications are done
A.J. Soprano: That's not even practical and you know it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after hearing them argue and entering the room, to Carmela] What's the matter?
Carmela: He hasn't done his applications: he isn't getting allowance
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [sternly to AJ] no allowance
A.J. Soprano: Actually, I have three hundred dollars of my own money
Carmela: How?
A.J. Soprano: Me and Matt put on a party: five dollars a person, made six hundred bucks after expenses
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [confused] What expenses?
A.J. Soprano: The band
Carmela: Is that what you've been on the phone about these last two weeks?
A.J. Soprano: It may interest you to know, people said it was the best party all year
Carmela: There was drinking there, I suppose?
A.J. Soprano: We just let people into Matt's house, what they brought with them was not under our control
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [ignoring his explanation] Do your applications... now

Tony: [while in the elevator after meeting with Phil] you got your head up your ass today, what's going on?
Paulie: My aunt Dottie's been sick, the call I got: she just died
Tony: Oh sorry, your mom's sister or your dad's?
Paulie: Mom's
Tony: She must be broken up?
Paulie: [after they arrive on their hospital floor] here we are
Tony: I guess your brother and sister are coming in?
Paulie: Yeah
Tony: Your aunt, the nun?
Paulie: Yeah
Tony: [Referring to the coif that is worn by nuns] I always wondered, they got hair under there?
Paulie: Yeah, short
Tony: Maybe you don't want to talk about it
Paulie: Yeah

Christopher: Well, regarding Phil, I gotta ask. Whatever happened to "stop and smell the roses"?
Tony: You're right, you're right. You can't fight every fucking battle, right? Asbestos.
[laughs]
Tony: Each day's a gift.
Christopher: Every time I look at my kid, that's what I realize.
Tony: And that shit with Junior? Please. It's just that people like Phil, they're not on that page. They'll take those roses and stick 'em up your ass, thorns first.

Corrado: He was my younger brother. He was between me and your father in age. His name was Eckley. Actually, Ercoli. Hercules. Named after my grandfather.
Tony: What are you saying? I got another uncle?
Corrado: Sharp as a fucking cue ball. Yeah, I'm saying. Your father and me had a brother you didn't know about. It was different in those days. Mother and father didn't even speak the language. They couldn't take care of a kid like that. God bless your grandmother. She went to every charity home in this fucking state till she found one that she felt would take good care of him.
Tony: What are you saying, he was retarded?
Corrado: Why don't you go fuck yourself. He was slow! He was strong as a fucking bull, handsome like George Raft. If it was today, they might have trained him. Get him a job. They didn't understand these things back then.
Tony: I remember my mother and father arguing about - something. I don't know. She kept talking about my father's feeble-minded brother, but I always thought she meant you.

Paulie: [before a sit down requested by Paulie, referring to Ralph not arriving on time] I got here first? Cocksucker
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: sit down, relax, have a coffee, he'll be here
Paulie: I think I got ma situated
Silvio: the Brother Joe home?
Paulie: [referring to the odor] nah, fuck that, we went there, almost gagged. Nah, we're gonna go with Greene Grove, based on your recommendation, Tone
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I never recommended it
Paulie: yeah, you did, when your ma there. By the way, did she have the Silver Bird package?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [uninterested] I don't know
Paulie: you know, Sil, it's the most expensive nursing home in the state
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It's a retirement community
Paulie: the level of care they have, ma was crying
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: eight grand a month?
Paulie: who gives a fuck? You see a seeing eye dog over here? Cup full of pencils?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm not trying to insult you, I'm just saying
Paulie: It'll be tough but I'll figure it out: worth every fucking penny, I'm the hero now
Paulie: [to Ralph when he arrives] you're late
Ralph: [before Paulie tries to lunge at him for the insult] well, tomorrow I can be on time, but you'll be stupid forever
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Paulie while holding him back] hey, sit down
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Ralph] sit the fuck down and shut up
Silvio: so, who wants to talk first?
Paulie: what's to fucking talk about? I'm owed that fifty g's
Ralph: [raises his voice] fucking alarm code? Fifty g's? Five tops, maybe? As a finder's fee?
Paulie: Freaking heist fell in your lap: you spend your days fucking those fat pigs in the outer office at the carpenters union
Ralph: three mill a year from construction this family sees
Silvio: alright, five is the negotiating platform, take it easy
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [referring to Ralph's crew] It's not five we all know that: these guys did the heavy lifting
Paulie: Little Paulie was good to go, fucking car never came. They left him waiting outside his house like an asshole in fucking eleven-degree weather
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after thinking it over] Ralph, give him 12k
Paulie: I can't believe this
Ralph: why not? Last year you believed that flying saucers were over East Rutherford
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Ralph, irritated from his insults] I'm not gonna tell you again
Paulie: T, I'm asking you to reconsider this
Silvio: [replying for Tony] Paulie, you requested a sit down, he heard you out

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Look Carmine, you basically know what's going on with your dad, Johnny, and us over in Jersey
Little: First let me say I understand and I appreciate the respect you've shown by coming down here and reaching out this time
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Always
Little: And I'll also go on record and say I know my old man can be a tough nut to crack
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I don't want to "crack nuts", but I will
Little: I feel the anger
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: When I try for the second time on a separate issue entirely to make an accommodation and he don't even make a counter offer: where's his respect?
Little: I have no way of knowing what kind of advice his getting from Johnny
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Johnny's always usually a voice of moderation: me and him get along good, so with all due respect let's not jump in and blame Johnny
Little: True, John's a pragmatist but his also a greedy mother fucker
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: He lives above his head
Little: Look Tony, all I can promise you is I will look into it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I understand you've got feel out your old man so we don't give you "armatz" for sticking your nose into it
Little: Tony I haven't been afraid of my father for quite some time
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Fair enough, but Carmine bear in mind he came onto my turf. He tried to recruit my mulignan. And worse, he roughed up my appraiser. If the proper response is not forthcoming in a business like time frame, my next move will not be further conversation
Little: I get it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Before shaking hands] oh, so you should know my next call will be to call Johnny Sack: to let him know we talked. he shouldn't feel blindsided

Tony: What'd I mean? What'd you mean? All these innuendos. You referring to me that I didn't do everything I could to keep that kid from fuckin himself up? And yeah knowing him and his family that I didn't try to be a better dad than his own dad? God rest his soul. That I didn't try to protect Jackie Jr.? That I didn't smack him around because I was so frustrated? Is that what you're trying to tell me?
Meadow: I'm through telling people you help with environmental clean up
Tony: That's not what I asked you
Meadow: Like you can talk honestly for three fucking seconds
Tony: You try me!
Meadow: I made my plans and I'm going to Europe and getting the fuck out of here

