600 Best Tony Soprano Quotes
Tony: Well, when you're married, you'll understand the importance of fresh produce.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know, there's this Russian woman. She told me something that's very true. She said, only here, in America, do we expect to be happy. I mean this woman, she had a terrible leg disease since she was 9. She was dirt poor. She's getting on with her life. I mean, over here, we come and we bitch to shrinks. I mean, what the fuck?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Well, part of that may be true. But, who said that after getting out of the dirt and the poverty, do we have to stop looking for pain and truth?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Pain and truth? Come on, I'm a fat fucking crook from New Jersey.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I need you to give me a number of a good shrink
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Oh
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: For a girl I was seeing
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Remains silent]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Was?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah, I broke up with her and she tried to kill herself. She drank a quart of vodka, the fuckin ambulance came, pumped her stomach, and it cost me three grand
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: She should've been seen by the psychiatrist in the hospital
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: He was a Romanian and they have some beef that goes back centuries and she wouldn't talk to him
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you feel responsible for her suicide attempt?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I was bangin her for two years
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Was that a hard chip on her?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: That's cute, do you know how many women I've been through? I don't know why I just don't say "fuck it" with this one
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Why do you think?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well, she's a sweet kid underneath it all. I think she's seriously depressed
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You feel for her. I'm interested in why your ending it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What'd you mean "why"? Isn't that what I'm supposed to do? Aren't you telling me that all the time in here?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I don't think I ever passed judgment on your sex life or any patient's sex life
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Even if I'm twenty years older than her? And I'm married
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Surprised by his sudden fidelity to Carmella]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What's wrong with you?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Why now?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Why now? Because it's not fun anymore ok? Are you going to recommend someone or not?
Tony: It's in his blood, this miserable fuckin' existence. My rotten, fuckin' putrid genes have infected my kid's soul. That's my gift to my son.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I know all this is difficult but I'm very glad we're having this discussion.
Tony: Really, really? 'Cause I gotta be honest, I think it fuckin' sucks.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What does?
Tony: This. Therapy. I HATE this fuckin' shit! Seriously, we're both adults here, right? So after all is said and done, after all the complainin' and the cryin' and all the fuckin' bullshit... is this all there is?
Corrado: He was my younger brother. He was between me and your father in age. His name was Eckley. Actually, Ercoli. Hercules. Named after my grandfather.
Tony: What are you saying? I got another uncle?
Corrado: Sharp as a fucking cue ball. Yeah, I'm saying. Your father and me had a brother you didn't know about. It was different in those days. Mother and father didn't even speak the language. They couldn't take care of a kid like that. God bless your grandmother. She went to every charity home in this fucking state till she found one that she felt would take good care of him.
Tony: What are you saying, he was retarded?
Corrado: Why don't you go fuck yourself. He was slow! He was strong as a fucking bull, handsome like George Raft. If it was today, they might have trained him. Get him a job. They didn't understand these things back then.
Tony: I remember my mother and father arguing about - something. I don't know. She kept talking about my father's feeble-minded brother, but I always thought she meant you.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So, all the women in your house are gone. How do you feel about Carmella taking a trip without you?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Do we really have to fuckin talk about this?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Of course not. Before we end, is there anything you'd like to discuss?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Remains silent]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: OK
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: How about the fact that I hate my son? I come home and his sitting in front of the computer in his fuckin underwear. Wasting his time in some chit chat room going back and forth like some other fuckin jerk off giggling like a school girl. Fuckin smash his fuckin face in. My son, what'd you think about that?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Anthony, I think your anger towards AJ has been building up for some time, we have to deal with this
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: All I know is it's a good thing my father's not alive because let me tell you he'd find this fuckin hilarious
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Find what hilarious?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: The kind of son I produced
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You mean because Anthony doesn't conform to what your father's idea of what a man should be?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: His, mine, or anybody's. Let me tell you if Carmella let me kick AJ's ass like my father kicked my ass, he might've grown up with some balls
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Like you?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah like me
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: He might've also grown up taking out his anger and his father's brutality towards him on others. He might've grown up with a desperate need to dominate and control. Anthony we've been "dancing" around this for years: how you live, what is it you want from your life?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I couldn't even hit him if I wanted to. His so fuckin little, his Carmella's side of the family, they're small people. Her father, you could knock him over with a fuckin feather
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Ok but I have to point out: what you resent Carmella doing for AJ, protecting him from his father, is the very thing you had often wished your mother had done for you
Tony: [discussing a potential "business arrangement"] This could be major. Could be as good as garbage!
Christopher: Hey, garbage is our bread and butter!
Janice: Have you seen what she did?
Tony: Who?
Janice: Meadow: that house is fucked
Tony: I thought you didn't swear?
Carmela: [Entering the room] what are you talking about?
Janice: I am outraged. No, I am beyond outraged, talk about disgrace, disrespect for other people's property. That place looks like a shooting gallery, it smells of urine, there's puke all over the beautiful hardwood floors...
Tony: [Interrupts her, sarcastically] sounds like your apartment in Venice
Carmela: Don't worry about it: she's been punished
Janice: [Sarcastically] oh my God, three weeks without a credit card, that's some heavy shit there
Janice: You know if that was my child...
Tony: [Angrily interrupts her, slaps his bowl of cereal on the floor] you know what? Fuck this, you got a lot of fuckin balls, you know that?
Janice: Don't talk to me like that
Tony: No, let's "clear the air" here. You ride into town like the "mission come lately", trying to play the "concerned daughter" who the fuck are you kidding? Your just here to pick the friggin bones
Janice: [Sternly] there's a lot I could say that I'm not gonna say
Tony: [Before walking away, referring to her demeanor] a lot of balls
Janice: Temper tantrums: he hasn't changed one iota since we lived in Newark, not one iota
Carmela: You are passing judgment on him: on us as parents. I told you once already, how we discipline our children is none of anybody's business
Janice: You let that girl ride rough shot over you, some day your gonna regret it
Carmela: Mother of God, are all of you Sopranos the same? I asked you nicely to stay out of it, you pretend you don't hear me, well maybe you'll hear this? Mind your fucking business, keep your mouth shut when it comes to my kids alright?
Janice: [Feeling guilty] maybe I've stayed here too long?
Bobby: I'll tell ya what a gold mine is - those Harry Potter books. That's cause it gives the other kids, the 98-pound weaklings, some hope.
Ralph: Oh. Speaking of 98 pounds, I hear Ginny Sack's gettin' a 95-pound mole taken off her ass.
[all laugh]
Tony: Hey! Some guy's wife! Come on!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Any idea what my life would be worth if people knew I was in a laughing academy?
Silvio: [talking privately, referring to Feech La Manna] He's an egomaniac, always was, always will be. Nothing's ever good enough, praise, money. Comes into this office and starts ordering people around?
Tony: his old, how do you think that feels?
Tony: How's the new stock doing?
Gigi: Up three at the close of The Dow yesterday. Another two so far today
Tony: Beautiful
Gigi: Listen I think we may have a problem
Tony: Log off, that cookies shit makes me nervous
Gigi: I think we have a problem with our "friend" the twin
Tony: Yeah so?
Gigi: My Goomba Joey Flies, he hangs out at The Nest in Bloomfield. So our "friend's a fixture down there and Joey says lately his been into the booze "very heavy", his all fucked up. A couple times they had to help pick him off the floor. Patsy launches into this single malt diatribe about how people can still smile in your face and still be a villain. And that he knows how his brother died and whose responsible and all that there
Tony: He mention me by name?
Gigi: No, me neither
Tony: [to Paulie] you hearing this?
Paulie: How the fuck would know Patsy we clipped Spoons?
Tony: What? That "twin telepathy"?
Paulie: Somebody's putting ideas in this kid's head
Tony: [Sarcastically to Silvio] don't let us interfere with your golf game
Silvio: Maybe a cop trying to flip him, maybe getting him worked up over theories
Tony: He was talking weird the other day
Gigi: What should we do?
Tony: We brought him over from Junior's crew to keep an eye on him so that's we'll keep doing
Gigi: I mean make no mistake this guy must love you but it's got to be hard coming into work every day looking right into the eyes of the guy who ordered your brother whacked and even with a smile
Paulie: [Implying to kill him] we always have the option
Tony: [Driving in car] So what's goin' on with you?
A.J. Soprano: Nothin'.
Tony: Nothin. You know, that 'No God' shit. That upsets your mother very much.
A.J. Soprano: It's not 'No God'. It's 'God is dead.'
Tony: Who said that?
A.J. Soprano: [Misspeaks] Nitch. He's a 19th century philosopher from Germany. Anyway, that's why I'm not getting confirmed.
Tony: Enough with that shit, alright? Your confirmation's comin' up this weekend and you ARE gettin' confirmed!
A.J. Soprano: That sucks my nut!
Tony: [Lightly slaps AJ with the back of his hand] Ay! You got a lotta balls, you know that? You go to Catholic school and your mother wants it!
A.J. Soprano: Yeah, what does she know?
Tony: She knows that even if God IS dead, you're still gonna kiss his ass!
Carmela: You have made a fool of me for years with these whores. Now it's come into our home?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What are you talking about?
Carmela: The RUSSIAN called. Your son answered the telephone!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh, Jesus. Carmela, she's insane. She's certifiable, I told you. You can't believe a word she says, whatever it is, and we haven't seen each other like that, I swear to Christ!
Carmela: What about her cousin?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [realizing he's been caught] What? No.
Carmela: The nurse who took care of your mother, who I liked? Who I spoke to on the phone about your mother's alopecia and her bowel movements? Who I shared vodka with the night your mother died? You've been FUCKING her?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: There is not a shred of truth in that.
Carmela: Why would the cousin make it up, huh? Because she's jealous?
[she lunges at him and he grabs her and pins her to the wall]
Carmela: LET GO OF ME!
Furio: [while cursing in Italian caused by the pain from Dr. Freid removing the bullet from his right leg]
Christopher: Will you shut the fuck up? Your going to make him hit an artery
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Jokingly] you should thank God it didn't anything important
Furio: [to Tony while grabbing his shirt, referring Dr. Freid] this fucking prick is really a doctor?
Dr. Freid: [Noting his a urologist, before removing the bullet] close, I'm a "prick" doctor
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh F**k it's the chicken Vindaloo
[Carmela walks out of the bedroom]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: F*****g m***********g Wogs!
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: And you were feeling so positive
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It "flushed" over me
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You are dissolving a twenty year marriage
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It's not my mother fuckin God damn marriage ok? I had another panic attack and I thought I had this shit beat
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What happened?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I was playing golf with a friend of mine. He was talking about this young guy who passed away. I guess I became overcome with emotion because they had to help me off the tee. It's not the first time it's happened recently.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I wish you had told me
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well, I wished you cured it
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: When the attacks first reappeared, what was going on in your life?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You'd just reap off my affections
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: When you actually passed out, were you thinking about me?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: My cousin moved into my house and the cleaning girl was crying on the phone about her cousin went off the road in some Mexican bus wreck or something and I remember feeling inside on how I wanted to fuckin choke her because it was always something going on with her, then the next thing boom!
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Your cousin was at your house?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: "Tony uncle" whatever
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Correcting her] Uncle Al
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: And your maid was crying about her cousin?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: The other day at the golf course my cousin came into my head too
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: In what way?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: He hurt his foot
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You were so concerned about your cousin's foot you collapsed on the golf course? His a grown man isn't he? Is he in danger of losing his foot?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Fuck his foot, it's not the foot, forget the foot. I worry about him, his right out of jail ok? Look, the reason he went to jail is because he got pinched hijacking a truck of TV's in 1996 and they hooked him on a RICO and he got 17 years and I was supposed to be there the night of the hijacking
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I see
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh, you see
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Why didn't you go?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I got jumped by a bunch of Moulinyans, they were trying to take my shoes and I fought them off. They fuckin cut my head open, the fuckin jiggaboo cock suckin mother fuckers...
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Interrupts him] ok forget that, and your cousin went to prison, that's tremendous guilt to carry
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Referring to the military classification that is given to someone trying to join the military indicating that person is not acceptable for service because of medical reasons] If he went to Nam, I was 4-F and that's how our friends look at it
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: And that's why you favored tony Uncle Al
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know in 17 years I did so good, he lost his wife, and his daughter
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: No wonder why your having anxiety attacks
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Maybe if you came clean with him...
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Before beginning to breathe deeply, nods] yeah well
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You ok?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah, go on with what you were saying
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Are you having an attack now?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No, I had a huge lunch that's all, it's gas
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What is it Anthony?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Alright, the night he got pinched I had a fuckin panic attack from my mother God damn it. I didn't know what it was then
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: She's a great girl, you don't want to lose this one
Silvio: T's right, you could have more kids than the Kennedys, if you're married to some twat what good is it?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You've got to have balance in a relationship
Christopher: I know all that, what if the kid thing never happens?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Come on, medicine today, technology
Paulie: This isn't about Ade or anyone else, stay single as long as you can
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What are you saying?
Paulie: But marriage and our thing don't jive
Silvio: Everybody we know is married
Paulie: Not everybody
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You want to end up like my Uncle Junior?
Silvio: Or worse, Paulie?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Exactly
Christopher: Alright I've got to think about it
Tony: [referring to the birthday gift he bought her] The ring looks beautiful on you
Carmela: It is gorgeous: is there anything you need to tell me?
Tony: About the ring?
Carmela: I don't know, you didn't buy that little car you were talking about
Tony: Mercedes? I look like a douche bag in one of those
Carmela: Jean Cusamano calls your cars a midlife crisis mobiles
Tony: What the fuck does she know?
Tony: [when Carmela sighs] What?
Carmela: [referring to them dating] I don't know, I'm m not thrilled about this thing with Jackie and Meadow. I think she came home and he came over so they can go out tonight
Tony: So what? He's a good kid, comes from good stock
Carmela: His been on his best behavior lately, I can't deny that. I just never pictured Meadow with someone like him
Tony: Someone like him? His one of us
Tony: [referring to Noah Tannenbaum, her previous boyfriend, a Jewish African American] Don't tell me you were happy when she was going out with that Jamal Ginsberg, Hasidic homeboy?
Carmela: I just don't want her to miss the opportunities that are available to her: she should be at the Museum of Modern Art in her free time, not watching TV at Rosalie Aprile's
Tony: Oh, you'd rather have her look at pictures of soup cans than be close to home?
Carmela: [sighs] I don't know
Tony: Well, you talk to her and I'll talk to Jackie Jr.
Junior: [showing early stages of dementia] What are you asking him for? He never had what it took to be a varsity athlete.
Angelo: [confused] Your point being, Junior?
Tony: [covering for him] Don't mind him, he's just breakin' balls.
Ralph: [meeting privately in Tony's car] Economic downturn, that's all you hear about but not you boy. You got three hundred g's at the Esplanade
Anthony Tony Soprano Sr.: Yeah, good job
Anthony Tony Soprano Sr.: [as Ralphie takes off his seatbelt] Jackie Jr. call you?
Ralph: no, why?
Anthony Tony Soprano Sr.: He called me
Ralph: oh, I'm sorry
Anthony Tony Soprano Sr.: No, don't apologize. Anyway, I told him to take it up with you
Ralph: what'd you want me to do? You're the boss of the family...
Anthony Tony Soprano Sr.: [interrupts him] whoa, whoa, we talked about this: you were gonna give him a "pass"? But he should know, you don't want to create confusion, insubordination, but more importantly, your decision should happen in a "timely fashion"
Anthony Tony Soprano Sr.: [after Ralph sighs and nods] But fuck it, why am I telling you? You know all this: you're a captain: chain of command is very important in our "thing"
Ralph: I'm sorry he called your house
Anthony Tony Soprano Sr.: [sternly] Don't apologize
Phil: Highland project: your "slice" of no-shows, I spoke to the Union, we can't make five "work" no more, throwbacks. Not to mention, my end's way down
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: now more than ever, I got captains looking to me to "deliver" them the no-show jobs on the account of the medical insurance
Silvio: health care costs these days
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: bitch all you want about John, he understood that ours was a "mutually beneficial situation"
Phil: John's folding fuckin laundry in Danbury: it's on my shoulders to take care of the family, even though his boss just in "name", and I made a decision and with all due respect... it's final
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Sil] see, this is what I get?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Phil] I never should've let you "slide" on the vitamins
Phil: again, with the vitamins: you told me there were fifteen hundred cases of Centrum on that truck. When your nephew delivered it, there were cartons ripped open, pills all over the fuckin floor, anybody got "shorted"? It was "yours truly", but you know what?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after Phil takes out money] alright, alright, put it back in your pocket but I gotta get some "relief" on this "situation"
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Genetic predispositions are only that: predispositions. It's not a destiny written in stone. People have choices.
Tony: She finally offers an opinion!
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You think that everything that happens is preordained? You don't think that human beings possess free will?
Tony: How come I'm not making freakin' pots in Peru? You're born to this shit. You are what you are.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Within that, there is a range of choices. This is America!
Tony: Right... America.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know where I was yesterday when you called?
Dr: I don't know.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I was outside a whorehouse, while a guy that works for me was inside beating the shit out of a guy that owes me money. Broke his arm. Put a bullet in his kneecap.
Dr: How'd that make you feel?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Wished it was me in there.
Dr: Giving the beating or taking it?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Will I see you next week?
Tony: Unless you know something I don't
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Just so that you understand I have to charge you for the missed session
Tony: What'd you talking about?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: We agreed on that on our very first meeting
Tony: I know that but I just explained to you my situation
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I understand but it's important we respect the agreement
Tony: What if I got hit by a car?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: But you weren't
Tony: I know but what if?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: But you weren't
Tony: I know that but what if?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You weren't
Tony: Why don't you answer my fuckin question?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I will not
Tony: [Agitated, stands up removes a roll of cash and start tossing it on her coffee table] alright because this is what it's all about right? Mother fuckin cock suckin money here!
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I don't understand that comment and I don't appreciate being made to feel afraid
Tony: I don't appreciate feeling like I pour my heart out to a fuckin call girl
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Is that how you see me?
Tony: Not until now but it's obvious you don't give a SHIT about my situation or what's happening with me or you wouldn't be shaking me down
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It'll be shown as paid on next month's bill
Tony: Fine. Stick it up your ass
Tony: Uncle Junior and I, we had our problems with the Business. But I never should have razzed him about eating pussy. This whole war could have been averted. Cunnilingus and psychiatry brought us to this.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I work hard all day to pay for this six thousand-square foot house, big-screen TVs, food on the table, video games, all kinds of scooters and bicycles, Columbia University, and for what? To come home to this?
A.J. Soprano: Sucks to be you.
[slaps AJ]
Carmela: [gasps] My God, Tony!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: There's more where that came from! We're starting a new regime around here!
Paulie: [to all his friends while entering the Bing to his welcome home from prison party] Whattaya hear, whattaya say?
Tony: Youngstown my ass, look at this guy, it look like you were in Miami
Albert: Yeah you look like you were in Miami
Paulie: [while hugging him] good to home skip
Vito: What can I get you Paulie?
Paulie: After four months inside? How about laid?
Christopher: [Jokingly] I heard you getting "laid" up there all the time
Johnny: Ralph Cifaretto came by
Tony: [Jokingly] Yeah, what'd he want? A fully fueled jet and a safe trip to the Pope?
Johnny: His running scared since you canceled Thanksgiving dinner
Tony: [Quoting Sun Tzu] If your opponent is of choleric temper, irritate him
Johnny: He wants to apologize
Tony: Oh really?
Johnny: Would that put this to rest?
Tony: If it's sincere it might relieve me of a very unpleasant decision
Johnny: You know we're about to break ground on the Esplanade, we're talking about millions of dollars here, it wouldn't hurt either of us to have a point man that feels appreciated. I'm just saying it wouldn't hurt to throw him a bone
Tony: Like what?
Johnny: Capo?
Tony: No fuckin way. Never. You heard what he did the poor girl, she just had a twentieth birthday
Johnny: Capo is what he mentioned. I threw cold water on it right away but she was a whore
Tony: You know I don't want to talk about that situation again with anybody, you understand me?
Johnny: It was just a suggestion, keep a happy shop
Tony: Correct me if I'm wrong, didn't you say you weren't going to stick your beak in?
Johnny: Can't two friends talk?
Johnny: So, are you in on the bus station project?
Tony: Massarone is waiting on a number
Johnny: How's he doing?
Tony: Good, we had coffee. He used to bore me Jack, he ain't a bad guy once you get to know him
Johnny: I always liked him
Tony: I was very touched by that funeral the other day: a real heart grabber
Johnny: That fuckin Little Carmine and after what? Five years in Florida fixing wet t-shirt contests
Junior: [referring to the low number of people attending Jackie Jr.'s wake at Nuovo Vesuvio] Look at this crappy turnout, you know if Jackie Sr. was still Acting Boss, with a child passed away, this place would be filled to the rafters: flowered cars up and down the block, no matter what the boy had done
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Bobby says you're out from under the house arrest, congratulations
Junior: My fuckin lawyer was finally able to demonstrate I'm not a "flight risk". Flight risk? I've been farting into the same sofa cushion for the last eighteen months, my RICO trial is coming up
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: At least you're out and can eat regular food again
Junior: Fuckin illness changed my whole view point. I'm gonna "stop and smell the roses"
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: We all should, I mean what the fuck?
Tony: [while on a fishing boat] What, you're not hungry?
Paulie: My fuckin stomach
Tony: When you went down below, I thought I saw a whale
Paulie: No shit
Tony: Made me think of Ginny Sack
Paulie: [amused] Heh
Tony: That joke Ralph made about her, that was some funny shit: gotta have a sense of humor, right?
Paulie: Yeah
Tony: I heard she took some office job, selling insurance. It was you who told him, right? It's no big deal, I can hardly resist
Paulie: Grapevine, I don't know
Tony: yeah
Paulie: He was a funny prick, that Ralph, Gladiator fixation, the time he hit Georgie in the eye with the chain
Tony: I would've loved to see John's face when he heard that crack. Always holier than now because he didn't fuck other women
Tony: [while visiting him in the hospital] listen, do me a favor? Don't listen to these fuckin doctors, when it comes to spinal injuries, everything's a mystery to them: Paulie, he had this cousin got ran over by a forklift and broke his back. The guy's dancing Tango competitions
Beansie: [after Tony helps him wipe his nose] thanks, I might not be able to wipe my own ass, you know that?
Tony: The nose is as far as I'm willing to go
Tony: [as Tony sits closer] you're a thousand percent sure it was Richie Aprile driving that car?
Beansie: A thousand percent? No, a fuckin a million percent. Let me tell you something: his lucky I ain't no rat fuck because the law knows that wasn't no "random" hit and run
Tony: Hey, don't start talkin foolish. We're "old school", right? We "wash" our own "dirty laundry"
Tony: [When he doesn't respond] hey, am I right?
Tony: Grandpa. Did he ever work for somebody named Trillo? He owned a lumber yard?
Junior: My father was a master stone mason. He never cut fucking wood.
Tony: [to Christopher as he walks up to their table in front of Satriale's, referring to their predetermined time to meet] Hey, I said four o'clock.
Christopher: The fuck? I leave before the stock market closes, you yell at me for not watching the phone guys.
Tony: [to Christopher as he gestures to Richie] Meet Richie Aprile.
Christopher: [to Richie] Jesus Christ, how're you doing? Your brother was like a fucking god, great leader! I also heard a lot about you.
Richie: Yeah, and I heard a lot about you. That's why I'm here.
Christopher: What do you mean?
Richie: [referring to Tony] Out of respect for our "friend" here, I'm gonna talk nice. You ever raise your hand to my niece again, next time you won't see my face. You understand?
Christopher: Who told you I put my hand on her?
Richie: [to Tony] is this kid getting jerky with me?
Tony: [Tony Soprano shakes his head]
Richie: Look kid, I shouldn't have to explain myself. I'm from the "old-school". You wanna raise your hand, you give her your last name. Then it's none of my fuckin' business. Until then, keep your hands in your pockets. We understand each other? Now get outta here, I wanna talk to Tony.
Tony: [to Christopher, after Christopher and Richie shake hands] Go ahead.
Christopher: Well, regarding Phil, I gotta ask. Whatever happened to "stop and smell the roses"?
Tony: You're right, you're right. You can't fight every fucking battle, right? Asbestos.
[laughs]
Tony: Each day's a gift.
Christopher: Every time I look at my kid, that's what I realize.
Tony: And that shit with Junior? Please. It's just that people like Phil, they're not on that page. They'll take those roses and stick 'em up your ass, thorns first.
Tony: [while they drive to Bobby's cabin in the Adirondack Mountains, while watching her rummaging through her purse] you gonna relax?
Carmela: [referring to the poor cell phone reception in that area, nervously] it's just all this "little stuff", like my phone that has one little bar left up here. I mean, what if the brokers try and contact me? The inspection on my house is on Tuesday and the gas is still off
Tony: [after his cell phone rings] mine works, hello?
Neil: [over the phone] Essex County dropped the charges, I told you it was a piece of shit case: two years old, no "decent" prints, Santa Claus could've dropped that gun in the snow
Tony: [to Carmela] they dropped the charges
Tony: [to Neil, before hanging up] well, I'd say I owe you one" but I'm sure it's more than "one", thanks again
Silvio: [to Bobby Baccalieri after he walks in] you're late
Tony: [Meeting privately with Bobby after business hours in the back of Satriale's Pork Store with Pussy, Paulie, and Silvio,present, referring to Bobby as the last member of Junior's crew that's still alive] Bobby Baccalieri: "the last man standing"
Bobby: I don't want to say nothing
Salvatore: You don't want to get yourself in trouble
Tony: A lot of funerals in your corner of the world huh Bobby? Don't look at the floor, look at me. I want you to talk to that bald cock sucker who calls himself "my brother's father." Tell him we're going to let him keep on earning: "subsistence level." He'll be able to pay his defense lawyers
Bobby: Alright, let me say for him: thank you
Tony: Now you're going to hear some "high end" shit and A, I hope you can understand it and B I hope you keep it between this room and Junior because if you don't I promise you they're going to find you in eight different dumpsters
Bobby: I inherited Junior. I don't think you got the reasons to talk to me this way. I always liked you
Tony: Bullshit, but we'll assume you do now. You tell my uncle he gets to keep five percent of his shy, the sports betting, same with the coke, the joint union is all his ok?
Tony: Now bobby listen, this is very important: he also gets to keep his "stripes", as far as the Feds are concerned they got the boss of this family in jail awaiting trial and if they hear different it creates confusion
Bobby: Got it
Tony: As far as the rest of Junior owns, it's all mine
Bobby: I'll get this to him Tony
Tony: That's it
Bobby: Unintentionally misquotes the words of Senator William L. Marcy. "To the victor, belongs the spoils"
Tony: Why don't you get the fuck out of here before I shove your quotations book up your fat fuckin ass?
Tony: I'm depressed.
Carmela: I'm telling you. Don't you start now.
Tony: What does that mean?
Carmela: It means what it means. I have enough on my plate, I don't need you adding to it with your bullshit.
Tony: Bullshit? It's an illness and it's fuckin' hereditary.
Carmela: Thank you, I know. I am intimately acquainted with the Soprano curse. Your father, your uncle, your great-grandfather who drove the donkey cart off the road in Avellino, all of it.
Tony: Oh, you think it's a joke?
Carmela: Am I laughing?
Tony: Well, then what are you sayin'?
Carmela: He didn't get it from my family. That's all I'm gonna say.
Tony: Your family don't even talk. Your father's so bottled up it's a wonder he's even got a stomach left.
Carmela: Yeah, as opposed to yours.
Tony: At least my father was out front about what was botherin' him.
Carmela: Right, with a bullet through your mother's beehive hairdo.
Janice: [while in his basement as he organizes his wine collection] I just wanted to say... thank you
Tony: Your welcome
Janice: [becoming emotional] No one's ever done something so...
Tony: [interrupts her] It's ok, really
Carmela: [to Tony while walking down the stairs, referring to dinner] You got the wine? We're almost ready
Carmela: [after seeing Janice crying] What happened?
Tony: [as Carmela hugs Janice] She's happy about the house
Carmela: Oh, honey, it's ok
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Last week we talked about you feeling like the "sad clown"
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Remains silent, takes a deep sigh]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What's going on now?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well, I had a dream the other night. I was riding in a Cadillac like my father used to have. Carmella was driving. I was in the back passenger seat. Sitting next to me was Gloria. Sitting in front of me next to Carmella was a business associate of mine. His the one whose son had the accident. I don't know where we were going, no place. We didn't seem to be going anywhere, kind of like this therapy. And it was hot in the car: it was stuffy. There was no air conditioning and that's all of it. Oh and my friend had a caterpillar on his head and turned into a butterfly
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Has your friend recently changed?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Not "friend", business associate, and no
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What'd you think the dream means?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Can't you just fuckin what the fuckin dream means? I mean you obviously know. Why do we have to go through this exercise every time?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I don't obviously know. I didn't have the dream. The meaning is illicit, it's re-verbalization
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Remains silent, waiting for her to explain his dream]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: OK your wife,your mistress, a business associate, you, all in the same car? Your father's car
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: With my wife driving, which if my father were alive he wouldn't have stood for it for two fuckin seconds
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I hear anger
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No, I'm just saying the old guys were different: men in the front, wives in the back
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You like that arrangement
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Jokingly] actually I think the wife should ride in a little cart behind the car like in the cartoons. Like behind Noah's ark there's a little boat with skunks
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So, wives are skunks?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh Jesus fuckin Christ, it's a fuckin joke, does it have to be fuckin cancer hospital in here?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: But Carmella is in control in the dream
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Why? Because she's driving?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Whatever is going on with the other two, you want to square it with Carmella?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Why?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: That's what we need to find out. Freud said dreams are wishes
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Dreams are wishes? I thought you said dreams represent "repressed urges"
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It depends
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know I ought to quit this therapy. Maybe it's this, maybe it's that. What about impulse control? I've been sitting in this chair for four fuckin years and still nothing's been done about that, and it leads me to make mistakes in my work. What good did you do about that?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Let's get back to the dream
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh fuck the dream, it's just a dream. Jesus Christ the money I've been dropping in here I could've bought a Ferrari. At least I would've got a blow job out of that
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What'd you mean?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Please huh? Don't get me started
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I think your glossing over the significant accomplishments we've made in here
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [sarcastically, recalling her diagnosis] "oh my mother would cum if she looked at a pot roast", oh your second in the birthing order", oh Carmella's driving the car", "oh how fuckin interesting"
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: When you first came here you were clinically depressed. You suffered from panic attacks that put your life in danger. There's been significance relief in both those areas
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah but come on, I've coming here for four years now. I've been a good sport
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after Junior hung up the phone, referring to Donnie K] oh, your sending a fruit basket to the kid, he'll appreciate it
Junior: [Referring to his lawyer] It's for Mel, the poor guy had a stroke, can you believe it? His younger than me
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Melvoin? Jesus Christ that's terrible
Junior: [Referring to the Italian-American slang for stupid or crazy] That's why I asked you to come over. His speech, he'll sound a little" stunad", probably forever, but get this: nine months maybe a year before he could work a full schedule, they'll have to postpone my retrial
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No shit
Junior: The question is should I use this to stall, then get a lawyer who's more with it?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So, you heard about this thing with Phil and John?
Junior: Bobby said something about this
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You're losing money apparently
Junior: Yeah? How much?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I don't know, you got to talk to him
Junior: John?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Bobby, does John do your collections?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Look, what'd you think? Phil's just beat one of our guys to an inch of his life, next time his going to kill somebody. What can I do? His my cousin
Junior: [Confused, distracted] did I give him the office address or the home?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [while Junior looks through his phone book] I'm talking to you
Junior: The man had a stroke, do you want it to go to the wrong place? Its fruit, it'll rot
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Hey, I pinned myself into a corner here and I don't see a way out
Junior: But he wasn't made right? The kid? Phil's son
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after realizing Junior is developing dementia] it's ok, forget it
Junior: [When seeing Tony shaking his head] I'm sorry Anthony but I'm fuckin all nonplussed with all this news
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Frankly I don't know, it's got a "squirrelly" in this house
Junior: Tell Phil
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Tell Phil what?
Junior: [as Tony stands up to leave] where you going? You wanted to confer with me?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No, it's not important. Make sure you eat a little lunch today
Tony: [drunk] Carmela, I didn't hurt nobody.
Carmela: [when Tony returns home] I thought you were at Raymond's birthday dinner?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: left early
Carmela: nice to be home: there's chicken parm. Was Christopher there?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: no
Carmela: did you know that him and Adriana broke up?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: no, this kid, that's his trouble, he keeps it all "bottled up", then they wonder why they get chemical dependencies?
Carmela: do you think there was somebody else?
Carmela: [after he shrugs] because there was this one night: it was way back, movie night with the girls. Adriana was very upset, and she wanted to get "something" off her chest, then she just ran out of there crying. I bet she was seeing somebody?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: you never know about people
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [referring to Ralph] Who got you those no-show jobs? And not a word of gratitude
Paulie: [sarcastically] e's a saint: You forget the thousand incidents with that guy?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [while showing the envelop of money Ralph gave him, referring to Ralph's son hospitalized after an accident] A kid in the hospital, just take a look on how he fuckin earns
Paulie: [referring to the prank phone call his mother received] I know it was that miserable prick that called ma at the home: they had to put her on Xanax just so she could sleep. She was in the hospital unit for nervous bowl syndrome
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Whatever "happened" there, "that" was fucked up
Paulie: [surprised, irritated by Tony's lack of concern] Fucked up?
Christopher: You don't know it was him
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [gestures to Christopher] Listen to your friend here
Paulie: And I'll promise you something else: on my old man's grave, I get proof it was him, he's a fuckin corpse
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Nobody's killing anybody
Paulie: All due respect, there's a "line in the sand" when it comes to mothers
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You lay a hand on him, and your gonna answer to me: if you can quote the rules, you can fuckin obey them, you hear me?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [when he doesn't respond] Don't just look at me, this is a business: did you hear what I said?
Tony: There was a time, Mead, when the Italian people didn't have a lot of options.
Meadow: You mean like Mario Cuomo?
[Tony stares at her]
Meadow: Sorry.
Tony: You know I put food on the table. My father was in it. My uncle was in it. Maybe I was too lazy to think for myself. To consider myself... A rebel. Maybe being a rebel in my family would have been selling patio furniture on route 22.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [over the phone] good morning
Assemblyman Zellman: hey, what's up?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: you heard about this protest with the Indians and Columbus Day?
Assemblyman Zellman: yeah, I heard about it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: well, we need "someone" to make it "go away"
Assemblyman Zellman: oh, boy that's a tough one. A real "hot potato", nobody wants to "touch it"
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: we just want a peaceful parade like we've had for years with no interference, what's wrong with that?
Assemblyman Zellman: well, it's the First Amendment, it's Native Americans, very "sensitive" stuff: my hands are tied on this one... sorry
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: yeah, fine
Assemblyman Zellman: I will be attending the parade as always, you have my support there
Julianna: [At Christopher's wake] hi
Tony: How are ya?
Tony: [Introducing them to each other] Julianna Skiff, this is my wife Carmela Soprano
Julianna: [Correcting him on pronouncing her last name] Skiff
Tony: Oh, right
Tony: [to Carmella] Julianna is a real estate in the old neighborhood
Carmela: And you knew Christopher?
Julianna: I used to buy my meat at Satriale's and I'm a recovering addict. I owe him a lot
Carmela: That's nice to hear
Tony: What're you going to do?
Julianna: Nothing you can do
Tony: But I'll tell ya somethin', I was proud to be Johnny Soprano's kid. When he beat the shit outta that guy, I went to the class, I told them how tough my father was.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you think that's how your son feels about you?
Tony: Yeah, probably. And I'm glad. I'm glad if he's proud of me. But that's the bind I'm in 'cause I don't want him to *be* like me.
Carmela: [after Tony arrives home] Oh, thank God, where is the number of the therapist Melfi gave you?
Tony: Why? What happened?
Carmela: Your daughter, she's going to Europe: dropping out of school and going all over the place on a Euro pass
Tony: What, is she fucking kidding?
Carmela: Apparently not, her passport from the Christmas in the Bahamas is still valid
Tony: Where is she?
Carmela: I don't know, down the shore
Tony: Oh, I suppose all these parties she goes to are all memorials for Jackie Jr., right?
Carmela: Please with the yelling
Tony: So, what the fuck is in Europe?
Carmela: Experience, "real life", art
Tony: You know I knew when this constant "harping" on art was gonna cause trouble
Carmela: She's going to work in publicity with some friend of Misty's and going to make a movie in Denmark. I think we should call that therapist
Tony: She's going back to school: they got counselors there, better ones, Ivy league ones. No fucking way she's going to Europe
Carmela: Fine
Tony: [After killing Tony B to prevent him from being tortured by Phil, telling Johnny Sack over the phone where Tony B's body is] He's at 146 Route 9A, Kinderhook
Tony: [Referring to how his children socialize with their friends] My girl did the same thing, at his age, always in a group, what's that about?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What's it about for you?
Tony: In my day a boy and a girl went on a date and your father hoped you wouldn't get too far or else you'd get the girl knocked up and her parents would come over and break your legs
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I don't think it's about him going to the mall with a group that bothered you, it was that he wanted to go to mall instead of the movies with you
Tony: Well, his getting to that age where his got a life of his own
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: One that doesn't include you
Tony: It was always "we'll do this", "we're going to do that..."
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Not so fast I've heard you many times about being with your son
Tony: Yeah well that's over now... gone... done
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Its bitter sweet this period, you're glad they're growing up but you're sad to lose them
Tony: [Intentionally changing the subject] I could be going away, for a very long time for something I didn't do
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Remains silent]
Tony: [Offended by her not showing any emotions, sarcastically] how about "gee that's too bad Anthony" or "what a shame Tony"
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: We can't go into specifics on this
Tony: Well, here's something "specific", I didn't do anything wrong, we're not suppose to talk about it. I could be going to the can for the rest of my life and I'm not supposed to discuss it with my psychiatrist? What the fuck are you for anyway?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: How does that make you feel? The idea that you might be sent to prison
Tony: I've just got to stay around a little while for the kids, especially my boy. Once his out of the house the government can do whatever the fuck they want to do, give me life, give me the chair, whatever they want
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I've never seen you like this
Tony: Like what?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Scared
Tony: [Amused] you know I wouldn't use that word but sometimes I feel, I don't know, you mother fuckers, you know I don't fuckin deserve this
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Intentionally changing the subject] how's your medication?
Tony: [Shifting in his seat]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Sensing he feels uncomfortable] Maybe we should stop
Carmela: Your father and I have discussed your punishment
Tony: Your grounded for a month. That means no Nintendo, no DVD's, no skate boards
Carmela: And no computer
A.J. Soprano: I use the computer for school
Carmela: Get the typewriter out of the basement
A.J. Soprano: Dad threw it out
Carmela: Then use a pen. It worked for Einstein, it can work for you
Tony: On top of that you're going to work your little ass off around here which you should have been doing anyway
A.J. Soprano: OK
Tony: OK or not, you got no choice. Number one you go to the garage and clean it out, make it neat and organized
Carmela: Jackie Jr. did that the other day
Tony: [to Carmela] See what I'm saying about him?
Tony: [to AJ] You know you ought to take a few lessons from Jackie Aprile. Get your act together, the kid's pre-med at Rutgers and finds time to come down here and help out
Carmela: And your going to clean the gutters
A.J. Soprano: What gutters?
Tony: On the roof
A.J. Soprano: Where?
Tony: On the edge, the things that collect the water?
A.J. Soprano: I don't know what you mean
Tony: [Assuming AJ is playing dumb to get out of the punishment] Don't get smart with me
A.J. Soprano: I don't know
Tony: [Surprised to see Richie answering the door at Tony's mother's house early in the morning] the fuck you doing here? Where's my sister?
Richie: Store, I'm making breakfast, want some eggs?