Phil: [During a sit-down] six hundred and twenty-five k for the track plus all that land, that's it?
Hesh: That was a zoning restriction: you're lucky we got a buyer at all
Johnny: Here's what I propose: Tony gets one fifty, twenty-five percent comes from you, and the other seventy-five percent of that comes from Hesh
Phil: Jesus Christ that's like forty grand, you've got to be kidding me John
Johnny: Am I smiling?
Phil: You got some balls kid. I'll give you that much
Tony: You'll give me what I tell you to give me
Johnny: Whoa Tony
Silvio: Take it easy, take it easy
Tony: Fuck that. This ain't the 70's, and I'm not a kid
Phil: Relax, it's an expression
Tony: Well, here's another one expression. You got five days to give me my money

Tony: so, Finn, where are you from?
Finn: my dad was in the navy, I was born in Japan, I spent my first ten years on a base near the Azores
Tony: so, your dad was a sailor, huh?
Finn: surgeon, actually
Carmela: so, you've been all over the world?
Finn: yeah, pretty much
Colin: I gotta tell you Mrs. Soprano, your daughter absolutely keeps us alive with her cooking
Alessandra: [to Colin] didn't you make macaroni and cheese one night?
Colin: [jokingly] I didn't wanna brag

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know, when you asked me what Irina's cousin had, that you don't have? Well, I thought about it, 'cause it's a pretty good fucking question. And yes, she's sexy enough even with the one pin gone, but that's not it. I could converse with her 'cause she had something to say.
Carmela: I AM HERE! I have things to say!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Besides bringing the fuckin' chairs down and sign the fucking trust! She was a grown fuckin' woman who was kicked around. And she's been on her own and she had to fight and struggle!
Carmela: Unlike me? Is that it?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah.
Carmela: [shouting] Who the fuck wanted it like this? Who the fuck pissed and moaned of just the idea of me with a fucking real estate license?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well, you sit back for 20 fucking years all you did was fiddle with the air conditioning and fucking bitch and complain! And fucking bitch, bitch, bitch to me! TO YOUR PRIEST! FUCK IT!
Carmela: Who knew all this time you wanted Tracy and Hepburn? Well Tony, what about all the thousand other fucking pigs you had your dick in over the years? The strippers, the cocktail waitresses, were they all your best friends all of them too?
[pause]
Carmela: You fucking hypocrite.

[Christopher is stoned]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Been wanting to talk to you.
Christopher: Yeah, been wanting to talk to you too.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'll go first. I gotta make it my number one priority to limit my exposure to potentially damaging conversations and wiretaps, shit like that.
Christopher: Sure, guy in your position.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So, over the next couple of years, more and more, I'm gonna be giving my orders through you, and then finally only through you.
Christopher: And what about Sil? You got that with him and Paulie.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Those other guys, Sil, Paulie... one thing they're not: they're not my blood. You hear what I'm saying to you? It's a matter of trust.
Christopher: That's very wise.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Sil's a good consigliere, he's gonna continue on as such, but he's no fucking spring chicken either. On the other hand, there's no reason to be giving him a fucking attitude either.
Christopher: No, course not.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: There's gonna be a period of transition.
Christopher: Jesus Christ, T.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You're gonna take this family into the twenty-first century.
Christopher: We're already in the twenty-first century, though, T...
[Tony looks at him, confused]
Christopher: Whatever you say, T. I'd follow you into the gates of hell.

Artie: Any word from your Ivy Leaguer? And how's Carmella with the "empty nest"?
Tony: What "empty"? every five minutes Meadow's home with a laundry bag but she's hauling food out, why'd she talk about Berkeley when she could barely make it over the George Washington Bridge?
Artie: We created too nice of a home life for them, they don't want to go out to the world. But hey, they're closer to us than we were with our parents, that's not such a bad thing
Tony: [to Jackie Jr. implying that his late] what time is it?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: I'm here aren't I? Out of respect to my father
Furio: [Sensing Tony wants to talk to Jackie Jr. in private and leaves the table] I have to make a phone call
Tony: [Gestures to an empty seat] sit down
Tony: You want something to eat?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: Not hungry
Tony: [Jokingly] that's too bad. I said "lunch meat"
Tony: Want a drink?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: [Shakes his head]
Tony: Lose the glasses
Jackie Aprile Jr.: [Moves the sunglasses to the top of his head]
Tony: Now I'm going to say a few things: I'm going to say some bad words, and your just going to have to deal with it. Now I know what your thinking. Your thinking I clipped your uncle. On the one hand you'd be a shit head to believe me if I told you I didn't do it. But I didn't. I got some news for you. Your uncle was a rat
Jackie Aprile Jr.: [Suddenly stands up in anger] no fuckin way
Tony: Sit down, sit the fuck down
Tony: Your uncle was a rat and now his in the witness protection program
Jackie Aprile Jr.: That's my father's brother your talking about
Tony: Jackie, I'm a member of your family almost, you think I'm the only one that knows this about Richie? You ask anybody. This hurt all of us
Jackie Aprile Jr.: [Beginning to be convinced by Tony] Jesus Christ
Tony: Your dad and me, you know how close we were? He never wanted this for you. He wanted you to be a doctor
Jackie Aprile Jr.: Give me a fuckin break
Tony: Let me tell you something: besides the money which is a shit load of, a doctor is a very powerful position
Jackie Aprile Jr.: I'm no doctor. Do you know how hard you have to work to get your MD? How many years it takes? I was even thinking maybe Osteopathy, but I don't think I have the grades for that even
Tony: But your not going to drop out of Rutgers are you?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: No, but those fuckin Pre-med courses almost killed me. I only did it because my dad was sick
Tony: But you should know he never wanted this life for you. And I'll tell you something: I don't want it for my son either

Silvio: [Referring to Feech La Manna] just got the call. They put him on a corrections bus this morning. This was the better move than taking him out
Tony: The man is a legend
Silvio: Christopher agrees by the way
Tony: That's nice that he agrees. I'm not running a fuckin popularity contest

Tony: You listen to me now. Before you do any more serious damage to yourself or your grandchildren's inheritance, you're gonna stop living alone, right now.
Livia: I'm not going to that nursing home.
Tony: Green Grove is a retirement community! And it's more like a hotel at Captain Teeb's!
Livia: Who's he?
Tony: A captain that owns luxury hotels or something, I don't know. That's not the point. The point is, I talked to Mrs. DiCaprio over there and she says she's got a corner suite available with a woods view. It's available now, but it's gonna go fast.
Livia: Of course it's available, somebody died!
Tony: Oh, Ma, you gotta stop! You gotta stop with this black poison cloud all the time! 'Cause I can't take it anymore!
Livia: Oh, poor you!
Tony: You know, I got problems at work, I got problems at home, I got a friend whose been diagnosed with cancer. Most parents would be grateful if their yuppie children put as much thought into this as I did.
Livia: I'm not going to that place.
Tony: Then I will go to court and I will get a durable power of attorney over you and I will place you there.
Livia: Then kill me now. Go on now, go into the ham, and take the carving knife and stab me, here, here, now, please! It would hurt me less than what you just said.
Tony: You know, I know seniors that are inspired!

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: My future brother-in-law is causing a serious problem.
Silvio: How serious?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: He's not satisfied with the current leadership. He wants to have me popped.
Silvio: That motherfucker.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So now I gotta decide what to do about him.
Silvio: I genuinely don't think there's anything to gain by keeping him around.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Get it done.

Tony: [Referring to his recollection of his mother excited by fresh meat] it was probably the only time the old man got laid
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Probably
Tony: Pretty sick huh? Getting turned ob by free cold cuts
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you think you questioned why the meat was free? The meat that was going into her children's mouths?
Tony: [Referring to his parent's intimacy] I don't know, I don't want to know, I don't even want to think about any of this shit
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I'm sure it was too much for you then too, that's why you short-circuited. Puberty, witnessing not only your mother and father's sexuality but also the violence and blood so connected to the food you were about to eat. And also the thought that someday, you might be called upon to "bring home the bacon", like your father
Tony: All this from a slice of gabagool?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Kind of like Proust's Madeleine's
Tony: [Confused] what?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Marcel Proust wrote a seven volume classic: Remembrance of Things Past. He took a bite of a Madeleine, it's kind of a tea cookie he used to have when he was a child and that one bite unleashed a tide of memories of his entire childhood and ultimately of his entire life
Tony: This sounds very gay, I hope you're not saying that
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: No, understanding root causes will make you less vulnerable to future episodes
Tony: My fuckin head is swimming here
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: We're going have to stop, it's a lot to process but we've made real progress today, good work and I'd really like you to write down any thoughts or "associations."

Tony: [Tony chastises his assembled captains who aren't making enough money for the crime family] This thing is a "pyramid" since time immemorial, shit goes downhill, money goes up: it's that simple. I should not have to be coming here "hat in my hand", reminding you of your duty to that man.
Tony: [pointing at Raymond] and I don't want to hear about the fuckin economy either! I don't want to hear it. Sil, break it down for them. What two businesses have traditionally been recession proof since time immemorial?
Silvio: Certain aspects of show business... and our thing.
Tony: Now that's it. That's all I've gotta say. Frankly, I'm depressed and ashamed.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: When's the last time you had a prostate exam?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Hey, I don't even let anyone wag their finger in my FACE.
[Dr. Melfi laughs]

Carmela: [referring to their daughter's main choice on where to go to college] What is this obsession with Berkley? What? Is she trying to get away from us?
Tony: Absolutely: that's her job
Carmela: Go ahead, laugh. What are you gonna do if she gets into Berkley and not into Notre Dame and Georgetown?
Tony: She's in the National Honor Society for Christ's sake
Carmela: Don't be naïve, please? How do you think Hunter Scangarelo got into Reed College? Her uncle. That's how, him and his wife are graduates
Tony: That little freak show isn't gonna get into college anyway
Carmela: Second Baby Boom: grades, great SAT scores, it's not enough anymore, it's all who you know and how many buildings you give
Tony: What'd you want me to do, huh?

Tony: So, what happened in school today?
Vito: I get blamed for everything
Tony: The girl was developed mentally disabled
Vito: [Remains silent]
Tony: Uncle Phil said he talked to you. Is he just wasting his breath? Is that what your telling us?
Vito: [Continues to remain silent]
Tony: This trouble you're causing, I'm very disappointed because you were always a good kid
Vito: You don't even know me
Tony: What's that suppose to mean?
Vito: Sometimes you call me "Carlo Jr."
Tony: All I know is that I couldn't shut your dad up about how a good kid you were. We were friends you know
Vito: Butt buddies?
Tony: Your being funny? That's good because I'm sure you miss him: a lot. Whatever he was and now I'm going to say some things and your going to look at me
Vito: [Looks away, before suddenly raising his voice] I'm not moving to fuckin Maine!
Tony: You think anybody wants that? Do you know how much that's going to cost? Your mother?
Vito: Whatever
Tony: [Grabs his face in anger] listen I'm not some social worker, you knock this weird shit off or I'm going to introduce you to a plate glass window
Vito: Somebody should've told my dad to knock off the weird shit off
Tony: You go about and pity yourself. What about your mother? What she's been through?
Vito: What am I suppose to do about it?
Tony: Look, your dad's gone. You're the man of the house now. Start fuckin acting like it

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: All right, spit it out. Whenever I bring her up, you get this weird puss, and then you ask me, "does she seem happy?" like maybe she's not. Or, "does she remind you of somebody?" with that weird puss on, like you don't like it. "Our mo fo" or whatever the fuck you call our relationship!

Tony: [to Feech] You go straight from the joint to Earl Sheib? Look at this fuckin' tan!

Tony: [walking up to a man at a nearby table wearing a baseball cap] Take your hat off.
Capman: Excuse me?
Tony: They don't sell hot dogs here. They took the bleachers out two years ago.
Capman: It's my hat. I'll where it where I want.
[Tony stares at him, breathing angrily. The man hesitantly takes his baseball cap off]
Tony: [to man's date] How you doin'?
[leaves]

Tony: You know, no offense but you ever had yourself checked for Tourette's?
Paulie: What?
Tony: Tourette's Syndrome. Seriously. "Heh, heh. Heh, heh." Maybe you got a tic or somethin'?
Paulie: I don't know. Like some people grind their teeth. When I'm nervous, tense or somethin'.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I say what your mother has, at the very least, is what we call borderline personality disorder.
Tony: A borderline personality disorder ?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Let me read to you from the DSM-IV okay? Definitions of the condition? "A pattern of unstable relationships . Affective instability , It means intense anxiety, a joylessness. These people's internal phobias are the only things that exist to them. The real world, real people are peripheral. These people have no love or compassion. Borderline personalities are very good at splitting behavior, creating bitterness and conflict between others in their circle."