Tony: Do I want some eggs? Why don't you put your fuckin pants on?
Richie: Let's have some coffee
Tony: So what the fuck? The mattress in the shelter a little too lumpy?
Richie: [Referring to Janice] We're adults, and we got history together
Tony: Yeah: Israel and fuckin Palestine
Richie: People change. I was away a long time, I thought a lot about her
Tony: Ten years, you thought about Janice? There are men in the can better looking than my sister. I hope you're not thinking about moving in here
Richie: It's late, I slept over. We're taking it slow ok? Picking up where we left off
Tony: High school: grabbing blowjobs on my mother's couch
Richie: You crossed the line on me once, I held my tongue, she may be your sister, back the fuck off... all due respect
Tony: [Sternly] respect? What the fuck do you know about respect? I put you back in business you cocksucker
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Silvio] All due respect, you got no fuckin' idea what it's like to be Number One. Every decision you make affects every facet of every other fuckin' thing. It's too much to deal with almost. And in the end you're completely alone with it all.
Tony: Twenty years I've been friends with John. Now he's gotta go.
Christopher: All over a stupid joke.
Ralph: [to Silvo, Christopher and Tony] I was fuckin' around for chrissakes! You never made a joke about Ginny Sack?
Tony: Of course not.
Silvio: No, never.
Christopher: Not like that.
Ralph: Yeah, well fuck him and his highfalutin bullshit. Who does he think he is, Sir Walter Raleigh?
Tony: That's enough of you and your stupid fucking remarks! Go back to Miami and play volleyball, or whatever the fuck it is you do down there, while we clean up your fucking mess! Maybe, even keep your ass alive.
Carmela: [after Tony slapped AJ causing him to run upstairs] The school guidance counselor said this might be a cry for help
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh, come on will ya?
Carmela: She recommended a school in New Brunswick: Bernwod Dei, it's for troubled kids. There's a psychologist right on staff
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No, no more fuckin schools that coddle him. His going to military school
Carmela: What?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: That's right I got some brochures
Carmela: You got school brochures?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah from Janice. She was going to send Harpo there but she didn't have the money and it was too fuckin late
Carmela: I'm not sending him away
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: We're looking at those brochures!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know, when you asked me what Irina's cousin had, that you don't have? Well, I thought about it, 'cause it's a pretty good fucking question. And yes, she's sexy enough even with the one pin gone, but that's not it. I could converse with her 'cause she had something to say.
Carmela: I AM HERE! I have things to say!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Besides bringing the fuckin' chairs down and sign the fucking trust! She was a grown fuckin' woman who was kicked around. And she's been on her own and she had to fight and struggle!
Carmela: Unlike me? Is that it?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah.
Carmela: [shouting] Who the fuck wanted it like this? Who the fuck pissed and moaned of just the idea of me with a fucking real estate license?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well, you sit back for 20 fucking years all you did was fiddle with the air conditioning and fucking bitch and complain! And fucking bitch, bitch, bitch to me! TO YOUR PRIEST! FUCK IT!
Carmela: Who knew all this time you wanted Tracy and Hepburn? Well Tony, what about all the thousand other fucking pigs you had your dick in over the years? The strippers, the cocktail waitresses, were they all your best friends all of them too?
[pause]
Carmela: You fucking hypocrite.
Tony: Got any blow?
Richie: [Surprised] what?
Tony: Blow, coke, you don't keep it on you? I've got to go to the deli in Nutley?
Richie: Tony...
Tony: [Interrupts him] you don't sell that shit along those routes you understand me?
Richie: I'm working with Junior on this
Tony: I don't give a shit if you're working with Wal-Mart, knock it the fuck off
Richie: I'm trying to earn here, we're saving for a house
Tony: You got enough on your plate just picking up garbage
Richie: Not if you and that cock sucker Borone won't let me "expand"
Tony: Are you stupid? Or what? After five years the cops are finally leaving garbage alone. A drug bust on one of those routes is a different story, you got the FBI, you got the DEA, and all those fuckin pricks are going to breathing down our necks again
Richie: It's a little coke, what is the big deal?
Tony: You and my uncle, you want to deal drugs? That's your business. You do it on association garbage routes it's my business. It stops today, you got it?
Richie: [Remains silent, while staring]
Tony: [Telling him to stop staring] don't give me your fuckin Manson lamps. Just fucking stop. Another thing: don't tip our truck on a problem customer. You know I fuckin hate how you make me fuckin ride you. Now get the fuck out of here
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know what they say: Revenge is like serving cold cuts.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I think it's "Revenge is a dish best served cold."
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What did I say?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: At your age, with your situation, you need another kid like you need a fucking hole in the head. You're young, you still got your figure and you're making money.
Tracee: So you think I should get an abortion?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Believe me, with Ralphie as the father, you would be doing this kid and the next few generations a favour.
Artie: Any word from your Ivy Leaguer? And how's Carmella with the "empty nest"?
Tony: What "empty"? every five minutes Meadow's home with a laundry bag but she's hauling food out, why'd she talk about Berkeley when she could barely make it over the George Washington Bridge?
Artie: We created too nice of a home life for them, they don't want to go out to the world. But hey, they're closer to us than we were with our parents, that's not such a bad thing
Tony: [to Jackie Jr. implying that his late] what time is it?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: I'm here aren't I? Out of respect to my father
Furio: [Sensing Tony wants to talk to Jackie Jr. in private and leaves the table] I have to make a phone call
Tony: [Gestures to an empty seat] sit down
Tony: You want something to eat?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: Not hungry
Tony: [Jokingly] that's too bad. I said "lunch meat"
Tony: Want a drink?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: [Shakes his head]
Tony: Lose the glasses
Jackie Aprile Jr.: [Moves the sunglasses to the top of his head]
Tony: Now I'm going to say a few things: I'm going to say some bad words, and your just going to have to deal with it. Now I know what your thinking. Your thinking I clipped your uncle. On the one hand you'd be a shit head to believe me if I told you I didn't do it. But I didn't. I got some news for you. Your uncle was a rat
Jackie Aprile Jr.: [Suddenly stands up in anger] no fuckin way
Tony: Sit down, sit the fuck down
Tony: Your uncle was a rat and now his in the witness protection program
Jackie Aprile Jr.: That's my father's brother your talking about
Tony: Jackie, I'm a member of your family almost, you think I'm the only one that knows this about Richie? You ask anybody. This hurt all of us
Jackie Aprile Jr.: [Beginning to be convinced by Tony] Jesus Christ
Tony: Your dad and me, you know how close we were? He never wanted this for you. He wanted you to be a doctor
Jackie Aprile Jr.: Give me a fuckin break
Tony: Let me tell you something: besides the money which is a shit load of, a doctor is a very powerful position
Jackie Aprile Jr.: I'm no doctor. Do you know how hard you have to work to get your MD? How many years it takes? I was even thinking maybe Osteopathy, but I don't think I have the grades for that even
Tony: But your not going to drop out of Rutgers are you?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: No, but those fuckin Pre-med courses almost killed me. I only did it because my dad was sick
Tony: But you should know he never wanted this life for you. And I'll tell you something: I don't want it for my son either
Tony: You alright?
Paulie: [referring to Christopher] I know I had my differences with that kid, but maybe I didn't do right by him, neither. If you were his dad, I was his Dutch uncle. And what the fuck did I do but get pissed off? Fight with him over cocksuckin', fuckin' money? And break his balls when he tried not to have a drink or a little taste of snow.
Tony: it's over Paulie
Carmela: [while reading the newspaper] this mad cow disease, I think it's terrible the English government didn't tell people sooner
Tony: [Jokingly] they probably didn't want to create a stampede
Carmela: Oh by the way, guess which former medical student is no longer dating Ms. "Queen of Mean"?
Tony: You're kidding? Jackie Jr. and Meadow are finished?
Carmela: [Nodding] frankly I am delighted. Angie Bonpensiero said Kevin told her that Jackie Jr. was smoking marijuana and he was caught cheating on an exam at Rutgers
Tony: Oh gee, that bad?
Carmela: [Referring to Noah Tannenbaum] she would've been better off with that black kid. His got a 4.0 GPA and his moving to India for the U.N. I told you
Tony: I suppose that's my fault
Carmela: [Before answering the phone when it rings] she wasted three months with Jackie Jr.
Carmela: [Over the phone] Hello
Gloria: Mrs. Soprano, Gloria Trillo, Globe Motors
Carmela: Oh course Hi, how are you?
Gloria: I hope I'm not calling you at a bad time but the new E320 just came in and I thought you might want to take a look at it
Carmela: Oh no I don't think so, thank you though. I still have another year on my lease
Gloria: Well, run it by your husband, maybe he'll want to treat you
Carmela: Ok maybe I will. Thank you for calling
Gloria: OK bye, hope to see ya
Carmela: [Before hanging up] bye bye
Carmela: [to Tony] What a nice woman
Tony: Who?
Carmela: Some sales woman from Globe Motors
Tony: What?
Carmela: She wants me to test-drive the new E series wagon and I'm not interested but she was awfully nice to me the other day. She gave me a ride home while they serviced the wagon but I really should hold onto it for another year don't you think?
Tony: Another year, yeah
Assemblyman Zellman: [while in the sauna room] summer of sixty-seven we're both home on break. I was interning at the state legislature, what were you doing?
Maurice: East Newark Co-op
Assemblyman Zellman: Right but come July
Tony: The Newark riots
Ralph: What a fuckin summer that was
Assemblyman Zellman: Later that year Maurice and I have to organize one of the first all black voting drives
Tony: Maurice, were you around for Anthony Imperiale? The "white knight"?
Maurice: Around? Who do you think he was fighting against?
Assemblyman Zellman: Italian pride "keep Newark white"
Maurice: Spying Klansman: some of those boys
Ralph: So, this group you got now, the Urban Housing League, what's the story there?
Maurice: Like many non-profits, we've fallen on hard times. Republican administration plus proliferation of new charities post 9/11
Tony: Sounds like you three got a lot to talk about. I'm going to hit the showers. Maurice: nice meeting ya
Maurice: Same here
Assemblyman Zellman: I took the liberty of filling in Maurice on the broad strokes
Ralph: Ok we got a guy Dr. Fried, his an Urologist. We're going to give him half a million of our money, have him grab these four houses on Garside Street for a hundred and twenty-five a piece
Maurice: The old first ward
Ralph: Once we own the houses we got an appraiser who'll "play ball" and his going to appraise them in the three hundred thousand dollar range. What you do Maurice is you take the phony appraisals to HUD tell them the Urban Housing League will buy these shit holes and convert them into low cost housing for working families
Ralph: Once HUD guarantees the mortgage app you take it to the bank, they cut a check and we work it up nice
Maurice: At which I assume my organization fails to make the mortgage payments
Assemblyman Zellman: Unforeseen construction delays and repeated vandalism forced the project into disillusion. We all walk away from the houses
Ralph: Your cut will be in the ten percent of the profit range
Assemblyman Zellman: My office will write a letter in strong support of your application
Maurice: Sounds about right
Marie: [talking privately] I really appreciate you letting me see you and you've been so descent about everything since Vito's death, I just don't know who else
Tony: [seeing her become emotional] Alright, alright come on, come on. What can I do?
Marie: [referring to her son] It's little V, the social worker said his just acting out
Tony: Social worker?
Marie: Kids' stuff mostly, but so angry. Although, some of what his being accused of it's just persecution. They claim he hung the Patruzo's cat on the garage door but it's totally unfounded
Tony: Well, in a way, it's to be expected with Vito passing and all that entrails
Marie: I think the only solution is to move away: from that house, the kids at school
Marie: [while reaching into her purse to take out a piece of paper with the details written on it] I figured it out, I know it's a lot but four hundred thousand, my friend Cheryl lives in Orono, Maine, by the university and there's this two-story cape with solid schools, you always said if there's anything you can do
Tony: [nods] Sure, have you talked to his uncle?
Marie: Who?
Tony: Phil
Marie: [shakes her head] Phil's not his uncle: him and I are second cousins
Tony: Before we get too drastic here and uproot Little Vito and all of you from your friends and family, I should talk to him
Marie: His impossible to talk to
Tony: It's not easy to substitute for a dad, I know but maybe... I can fill in here?
Marie: [when he stands up] Ok, but you'll think about it?
Tony: Believe me, I'm gonna take care of you and his gonna be ok
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I brought you some books on tape since you say you can't concentrate to read.
Livia: I wish The Lord would take me now!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well... in the meantime.
Tony: Free spirit Janice! Rebel without a cause! While I sit here mired in her bullshit, trying to be a good son, while you're off dropping acid and blowing roadies!
Bobby: [aghast] Roadies?
Tony: Oh, you don't wanna know!
Richie: [about Janice] We're adults, Tony. And we got history together.
Tony: Yeah. Israel and fuckin' Palestine.
Richie: People change. I was away a long time. I thought a lot about her.
Tony: Ten years, you thought about Janice? There are men in the can better looking than my sister.
Tony: [Eventually telling her what he wants to talk about today] I know I'm on probation and I deeply regret what I did: my nephew's fiancee
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Remains silent]
Tony: I know what you're thinking
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So?
Tony: Nothing happened but it could've very easily. She really got to me, this young lady
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Nods]
Tony: What?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: This is a very big step
Tony: Yeah, tell me about it
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I mean you come here to talk about this impulse instead of just acting on it without thinking
Tony: I always think
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Really?
Tony: Yeah
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Having sex with your mistress's cousin, like the mistress wasn't enough to piss off your wife?
Tony: [Remains silent]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Tell me about the niece
Tony: She's drop dead gorgeous, with someone like her I could do it right this time. I could start a whole new family
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: This is something you're contemplating?
Tony: What? It'd be a disaster. Of major proportions. Carmella I can "hose" financially there'd no reason with her after that and my nephew, it'd kill him. After years of grooming him to be my number two. It'd be very bad for the young girl, she doesn't deserve that. I know I'm not stupid and I'm part of this "father figure" thing and account of hers ran off
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It would be like committing an act of "symbolic incest"
Tony: Whatever, what am I going to do? I got lucky the first time because I was able to control myself but you only get one of those
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Rationalizing "I can't control myself." You can
Tony: [Eventually points to his head] I don't know, it's different for women, it's all about up here with them
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: She could make a play for you, you might want to think about going to establish limits and boundaries. For example, you can tell her she means a great deal to you but you think of her as a daughter
Tony: Even if I want to fuck her brains out?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: This is a mild stone for you. You're at a very important crossroads. For once you want to avoid doing something you know is wrong and would be destructive both to yourself and to the people you care about. That's growth. That's progress
Tony: Tell me what I'm supposed to do
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You have to be honest with yourself. I know this is a powerful urge but if you can't keep it in your pants you have to stay away from her. You know, not long ago you stood in my outer office. I recall you used the words "drop dead gorgeous" about me and how you had to have me. I said I wouldn't date you and look, you survived
Tony: What a horrible fuckin job you have. How do you do it?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What happens now is your choice. Act and create a "bed of misery" or you can look at this as a chance to do something good. You say she respects you. Be worthy of respect. See if you remain a friend to this woman. A help to her.
[Tony dismisses a Bada Bing girl after Coach Don Hauser declines some VIP treatment]
Tony: Brandy, go, uh, sit on a tuffet.
Christopher: [At the Cleaver movie premiere after party, walking up to him] what?
Tony: [Hugs him, referring to the resemblance of a character in the movie] what? I'll give you a "what", fuckin boss down in the cellar, wearing a white bathrobe, where'd you get that?
Christopher: I don't know. "Artistic choice"
Tony: Seriously though, I'm very proud, whatever else happened, you made a movie Christopher. Nobody can take that away. A hundred years from now when we're dead and gone, people are going to be watching this fuckin thing
Christopher: You know how much Imperial vodka I scored just this party alone? I had a couple cases put down in your car
Carmine: So, you feeling, ok?
Tony: Oh, you mean about my mother? I mean what're you gonna do? You pick up the pieces and you go on
Carmine: I meant your spells
Tony: They're not spells. How the fuck do you know about that way over in New York?
Carmine: Everybody knows, there's nothing to be ashamed of. For Christ's sake, Julius Caesar was an epileptic
Tony: I'm not an epileptic
Carmine: Whatever it is, you gotta take care of yourself... it's your health. Is the psychiatrist helping?
Tony: Oh, you know about that too
Carmine: [shrugs] so what? There's no stigmata these days: my kid saw a shrink, he got caught up with that thing with his wife, their very happy now
Tony: What ever happened to privacy?
Carmine: Our Family's been doing our Jersey business for a long time with the Sopranos in a peaceful and profitable way and I wanna keep it like that. Take care of this for me, ok?
Tony: Alright
Carmine: Why fuck around? Be a better friend to yourself
Tony: I will and I appreciate your concern, really
Anthony: I was just coming to see you
Tony: I'm on my way home
Anthony: It's just that I haven't heard from you
Tony: [referring to the deal with the businessmen John's a silent partner with from New Orleans] The fuckheads from fuck land
Anthony: yeah
Tony: it's gonna be too much effort
Anthony: but John was really counting on this
Anthony: [after Tony shrugs] Ginny really needs the money, for Allegra, for the family
Feech: In my day...
Tony: [gradually raising his voice] That's another thing. I don't want to hear anymore how it was in your day. From now on, keep your antidotes to local color, like Dinoflow or Maguire sisters. Otherwise, SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Feech: [feeling guilty, remains silent]
Tony: Jesus Christ, I'm trying to ease your transition and this is the thanks I get?
Feech: I'm sorry I'm offended you. I'll learn
Tony: yeah?
Feech: yeah
Agent: Hey, what's the good word?
Tony: Can't complain
Agent: Sure, you could, Phil Leotardo. My first assignment out of the academy was in Brooklyn. Never cared for him. He tried to set up this other rookie, a female for rape and beating
Tony: Listen, that subject we talked about: if I were to know something possibly terror related and help you out, could I "bank" the result in goodwill?
Agent: Well, what happens is, I would personally write you what's called a "5-k letter". It's a document setting forth your cooperation and service. It would be placed in your file, "if" you were ever convicted of a crime, it would be presented to a judge when he or she is considering sentencing guidelines
Tony: There were a couple of guys. Arabs, Arabians maybe, they used to hang around the Bing and someone I know may have done some business with them
Agent: At the port?
Agent: [to Tony, after gesturing to Ron not to interfere and interrupt] you were saying?
Tony: Alright, the point is they used to be around all the time these two, drinking, trying to tit fuck the girls whatever, and suddenly their disappeared. I mean completely: then a week or so ago I'm driving and see them with these other guys with the head gear, the beard and the whole "fundamental" bit, but there's nothing illegal going on over there, right?
Agent: What were they doing?
Tony: Walking, then they meet up with this other group
Agent: You got a name?
Corrado: [Tony walks up to Uncle Junior in the nursing home] Hello
Tony: You don't recognize me?
Corrado: We used to play catch
Tony: You don't remember you shot me? I'm Anthony, Johnny's son
Corrado: The fuck you want? A boot in the rear?
Tony: Uncle Pat came to see me about Janice, about your money
Corrado: People keep asking me, I don't know there's a man from another galaxy that came here
Tony: That's your accountant
Corrado: I'm confused
Tony: Any money should go to Bobby Baccala's kids and Janice might not do that but Bobby was with us, Bobby was a made guy, it wouldn't be right
Corrado: Me? I never had kids
Tony: You remember where your stash is you let uncle Pat know and as head of the family I'll hold onto it as a guardian for Bobby's kids
Tony: You remember Bobby?
Corrado: Sure
Tony: [With teary eyes] You don't know who I am, do you?
Tony: Oh, poor baby. What do you want, a Whitman's Sampler?
Bob: [while visiting Tony with Aaron] you're having surgery tomorrow, you know they've done clinical studies on the power of prayer? Praying for patients have an eleven percent fewer complications
Carmela: I have read that: it does help to pray, even if it just helps take your mind off of it
Bob: [leading them in a prayer] Dear Jesus, hear these words, bestow your healing, loving grace, upon our injured friend, Lord help heal his wounds, and help him with your cleansing love, pursue the bounds, grace his bounds even more... Amen
Tony: [crosses himself] Amen
Carmela: [crosses herself] Amen
Aaron: [crosses himself] Amen
Tony: So, reverend, Lemme ask you about this guy not selling birth control?
Bob: He should be free to exercise his moral convictions without... suffering loss of livelihood
Tony: [confused] Here's what I'm getting at, I'm worried about Viagra: the way I see it, I'm gonna need plenty of that, considering my condition, and... what if somebody decides that Viagra is wrong? God don't like it
Bob: Well, God loves procreation: no one's saying anything against Viagra. Birth control and the morning-after pill is a sin because it strikes at life: at the unborn
Tony: Yeah, but what if somebody goes after Viagra? I'm not talking about procreation
Tony: [points to Carmela] listen up because this concerns you too
Bob: Something like Viagra will never be an issue
Tony: Excuse me but at one time, they were going after booze and as a proprietor of a drinking and eating establishment, I take this stuff very seriously
Bob: Strip club, I believe it is
Tony: Oh, you've been to The Bing?
Bob: [shakes his head] No
Carmela: [referring to Tony] He should rest, thank you so much for coming and Aaron thank you so much for your prayer
Agent: [standing next to Ron Goddard] I've told you, my partner and I are with the Joint Terror Task Force now
Agent: Your around Port Newark often enough: we're concerned about what could come through there from the Middle East
Tony: Yeah, and?
Agent: Let's talk terror funding: most of it comes about through illegal enterprise. Our pitch is this and it's the same we gave to Christopher Moltisanti, maybe he never mentioned it. If you or any of your people heard of anything going down, Middle Easterners, Pakistanis, you'd be helping us a lot if you let us know
Tony: [sarcastically] I think there's a word for that
Agent: Your daughter takes pre-med classes in New York, she uses the tunnels
Agent: [as Tony leaves without saying a word] Something to keep in mind
Carmela: [to AJ, on the family dinner table in their home] Not that long ago you talked about owning a club
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Right, you had a problem with that too
Carmela: A lot of your friends are in film school especially the ones you used to go to clubs with
Tony: got this screenplay from Danny Baldwin we met at your cousin's movie, Danny hoped I could set him up with some financing and I never read it
Carmela: You did now
Tony: Yeah I did now, long story short it's about a private detective that gets sucked into the internet through his data port and his got to solve some murders of some virtual prostitutes
Carmela: I read it, it's scary
Tony: The point is I talked to Little Carmine and his interested in developing it through his company
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: He makes porn
Tony: He made Cleaver, his branching out
Carmela: You would work for his producer Inga you would be "development executive" on this project
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Really? What's this got to do with clubs?
Carmela: Hollywood, gossip columns, the night spots
Tony: And you get some real world experience under the belt you come see me and then we'll talk about me investing in a club, run that past Rhiannon and see what she says
Tony: [Final scene] Tony enters the restaurant and sits down
Carmela: [Carmela enters the restaurant and sits down the song "Don't Stop Believin' by Journey starts playing] Hey
Tony: Hey
Carmela: [Reading the menu] What looks good tonight?
Tony: I don't know, where's the gagootz?
Carmela: He just called his on his way, Mead's coming separately she had to go to the doctor
[Tony looks up]
Carmela: switch birth control
[Tony nods]
Carmela: you talk to Mink again?
Tony: It's Carlo, he's going to testify
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: [AJ enters the restaurant and sits down] onion rings
Tony: Best in the state as far as I'm concerned
Carmela: [Waitress brings them their drinks] How was work today?
Tony: It's an entry level job so bug up
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: right, focus on the good times
Tony: Don't be sarcastic
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Isn't that what you said one time? Try to remember the times that were good?
Tony: I did?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Yeah
Tony: Well, it's true, I guess
Tony: [the waitress brings a bowl of onion rings to the table] I went ahead and ordered some for the table
Tony: This psychiatry shit. Apparently what you're feelin' is not what you're feelin' and what you're not feelin' is your real agenda.
Viper: [after realizing Tony and Christopher robbed them of the wine they originally intended to steal] what the fuck?
Biker: Who the fuck are you guys?
Christopher: [Pointing a gun at them] that's who I am you lazy cock sucker
Viper: [Putting their hands up] whoa
Biker: [Putting their hands up] take it easy
Christopher: On the ground or I'll blow your greasy fucking heads off
Viper: You guys cops?
Christopher: [Sarcastically to Tony] how's your incision lieutenant?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Jokingly while continuing to load the wine into his SUV] 10-4
Viper: You're fucking with The Vipers here asshole
Christopher: [Sarcastically] oh, really? What's that? Your Girl Scout troop?
Biker: Look...
Christopher: SHUT UP, fucking douche bag
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after finishing loading the rest of the wine in his SUV and whispers to Christopher] let's go
Tony: [Referring to his recollection of his mother excited by fresh meat] it was probably the only time the old man got laid
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Probably
Tony: Pretty sick huh? Getting turned ob by free cold cuts
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you think you questioned why the meat was free? The meat that was going into her children's mouths?
Tony: [Referring to his parent's intimacy] I don't know, I don't want to know, I don't even want to think about any of this shit
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I'm sure it was too much for you then too, that's why you short-circuited. Puberty, witnessing not only your mother and father's sexuality but also the violence and blood so connected to the food you were about to eat. And also the thought that someday, you might be called upon to "bring home the bacon", like your father
Tony: All this from a slice of gabagool?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Kind of like Proust's Madeleine's
Tony: [Confused] what?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Marcel Proust wrote a seven volume classic: Remembrance of Things Past. He took a bite of a Madeleine, it's kind of a tea cookie he used to have when he was a child and that one bite unleashed a tide of memories of his entire childhood and ultimately of his entire life
Tony: This sounds very gay, I hope you're not saying that
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: No, understanding root causes will make you less vulnerable to future episodes
Tony: My fuckin head is swimming here
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: We're going have to stop, it's a lot to process but we've made real progress today, good work and I'd really like you to write down any thoughts or "associations."
Paulie: Mingia, T. I'm sorry. Your own uncle.
Tony: Let's do it right. Act normal. Plan things out. Make no mistakes.
Paulie: If I'm your uncle, I got to finish what I started. He could strike first.
Christopher: And, this time, he won't use Boyz II Men.
Phil: [meeting privately] I just now find out it's asbestos you're dumping over there
Tony: what'd you think it was?
Phil: I never asked, Tampax, fuck do I know?
Tony: well, now you know
Phil: you and your friend Stefano have been "pocketing" how much on this "cowboys and Indians" asbestos removal?
Butch: building the townships like you're following all the EPA regulations
Tony: [ignores Butch] you got the same scams Phil, why don't we cut through the bullshit, how much you think your owed on this?
Phil: twenty five percent
Tony: don't be an asshole
Christopher: [to Phil] you know there's "close monitoring" at every fuckin landfill
Phil: [sarcastically, referring to Tony] maybe if somebody had been up front with me from the beginning?
Tony: nobody hided nothing, I just seen him dumping it there with what's his name? The Operations Manager, since "I've" been there at Barone Sanitation?
Phil: you're not "there" anymore, I am and you're enjoying your "generous" severance package
Tony: twenty five percent: that's not gonna happen
Phil: [before Tony ignores him and leaves with Christopher] you got a backyard, pool? Dump it there, it's my only other "suggestion"
Tony: [talking privately] I'm looking for this Russian: his friends with Svetlana Kirilenko, you know Irina's cousin?
Slava: The one-legged woman, I know who she is
Tony: I don't want her involved. All I know about this guy is that he drives a cab and he wasn't very nice to someone important to me
Slava: Don't think another thing about this. I'll find him and I'll kick the shit out of him
Tony: No, I'm gonna do this: this motherfucker is mine
Tony: I gotta be honest with you. I'm not getting any satisfaction from my work either.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Why?
Tony: Well, because of RICO.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Is he your brother?
Tony: No. The RICO statutes?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Oh.
[chuckles]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Of course, right.
Tony: [Meeting privately] well, here I am, what is it?
Johnny: We go back a long way, we've come way too far to let it go to shit
Tony: With all due respect, if you want to go down memory lane: put it in second gear
Johnny: The Esplanade now: I wish for Carmine's sake he'd ease off
Tony: You should tell him that
Johnny: His so easily upset these days. His teeth. I'll tell you that restaurant thing didn't help
Tony: He hurt my appraiser, what was I suppose to do? It's on page four of the boss manual John, Jesus
Johnny: Your preaching to the choir, you don't even want to hear how many of his decisions end up lightening my pockets
Tony: Why are you telling me all this?
Johnny: Because I know at heart your a pragmatist, as I am. I'm telling you now: Carmine won't bend
Tony: And I just told you I won't
Johnny: If Carmine's health was bad, if something were to happen to him, God forbid, all this unpleasantness would just...
Tony: John, Carmine's fine
Johnny: Yes, his very healthy. Thank God. Call me
Tony: [Realizing Johnny Sack was implying they should kill Carmine] holy shit
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Meeting privately in Tony's back yard] alright who gave the order to torch one of Albert's trucks?
Albert: [to Ralphie with disdain] "One of the trucks"
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Albert] be quiet
Ralph: [to Tony, referring to Albert] talk to him, he lit two of my dumpsters
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Ralphie and Albert] what's the matter with you? Both of you? With the newspapers every fuckin week with this shit
Ralph: My "crew" is in line for the Raritan Township contract ok? This guy other there keeps whispering Albert
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Surprised, hold his left hand to his left ear] your what? What did you say? Who's crew?
Ralph: You're the boss, you get to put anyone you want over the crew
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You're a captain when I say your a captain
Ralph: And I'm going to turn up my hearing aids so I don't miss it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh, you're going to get cute with me? With my mother lying dead?
Ralph: Raritan Township's recycling manager Joe Zachary says he knows who's in line for that contract but he keeps playing footsie with Albert. Next minute his threatening to go to the EPA to bust us all
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: He said that?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Ralphie and Albert after they both nod] alright fix it. No more fires
[In the safe house]
Anthony: [Hands Tony an envelope] Right now it's light
Tony: This situation ain't all bad haven't a green vegetable in over a week
Benny: Can't even go down to the pork store got to hang around here doing nothing
Anthony: [Tony gives the cat some food] who's he belong to?
Benny: He just showed up during the big storm
Tony: He caught a mouse down in the cellar
Patsy: A lot of my customers are giving their action to New York
Carlo: Power vacuum their taking advantage
Dante: [Walden comes in the front door and greco draws his gun] what the fuck are you coming that way for?
Walden: Sorry I forgot
Carlo: We're going to meet Paulie down at the hospital and visit Sil you want to come?
Tony: No, I got some shit I have to do, my daughter
[Tony picks up his assault rifle leaves the room and goes upstairs]
Benny: Yesterday was his gout
Stokley: I reviewed your chart so I ruled out any internal injuries so your free to go. I'll have the nurse process your discharge orders
Tony: [Before he walks away] whoa, whoa this was a very bad accident. I mean are you sure you did all the tests? I can afford it
Stokley: I did the "appropriate" tests. I have a medical degree from John Hopkins, my grandmother was the first black woman licensed to practice medicine in Delaware
Tony: Alright, take it easy. The young lady I was with, they said she was ok, but can I see her?
Anika: How do you know Peter?
Tony: Who Peter? Beansie? An old friend from the neighborhood.
Anika: So the other guy, the one with the white hair thingies, what's his name again?
Tony: Paulie.
[grimaces]
Anika: Right. What is he, like, your best friend?
Tony: He say that?
Anika: I just figured the way he was talking. Honestly, I thought he was your dad at first.
Tony: There was a time when I wished he was. He used to work for my dad.
Anika: I know he told me.
Tony: [looks angry]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [repeated line to several people after they express their condolences, referring to his mother's unexpected passing] What're you gonna do?
Tony: [angered after hearing Johnny Sack admitted the existence of the mafia by betraying his oath as part of a plea deal, while in Tony's backyard] to think, I thought that piece of shit was my friend once, I hope he dies in there
Silvio: you know how this looks? I wish I was at the court steps to throw acid in his face, just to distance myself
Sal: [before walking up to them] excuse me Tony? I've been meaning to ask you, I was "wondering" about the Sacrimoni place?
Tony: what about it?
Sal: well, now that Mr. Sacrimoni is guilty, you think maybe I could take him off my route?
Tony: what the fuck did you just say Sal?
Sal: [nervously] I don't know
Silvio: fuckin lawnmower man just said John was guilty, T
Tony: he "plead" guilty, Sal, ok?
Sal: yeah, ok
Tony: with this government, no fuckin trial, maybe they stuck tasers on his balls, beat him mercilessly with a rubber hose? You ever think of that?
Sal: no, but of course it makes sense
Tony: don't besmirch the man, Sal
Sal: so, about the yard?
Silvio: [amused, to Tony, referring to Sal] do you believe this fuckin guy?
Tony: [after thinking it over] your done with that
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you want to tell me what your thinking?
Tony: Believe me, you don't want to know. You want to know what I'm thinking? Seriously?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Nods]
Tony: I'm thinking I'd like to take a brick and smash your fuckin face into fuckin hamburger
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: OK
Tony: Don't worry, I know I broke your coffee table and it's not going to happen again but you asked: I told
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: But you'd like to smash my face
Tony: Not really, it's just a way of describing how I'm feeling
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you think making hamburger out of me would make me feel better?
Tony: Mother of Christ, is this a "woman thing"? You asked me how I'm feeling. I tell you how I'm feeling and now your going to torture me with it. I don't know who I'm angry at, I'm just angry ok? I mean why the fuck am I here? I even asked to come back. I got the world by the balls and I can't stop feeling like a fuckin loser
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Who makes you feel like a loser? Your mother?
Tony: Please, we wasted enough oxygen on that one. It's everything and everybody. I see some guy walking down the street with a clear head. You know the type, his always fuckin whistling, like the happy wanderer. I just want to go up to him and rip his throat open. I want to fuckin grab him and pummel him for no reason, why should I give a shit if a guy's got a clear head? I should say "good for you."
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Let's get back to smashing my face
Tony: [Annoyed, leans back on his chair and moans] Jesus Christ
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: No, I think it all ties in
Tony: Alright, sometimes I resent you making me feel like a victim that's all
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I make you feel like a victim?
Tony: Yeah, remember the first time I came here? I said the kind of man I admire is Gary Cooper: the strong silent type and how all Americans are crying and confessing, complaining, a bunch of fuckin pussies, fuck them, and now I'm one of them: a patient
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Your parents made it impossible for you to experience joy
Tony: Yeah, see? There you go again
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You said yourself your not the happy wanderer
Tony: Well I'm more like one of those assholes, fuckin jerk offs, and douche bags I see leaving this office
Christopher: [referring to Vito] he was fuckin' stalking you,
Silvio: That's the thing with the gays, still living the closet makes them devious
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [points to the television of Mickey Rooney in the movie Strike Up the Band] Speaking of crystal meth, look at this WYO
Silvio: say what you will about Richie Aprile, when he found out his son was gay, he did the right thing... he disowned him
Christopher: [before leaving] I got an AA meeting
Paulie: [sarcastically, referring to the birthname of Charles Lucky Luciano, sarcastically] Alcohol fuckin' Anonymous now too, Salvatore Lucania must be looking down on all of us with great pride
Silvio: There's gonna be a lot of popular sentiment to get rid of Vito, Phil alone
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Fuck Phil, you know what that's about? His got to polish his reputation as a tough prick, so he can make boss. Vito in Atlantic City, his out there, his not part of us, and we get you know a trinkle of cash coming in each month
Tony: [visiting her in the hospital] Hey, how you doing?
Valentina: [sedated under heavy medication, assuming Tony is her doctor] Are you gonna operate on me?
Tony: [not recognizing him while he wears non-scrub medical attire] No, it's me, Tony, they gotta fight infections
Valentina: My hair
Tony: The good news is it's gonna grow back and the burns are second degree so you don't need a skin graft or the hyperbolic chamber: Your gonna look the same as you always did
Valentina: Fuck you... it hurts
Tony: Sit tight, rest, they gotta keep you in here couple days so it don't get no bacteria in it
Valentina: Are you gonna operate on me?
Tony: Alright, look, I'm gonna take care of everything: the doctor bills, a wing, whatever. Don't worry about nothing. I gotta go
Neil: [while playing golf] We lucked out with the weather huh? So, how's the life of leisure?
Tony: I'm playing golf ain't I?
Neil: But seriously, it's good your pulling back business-wise like we agreed
Tony: My nephew, I told him, I'm gonna be speaking through him and only through him as time passes
Neil: Good
Tony: And Sil
Neil: Good
Tony: I don't wanna celebrate my daughter's first kid in prison
Doctor: [after Christopher was beaten at his intervention by some of the guys and was now in the hospital, questioning Tony] So he slipped off the kitchen counter spraying for ants?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well, he was wearin' socks!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [telling a joke, while eating in an Irish pub] A rich man and a poor man got the same wedding anniversary. Every year, they'd meet on Madison Avenue shopping for their wives, so the poor man says to the rich man What'd you buy your wife this year? He says, I got her a huge diamond ring and a brand-new Mercedes, poor man says, What'd you get her both for? Rich man says, If she doesn't like the diamond ring, she can bring back the Mercedes and still be happy. Rich man says to the poor man What'd you get your wife this year? He says, I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo, rich man says, What'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo for? Poor man says If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after Pussy laughs] You remember the first time you brought me here?
Salvatore: Yeah, I remember
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [referring to the first time he killed someone for the mob] I popped my cherry that night
Salvatore: Yeah, seems like old times
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You believe in God?
Salvatore: Yeah, I absolutely do, works in very mysterious ways, it's a wonder how He performs, no doubt. His been good to me
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I want to know why there's zero growth in this family's receipts. Where's the fucking money? You're supposed to be earners. That's why you've got the top-tiered positions. So I want each one of you to go out to your people on the street, crack some fucking heads, making some fucking earnings out there!
Tony: [to Christopher] You leave Comley Trucking and every other fucking item on this planet that belongs to my uncle Junior, including his hemorrhoid donut, the fuck alone.
Carmela: So Finn, Meadow's telling me your going skiing?
Finn: For four days next week a whole bunch of us: a friend of my dad has a cabin near Montreal. You can ski right onto the trails
Meadow: I saw the pictures, there's this humongous stone fire place
Carmela: Just be careful with all the accidents you read about: Sonny Bono
Tony: How about you Alex? Do you ski?
Alessandra: I used to, my family had a retreat near the Pyrenees
Tony: Pyrenees?
Meadow: Aless is descended from Spanish royalty
Tony: Seriously?
Colin: She's our little princess
Alessandra: My great, great grandmother was a countess
Carmela: [to Meadow] you should've told me you were living with royalty
Tony: My daughter's an Italian princess, does that count? My wife too for that matter
Meadow: There's more chicken if anybody wants?
Tony: Yeah I'll take a little more
Finn: [Including him into the conversation] so AJ, your a junior?
A.J. Soprano: Next year
Finn: Are you looking at any schools yet?
A.J. Soprano: Not really, I'll go to Rutgers I guess
Meadow: Are you passing everything?
A.J. Soprano: I got a C on a paper I did on Billy Budd
Carmela: [Disappointed] A C?
Tony: [to Carmella] he usually gets D's and F's, what's with you today? You ok?
Carmela: You worked so hard on it, why only a C?
A.J. Soprano: I don't know
Finn: Did you like Billy Budd?
A.J. Soprano: It was ok. My teacher said it's a gay book
Carmela: Mr. Wegler? Oh that is ridiculous
Finn: [while Colin and Aless nod] I've heard that before
Carmela: That was written when? The nineteenth century?
A.J. Soprano: Yeah, I didn't even know they had fags back then
Meadow: [Chastising him for saying something offensive] AJ
Tony: [to Colin] no offense
Colin: Oh, I'm not gay
Tony: Your not?
Colin: No
Finn: [Jokingly] I read where they found gay cave drawings in Africa
Alessandra: Really?