Tony: [angered after hearing Johnny Sack admitted the existence of the mafia by betraying his oath as part of a plea deal, while in Tony's backyard] to think, I thought that piece of shit was my friend once, I hope he dies in there
Silvio: you know how this looks? I wish I was at the court steps to throw acid in his face, just to distance myself
Sal: [before walking up to them] excuse me Tony? I've been meaning to ask you, I was "wondering" about the Sacrimoni place?
Tony: what about it?
Sal: well, now that Mr. Sacrimoni is guilty, you think maybe I could take him off my route?
Tony: what the fuck did you just say Sal?
Sal: [nervously] I don't know
Silvio: fuckin lawnmower man just said John was guilty, T
Tony: he "plead" guilty, Sal, ok?
Sal: yeah, ok
Tony: with this government, no fuckin trial, maybe they stuck tasers on his balls, beat him mercilessly with a rubber hose? You ever think of that?
Sal: no, but of course it makes sense
Tony: don't besmirch the man, Sal
Sal: so, about the yard?
Silvio: [amused, to Tony, referring to Sal] do you believe this fuckin guy?
Tony: [after thinking it over] your done with that

Tony: I'm havin' second thoughts.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: About?
Tony: This whole thing. This whole arrangement. Security. I mean I come here, I tell you things, I don't know how safe it is.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I understand your concerns. But I told you what the ground rules are. As long as I don't hear anything incriminating...
Tony: You don't fuckin' get it. Bein' here incriminates me. Somebody sees me, they tell somebody else. All of a sudden, I'm a celebrity.

Tony: Marie Spatafore came to see me. She wants a hundred grand to relocate on account of Vito, Jr. already has his own social worker.
Phil: Patty told me there was doin's. I guess the turd doesn't fall far from the faggot's ass

Carmela: [while in their bedroom] Sometimes I worry about Furio, I mean doesn't he seem lonely? I was telling Jessica about him this morning, you know the hygienist in Dr. Masara's office? I know I shouldn't gossip, but I think she was having an affair with Dr. Masara?
Carmela: [shows him the photo on the card] Here she is: their office Christmas card
Tony: [jokingly] Oh, yeah there's his hand on her ass
Carmela: [takes the card away] stop it. Anyway, I think she's ready for somebody nice and she seemed very receptive when I described Furio to her
Tony: She's not his type
Carmela: Well, what's his type?
Tony: Don't worry about him: stay out of it
Carmela: One date wouldn't hurt
Tony: Why'd you wanna bother? My little Hello Dolly?
Carmela: Speaking of gossip, that noise in the Mercedes, I brought it over to Globe Motors to have it looked at and I was talking to Jerry in the service department, remember that nice saleslady?
Tony: [lying] I don't think so
Carmela: Gloria Trillo? She gave me a ride home that day? You know what Jerry told me about her? She died
Tony: She what?
Carmela: She committed suicide, isn't that awful?
Carmela: [sarcastically, when Tony doesn't reply] Mr. Empathy over there: she hung herself from a chandelier

Tony: [after breaking up a fight between Artie and Christopher, referring to Adriana] What the fuck is wrong with you? She's his fuckin fiancée
Artie: I loved her, I fuckin love her now
Tony: [surprised, laughs and pats Artie on his cheeks] Do me a favor: don't ever fuckin say that again to anybody... ever
Artie: oh, what am I? A joke?
Tony: [pats him on his head] Yeah, a stupid fuckin bald one, not to mention married?
Artie: Can I tell you something? She's a cunt... my fuckin wife. A girl like Ade, that's a woman. I still have my hair
Tony: She's a young girl, you're gonna be like Casey Kasem to her: it won't make a difference
Tony: [after kissing his head] Alright look, go in the back, get some coffee, go home and go the fuck to sleep
Artie: [while trying to walk away] I should go and apologize to Christopher
Tony: [holds him back] not right now: Let me talk to Chris... you go home

Meadow: So, I've been thinking about getting a car
Tony: I knew I was going to get hit up for something on this trip
Meadow: What? You can spend thousands on sapphires but a hard working student has to take the bus everywhere?
Tony: You live a block away the school, what'd you need a car for?
Meadow: It'd be nice to hop in a car to have dinner with you guys once in a while
Carmela: They steal cars left and right in New York: parking is impossible besides the bus gets you here in forty-five minutes
Meadow: I'm not asking for anything fancy, just something to get me around
Tony: You could've had a car last year but you chose not to take it
Meadow: Eric's car. Is that a sick joke? It may interest you to know his father is now in a mental health facility in Nevada
Carmela: Why don't you wait and see how this semester goes? You were just complaining on how there's so much work you had to do. Don't you think you should concentrate on that?
Meadow: I am concentrating, what the hell do you think I am? Jesus Christ you sound like a broken record
Tony: Hey!
Carmela: Keep it down a notch. We just want to make sure your taking advantage all the city has to offer you. Culturally, socially, and educationally

Christopher: Wait a minute. What's if Vesuvio's bugged, and the fuckin' Feds told Johnny?
Silvio: Conspiracy theories now?
Christopher: Why not? Create a little dysentery among the ranks.
Tony: First of all, the place is swept once a week. Second of all, what the Feds want is a lot more interesting shit that's being talked about in there besides Ginny Sack's fat ass.

Tony: I didn't touch your place, Artie. I swear on my mother.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [having Sunday dinner, Tony is upset by a remark by Uncle Junior] Get your coat! We're leaving!
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: I don't have a coat.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well, then get moving, goddamn it!

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know where I was yesterday when you called?
Dr: I don't know.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I was outside a whorehouse, while a guy that works for me was inside beating the shit out of a guy that owes me money. Broke his arm. Put a bullet in his kneecap.
Dr: How'd that make you feel?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Wished it was me in there.
Dr: Giving the beating or taking it?

Paulie: [Tony, Paulie and Silvio are about to execute Pussy,sadly] you were like a brother to me.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [teared up] to all of us.

Tony: So, I saw my uncle Jun, he says hello
Fran: [surprised] Junior? Jesus, how's he doing?
Tony: I don't know if you know it, he was always a little hot for you
Fran: He was practically a stalker
Tony: He said he suffered in silence
Fran: [doubtful] Suffered in silence? He used to sulk outside my building at all hours: weird phone calls. I always had a hunch he'd tell Livia about me and Johnny
Tony: Jesus Christ
Fran: She was a handsome woman, your mother, not sexy exactly but statuesque

Tony: [referring to Phil Leotardo, who just insulted Tony's crew and left the room] Was that fuckin' necessary? He shouldn't even have been here!
John: He's got a right to be here. He's got a right to *a lot* of things right now.
Tony: [referring to Tony Blundetto] My cousin acted alone. I did not sanction this.
John: [referring sarcastically to JFK assassination] The "lone gunman" theory.
Tony: You know how close he and Angelo were in the can. He flipped the fuck out!
John: When he whacked Joey Peeps, what flipped him out that time?
Tony: Whaddaya, whaddaya want, John? What do you want me to say?
John: I want your cousin on a FUCKING SPIT!

Tony: Uncle Junior and I, we had our problems with the Business. But I never should have razzed him about eating pussy. This whole war could have been averted. Cunnilingus and psychiatry brought us to this.

Tony: [to Silvio] All due respect, you got no fuckin' idea what it's like to be Number One. Every decision you make affects every facet of every other fuckin' thing. It's too much to deal with almost. And in the end you're completely alone with it all.