Alessandra: [Realizes he was teasing her] shut up
Carmela: This stuff is pervading our educational system, not to mention movies, TV shows
Silvio: [referring to Phil's responsibility behind Vito's death] People are gonna expect a "response"
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: This is what I was taking about
Silvio: We "hit" one of Phil's guys?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [referring to the nickname of mob boss Joseph Bonanno] "Joe Bananas" went after Carlo Gambino, "made" guys got killed: the war went seven years. How many times I gotta say this? "When guys are on mattresses, they're not out earning"
Silvio: [referring to what they should do about their response] So... what?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after thinking it over] All Phil cares about is fuckin money: his got a wireroom in Sheepshead Bay, right? Our guys have seen it?
Silvio: Yeah
Tony: So, what's up?
Feech: [referring to the executive card game] I came here to ask for my game back
Tony: It's my uncle's game now
Feech: Yeah, right, your uncle's. You also keep a lion share of the "rake" and I'm just asking If I can run it for you?
Tony: Why would I need that?
Feech: Eleven years I ran it, no fights: no raids. Not to mention I got it coming? Considering how it would've gone after you took the game down, and if I hadn't been such a prick about it?
Silvio: [referring to Tony] Or if his old man didn't have so many friends
Tony: [after thinking it over] I'll give you twenty percent but you gotta rent the house from me. I can throw some high rollers your way: friends of mine
Feech: [agrees and thanks him] Let me get outta here before I keep talking and fuck this up
Tony: It's Tuesday three o'clock so we've got to talk about something ok? Spin the wheel", here's something that's been bothering me I gave my daughter a car
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Really?
Tony: Yeah a used car, one of those SUV's, a 92 pathfinder. The thing is that it belonged to a friend of hers from school and it came into my possession incurred of a debt by the kid's father and this is the way he elected to make payment
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You gave your daughter her friend's car?
Tony: It was a nice, safe, car to which I had the pink slip
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What's bothering you?
Tony: I must've known that she'd known it was her friend Eric's car and how I got it and she'd freak out
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Then why did you give it to her?
Tony: I don't know, I mean for all these years I've been shielding her and protecting her from certain "truths" so now I want to rub her nose in it.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Any thoughts on that?
Tony: This kid's father, his fuckin degenerate gambler but his also a respected business man in the community and everything that goes along with that
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: One of your "Happy "wanders"
Tony: How do you remember this shit?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Smiles, remains silent]
Tony: So it becomes my fault he lost his kid's car? I've got to look out for him because his a sick bastard? My friend Artie Bucco got a restaurant right? Now believe me no one's telling him to refuse a plate a fettuccine to a guy that's eating himself to death
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Maybe that's what you were saying to your daughter
Tony: What?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: By giving her the SUV, wanting her to confront some of these "moral ambiguities"
Tony: [Implying that he doesn't understand her terminology] English
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Meadow's going to be going away to college next year
Tony: Yeah that's why she needs the car
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: "Leaving the nest"
Tony: Not those fuckin ducks again
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Maybe you were preparing her for the reality of teaching her to "fly"?
Tony: You know your people are something, I gave my little girl a car to rub her face in shit and you're telling me I did something noble?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: We're getting to something here
Tony: [Realizing she's right] time's up
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Look, we still have time and we're doing good work, what? You feel you're cured?
Tony: Alright, I'll sit here but I got nothin else to say
Tony: My estimate, historically? Eighty percent of the time it ends up in the can like Johnny Sack. Or on the embalming table at Cozzarelli's.
Bobby: Don't even say it.
Tony: No risk, no reward.
Bobby: I mean, our line of work, it's always out there. You probably don't even hear it when it happens, right?
Tony: Ask your friend there on the wall.
Bobby: [laughs] Listen to us. Morbid fucks.
Tony: You know, come to think of it, you never popped your cherry in that regard, right?
Bobby: Nah.
Tony: Your old man was the fuckin' Terminator.
Bobby: I come close. I done other shit but... no.
Tony: A salut. A big fat pain in the balls.
Bobby: Especially now with DNA evidence. My pop never wanted it for me. Said there were times, with all the worry, that he wished he coulda just stayed in the shop full-time, just cut hair.
Tony: To be honest, I'd rather he fuckin' shot me than cut my hair.
Bobby: [laughs]
Tony: [to Jackie Jr] I'm going to say a few things: I'm just going to say some bad words and your just going to have to deal with it, I know what you're thinking, you're thinking I clipped your uncle. I didn't. I got some bad news for you your uncle was a rat. I've known you since you were a kid, I'm practically a member of your family and this hurt all of us.
Bobby: Mom started going downhill after the World Trade Center. You know Quasimodo predicted all this.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Who did what?
Bobby: All these problems - the Middle East, the end of the world.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Nostradamus. Quasimodo's the Hunchback of Notre Dame.
Bobby: Oh right. Notre Damus.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Nostradamus, and Notre Dame. Two different things completely.
Bobby: It's interesting though, they'd be so similar, isn't it?" And I always thought okay, Hunchback of Notre Dame. You also got your quarterback and halfback of Notre Dame.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: One's a fucking cathedral.
Bobby: Obviously. I know, I'm just saying. It's interesting, the coincidence. What you're gonna tell me you never pondered that? The back thing with Notre Dame?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Hands him a wooden box] for you
Brian: What's this?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Jokingly] a music box
Brian: [after opening the box, surprised by the expensive watch as a gift] holy shit a Patek?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah, me and Ralph got lucky in a new real estate investment
Brian: [Surprised] you actually did it?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Nods, smiles]
Brian: Tony, I was only speculating I never meant for you to...
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Interrupts him, reassures him] relax, your name will never come up
Tony: [referring to AJ] the kid spends every fuckin night in some club in New York, sleeps until noon, puts in a couple hours at Blockbuster and that's it. Since my injury like I told you I've been "perceptive". Be grateful for what you've got, but maybe that's wrong, maybe I should be on the kid. My dad would've kicked my lazy ass out of the house.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Really?
Tony: [Referring to Tony's father committing that act when someone couldn't pay the debt back the debt to Tony's father] it's the chopping off of the guy's finger right? I never should've told you that because that's all you fixate on with him.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Can you emphasize with AJ at that age?
Tony: Yeah I had some problems at school but I didn't vegetate
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: These are different times, young people are bombarded with so much information and so much input of every kind, consequently true adulthood is delayed. Sociologists say the new 26 is in fact the new 21
Tony: And the new 26 is what? I'm 46 so that means I'm 35?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Jesus Christ, you scared the shit out of me!
Reverend James Sr.: Jesus ain't got nothing to do with it.
Tony: [Walks into the kitchen from the back yard and sees his family waiting for him] what?
Carmela: Your mother died
Tony: You're kidding
Tony: [Surprised] I mean... Jesus Christ
Carmela: Svetlana just called. She said after dinner your mother went upstairs to get ready for bed, when Svetlana came up she thought your mother was asleep
Carmela: [after Tony sits down at the kitchen table, she walks over and holds his hand] Svetlana's waiting for us over there
Tony: She's dead
Meadow: I'm sorry dad, that your mom died
A.J. Soprano: Me too
Tony: Hey, your grandmother loved you, both of you very much
Tony: [while counting money] So, this estate planning shit, Carmela wants it and I got nothing against getting her well set up
Alan: The blue chip portfolio like your cousin suggested, to keep pace with inflation, if it makes your wife happy, Go with God
Tony: I'm supposed to make the money, she takes care of the house: that's the way it should be
Alan: This other thing your cousin advised, life insurance trust: big red flag
Tony: What? The kid said there's tremendous tax advantages
Alan: To Carmela, when you die, but present day if something unforeseen should arise, a divorce? That type of trust is irrevocable: that means it can't be changed. You have to petition the court, even then. Don't get me wrong, a trust per se is a good thing, avoids probate, prying eyes but there's other ways to go, such as an Inter-Vivos, a living trust
David: [after woken up by Tony unzipping the camping tent David was sleeping in inside his sports goods store] Tony, what're you doing here?
Tony: I was going to ask you the same fuckin question
David: It's my store
Tony: [after looking at the mess, sarcastically] congratulations, it's a fuckin disaster
David: Hey, some of those airline tickets came in, you want me to split them with Richie?
Tony: They're mine, it's my idea. This is where you sleep?
David: Yeah, sometimes. It's easier than going home
Tony: [while sitting down on a wooden bench near David's tent] I know what you mean. I remember when you transferred in the tenth grade from Baden-Baden, fuckin army brat
David: Hey, you remember when those Guidos from Paterson caught you at Garret Mountain and had you barricaded in your old man's car? I whipped that rocket and hit that guy in the eye?
Tony: Don't reminisce on me
David: You told me not to get into the game, why'd you let me do it?
Tony: Well, I knew you had this business here Davey, it's my nature "frog on a scorpion" you know? Besides if you would've won I'd be the one crying the blues right?
David: What's the end?
Tony: The end? Declaring bankruptcy
Tony: [after David begins crying] hey, your not the first guy to get "busted out."This is how a guy like me makes a living: this is my bread and butter. When this is over your free to go. You can go wherever you want
Christopher: Santa, we still haven't got one.
Paulie: You wanna do it?
Christopher: Me, what do I know about it? I don't have kids.
Silvio: You don't have to, Santa doesn't have any kids.
Paulie: Yeah, that's strange, that Mr. And Mrs. Claus didn't have kids of their own.
Silvio: Probably why they got into it in the first place.
Paulie: I used to think the elves were their kids.
Silvio: They were running a sweatshop over there.
Paulie: There was something on TV, the original elves were ugly, traveled with Santa to throw bad kids a beatin', and he gave the good ones toys.
Tony: The fuckin' Grinch. Maybe that's where they got the idea.
Silvio: And fuckin' Dr. Seuss ripped it off.
Christopher: [Talking privately, referring to their cousin Tony B] What's up? You hear from Tony?
Tony: I just talked to Kelvin, Calvin, whatever the fuck his name is. That redneck from North Carolina. He got a call from the Bureau of Alcohol and Tobacco. Some fuckin' bodegas in Newark been selling cigarettes without the tax stamps on them.
Christopher: Stupid spics, they were suppose to stamp it themselves.
Tony: The Feds are all over it. I don't have enough on my fuckin' mind?
Christopher: Any idea on how you're going to handle it?
Tony: Handle what?
Christopher: Our cousin. You know Phil and John?
Tony: I don't know. I got to think about it. From now on Paulie supervises the entire cigarette run. You split everything down the middle with him.
Christopher: What?
Tony: You fuckin' heard me.
Christopher: I got a fuckin' wedding to pay for.
Tony: [Sarcastically] Well, if I were you I'd cut out the open bar.
Little: [when Tony and Carmine show up at Phil's home] Butch, how are ya?
Butch: Phil's not accepting any visitors right now
Little: I just talked to him on the phone
Butch: I just talked to him in person: he ain't seeing nobody
Little: [before gesturing to Tony] what's going on Butch? I just "brokered" this "thing." He came here making a peace offering: a semi trail of drills: Makitas
Butch: we don't want your fuckin drills
Tony: [pats Carmine on his shoulder] fuck it, let's go
Tony: [to his captains and associates] I got something I want to say: my cousin Anthony went into business for himself. We all know this in a way which there is no excuse. His got a problem with rage. He disappointed me in ways I can't even begin to tell you and he put all of us at risk. Regardless, it's been made clear to me, if they put his hands on him, he will not be dealt with quick. I'm talking torture for that reason even if I knew where my cousin is and I do not. I will not deliver him up to them. I am offering him the same protection I would offer any of you in similar circumstances. Now I know what you're going to say "hey Tone, I would never do what he did." God bless I hope not. But we are a family and even in this fucked up day in age that means something. So we're going to deal with this as a family, together no matter how it affects anybody, personal safety-wise, financially-wise, whatever. I see my nephew isn't here, it's important he lamb it now and it's my desire to "circle the wagon" to support him
Tony: You listen to me now. Before you do any more serious damage to yourself or your grandchildren's inheritance, you're gonna stop living alone, right now.
Livia: I'm not going to that nursing home.
Tony: Green Grove is a retirement community! And it's more like a hotel at Captain Teeb's!
Livia: Who's he?
Tony: A captain that owns luxury hotels or something, I don't know. That's not the point. The point is, I talked to Mrs. DiCaprio over there and she says she's got a corner suite available with a woods view. It's available now, but it's gonna go fast.
Livia: Of course it's available, somebody died!
Tony: Oh, Ma, you gotta stop! You gotta stop with this black poison cloud all the time! 'Cause I can't take it anymore!
Livia: Oh, poor you!
Tony: You know, I got problems at work, I got problems at home, I got a friend whose been diagnosed with cancer. Most parents would be grateful if their yuppie children put as much thought into this as I did.
Livia: I'm not going to that place.
Tony: Then I will go to court and I will get a durable power of attorney over you and I will place you there.
Livia: Then kill me now. Go on now, go into the ham, and take the carving knife and stab me, here, here, now, please! It would hurt me less than what you just said.
Tony: You know, I know seniors that are inspired!
Tony: Your amigos with the baggy pants, I hope you kept them away from the silver
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Oh, Jesus, their musicians aright? they saw the ad for the drums
Tony: You're selling your drums?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: I need cash, I don't play them anymore
Carmela: Those drums were a gift from your father
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Yeah, I don't wanna sell them, if you guys hadn't made me get such a crappy job, I wouldn't have to
Carmela: oh, so this is our fault?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: I'm wasting my time at Blockbuster
Tony: Then get off your ass and get another job
Carmela: What about community college? You said were gonna go back to school
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: [irritated, intentionally speaking slowly to belittle them] Ok, for the hundredth time, I can't register until second semester! I mean, Jesus Christ, I do what you guys want, don't I deserve some kind of life?
Paulie: [talking privately on two table in out front of Satriale's] I'm no spring chicken no more. I don't wanna have me dyin' on you and leavin' ya worse off than before.
Tony: Oh, you with the dead thing! Ya got the arms and upper body of a 20-year-old.
Paulie: I gotta work at that. And I had the prostate.
Tony: Alright, sure. Go ahead. I'm a little miffled but yeah, sit with it.
Johnny: [During Joey Peeps' Funeral] you remember Mickey Farrell, the dock worker who used to run Port Newark? Guess who he saw on the Upper West Side? Your fuckin cousin Tony
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What does that mean?
Johnny: The same night Joey bought it?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Did your the Maserati hit your head?
Johnny: Two faced fuck
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Referring to Little Carmine] take it easy. You want to yell at someone? The man you ought to yell at right over there
Johnny: Fuckin cock sucker. I should kill him, his fuckin wife, and your cousin next
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Let's take a walk, calm down, come on
Johnny: [Referring to Little Carmine] the fuckin gall on that man. His father must be spinning
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You want my advice? You go out there, shake his hand, and put this fuckin shit to bed
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Shake his hand? And he kisses the kid's mother?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: That's the way it works. You know that
Johnny: Sure, that's why your cousin's here
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You are sincerely mistaken if you think me or my cousin had anything to do with this shit
Johnny: He was spotted three blocks away
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: By Mickey Farrell, your going to believe some drunken fuckin Irish prick over me?
Carmela: It's better to have loved than lost, A.J. It's better to have loved and lost, A.J.
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: [incredulous] What?
Tony: It is.
Eugene: Hey Tone
Tony: Hey
Eugene: My sports book down in Roseville Baccalà's still making things unpleasant
Tony: God damn him
Eugene: [while placing a gift bag on the table] listen Tone, I got you something, you Carm, and the kids: David Hume watches, eighteen karat gold, diamond center
Tony: Why do I think there's a jeweler somewhere filing a insurance claim today
Eugene: Actually it ain't what it is. My aunt Eady died
Tony: No, the one that moved to California back in the sixties?
Eugene: Great lady, only person in my life that made me feel special
Tony: What're you going do?
Eugene: Anyway she did pretty well. She was married to Victor Bourger's agent. She left me an inheritance, just over two mill
Tony: [Leans back in his chair] whoa
Eugene: [laughs] yeah
Tony: Well, congratulations. Make sure you invest it
Eugene: Yeah well, that's what I kind of wanted to talk to you about. Deanne, me, and the kids you know how much we love Florida right?
Tony: What'd you want to put some money on the street down there?
Eugene: I was thinking about buying a place in Fort Myers, retiring there actually
Tony: [Surprised] retiring? What're you? A hockey player?
Eugene: I'm going to be fifty in three years Tone. My dad died when he was fifty-two
Tony: You took an oath Gene. There's no retiring from this
Eugene: [Referring to Joseph Bonanno, the mob boss that did retire] Well, I thought about that and it was Joe Bananas
Tony: [Amused] come on huh? What about your sports book? Your other responsibilities? What am I suppose to do with those?
Eugene: Benny. We know Bobby wants it. It's just that we go back a long way Tone
Tony: Yeah we do, CYO basketball, can you believe that?
Eugene: It'd mean a lot to me and Deanne
Tony: Let me think about it
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [That retirement community is] more like a hotel at Cap d'Antibes.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [later repeating it to his mother] It's more like a hotel at Captain Teeb's!
Livia: Who's he?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: The Captain owns luxury hotels or something. I don't know! That's not the point!
Svetlana: [Referring to Irina] she's not there, she probably is hiding in Brighton Beach. She blames you for Ronnie Zellman: you beat him with a belt, he felt weak in front of her, and couldn't perform. They broke up not so long after
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh, fuck that. Who told her about us? Not you please, it was the one who fuckin walked in on us
Svetlana: Branka we had bad fight over FICA and Federal withholding I took from her paycheck
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Jesus fuckin Christ, FICA and Federal with holding? I've got to go home tomorrow and tell my kids we're separated. It's going to rip them up
Svetlana: Divorce is very hard for kids after this they don't trust you. I'm a child of a divorce
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: She shouldn't have been drinking in the afternoon. How about a little sympathy? What'd you got ice in your veins?
Svetlana: I had ice in my veins on your uncle's couch
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: The most expensive piece of ass I ever had
Svetlana: Right, I know what your thinking too
Aaron: [after entering the hospital room] have you heard the good news?
Tony: [surprised to see him] Jesus Christ!
Aaron: [reminding Tony who he is] that's right, Aaron Arkaway, Jan's friend?
Tony: oh, yeah, right
Aaron: [shows him his cardboard sign] we're protesting downstairs, I saw Jan in the elevator this morning: she told me you were up here
Tony: so, that's all the yelling and singing is?
Aaron: druggist from the hospital pharmacy was fired for refusing to fill birth control prescriptions: we're trying to get his job back
Aaron: [introducing him] this is our prayer leader, Bob Brewster
Bob: Hi, Aaron's told me a lot about you. I thought we'd come up and pray with you?
Tony: [jokingly] "bottom feeding", huh?
Bob: it's where the "big fish" are
Tony: [while forcibly pressing the button for his morphine dispenser] son of a fuckin bitch. They cut my morphine off, their trying to "wing" me off
Bob: you know, I've seen people being delivered from unbelievable pain: myself included
Tony: oh, yeah?
Bob: I was at rock bottom, I was addicted to cocaine and strippers, then I lost my wife, then I crashed my car, drunk, ended up upside down, hanging by my seatbelt, completely terrified and I prayed for God to save me and He came in
Aaron: praise Him
Bob: and in that moment, and I was "reborn" and I see you there and I know your hurting, and the answer is to accept the Lord as your personal Savior
Tony: [reluctantly] well, I got all this covered, you know with my parish priest
Bob: that's great but what God wants is for you to love Him directly, not necessarily through the intervention of liturgy or any human "agent"
Carmela: [after entering the room and seeing him] is this Aaron Arkaway?
Aaron: hey
Carmela: what're you fellas doing here?
Bob: Mrs. Soprano?
Carmela: uh huh
Bob: we were just dialoging with your husband: we were about to pray
Tony: [to Carmela, referring to Aaron and Bob] they were
Tony: so, Finn, where are you from?
Finn: my dad was in the navy, I was born in Japan, I spent my first ten years on a base near the Azores
Tony: so, your dad was a sailor, huh?
Finn: surgeon, actually
Carmela: so, you've been all over the world?
Finn: yeah, pretty much
Colin: I gotta tell you Mrs. Soprano, your daughter absolutely keeps us alive with her cooking
Alessandra: [to Colin] didn't you make macaroni and cheese one night?
Colin: [jokingly] I didn't wanna brag
Elzbieta: Mr. Tony, Mr. Sil is here, Mrs Carmela said you should stay in bed
Tony: Have him come up
Silvio: [enters Tony's bedroom with Paulie, Walden and Bobby] I'm right here Tone, we came as soon as we heard
Paulie: Patsy went over to Chrissy's mom's house
Tony: Yeah, that's where Carmela is
Walden: Carlo's coming up
Bobby: How you doing Tone?
Tony: My knee got banged up, he says it's probably going to be ok. You know last thing I remember was pulling away from Phil
Bobby: Skid marks all over the plates, the cops told Carm
Paulie: [referring to Christopher] He had a heavy foot that kid, always, almost put me through a billboard one time
Benny: [as he walks in and shakes his hand] hey Tone, I'm so sorry. I still can't believe it
Tony: Thanks, I know you two were close
Benny: I was making my collections, Anthony Mafay called me, Jesus
Walden: It's Carlo I bet
Tony: [referring to Christopher] fuckin idiot didn't have a seat belt on, his chest filled up, suffocated on his own blood
Benny: Jesus
Paulie: Poor kid
Bobby: Jesus Christ
Tony: Seems like that's the cause of death
Walden: It's not Carlo, its AJ
Benny: [to Walden] Carlo's coming up?
Silvio: [to Walden, irritated] What's with you and Carlo's fuckin arrival?
Walden: I'm just saying
Tony: Their gonna do a full blood test on him: see if you know... if alcohol, drugs... you know
Silvio: It did occur to me, he didn't seem high, did he?
Tony: Are you kidding? I would've been furious. I would've fuckin strangled him
Walden: He'd been working the program very dedicated ever since he threw Little Paulie out that window
Silvio: Let's not go there
Benny: Even before that he was battling that shit
Bobby: He gave it his all
Silvio: Anyway, his gone now, our Chrissy... crazy fuckin maniac
Paulie: Thing to take to heart T, your here, you're alright. You could've been killed for fuck's sake
Tony: What're you gonna do?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know, sometimes what happens in here is like taking a shit.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Yes, okay. Although I prefer to think of it more like childbirth.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Trust me. It's like taking a shit.
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: You have such a low opinion of people?
Tony: Let me tell you somethin', A.J. I don't care how close you are, in the end your friends are gonna let you down. Family: they're the only ones you can depend on.
Carmela: [during family dinner, to Tony] while you were sleeping, we found out Hunter Scangarelo got into Reed College
Meadow: [to her mother, irritated] can't you be happy for Hunter? Reed was her first choice: she'd die if she didn't get in. Why do you always think everything has something to do with me?
A.J. Soprano: because you didn't get in anywhere
Carmela: [after chastising AJ for insulting his sister] nobody has heard anything for months: Hunter took early acceptance so she found out early, what that means is she could only apply to that one college. Your sister, on the other hand, gave herself a lot of options such as Bowdoin, Holy Cross, Georgetown...
Meadow: you know Georgetown is a total reach for me
Carmela: oh, please they'd be crazy not to want you
Meadow: if I can in there, I can probably get into Berkeley?
Tony: over my dead body
Meadow: there are more Nobel Prize winners in the San Francisco Bay area than any other area on the planet
Tony: Nobel Prize for what? Packing Fudge? Look, you know you can go anywhere you want to go to college but I'll tell you where I'm not gonna pay for, and that's Berkeley
A.J. Soprano: I want to go to Harvard or West Point
Tony: well, you might get to see them on television but that's about it: you wanna go to college like those, you gotta crack the books
Tony: So, I solved a major problem business-wise. I put a very good piece of man power to work: my cousin Tony
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You mentioned how close you two were
Tony: You know when we were kids they used to call me "Tony Uncle Johnny" and call him "Tony Uncle Al."
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Right yes you've told me all that
Tony: Anyways his a very smart guy, his got an IQ of 158
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you put a lot of stock into that number?
Tony: Why? Are you going to tell me its bullshit? Because I took that test and if someone gets a 158, they know a few things
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So we can assume his smarter than you
Tony: Honestly I think his smarter than you because of the way you keep shitting on the test. I was having second thoughts myself but this was a good move. Carmella and I slept together.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What was that like?
Tony: It was nice, very erotic, she's been using that perfume that she wears. The poor thing was starving for it honestly. I'm the only man she's ever been with.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Did you discuss it?
Tony: No I left before she work up
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: How come?
Tony: Because if I was still there when she woke up, it'd send "mixed signals" you know
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Before Tony's cell phone rings] I'm not sure that's the best...
Tony: [Answers the call, over the phone] no tell him I got fax machines out my ass
Tony: Old man Bacala is ok with this, what'd you give a shit anyway?
Junior: What is it with you? These power trips
Tony: The fuck are you talking about?
Junior: It has to be the old man? There's no other way?
Tony: There's a million other ways but this one will work. It was Gigi's idea. I'm not cutting his balls off. Mustang Sally's MIA. Two days ago he reaches out to old man Bacala for help. Old man Bacala is his godfather, he can get close without arousing suspicion
Junior: It still doesn't sit right
Tony: His done it a thousand times
Junior: His a sick old man
Tony: Good, it'll give him something to live for
A.J. Soprano: [Referring to damaging Carmella's station wagon] it wasn't my fault
Carmela: You stole my car, where is the trust in this house?
A.J. Soprano: When I get confirmed, I'm going to be a man so how come I can't drive?
Tony: You really want to get into this huh? Who was that "man" we had to pick at camp last year for bed wetting?
A.J. Soprano: That was the year before last
Carmela: You could've killed those girls
A.J. Soprano: That would've been interesting
Carmela: What? What'd you just say?
A.J. Soprano: Death just shows you the ultimate absurdity of life
Tony: What is this? Are you trying to get me to lose my temper? Because I'm about to put you through that God damn window
A.J. Soprano: See? That's what I mean: life is absurd
Carmela: Don't say that God forgive you
A.J. Soprano: There is no God
Carmela: Where is this coming from?
Tony: What'd they teach you this crap at school?
Carmela: Is this the new English teacher Mr. Clark..?Where is he from?
Meadow: [after AJ remains silent, while walking into the kitchen] Oberland. You want him to read something other than Hustler? Hello? He got assigned a stranger. You want him to be an educated person? What'd you think education is? You just make more money? This is education
A.J. Soprano: Do you ever think like why were we born?
Meadow: Madame de Staël said "In life, one must choose between boredom and suffering."
Tony: [to Meadow] Go to your room
A.J. Soprano: No, I'm serious why were we born?
Carmela: We were born because of Adam and Eve, that's why. Now go upstairs and do your math
Meadow: Algebra? That's the most boring
Tony: Well, your other choice is suffering, you want to start now? Move your ass!
Christopher: Wait a minute. What's if Vesuvio's bugged, and the fuckin' Feds told Johnny?
Silvio: Conspiracy theories now?
Christopher: Why not? Create a little dysentery among the ranks.
Tony: First of all, the place is swept once a week. Second of all, what the Feds want is a lot more interesting shit that's being talked about in there besides Ginny Sack's fat ass.
Paulie: [while entering the back office of the Bada Bing strip club] I'll tell you one thing: If it was me this kid was spreading rumors about, he'd have something up his own ass. And it wouldn't be no cock either.
Carlo: That's the point though. This guy Sal, I know him. He's a friend of ours.
Christopher: I fuckin' called it, long time ago.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Referring to the Italian slang term for homosexuals] You knew Vito was "ricuin"?
Christopher: Yes.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: When?
Christopher: I never said it, but I knew.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Get the fuck out, huh? And enough of this "rush to judgment", for all we know this fuckin' Sal guy's got a hard on for Vito.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Christopher after he starts laughing] Oh, you think this is funny? There's a man's reputation at stake here!
Paulie: Married man, with kids.
Carlo: That don't mean shit. Elton John was married.
Silvio: Yeah. Rock Hudson too, I think.
Christopher: So, what'd we got to do? Actually see him take it in the ass?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Patsy] Get Vito on the phone.
Silvio: You know he called me the other night? Three o'clock in the morning after the wedding.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: And?
Silvio: Honestly, it was weird. He wanted to know what was going on.
Christopher: He was fuckin' fishing, see if we heard.
Patsy: [to Tony, after calling Vito's cell phone] Straight to voicemail.
Silvio: Tone, I mean, he represents us.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm not going to condemn the man off the word from some fuckin' douche bag from Yonkers.
Patsy: I could care less basically.
Paulie: Yeah? Maybe *you're* a "flambé"?
Carlo: Fuckin nauseating. If it was up to me I'd drag Vito behind my fuckin' car right now.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh, will you take it easy over there, fuckin' Judge Roy Bean?
Christopher: One of my bar girls knows his goomah. Check with her maybe, she's seen him or knows where he is. Lauren.
Carlo: Think about it though, Tone. Sudden weight loss...
Paulie: [Shocked] AIDS?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Nobody's got AIDS! I don't want to hear that word in here again!
Tony: [over the phone] It's a bad connection, so I'm gonna talk fast! The guy you're looking for is an ex-commando! He killed sixteen Chechen rebels single-handed!
Paulie: Get the fuck outta here.
Tony: Yeah. Nice, huh? He was with the Interior Ministry. Guy's some kind of Russian green beret. This guy can not come back to tell this story. You understand?
Paulie: I hear you.
[the telephone connection is lost - Tony swears, and Paulie hangs up]
Paulie: [turning to Christopher] You're not gonna believe this. He killed sixteen Czechoslovakians. The guy was an interior decorator.
Christopher: His house looked like shit.
Silvio: [referring to Ralph's snubbing of Tony] "Another time, Anthony"?
Tony: Cocksucker turns his back on the boss?
Silvio: That, I couldn't believe.
Tony: Lucky I didn't put one in his fuckin' head.
Silvio: On that front, don't be surprised if Paulie pops the question. Raphie's star is rising. All those unions. Paulie can't come near that kind of cash for us.
Tony: Ralph's a good earner.
Silvio: A guy like that? Loose cannon. He'll be leaving your house, he'll pull a "Jack Ruby" on you.
Tony: Why did I have to punch this fuckin' asshole?
Silvio: Frankly, I was a little surprised.
Tony: Are you gonna start on me now? He disrespected The Bing.
Silvio: So? He's barred from the place.
Tony: He bashed that poor girl's brains in.
Silvio: I hear you. I know. It was a tragedy. The fact is though: she was not related to you by blood or marriage. She was not your goomar. Ralphie's a made guy, Ton'. All things considered, he's got a legitimate beef. Make him disappear, or make nice. You only got two choices. I would suggest something in the way of an apology.
Tony: Absolutely fucking not!
Silvio: Do something public to show there's no bad blood.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [while reading through military school brochures during dinner] now this I like, "Highly Structured Environment."
Carmela: Which one is that?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: H.M.I. Hudson Military Institute: "A Second Century of Excellence."
A.J. Soprano: I never said I was going
Carmela: We're just looking honey
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: We're looking, and then your going
Carmela: [Answering the phone when it rang] hello? Oh, hi Marie, no, oh my God. Where's Rosalie?
Marie: She's right here, she can't come to the phone
Carmela: Tell her I'll be there as soon as I can
Carmela: [after hanging up] oh my God
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What is it?
Carmela: Jackie Jr. was shot to death in the Boonton projects by drug dealers.
Carmela: [while running out the kitchen] I'm going over to Rosalie's
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to A.J., after Carmella left, implying this is what happens when teenagers don't apply themselves academically and commit crimes] you see?
Johnny: We want a forty percent position in your HUD business
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What, because I'm in on the other thing you think your entitled to reach into my pocket on this? That was a gesture of goodwill
Carmine: Tony, we've been down this road before: we share Zellman, therefore any of the fruits from Zellman, we're entitled to
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Are we done here?
Carmine: Fuckin Ralph, where's your point man on this thing? He missed his drops this week
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [before getting up and leaving] I don't know, maybe you can tell me?
Christopher: [Sarcastically to Adriana] thanks by the way for drinking wine in front of me
Christopher: [Answering his cell phone] Hello?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Referring to the hit on Carmine Lupertazzi] Call it off, the old guy
Christopher: Yeah?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Something don't make sense here
Christopher: You think it's a setup?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Not necessarily but our "friend" up there is very anxious to "pass the ball" to the prick. But nobody could ever know this was considered
Christopher: I'll offer my guys half of what they would've got: that should do it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I just want you to make sure I told you that
[Tony and Christopher are dragging a dismembered body through the woods]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You got your whole life in front of you. You want to throw it all away on drugs?
Tony: [talking privately] Listen, I gotta bring this up
Phil: A favor, already?
Tony: excuse me?
Phil: you always have business on your mind: take a night, smell the Cognac
Tony: Marie Spatafore came to see me: she wants a hundred grand to relocate on account of Vito, Jr. already has his own social worker
Phil: Patty told me there were doings. I guess the turd doesn't fall far from the faggot's ass?
Tony: It's beautifully put but... your family, right? Cousins?
Phil: What can you do, throw money at the problems?
Tony: Well, somebody's gonna
Phil: [after lighting up a cigar] I'll talk to the kid: set him "right"
Tony: Good
Tony: [Talking privately] what's up?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Turns out somebody got a look at the guy who did Joe Peeps. All they got so far is that his got a bad limp.
Tony: Huh. Long John Silver maybe.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Where the fuck do you get the balls? I am bending over backwards trying to stay neutral, paying for fuckin car seats and your out there acting like a fuckin free agent. Don't look at me like I'm a fuckin jerk off. because I'm sick of you leaning on this cousin thing and that bad hijack like you could do whatever the fuck it is you want to do because you went away that night I didn't
Tony: Your the one who keeps bringing that up. I'm fine with it. First of all, for the record: I had nothing to do with this
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Don't fuckin lie to me
Tony: Even if I was would you really want to know? That'd just be another problem with you and Johnny right?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Alright look I know your not earning what your expecting. And you got the twins and Nancy. Your a capable guy. Your mother let it slip one time. you got an IQ of one fifty-eight
Tony: She told you that?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It was the week you got tested, all the fuckin nuns were raving about it
Tony: A lot of good it did me
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I had hopes when you got out
Tony: Yeah?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Guy like you: brains, balls. If you fuckin be straight with me I could use all that
Tony: "Put me in coach"
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Alright we got the casino over on Bloomfield Avenue above the hardware store. Carlo's guy was running it but he just got diagnosed with the Hodgkin
Tony: That's mine?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah, a lot of fuckin money there. I'll see what I can do about you getting "straightened out." Opening up the books for you. Long overdue
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [while visiting him in prison, talking through telephone intercom] three fuckin weeks it took you to put me on your visitor's list?
Junior: I was being careful: these motherless fucks listen to everything
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: A nephew is visiting his uncle... who loves him
Junior: I got nothing to say to you
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So many tragedies and near tragedies close to you huh?
Junior: Don't be so smart: things could've gone the other way my little nephew
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah but they didn't. So what's all this shit I'm hearing about your heart?
Junior: This problem between you and me had, I want you to know your mother had nothing to do with it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: She's dead to me
Junior: She's a sick woman, she don't have all her marbles
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Who the fuck you kiddin? It's killing you that people are talkin and an old woman made an asshole out of you
Junior: That's half as bad are the rumors floating around this place is about you: how Tony Soprano likes to fluff up his mother's pillows so she can get a nice long sleep
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Who said that?
Junior: You want to make all this nonsense disappear? Make peace with her: make it look like there's no bad blood, it'll be good for all of us
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No fuckin way. You tell that fat fuck Bacala, to come out from his mouse hole, I want to see him tomorrow
Junior: [Before Tony angrily hangs up the phone and leaves] what for?
Tony: [after stapling Mikey's chest] What are you screaming about? Free alterations!
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [to Carmela and Tony during Tony's therapy session] so things are better then? Since our first session?
Carmela: Yes I guess, we seem to talk more easily
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Sometimes painful sessions can break the "log jam"
Carmela: [Referring to Tony remaining silent] yes, then there's this
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [to Tony] you're being particularly quiet today,
Tony: Sometimes I got nothing to say
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Anthony, Carmela is here, she's giving up her time to talk about your panic attacks
Tony: A young man who worked for us at Barone sanitation died
Carmela: Who?
Tony: You don't know him. He died that's all, a "work related" death. It's sad when they go so young
Tony: [while in Satriale's] You don't look so good
Agent: [referring to the stress his going through] This job
Tony: want a sandwich, Cannoli, on the house?
Agent: [shakes his head, referring to his diagnosis] Microbe virus from Pakistan
Tony: [confused] Still?
Agent: Got a minute? We'd like to show you some pictures
Tony: [jokingly] Angelina Jolie, I hope?
Agent: [when Harris shows Tony pictures of Ahmed and Muhammad] These the gentlemen?
Tony: That's them
Tony: [after Harris quickly puts the photos away] What the fuck? What?
Agent: Don't know, financing maybe?
Tony: [surprised] "Maybe"?
Agent: Yeah, honestly, I don't even know if we still have them in the country
Tony: [while watching a boxing match together in the hospital, referring to the boxer Da Lux bet on] your boy's getting tired
Da: The fool's costing me fifty G's
Tony: Who'd you play the action with?
Da: Pinnacle
Tony: Online? What price did they give you on Alverez?
Da: Three fifty
Tony: My friend here give you three seventy-five, right Paulie?
Tony: [after Paulie remains silent, referring to the boxer during the break] I wonder what kind of health insurance his getting?
Paulie: It's a life of abuse
John: Well, he is a boxer
Paulie: It's the same for everybody. Look at you T, you do your uncle a kindness: get shot for your efforts. You think you got family? In the end, they fuck you too
Tony: [to everyone in the room] His grieving, his aunt just died
Paulie: [Referring to the boxer] I'll tell ya each and every one of us are alone in the ring, fighting for our lives, just like that poor prick
John: Well, that's one way to look at it
Paulie: You got another one?
John: Don't get me started, it's complicated
Paulie: You think I'm stupid?
John: It's actually an illusion those two boxers as separate entities
Paulie: What the fuck?
John: The separate entities is simply the way we chose to perceive them
Tony: I didn't choose nothing
John: It's physics. Schrodinger's Equation: the boxers, you, me are all part of the same quantum field
Blinged: You ever substitute teach at Carter Middle School?
Tony: His a rocket scientist for Christ's sake, Bell labs
Tony: [to Schwinn] you were saying?
John: Well, think of those two boxers as ocean waves or two currents of air, two tornadoes, they appear to be two things right? Two separate things but they're not. The tornadoes are just wind stirred up in different directions. The fact is nothing is separate, everything is connected
Da: Everything is everything, I'm down with that
Phil: [after Johnny Sack bursts into tears after being arrested by the FBI in front of everyone] I'll tell you one thing and I'm not ashamed to say it, my estimation of John Sacrimoni as a man just fucking plummeted.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Give him a break, will ya? It's an emotional day.
Phil: To cry like a woman? It's a fucking disgrace!
Paulie: It's fucking coach turned into a pumpkin.
Phil: Even Cinderella didn't cry!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Look, when it comes to daughters, all bets are off. I've seen tougher guys than John cry at weddings.
Phil: OK, but let me ask you this: if they can make him cry, and if he's that weak, what the fuck else can they make him do?
Christopher: I gotta agree with Phil, Tone.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [angrily] Oh you do, do ya?
Wedding: Terrible out there, huh?
Phil: He's an emotional man. LOVES his daughter.
Dr. John Kennedy: [Chuckles, accepting Tony's gift] well I guess I could use some extra distance
Tony: Who couldn't?
Tony: [Starts walking closer to him with Furio to intimidate him] you know my uncle, his not doing so well. His got a bad reaction to that Chemo
Dr. John Kennedy: That happens all the time, there's nothing I can really do
Furio: You know there are worst things that can happen to a person than cancer
Tony: [Continues walking closer to him until Kennedy's right foot steps into the pond] my uncle thinks his going to die. His convinced of it. You know how old people are with their superstitions. He thinks it's because he went against you
Dr. John Kennedy: I'm just a surgeon that's all
Tony: Show that man the respect he deserves: answer his phone calls
Dr. John Kennedy: [Takes out a digital recorder to record a message for his secretary, before Tony slaps the recorder out of his hand and into the pond] "Cheryl, make sure Mr. Soprano is scheduled for..."
Tony: [Before driving off in a golf cart] just remember it
Tony: What're you doing?
Patsy: [while adding the total with a calculator] Receipts from Sunday's game
Tony: You got a problem?
Patsy: [caught off guard by his question] What Tone?
Tony: I said you got a problem?
Patsy: [confused] With what Tone?
Tony: I don't know, I heard you got a fuckin problem? Like you don't like being here?
Patsy: I like being here
Tony: You sure?
Patsy: Yeah
Tony: You sure?
Patsy: Yeah
Tony: Don't say you're sure when you're not sure, you put your grief behind you? Let me hear you say it
Patsy: [adamantly] I put the grief behind me
Meadow: Are you in the Mafia?
Tony: Am I in the what?
Meadow: Whatever you want to call it. Organized crime.
Tony: That's total crap, who told you that?
Meadow: Dad, I've lived in the house all my life. I've seen the police come with warrants. I've seen you going out at three in the morning.
Tony: So you never seen Doc Cusamano going out at three in the morning on a call?
Meadow: Did the Cusamano kids ever find $50,000 in krugerrandts and a .45 automatic while they were hunting for Easter eggs?
Tony: I'm in the waste management business. Everybody immediately assumes you're mobbed up. It's a stereotype. And it's offensive. And you're the last person I would want to perpetuate it... There is no Mafia.
Meadow: Fine.
Tony: Alright look, Mead, you're a grown woman, almost. Some of my money comes from illegal gambling and whatnot. How does that make you feel?
Meadow: At least you don't keep denying it, like Mom. Kids in school think it's actually kinda neat.
Tony: They seen "The Godfather", right?
Meadow: Not really. "Casino" we like, Sharon Stone, the 70's clothes, pills...
Tony: I'm not asking about those bums. I'm asking about you.
Meadow: Sometimes I wish you were like other dads. But then, like... Mr. Scangarelo for example? An advertising executive for big tobacco. Or lawyers? So many dads are full of shit.
Tony: Oh, and I'm not.
Meadow: You finally told the truth about this.
Tony: Look, Mead, part of my income comes from legitimate businesses, stock market...
Meadow: Look, Dad, please, okay? Don't start mealy-mouthing.
Phil: [while entering the room] Anthony
Tony: [Gestures to him to close the door]
Phil: John doesn't want another unfortunate incident. His willing to let you keep your paycheck and your W-2 for ten years. To replace your skim, he'll jack up the sales price to twelve percent
Tony: No more skim? Truth be told, there's enough garbage for everybody
Phil: Does that mean we got a deal?
Tony: [Before shaking hands] yeah we got a deal
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Sad day.
Junior: Mm hmm. Kid was always a dumb fuck though, wasn't he? Didn't he almost drown in three inches of water?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: The penguin exhibit. Jack always tried to lay off all Jackie's problems on a learning disorder, but...
[thinks for a moment]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well, stupidity would be a learning disorder, wouldn't it?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [on Janice's calm discipline after Anger Management classes] Mahatma Gandhi over here. Nice.
Tony: [to Richie Aprile] Don't give me your fucking Manson lamps. Just fucking stop it. Understand?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I was wondering who's Z24 was sitting in the driveway, what? You get a new car?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: yeah
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You want anything? A coke?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: No, I'm set. I heard about Ralph Cifaretto... that he got passed over
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [surprised] you heard about what? Who?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: I'm just saying Ralph, it's probably a smart move. I mean the more I get to know him, his kind of a cool guy but...
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [interrupts him] it's none of your fuckin concern, you told me you were gonna go to college then I gotta hear Christopher's shit about you?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: [realizes Christopher told Tony that Jackie Jr. drove the getaway car for the robbery on his college campus] oh, you talked to Chris, oh shit
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: That's right. I promised your dad: don't make this hard on me. I already got him once to bust my balls
Meadow: [after arriving home carrying her laundry bag] hey Jackie, what're you doing here?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: waiting for you
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What? I don't get a hello?
Meadow: I need two hundred dollars for November to put in my student account
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [irritated] You don't talk to me for weeks but my money's still green
Meadow: [sarcastically] I'm looking forward to total independence, believe me. African Americans go to Columbia dad, some of them are my friends
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [referring to Noah Tannenbaum] friend, my ass, under a blanket, on my couch, watching television with his shoes off, with you
Furio: [while entering the kitchen] what's the smell is in this house? It's like the smell of heaven
Carmela: Homemade scones, my son loves them. Here try one, they're just out of the oven
Furio: No, thank you
A.J. Soprano: Well, that's all there is for breakfast? Just fat and carbs?
Carmela: Excuse me, we have guest you think you might say hello?
A.J. Soprano: [ignores her, continues to read from his paper about the novel Billy Budd by Herman Melville to his mother] anyway, "when Mr. Claggart gets mad at Billy, it is a surprise because his always saying how handsome Billy is, this does not seem realistic because why would an officer care if a sailor was handsome or not?"
Carmela: [after Tony walks downs the stars and takes a bite from a scone] AJ, your father's living I'll come up in a minute, go over it
Carmela: [Reads from the envelop Tony hands her] what is this? Ocean Club at Paradise Island
Tony: We leave tomorrow for three beautiful days
Carmela: Tomorrow?
Tony: I know its short notice but the deal came through, got a view suite, first class plane tickets, a guy owes me a favor
Tony: [Seeing her worried] what?
Carmela: I don't know, AJ? School?
Tony: His old enough to spoil himself now. I saw how jealous you were when I left for Florida
Carmela: [Giving him reasons why it's not a practical time for them to go on a vacation] my mother with the skin condition, just the time it's going to take to pack
Tony: To pack?
Furio: [Sensing they want to talk privately] I'll wait outside
Tony: All the shit's that's been going on, the horse and all. I know you need a break: deep down it's probably why you got your hair cut
[Tony urges Dr. Melfi to get out of town for a while]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I have patients who are suicidal!
Tony: Well they're not gonna feel any better about their life if you get clipped.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after Christopher is harshly beaten] Does it hurt?
Christopher: They gave me some aspirin.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well enjoy it, cause it's the last fucking drug you're ever gonna take.
Christopher: I'm sorry, T.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Shut the fuck up and listen to me. You're my nephew, Christopher, and I love you. And that's the only reason you're alive right now. If it had been anybody else, anybody, they would have had that fuckin' intervention right through the back of their head. You and me, we're close. We've done a lot of things for eachother.
Christopher: A cop shot my father. I know what you're telling me. I'll never forget that.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: And this is how you repay me. I gotta worry if you're gonna flip over a nickel bag of white powder!
Christopher: No, Tony, never.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You lied to me. I told you you were the future of this family, I gave you that responsibilty and you looked me in the eye and you accepted it, and you were fucking high!
Christopher: [tearfully] Tony...
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Shut up. Tomorrow you're gonna go with Patsy up to this rehab place in Pennsylvania. You're going in, you're staying in, you're gonna do every fucking session and you're gonna keep your mouth shut. Now if you need anything. Anything at all, Patsy's gonna be half a mile away from you in a motel. Do you understand what I'm saying? Do you?
Christopher: [crying] Tony, I'm sorry! How'd I fucking get to this?
Tony: I got a phone call from some young kid Drew, he wanted to know when you were coming home?
Janice: How'd he sound?
Tony: He sounded like he was about fifteen years old... wait, is that your so called fiancée?
Janice: His nineteen actually and he can go all night
Tony: [not wanting to talk about her sex life] So, when you are you going back to Seattle?
Janice: It depends how long it takes to settle ma's estate
Tony: you know how much we love you and you know how much we love having you around, but there's a whole big house over there and I know you want maximum value. So maybe for security reasons so it don't fall into disrepair, you could stay there?
Janice: I've been thinking the same thing, I just don't want to push Svetlana out
Tony: Yeah, well, I talked to her, she's gonna be moving out tomorrow maybe the next day
Janice: Really?
Tony: Yeah
Janice: Great, I better go pack
Tony: What?
Tony: I don't know, it's hard seeing you like this
Tony: What, working with a real job? Like I've been telling Feech, It's been a long strange trip
Tony: Feech? Anyway, it's a luck of the draw that shit: it could've been just as easily as me that went away
Tony: [after Tony B shrugs] Come on, I was gonna be there the night of the hijacking
Tony: It ain't like you came away totally un-scaved
Tony: No, a couple of goons jumped me and cut my head open. I couldn't go, but still...
Tony: It could've killed you: ended up in the ER
Tony: I got sixteen stiches, you got fifteen years
Tony: You were always a lucky fuck
Tony: Well, that's not completely true, I got other sorrows
Tony: [when seeing her opening a parcel] What's that?
Carmela: I got a mysterious package: postmarked Las Vegas
Carmela: [after opening the gift box, reading the brand name, and seeing the expensive watch] Baume & Mercier, oh my God, this is so beautiful
Tony: [shows her the inscription on the back of the watch] I had it engraved, here
Carmela: [reading the engraving] You are my life, love T
Tony: [referring to the limited space on the watch] they couldn't fit Tony
Carmela: [jokingly, pats him on the stomach] I believe that, thank you but I don't know what it's for?
Tony: Like I said, I was sorry I had to go out to Vegas when I did
Carmela: Once you said you had to take care of Christopher's business interests, God knows Kelli will need the money: the baby
Carmela: [after Meadow knocks on their bedroom door] Come in
Meadow: I need to talk to you guys
Tony: What's the matter? Finn?
Meadow: No, not about me: AJ
Carmela: what about him?
Meadow: [referring to his fiancé Blanca breaking up with him] I know his upset but his been saying some "things" that are really disturbing
Carmela: Like what?
Meadow: Like "Nobody gives a shit about him", "What's the point of anything", stuff like that. I told you about that girl Hadley sophomore year, the one who threw herself off the library balcony? These are the exact kind of "things" she was saying, I don't mean to get you all upset
Carmela: Of course not. I'm glad you said something
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: When you're married, you'll understand the importance of fresh produce!
Tony: This is gonna sound stupid, but I saw at one point that our mothers are... bus drivers. No, they are the bus. See, they're the vehicle that gets us here. They drop us off and go on their way. They continue on their journey. And the problem is that we keep tryin' to get back on the bus, instead of just lettin' it go.
Valentina: [In the hospital room, after Tony just told her he's going back to live at home with Carmela] I'll kill myself!
Tony: [his phone rings] I gotta take this.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: All right, spit it out. Whenever I bring her up, you get this weird puss, and then you ask me, "does she seem happy?" like maybe she's not. Or, "does she remind you of somebody?" with that weird puss on, like you don't like it. "Our mo fo" or whatever the fuck you call our relationship!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You're getting better, that's the important thing. You look better too.
Corrado: If you're gonna lie to me, tell me there's a broad waiting in the car who wants to tongue my balls.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You want that, it's a phone call away.
Tony: [while talking privately in Junior's doctor's clinic] so you ok with this?
Corrado: Do I got a "choice"?
Tony: [jokingly] Yeah, you got a "choice", you can continue running the game
Corrado: You know I'm under fuckin house arrest you "cute" fuck
Tony: Well, then take the "bite" I give you and be happy: either way, I'm having the Executive Game
Corrado: You know, your father and me started that game over thirty years ago, we were talking one day on how credit card companies you know, how they worked their "angle?" They didn't care what the fuck you bought: as long as you didn't pay all at once. They'd "juice" your debt and you'd thank them for letting you have one of their cards. There's a certain kind of player: that's why we call it the "Executive Game", my brother Johnny was one keen motherfucker
Tony: [Sarcastically] oh yeah, that's why he left us with Chee Chee Beans
Corrado: [Amused] you don't know what you're talking about. Your father left Livia with a "package" that could choke a fuckin elephant. I gotta tell you? She's like a woman with a Virginia ham under her arm and crying the blues because she has no bread. Please, they don't make them like Johnny
Sushi: [while in a Japanese restaurant, gesturing to each piece of sushi after serving it to them] Spicy shrimp handroll: that's Nori's favorite. Special eel tail, and oysters, you tell me when you want to stop
Tony: keep it coming
Carmela: I don't know about you, but ever since we found this place, I catch myself fantasying about this
Tony: [jokingly] Me too, sometimes during sex
Carmela: So, I had a nightmare the other night, did I wake you up?
Tony: No
Carmela: [referring to Adriana La Cerva who supposedly ran away] Ade was in the house, my spec house
Tony: What, was she gonna buy it?
Carmela: We were just talking. Speaking of which, did you call that guy? The inspector at the building department?
Tony: I will, I promise
Carmela: His coming on Friday, it could the last chance I get a reversal on the stop work order
Tony: Alright, I'll call
Carmela: I wonder where she is?
Carmela: [when he doesn't respond] Ade
Tony: I told you: she probably met some guy
Carmela: Not call anyone for over a year?
Tony: [when eating a piece] What's this? There's sauce on the shrimp
Carmela: [after the waitress serves them another platter of sushi] So, I was over by Ginny's, that situation is not going so well, Johnny couped up, awaiting trial. Plus, now their fighting asset seizure, they could lose everything, the house, the condo by the shore
Tony: You know Jimmy Petrille? The rat that gave up John? He was like an uncle to him, why do you think I toss at night? It ain't just the apnea
Carmela: I noticed you haven't been taking your antidepressants
Tony: [jokingly] And yet the bonefish are back in season: we should count our blessings, the kind of season I just had
Carmela: Your right, we're very lucky
Tony: forty dollars for a piece of fish they flew in first class. I think we're more than lucky?
Tony: So your father tells me you're takin' up astronomy in college.
Kevin: No, business.
Tony: Well, how come he keeps sayin' you're takin' up space in school?
Salvatore: [laughs] Madon'. Don't make me laugh. Kills my back.
Tony: He's a good lookin' kid. Sure he's yours?
Tony: [in a high class restaurant] You said you wanted to be a lawyer for black people.
Meadow: Oh, that's all I said? Really? What I said was "The state can crush the individual."
Tony: New Jersey?
Meadow: The government. Specifically, the federal government.
Tony: And what about little babies? They face, uh, meningitis.
Meadow: You know what really turned me? Seeing the way Italians are treated. It's like Mom says. And if we can have our rights trampled like that, imagine what it's like for recent arrivals.
Tony: Well...
Meadow: If I hadn't seen you dragged away all those times by the FBI, then I'd probably be a boring suburban doctor.
Tony: [referring to attacking Phil's crime family] We gotta hit first
Tony: [referring to agent Harris giving him information on Phil Leotardo] This hooked up tells me all the information I got that this cocksucker already has a target on my back
Silvio: It's a big move
Tony: [asking Bobby for his opinion] So?
Bobby: When he stuck you with the tab on Vito Jr., I said let it go. Obviously, truth is, a fuck like Phil, appeasement don't work
Mikey: Your nephew, what's he... retarded? He likes to play with trucks or something?
Tony: Retarded? What if Jerry Lewis heard you talkin' like that?
Mikey: No, that's muscular dystrophy, Tone.
Tony: It's too bad they don't have a telethon for fuckface-itis, huh? They find a cure yet?
Tony: [Referring to his father] I don't fuckin live with my mistress. I mean his fuckin slippers?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Go on
Tony: When I left there, I started thinking about it: when I was sixteen years old I came home from school and there was this note from my aunt Quinn. My mother became pregnant, another kid after my sister Barbra "change of life" baby they called it. She started bleeding and I was supposed to find my father and get him over there ASAP. I called every number I had. I left messages all over town then finally ten o'clock at night he called me back. He came and got me the next morning. We went to the hospital, walked into her room. She could've fuckin died from a miscarriage, fuck her
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Was there any blame on his part? This man you emulate? The lies? The betrayals with other women?
Tony: [Remains silent]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Listen to me, this is very important, your mother had her faults but after all this time what should we do with this woman? Burn her at the stake? You need to forgive her and move on
Tony: [Realizes she's right by changing the subject] she made my father give my dog away
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I thought your father was a big tough guy?
Tony: He probably he didn't want to hear her bullshit anymore, gave my dog away to his girlfriend's kid, big fuckin deal, if it was up to her, she would've had it killed
Meadow: Dad, give it up. We're not gonna make it to aunt patty's. Dad, hello. We're not gonna make it to aunt patty's.
Tony: Why did i buy a goddamn off road vehicle?
A.J. Soprano: To waste petrochemical resources?
Meadow: [surprised to see him at the club Crazy Horse] What're you doing here?
Tony: I got an office here: you come down with Finn?
Meadow: And some people
Tony: Promise me, no drinking and driving
Meadow: Who's your designated driver?
Tony: I'm not the one with all the dents in their car
Tony: [kisses her] Alright, have fun, huh? Need some money?
Tony: [before she goes into the restroom] Have a good time sweetheart, be careful
Corrado: [not realizing who he is because his suffering from Dementia] hello
Tony: [while his visiting him at a nursing home] you don't recognize me?
Corrado: [mistaken him for Tony's father] we used to play catch
Tony: you don't remember that you shot me?
Corrado: [ignoring him, remains silent, and looks out the window]
Tony: enough with the fucking birds, I'm Anthony, Johnny's son.
Corrado: the fuck do you want,? A boot in your rear?
Tony: alright listen to me, uncle Pat came to see me, about Janice, and about your money
Corrado: People keep asking me, I don't know. There's a man from another "galaxy" that came here.
Tony: [reminding him his accountant's voice is disfigured because he uses a Electrolarynx in order to speak] That's your accountant.
Corrado: I'm confused
Tony: any money should go to Bobby Bacala's kids but Janice may not do that but Bobby was with us, his a "made guy", it wouldn't right
Corrado: Me? I never had kids
Tony: [referring to the money he hid from the authorities] if you remember where your "stash" is, you let uncle Pat know, as head of the family, I'll hold onto it as a guardian for Bobby's kids, you remember Bobby?
Corrado: [insistent] Sure
Tony: You don't know who I am, do ya? You remember Johnny? Johnny Boy, your kid brother? "This thing of ours"?
Corrado: [referring to the Cosa Nostra] I was involved in that?
Tony: Yeah. You and my Dad. You two ran North Jersey.
Corrado: We did?
Tony: Yeah.
Corrado: Hm, that's nice.
Tony: [Meeting privately in a car] I thought you weren't coming
Agent: You don't want to know
Tony: Actually I do
Agent: We had Intel that a Sulafa cell was at Newark Airport boarding some man into a 767 to London
Tony: Your right I don't want to know
Agent: We get this all the time our source was either wrong or it done to study our response time
Tony: It happens all the time?
Agent: What's up my friend?
Tony: My kid is obsessed with this shit his making a molar out of this, is he right?
Agent: [Harris' cell phone rings and answers it] Hey, probably another hour just leave it out I'll heat it up then don't leave it out, what do you want me to say?
[hangs up]
Tony: You got tough enough of a job with this terrorism shit I'll let you get home, the reason I called is because those two Arabs that turned you onto when I happened to remember my nephew mentioned a bank that they had an account a branch Demeter Merchant Bank
Agent: You just remembered that?
Tony: Yeah
Agent: Thanks
Tony: I know you that friend in the Brooklyn office is it possible he knows where Phil Leotardo is? I want to avoid any more of my guys getting hurt
[Harris chuckles]
Tony: I'm just saying if you heard anything from your pal
Agent: I haven't
Tony: I figured money sent to the Middle East
Agent: You're overreaching
[Tony leaves]
Tony: here we all are
Angelo: right, I called you boys because Lorraine calls me and she said there's a "situation" in our family that's gotten out of hand with John and little Carmine
Lorraine: fuckin Johnny: he wouldn't even let the maggots get on Carmine before his telling me to "kick up" direct to him
Tony: the problem is Carmine never named his successor and we all assumed it'd be Johnny because his son's down in Miami with the discos and what not
Angelo: [to Tony] his grabbing with both hands: John, "this" could get ugly there's a lot of "potential" for bloodshed
Jason: [interrupting them] "potential?" They almost killed us
Lorraine: Jason, men are talking here
Angelo: [to Tony] now your close to John, do you have any ideas?
Junior: [answering for Tony] What are you asking him for? He never even had the makings of a varsity athlete
Angelo: Your point being what, Junior?
Tony: [answering for Junior] no, forget it, he's just breakin balls. One thought I had, in the interest of harmony, maybe there could be a power sharing "situation"?
Lorraine: the Sopranos have two bosses
Junior: that's not all it's cracked up to be: believe you, me
Tony: [to Junior] let's not get into "that" right now
Tony: [to Angelo] What I was think was three bosses, like a "tri-umber thing", like Caesar: Little Carmine, Johnny, and you
Angelo: I'm retired
Tony: you were Carmine's consigliere for over thirty years, if it wasn't for that little construction beef down in Yonkers, it'd be you running that family today
Angelo: things happen how they happen
Tony: think about it: it doesn't have to be 9-5, you can still take your grandson to the park. Things get "heavy", your just another voice to "weigh in" and John still does better financially than he ever did under Carmine
Carmela: Just for the record, I would have gone on with your cheating, and your bullshit, if your attitude around here had been the least bit loving, concerned, interested.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Whose idea was Whitecaps?
Carmela: That's just a bigger version of an emerald ring. So you can go on with your other life.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You don't know me at all.
Carmela: I know you better than anybody, Tony, even your friends. Which is probably why you hate me?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Hate you? I don't hate you, but hey, I'm going to hell when I die. Nice thing to say to a guy headed into an MRI.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Alright just relax, focus on your breathing, slowly
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It's not that I just...
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: No, please focus. I've got my medical bag in case
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I had a fight with my mother and had a fuckin panic attack
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Ok forget that for now
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Carmella was supposed to come over with some fuckin yarn for booties she was making for Meadow. She was late, oh why the fuck go into it?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Close your eyes, focus on your breathing
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: She was carrying on and I say to her "Carmella loves you, you've got to understand she's got a three month old," she kept going on and I started screaming at her so I left. I went over to the car then boom and cut my fuckin head open
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: And your cousin doesn't know this?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No I lied. What am I going to tell them? I had a fight with my mother and fainted? That's why I missed the job. Jesus fuckin Christ!
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: That's a lot to get off your chest
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I thought I was smart and that's why I bumped him up to protect him, it turns out I'm just a robot to my own pussy-ass weakness
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: His also a capable person
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know sometimes what happens in here is like taking a shit.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Yes. Ok. Although I prefer to think of it as childbirth.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Trust me. It's like taking a shit.
Paulie: Hey, Tone. Remember when we all rented that house down the Shore? With the bedbugs? Heh, heh.
Tony: [nods]
Peter: Summer of '78. Carlo, Silvio, Frankie Napoli.
Paulie: Place up the beach. Sonny Spits from the Bronx rented it? That's where that hippie kid "mysteriously" drowned during that party. Heh, heh.
Tony: [glares at Paulie]
Peter: Hey, Tony. You OK?
Tony: Yeah, yeah.
Paulie: You sure, T? You're being kinda quiet.
Tony: Well, it's 'cause, uh, "remember when" is the lowest form of conversation.
Tony: [gets up and leaves]
Neil: [after Tony places a case of champagne on his desk] what's all this?
Tony: [jokingly] you looked thirsty the last time I saw you
Tony: [sarcastically as Neil gives Tony back a bag of money he asked him to hold for him] Oh, yeah, I knew I left this some place
Neil: [walks to the front of his desk] Anything new?
Tony: You know, keeping busy
Neil: [while lighting a cigar for Tony] Carmela? The kids?
Tony: Good, you know school shit
Neil: You bet that game last night?
Tony: [referring to the bag of money] Yeah, what'd you think I need this for?
Tony: [after sitting down] so, what do I owe you counselor?
Neil: you pay me when I actually have to do something
Tony: Let's hope that fuckin day never comes right?
Neil: It almost did very recently
Tony: [sarcastically] here we go: the Neil Mink lecture series
Neil: well, isn't it fair to say we were staring into the abyss? A very close call with the brush on that murder beef
Tony: I told you, I was home alone
Neil: [jokingly] you and Macaulay Culkin: except neither one of you would've been alone. Champagne's nice. You want to give me a real gift? Insulate yourself from these shenanigans, I told you once already
Tony: [irritated] I do, I am, what the fuck do you want from me?
Neil: [sternly] Use one of the businesses we've got doing something besides showing income on a tax return: spend some time at Garden State Refinery
Tony: Oh, please, do you know what boiling fat smells like?
Neil: you have an office at Barone Sanitation: get your ass out of that strip club and go there
Tony: Alright, I hear ya
Neil: the FEDS are a business, millions of tax dollars in watching your ass. Sooner or later, just like you, their gonna want a return on that investment
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Jesus Christ, you did it. You cooked that fuckin' horse alive!
Ralph: No, I did NOT! But so what?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So what?
Ralph: It was a fucking animal! A hundred grand a piece! My kid's in a fuckin' hospital! I don't hear you complaining though, when I bring you a nice fat envelope, you don't give a shit where that comes from! Don't give me that look! It was a fucking horse! What are you, a vegetarian? You eat beef and sausage by the cartload!
Tony: I stopped at a light yesterday and I see this nanny, black girl, pushin' a baby carriage. Comin' the other way, was another one with this old lady in a wheelchair starin' off into space.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: The circle of life.
Tony: Circle-jerk of life. Where's the dignity?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: If you're lucky, in the end you can let go of you pride. Let your loved ones care for you.
Tony: I'd rather they hold a pillow over my face.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I find it interesting you would say that. You tried to smother your mother with a pillow.
Tony: What?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: In the hospital after her stroke.
Tony: The fuck I did! I grabbed a pillow but it was... just to keep my hands occupied.
Junior: Ralphie Cifaretto got word to me
Tony: So, what does he want?
Junior: He wants a bump up to captain. The kid's been a top fuckin earner ever since that rat bastard went into the program. You can't deny it. Ralphie whipped Richie's crew into shape over there
Tony: [Referring to Richie Aprile] And three months ago by you the rat bastard was a second fuckin coming why do you do this to me?
Junior: Because I'm the boss of this family you forget
Tony: I forget nothing, don't make me say things to you we'll both regret
Junior: Go ahead I'm fuckin fed up
Tony: I'm on the street, that's the arrangement: stay home, collect your coupons, and be a happy man
Junior: Things are good I'll grant you that but this economy is so robust you get credit for shit you had nothing to do with. Fuckin chinks and housewives are betting foot ball
Tony: You better be finished
Tony: I was feeling good, all of a sudden I'm back to square one
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What'd you mean?
Tony: I had another one of those panic attacks this morning, but not the whole thing. It was right there under the surface, that feeling like I got Ginger ale in my brain
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Are you taking your medication?
Tony: Not everyday
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Is that what the prescription says?
Tony: [Implying his not following the prescription instructions] another thing to feel bad about
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Well, can you tell me what led up to this?
Tony: [Takes his notepad out of his back pocket and tosses it on her coffee table] you want my log? That I'm supposed to write everything down for you? Look, it's the shit I've got to do for Christmas
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: All this pressure we put on ourselves this time of the year, they call it "stress-mas"
Tony: That's cute, I was looking forward to Christmas this year, no shit but here I go right back into the "rabbit hole"
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: OK let's do the drill, the panic attack, what preceded it?
Tony: Well, yesterday I went down to the shore to get my boat winterized
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What happened?
Tony: I started thinking about this "thing" that happened years ago and I haven't thought about it since it happened
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Tell me about it
Tony: I can't
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I see, we're at one of our favorite "junk-shers"
Tony: Without going into specifics I can tell you he was a friend of mine and I found out he was working for the federal government
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Remains silent]
Tony: Enough said?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I see
Tony: Did I ruin your Christmas?
Artie: [as Tony arrives to visit him in the hospital] oh Jesus
Tony: What happened?
Artie: [Referring to the investment he tried to make with Jean-Philippe] it went to shit. The "Next Vodka."
Tony: [Referring to his suicide attempt] so, this is what you do?
Artie: You don't understand. The money is gone
Tony: Can't you come talk to me? Hey, I'm your friend. Suppose you hadn't been able to reach me and I come over to your house and I find you dead, how am I supposed to feel?
Artie: [Before crying] take the restaurant
Tony: I don't want the fuckin restaurant
Artie: How am I going to pay you back? Fifty thousand dollars, it'd take the rest of my life
Tony: It's fifty-one five, "vig"-wise, and technically you already missed a payment. Alright, look, we'll wipe my tab at the restaurant
Artie: Thank you, Tony, that's what? Six-thousand dollars? What about the rest of the money?
Tony: I'll assume the guy's debt. Collecting fifty G's
Artie: Thank you. The "cobwebs" are now removed"
Tony: The fuck you talking about?
Artie: You saw this whole thing didn't you? You knew exactly what was going to happen. You can see twenty moves down the road. Please, I don't blame you, I envy you. It's like an instinct: like a hawk sees a little mouse moving around in a corn field from a mile up
Tony: You think it's my fault you're fuckin lying in here?
Artie: It's just that somebody mentions fifty grand to bankroll a French thief and your mind goes through all the permutations at like internet speed and realizes "oh worst case scenario, I eat for free"
Tony: You fuckin suicide, you're disgraceful
Artie: I'm sorry
Tony: No fuck that, is there anybody else know that it was me I loaned you the money?
Artie: Like who?
Tony: Like who? I don't give a fuck who: Adriana, Father Intintola, my wife, anybody?
Tony: [after Artie shakes his head] You got mugged outside your house. It was a "street crime", kids, they took the wallet and your watch. Where are they?
Artie: Why?
Tony: Why? You don't care what people think? Well I do. Enough people hate me. You fought back. They ripped your earring out of your ear, you were bleeding, and went inside your house. You took a bunch of pills to kill the pain because you knew you had to wait at the emergency room for a couple hours
Artie: Tone, they pumped my stomach. They saw the Armagnac
Tony: You got fuckin mugged! Do you understand me? I didn't loan you shit!
Tony: [about Hesh] Did you see that pissy attitude? Come all the way out here to pick him up. Not to mention, give him his fuckin' vig in person. I mean, you believe this fuckin' guy?
Bobby: You should tell him to go fuck himself and his 200K. And what's he gonna do about it?
Tony: And not pay my debts? Head of the family? How's that gonna look?
Carlo: Who's gonna know? It's like Eddie Valentine.
Tony: The guy from Philly? With the polio leg and the built up shoe?
Carlo: Nah, from the fuckin' "Twilight Zone". You musta seen that one. He's a small time hood, he gets shot...
Tony: Maybe you should start sucking cock instead of watching TV Land 'cause Vito brought in three times what you do on construction! Yeah! And I didn't have this fuckin' problem!
Walden: [Paulie walks into the main room in Satriale's and sees the cat staring at the photo of Christopher] yeah, he does that all the time, sometimes he spends most of the day just staring at his picture you know their funny that way, I had an aunt her cat would only sit at exact corners of the table staring out or the intersection of two walls staring in
Paulie: The fuck? This animal is history today, pick him up
Walden: You pick him up
Paulie: [Tony enters the room] T, you see this shit?
[Referring to the cat]
Paulie: he says he does it all time
Tony: [Referring to the cat] Oh yeah? Leave him, his a good guy
Paulie: Look at him staring at that dead kid, it gives me the fucking creeps
Tony: [to Walden] give us some privacy
Paulie: [to Walden] what the fuck kind of name is that for an Italian?
Walden: I was named after Mr. Bobby Darin, Walden Robert Cassotto
[Walden picks up the cat and leaves]
Tony: The Cifaretto crew, it's like a Chinese fire drill over there, especially now Carlo's absent
Paulie: I know
Tony: I want you to skipper that thing
Paulie: Really?
Tony: Fucking thing is like one big ATM machine, it's all in construction with New York, it falls right into your kick
Paulie: Yeah
Tony: Jesus Christ I thought you'd be pleased I didn't just hand you a diagnosis of the clap
Paulie: With all due respect I'd just like to mellow it a little
Paulie: Amazing thing about snakes is that they reproduce spontaneously.
Tony: What do you mean?
Paulie: They have both male and female sex organs. That's why somebody you don't trust you call a snake. How can you trust a guy who can literally go fuck themselves?
Tony: Don't you think that expression would've come from the Adam and Eve story? When the snake tempted Eve to bite the apple?
Paulie: Hey, snakes were fucking themselves long before Adam and Eve showed up, T.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Look Carmine, you basically know what's going on with your dad, Johnny, and us over in Jersey
Little: First let me say I understand and I appreciate the respect you've shown by coming down here and reaching out this time
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Always
Little: And I'll also go on record and say I know my old man can be a tough nut to crack
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I don't want to "crack nuts", but I will
Little: I feel the anger
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: When I try for the second time on a separate issue entirely to make an accommodation and he don't even make a counter offer: where's his respect?
Little: I have no way of knowing what kind of advice his getting from Johnny
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Johnny's always usually a voice of moderation: me and him get along good, so with all due respect let's not jump in and blame Johnny
Little: True, John's a pragmatist but his also a greedy mother fucker
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: He lives above his head
Little: Look Tony, all I can promise you is I will look into it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I understand you've got feel out your old man so we don't give you "armatz" for sticking your nose into it
Little: Tony I haven't been afraid of my father for quite some time
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Fair enough, but Carmine bear in mind he came onto my turf. He tried to recruit my mulignan. And worse, he roughed up my appraiser. If the proper response is not forthcoming in a business like time frame, my next move will not be further conversation
Little: I get it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Before shaking hands] oh, so you should know my next call will be to call Johnny Sack: to let him know we talked. he shouldn't feel blindsided
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Maybe you're feeling guilty
Tony: I don't see that. Why would I?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Because his a friend of yours and you're cuckolding him
Tony: [Remains silent, confused]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Cuckolding is when a man has an affair with another's wife
Tony: She's not his wife anyway, she's his comare
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: And therefore has no status anyway
Tony: Comare's has status. I mean it's not like in the old days when a man had a wife and then sort of a second wife. It used to be they'd take their wives out Fridays and comares on Saturdays or maybe it's the other way around? Anyway when I came up, it wasn't so formal. A business associate of mine has two full families. One up here, one down in Sea Girt, and the second wife bust his balls just as much as the first.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Sounds like a complicated arrangement. I'm afraid our time's up
Tony: Just give me another minute
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I have a patient waiting
Tony: Then let him wait, you make me wait out there all the time. I just want to ask if it's possible for a man to go out with a woman without really "doing anything" with them?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You'll have to be more specific
Tony: He likes them to hurt him, and that's it and he goes and "take care" of himself. His own needs.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: He sounds like a textbook masochist
Tony: You mean like S&M?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: The M part yes
Tony: I thought that stuff was just a run up to the act?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: That's the case for many people but not for people with paraphilias for them seeing humiliated becomes in of itself the sexual release like many other things it's rooted in childhood
Adriana: [Over the phone] Hello?
Tony: Yeah, it's me. Look everything's ok. Jesus I don't even know how to say this. It's Christopher, he tried to commit suicide.
Adriana: Oh my God, is he alright?
Tony: His fine. He was up by Ramapo, apparently took some pills and this trooper found him in a bathroom of this diner and brought him to the hospital. His mom's on her way up there now. Did he say anything to you? Did he "appear" suicidal?
Adriana: No.
Tony: Are you sure? Because his mom said he's very upset over something.
Adriana: [Remains silent]
Tony: Anyway, I'm on my way up there now and I'm going to send Sil by to pick you up then ok?
Adriana: Jesus Christ.
Tony: You know he's been drinking so he's probably fighting that heroin urge again, anyway Sil's on his way.
Adriana: Ok.
Johnny: [while having lunch at a golf club] I'm thinking of going for the acupuncture
Tony: Your shoulder again?
Johnny: It's those long drives: it's already tender
Tony: Next time we'll get you out there Angelo
Angelo: After eighteen years in the can, I'm just happy to be outside
Tony: What, they don't have any golf clubs at Leavenworth?
Angelo: [to Johnny, referring to Tony] his still a smart ass, this one
Johnny: Carmine, you alright? You barely touched your egg salad
Carmine: You smell that?
Johnny: What?
Carmine: burning hair
Johnny: I smell cut grass
Johnny: [to Tony] any word on your cousin getting out?
Angelo: [to Tony] Who's your cousin again?
Tony: Tony Blundetto
Angelo: oh, yeah, good guy, right, right. He was my best buddy inside
Johnny: [to Tony] You gonna give him a party?
Tony: Yeah, you know, get him laid
Carmela: Two weeks ago? Why didn't you say anything? Did you report it at least?
Meadow: Who? The rent-a-cops? Campus security is a joke
Carmela: Don't you think they should know they have a thief "preying" on the school?
Tony: [after entering the kitchen] Who? What're you talking about?
Meadow: [avoiding to involve him in their conversation] Nothing
Carmela: Her bike was stolen outside the library two weeks ago
Tony: The ten-speed? Did you lock it up?
Meadow: They used bolt cutters
Carmela: Some black guy from the neighborhood: one of the other kids saw him
Meadow: [irritated, noticing Tony smiling] What?
Tony: Did I say anything?
Tony: [while pouring himself a cup of orange juice, sarcastically] A black guy, imagine that
Carmela: [implying to him not to start an argument with Meadow after the incident between Tony and Meadow's African American boyfriend] Tony...
Tony: [sarcastically] You know, I can't believe it
Meadow: I'm not listening to this shit
Tony: Why don't you just admit it? You're thinking exactly what I'm thinking
Carmela: Tony, what did I say?
Tony: What is it my fault, you're twice as likely to get robbed by a black?
Meadow: [angrily] That is so fucking racist
Tony: It happens to be a fact
Meadow: [referring to the former Grand Wizard of the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan] Or who? David Duke?
Tony: No, try the FBI, I saw it on TV
Meadow: Oh, so now you're quoting the FBI?
Tony: I'm just telling you what I heard
Carmela: Tony, stop, now
Tony: Why?
Meadow: For your information, crime is an economic issue: not a racial one. White or African American, you're more likely to steal if you're in a lower income bracket which most African Americans are
Tony: Good, then next time, you'll feel better when the next one takes your car stereo
Meadow: [raises her voice] You are such a hypocrite
Tony: [raises his voice] This is what I've been trying to tell you all along: stay with your own people
Kelli: [while having dinner] I used to love that house, but now... it's so big, especially at night
Tony: You know if you're afraid, all you gotta do is call, aright? Two minutes, I'll be over
Kelli: [to him and Carmela] I know, you've been so great: both of you
Carmela: Meadow had another mystery date
Kelli: That sounds exciting
Tony: [to AJ] What're you doing? Sit
Carmela: I made your favorite: Steak Pizzaiola
Anthony: You know they spray virus on beef, rather than clean out the rat shit out of the slaughter houses?
Carmela: [surprised] What is this now?
Tony: [irritated] Jesus Christ
Anthony: It's true, read the paper
Tony: I do read the paper: never heard that
Anthony: I'm not talking about the sports page and the FDA, they approved a virus spray because it kills a similar bacteria found on meat
Tony: Must be a good thing then?
Anthony: Yeah, for the meatpackers: the fucking God and the bottom line
Tony: [gestures to Kelli and Caitlin, referring to Christopher's death] That's enough, we're trying to eat here and your upsetting people that been through a tragedy
Anthony: Fine, bury your head in the sand
Tony: [angrily] How about I bury your head in that fuckin wall instead?
Carmela: Tony...
Tony: [yells to AJ as AJ walks away, referring to AJ's lack of academic discipline, sarcastically] Twenty years he won't crack a book, all of a sudden, he's the world's foremost authority!
Carmela: Well, at least his getting an education
Tony: An education is getting a better job
Carmela: His actually reading: this can't be bad
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm like King Midas in reverse. Everything I touch turns to shit.