Christopher: You ever think what a coincidence it is that Lou Gehrig died of Lou Gehrig's disease?
[everyone laughs]
Tony: You're gonna make that same stupid joke every time that comes up?

Tony: Its 3am, I'm wide awake
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Something specific?
Tony: It's a "management" problem, it's a situation with an underling, now it's partly my fault. But he have never done what he did
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What was it? Could you tell me that?
Tony: Caused an early "retirement" for somebody else, I think he thought he was more important, he fucked up. Now ordinarily I'd just you know, just put him "out to pasture". But his a very valuable piece of man power
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Is it complicated by a personal relationship?
Tony: [Intentionally changing the subject] I've been reading that book you were telling me about The Art of War by Sun Tzu
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Nods]
Tony: I mean here's this guy, a Chinese general wrote this thing twenty four hundred years ago and most of it still applies today, bought the enemy's power, force him to reveal himself
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Interrupts him] I have to ask, are you in any sort of danger?
Tony: No, can I go on? Most of the guys I know read Prince Machiavelli and I had Carmela get the Cliffs Notes once and his ok, but this book is much better about strategy
Tony: [Intentionally changing the subject] Listen I wanted to ask you about that woman that was here today, the Mercedes sales lady
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I'm very sorry about the confusion
Tony: What does someone like that need a shrink for?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I can't talk about another patient
Tony: It just makes you wonder that's all

Tony: My estimate, historically? Eighty percent of the time it ends up in the can like Johnny Sack. Or on the embalming table at Cozzarelli's.
Bobby: Don't even say it.
Tony: No risk, no reward.
Bobby: I mean, our line of work, it's always out there. You probably don't even hear it when it happens, right?
Tony: Ask your friend there on the wall.
Bobby: [laughs] Listen to us. Morbid fucks.
Tony: You know, come to think of it, you never popped your cherry in that regard, right?
Bobby: Nah.
Tony: Your old man was the fuckin' Terminator.
Bobby: I come close. I done other shit but... no.
Tony: A salut. A big fat pain in the balls.
Bobby: Especially now with DNA evidence. My pop never wanted it for me. Said there were times, with all the worry, that he wished he coulda just stayed in the shop full-time, just cut hair.
Tony: To be honest, I'd rather he fuckin' shot me than cut my hair.
Bobby: [laughs]

Bobby: I'll tell ya what a gold mine is - those Harry Potter books. That's cause it gives the other kids, the 98-pound weaklings, some hope.
Ralph: Oh. Speaking of 98 pounds, I hear Ginny Sack's gettin' a 95-pound mole taken off her ass.
[all laugh]
Tony: Hey! Some guy's wife! Come on!

Christopher: [while Tony grabs him by the mouth] what's the matter now?
Tony: What's the matter? I got a call from Loiaco down at the brokerage firm: your two friends beat the shit out of a broker, two others quit
Christopher: The guy was pushing some other stock
Tony: It attracts negative attention and then the two fucks rip off a Porsche Carrera from our own building
Christopher: I'll call them
Tony: No, you'll go down there... now. What'd you get your license for? You're résumé? I've been telling you, spend more time down at the brokerage firm: you're the fuckin SEC compliance officer for Christ's sake, you gotta show impulse control, ok?
Christopher: I'm sorry

Stokley: [when asked by Tony to convince and confirm that Tony and Adriana weren't having oral sex at the time of their car accident] to whether somebody was getting "something" in the car, how could I possibly attest to that?
Tony: as the attendee, you can explain how medically, it's not possible.
Stokley: excuse me?
Tony: for instance, if she was wearing a seat belt, there would have been abrasions to the lateral anterior aspect of the right clavicle wouldn't there? Or the right mid-sternum
Stokley: are you a physician?
Tony: no, I'm a pre-board certified massage therapist
Tony: [confused, annoyed] so did she have any kind of those things?
Stokley: Actually yes, on the right clavicle and the sternum just above the Xiphoid process, which would indicate an upright position at the moment of impact
Tony: [to Christopher, referring to Adrianna] so what his saying she was sitting up

Silvio: Ginny told Gabriella she needed a bigger house.
Paulie: Ginny Sacrimoni, what she needs is her own zip code.
Gigi: Jersey's a small state. She moves in, she could tip it over.
Furio: I like a woman you can grab onto something.
Paulie: You grab onto Ginny Sacrimoni, your fuckin' hands will disappear!
Silvio: She's so fat, her blood type is Ragu.
Paulie: She's so fat, she goes campin', the bears have to hide their food.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: When Ginny hauls ass, she's gotta make two trips.
Gigi: Two guys could fuck her at the same time, and still never meet!
Johnny: [John walks in] Fuck who?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Nobody, we're just talking about one of the girls
Johnny: Is that all you dead beats talk about?, Pussy?

Carmine: One other thing though. John told me he went to a cookout at your house.
Tony: Yeah.
Carmine: A don doesn't wears shorts.

Christopher: [over the phone] Hey, T
Tony: Yeah, I'm here with some people and the Arabs from The Bing, what were their names?
Christopher: [confused] Some people?
Tony: exactly
Christopher: [realizing who Tony's referring to] Oh fuck, yeah. Ahmed and Muhammad, what'd they do?
Tony: [repeats the names to Harris and Goddard who are sitting nearby] Ahmed and Muhammad
Christopher: You know, actually I got a cell phone number. I called him recently but he don't answer no more
Christopher: [after looking at his cell phone for their numbers] 973-555-0146, tell me they're not gonna blow up the chemical plant or some shit
Tony: I don't know, I'll call you later

Tony: [after stapling Mikey's chest] What are you screaming about? Free alterations!

Peter: He often has difficulty waiting his turn, is often quote unquote, "on the go" or acts if driven by a motor. Often interrupts or intrudes on others. And often fidgets with hands or feet.
Tony: He fidgets with hands or feet?
Peter: That's right.
Tony: You mean, like, he fidgets?
Peter: Uh-huh.
Tony: And that's a sickness, to fidget?
Peter: Mr. Soprano, it's one of nine possible symptoms.
Tony: What constitutes a fidget?
Carmela: Tony...
Tony: No, no, what constitutes a fidget? I mean, so what if he fidgets? He's in school. Who doesn't fidget in school? And he doesn't wait his turn? The kid's in puberty, he gets a hard-on every ten minutes, for chrissake.

Tony: The story you heard, with the pool?
Carmela: Oh my God, please
Janice: What?
Carmela: No, you don't wanna know: Pradeep, our pharmacist was at a pool party. All the kids were playing in the water adults were all around having drinks, barbequing. Somehow, even with all of these people around, this three-year-old child managed to fall into the pool. Nobody even noticed until they finally found him floating face down in the water
Tony: Brain dead
Carmela: Poor kid's in one of those padded wheelchair now
Tony: I can't get that story out of my mind. I don't know why.