Gloria: [while in Melfi's waiting area, gestures to Melfi's office] You waiting somebody in there?
Tony: I got an appointment
Gloria: Did she double book us? I'm usually Thursday but I had to reschedule because of the holiday
Tony: This is when I usually come, I'm trying to... quit smoking
Gloria: [jokingly] Serial killer: I murdered seven relationships
Tony: [after laughing] Listen, your here, why don't you take my appointment?
Gloria: Oh, no I couldn't do that
Tony: It'd be my good deed for the day
Tony: You know what? This is bullshit.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What?
Tony: I haven't been able to tell anybody this. I'm fuckin' relieved.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Really?
Tony: He was a tremendous drag on my emotions and my thoughts about the future. I mean, to begin with, every morning I wake up thinkin' is this the day that one of my best friends is gonna dime me to the FBI? And a weak, fuckin' snivellin', lyin' drug addict? That's the worst kind of bet. The biggest blunder of my career is now gone. And I don't have to be confronted by that fact no more. And as a relative, a friend, someone you can count on?
[flicks his hand under his chin]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I see.
Tony: Let me tell you somethin'. I murdered friends before, even relatives. My cousin Tony, my best friend Puss... But this?
[wakes up from his dream]
Carmela: [Referring to Meadow] Alright, let's get her down here.
Tony: I guess, where is the bride of Frankenstein?
Carmela: She's still sleeping.
Tony: You're right, go wake her up.
Carmela: I wake her up?
Tony: Yeah, I want to get this shit out of the way before I go out.
Janice: Let her sleep, you guys are making too much of this.
Carmela: I don't think we're making enough, she was drunk.
Janice: It's her choice. There's a Zuni saying "For every twenty wrongs a child does, ignore nineteen."
Tony: There's an old Italian saying "You fuck up once, you lose two teeth."
Janice: See? That's what this is all about, ego and control.
Carmela: I beg your pardon?
Tony: No, please don't try and make sense with her.
Carmela: No, I want to understand this. Go ahead, tell me.
Janice: You want to hold onto control over a young woman whose entire biological determinism is to achieve independent thought and behavior. Because she's "exercised" her independence, you want to penalize her because you don't agree with her choices.
Carmela: [to Meadow while she walks into the kitchen] Well?
Carmela: Good morning, I'm sorry, is it afternoon?
Meadow: Mom, please.
Carmela: Please, what? You better have some answers, young lady.
Tony: Yeah, that's right.
Carmela: [after she remains silent] OK, fine, you're punished.
Meadow: For what? I didn't do anything.
Tony: Oh, you call what you did to grandma's house "nothing"?
Meadow: [Raising her voice] It wasn't my fault.
Carmela: It's never your fault, Meadow.
Meadow: It was just supposed to be me, Hunter, and the Mackalalooso twins and Steve shows up with his asshole friend Adam and a bunch of people from Bolton.
Tony: Oh, so Steve's walking around trying doorknobs until he hits the jackpot.
Meadow: No, Hunter goes and tells him.
Carmela: [Referring to Meadow constantly shifting blame to her friend Hunter] Oh, now with the "Hunter".
Tony: She's over at her house blaming it all on Meadow, it's an old game.
Meadow: We're under a lot of pressure, you try studying day and night to get into college. We deserved a night.
Tony: [Noticing she's becoming emotional] OK, take it easy, take it easy.
Carmela: I'm sorry you're under a lot of pressure but it's still no excuse.
Tony: So, who was this "ecstasy" guy?
Meadow: I just told you, Adam, I don't even know him. He just showed up with Steve.
Carmela: Is this the same Steve I know? The school newspaper kid you're always with?
Meadow: He's a "flake", why do you think I stopped hanging out with him?
Carmela: That's news to me you stopped hanging out with Steve.
Meadow: It's painful to talk about, OK?
Tony: Well, you're going to get punished.
Tony: [over the phone] Hey, I'm not sure but I think I just saw Fabian Petrulio
Christopher: Refresh my memory
Tony: What was it, before your time? Made guy, flipped about ten years ago: got busted for peddling H. Rat fuck took out a lot of people from our outfit. My old man was sick: he never recovered when he heard the news
Christopher: You sure you saw this guy?
Tony: That's what I'm saying. I think I did but I'm not sure
Christopher: Up in Maine, what the fuck?
Tony: He went into the witness protection program, then they kicked him out. Now he goes to colleges, gets paid all kinds of money to talk about what a big bad Mafioso he was
Christopher: Piece of shit
Tony: Febby and me partied couple times but Jackie Aprile knew him real good: we did a couple counts together up in Lewisburg. As a matter of fact, you know that bust that was in his rec room of Sinatra? Febby made it for him in a prison workshop
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Is he driving you to drink?
Svetlana: I can drive myself.
Paulie: [talking privately on two tables in out front of Satriale's, turning down Tony's offer of a promotion] with all due respect and I mean that from the bottom of my heart I'm going to pass
Tony: I don't fucking believe this, why?
Paulie: Every guy that ran that crew died prematurely
Tony: Oh come on
Paulie: I beat cancer once you got no idea what that does to you
Tony: Yeah I know
Paulie: Richie Aprile, Ralphie, M.I.A, Vito and who knows with Carlo and Gigi
Tony: Gigi died taking a shit
Paulie: Doesn't mean it's not part of an overall pattern
Tony: You're going to die yourself you should leave a "package" to leave your niece who has MS, it's like your bullshit with the cat the fucking animal catches mice for us and you'd drown it
Paulie: I would
Tony: His not looking at Christopher a rat died back in the wall or some shit
Paulie: I moved the picture, the fucking thing came to the new spot and stared
Tony: The abstract shapes or something, I'll tell you this, since Christopher's death my gambling luck's turned a one eighty
Paulie: Oh, it's fine for you to believe that shit but I can't worry about a jinx? I tell you something from my heart and you laugh it off?
Tony: I'm not saying there's nothing out there for you but not live your life? What are you going to do? Alright you don't want the job? Then you don't want the job I could put Patsy in there his going to be a part of my family now, it'll be good
Paulie: Prick, you always know what to say to me don't you?
Tony: I'm serious
Paulie: I live but to serve you my liege
Agent: Look, I appreciate what you did: giving us those names but I've been sitting here thinking remember that thing I told you about that was supposed to happen a year ago? Your problem with Brooklyn? It's on again possibly. You, maybe people close to you if it was more solid, you would've been warned by the Newark office but my colleague in Brooklyn, the one with the collaborator? Snitch is implying the wheels have already been set in motion
Tony: [Before Harris walks away in a hurry] implied?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Talking privately in a limousine] maybe I'm wrong but you haven't been yourself since the old man died. Lorraine Calluzzo, and you sank this idiot's boat. That's not the Johnny Sack I know
Johnny: I'm waiting for your explanation
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: My cousin could not have been in the city that night because he was with me. We were looking for his daughter because she fuckin disappeared. We were upstate: Monticello. We heard Kelly was living with some crack head up there. As a matter of fact we were going to reach out to you. See if you can get some of your people on it
Johnny: I swear on my mother if I find out your lying...
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Interrupts him] I'm sitting here humbling my friendship out to you
Tony: [referring to Phil] His got us by the gats, I'll ya that
Christopher: Unless that guy at the Pensy landfill decides to play ball
Tony: That asshole's gonna shit in his pants if he gets pinched by the EPA
Tony: [irritated by Christopher] What's this make believe ballroom? How many times you gonna change the station?
Christopher: [while inserting the CD into the stereo] The Departed soundtrack: it's fuckin killer, you got it?
Tony: Yeah, it's good
Tony: [in their safe house] How many fucking times I've told you it's an SUV watch where you park off road the Cadillac converter and the dry vegetation
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: I didn't see the leaves
Tony: [shouting at AJ] You can grill fucking steaks on that converter, I told you!
Carmela: If there was children playing in those leaves, you'd run them over?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: [confused] I guess?
Tony: You're going to get cute now?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: I was just answering her question
Meadow: [trying to defend AJ] Dad, he wasn't being funny
Tony: You mind your own God damn business, unless you want some of this too
Meadow: [Meadow leaves the room] Mr. Fat mouth
Tony: [shouting to Meadow] What'd you say?
Carmela: What was going through your mind?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: What do you want from me? I am depressed, I'm supposed to be looking for piles of leaves?
Tony: You want to get depressed? Thirty thousand dollars for that car
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Isn't that what we have insurance for?
Carmela: Excuse me? You're not getting another one
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Actually that's good it'll force me to take the bus
Carmela: What?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: We have to break our dependence on foreign oil
Tony: [Meeting outside the hospital] not even a courtesy call and you approach my company?
Phil: No disrespect Tony, you've been in a coma
Tony: So that gives you Carte blanche?
Paulie: It's that fuckin John, his sitting in the can, the Feds are trying to take everything his got. His in a panic state
Tony: Alright I'm sensitive to that but whatever happens to Barone Sanitation, I've got to be kept on. I need that W-2 and now you can see I'm facing a long convalescence and Barone is my secondary insurance carrier. I need it
Phil: John's going to take care of you, you know that. What your asking: twenty-five percent of the sales price, a year's salary until retirement, plus skim? Come on
Tony: [Eventually turns to Paulie and asks him] look, I don't want to argue. I'm not well so I'll give John a break on the skim. I'm getting two G's a week now
Tony: [to Paulie] how many stops we based that on?
Paulie: [after Tony asks him a second time catching him off guard] eleven
Tony: The fuck you talking about? It's at least twenty-five
Paulie: [to Phil before his cell phone rings] twenty-five
Tony: Alright I'll take the skim on twenty, fifteen hundred a week but I stay on the payroll as is
Phil: All I can do is deliver the message Anthony
Carmela: [while in their bedroom early in the morning, referring to the Christmas gifts they bought] Oh good, you're up. I just got the digital video for Meadow: three down, three to go. Plus, the scooter is ready but your gonna have to pick it up
Tony: It's on my list
Carmela: You're not gonna like this next bit of news either: Janice is insisting on cooking Christmas dinner this year
Tony: Christmas eve or Christmas day?
Carmela: I'm cooking Christmas eve. You want to turn her loose on shellfish? She's determined to cook goose on Christmas day
Tony: Why?
Carmela: Well, her impulses are right: she's over here all the time, she volunteered me to make the gravy and the lasagna, so with everything else going on I have to do today, I have to bring half my kitchen over there and she needs you because the fuse box is on the fritz again
Tony: Oh, fuck. Come on, I'm busy
Carmela: So what? And I'm not?
Tony: [referring to loaning his friend Artie money and knowing ahead of time Artie wouldn't be able to pay him back] so he says I planned it all along, how I could see twenty steps down the road how it was going to go and how he was going to get screwed
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Did you? See it?
Tony: I don't know, according to him its subconscious, second nature
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: But the accusation bothers you
Tony: Is that the kind of person I am? A hawk?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: As I understand it you make a lot of your living through usury so why the pangs of conscience this time? Do you think your reaction would be the same a week after you found out about Gloria?
Tony: I'll tell you one thing: one suicide is bad enough but two? They can both go fuck themselves. I made a donation in her name to the suicide hotline, that's it
Tony: Alright, lemme hear it.
Jimmy: Rusty Irish.
Tony: What about him?
Larry: He took a header of the falls.
Raymond: That's the closest that junkie fuck ever got to a bath.
Larry: Yeah, well I got news for you. That junkie fuck was my biggest earner. During the football season, he moved more cards than 10 guys put together. And another thing, a certain friend of ours should've checked with me before he did a favor for the old man Capri.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [At their kid's high school graduation] great to see your kid graduate huh?
David: Yeah, the youth, that's what's important. What we do are small potatoes
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: and Eric, state college, right?
David: [Referring to the fact they can't afford to send him to a private university] he got accepted to Georgetown, a little money "pinch"
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Listen, I heard you and Charlene split up
David: Christine. I'm getting the fuck out of here, I got a job on a ranch out west
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What? Don't make me fuckin laugh
David: Hey, I lived in New Mexico until I was eleven remember? You ever try riding?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after looking down at his weight] uh, no
David: The airlines are running specials non-stop into Nevada, fly right into Vegas, you should come hang out: new day
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Vegas huh? Alright Davey. Take care of yourself, drive safe
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [has invited Dr. Melfi to go to Bermuda with him] Come on, Doc. I'm breaking out the big guns here. You're turning me into half a stalker.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Listen, Anthony. I'm not going to go out with you, and it's not because you're unattractive or I don't think I would have a good time. It's just something I'm not going to do. I would like you to respect my decision, and just try to feel that I know what's right for me. Okay?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It's not just the doctor-patient ethics thing, is it?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I want to preserve the option for you that you could always come back to our work, if you wish, and that we could pick up where we've left off.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [frustrated] I don't think you get this. I want you!
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: That's very flattering to me.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm not interested in flattering you.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I know you're not.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Alright, then what is it? Just help me understand it.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You know, Anthony, during our work I never judged you, or your behavior. It's not the place of a therapist to do so.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Alright, I get all this. Go, go.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: In a personal relationship, I don't think I could sit silent.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [amused] About what?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Our values are... just very different.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You don't like my values.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Honestly?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: No.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [admiring her bluntness] OK. Like what?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It's getting late.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No, no. Come on. It's okay.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Well... you're not a truthful person. You're not respectful of women. You're not really respectful of people.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I don't love people?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Maybe you love them, I don't know. You take what you want from them by force, or the threat of force. I couldn't live like that. I couldn't bear witness to violence...
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: FUCK YOU!
[storms out]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You fucking cunt!
Johnny: [During a meeting] what blows me is before when Little Carmine went to Florida, I was actually close with him. I was actually at his wedding party for Christ's sake. He organized this whole bachelor party: lesbian shows, whores fuckin disgusting, and then when he had that kid with that kid lung problem who do you think got him that doctor in Park Avenue?
Tony: Water over the damn
Christopher: I had no idea you two were that close
Johnny: Close? We were like brothers
Christopher: It's a shame you can't find a way to work things out
Tony: [to Christopher, trying to prevent him from interfering] give me a piece of bread
Christopher: Have you thought about this? Maybe you let him keep Lorraine and you take a bigger piece of the Florida shit: the clubs
Johnny: If I wanted to worry about Florida, I'd move to fuckin Miami. You know it wasn't long ago I remember you used to wait in the car, as far as I'm concerned you should still be there
Tony: Remember the story you told me about the father bull talking to the son? They're up on this hill and looking down on a bunch of cows. And the son goes to the father, "Dad, why don't we run down there and fuck one of these cows?" Now do you remember what the father said? Father says, "Son, why don't we walk down there and fuck them all?"
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Paulie referring to Ralph] you lay a hand on him and you're going to answer to me, if you can quote the rules you can fucking obey them, do you understand?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [jokingly, greeting a intoxicated Hunter dancing in the front lawn of his mom's house] Hey Janet Jackson
Hunter: hi. Mr. Soprano
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: where's Meadow?
Hunter: [referring to Meadow's grandmother's home] I give up, in the house?
Tony: [while getting dressed] what time is it?
Christopher: Don't worry we'll take the tunnel
Tony: Alright, this meeting we're trying to nail down this new contract now with Masserone gone
Christopher: That office park by Troy Hills?
Tony: Now, listen this is very important if any of this shit about Little Carmine and Johnny you clam up
Christopher: You got it Tone
Christopher: Sorry to get you up but I knew you'd want to know right away
Tony: Know what?
Christopher: Tony B took out Billy Leotardo
Tony: Wait a minute, you mean Philly?
Christopher: Billy. Philly got "winged", his in the hospital. T.B. went "ape" over Angelo. Phil's holding his little brother as the kid is dying in his arms. There's blood all over Phil. Jesus
Tony: So, he knew. God damn him. He knew what he was going to do. He sat there right in his mother's house and pretended: lied right to my face
Christopher: I don't know what to say. I guess TB's fucked, poor guy
Tony: Poor guy? We're all fucked
Christopher: I'm here for you. Whatever
Tony: I know that
Christopher: [Looking around his hotel room] nice suite T. anyway I thought you'd need to know right away
[Christopher just got out of drug rehab]
Tony: So, what step are you at now?
Christopher: I did all the steps, except for the one where I'm supposed to go around and apologize to all the people I fucked over when I was using.
Tony: ...I think maybe you shouldn't do that one. You know, let sleeping dogs lie.
Christopher: Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
David: Listen, I heard through the grapevine that you're taking over your uncle's game, you know the big one?
Tony: [Referring to the song by Creedence Clearwater Revival] grapevine? You know if you listen closely to that song, it says believe none of what you hear, and half of what you see
David: No, you know me, it's just... I like to play a little
Tony: [confused] a little?
Tony: [realizing he wants to get in on the game] forget it: this game's not for you
David: I was thinkin I could get a kick?
Tony: You're a nice guy I like you, ok? But trust me, this game's not for you. I don't want to see you get hurt: these guys, they play deep
David: [referring to from his sporting goods store] You know how many jockstraps I sold last week?
Tony: Not enough for this game, ok? Forget it
Tony: Angelo Garepe came to see me, Lorraine Calluzzo reached out
Johnny: Fuckin twat, didn't you fuck her once?
Tony: Yeah a million years ago, is nothing a secret? Obviously you want to maintain stability but having Phil Leotardo smack your shies around, is that the smartest thing?
Johnny: I've got to nip this Little Carmine shit in the bud otherwise I could see a lot of people start fuckin around. Power Vacuum the capos bide their time nobody's sure who to pay, so nobody get paid
Tony: Alright, I hear you
Tony: Nobody likes that cunt anyway. Always "whack this one whack that one", never enough body count for her. Fuck her let her taste her own medicine
Tony: Alright, whatever
Johnny: I'll tell you something else: a large measure I blame you for this shit with Little Carmine
Tony: What the fuck did I do?
Johnny: You legitimized it, man of your stature goes to Florida to see that schmuck
Tony: Come on, we both agreed Little Carmine's an asshole but the fact is his got a following to his old man
Johnny: So?
Tony: So, Angelo had an idea: his just "floating" this to keep the peace. What if there was a power sharing situation?
Johnny: Power sharing?
Tony: You are all in charge equally but no major decisions can be made without the majority of two
Johnny: What the fuck?
Tony: Hey, this way your not a big target for the Feds. Three other families have this kind of arrangement
Johnny: What's this? The UN now?
Tony: Alright, forget it, forget I said it
Johnny: Fuck that!
Tony: What was your mother like? She ever let you down, do anything to hurt your feelings?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Of course she did. She was controlling, manipulative at times. She also never tried to kill me.
Tony: I pushed her over the edge.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: By placing her in a lovely retirement community.
Tony: It's a nursing home!
Tony: [while inside David Scatino's sporting goods store after business hours, referring to the police investigating the murder of Matt Bevilaqua] if they do have something, why aren't they talking to you?
Salvatore: Give them time, they will
Tony: [Referring to the charges they'll face] murder, aiding, and racketeering
Salvatore: [On the possible sentence they'll receive] Twenty to life
Tony: [while Paulie and Furio enter the store, jokingly] there they are: the Flaying Gavone Brothers
Paulie: [to Tony] not good, not good
Tony: [Suddenly stands up and forcefully grabs Paulie by his shirt] on my fuckin kids I will cut you, just tell me
Paulie: Take it easy Tone. It's fixable. First off it's not a rat
Salvatore: Thank God
Paulie: [to Pussy] don't thank Him yet. There's an eyeball witness
Tony: What're you talking about?
Tony: [after kicking a table, to Pussy] Jesus Christ! Shit! Did you see anybody? Did you see another living fuckin soul?
Salvatore: Fuck no
Paulie: Don't worry, it's only a mere bump in the road
Tony: Oh, you're beautiful
Salvatore: Do we know him?
Paulie: My friend at the station only knows is that his a civilian. A flag saluting mother fucker
Furio: [to Tony, unintentionally incorrectly using the Idiom "go on the lamb"] Maybe you should lamb chop it for a while?
Salvatore: I keep a suitcase in my trunk
Paulie: Yeah, tell us about it
Salvatore: Hey, fuck all of you, bygones are never fuckin bygones
Tony: This is a fuckin nightmare. I've got to move some cash around, if I going to lamb it I'm going away with a fuckin "package." I'm not going to be like Mickey Mcsuko. That poor prick had five fuckin minutes to run. He ended up in some rat infested motel down in Elvis country
Furio: [to Paulie] where is that?
Paulie: Anywhere there are no Jews or Italians
Furio: I don't get it
David: [after coming out of his office] it's starting. It's fuckin starting
Salvatore: Get back in your office David
David: I'm opening my mail and it's a lawsuit, there's a fuckin lean on the building they're going to close me down
Tony: Davey, not fuckin now ok?
David: They're going to know after this it's fraud. I'm going to go to jail for this
Tony: [Angrily stomps towards David while shouting] get the fuck back in your fuckin hole now!
Tony: [after calming down, realizing they still David to continue their bust out scheme] Davey, you're doing a good job
Paulie: Don't worry about this witness T
Furio: [In Italian] that's true. We'll find him
Salvatore: Exactly
Paulie: You don't even know what he said
Salvatore: Fuck you. I did too
Paulie: What then?
Salvatore: I understood
Paulie: What does it mean?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: I'm fuckin depressed, ok?
Tony: you broke up, how long you wanna cry about it?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: [referring to Blanca Selgado] She was my life
Tony: Your twenty years old, you barely have a life and you're better off anyway. She was cute, ok? But come on, with another guy's kid to boot
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: She was the best thing that ever happened to me
Tony: What you're going through, what you're feeling right now, it happens sometimes: everybody gets the "blues", there's a half a billion-dollar industry devoted to it
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: What, Prozac?
Tony: No, the music business: they write thousands of songs about this shit, "Tears on my pillow", "Mona Lisa", right?
Richie: [Referring to David Scatino, while they walk outside the motel to talk privately] I shut him the fuck down, he comes here and sticks it up my ass?
Tony: What's that got to do with you disrespecting my game?
Richie: Like you wouldn't do anything different
Tony: Your fuckin right
Richie: You know I'm getting sick of this "holier than now" act and I'm not the only one
Tony: Oh really? Well, if anybody wants to make a move
Richie: don't get so fuckin dramatic all, I'm saying is sometimes you act like your in a different business, now send that little prick out so I can talk to him
Tony: No
Richie: [Referring to the amount of money David owes Richie] you realize this mother-less fuck is into me for over eight large? His got money to play here? Let him me pay me my money. Send him out
Tony: You go home Richie, this isn't going to happen to one of my players
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after a near-death experience] Every day's a gift.
[pause]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It's just... does it have to be a pair of socks?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [meeting privately] Talk to me
Jack: [referring to slang for African Americans] These fuckin ditsoon activists. Their killing me: their picketing at my place twenty four seven. Three days I'm down already
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Who?
Jack: This hard on, Reverend Herman James Jr. His an old song, not enough minorities doing the joint fitting
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You were told the joint fitters are my uncle's jurisdiction
Jack: I know but if you could pave the way and talk to your uncle? See if maybe send some guys down there and you know, make it uncomfortable for these people? Like you did with your unions before
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It's gonna cost you
Jack: Besides what you're already raping me for those no show electrician jobs?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You're not such a fuckin citizen when you want the construction to go your way, are ya?
Jack: Ok, ok, take it easy
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [referring to calling the police] alright, I'll see what I can do. In the meantime, call Animal Control
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Isn't it interesting how this memory loss cropped up right after you failed to be killed in the carjacking? You think it was a carjacking?
Tony: Of course not, but I got an idea who was behind it. Enough said. You don't want to go there.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Maybe you don't want to go there.
Tony: What are you talking about?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Well, let's track it. Right around the time of the shooting, you were having hallucinations of that Isabella figure. The protective, loving mother. Your subconscience was shouting something at you. On the day before the shooting, you said to me that she kept going on yet again about news stories of mothers throwing their babies out of windows.
Tony: Why don't we put our fuckin' cards on the table here. What do you think, my mother tried to have me whacked 'cuz I put her in a nursing home?
Paulie: [Referring to Beansie] Richie broke a chair over his head.
Tony: Are you shitting me?
Paulie: Then he smacked Beansie's head with the coffee pot and broke his cheekbone.
Tony: Prick, I talked to him yesterday, he's all "sweetness and lights." This "big brother" shit is getting old.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Hey, how you've been?
Tony: Can't complain. You look good.
Paulie: Where are your friends going?
Johnny: Yeah, tell them to come back and join us.
Tony: No, they're leaving.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It's my first time here, the veal is excellent.
Tony: What are we making? Small talk now?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Nice to see you.
Tony: Yeah, you too.
Silvio: Not a bad ass.
Salvatore: [to Tony, referring to Dr. Melfi's breasts] She had nice "pipes" for the lips, no disrespect.
Tony: What do I give a fuck? I hardly know her.
Silvio: [to Pussy] You would take the tits over the lips?
Salvatore: Trust me, my boy, there's two things I'm good at: pulling dents and spotting good blowjobs, and that sweetie has world class blowjob lips, am I right skipper? You ought to know.
Tony: What the fuck do I know? It was a long time ago. Alright, she was good.
Paulie: Good? Or great?
Tony: Why the fuck are you busting my balls? It was a long time ago.
Paulie: [to Tony] Hey, I remember every blowjob I ever got.
Paulie: [to Sil] How about you? You remember your first blowjob?
Silvio: Yeah, of course.
Paulie: [Jokingly] How long did it take for the guy to cum?
Feech: [telling Tony his version of events, during a sit down, referring to Paulie] and then from nowhere, he cracks the one kid's head with a shovel, and the other one he knocks out of the tree
Paulie: [to Tony] he jumped out of the tree and came at me with a chainsaw, I got a right to defend myself, Tone
Tony: [to Paulie] alright, take it easy, relax
Paulie: [referring to Vitro's lawn mowing business] Sal Vitro's been working the area since my ma was still working at Kresge's. I should be able to help out a kid from my own neighborhood
Tony: [after thinking it over, to Feech, referring to Paulie] alright how about this? Vitro and your nephew will split the area, east of Dire is yours, west of Dire goes to him. For the broken arm, I don't know, give him five hundred bucks
Paulie: I already told the guy twelve
Tony: there's fuckin compromises in life Paulie. Alright, make it a grand: pain and suffering. Naturally, I want my "taste", retroactively because this is the first time I've heard anything about this
Tony: [answering Carmela about donating money to Meadow's college] I won't pay. I don't do much about extortion
Phil: [meeting privately, referring to killing Vito, and the derogatory term for homosexuals] you were going to "take care" of that fuckin Finook
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [irritated] oh, for Christ's sake, Vito, again? What the fuck is wrong with you?
Phil: his in town, isn't he? I was over at Marie's the other night, she played the "innocent" but I could tell she's seen him
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [referring to the character played by Johnny Carson as host of The Tonight Show] your fuckin Carnac the Great" now too, huh?
Phil: I gotta tell you, if Vito was here, and you knew about it...
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [ignores him and leaves] fuck this
Tony: These fuckin' women, they'll drive you nuts with their emotions and whatnot. And I know it feels like you're never gonna love anybody again. But trust me, there's millions of girls that are dyin' to meet a guy like you. I see 'em every day.
Anthony: Oh, right. I'm so special.
Tony: You're damn right you are. You're handsome, and smart, and hard worker, and - let's be honest - white. That's a huge plus nowadays... Go out and get a blowjob.
Anthony: I don't want a blowjob!
Tony: Keep your voice down.
Anthony: Why? Who's listening out there?
Tony: Nobody.
[Carmela opens the door]
Anthony: Ah, fuck me!
Carmela: [while in their bedroom] Sometimes I worry about Furio, I mean doesn't he seem lonely? I was telling Jessica about him this morning, you know the hygienist in Dr. Masara's office? I know I shouldn't gossip, but I think she was having an affair with Dr. Masara?
Carmela: [shows him the photo on the card] Here she is: their office Christmas card
Tony: [jokingly] Oh, yeah there's his hand on her ass
Carmela: [takes the card away] stop it. Anyway, I think she's ready for somebody nice and she seemed very receptive when I described Furio to her
Tony: She's not his type
Carmela: Well, what's his type?
Tony: Don't worry about him: stay out of it
Carmela: One date wouldn't hurt
Tony: Why'd you wanna bother? My little Hello Dolly?
Carmela: Speaking of gossip, that noise in the Mercedes, I brought it over to Globe Motors to have it looked at and I was talking to Jerry in the service department, remember that nice saleslady?
Tony: [lying] I don't think so
Carmela: Gloria Trillo? She gave me a ride home that day? You know what Jerry told me about her? She died
Tony: She what?
Carmela: She committed suicide, isn't that awful?
Carmela: [sarcastically, when Tony doesn't reply] Mr. Empathy over there: she hung herself from a chandelier
Tony: [after kissing her on the cheek, noticing something's bothering her] I see this "grey cloud" over your head
Tony: [referring to AJ] Where's "prince Albert"? still sleeping?
Carmela: Who knows? I've been very patient with you because you've been sick: you were gonna talk to the building inspector, my spec house
Tony: Oh, yeah. I sent Little Paulie, he made some "headway" with the... supervisor but the other guy, the inspector, his a "piece of work." Next time, I'll get Sil on it
Tony: [after entering his office holding a bag and placing it on his desk] Got a safe?
Neil: Yeah, why?
Neil: [after opening it and seeing it's filled with cash, referring to his attorney fees] You want to pay in advance?
Tony: There's a little more than 400k in there. I want you to hold it for me. This goes down, I'm out of this area code, my wife's gonna come in here once a week for an allowance. You don't ask her any questions, never, ever, refuse her. If she wants it all... you give it to her. She won't do that, Carmela's smarter than that
Neil: And if your gone longer than the money lasts?
Tony: Don't worry, you won't have to go into your own kick. This witness can't remain nameless forever
Neil: [as Tony leaves] I didn't hear that
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Meeting privately] You been waiting long? Sorry I was interviewing divorce lawyers
Johnny: That's what I always ask myself: "Is it worth it financially?"
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You and Ginny are the old married couple
Johnny: Marriage can be very hard work if both aren't pulling their loads. I was wondering, why the delay?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I was going to call you, you're not going to be happy: I'm out. Whacking a boss is bad for business, now that he settled...
Johnny: We can weather it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It's not the internal upheaval. Mr. and Mrs. John Q America by in large they sit still for our shit so people get ripped off. They figure it's not them but it's the O.K. Corral out there, and the Feds take heat
Johnny: This is very disappointing
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I know but his an old man come on, your going to get your chance soon enough
Johnny: Don't go into coaching, it's not your "long suit"
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What I was going to say...
Johnny: [Unintentionally misquoting Shakespeare's Macbeth, implying his job is hard enough working for Carmine Lupertazzi Sr., but will even be more difficult working with Carmine Lupertazzi Jr] Tomorrow I go into work. "Creeps on this petty pace." Do I take orders from him again? You know that disgusting fucking cock sucking idiot son of his?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I shouldn't be hearing that. What I was going to say it's a major step but if you want to do it without me as a partner, you do what you do what you gotta do. I will never ever reveal any conversation we had
Johnny: The thing is we had those conversations. Your mouth was moving along with mine. So we just go back to our business at the Esplanade like it never happened?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah that would be the healthy choice
Johnny: Healthy for who? Why the fuck would I ever trust somebody who would leave me holding my cock like this?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I shouldn't have heard that either
Johnny: Well, there you go. There's the fuckin problem
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I still consider you a dear, dear friend
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Alright so I used to cheat. I'm not getting "spayed", end of subject
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You brought up the vasectomy and now you don't want to talk about it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You asked me what was going on
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I saw on the news about a gangland shooting
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Is that your nephew Christopher? That you've spoken of before? In the papers said his going to be critical condition
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: His going to be fine
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Have they found the person that shot him yet?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No, have you?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I'm not trying to pry into that part of your life, I know our "deal" but I've heard you say before you love this young man
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Christopher was clinically dead for about a minute. He thinks he had one of those near death "experiences." He says he visited hell and "they" told him he'd be back permanent
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Who's "they"?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Its bullshit, it was a dream combined with the morphine and now he thinks his going to hell when he dies and his all fucked up over it
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you think he'll go to hell?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No, his not the type that deserves hell
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Who do you think does?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: The worst people: the twisted and demented psychos who kill people for pleasure, the cannibals, the degenerate bastards that molest and torture little kids, kill babies, the Hitler's, the Pol Pots. Those are the fucks that deserve to die: not my nephew
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What about you?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What? Hell? You've been listening to me? No, for the same reasons. We're soldiers; soldiers don't go to hell. Its war, soldiers kill other soldiers. We're in a "situation" where everybody involved knows the "stakes" and if you're going to accept those "stakes", you've got to do certain "things." It's business, we're soldiers. We follow codes: orders
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: do you feel depressed?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [when he doesn't respond] do you feel depressed?
Tony: since the ducks left, I guess?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [before abruptly leaves] the ducks that preceded you losing consciousness: let's talk about them
Silvio: [sitting in front of Satriale's] Jason Masucci was in Tampa visiting his mother: he thought he saw Vito in a Jenny Craig ad, turned out to be some other fat piece of shit
Christopher: [to Tony, referring to killing Vito] If that fag ever does come back, you should have Carlo do "it", it'd be "good" with all the crews
Tony: [referring to Christopher originally insisted on wanting to kill Vito] Excuse me? You were all "hot to trot"
Christopher: Nah, I got enough "complications" in my life: Feds up my ass, for "business" reasons are ok, but for "political correctness"?
Tony: [after seeing Julianna Skiff across the street] whoa, check it out
Silvio: [referring to having sex with her] I could do that, no problem
Christopher: [jokingly] Wait here, I'll get you a Viagra
Tony: Let me tell you something: two months after the shooting, as far as Sinatra was concerned, I didn't even have a hard on" when I woke up in the morning
Christopher: [to Tony, before Sil gives Christopher the middle finger] Like Sil
Silvio: [to Tony] The bullet didn't hit the fuckin "plumbing" though
Tony: [crosses himself] No, thank God. It's just the "effects" of the physical "trauma", doc said it was part of the "healing process", I must be "healed" now because I got a "bagget" in my pants now, twenty four seven
Silvio: [jokingly] "Affirmation of life"
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What? It's 2006, there's pillow biters in the special services.
Silvio: [Referring to Vito] Let me ask you something: For the sake of argument let's say he shows up, are you going to kiss this guy on both cheeks?
[Tony remains silent]
Silvio: Take Paulie for example. You know perfectly well guys like him don't kick up their full percent to you. You look the other way, it's the price of doing business. By you cutting him some slack now that he's "out of the closet", it'll be just the excuse for guys to go off the reservation and start holding back some serious money.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What I'm going to tell you is for your ear's only, and Sil's. We're going to take out Carmine Lupertazzi
Christopher: Johnny Sack's going to war Tone
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Implying Johnny's in on the hit] no, his not. That's right. See Carmine's got major income besides construction. Johnny don't. The only other person hurting more than any of these pricks is me
Christopher: Whacking a boss of one of the five families, Johnny's a snaky fuck
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well, that's something to be considered. Remember how also deeply hurt fuckin Johnny felt over Carmine not backing him on those slurs against Ginny?
Christopher: Life's funny
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Carmine never made that right with John. I knew back then it was a mistake
Christopher: Are we going to hit Carmine soon?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: If I'm going to buy this house I'm going to need the Esplanade "scratch." It shouldn't look like what it is: home invasion, carjacking, fuckin ingrown toenail
Christopher: I know these black guys from Irvington
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: That's the right idea. It could never get out who whacked the old fuck. Are they trustworthy these guys?
Christopher: Yeah
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Make sure
Carmela: [to AJ] So every time I asked you "how was work?" you say "fine", you were having your own private little joke on me.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Tony enters the room] what's going on?
Carmela: I went to Blockbuster to rent Cinderella Man, but guess what?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Is it still a classic?
Carmela: I found out our son, the liar, was fired three weeks ago
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: From Blockbuster? They have the worst managers over there.
Carmela: He was taking promotional items and selling them, stand ups.
A.J. Soprano: Standees, this whole thing is bullshit, most of that stuff gets thrown out anyway.
Carmela: The store's policy was very clear
A.J. Soprano: Yeah, well maybe I care about the environment did that ever occur to you? "'Wallace and Gromit" that weighed like fifty pounds, how many trees gave their lives for that? It just goes to the dump.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Can I come to a peaceful house one God damn night?
A.J. Soprano: You always tell me to think like a business man, yet every time I do there's something wrong, I was making money throwing parties in high school that was no good.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know what I think, all those days you call in sick, you show up late, you deserve to get canned
Carmela: The worst part is: you don't even give a shit
A.J. Soprano: I should give a shit about Blockbuster? I can't live on what they pay me anyway.
Carmela: Why not? You live at home, we feed you.
A.J. Soprano: You have a social life but I can't, you have any idea what it costs at a descent club in New York? It's five hundred dollars for a bottle of Cristal, and it's a two bottle minimum.
Carmela: You spend a thousand dollars a night on champagne?
A.J. Soprano: [Lying] no, not every night, barely ever
Janice: I'm sorry Tony but the hospital's going to need a decision on this. If you're going to have Power of Attorney, you're going to have to act like one
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Who gives a fuck, DNR or no DNR?
Janice: Yeah ok, great, so what happens when she goes into a coma and they have to keep her alive with tubes and machines because you won't sign the DNR?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [raises his voice] what? When she becomes a vegetable, she's not going to give a fuck about anything
Janice: To deprive her a place to live: to deprive me of my chance to make peace with my mother
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know what? Take her, you can have her. The two of you in that house, you deserve each other. It'll be worth it just to watch, it'll be like what happened to baby Janice over there. I'll give you your fuckin DNR
Tony: Furio come by?
Carmela: His already forty minutes late
Tony: [referring to his hangover] His probably worse off than me
Carmela: You two go out?
Tony: Can I get a cup of coffee? Where the fuck is he?
Carmela: Was he out with somebody last night?
Tony: He's a single guy: how should I know? Anyway, my memory's a little hazy
Tony: [after smelling the coffee] I'm going back to bed, when he gets here, don't wake me
Tony: Maybe this was his chance to get out. I know Dad was no choir boy, but maybe with a little bit of support...
Livia: Oh, Mr. Sensitive now. Well, if it bothers you, maybe you better talk to a psychiatrist.
[walks away]
Tony: Whoa, what are you talkin' about, a psychiatrist?
Livia: Well, that's what people do when they're lookin' for somebody to blame for their life, isn't it?
Tony: You're a real stone player, aren't you, Ma? You threatened to smother his children.
Livia: What does that mean?
Tony: You know, everyone thought Dad was the ruthless one. But I gotta hand it to you. If you'd been born after those feminists, you woulda been the real gangster.
Livia: I don't know what you're talking about!
[walks away]
[playing Monopoly]
Janice: Boardwalk. I own it.
Tony: And you blew guys under it.
Tony: [in Dr. her office] I've got to be frank you people got him out of his room, great so he could be Cannon fodder ?
Dr. Doherty: I wasn't aware of his latest plan
Tony: On the other hand he can benefit from the training, the discipline
Carmela: Maybe the army would be great for him, if there wasn't a war going on, he used to veg in front of that TV
Dr. Doherty: He says he wants to get past the hate focus it only on the terrorists I really can't reveal much more
Tony: Right, even though we're paying, this whole therapy thing I've got to tell you
Dr. Doherty: What
Tony: My mother was a borderline personality, so what? I don't know if you knew that
Dr. Doherty: No
Tony: I did not have a very happy childhood
Dr. Doherty: No?
Tony: There was very little love in the house
Dr. Doherty: His mentioned your mother very briefly
Tony: She was a very difficult woman, undermining I tried to place her in a retirement community for her own good, she turned on me completely, I could never please my mother
Tony: [about Ralph's death] Whoever did this, it should have happened a long time ago.
Paulie: [Tony, Paulie and Silvio are about to execute Pussy,sadly] you were like a brother to me.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [teared up] to all of us.
Tony: you know, I was on a good run then boom! I don't know it's like I'm walking down the street and I'm looking up because I feel like a safe is going to land on my head
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: A feeling of a pending doom?
Tony: Let me ask you a question: this "mental stuff" could cause physical problems right?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Are you having any physical problems?
Tony: No I'm fine but I got a "friend", a dear dear "friend" and I'm concerned about him
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What's wrong with him?
Tony: It's his back, see his complaining about his back but I think the doctor thinks it's all in his head
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It's very possible
Tony: What'd you think?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I think we should just keep this about you
Tony: This is about me
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Every time I offer my opinion on any of your friends it seems to interfere with our therapy and you start cursing and screaming
Tony: What kind of mental stuff would cause a back ache?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: For "conversation" sake?
Tony: Absolutely
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: For some people the pain is caused by more responsibility than they can handle
Tony: [Nods] that makes sense, his got a lot of bills, a lot of problems with his kid's "school fund"
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Secrets
Tony: What'd you mean?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Psychologically a secret is a heavy load, it leads to feelings of guilt which further burdens the mind
Tony: [Referring to trying to determine if Jack Massarone is an FBI informant] I couldn't tell shit, what the fuck am I? A mind reader?
Christopher: So, what's the next step here Tone?
Silvio: [after Tony gives him a stern look] what?
Tony: [Referring to Jack Massarone] He said I look like I lost some weight
Christopher: Tony B wants to pick up some scratch, he can do this Massarone thing, if it goes
Tony: [to Christopher] The fuck is wrong with you? The man is trying to go straight, don't you give a fuck about your cousin?
Christopher: I'm sorry T, your right. That was a great party the other night
Tony: [Angered that Tony B doesn't want to rejoin the crime family and opting to pursue a legitimate lifestyle] fuck him, the guy's useless to me
Christopher: [to Silvio after Tony leaves] was that a yes on Massarone?
Silvio: Tony's got his own process
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: How are things?
Tony: Good. I had a real good week. Friend of mine's in the hospital. That's never pleasant, but... Otherwise I'm having a good week.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What's he in for?
Tony: First they thought it was an ulcer. You know, then this and that.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You worried about him?
Tony: Jackie? Jackie's so fucking mean, he'll scare that cancer away.
Tony: it's not definite but I thought I'd tell you in case I don't show up for an appointment
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [implying he might be arrested in the near future] so, you're telling me you're planning a vacation but you're not sure exactly when will it will be?
Tony: right, I may never go. Let's put it this way, there's a strong possibility it could happen
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: does "this" have to do with what's been on the news lately?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [when he doesn't respond] so if you suddenly stop coming to your appointments, I will have to assume you are on vacation? And I should wait to be contacted?
Tony: that would be a good assumption
Salvatore: We got any good tequila? You know that acupuncturist down in Puerto Rico? 26... Tell you, this broad, her ass was the second coming. Never wore panties. Brushed her teeth with this shit. Every night she'd drink me under the fucking table. And I'd eat her out when I was down there.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Hey, Puss. Did she even really exist?
Corrado: I lost my uppers.
Tony: Probably upstairs.
Corrado: God fuck it all!
Tony: Relax, will ya? We'll find them.
Corrado: The phone keeps ringing, and then they hang up.
Tony: It's probably salespeople.
Corrado: I know who it is!
Tony: Pussy Malanga, I know. We'll get J. Edgar Hoover right on it.
Tony: Tell ya what, you go upstairs and look for your teet'. I'm gonna fix ya somethin' to eat. OK?
[goes to the kitchen]
Corrado: I had a banana in there!
Tony: Alright, we'll find that too.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What was it like sitting sitting there with Fran?
Tony: It was a little weird at first. Here I am comforting my father's mistress, my mother's lyin' there dead.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Are you attracted to her?
Tony: Come on, she's old enough to be my mother.
[Dr. Melfi shrugs]
Tony: Oh, Jesus Christ, it's an expression. Don't cream yourself. I did not want to fuck my mother! You should have seen her in her housedress with that hairnet. This conversation would be over in two seconds.
[Dr. Melfi gets out her prescription pad]
Tony: Here we go. Here comes the Prozac!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: To what do I owe this pleasure?
Carmela: I don't know if you'll see it that way I asked you to lunch to tell you I'm filing for divorce
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: That's nice, you invite me to a public place so you can ambush me? So you think I won't make a scene?
Carmela: Spare me your outrage accept the fact that I'm moving on with my life
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Moving on? That's what you were doing after the party last week?
Carmela: You and I both know that didn't change anything
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: First of all we're Italian, we don't believe in divorce, we believe in the nuclear family
Carmela: Despite your best efforts I have attorney who is going to aggressively pursue my custody of AJ and an equitable distribution of our assets
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Our assets?
Carmela: I am through in trying to get you to provide beyond the minimum for me to live
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So it's all fucking money? That's all this is to you?
Carmela: After all we've been through is it so hard to own up to that bullshit tax return?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You want money? What about the forty grand you stole from the bird feeder? You're such an investment genius
Carmela: You want this to get ugly? Because these guys live for that
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: And you think I don't? The only reason you have anything is because of my fucking sweat you knew every step of the way where the money comes from, you walk around in that mansion in your five hundred dollar shoes and diamond rings and you act like butter wouldn't melt in your mouth, you don't want it to get ugly? Too late
Carmela: I want what I'm entitled to
Tony: [after seeing Junior spilled a nutrition drink from a blender onto himself and the kitchen counter] what the hell you doing?
Junior: Those marshals see you coming in here? Because I need be remanded to a jailhouse right now like I need a taste of crabs
Tony: There's no car out there today and I came up through the cellar like always. Where the fuck is Bacala'? His suppose to be doing this shit for you
Junior: I sent him to the drug store for some more Pepto
Tony: You're getting better, that's the important thing. You look better too.
Junior: If you're going to lie to me, tell me there's a broad waiting in the car that's going to tongue my balls.
Tony: Hey, if you want that, it's a phone call away.
Tony: [after looking at the mess on the counter] still want this?
Junior: I've got to get nutrition somehow. Kennedy says only eat what I can sip through a straw
Junior: [after Tony brings over a glass of the nutrition drink and sits next to him] what's going on with you and Ralphie Cifaretto? Bacala said there's bad blood now?
Tony: What? You don't got enough on your plate? You need a new blender? Worry about your own problems. When did they say you can eat real food?
Junior: Who knows? Kennedy's putting me under the knife again
Tony: [Confused] back up. More surgery? Don't you think you should talk to somebody else? Get a second opinion?
Junior: Chemo? Forget it, with Kennedy its "cut, zip, over and out". He has the hands of an angel, and don't forget his name
Tony: What? I'm supposed to be impressed because the name is "John Kennedy"? All the micks named their kids that after the guy got killed
Junior: I loved that man, his older than me and now look
Junior: [to Bobby after returns] you were gone a long time, how many White Castles did you have?
Bobby: I didn't, I swear
Junior: I can smell them
Tony: Let me call Cusamano, he knows doctors in the city it can't hurt to make a call
Junior: People come from the city to see Kennedy
Tony: Good, then we won't be fighting traffic. Come on uncle Jun you know I'm right
Junior: [Eventually referring to Bobby didn't ask any productive questions at the last doctor's visit] alright you set it up,you come with me to listen and ask questions
Tony: [Before leaving and giving Junior a kiss on the head] good, good, I'll let you know alright?
Junior: My nephew thinks I need a "second opinion." he doesn't like it that I'm going back under the knife
Bobby: Maybe there's something to that?
Carmela: [while bringing him a cup of coffee] here, I made it with a lot of milk and sugar: it's a lot more comforting that way
Carmela: [seeing him upset, rubbing his shoulder] you sure you don't want some eggs or an English muffin, or something? You're coming back?
Furio: I hope so: Immigration, they make problems
Carmela: maybe Tony can help with that?
Furio: yeah
Tony: [after coming down the stairs] the hell you still doing here? I thought you were flying out to Naples?
Furio: I just drop off the shirts from Patsy's guy
Tony: alright, but you should be on your way to see your old man
Furio: Cancer is everywhere in his body: cancer don't respect nothing. You know it started in his lungs...
Tony: [interrupts him, hands him a roll of cash] you need any money?
Furio: I'm good
Carmela: [to Furio] Please call and let us know
Furio: [to Tony] I'm sorry, your gonna have to get someone else to drive you tonight
Tony: Not a problem: go
[about his father]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: The belt was his favorite child development tool.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: When's the last time you had a prostate exam?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Hey, I don't even let anyone wag their finger in my FACE.
[Dr. Melfi laughs]
Tony: You alright?
Christopher: [while watching the movie Three Amigos!] Some funny shit.
Tony: The fuck is wrong is with you?
Christopher: I snorted a little H, I know but I can't stand the pain. I loved her.
Tony: [Punches him then kicks him when his lying on the ground and shouting] You think you're alone in this?
Tony: I don't talk business with anybody: don't take it personally. A guy in my position is a government target, why do you think we're meeting in a fuckin mall?
Richie: I'm the guy who saved you from the "hit parade"
Tony: When? When did you ever step in for me?
Richie: You forget? When you and my kid brother stuck up "Feech" La Manna's card game, Feech was "made" before the electric light. If it wasn't for me, you two kids would've caught a vicious beating to say the least
Tony: You know I love you, you're like my big brother and your gonna be taken care of: what was "yours" before you went away will be "yours" again, you just gotta give it some time
Richie: You're gonna do that for me?
Tony: Hey fuck you
Richie: What's "mine" is not "yours" to give me
Tony: Hey prick, you reached out to me
Richie: I said what I wanted to say
Tony: How's your brother in law?
Anthony: [Implying Silvio should leave the room so they can talk privately] John's fuckin made of steel. I was told your ears only?
Tony: [Referring to the expensive roller ball pen he gave to Tony and making a joke] oh, that's why he didn't get a pen?
Anthony: [Nervously] no
Silvio: [Before leaving the room] his fuckin with you Anthony. Johnny's a silent partner in this heavy equipment leasing thing down in New Orleans
Tony: Good, Fema is down there handing out Krugerrands in buckets
Anthony: He said post Katrina you had some knowledge of business in the area
Tony: Well, let's just say that's another universe
Anthony: On the account of John's asset freeze, he'd love for you to contact these brothers: the owners, says Phil Leotardo shouldn't be involved, and John's asking as a friend. Obviously there's be a finder's fee for you
Christopher: [over the phone] Hey, T
Tony: Yeah, I'm here with some people and the Arabs from The Bing, what were their names?
Christopher: [confused] Some people?
Tony: exactly
Christopher: [realizing who Tony's referring to] Oh fuck, yeah. Ahmed and Muhammad, what'd they do?
Tony: [repeats the names to Harris and Goddard who are sitting nearby] Ahmed and Muhammad
Christopher: You know, actually I got a cell phone number. I called him recently but he don't answer no more
Christopher: [after looking at his cell phone for their numbers] 973-555-0146, tell me they're not gonna blow up the chemical plant or some shit
Tony: I don't know, I'll call you later
Tony: I didn't touch your place, Artie. I swear on my mother.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [while in a dinner] so you mentally prepared for this promotion?
Bobby: oh, yeah
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: how's that steak?
Bobby: it's ok
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [yells to the waitress] hun?
Waitress: yeah?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: another steak sand over here: rare
Waitress: coming up
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: it's a lot of added responsibility
Bobby: I think it should've happened sooner
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: how's your family doing, you know, since the tragedy with your dad?
Bobby: rough on my mother
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: yeah, well, how old is she now?
Bobby: she's sixty-nine
Tony: [walking up to a man at a nearby table wearing a baseball cap] Take your hat off.
Capman: Excuse me?
Tony: They don't sell hot dogs here. They took the bleachers out two years ago.
Capman: It's my hat. I'll where it where I want.
[Tony stares at him, breathing angrily. The man hesitantly takes his baseball cap off]
Tony: [to man's date] How you doin'?
[leaves]
Tony: Its 3am, I'm wide awake
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Something specific?
Tony: It's a "management" problem, it's a situation with an underling, now it's partly my fault. But he have never done what he did
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What was it? Could you tell me that?
Tony: Caused an early "retirement" for somebody else, I think he thought he was more important, he fucked up. Now ordinarily I'd just you know, just put him "out to pasture". But his a very valuable piece of man power
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Is it complicated by a personal relationship?
Tony: [Intentionally changing the subject] I've been reading that book you were telling me about The Art of War by Sun Tzu
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Nods]
Tony: I mean here's this guy, a Chinese general wrote this thing twenty four hundred years ago and most of it still applies today, bought the enemy's power, force him to reveal himself
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Interrupts him] I have to ask, are you in any sort of danger?
Tony: No, can I go on? Most of the guys I know read Prince Machiavelli and I had Carmela get the Cliffs Notes once and his ok, but this book is much better about strategy
Tony: [Intentionally changing the subject] Listen I wanted to ask you about that woman that was here today, the Mercedes sales lady
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I'm very sorry about the confusion
Tony: What does someone like that need a shrink for?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I can't talk about another patient
Tony: It just makes you wonder that's all
Silvio: Ginny told Gabriella she needed a bigger house.
Paulie: Ginny Sacrimoni, what she needs is her own zip code.
Gigi: Jersey's a small state. She moves in, she could tip it over.
Furio: I like a woman you can grab onto something.
Paulie: You grab onto Ginny Sacrimoni, your fuckin' hands will disappear!
Silvio: She's so fat, her blood type is Ragu.
Paulie: She's so fat, she goes campin', the bears have to hide their food.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: When Ginny hauls ass, she's gotta make two trips.
Gigi: Two guys could fuck her at the same time, and still never meet!
Johnny: [John walks in] Fuck who?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Nobody, we're just talking about one of the girls
Johnny: Is that all you dead beats talk about?, Pussy?
Richie: [while in a mall] thanks for meeting me
Tony: no problem, I went over to Brookstone and got myself a scale, what'd you want to talk to me about?
Richie: fuckin Dick Barone
Tony: as long as the two of you are happy
Richie: I'm in no mood... freakin garbage business, I found out that bow tie wearing mother fucker is charging me twice as much as everybody else to tip my trucks at his place
Tony: so, you repair the tonnage and charge the townships a little extra for the pickups, that's all
Richie: I got the smallest amount of routes than anybody in the association
Tony: you're like the old woman who's got a Virginia ham under her arm and she goes around crying because she's got no bread
Tony: [after Richie looks confused] never mind, the point is your brother Jackie never concentrated on sanitation so what do you want Dick to do?
Richie: [sternly] I want a rate
Tony: alright, I'll see what he says
Richie: yeah, you see since you own part of the company
Tony: [while digging in Junior's backyard, helping him find his buried money] I'm digging half way to China, there's nothing here
Junior: Forty thousand I had, my share of the Bohack's haul from the seventies
Tony: Did you wrap it right?
Junior: Wrap what?
Tony: The money
Junior: He knows I need that fuckin money for my re-trial
Tony: Who?
Junior: You know who
Tony: No, I don't know who that's why I asked you
Junior: Malanga
Tony: Will you stop with that? Pussy Malanga's dead, 6 years now. I should dig him up already
Junior: [Not realizing his repeating himself caused by dementia] forty thousand I had, my share of the Bohack's haul from the seventies
Tony: We'll look later, your going to be late for the doctor
Bob: Some people would have you believe dinosaurs existed millions of years ago. It's just not true! God created the Earth six thousand years ago. And I tell my kids: 'You have to remember: dinosaurs and human beings lived on the Earth at the same time!'
Tony: What? Like the Flintstones?
Bob: It's in the Bible!
Tony: What about all that Carbon dating stuff? A lot of scientists would disagree with you!
Bob: I think you'll find those people all have an agenda, Tony: Evolution, which is Satan's plan to deny God! Evolution and Salvation are mutually exclusive!
Tony: Guy next door is a scientist. Think he'd disagree with you big time!
Bob: Then that man's not saved!
A.J. Soprano: [sarcastically, after realizing Tony mistakenly ate his cereal] great
Tony: Hey, I thought you liked the other one, the Corn Pops: here take it
A.J. Soprano: [when looking in the refrigerator] No juice either?
Tony: I told you write it down and I'll have the girl pick up whatever you want.
A.J. Soprano: She doesn't know the difference between Fruit Roll-ups and Pop-Tarts
Tony: I know, everybody's an idiot to you
Tony: [sarcastically] You know there's these places called supermarkets where you go buy the "things" that you like, I'll reimburse you
A.J. Soprano: When am I supposed to do that?
Tony: As far as I can tell you spend most of the time on the phone or sitting on the couch perfecting that pissy look on your face
A.J. Soprano: Add coming home drunk sounds like you.
Tony: What the fuck's with you?
Carlo: Root canal, they got me on oxycodone. My whole fuckin' head is numb.
Tony: Well, that answers some questions.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: If you can quote the rules, then you can obey them.
Tony: [In the car with Furio driving, referring to Carmella turning down the plans he made for them to go on vacation] do you believe that in there? The tickets? For two years a bitch-fest about how we don't get away so I make it happen: top shelf across the board. All of a sudden her mother's psoriasis is like the Bubonic fuckin plague. You know what? Fuck that I don't even know why I bother
Furio: She's probably worried for her mother
Tony: Oh, fuck that. They got her on a Cortisone. I know she's my wife and the mother of my children but let me tell you something, she can be a moody bitch
Tony: You knock off early, we, uh, go back to your place, christen those new sheets you were telling me about.
Lori: The man with the plan, huh?
Tony: Uh, the man with the erection.
Tony: [as he enters the Bada Bing strip club, referring to the captains Silvio assembled together to meet Tony for a private meeting] they over there?
Silvio: I was able to reach everybody
Tony: [to Georgie as he walks by the bar] what the fuck are you doing?
Georgie: [while emptying the ice bucket] what Tone?
Tony: You're wasting fuckin ice
Georgie: Tone, it's mostly melted
Tony: You're going to argue with me now?
Georgie: No, Tone
Tony: You don't have to see the monthly statements from this place we're hemorrhaging fuckin money out of here
Georgie: No, Tone your right I don't
Tony: You think that shit grows on trees?
Georgie: [Genuinely confused by his idiom] ice? No I don't
Tony: What, are you getting cute with me?
Georgie: No
Tony: I think you are. I think you're getting a fuckin attitude on you
Georgie: I'm not. Ice, Tone when it hangs around...
Silvio: [Interrupts him, implying he should stop talking or he'll anger Tony even further] Georgie, be quiet
Georgie: It gets watery, it dilutes the drinks, especially scotch
Silvio: [Shakes his head, knowing Tony's going to beat Georgie] Jesus Christ
Tony: [throws a cup of ice at him from his right then beats him with the empty metal ice bucket] here throw it all away, waste it all Mr. John D. Rockefeller, waste it all!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: All right, obviously you told the cops you don't know who did this.
Vito: I'm upset, but please. I know how to keep my mouth shut.
Ralph: Unless of course there's a salami sandwich around.
Tony: [referring to his mother's friend that she accidently hit with her car] She broke her wrist on the steering column: Minor concession
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What about the other woman?
Tony: [before Melfi winches] Hip, we were down at the hospital until two in the morning, talking to her doctor and the gerontologist, their saying she shouldn't live alone anymore, she can't manage the telephone
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: And you say she's very healthy and alert?
Tony: Like a bull, why?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I'm just thinking and I know there are other doctors who are right there but you know from your own life that depression can cause accidents or performance, or worse
Tony: So, what're you saying, that she "unconsciously" tried to "whack" her best friend?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [sarcastically, irritated] It's "interesting" that you would take that from what I said. Either way, she could need a change in her living situation, be around more people
Tony: Well, we were looking at Green Grove
Tony: [to Bobby] You want more responsibility? Start by controlling your wife.
Tony: [Meadow refusing to accept a SUV from Tony as a gift] You don't want it? Fine, don't take it but I'll eat it before I give it back what am I a sucker? The guy owed me money and he did the right thing and offered the car as partial payment, you want to act holier than now? You right ahead but I'm not giving it back ,I'm going to take it and sell it to Pussy and use the money to buy clothes and food and shoes and cd players and all the rest of this shit I've been buying since the day you were born, everything this family has comes from the work I do a grown man made a wager, he lost he made another one, he lost again end of story, so take that high moral ground and sleep at the fucking bus station if you want
Tony: Where the fuck you been?
Silvio: [Before handing him a glass of liquor] I had some shit I had to take care of, your going to want a "snort"
Tony: Come on, I just finished my Bialy
Silvio: Take it. Burt Gervasi, his gone
Tony: What happened?
Silvio: I didn't want to overload you with AJ in the hospital
Tony: I don't want to hear that: go
Silvio: Burt let me know the other night his been playing both sides of the fence with New York
Tony: [Surprised] Burt?
Silvio: [as Tony notices a bandage on Sil's right hand] measures were taken. Burt wasn't speaking for just himself. The guys are getting squeezed hard to sway them to new management
Tony: And they thought you'd be part of it?
Silvio: And he got an answer. My hope is now Phil's got the message and talk this shit through
Tony: Talk?
Angie: [over the phone] we did all the repairs you said on Phil's car: he came over today and now he found a dent in the rear, the seat there's a problem with that
Tony: seat?
Angie: I didn't wanna get into these "extras" without checking with you
Angie: you wanna run a body shop? You run a bodyshop. You say you claim a "piece" of the garage, so you wanna be a woman in business, then do what the situation calls for
Angie: I just wanna put my kids through college
Tony: [referring to her husband supposedly leaving her and entering the witness protection program] that's a good thing. You know, some women left alone like that would've given up
Angie: before I outlay for these costs, I need to know...
Tony: [interrupts her, before hanging up] I'm not there, what'd I know? It's your call
Tony: [giving a toast for his cousin Tony B during a welcome dinner] I'll make this fast because I know your all hungry. I remember growing up, I was always asking why I just used to have sisters? I said to my mother "Can't you save up something and get me a baby brother?" And my mother said "What's wrong with your cousin Tony?" She was right because we were brothers except, we had the same name. There were like fifty Tony's in the family. Some of you remember this: my dad's name was "Johnny" and his dad's name was "Alfred", so whenever we were out running around, you'd hear "Tony uncle Johnny", that was for me, and "Tony uncle Al", that was for him and there was "Tony uncle Philly" but he passed away. So with Tony B being away, it's been hard but his back now... for good, so welcome home
Meadow: What stuff?
Carmela: This gay nonsense their teaching. I am sorry but Billy Budd is not a homosexual book
Meadow: Actually, it is mother
Carmela: I saw the movie Meadow with Terence Stamp
Colin: Terence Stamp was in the Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert
Carmela: I don't know about that but Billy Budd is a story about an innocent sailor being picked on by an evil boss
Meadow: Who's picking on him out of self loathing caused by homosexual feelings in the military context
Carmela: Oh, please
A.J. Soprano: OK
Alessandra: Actually Mrs. Soprano, there's a passage in the book where Melville compares Billy to a statue of Adam before the fall
A.J. Soprano: Really?
Tony: I thought you read it?
Paulie: Cocksucker was way out of line!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: 20 years old, this girl!
Paulie: That too.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [opens the compact fridge, slams it and gives it a good kicking] I been dreaming of that fucking lo mein all the way the fuck over here. Now, who came in here and ate my shit?
[Tony calls Hesh]
Hesh: Yeah.
Tony: I'm here with my non-shellfish eatin' friend. I gotta tell you somethin', I'm tapped out. This guy won't listen to reason.
Hesh: Didn't I tell you, huh? Didn't I warn you to keep away from those fanatics?
Tony: He's leaving me no options. This guy's willing to go down with the ship like no man I've ever seen.
Hesh: Here's a thought... Maybe he's willing to go to the world to come, but if he's stuck here on this earth, I know one thing that no man wants to go through life without.
Tony: What? Oh. That's a fuckin' brilliant idea.
Hesh: Make like a mohel, huh? Finish his bris.
Tony: Yeah.
[hangs up]
Tony: Paulie! Get the bolt cutters from out of the trunk! Ariel, we're goin' to Plan B.
Tony: How was Florida?
Phil: Hot and sticky, like my balls.
Vito: [to Tony] First off, I'd pay my way back in. I got two hundred grand that goes directly to you personally, no one needs to know. Long term: I know construction is out, I got contacts in Atlantic City, with your support I can set myself up there I'd be close, but not too close.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Ignores him and gets up to leave]
Christopher: [Referring to Jackie Jr] Little mother fucker, his going Tony. His going big time
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You sure it was Jackie Jr.?
Christopher: I find him, I'm doing him tonight
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No, your not
Christopher: Why not?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Because I said so
Christopher: Why?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I don't have to explain nothing to you
Christopher: Because his Jackie Aprile's kid? Your not going to let this go. You can't do that, he took a shot at me. He tried to kill Furio, we're "made."
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Every person you whack, you risk exposure. Major murders: it's what the Feds ask for Christmas
Christopher: Bullshit, your a fuckin hypocrite
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: The fuck you just say?
Christopher: You preach all this wise guy shit and meanwhile the only ones that got to play by rules are us. I loved you
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What happens is what I decide not you. Now you don't love me anymore that breaks my heart but it's too fuckin bad because you don't got to love me, but you will respect me
Carmela: Oh thank God his alive. It's my fault Tony, my pathetic need to compete with you clouding my judgment or I would never let him stay over in New York. I knew he wasn't ready. I went against all my instincts
Tony: His eyebrows will grow back, nothing really happened
Carmela: No, you know what happened? I said "fuck it" and you know why? To get him to love me as much as he loves you
Tony: He loves you. It's just that you're his mother it's different
Carmela: I can't be the villain anymore. I mean it and I can't say "fuck it." Take him: let him live with you
Carmela: Tony, these kids need a father!
Tony: They got one, Tony Soprano!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It wasn't like it was friggin' Cobain! It was just a little suicidal gesture, that's all.
Carmela: How are you? Everything ok?
Tony: [Showing her his school assignment] AJ left this in his room. I thought he might need it to turn in
Carmela: [after reading the name on the paper] did you even look at this? Who the hell is Anne Dunmn?
Tony: How should I know?
Carmela: Well, she's obviously some girl who was an expert on Lord of the Flies three years ago. This is an A+ paper
Tony: Since when do you eat duck?
Carmela: I can't believe he would do this
Tony: Neither could I, considering how tight he is with money
Carmela: That's not what I meant. What? You think he bought this? God damn it
Carmela: [after answering the phone] hello?
Robert: I was just laying here thinking about you. What're you wearing?
Carmela: [Trying to hide her affair with AJ's teacher from Tony by talking casually] yes hello Mr. Wegler, I'm afraid now's not a good time
Robert: I'm serious, I want to know
Carmela: [Attempting to end the conversation] Well yes thank you very much. I will make sure he brings it in, ok goodbye Mr. Wegler
Robert: I made reservation at that crab place down by the shore: dinner and a little night swimming
Carmela: [Before hanging up] Right, ok thank you
Tony: What'd that fag want?
Carmela: Jesus Christ Tony, everybody's a fag to you. Maybe your a fag? You ever think about that?
Tony: Could I help it if I know one when I see one?
Carmela: Oh really? What're the signs? Education? Culture?
Tony: Suckin a guy's cock usually tips me off
Carmela: How do you know who sucks whose cock? What? You got a little secret? And what'd you care if somebody's gay? Must be some big fear of yours or you wouldn't talk about it so much
[Joanne falls to her knees and cries]
Tony: Fuckin' James Brown now.
Carmela: [in their safe house, to Meadow as she leaves] See you Thursday
Meadow: [kisses and hugs Tony] Hi
Tony: [to Meadow] Where you going I just got here
Meadow: I'm really late meeting Patrick in the city,
Carmela: She smelled that odor too
Tony: your remodeling will fix all that
Carmela: Maybe it's toxic maybe we shouldn't be breathing it
Tony: It's not toxic, the odor is what? 90 years old? Its piss
Carmela: I've got to get home
Tony: I'm working on it
Carmela: I went to see Sil and Gab,oh my God
Tony: Yeah
Carmela: [Watching walk AJ walk Rhiannon to the door] Are you being careful? This kind of bothers me
Tony: What's she going to do? She should use the back door, wouldn't kick her out of bed for purging cookies
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Real funny, we're just friends
Tony: I know, nice work
Carmela: She's a model
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: She's doing some modeling, she's a junior in high school
Carmela: What?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: She's quitting modeling anyway she's tired of being exploited
Tony: Did you help your mother take the carpets outside? Put them in the sun?
Carmela: He did
Tony: Uncle Bobby's funeral is finally set, Thursday we're going to be there
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: How's that supposed to work? We're all in DEFCON 4, living in separate houses, we're going to stand out in the open at a cemetery?
Carmela: There's always a large FBI presence
Anthony: [to Carmela] You know, it's always what you think, isn't it? It's never how I feel.
Tony: Oh, poor you. It's all your mother fault, isn't it?
Anthony: I didn't say that.
Tony: You're a mama's boy.
Tony: [Referring to Christopher and Carmella] He was high a fuckin kite, I didn't tell her that
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: In retrospect, maybe not the best approach
Tony: Right, I'm the asshole, again
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [after noticing Tony pause for a second] what? No go ahead
Tony: It's amazing how some things work, his mother, my cousin Joanne: a lush, totally abandoned him as a parent and now she's reaping all the sympathy and tears .
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: How are you doing Anthony?
Tony: There's been some hard moments, a weak fuckin lying drug addict who fantasized about my downfall even showed people his filthy thoughts on a movie screen. I've seen friends died before, accidents even murder. My cousin Tony, they shot his face away. I was prostate with grief but this?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I see
Tony: And it occurs to me I hand carried this kid through the worst crisis he ever had. I can't go into particulars but wives, girlfriends they can complicate life in major ways I don't have to tell you that. It was a huge problem of his own making and he cried, he couldn't deal with it. So, I took up the slack. I handled it, I felt sorry for him and he talked gratitude but guess what pity produces in the recipient? They shit on your pity and that's what broke the camel's back.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: How are you dealing with this?
Tony: The worst part? Truthfully? Because I've got to sit there with people who are hurt bad and I've got to have the long face and the sighing, the platitudes but I don't feel it and that makes feel like a hypocrite
Meadow: [after Tony interrupts Eric and Meadow practicing music] do you mind? God
Tony: [Angrily] I'm trying to get some sleep, I've been working all night
Tony: How you doing Eric?
Eric: Pretty good
Tony: [Referring to his guitar skills] sounds good
Eric: Thanks
Meadow: Are you awake now?
Tony: Yeah
Meadow: Good, close the door
Tony: [Irritated by her attitude] hey! Where's your mother?
Meadow: The store. Oh, aunt Barb called, uncle Tom's father died
Tony: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Tom Sr.? When?
Meadow: I don't know
Tony: What the hell happened?
Meadow: I don't know
Tony: The guy's here almost every Christmas eve, you don't ask? Somebody says "Joe blow" died, nobody asks "how" or "what happened?"
Tony: [while closing her door referring to her lack of respect] Jesus
Tony: [asking her if she wants him to pour her wine while holding the bottle over her glass] a simple yes or no will do
Carmela: please
Carmela: [after Tony orders desert and coffee for everyone, to Brian] can I ask you a financial related question?
Tony: come on, the last thing the guy wants to talk about is talk shop.
Janelle: go ahead, ask him anything you want: it's all he likes to talk about
Carmela: it's no big thing, I was just wondering if you had any ideas what Tony and I should do with the "proceeds" from the property we sold in Newark?
Brian: [assuming she's referring to the real estate scam he and Tony were involved in with the Department of Housing and Urban Development] HUD?
Carmela: [confused] what?
Tony: [jokingly, pretending Brian is drunk, covering up for Brian's mistake, referring to the 1963 western] the kid loves Paul Newman movies: no more Grappa for you
Carmela: [to Tony] you know what I'm talking about, uncle Junior's lot over on Frelinghuysen Avenue
Tony: [referring to the money they made from the sale] oh yeah, that, it all went into the trust
Brian: T-bills, I was able to lock you in before the rates dropped
Tony: What do you get when you cross an accountant with a giant jet airplane? -- A Boring 747.
Christopher: [while Tony grabs him by the mouth] what's the matter now?
Tony: What's the matter? I got a call from Loiaco down at the brokerage firm: your two friends beat the shit out of a broker, two others quit
Christopher: The guy was pushing some other stock
Tony: It attracts negative attention and then the two fucks rip off a Porsche Carrera from our own building
Christopher: I'll call them
Tony: No, you'll go down there... now. What'd you get your license for? You're résumé? I've been telling you, spend more time down at the brokerage firm: you're the fuckin SEC compliance officer for Christ's sake, you gotta show impulse control, ok?
Christopher: I'm sorry
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Oh, hey dad. I was just taking out the trash, its garbage day tomorrow
Tony: What's different about you?
Carmela: He has no eyebrows Tony
Tony: [after looking carefully on both sides of his face] who did this?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: We were just screwing around
Tony: What'd you say to your mother?
Carmela: Tony...
Tony: [Sternly] what did you say?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: I said the F word
Tony: [Grabs him by the neck and holds him against the wall, referring to the new SUV he bought him] your finished. Your not going to drive that car until your forty-five years old! I'm selling it tomorrow
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Look, she wouldn't let me talk. I was trying to tell her what happened
Carmela: Oh, see? It's my fault
Tony: Let's hear it
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Well, I was going to go to Meadow's but there weren't any cabs and I didn't think you wanted me standing in the street at eleven thirty at night, we were right by the hotel
Carmela: Enough of your lying
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: I am not lying
Tony: Look at your face. If you have some sexual proclivity with that teacher or whatever now's the time to tell us. I mean what went on up there? Poppers and weird sex
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: What? No? Look we don't do drugs around some stupid dopers. I had a few beers but it just made me sick
Carmela: How could anybody believe what you say?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Because I told you. You never believe me
Tony: You had a couple beers
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Yeah
Tony: Didn't do any drugs?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: [Acting innocently, lying] No
Tony: [Sympathetically for AJ] Carmella, look a couple beers, he should be grounded yeah, it's not the end of the world
Carmela: [Shocked] what? You know what? I am sick of your bullshit, both of you. He can go live with you
Tony: Don't get dramatic now alright?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: What? Great, good!
Tony: [to AJ] Shut up
Carmela: I have never been more serious in my life
Tony: [to AJ] take out the trash, go outside
Tony: [Sits down next to her on the couch] what're we going to do? Really?
Carmela: What did I just say?
Tony: No, I mean really? Come on
Carmela: Did you think I was joking?
Tony: Carmella, this normal teenage shit. You remember us? The CYO dance, we left Artie out in the snow, he almost lost his fingers and we still laugh our asses off about it
Carmela: I don't really blame AJ. His doing what his suppose to, his testing the limits as much as he can. I blame myself
Tony: What are you talking about?
Carmela: You don't know what it's like to have your son hate your guts
Tony: [Dismissively] He doesn't hate your guts
Carmela: [referring to their daughter's main choice on where to go to college] What is this obsession with Berkley? What? Is she trying to get away from us?
Tony: Absolutely: that's her job
Carmela: Go ahead, laugh. What are you gonna do if she gets into Berkley and not into Notre Dame and Georgetown?
Tony: She's in the National Honor Society for Christ's sake
Carmela: Don't be naïve, please? How do you think Hunter Scangarelo got into Reed College? Her uncle. That's how, him and his wife are graduates
Tony: That little freak show isn't gonna get into college anyway
Carmela: Second Baby Boom: grades, great SAT scores, it's not enough anymore, it's all who you know and how many buildings you give
Tony: What'd you want me to do, huh?
Tony: [while in the backyard, referring to her cigarette] let me get a "hit" off that
Janice: [Sarcastically, implying his scared of Carmella because his sneaking outside to smoke] oh, look who's in charge here
Tony: You look sensational, really, I was out of line
Janice: Two beautiful kids: you must be proud
Tony: Yeah, how about that huh? Even with our genes
Tony: [Referring to her lover] so you still with that "Adolf?"
Janice: [Correcting him] Ralph, no Ralph went back to Andorra. You seem good, "wood"-wise
Tony: Yeah, things are good these days
Janice: So how are things really with Ma?
Tony: She's dead to me
Janice: I don't want to get in your way here. You're the one who stayed: took the "brunt", Barb and I are never gonna forget that
Tony: Well, you forgot about it for about it for... twenty years, at least Barb pitched in
Janice: I know I made my share of mistakes but Ma can't stay in the hospital forever
Tony: Let me tell about the "stroke" of hers and I got this from a doctor: it's called a "conversion reaction", it's a big fuckin "opry" brought on by repressed rage: it's bullshit, there was no "infarct", whatever the fuck
Janice: Yeah but they also the symptoms are similar to a stroke so the results are the same: she cannot take care of herself
Tony: She's "on the lamb" in that hospital from me
Janice: Who did what to who is not my business. All I know is that mom is bewildered by all of this, I mention you and her eyes fill up with tears
Tony: [Amused] oh boy
Janice: Look, I'm not asking you to step in here... it's my turn now, that's why I came
Tony: She's a "streg", she's the devil
Janice: She was, now she's just a confused old woman. So look, all I need is a couple bucks to fix her car so I can back and forth to the hospital, then I'll take her home to Seattle, maybe stay at her house here "temporarily"
Tony: Oh, I doubt that, I just put her house on the market
Janice: Oh
Tony: [Before giving her money] look, I'm glad you're here ok? You want to play Florence Nightingale? That's your choice, only this is the last time we mention her in this house
[about DVD players]
Tony: I hear there's not as many titles available as on laser.
Brendan: You know, there's more coming, though.
Paulie: My internist told me the picture's not that different from laser either, Tone.
Brendan: But the sound, way improved.
Tony: Good. 'Cause nothing beats popping up some Orville Redenbacher's and listening to "Men in Black".
Livia: [at the dinner table talking about AJ's behavior] Oh, his father was the same way. I practically LIVED in that vice principal's office.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Could we not, please?
Livia: Well, you only remember what you want to remember. Yeah, well, I must have had another son who stole a car when he was ten years old.
[pause]
Livia: Yeah, he could barely see over the steering wheel.
Tony: [after meeting Barone's secretary] Nice rack
Dick: Born Again Christian
Tony: [intrigued] Oh yeah?
Dick: Listen, while I have you here we may have a little problem: Richie Aprile
Tony: Yeah, I know, I heard he tipped the truck at the deli in Nutley
Dick: Fucking guy but that's not it. One of our drivers, Richie's got him running an operation selling blow along the routes: now the Department of Sanitation I can handle but if the DEA gets involved, we're gonna lose our 901
Tony: Son of a fuckin bitch
Dick: I'm sorry, I don't like to break your balls
Tony: You know that piece of shit is gonna be my brother-in-law? Nice huh?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Your thoughts have sort-of an Eastern flavor to them.
Tony: Well, I've lived in Jersey all my life.
Tony: [after leaving the meeting, shouting, pounding the steering wheel in anger] what the fuck did I say?
Christopher: I'm sorry T, I just thought...
Tony: Now I've got to un-fuck what you just fucked up, I've got to do something nice to John, like what? What the fuck am I suppose to do? You've got to understand this shit between Johnny and Little Carmine is bad: the instability but worse comes to worse, it could work to our advantage
Christopher: How?
Tony: If they fight we pick up any crumbs from the fallout. The odds are Johnny will end up on top but who knows? So keep your ears open and keep your mouth shut!
Tony: [Referring to Gloria while getting worked up] I'm telling you something's fucked up here because one minute she's fine and the next minute she's a fuckin lunatic
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I asked you whether or not she seemed like a happy person?
Tony: Oh, by that I'm suppose to know she's going to throw a fuckin roast beef at my head?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Read into things however you chose
Tony: [Calming down] why does everything have to be so hard? I'm not saying I'm perfect but I do the right thing by my family. Doesn't that count for anything?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I think we should discuss what attracted you to Gloria in the first place
Tony: [Rubbing his head] we've been through that already
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: And Irina before her
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Listing the commonalities of Tony's past mistresses, eventually implying those qualities are similar to his mother] depressive personalities, unstable, and impossible to please. Does that remind you of any other woman?