Carmela: So Finn, Meadow's telling me your going skiing?
Finn: For four days next week a whole bunch of us: a friend of my dad has a cabin near Montreal. You can ski right onto the trails
Meadow: I saw the pictures, there's this humongous stone fire place
Carmela: Just be careful with all the accidents you read about: Sonny Bono
Tony: How about you Alex? Do you ski?
Alessandra: I used to, my family had a retreat near the Pyrenees
Tony: Pyrenees?
Meadow: Aless is descended from Spanish royalty
Tony: Seriously?
Colin: She's our little princess
Alessandra: My great, great grandmother was a countess
Carmela: [to Meadow] you should've told me you were living with royalty
Tony: My daughter's an Italian princess, does that count? My wife too for that matter
Meadow: There's more chicken if anybody wants?
Tony: Yeah I'll take a little more
Finn: [Including him into the conversation] so AJ, your a junior?
A.J. Soprano: Next year
Finn: Are you looking at any schools yet?
A.J. Soprano: Not really, I'll go to Rutgers I guess
Meadow: Are you passing everything?
A.J. Soprano: I got a C on a paper I did on Billy Budd
Carmela: [Disappointed] A C?
Tony: [to Carmella] he usually gets D's and F's, what's with you today? You ok?
Carmela: You worked so hard on it, why only a C?
A.J. Soprano: I don't know
Finn: Did you like Billy Budd?
A.J. Soprano: It was ok. My teacher said it's a gay book
Carmela: Mr. Wegler? Oh that is ridiculous
Finn: [while Colin and Aless nod] I've heard that before
Carmela: That was written when? The nineteenth century?
A.J. Soprano: Yeah, I didn't even know they had fags back then
Meadow: [Chastising him for saying something offensive] AJ
Tony: [to Colin] no offense
Colin: Oh, I'm not gay
Tony: Your not?
Colin: No
Finn: [Jokingly] I read where they found gay cave drawings in Africa
Alessandra: Really?
Alessandra: [Realizes he was teasing her] shut up
Carmela: This stuff is pervading our educational system, not to mention movies, TV shows

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Paulie referring to Ralph] you lay a hand on him and you're going to answer to me, if you can quote the rules you can fucking obey them, do you understand?

Tony: [answering Carmela about donating money to Meadow's college] I won't pay. I don't do much about extortion

Carmela: You have made a fool of me for years with these whores. Now it's come into our home?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What are you talking about?
Carmela: The RUSSIAN called. Your son answered the telephone!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh, Jesus. Carmela, she's insane. She's certifiable, I told you. You can't believe a word she says, whatever it is, and we haven't seen each other like that, I swear to Christ!
Carmela: What about her cousin?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [realizing he's been caught] What? No.
Carmela: The nurse who took care of your mother, who I liked? Who I spoke to on the phone about your mother's alopecia and her bowel movements? Who I shared vodka with the night your mother died? You've been FUCKING her?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: There is not a shred of truth in that.
Carmela: Why would the cousin make it up, huh? Because she's jealous?
[she lunges at him and he grabs her and pins her to the wall]
Carmela: LET GO OF ME!

Ralph: So is there any investment advice for an ambitious young man like myself
Brian: "Buy land I guess because God ain't making any more of it", that's what Will Rogers said
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It's true, my house is worth nearly triple of what I paid
Ralph: Location's the key right? Otherwise you get stuck with shit
Brian: Sometimes there's money in shit
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: How'd you mean?
Brian: Nothing, I don't know
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: We're just talking here come on
Brian: I don't know. Some guy I went to school with, this black guy. We worked for one summer for this not-for-profit housing group. He told me about some scam this minister was involved in up in Harlem
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I read about this: fake mortgage loans or something right?
Brian: Actually, you ever hear of HUD?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Housing Development yeah
Brian: HUD was set up to help minorities and low income families become home owners
Ralph: There are more programs for these dead beats I swear to Christ
Brian: As long as the Fed is guaranteeing the home mortgage the banks figure "what the hell?" They'll loan the money. You get a front man to buy houses in a crummy neighborhood. I'm talking real shit boxes that are worth like a hundred grand a piece. Next, you tie up with some not-for-profit organization who goes to HUD and say they intend to buy these houses from your stooge

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Last week we talked about you feeling like the "sad clown"
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Remains silent, takes a deep sigh]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What's going on now?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well, I had a dream the other night. I was riding in a Cadillac like my father used to have. Carmella was driving. I was in the back passenger seat. Sitting next to me was Gloria. Sitting in front of me next to Carmella was a business associate of mine. His the one whose son had the accident. I don't know where we were going, no place. We didn't seem to be going anywhere, kind of like this therapy. And it was hot in the car: it was stuffy. There was no air conditioning and that's all of it. Oh and my friend had a caterpillar on his head and turned into a butterfly
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Has your friend recently changed?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Not "friend", business associate, and no
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What'd you think the dream means?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Can't you just fuckin what the fuckin dream means? I mean you obviously know. Why do we have to go through this exercise every time?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I don't obviously know. I didn't have the dream. The meaning is illicit, it's re-verbalization
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Remains silent, waiting for her to explain his dream]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: OK your wife,your mistress, a business associate, you, all in the same car? Your father's car
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: With my wife driving, which if my father were alive he wouldn't have stood for it for two fuckin seconds
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I hear anger
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No, I'm just saying the old guys were different: men in the front, wives in the back
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You like that arrangement
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Jokingly] actually I think the wife should ride in a little cart behind the car like in the cartoons. Like behind Noah's ark there's a little boat with skunks
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So, wives are skunks?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh Jesus fuckin Christ, it's a fuckin joke, does it have to be fuckin cancer hospital in here?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: But Carmella is in control in the dream
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Why? Because she's driving?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Whatever is going on with the other two, you want to square it with Carmella?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Why?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: That's what we need to find out. Freud said dreams are wishes
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Dreams are wishes? I thought you said dreams represent "repressed urges"
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It depends
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know I ought to quit this therapy. Maybe it's this, maybe it's that. What about impulse control? I've been sitting in this chair for four fuckin years and still nothing's been done about that, and it leads me to make mistakes in my work. What good did you do about that?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Let's get back to the dream
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh fuck the dream, it's just a dream. Jesus Christ the money I've been dropping in here I could've bought a Ferrari. At least I would've got a blow job out of that
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What'd you mean?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Please huh? Don't get me started
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I think your glossing over the significant accomplishments we've made in here
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [sarcastically, recalling her diagnosis] "oh my mother would cum if she looked at a pot roast", oh your second in the birthing order", oh Carmella's driving the car", "oh how fuckin interesting"
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: When you first came here you were clinically depressed. You suffered from panic attacks that put your life in danger. There's been significance relief in both those areas
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah but come on, I've coming here for four years now. I've been a good sport

[referring to Adrianna's health]
Tony: Are you still feeling sick, Hon?
Christopher: Please! They've gotta replace her colon with a semi-colon.