Paulie: [referring to Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bonpensiero] There isn't even anything wrong with his back
Tony: What'd you mean?
Paulie: Remember that guy hit me in the head with that pool cue and I fucked my neck up?
Tony: Yeah, down at the shore
Paulie: Right, I went to this doctor, this guy works on the Jets frontline when they get hurt. "He's like the fuckin "Jonas Salk" of backs. Anyway, I sent Pussy to this doctor, the guy gives him the "works", MRI's, CAT scans, dog scans, you name it and he says not a fuckin thing wrong with his back
Paulie: [when Tony doesn't respond] Then again, he says "When it comes to backs, nobody knows anything really".
Phil: [During a sit-down] six hundred and twenty-five k for the track plus all that land, that's it?
Hesh: That was a zoning restriction: you're lucky we got a buyer at all
Johnny: Here's what I propose: Tony gets one fifty, twenty-five percent comes from you, and the other seventy-five percent of that comes from Hesh
Phil: Jesus Christ that's like forty grand, you've got to be kidding me John
Johnny: Am I smiling?
Phil: You got some balls kid. I'll give you that much
Tony: You'll give me what I tell you to give me
Johnny: Whoa Tony
Silvio: Take it easy, take it easy
Tony: Fuck that. This ain't the 70's, and I'm not a kid
Phil: Relax, it's an expression
Tony: Well, here's another one expression. You got five days to give me my money
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You make your own luck in life.
Assemblyman Zellman: Restaurants, stores, slips for luxury yachts
Tony: [to Johnny] We'll call my plumber at the electrical unions: the steel, the brickwork, it's all yours
Johnny: We need to have a conversation about Local 187
Assemblyman Zellman: [to Johnny] You gotta come by the office, see the scale model, the guy even makes little people walking on the street
Johnny: [jokingly] Fuckin Newark, they got little hookers giving little blowjobs?
Johnny: [stands up] I gotta go take a leak
Assemblyman Zellman: So, I got a call from Eddie Volar at the PBA: your "friend", the cop? His bitching about losing his overtime. His got some black officer squad looking into his case
Tony: oh, yeah?
Assemblyman Zellman: If you want, I can get it "squashed", get him reassigned
Tony: [after thinking it over] You know what? Fuck him, cocksucker got what he deserved
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [talking privately] Couple guys we know: their... Lebanese or some shit, they diverted a truck, a whole semi-trailer full of Centrum Multivitamins
Phil: That's a fuckin' score
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: yeah, the thing is, it's gotta be unloaded out of state because the troopers are on it, you interested? It could be distributed in... Long Island
Phil: [referring to the percentage of the profit] What's my end?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Fifty, fifty
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: But it's gotta be done now: tonight
Phil: [after thinking it over] Alright, in this case, I thinking we should spare John the stress of hearing about this
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [before agreeing to the deal by shaking hands] Well, the situation his in, his got enough to deal with
[referring to Adrianna's health]
Tony: Are you still feeling sick, Hon?
Christopher: Please! They've gotta replace her colon with a semi-colon.
Tony: [Referring to his son] maybe I don't want to admit there's something wrong with my kid but this sounds like bullshit to me
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What'd you mean?
Tony: If it's a disease why do they tell me to punish him? Doesn't that sound like bullshit?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: ADD is a controversial subject
Tony: Is it a disease or is it a way for these psychologists to line their pockets?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Many children can benefit from professional intervention
Tony: He got into a little trouble
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So, you don't consider his behavior out of the norm?
Tony: No, I don't know, what do I know about it?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What'd you mean?
Tony: Oh, I've got to spell it out for you?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you see his behavior a reflection of your own?
Tony: Look like I said maybe I don't want to admit there's something wrong but if his got this "thing", we'll deal with it. If he had Polio, we'll deal with it. You pick up the pieces and you go on from there so that's what we're going to do
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you have anything else you want to say about this?
Tony: [Shakes his head]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Last time you were telling me you had intimate feelings for me
Tony: "Intimate feelings"? I think I said I was in love
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: How are you doing with it?
Tony: Well, I can't just turn off my feelings because you tell me it's a by-product of therapy
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I never said you should turn off your feelings
Tony: Well, I already got a girlfriend. She's Russian she's twenty four. How old are you?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I find it interesting it took you so long to tell me you have a girlfriend
Tony: Look, I've got to ask you one more question about my son, you think I should go easy on him or press him a little harder?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: That's difficult to say
Tony: [Tony gets into Christopher's car and punches his head in anger] What the fuck is wrong with you?
Christopher: Didn't Paulie tell you I haven't been feeling good?
Tony: I wipe my ass with your feelings.
Christopher: Thanks, thanks a lot
Tony: Drive the fucking car, we're under the microscope and I heard you shot some civilian in the foot because he made you wait for buns?
Christopher: Fucking Paulie
Tony: Don't blame fucking paulie, Makazian comes to me and tells me Nutley PD has got a description make and of the car, why don't you leave a fucking urine sample next time?
Christopher: If I could've...
Tony: [shouting] SHUT UP and Georgie comes into the club his got vomit all over his shirt I ask him what the fuck, he says your digging up somebody you clipped three months ago
Christopher: I was...
Tony: [shouting] SHUT UP, people that shit they want to get caught
Christopher: I want to get caught?
Tony: Yeah you want to get aught I've seen that before that's cowboy-itis you want to be a big bad guy Christopher?
Christopher: I was worried I didn't...
Tony: [shouting] SHUT UP
Christopher: Can I try and explain here? I don't know it's just the regularness of life it's just too hard for me or something I don't know
Tony: [Patting and rubbing Christopher's head] Look at you. I bet you're sleeping all the time right?
Christopher: It's the only thing I still enjoy. You know what I think? Maybe I have cancer, remember how Jackie got it?
Tony: Cancer?
Christopher: Something horrible is going on inside my body, there's a physical change or something
Tony: does this word cancer pop into your head a lot, or a little bit or what?
Christopher: [Confused] What?
Tony: I'm thinking maybe your depressed.
Christopher: Me? I'm no fucking "mental midget"
Tony: Right.
Herman 'Hesh' Rabkin: I hear Junior wants to whack Pussy Bonpensiero.
Tony: Pussy Malanga.
Herman 'Hesh' Rabkin: Oh, Little Pussy.
Tony: Yeah, Little Pussy. You think he's going to fuck with Big Pussy? My Pussy?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: He's a come-from-behind kind of guy.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I was just down at the stables. I got some bad news: Pie-o-My, she was in a fire. She's dead
Ralph: Wow, oh Jesus. That's why Lois called me and left four messages on the machine
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Three other horses too
Ralph: Jesus, oh Tone I just made some coffee and eggs
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Sorry about the timing
Ralph: [Referring to his son's accident] oh no, actually I got some good news on Justin. They think it'll just be speech. Poor kid will have to learn how to talk all over again, and years of rehab
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: That's good
Ralph: Walk and use his hands. Life goes on huh? One day at a time
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Lois said the horse was still alive. It was burnt so bad, they had to put it out of its misery
Ralph: I don't even want to think about it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: At this point, the fire Marshall said it looks "accidental."
Ralph: What sick fuck would do something like that on purpose huh?
Ralph: [while making breakfast eggs] you know I was telling Justin's mother sour cream is the secret ingredient
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Right, what sick fuck?
Ralph: What?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It's funny about God, fate, and shit like that. The horse gets better and we take out two hundred grand insurance in the race coming up. Suddenly there's a fire
Ralph: What're you saying? You think I had something to do with it?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I didn't
Ralph: Anthony, what're you a horse investigator now? Come on, they said it was an accident, right?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know what? Maybe I will have some eggs
Ralph: Toast?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah. How's Corky Ianucci? You heard from him lately? You know Sil used him in the restaurant fire: excellent work
Ralph: You know, I don't understand you Anthony. We got lucky. That accidental fire was a bolt from beyond. The horse was no fuckin good with the colic all the time, and the fuckin bills
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What're you talking about? She bounced back
Ralph: This time, but each time it takes something out of him. It was all downhill from here. Now, I know it's tragic to think this way but you can't argue with the fuckin logic
Jimmy: [over the phone, referring to the feud between Johnny Sack and Little Carmine which Johnny Sack won] the "tennis match" with those guys: my guy won
Tony: oh, yeah?
Jimmy: [referring to Little Carmine] the other one, the son, he "dropped out"
Tony: what, he got hurt?
Jimmy: nothing like that, it's settled, that's all
Tony: [before hanging up the phone] alright
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Why did you have to underhanded? I don't find that appealing frankly
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I was going to ask you out for coffee or something but I didn't think you'd want to go. I'll pay for the hour, that goes without saying
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Forget that
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I was listening to that guy on TV: Dr. Phil and he was talking about a "similar situation" and he said if you could and if you wanted to there's no set rules, it's basically about malpractice, and you probably couldn't get sued
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: That's not the point
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I was thinking about all kinds of moves: buy her a piece of jewelry, pay the guy to close down the restaurant where she eats lunch, and hire a mandolin player. This is the place where we've been most honest with each other and that's the way I always liked it, so that being said, if you don't like me personally or the cut of my gib or my face or whatever then the matter will end here and I will never ask you out again. You can be honest
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I like you Anthony, and no you have a very nice face
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm working on the weight too by the way
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Stands up] good, explain to me ok? Why this is such a matter of such importance to you. There must be plenty of women out there
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Your different from what's out there, not to mention being drop dead beautiful
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: My training teaches me to go fairly quickly to the idea that you really want to come back to therapy
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Standing up, realizing she's right] Jesus Christ oh mighty will ya?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Your marriage of twenty something years has collapsed. No doubt there are issues with your children
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Why can't I do something that's just for me for a change?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It would be for you
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I want you. Not just for the smart things you say. I want your skin. I want your mouth. I want your eyes
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You project all these qualities onto me, you don't know me. This is what happens between a doctor and patient...
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [after he kisses her] don't do that
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Out of respect for this office. Forget about the way that Tony Soprano makes his way in the world, that's just to feed his children. There's two Tony Sopranos. You've never seen the other one. That's the one I want to show you
Tony: [Standing in his kitchen while leaning on the island counter] Coffee?
Salvatore: No
Tony: You look good, tan
Salvatore: Yeah, right
Tony: The "tan ghost"
Salvatore: You're a good guy Tony but you abuse that joking shit
Tony: What'd got to say to me?
Salvatore: Yeah I'm back. I'm in a fuckin "tan" nightmare. What'd you think I'm stupid? I don't know it when everyone of my friends turns their hearts to stones against me
Tony: Take it easy ok? I don't think your stupid
Tony: Talk about a trip. I met this girl, fuckin' beautiful. We did peyote.
Silvio: Come on!
Bobby: Really?
Carlo: Bobby did mushrooms once. Stuffed mushrooms, a whole fuckin' platter.
Ralph: So is there any investment advice for an ambitious young man like myself
Brian: "Buy land I guess because God ain't making any more of it", that's what Will Rogers said
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It's true, my house is worth nearly triple of what I paid
Ralph: Location's the key right? Otherwise you get stuck with shit
Brian: Sometimes there's money in shit
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: How'd you mean?
Brian: Nothing, I don't know
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: We're just talking here come on
Brian: I don't know. Some guy I went to school with, this black guy. We worked for one summer for this not-for-profit housing group. He told me about some scam this minister was involved in up in Harlem
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I read about this: fake mortgage loans or something right?
Brian: Actually, you ever hear of HUD?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Housing Development yeah
Brian: HUD was set up to help minorities and low income families become home owners
Ralph: There are more programs for these dead beats I swear to Christ
Brian: As long as the Fed is guaranteeing the home mortgage the banks figure "what the hell?" They'll loan the money. You get a front man to buy houses in a crummy neighborhood. I'm talking real shit boxes that are worth like a hundred grand a piece. Next, you tie up with some not-for-profit organization who goes to HUD and say they intend to buy these houses from your stooge
Christopher: [Referring to throwing little Paulie out a window] I did a stupid thing Tone, I won't deny it
Tony: Stupid? I just hung up with Paulie, his nephew's got six broken vertebrates
Christopher: I know that and I'm sorry but this is the second fuckin time Paulie flouted his authority to my face. This shit with the tools, I know he set up the deal with the Cubans but this my father-in-law we're talking about: my family
Tony: In any case this bullshit could've been handled with a conversation
Christopher: I came to the Bing remember? I tried to talk to you about it
Tony: And I told you to wait and you left to go God knows where. I've got to be honest because this goes directly to what we've talked about more than once. If you were around more you'd have your finger on pulse problems like these would've squashed in the womb
Christopher: Whether I'm around has nothing to do with it. He needed the tools? He could've left me a message
Tony: [Sarcastically] we're supposed to leave phone messages about interstate hijackings now? How about faxes? Emails? Make it even easier for the cops. This is a face to face business, Christopher and yeah I'm going to talk to Paulie because believe me there's a few things he needs to hear. But in the mean time you figure out how much he owes for the tools and we'll deduct that against with what your going to owe for little Little Paulie's hospital bills
Tony: [repeated line when someone questions his agenda or refuses his help] what am I? A toxic person?
Bobby: [reading from index cards, helping Junior prepare to fake his mental competency to stand trial] first question: what is today's date?
Junior: [before Bobby chuckles] a blonde with big tits and a hat full of Viagra
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: yeah, cute, fuck around: just when that government shrink gets ahold of you, you better know how to fake this
Junior: I could do it in my sleep
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: oh, yeah? What's your name?
Junior: [pretending not to know] my name?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You can't know your name because then they know your fuckin with them
Bobby: listen to this: give the subject a piece of paper, ask them draw a circle, fold the paper in half, and give it back. These demented old bats can't do that
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: maybe you should wipe your ass with the paper, then they'll know you're a whack job?
Junior: [angrily to Tony when Bobby laughs] you think this funny? I'm a source of amusement, I pretend to wipe my ass in front of people
Bobby: [to Junior] nah, take it easy
Junior: I lived my whole life with dignity, now I gotta pretend I'm a fuckin drooling idiot
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: this is just a good clean way out, that's all
Junior: my poor fuckin brother Ercole: how they mocked him
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [meeting in Johnny Sack's backyard] Phil has to understand that a punishment has been meted out, and what we are here for, in the end, is to provide, for our sons, our families, the future.
John: He doesn't accept that. His family is smaller by one.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Then, my friend, it's up to you to make him accept that.
John: Make him?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Let's talk, John, about the 500-pound elephant in the room, which is that you started this cycle of bloodshed when you whacked that girl Carmine used to fuck.
John: Lorraine Caluzzo was not a girl. And what kind of man bangs his second cousin?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What are you, the friggin' cardinal? Look, you want to shut down our joint construction projects, eat K-rations, fine. You want Phil to put one into one of my guys, well, that's gonna take you a long way from the rich prick you always wanted to be.
John: So, what do you suggest?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Whatever his legitimate sorrow is, his got a price, he wants to provide for his family.
John: And?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: and what?Meet his price, and that's it, I don't want to nothing else
John: Oh, you don't?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I paid enough, John, I paid a lot.
John: Maybe I can sell it. Truth is, we had discussions. I gave him the sports book.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah? Why didn't you say it right off, you cheap fuck?
John: Because I don't like it. He's gonna want a consiglieri, and who knows what...
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [before hugging each other] All right, all right, let's not go backwards now.
John: Those people you run into who want to be the boss. They should know, huh?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I told you, but you don't listen, you nut.
John: It's good, seeing you again
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm still looking forward to working with you, John.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It's always good news until it ain't.
Tony: [stares at the desert sun] I get it. I get it!
Tony: [Tony enters the room and everybody becomes quiet] alright let's dispense with the five hundred pound elephant in the room, my kid tried to off himself we all fucking know, that's it? Nobody's got nothing to say?
Bobby: How's he doing?
Tony: They got him "under observation" whatever the fuck that means
[to himself]
Tony: stupid fuck, where did I lose this kid?
[to everybody]
Tony: what did I do wrong?
Silvio: Don't blame yourself
Bobby: A lot of pressure on kids today
Tony: It's enough for him to try to kill himself?
Bobby: It happens
Tony: [to Bobby] did it happen to your kids?
[to patsy]
Tony: or yours?
Patsy: They're all different my son Patrick I love him to death but he can be a moody prick sometimes
Silvio: When heather was fifteen she went through a rough patch
Patsy: Jason same thing, his got the hyperactivity to boot
Carlo: My son too, the older one James
Paulie: He tried to kill himself?
Carlo: No, I don't know he gets the blues
Silvio: The important thing is AJ is getting the help he needs, whatever it is I'm sure it's just a chemical imbalance
Paulie: If you ask me it's all these toxins the kids are exposed to, it fucks with their brains, between the Mercury in fish alone, it's a wonder why there's even more kids jumping off bridges
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [while in Neil's office, referring to his mother and the airline tickets he bought through the Scatino bust out] I knew I was giving her a bad ticket: That "voice"
Neil: It's done: it's over, my advice now is to put it behind you. If this is all there is, these twenty-three tickets, they don't have "butt-kiss" and they know it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I know it's a small but don't you see? That's the fuckin point, one more minute, if I could've just stood there, saying "Yes ma, ok ma", I hear ya ma", one more fuckin minute I wouldn't be here in this spot. I beat a homicide and I fucked up. I "blew" an "easy one. I "blew" everything
Neil: Tony...
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [interrupts him] No, fuckin "Tony", we got federal charges, we got the FAA, before this is over, their gonna pin the Egypt Air "thing" on me and you fuckin know it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [sighs, becoming nervous] Predicates up the ass, fuckin RICO case, thirty to life
Neil: Don't think about that now: you'll make bail. There's no "capital crimes", get on with life
Bobby: [after entering the room] Vito, he was found beat to death in a motel near Fort Lee, my cop up there told me. Plus the homicide detectives said he had a pool cue rammed up his ass
Christopher: [Jokingly] Lovers' quarrel, maybe
Tony: Look, we all know who did it
Christopher: Phil: fuckin balls on that prick, what'd I always say about him?
Carlo: [after entering the room and noticing the expression on everyone's face] I see you've heard the news, it must've been Phil right?
Silvio: [comparing him to the fictional reporter that appeared in the comic books] Jimmy Olsen over here
Carlo: I know I was out of line but still you kind of have to admire the guy. It's not all talk with him. I'm just saying he saved us all a lot of trouble right?
Tony: It can't have been an easy decision: killing a made guy. Naturally Phil won't brag about it because he can't. Phil's in a touch situation. His family, honor was stained. If I got to Vito first that result would've been the same
Patsy: I wish I borrowed money from Vito
Carmela: [Confronting Christopher at his intervention] I know you were high at my mother-in-law's wake.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: My mudda's wake!
Tony: Okay. I need to tell you something and I want you to hear it from me, not from some asshole on the street. About four, five months ago I started seeing a psychiatrist. I was passing out, and they couldn't find nothing. She's been helping me with that... Okay, c'mon, give it to me. Give it to my face. C'mon.
Silvio: Well, I'm sure you did it with complete discretion. And speaking for Pussy, if he's still alive, I'm sure he would agree.
Tony: Business was not discussed, no names were mentioned. Junior knows. He's decided to use it against me. Ask now. 'Cause we're not discussing this again.
Paulie: It's not the worst thing I ever heard. I was seeing a therapist myself about a year ago. I had some issues. Enough said. I learned some coping skills.
Silvio: Look, this thing of ours, the way it's going, it'd be better if we could admit to each other these painful, stressful times. But it'll never fucking happen.
Tony: What about you? You got a problem with this?
Christopher: It's like marriage counseling?
Tony: Yeah. Like that. Sort of, yeah.
Tony: [about Janice] She's lucky she isn't here or I'd be bouncing her fucking head against the wall!
Major: I for one think Anthony can greatly benefit from our program which as I candidly told him is very rigorous
Carmela: I will be very frank with you Major Zwingli, I do not agree with this hard-nosed discipline
Carmela: Mother's seldom do until he starts opening doors for you and pulling back your chair
Tony: Now that'd be a miracle, that's something we thought we could hope for
Carmela: What about creativity Tony? Independent thought?
Major: I stressed rather heavily with Anthony notions of duty and group think but I didn't think for now mention the army's motto of today: Be an Army of One
Carmela: Why be an army at all? How about a veterinarian? Isn't there enough war? Amputees? Horrible displaced...
Tony: [Interrupts her] his just going to march around a little bit
Major: I wouldn't get too hung up on the marching aspect, its part of it but it's nothing compared to the mentoring that comes through small class size, faculty involvement, and dorm life
Carmela: Well, that sounds wonderful certainly
Major: We've created too many options for our kids you can't blame them for being confused and when things go wrong we file them off to the ever burgeoning for profit substance recovery industry
Tony: This "Army of One" thing, what happens when each army of one decides "fuck it I'm not going over the top of the fox hole" or blew the lieutenant's head off? Because they've been told "be an army of one"
Major: I would submit Audie Murphy was an army of one
Carmela: [to Tony] is that what we're preparing him for? A career in the military?
Tony: No, no
Major: One day at a time
Carlo: [Asking Finn what he saw Vito was doing with the security guard] "Catching" not "pitching"?
Finn: [Nods] He's not going to know I told you?
Paulie: You're going to have no problem from Vito, believe me.
Finn: [Nervously] What are you going to do?
Christopher: It'll be ok, we'll get him into therapy.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Giving Finn money] Why don't you go out front, get yourself a sandwich and a soda? Any kind you like when we're done here, somebody will drive you back.
[Finn takes the money and leaves]
Christopher: [laughing] I want to kill the fat faggot myself. It'd be a fucking honor to cut off his pishadeel and feed it to him!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to everybody] There's no mistake now.
Paulie: [Yelling] I can't believe I stuck up for him. I feel like I've been stabbed in the heart.
Bobby: We can't have him in our social club anymore, that much I do know.
Carlo: "Social club"? He's got to go.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I want to think about it.
Bobby: I don't know...
Paulie: [Stands up yelling] *What the fuck is there to think about?*
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to paulie] Sit down.
Paulie: [Yelling] Fuck that! I'll say it again, what the fuck is there to think about?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Yelling] Are you going to take care of his kids? When he's gone?
Christopher: That's true. They didn't do anything, poor little guys.
Paulie: [to tony] I'm sorry if I yelled. It's just... How much betrayal can I take?
Christopher: Vito a fag, big construction tycoon. When he was always talking about "greasing the union, who knew that's what he meant?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to everybody] This stays in these four walls.
Tony: [referring to his father's former mistress] So I talked to her for like an hour, turns out her and my old man had a "thing", right up until he died. He got from her what he couldn't get at home, support, love, a smile when you walk through the fuckin door
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you think that justifies his infidelity?
Tony: She drove him into that woman's arms, my mother, to all his women. I'll tell you one thing: all the years he was rotten in that grave, I can't remember once my mother visiting him but this lady Fran...
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [interrupts him] It's possible your mother found it very painful?
Tony: [sarcastically] Oh, poor her
Paulie: [talking privately on two tables in out front of Satriale's] Tone, I never told this to another livin' soul but...
Tony: Yeah?
Paulie: One time at the Bing, I was alone to meet Eddie Lind. I saw the Virgin Mary.
Tony: Why didn't you say somethin'? Fuck strippers, we coulda had a shrine. Sold holy water in gallon jugs. Coulda made millions.
Silvio: [losing at poker as Matt Bevilaqua tries to sweep up the crumbs under his chair] What the fuck are YOU doing?
Tony: Sil, take it easy.
Silvio: I'm losing my balls over heeeere! This fuckin' moron's playing Hazel? Get the fuck outta here!
Matt: I was just trying to sweep the cheese away from...
Silvio: Why? Why NOW? Leave it there!
Matt: I don't know, I was just...
Silvio: What?
[to Tony]
Silvio: Where do you get these fuckin' idiots, huh? Where do you get 'em? He's sweeping the cheese, I'm trying ta...
[to Matt, shouting]
Silvio: Leave the fuckin' cheese there! All right? I love fuckin' cheese at my feet! I stick motherfuckin' provolone in my socks at night, so they smell like your sister's crotch in the morning! All right? So leave the fuckin' cocksuckin' cheese WHERE IT IS!
[Scoops the rest of the food from his plate onto the floor]
Silvio: Here, here, here! Go ahead. Have a good time!
[Sits back down to make a bet]
Silvio: 800.
Dr. Ira Freid: Call.
Silvio: [to Dr. Fried] And why don't you go fix a fuckin' dick or whatever the fuck it is you do.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: That must have been devastating.
Tony: No, it turned out it was no big deal.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: To see your father handcuffed, being led away by the police.
Tony: At the time I thought my head was gonna explode. He looked... helpless. When I got home my mother had a different perspective, which made me feel better.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So in her pain she reached out to you.
Tony: That's one way to put it.
[cut to a scene of Tony's youth]
Young: Your father may not be home for dinner tonight. Go wash up.
Young: I know.
Young: What do you know?
Young: I saw him getting arrested. What did he do?
Young: He didn't do anything. They just pick on the Italians.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: More is lost by indecision than wrong decision.
Tony: [on the back patio in her new mansion] You want a pastry?
Janice: I need to watch my weight, snag another husband, you're the only one that realizes that's a joke, that joke you made about me giving guys head under the boardwalk
Tony: He took it so seriously, Bobby
Janice: Anyway thank you for being here
Tony: What happens now?
Janice: Well, Robert already said he wants to go live with aunt
Tony: What about Sophia?
Janice: Nica is my daughter she's very much into her older sister, Sophia's out of her mind if she thinks she's getting out of this house
Tony: Is that a joke? Because that even got by me, in five or six years ago when Johnny Sack bought this house this was all corn fields
Janice: I'd like to give it a shot with Bobby's kids, Bobby would want it, I put in a lot of effort with Sophia, baking together, I actually think we have a bond, I had therapy, I'm a good mother I put Ma and all her warped shit behind me
Tony: Good, maybe you can a form a new nuclear family, bring Harpo down here, it's a big place
Janice: Harpo changed his name, I's Hal now
Tony: If you need anything you know I'm minutes away
[Tony stands up and leaves]
French: [first referring to the medication to treat HIV] you've goy=t a bit of success with "BikTarv", right? Well, at this moment we could also sell to you "Fosamax" medication for Osteoporosis for women in their bones. Now, one month's supply of Fosamax four pills, sells for seventy US dollars from the pharmacy: we sell four pills to you for ten US dollars
Tony: their counterfeit?
French: no, their true, just expired: change the date, nobody knows
Tony: [after looking at the medical booklet they gave him] how many Fosamax can you get?
French: fifty thousand pills every three months
Bobby: is there some way we can get you to lower your price?
French: you're already making a big profit, that's a good deal and we'll give you the first pills in one week: Monday
Tony: [after the French-Canadian men speak to each other in their native language] what?
French: I cannot come the week next because my sister has problems in the court
Tony: you got a good lawyer? It makes all the difference
French: the old husband, they want to take the child they have together to Winnipeg because he's some drummer over there, you believe this?
French: she never sees her son
Bobby: separate a child from his mother? What kind of person does this?
French: I would give anything to be free of this shit: to have him gone from her life
Tony: that's very tough talk
French: I'm very serious
Tony: [after thinking it over] I'll tell you what, you knock your price down to thirty-five grand and we'll see what we can do about making your sister's custody problem "go away" and I'm not talking about a lawyer either
French: who does this, you pay some drug addict?
Tony: no, somebody reliable
Tony: [to Bobby after the French-Canadian men leave to talk privately] you'll take care of this, right?
Bobby: sure
Tony: no bow and arrows now
Carmela: [before turning on the light] I can't sleep
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after being woken up by her] Somebody call?
Carmela: [referring to AJ] It's not only his a complete stranger to the "truth", his got this "dead streak" in him: It chills me to the bone
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Fuckin spoiled that's all, we gave him too much
Carmela: He went to school with a lot of privileged kids, most of are off in ivy league universities now, doing very well. No, this "something" in him, deep down it's like this big "fuck you" to everything
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I don't know what that's about?
Carmela: You remember the whole "God is dead" business? The day of his confirmation?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Maybe he'll surprise us?
Carmela: [sarcastically] Aren't you the "sunny optimist", when you wanna go to sleep?
Tony: So, what happened in school today?
Vito: I get blamed for everything
Tony: The girl was developed mentally disabled
Vito: [Remains silent]
Tony: Uncle Phil said he talked to you. Is he just wasting his breath? Is that what your telling us?
Vito: [Continues to remain silent]
Tony: This trouble you're causing, I'm very disappointed because you were always a good kid
Vito: You don't even know me
Tony: What's that suppose to mean?
Vito: Sometimes you call me "Carlo Jr."
Tony: All I know is that I couldn't shut your dad up about how a good kid you were. We were friends you know
Vito: Butt buddies?
Tony: Your being funny? That's good because I'm sure you miss him: a lot. Whatever he was and now I'm going to say some things and your going to look at me
Vito: [Looks away, before suddenly raising his voice] I'm not moving to fuckin Maine!
Tony: You think anybody wants that? Do you know how much that's going to cost? Your mother?
Vito: Whatever
Tony: [Grabs his face in anger] listen I'm not some social worker, you knock this weird shit off or I'm going to introduce you to a plate glass window
Vito: Somebody should've told my dad to knock off the weird shit off
Tony: You go about and pity yourself. What about your mother? What she's been through?
Vito: What am I suppose to do about it?
Tony: Look, your dad's gone. You're the man of the house now. Start fuckin acting like it
Tony: [to Christopher and Eugene during their making ceremony] you know why we're here, if you have any or reservations now is the time to say so, no one will think less of you this family comes before anything else EVERYTHING before your wife and your children and your mother and your father it's a thing of honor and God forbid you get sick and something happens to you and you can't earn we'll take care of you because that's part of it
Paulie: If you have a problem you just have to let somebody know
[turns to tony this man right here]
Paulie: his like your father it doesn't matter if it's somebody here or the outside you bring it to him and he'll solve it for you
Tony: You stay within the family, give me your hand
[tony takes a needle from Paulie and pricks a finger from Christopher and Eugene]
Tony: that's St. Peter, my family's saint as that card burns so may your soul burn in hell if you betray your friends in your family
[puts the burning St. Peter card in Christopher and Eugene's hands]
Tony: now rub your hands like this and repeat after me: May I burn in hell if I betray my friends
Christopher: May I burn in hell if I betray my friends
Eugene: May I burn in hell if I betray my friends
Tony: Congratulations
[everyone applauses]
Tony: [while entering their apartment, jokingly] flower delivery
Meadow: hi, come on in, I'll be right there
Finn: [introducing himself] Mr. Soprano, Finn Detrolio
Tony: Finn, the dentist, right?
Finn: someday, I'm still waiting to hear from dental school
Tony: [jokingly, points to his teeth] remind me to talk to you about this loose filing later
Meadow: [while taking the flowers from her father] hi, these are beautiful
Tony: so, what smells so good in there?
Meadow: mom's recipe for Chicken Cacciatore
Tony: [to Carmela] see? I should've known
Carmela: [to Meadow] you always leave your door open like that?
Meadow: I'm cooking, it's hot
Finn: [puts his arm around Meadow] I'll protect her, don't worry
Tony: [jokingly] you hear that? Anybody bothers her, he'll knock their teeth out, then he can put them back in too
Meadow: [introducing them to her father] these are my roommates: Colin and Alex
Tony: [to Colin] so, you're a roommate too?
Colin: [while shaking Tony's hand] Colin McDermott, I've heard so much about you
Tony: [referring to Colin, to Finn] so, he lives here and you don't?
Finn: I have a place on 118th St.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: A lot of your circle must have done jail time. They can't be strangers to male-male sexual contact.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You get a pass for that.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Well, that's nice.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well, what are you gonan do? There's no women there. You're there five, ten years.
[pauses]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Just for the record, my incarceration was very short term, so I never had any need for any anal... you know.
Meadow: This country's light-years behind the rest of the world. Most civilized countries have legalized prostitution.
Tony: Don't you got somewhere to be?
Meadow: I mean, it's a joke. Look what they're putting the President through.
Carmela: He deserved what he got.
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: He got Monica Lewinsky and the broad with the long nose.
Meadow: I just don't think sex should be a punishable offense.
Tony: You know honey, that's where I agree with you. I don't think sex should be a punishable offense either. But I do think talking about sex at the breakfast table is a punishable offense. So no more sex talk, OK?
Meadow: It's the 90s. Parents are supposed to discuss sex with their children.
Tony: Yeah, but that's where you're wrong. You see out there it's the 1990s but in this house it's 1954.
[points to the window]
Tony: 1990s.
[points to the floor]
Tony: 1954. So now and forever, I don't want to hear any more sex talk, OK?
Feech: the reason I wanted to see you Junior, Tony too, now that I'm out, I'd like to get back in "the game"
Junior: what'd you have in mind?
Feech: you know me, I'm an "entrepreneur", get my shy going, sports book, whatever you say
Tony: long as you don't step on anybody's toes
Feech: me? I'm Fred Astaire
Junior: [to Tony] what's this Feech tells me, you got a bear up there at the house?
Tony: [looks at everybody] what's this now? CNN?
Feech: no, it's just that your wife's up there, ex-wife, whatever: it's just that it's wild animals, their dangerous, people talk
Tony: what "people"? Who?
Bobby: I don't know
Tony: what am I supposed to do? Go up there personally and set fuckin bear traps? We're separated for Christ's sake
Tony: [to Carmela, referring to AJ] I laid it out for him: if he wants to move back here, it's gotta be with your full approval
Carmela: [to AJ] this was your idea?
A.J. Soprano: it was mutual
Tony: His upset because he don't get the kind of cereal he likes
A.J. Soprano: He threw it in the sink, how am I supposed to focus at school with no breakfast? I got dizzy
Carmela: I'm sorry, I don't see why the two of you can't work this out between yourselves
A.J. Soprano: Maybe I don't want to live in a place where people use violence against children?
Tony: Violence? You're lucky I didn't put my shoe up your ass
A.J. Soprano: [to his mother] You, see? That's abuse, I know what my rights are, I can call Social Services and they'll send a case worker
Tony: go ahead, you'll get the other shoe! This is demoralizing
Carmela: [to Tony] Now you see...
Tony: [interrupts her] That a son of mine would even consider calling in the authorities
Tony: [irritated, to AJ] Go ahead, live with your mother
Meadow: [walking past them, jokingly] Family meeting? Try and stay awake AJ
Tony: Keep walking
A.J. Soprano: [to his mother] I just want my old room back
Carmela: You wanted to live with your father: live with your decision
A.J. Soprano: I don't like it there
Carmela: That's funny, I thought I was the problem? I make you miserable, remember?
A.J. Soprano: I never said that
Carmela: You did
Tony: absolutely
Carmela: [after thinking it over] For me to even consider having you back, we're going to establish some non-negotiable ground rules
A.J. Soprano: What kind?
Tony: Let your mother talk
Carmela: First and foremost, school comes first: that means putting the brakes on your social life. Parties, phone calls, Devin, you are at a crisis point grade-wise. So, you will make sure your schoolwork is done on time and correctly
A.J. Soprano: Alright
Carmela: I will not tolerate cursing
A.J. Soprano: after sixteen years of potty mouth from you people, I get slammed?
Carmela: This is my house: you will treat me with respect
A.J. Soprano: Is that it?
Carmela: I want you to involve me in your life a little
A.J. Soprano: [after thinking it over] Fine
Tony: Alright, go get your stuff in the car
Tony: [referring to his mistress] so, how's your "bird", these days?
Christopher: fuck you talking about?
Tony: come on, "clandestine" phone calls, I know you got a new comare
Christopher: what can I say, huh?
Tony: with a pregnant wife at home, your timing is fuckin priceless
Christopher: "playground's closed", man has his needs
Tony: good point. When Carmela had her spec house, I can't tell you how many nights I had to "fend" for myself while she was out looking at bathroom fixtures
Bobby: so, this new one, how come you don't bring her around?
Christopher: honestly, I would but... between us, she's black
Tony: [surprised] whoa
Bobby: [referring to the slang term for African Americans, amused] you're banging a "shine"?
Christopher: she's hot too: classy, not that it wouldn't matter to Paulie, still gotta listen to all his racial bullshit
Tony: yeah, she would feel it too
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [while they lay in bed, after she turns on the light in the middle of the night] What's going on?
Carmela: [referring to the house they intend to buy on the Jersey Shore] It does seem like a good value, even at that price: waterfront property, in that area, we probably wouldn't hurt as an investment?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You're the one who took real estate classes, didn't you say that a person should look at a house as an investment?
Carmela: I know you, if you don't get the place, you'll sulk, and I'll be the wet blanket
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Sulk? I was sleeping
Carmela: If you want me to sign off, we probably wouldn't lose money but if you wanna go through with it, believe me, that's fine too
Carmela: [after she turns off the lights] If you did, Virginia Lupo's phone number is on the bureau, better to act quickly, you know more is lost by indecision rather than wrong decision is all I'm saying
Tony: [Seeing AJ jogging on the road on the side of a small mountain while driving his SUV] Get in, that's good activity, you can already see a difference
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Yeah
Tony: I'm going to get back at it myself
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: I'm going to join the army
Tony: What? Did you sign any shit?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: No, but this week I will I've got to deal with Rhiannon first
Tony: Rhiannon? What about your mother?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Her too
Tony: Are you nuts? You want to get sent to Iraq?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Afghanistan, the army's probably good for my career
Tony: You don't have a career
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Right, my ultimate goal is to qualify for helicopter pilot training afterwards work for Trump or somebody, be their personal pilot
Tony: I'm not even going to tell your mother about this, and don't you do nothing until we've another chance to talk you hear me?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Yes
Tony: This Russian fuck... friggin lucky I didn't get hauled in. I had to run like a bitch from my own leisure time "activities." Carmela would've known who I was on the boat with, ok that's nothing new but my kids?
Hesh: It happens ok?
Tony: The fuck is wrong with me?
Hesh: Some kind of "complex"
Tony: What kind?
Hesh: You know sleep always helps
Tony: You want to go to sleep? Go ahead
Tony: I rang the doorbell six times, nobody answered
Carmela: What're you doing here?
Tony: I want to talk to you
Carmela: [Referring to AJ] if you came to pick him up his not going
Tony: Oh, so you believe all that shit they're saying? Am I that horrible? Really?
Carmela: Where there's smoke, there's fire. I don't know what you did. What's going to happen when your children find out about this? Meadow already suspects you
Tony: Suspects what?
Carmela: She saw you at the club, she thought you were coked out
Tony: What're you talking about? I don't do drugs
Carmela: She already knows about the accident, what'd you think she's going to think? With Anthony at that age?
Tony: Oh, come on with the kids, this is about you
Carmela: Fine, it's all about me, what? Do I mean nothing to you? That I've got to live with this swirling around me?
Tony: Alright forget about what they're saying. I'm asking you, you think I would have sexual relations with her? Adriana who's going to be a member of this family? I want you to answer me truthfully. Look, I know I haven't been a fuckin saint alright? And you got plenty of issues on that subject but you haven't been a fuckin saint yourself
Donna: [in the living room of the Soprano home] A man took his horse to a vet and the vet says to him, "Why do you have a long face?"
Patsy: The horse asks, there's no vet.
Donna: Right, a horse goes to a vet and the vet looks at his face and says to him, "My friend."
Patsy: A horse goes to the doctor, the doctor asks, "Why the long face?" She can't tell jokes
Tony: Speaking of jokers, where's that other son of yours today?
Donna: I didn't think he was invited.
Carmela: I just think with all the wedding talk.
Tony: That pal of his, the other Jason I heard he ran into some trouble, Carlo's Jason.
Donna: He's a mess.
Patsy: Alright.
Tony: Well, he's got no shortage of lawyers here, only this one here would only take the case for free.