Kelli: [while having dinner] I used to love that house, but now... it's so big, especially at night
Tony: You know if you're afraid, all you gotta do is call, aright? Two minutes, I'll be over
Kelli: [to him and Carmela] I know, you've been so great: both of you
Carmela: Meadow had another mystery date
Kelli: That sounds exciting
Tony: [to AJ] What're you doing? Sit
Carmela: I made your favorite: Steak Pizzaiola
Anthony: You know they spray virus on beef, rather than clean out the rat shit out of the slaughter houses?
Carmela: [surprised] What is this now?
Tony: [irritated] Jesus Christ
Anthony: It's true, read the paper
Tony: I do read the paper: never heard that
Anthony: I'm not talking about the sports page and the FDA, they approved a virus spray because it kills a similar bacteria found on meat
Tony: Must be a good thing then?
Anthony: Yeah, for the meatpackers: the fucking God and the bottom line
Tony: [gestures to Kelli and Caitlin, referring to Christopher's death] That's enough, we're trying to eat here and your upsetting people that been through a tragedy
Anthony: Fine, bury your head in the sand
Tony: [angrily] How about I bury your head in that fuckin wall instead?
Carmela: Tony...
Tony: [yells to AJ as AJ walks away, referring to AJ's lack of academic discipline, sarcastically] Twenty years he won't crack a book, all of a sudden, he's the world's foremost authority!
Carmela: Well, at least his getting an education
Tony: An education is getting a better job
Carmela: His actually reading: this can't be bad

Herman 'Hesh' Rabkin: I hear Junior wants to whack Pussy Bonpensiero.
Tony: Pussy Malanga.
Herman 'Hesh' Rabkin: Oh, Little Pussy.
Tony: Yeah, Little Pussy. You think he's going to fuck with Big Pussy? My Pussy?

Carmela: [about A.J] Oh, I didn't tell you. He spent $200 on a set of CDs that teach Arabic.
Tony: Jesus Christ, c'mon! Shish-kabob. What else do ya need to know?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: She was very high strung, my mother. Very dramatic. Every night to her was a night at the opera.
[cut to a scene of Tony's youth]
Livia: [to Tony] I could stick this fork in your eye!

Tony: [about Ralph's death] Whoever did this, it should have happened a long time ago.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I was wondering who's Z24 was sitting in the driveway, what? You get a new car?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: yeah
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You want anything? A coke?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: No, I'm set. I heard about Ralph Cifaretto... that he got passed over
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [surprised] you heard about what? Who?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: I'm just saying Ralph, it's probably a smart move. I mean the more I get to know him, his kind of a cool guy but...
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [interrupts him] it's none of your fuckin concern, you told me you were gonna go to college then I gotta hear Christopher's shit about you?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: [realizes Christopher told Tony that Jackie Jr. drove the getaway car for the robbery on his college campus] oh, you talked to Chris, oh shit
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: That's right. I promised your dad: don't make this hard on me. I already got him once to bust my balls
Meadow: [after arriving home carrying her laundry bag] hey Jackie, what're you doing here?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: waiting for you
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What? I don't get a hello?
Meadow: I need two hundred dollars for November to put in my student account
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [irritated] You don't talk to me for weeks but my money's still green
Meadow: [sarcastically] I'm looking forward to total independence, believe me. African Americans go to Columbia dad, some of them are my friends
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [referring to Noah Tannenbaum] friend, my ass, under a blanket, on my couch, watching television with his shoes off, with you

Jimmy: [over the phone, referring to the feud between Johnny Sack and Little Carmine which Johnny Sack won] the "tennis match" with those guys: my guy won
Tony: oh, yeah?
Jimmy: [referring to Little Carmine] the other one, the son, he "dropped out"
Tony: what, he got hurt?
Jimmy: nothing like that, it's settled, that's all
Tony: [before hanging up the phone] alright

Tony: [while in Satriale's] You don't look so good
Agent: [referring to the stress his going through] This job
Tony: want a sandwich, Cannoli, on the house?
Agent: [shakes his head, referring to his diagnosis] Microbe virus from Pakistan
Tony: [confused] Still?
Agent: Got a minute? We'd like to show you some pictures
Tony: [jokingly] Angelina Jolie, I hope?
Agent: [when Harris shows Tony pictures of Ahmed and Muhammad] These the gentlemen?
Tony: That's them
Tony: [after Harris quickly puts the photos away] What the fuck? What?
Agent: Don't know, financing maybe?
Tony: [surprised] "Maybe"?
Agent: Yeah, honestly, I don't even know if we still have them in the country

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [over the phone] good morning
Assemblyman Zellman: hey, what's up?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: you heard about this protest with the Indians and Columbus Day?
Assemblyman Zellman: yeah, I heard about it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: well, we need "someone" to make it "go away"
Assemblyman Zellman: oh, boy that's a tough one. A real "hot potato", nobody wants to "touch it"
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: we just want a peaceful parade like we've had for years with no interference, what's wrong with that?
Assemblyman Zellman: well, it's the First Amendment, it's Native Americans, very "sensitive" stuff: my hands are tied on this one... sorry
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: yeah, fine
Assemblyman Zellman: I will be attending the parade as always, you have my support there

Tony: [to Christopher as he walks up to their table in front of Satriale's, referring to their predetermined time to meet] Hey, I said four o'clock.
Christopher: The fuck? I leave before the stock market closes, you yell at me for not watching the phone guys.
Tony: [to Christopher as he gestures to Richie] Meet Richie Aprile.
Christopher: [to Richie] Jesus Christ, how're you doing? Your brother was like a fucking god, great leader! I also heard a lot about you.
Richie: Yeah, and I heard a lot about you. That's why I'm here.
Christopher: What do you mean?
Richie: [referring to Tony] Out of respect for our "friend" here, I'm gonna talk nice. You ever raise your hand to my niece again, next time you won't see my face. You understand?
Christopher: Who told you I put my hand on her?
Richie: [to Tony] is this kid getting jerky with me?
Tony: [Tony Soprano shakes his head]
Richie: Look kid, I shouldn't have to explain myself. I'm from the "old-school". You wanna raise your hand, you give her your last name. Then it's none of my fuckin' business. Until then, keep your hands in your pockets. We understand each other? Now get outta here, I wanna talk to Tony.
Tony: [to Christopher, after Christopher and Richie shake hands] Go ahead.

Tony: [to Carmela regarding the bear] What, you trying to prove your independence? This ain't "Little House on the Fuckin' Prairie!" Those things are dangerous!

Tony: you got word on the power tools?
Paulie: yeah, the spics are sending the first truck Friday
Tony: [to Christopher] how about Alphonse at the hardware store?
Christopher: ready for the whole load
Bobby: speaking of "loads", you hear the latest on Vito Jr.?
Christopher: what?
Tony: Marie called: he got expelled because he took a shit in the shower in gym class
Paulie: [disgusted] whoa
Christopher: that sick little fuck
Tony: [referring to Vito Jr.'s gothic appearance] you should see him: the makeup? And without school, Marie says his shut in his room all day
Christopher: [referring to the 1999 school shooting] probably thinking about "pulling" a Columbine?
Tony: the little girl...
Bobby: Francesca
Tony: dad's gone, brother's a psycho, mother's a basket case, she's nine years old, what the fuck did she ever do?
Christopher: [nods] a tragedy, like a pebble in a lake, even the fish feel it
Tony: it's not right, Vito was one of us, so he sucked a cock, prior to that, he was our friend: can't just cut his family loose. That piece of shit Phil, his never gonna "pony up", and I'll tell you what, I will never, never forget, that he didn't come through here, never!
Bobby: let it go Tone
Christopher: this is good of you Tone, helping Marie
Paulie: I'll always remember it

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Oh, hey dad. I was just taking out the trash, its garbage day tomorrow
Tony: What's different about you?
Carmela: He has no eyebrows Tony
Tony: [after looking carefully on both sides of his face] who did this?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: We were just screwing around
Tony: What'd you say to your mother?
Carmela: Tony...
Tony: [Sternly] what did you say?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: I said the F word
Tony: [Grabs him by the neck and holds him against the wall, referring to the new SUV he bought him] your finished. Your not going to drive that car until your forty-five years old! I'm selling it tomorrow
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Look, she wouldn't let me talk. I was trying to tell her what happened
Carmela: Oh, see? It's my fault
Tony: Let's hear it
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Well, I was going to go to Meadow's but there weren't any cabs and I didn't think you wanted me standing in the street at eleven thirty at night, we were right by the hotel
Carmela: Enough of your lying
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: I am not lying
Tony: Look at your face. If you have some sexual proclivity with that teacher or whatever now's the time to tell us. I mean what went on up there? Poppers and weird sex
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: What? No? Look we don't do drugs around some stupid dopers. I had a few beers but it just made me sick
Carmela: How could anybody believe what you say?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Because I told you. You never believe me
Tony: You had a couple beers
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Yeah
Tony: Didn't do any drugs?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: [Acting innocently, lying] No
Tony: [Sympathetically for AJ] Carmella, look a couple beers, he should be grounded yeah, it's not the end of the world
Carmela: [Shocked] what? You know what? I am sick of your bullshit, both of you. He can go live with you
Tony: Don't get dramatic now alright?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: What? Great, good!
Tony: [to AJ] Shut up
Carmela: I have never been more serious in my life
Tony: [to AJ] take out the trash, go outside
Tony: [Sits down next to her on the couch] what're we going to do? Really?
Carmela: What did I just say?
Tony: No, I mean really? Come on
Carmela: Did you think I was joking?
Tony: Carmella, this normal teenage shit. You remember us? The CYO dance, we left Artie out in the snow, he almost lost his fingers and we still laugh our asses off about it
Carmela: I don't really blame AJ. His doing what his suppose to, his testing the limits as much as he can. I blame myself
Tony: What are you talking about?
Carmela: You don't know what it's like to have your son hate your guts
Tony: [Dismissively] He doesn't hate your guts

Annalisa: You don't want to fuck me?
Tony: Yeah, I do. But I don't shit where I eat.
Annalisa: Que cosa?
Tony: [in broken Italian] Non fare la merdo dove... It's bad business. We're in business.

Tony: [when seeing her opening a parcel] What's that?
Carmela: I got a mysterious package: postmarked Las Vegas
Carmela: [after opening the gift box, reading the brand name, and seeing the expensive watch] Baume & Mercier, oh my God, this is so beautiful
Tony: [shows her the inscription on the back of the watch] I had it engraved, here
Carmela: [reading the engraving] You are my life, love T
Tony: [referring to the limited space on the watch] they couldn't fit Tony
Carmela: [jokingly, pats him on the stomach] I believe that, thank you but I don't know what it's for?
Tony: Like I said, I was sorry I had to go out to Vegas when I did
Carmela: Once you said you had to take care of Christopher's business interests, God knows Kelli will need the money: the baby

Tony: Christopher!
- Yo. Yeah.
- Let's go.
- What's up, t?

Carmela: [pleasantly surprised to see her, while in the kitchen] What're you doing home? Don't you have class?
Meadow: It's Friday: only in the mornings
Carmela: You got a postcard from the dentist, it's time to schedule a cleaning
Meadow: God, I just went. It smells great, what is that?
Carmela: It's a Bundt cake for AJ's fundraiser
Meadow: Nice shoes, daddy home?
Carmela: His upstairs
Carmela: What's with you? You seem...
Meadow: [interrupts her] What?
Carmela: Nothing, I don't know
Meadow: Hey, you know what I read? their making a movie with Eloise
Carmela: Really? That should be cute
Meadow: It's supposed to come out around Christmas or something: you remember at The Plaza that time, the kid kept calling her "Heloise?" And I almost got into a fight with her?
Carmela: Yes, that little Spanish girl
Meadow: She was so annoying
Carmela: I can't believe you even remember that, you were like nine or something?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [while entering the kitchen, kisses her on the cheek] Hey
Meadow: [uninterested] Hello
Meadow: [to her mother] So anyway, when it opens, we are so there: you and me
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [sarcastically to Meadow] I know your excited to see me but try to control yourself
Carmela: So, how's school? What's new?
Meadow: Caitlin's still a pain, she cries like over everything
Carmela: Probably misses her home: the poor thing
Meadow: [referring to her boyfriend Noah Tannenbaum] Thank God for Noah though, he's the only one who can calm her down. She started pulling her hair out last night when she saw a scary movie. She does it all the time now, her scalp is like all raw
Carmela: Oh my God
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [jokingly] Nothing like a straitjacket wouldn't cure
Meadow: [sarcastically] Sorry, I forgot it's Mr. Sensitivity who doesn't have any problems of his own
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm agreeing with you
Meadow: [before leaving] Like you have a clue
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [irritated] Jesus Christ, what the fuck already?
Carmela: [referring to the conflict between Tony and Meadow] Cut her some slack, she's under a lot of strain and you did start this
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [referring to Noah] Did you see? How I didn't rise to the bait? The mulligan? A lot of good it did me, does anybody!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [when Carmela ignores him] It's still going on