[referring to Meadow]
Patrick: That's why we want her there at Groupman, Groupman and Kerseyo, actually Med and I had some conversations and we may still snag her at the firm when she's done with law school.
Carmela: No kidding?
Meadow: We went out to dinner Steven Groupman and the subject came up.
Patrick: Steven was very impressed with her work at the Law Center, even got into starting salaries, he was talking one seventy.
Tony: Jesus, sweetheart that's fantastic.
Meadow: He hadn't had too much to drink.
Patrick: Don't devalue yourself, we've got a really interesting case right now we're defending James Trofolio the County Commissioner and those corruption charges.
Donna: [to Patrick] is that your case?
Patrick: He's got bag men, whores it's fascinating.
Tony: [after kicking him] you drew down on a boss of a fuckin family?
Christopher: You lied to me, you were scoring coke with her, she admitted it
Tony: [shouts] so what? I can't get any relief from stress once in a while I don't got enough fuckin problems?
Christopher: You sent me to North Carolina so you can fuck my girlfriend
Tony: The fuck kind of animal do I think I am? The thought never entered my head!
Christopher: You're a man, you're alone in the car with her
Tony: You fuckin pushed me to this, you pushed me to this!
Paulie: The way I see it Tony, he must've known the gun was empty. Look what he pumped into your car
Christopher: [When trying to stand up to confront Paulie before being subdued by Frankie Cortese and Corky DiGioia] what're you trying to say Paulie? The fuck are you trying to say Paulie?
Tony: [Knees down in front of him, looking directly in his eyes] now you tell me right now: you can take it into your heart that I did not do this shit. Or this is as far we go
Tony: My son, has panic attacks, now obviously we can't send him to military school, pediatrician said, his got that putrid rotten fuckin Soprano gene
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It's a slight tick in his Fight-or-flight response, it doesn't "brand" him as anything
Tony: You know it comes down through the ages because I remember hearing about my great, great, great grandfather, drove a mule cart over a mountain road. He was transporting these valuable jugs of olive oil, and has a panic attack
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: When you blame your genes, your really blaming yourself and that's what we should be talking about
Tony: Fuckin Verbum Dei School, it turns out it happened before but they didn't tell us, idiot nurse she diagnosed it as dehydration from football practice. Can you believe they did not inform the parents? I prefer to resolve things directly but this time I'm going to sue
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Well, that's your right
Tony: [Tearfully sighs]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Anthony?
Tony: [as she moves the tissue box closer to him, before shaking his head] you don't understand
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Make me understand
Tony: We can't send him to that place
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Yes?
Tony: How are we going to save this kid?
Paulie: [during Nucci Gaultieri's funeral] thanks for coming
Carmela: [hugs and kisses him] We are so sorry for your loss
Tony: how you hangin in?
Paulie: As well as it can be expected
Carmela: It must be very hard for you, I know how close you two would become again
Paulie: Not much of a "send-off" here
Carmela: The room is beautiful
Paulie: Nobody's in it, what kind of sentiment is this to the spirit and generosity of the woman?
Carmela: [before kissing him and leaving] We're here for you, you know that
Paulie: It's a fundamental lack of respect and I'm never gonna fuckin forget it neither
Tony: Jesus, people your mother's age, their friends die off
Paulie: She "outlived" Sil? Carlo? their all over there with your nephew
Tony: yeah...
Paulie: [interrupts him] Councilman Cirillo was here three minutes. I clocked him: he told Gerry he was going to the Moltisanti wake
Tony: people are coming and if they don't... fuck them
Paulie: I got five hundred prayer cards
Tony: so, Carm and I are here, what the fuck is that? Nothing?
Paulie: [shakes his head] No of course not, it means the world
Tony: Ok
Paulie: [points to Nucci Gaultieri's body] She suffered too, you know?
Tony: Well, this is neither the time or place
Paulie: Your right
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: [Anthony Jr. tries to convince his father that Christopher Columbus was a slave trader] It's in my history book.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So, you finally read a book, and it's bullshit.
Ralph: [Before handing him an envelope with money as a gift to his daughter] there he is. John I'm sorry I missed Allegra's nursing school graduation: unforgivable. But I made it up to her
Johnny: [Smiles, before slapping the envelop out of his hand as a way of not accepting his gift and walking away] stick it in your ass
Tony: [Jokingly, suggesting Johnny has a resemblance to the cartoon monster from the breakfast cereal] hey, Count Chocula
Ralph: What the fuck john?
Johnny: [to Tony, referring to Ralphie] keep him away from me
Tony: John, what's going on?
Johnny: [Before walking away] I don't want to talk about it
Tony: [Referring to John's demeanor] what's this?
Ralph: I have no fuckin idea. But I've got better shit to do
Silvio: You saw how it was with them the other night. Something's going on
Tony: Also how is Carmine up my ass about this Freeland Heisen Avenue bullshit? Somebody's talking too much and it's costing me money
Tony: fifty grand? You gotta be kidding me?
Carmela: [referring to her and Dean Ross] we talked a lot about Meadow having the best possible university experience
Tony: yeah, those Jew pricks are holding us hostage
Carmela: his Italian
Tony: Jews are better fooled
Carmela: they know from Verbum, we're big "givers"
Tony: we gave five grand a year, that's a long way from fifty
Carmela: this is college: New York City, five thousand is like slap in face to these people
Tony: well, then let them say no
Tony: [after taking money out from his pocket and tosses it to her] here's around five grand, pay them through your household account, so you can write them a check and that's it: not a penny more
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What fucking kind of human being am I, if my own mother wants me dead?
Principal: Verbum Dei has a strict zero tolerance policy in cases of vandalism. It's a policy that demands the immediate expulsion of the offending student
Tony: [to the principal then to AJ] I told him, you see?
Principal: Having said that in this case after much deliberation and assessment, we have decided on a "suspended sentence." This consideration has only been arrived at upon Anthony's academic performance and his involvement in extracurricular sport
Carmela: His academic performance?
Principal: His brought his GPA up to a C...
Tony: So, what is the punishment?
Principal: We suggest and hope that Anthony's punishment be meaded out parentally
Carmela: So, it's not exactly "zero tolerance?"
Father: Each child is special: that's the guiding principal of this school too
Tony: What about detention?
Principal: A lawsuit a few years back forced us to eliminate our detention program
Tony: Well, his off the football team right?
Father: No
Principal: Studies done at Harvard and elsewhere have shown that boys have greater success in avoiding the pitfalls of adolescent when committed to and involved in sport
Tony: [to AJ] You better wipe that smile off your face
Tony: Look, I told him his going to be off the team. Now aren't you kind of...
Carmela: [Interrupts him] undermining...
Father: [Interrupts her] It's not only skill that Anthony has shown on the field, it's also leadership qualities as well. We feel that it'll be against his best interests and the team's to sever his relationship with the squad
Tony: Well, if you think that's best
Principal: However, and I can't this strong enough, if there is one more infraction of our code, the sentence will be immediately go into effect and Anthony will be expelled
Principal: [Leans forward] do you understand this Anthony?
A.J. Soprano: Yes
Tony: I'm trying to keep a low profile, what's the fuckin point? I'm still a miserable prick and I'm still passing out
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Remains silent]
Tony: Well, you seem very mellow today?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Let's talk about you
Tony: [Eventually referring to the suicide of the actor George Sanders] You seem like you're on drugs and I'm boring myself to death and I'm ready for the "George Sanders long walk here"
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you know why a shark keeps moving?
Tony: [while rubbing his head] they gotta keep moving or they'll die or something
Tony: Look, Tony's in hiding, John.
John: You either deliver that prick to my door, or I will rain a shitstorm down on you and your family like you have NEVER fucking seen.
[pause]
John: We're done here.
Little: So, the reason I'm here you could probably guess.
Tony: What happened at Coco's restaurant.
Little: This alteration you had with him. You're at the precipice, Tony, of an enormous crossroad.
Carmela: [Participating in Tony's therapy session for the first time] how are you feeling, from your accident?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Fine, thank you
Carmela: Honestly, if you told me five years ago I'd be sitting here today
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Anthony's attacks, how do they make you feel?
Carmela: Concerned of course, helpless, a little frustrated
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Maybe with your inability to help him?
Carmela: To tell you the truth I was referring to your inability to help him
Tony: She has helped me, what're you talking about?
Carmela: You've been coming here for three years Tony and you still pass out on a regular basis
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [to Carmela] I understand your frustration. Did Anthony share with you any insights about his last panic attack?
Tony: I told you remember? The gabagool and my mother when I was a little kid
Carmela: Right, yes
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you think that there's anything in the present family "dynamic" that could serve as a trigger? Something in your dialog perhaps?
Carmela: Excuse me?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I don't really know you that well, we're trying to get to root causes
Tony: Like maybe you do things that may have some affect on me?
Carmela: Oh, really?
Tony: What? People affect each other in life
Carmela: [to Dr. Melfi] oh I get it, is this how it works? You can't get any answers so you start looking for someone else to point the finger at?
Tony: She's not saying anything, why are you getting so defensive?
Carmela: You know what Tony? Maybe you should "explore" your own behavior, maybe you pass out because you're guilty over something. Maybe because of the fact that you stick your dick into anything with a pulse, you ever "explore" that as a root cause?
Tony: [Sarcastically] very nice, that's very nice
Carmela: Uh-huh
Tony: [to Carmela] I told you months ago I broke it off with that Russian person
Tony: [to Dr. Melfi] right?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Remains silent]
Carmela: It's incredible, it's like people who smoke their entire lives then they sue the cigarette companies when they get cancer
Tony: [Faces away from her] you know, you agreed to come here, oh forget it, this is fuckin ridiculous
Carmela: Right, just sit there, silence, anger, then you pass out and then you blame the rest of the world
Tony: [Sarcastically] yeah I love you too
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You're both very angry.
[playing Monopoly]
Janice: [reading card aloud] "Second prize in a beauty contest collect $10." Go ahead, make your stupid joke.
Tony: I got nothing to say.
Bobby: Think I'll buy a railroad.
Tony: A German shepherd's shaved asshole won first prize.
Bobby: Oh! You're talkin' about my wife.
Tony: You married her.
Bobby: It's my home. No more talkin' like that.
Janice: It's OK, Bobby.
Bobby: Stay outta this! You Sopranos. You go too far.
Tony: Alright, you know, Jan, he's right. I'm sorry. I crossed the line. I apologize. Won't happen again.
Tony: [quietly begins singing "Under the Boardwalk"] Under the Boardwalk. With a schlong in Jan's mouth. Under the...
[Bobby punches Tony in the face. The two have a fistfight]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [while they lie in bed] Hey, why you don't you try and get some sleep?
Carmela: why?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Why? Because tomorrow's gonna be another rough day, that's why
Carmela: I don't think I'm gonna sleep tonight, is this light gonna bother you?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No, leave it on
Carmela: I love you, I don't anybody getting hurt: not me, not the kids, not you
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I can't do another one of these "tearful things" until five o'clock in the morning, I just can't... not tonight
Carmela: Did you hear about Ralphie Rotaldo?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What about him?
Carmela: The Brazilian he keeps "on the side?"
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah?
Carmela: She had a baby
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [becoming irritated] And Christopher's in the hospital, this is on your mind now?
Carmela: [referring to the designer perfume] Maybe it has something to do with the CK-1 stinking up your shirt last Wednesday?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [referring to his affair with his mistress, annoyed] Oh, it's over, months ago
Carmela: [not believing him] Yeah, right
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: "Yeah, right what?" I told you I cut it off
Carmela: [sternly] Listen, if you keep "doing" what you "do", then I want you to at the very least get a Vasectomy
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [surprised] You want me to get what?
Carmela: Let's get "real", do you have any idea what a bastard child would do to this family? You ever think of the shame your children would feel? You're putting all of us at "risk"
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [referring to Irina] Hey, I had her tested for AIDS, what'd you think I am?
Tony: My wife thinks I need to meet new people.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So?
Tony: C'mon, you're Italian, you understand. Guys like me we're brought up to think that Merigan are fuckin' bores. The truth is the average white man is no more boring than the millionth conversation over who should have won, Marciano or Ali.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So am I to understand that you don't consider yourself white?
Tony: I don't mean white like Caucasian. I mean a white man like our friend Cusamano. Now he's Italian, but he's Merigan. It's what my old man would have called a Wonder Bread wop. He eats his Sunday gravy out of a jar.
Tony: [referring to Hugh's accident] How's your father?
Carmela: much better: He'll be fine for the party, thank God
Tony: That's good, what party?
Carmela: Seventy fifth birthday, the surprise party we talked about last summer?
Tony: Oh, yeah, that's coming up?
Carmela: Yeah, next Saturday but actually, that's why I wanted to come by, I think it maybe it would be best... easier anyway for both of us if I went at it alone and not have you there?
Tony: Oh, yeah
Carmela: You know my father would love to have you there, you know? His crazy about your sausages and all the rest of it but I thought that's why it would put "us" and people in a "uncomfortable" situation?
Tony: I decided when I woke up that I wasn't coming
Carmela: Really? I'm so glad you understand: it was hard for me to come to this decision let alone tell you
Tony: [while taking money out] I'd like to contribute anyway
Carmela: No, mom and I are taking care of it
Tony: For Hugh's seventy fifth? I insist
Carmela: You know, I'd rather see you go back to your therapist
Tony: [angrily] I'd like to see you go see a therapist and I'm not the only one
Carmela: Oh, really? Well, you can tell them all that I can't afford it
Tony: Well, it's really not your "business" anymore whether I go or what
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You never went through it?
Tony: You think my mother and father will stand for that shit?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: How is your mother?
Tony: She's dead to me
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: And how's Anthony Jr. been taking it?
Tony: What? About the family?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: About his non-relationship with his grandmother, how is he suppose to understand that? And in general the whole strain of the current atmosphere in your household? But that don't give him the right to mouth off
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It sounds to me like Anthony Jr. may have stumbled onto existentialism.
Tony: Fuckin Internet.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: No, no, no it's a European philosophy after World War two people were disillusioned by the sheer weight of the horrors and that's when the whole idea took route that there were no "absolute truths"
Tony: You believe that?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: In your family? Even motherhood is up for debate
Tony: No its not I teach him to love, respect and appreciate his mother
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: But what about your mother? Anthony I think it's important to talk about your mother and what she tried to do to you
Tony: Don't need to, she showed her "true colors", that's all
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Has Anthony Jr. heard you say "she's dead to me"?
Tony: I don't know
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Well, don't you think that kind of talk can lead a kid to embrace these ideas?
Tony: Oh, so now this is my fault?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: No, when some people first realize that their solely responsible for their decisions, actions and beliefs and that death lies at the end of every road they can be overcome with "intense dread"
Tony: "Intense dread"?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: A dull aching anger that leads them to conclude that the only "absolute truth" is death
Tony: I think the kid's onto something
Corrado: I always thought you could make the pros. You could have done it. You had a swing like Joe D.
Tony: You're crazy.
Corrado: What? You think I'm fucking you?
Tony: Yeah, I could barely hit .250.
Corrado: That's because you didn't want it. Too busy chasing skirt. Chasing skirt, your average was .500.
Corrado: [Meeting privately in Junior's doctor's office] that coke provides a nice income stream you have any ideas the bills I got?
Tony: Just keep it away from the garbage routes
Corrado: The lawyers, the doctors, the double sawbuck for a plastic pillow just so I can sit comfortably
Tony: Why don't you just sit on that nice pile of cash you got?
Corrado: My finances are nobody's God damn business
Tony: [Referring to Richie] The garbage is my business and I don't want you and that shit bird fuckin it up
Corrado: [Amused] Your business?
Tony: Yeah, why don't you get it through that bald dome of yours?
Corrado: Why does everything have to be so difficult? You know back in the fifties we worked together. Even rival families settled their differences amicably
Tony: [Sarcastically] oh yeah, I remember that picture of Albert Anastasia lying there all "amicable" on the barber shop floor
Corrado: There were exceptions: I'm just saying
Tony: Did you ever know anybody that ever committed suicide?
Janice: Uhmm, plenty. I used to live in Seattle, Tony.
Tony: [angered, meeting inside a mall] I thought I told you to back the fuck off Beansie!
Richie: I did, then I put it in drive.
Tony: Oh, you think this is funny? That guy may never walk again, did you know that? And for what? 'Cause he didn't duke you enough? 'Cause he didn't visit you in the can? When was the last time you visited anybody in the can Richie? When was the last time you gave a fuck about anybody but Richie Aprile?
Tony: Well, you remember one thing, this you'd better hear! You want a talk of this old school bullshit about the rules? Well, here's a rule you might remember. I'm the motherfuckin' fuckin' one who calls the shots! And you better pay me the respect that I gave your brother. Or we're gonna have a problem... a bad one.
Tony: Now get the fuck out of here!
Richie: Alright Tone.
Tony: Yeah! Alright!
Janice: You want to swap family stories Tone? How about the time when Mom and Dad were coming back from the Copa?
Tony: That's enough Janice!
Janice: [laughing] Mom's hair!
Tony: That didn't even happen! And anyway, it's not for public concern!
Carmela: What? Oh my God! What?
Janice: They were driving back from Manhattan, with Uncle June and his goomar. Oh! What was her name?
Tony: Your ass!
Janice: That's how we heard the story through her...
[remembering]
Janice: Rosemary. My father's driving, and she's ragging on his ass. You know how she gets. He's been drinking, I guess. And he takes out his gun!
Carmela: Oh my God!
Janice: BOOM!
Bobby: Holy shit!
[Tony looks embarrassed]
Janice: Fuckin' blew right through her beehive hairdo!
[Carmela, Janice and Bobby burst out laughing]
Carmela: [laughing] I can't believe you never told me that story!
Janice: Yeah! What's the big deal!
Tony: 'Cause it makes us look like a fuckin' dysfunctional family!
[cursing]
Tony: Jesus Christ!
Janice: My turn!
Tony: [to Carmela] And don't you ever tell the kids that about their grandfather!
Carmela: Of course not!
Carmela: Jackie Junior took her into the city to see, "Aida".
Tony: I ate her?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Let's get back to Pie-O-My, it's sad that you lost something you loved. That being said, it is a horse.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What the fuck's the matter with you?
Tony: Is everyone in my life fuckin' bananas?
Tony: [to Benny] You don't shit where you eat. And you especially don't shit where *I* eat.
Tony: [Referring to her blouse] is that new? Looks good
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Did you bring your log?
Tony: My log?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You remember last week, you were going to keep a record. I asked you to write any feelings of anxiety or memories of past anxiety attacks
Tony: [Remembering what they discussed at their previous session] yeah, my parents, the pork store, it was interesting
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Have you thought at all about that?
Tony: How do people find the time?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: To get well
Tony: My mother's dead, I haven't had a panic attack since
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You've gone months without them before, the conflicts that caused them and your depression are buried deep inside you. Are you happy?
Tony: Am I happy? Look, I'm sorry I didn't bring the list. I'll bring it next week
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [sighs] we ought to think about bringing your wife into this
Tony: In here? Carmela?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You're the one who wanted to take a more proactive approach
Tony: [Disagreeing with her suggestion] that's not in the future
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Let's talk frankly. You've demanded more of me. Fine but you're not trying
Tony: Yeah I know, the past, but shit happens in my daily life that needs attention now. I got some genuine concerns, like my son, he shies away from anything that requires effort and I think that he picks that up from me. I mean his in football now right? But Carmela is guilty about this as I am.
Tony: [Meeting to discuss which garbage routes belong to whom] so that's it: Albert splits Nutley with Delesio Brothers and Barone here keeps everything north of Patterson, what else do we have to talk about?
Dick: Fairfield Township is taking bids next week
Richie: What's there to talk about? Fairfield's mine
Tony: Was yours. I don't give bids to the "handicapped", your fuckin deaf because I told you ten times then I find out your still dealing blow on those garbage routes
Richie: [Confused] For that I'm losing a fuckin bid?
Tony: Next time you'll find yourself in the back of one of your trucks
Jackie Aprile Jr.: Those are my father's garbage routes
Albert: Actually fellas, my cousin Larry wants the Fairfield contract, since he was family and what not, while his in jail awaiting trial
Tony: See? This is why we have a fixed bid club because everybody has a story on why they should move to the front of the line
Richie: I've been in line for ten fuckin years
Jackie Aprile Jr.: My uncle is just asking for what my father would've given him if he was boss when Richie was getting out of prison and it had nothing to do with that they were brothers: you respecting my father you should respect Richie
Tony: Those who want respect, give respect
Richie: [to Jackie Jr] See? He just told you to shut the fuck up and he told me to go fuck myself
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [during their first therapy session before recalling the events and people in his life that led to his medical condition] my understanding from Dr. Cusamano, your family physician is that collapsed, possibly a panic attack? You were unable to breathe?
Tony: [correcting her] "they" said it was a panic attack because all of the blood work and all the neurological work came back negative. "They" sent me here
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: you don't agree that you had a panic attack?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [after he exhales] how are you feeling now?
Tony: good, fine, back at work
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: what line of work are you in?
Tony: [nods] waste management consultant
Tony: [when she doesn't respond] look, it's impossible for me to talk to a psychiatrist
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: any thoughts at all on why you "blacked out"?
Tony: I don't know, stress, maybe?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: about what?
Tony: I don't know, the morning of the day I got sick, I've been thinking it's good getting to be in something from the "ground floor" I came too late for that, I know but lately, I'm getting the feeling that I came in at the end: the best is over
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: many Americans I think feel that way
Tony: I think about my father, he never reached the heights like me but in a lot of ways, he had it better. He had his "people" they had their "standards", they had pride. Today, what'd do we got?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: did you have these feelings of loss more acutely in the hours before you collapsed?
Tony: I don't know, couple months before all this, I see these two wild ducks land on my pool: it was amazing, they're from Canada or some place, maybe it's matting season? They had some ducklings. My daughter's friend was there to drive my daughter Meadow to school. Now, my wife feels this friend is a bad influence. This isn't going to work, I can't talk about my personal life
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: finish telling me about the day you collapsed
Tony: I drove to work with my nephew Christopher, his learning the business: he's an example of what I was talking about before. Bear in mind, this is kid who just himself a sixty-thousand-dollar Lexus. We saw this guy, and there was this issue of an outstanding loan
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: can I stop you for a second? I don't know where this story is going but there are a few ethical ground rules we should quickly get out of the way
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [after he nods] what you tell me here falls under "doctor-patient confidentiality", except I was to hear let's say a murder was to take place, not that I'm saying it would but "if." If the patient comes to me and tells me a story where someone is going to get hurt, I'm supposed to go to the authorities... technically
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [when he doesn't respond] you said you were in "Waste Management"
Tony: [nods] the environment
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Dr. Cusamano, besides being your family physician, is also your next-door neighbor, see what I'm saying? I don't know what happened with this fella... I'm just saying
Tony: [shakes his head] nothing we had coffee
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [amused] so, you had coffee, go on
Tony: next day, at a breakfast meeting, I was called in by a garbage hauling company I represent, this situation came up that involves my uncle, I can't go into details on this one
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: that's fine
Tony: but I will say this: my uncles to my general stress level. Uncle Junior's my father's brother, good guy, just... getting old, cranky, he used to take me to Yankee games when I was a kid, I love my uncle. At the same time, when I was young, he told my girl cousins I would never be a varsity athlete and frankly, that was a tremendous blow to my self-esteem. And that night was my son's birthday party, my wife invites the priest: his always at the house
Tony: [referring to when he collapsed and lost consciousness] at first, it felt like Ginger Ale on my skull, Dr. Cusamano put me in the hospital: gave me every kind of test
Tony: my nephew was handling the garbage contract problem, but on this I will also not go into detail. Doctors kept "hanging" me about the tests, as doctors will do, so my uncle and I played a round of golf and had lunch
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: you keep mentioning your uncle, what seems to be the problem? Can we focus more on your immediate family?
Tony: my wife and my daughter were not getting along but this shit I'm telling you, it'll all "blow over"
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: didn't you admit to Dr. Cusamano that you were feeling depressed?
Tony: [after noticing diploma on the wall, changing the subject] "Melfi", what part of the boot you from, hon?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [referring to how she prefers to be addressed] "Dr." Melfi, my father's people were from Caserta
Tony: [referring to where his relatives are from] Avellino. My mother would have loved it if you and I got together
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [returning to the subject] anxiety attacks are legitimate psychiatric emergencies, suppose you were driving and you passed out...
Tony: [irritated, interrupts her] let me tell ya something. Nowadays, everybody's gotta go to shrinks, and counselors, and go on "Sally Jessy Raphael" and talk about their problems. What ever happened to Gary Cooper? The strong, silent type. That was an American. He wasn't in touch with his feelings. He just did what he had to do. See, what they didn't know was once they got Gary Cooper in touch with his feelings that they wouldn't be able to shut him up! And then it's dysfunction this, and dysfunction that, and dysfunction vaffancul!
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [becoming nervous] you have strong feelings about this
Tony: let me tell ya something, I have a semester and a half of college so I understand Freud, I understand "therapy" as a "concept" but in my world, it does not go down, could I be happier? Yeah, who couldn't?
Tony: [Repeated line to Meadow, scolding her after she threw a party that resulted in a partygoer getting arrested for dealing drugs, another partygoer being hospitalized for overdosing on drugs, and the house ended up being littered with trash, vomit, and urine] In your grandmother's house.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [about Jackie's condition] From what you're telling me it doesn't sound very good.
Tony: From what I'm telling you? Well, what the fuck do I know? I'm not a doctor.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You're angry. Who with?
Tony: Let me tell you something. This man has had chemo every day for three fuckin' weeks and he still has every last hair on his head. Every last hair on his head and he's got a beautiful head of hair. So don't tell me about how it sounds because you don't know him and you don't know me and you don't know what the fuck you're talkin' about!
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What's happening is we're getting closer to your confronting your true feelings about what's really going on here.
Tony: Wait a minute, wait a minute. I just told you my true feelings. So why don't you tell me what's really goin' on.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: The tree in the painting rotted out, you said. There's nothing in that picture to indicate that.
Tony: The fucking painting. I knew that painting was a scam. I knew that painting was a fuckin' scam!
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You remember your dream? The ducks? It took on another meaning. What happens to a tree that's rotted out?
Tony: Trees, ducks. What the fuck are you, Ranger Rick? I'll tell you, some job you shrinks got! You think everybody is lying to you while you're pulling scams on them! Fuck you!
[walks out]
Carmela: [Referring to Meadow's punishment, while lying in bed] There has to be consequences. What kind of parents would we be if we let her get away with this?
Tony: Typical?
Carmela: Plenty of parents still "crack the whip"
Tony: Yeah, that's what they tell you
Carmela: I cannot wait until she goes off the college
Tony: Then you can be fucked up with the "empty nest" syndrome and go on Wellbutrin like your sister?
Carmela: As a parent today, you are "over a barrel" no matter what you do: you take away the car, you become her chauffeur. You ground her, you gotta stay home weekends and be prison guards
Tony: And if you throw her out, the Social Services will bring her back, and we'd be in front of the judge: she's not eighteen yet
Carmela: That's your solution? To throw your daughter out?
Tony: All I'm saying is with the laws today, you can't even restrain your kid physically because she can sue you for child abuse
Carmela: There has to be consequences
Tony: And there will be, I hear you ok? Let's not "overplay" our "hand" because if she finds out we're powerless, we're fucked
Tony: You're a Smurf for 10 to 15 years, then you die, shitting in your pajamas.
Tony: When you were sick in the hospital, we talked. We shared a, uh... an understanding about life.
Phil: This is business, Anthony.
Tony: Yeah, I know. But I'm talkin' to you here on a human level. There's a limit, Phil. C'mon. A point where business bleeds into other shit. Feelings make things financially unfeasible.
Phil: [chuckles] Charles Schwab, over here.
Tony: So that's it. No leeway, no compromise, just stupid fuckin' jokes.
Phil: You want compromise, how's this? Twenty years in the can I wanted manicott', but I compromised. I ate grilled cheese off the radiator instead. I wanted to fuck a woman, but I compromised. I jacked off into a tissue. You see where I'm goin'?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: That Departures magazine out there. Did you give any thought at all to someone else who might wanna read before you tore out the entire page?
Tony: What?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It's not the first time you've defaced my reading materials.
Tony: You saw that, huh? People tear shit outta your magazines all the time, they're a mess. I try to read 'em.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I don't think I can help you.
Tony: Well, change 'em. Bring in some new shit.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I mean therapeutically.
Tony: What are you talkin' about? I've only missed three appointments since we had that heart-to-heart.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: The new big thing these days is called psychodynamic therapy combined with Anafranil.
Tony: Who?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: A medication. There's a doctor in Bloomfield you could see.
Tony: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, OK? Now what the fuck is this? You're, uh, firin' me 'cause I defaced your Departures magazine.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I'm giving you my considered medical opinion.
Tony: OK, I should've asked you for the steak recipe. And missin' sessions, unfortunately, is part of my condition.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What do you know about your condition? You miss appointments because you don't give a shit. About commitments, about what I do, about the body of work that's gone into building up this science!... Go ahead, tell me again I sound like your wife.
Tony: Well, if the shoe fits.
[Dr. Melfi stands up]
Tony: We're making progress! It's been seven years!
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you want some names?
Tony: [stands up] OK, listen, I'm gonna tell you somethin' and you're not gonna like it. But we can say anything in here, right?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Go ahead!
Tony: I'm chalkin' this all up to female menopausal situations.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You're not my gynecologist.
Tony: Well, you don't need a gynecologist to know which way the wind blows.
[Dr. Melfi opens the door]
Tony: So, wait a minute. You tellin' me after all this time, after everything we've shared in here, you're cuttin' me loose just as my son got outta the hospital for tryin' to kill himself?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Since you are in crisis, I don't wanna waste your time.
Tony: You know, I gotta be fuckin' honest. As a doctor, I think what you're doin' is immoral.
[Tony walks out to the waiting room. He exaggeratedly places the page back in the magazine, looks at Dr. Melfi angrily and leaves. She closes the door]
Hesh: [while entering his office in the Bada Bing strip club Tony's lawyer Neil] hey Tony
Tony: Hey counselor, how are you?
Neil: You look good huh?
Tony: You want a drink?
Neil: [Referring to Tony including them in on his pump and dump stock market scheme] no, before we commence a thousand thank you's for Webistics
Tony: My pleasure
Tony: So what'd we stand this month?
Neil: Your uncle's petitioning to get out of jail on a medical pending trial
Hesh: Neil thinks they'll liable to let him out
Tony: Let him
Neil: Maybe as a temptation for you to act, again since you are at the helm it all gets back to putting up bigger blinds really limiting your exposure to potential RICO allegations
Tony: Only way to run a family these days is "bunker style..."
Tony: [after his cell phone rings and answers it] excuse me, yeah?
Carmela: [Over the phone] you're not going to believe this, your sister's here
Tony: Barbara?
Carmela: No, Janice.
Tony: You're shitting me
Carmela: Nope
Tony: Yeah I wonder what the scam is this time. Whatever it is I'm going to be five grand lighter when she rain dances back to the commune. Alright tell her she can stay with us if she wants
Carmela: Are you sure?
Tony: Yeah we'll get Barbara and Tom down from Brewster and make a family reunion out of it but obviously...
Carmela: Your mother's not welcome
Tony: [Before hanging up with Carmella] give Janice my love, see you later
Tony: [to Neil and Hesh] My sisters here from Seattle
Christopher: You ever think what a coincidence it is that Lou Gehrig died of Lou Gehrig's disease?
[everyone laughs]
Tony: You're gonna make that same stupid joke every time that comes up?
Carmine: One other thing though. John told me he went to a cookout at your house.
Tony: Yeah.
Carmine: A don doesn't wears shorts.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [while visiting her in the hospital after she tried to commit suicide] Jesus Christ
Irina: I don't care what happens anymore
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Don't say that shit: you got your whole life ahead of you
Irina: What kind of life is there without you? To go back home? To be a dancer? Be prostitute after that? I don't want to
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [as she hugs him] Everything's gonna be alright, ok?
Stokley: [when asked by Tony to convince and confirm that Tony and Adriana weren't having oral sex at the time of their car accident] to whether somebody was getting "something" in the car, how could I possibly attest to that?
Tony: as the attendee, you can explain how medically, it's not possible.
Stokley: excuse me?
Tony: for instance, if she was wearing a seat belt, there would have been abrasions to the lateral anterior aspect of the right clavicle wouldn't there? Or the right mid-sternum
Stokley: are you a physician?
Tony: no, I'm a pre-board certified massage therapist
Tony: [confused, annoyed] so did she have any kind of those things?
Stokley: Actually yes, on the right clavicle and the sternum just above the Xiphoid process, which would indicate an upright position at the moment of impact
Tony: [to Christopher, referring to Adrianna] so what his saying she was sitting up
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [repeated line when accused of favoritism] I'm not running a popularity contest.
Meadow: So, I've been thinking about getting a car
Tony: I knew I was going to get hit up for something on this trip
Meadow: What? You can spend thousands on sapphires but a hard working student has to take the bus everywhere?
Tony: You live a block away the school, what'd you need a car for?
Meadow: It'd be nice to hop in a car to have dinner with you guys once in a while
Carmela: They steal cars left and right in New York: parking is impossible besides the bus gets you here in forty-five minutes
Meadow: I'm not asking for anything fancy, just something to get me around
Tony: You could've had a car last year but you chose not to take it
Meadow: Eric's car. Is that a sick joke? It may interest you to know his father is now in a mental health facility in Nevada
Carmela: Why don't you wait and see how this semester goes? You were just complaining on how there's so much work you had to do. Don't you think you should concentrate on that?
Meadow: I am concentrating, what the hell do you think I am? Jesus Christ you sound like a broken record
Tony: Hey!
Carmela: Keep it down a notch. We just want to make sure your taking advantage all the city has to offer you. Culturally, socially, and educationally
Tony: [after breaking up a fight between Artie and Christopher, referring to Adriana] What the fuck is wrong with you? She's his fuckin fiancée
Artie: I loved her, I fuckin love her now
Tony: [surprised, laughs and pats Artie on his cheeks] Do me a favor: don't ever fuckin say that again to anybody... ever
Artie: oh, what am I? A joke?
Tony: [pats him on his head] Yeah, a stupid fuckin bald one, not to mention married?
Artie: Can I tell you something? She's a cunt... my fuckin wife. A girl like Ade, that's a woman. I still have my hair
Tony: She's a young girl, you're gonna be like Casey Kasem to her: it won't make a difference
Tony: [after kissing his head] Alright look, go in the back, get some coffee, go home and go the fuck to sleep
Artie: [while trying to walk away] I should go and apologize to Christopher
Tony: [holds him back] not right now: Let me talk to Chris... you go home
[Tony after informing Carmella he's on Prozac warns her to keep it secret]
Tony: I'm serious. The wrong person finds out about this and I get a steel-jacketed anti-depressant right in the back of the head!
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Are you still taking the lithium?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Lithium, Prozac. When's it gonna end?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: We're trying to give a jolt to your system. Give it... a little kick-start.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Why not kick me in the head?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What you're going through is very painful, I know that.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You get stabbed in the ribs, that's painful. This shit, I don't feel nothing. Nothing. Dead. Empty.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Take me to my uncle's doctor
Christopher: Furio called me, his going to the fuckin track today?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So, what about it?
Christopher: I don't know, I'm driving you again all of a sudden
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So what? I gotta explain why I want you with me this week?
Christopher: [sarcastically] God, forbid you explain
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: That's right and now you're gonna get fresh about it
Christopher: I'm just saying... I mean I'm glad to do it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [sarcastically] I'm glad your glad. You know, your father was like a mentor me
Christopher: Right
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [referring to Christopher's father was reliable and honorable] Stand up? You ask anybody, your old man was a legend. He single-handedly hunted down that New England crew, brought the war home to them up there
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Talking privately in Tony's basement] what's wrong? What's the matter?
Christopher: [Genuinely reminding him] you know I've always been loyal to you?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What'd are trying to tell me?
Christopher: [Shamefully crying] I can't even say it... Adriana
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What about her?
Christopher: The Feds
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Jesus fucking Christ, how fucking long?
Christopher: A year, I don't know exactly
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: When'd you find out?
Christopher: She just told me last night
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What they know? What'd she give them?
Christopher: I don't know, I think a lot
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Tony rips his shirt open to check for a wire] how could you even think that?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Forcefully grabbing him] where is she? Where the fuck is she?
Christopher: [Nervously] She's home
Christopher: [Sensing Tony wants him to kill Adriana and pleading] I can't, Tony, please don't make me do it
Christopher: [Crying and hugging him] I can't do it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Looking directly in his eyes] I'll take care of it, go upstairs and go out the back door. Don't talk to Carmela, go somewhere and get some coffee, you wait until I call you, it'll be OK, I'll take care of it, now go
Paulie: [while watching the FBI excavate the basement of the location where Tony carried out his first hit] Danny says he hears its Larry Barese's been talking. A lot of work for a dead fuckin bookie. You made "your bones" with that kid huh?
Tony: Yeah
Paulie: Old Zeepa Pean's house: you were shaky a little but you did good. I remember telling you your old man. Twenty-five years T, its possible there's nothing left
Tony: There'd be bones, teeth
Paulie: What're we going to do?
Tony: [Implying they're going to leave town until the attention and heat passes] we're going to pack our toothbrushes
Silvio: [talking in Tony's basement, referring to Big Pussy Bonpensiero possibly wearing a wire underneath the Santa outfit] Ever since we found that suit, I've been dreaming about that fat rat bastard
Tony: What about it?
Silvio: You did the right thing
Tony: You're starting to worry me, you got a problem?
Silvio: 95, I can't believe I didn't see it. You think it went down in Boca though? I mean he was bringing in shit through there?
Tony: No, it wasn't Boca, they didn't "flip" him in Boca. He was down there for twenty fours, to set up the sit down with my uncle and I know for a fact he was with my uncle the whole time
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Richie] Those who want respect, give respect.
A.J. Soprano: [after his father walks into his room with a large pizza and a six pack of soda] I'm not hungry
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You mind if I sit here while I eat?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Realizes his father wants to have a talk with him, takes off his head set and puts away his comic book] I'm sorry for talking to you the way I did
A.J. Soprano: It's ok
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No, it's not. I was wrong and I hope you know I didn't mean it. I said it because all the anger and frustration over the last few days built up inside of me and exploded. There's no excuse for that. I've got to learn to control my emotions around the people I love. I think your the same way you know? I think if you keep your feelings keep inside, you react without thinking. That's why I get mad at you. I see myself in you. I couldn't ask for a better son AJ and I mean that.
Tony: [Meeting privately] There he is. The King of New York!
Tony: Congratulations.
Johnny: Thanks Tony.
Tony: You deserve it.
Johnny: This is the last time we'll meet like this; It's undignified.
Tony: Ok.
Johnny: So, what's the word on your cousin?
Tony: I think I know where he's holed up.
Johnny: And?
Tony: I know this has to be done, but I'm asking you now as a friend, let me handle this myself.
Johnny: I can't do that.
Tony: You can whatever the fuck you want; you're the fuckin' boss.
Johnny: I chose not to then.
Tony: I want your promise that it'll be quick.
Johnny: I'm not going to lie to you. I don't have to. Phil's going to do it. And he'll do it his way.
Tony: This is me now, come on.
Johnny: Anything else?
Tony: No.
Tony: You know what? I'll give you "undignified." Go fuck yourself, you, Phil, and whoever. He's my fuckin' cousin.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Introducing Paulie to Brian at Paulie's welcome back from prison party at the Bada Bing strip club] say hello to Brian Cammarata, Carm's cousin, the financial guy
Paulie: How you doing kid?
Brian: [Jokingly] so, just back from "college" huh?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Let me talk to Paulie for a sec ok?
Brian: Nice meeting you
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So, how you doing? You ok?
Paulie: Just thank God that piece of shit from Youngstown "copped" to that gun. I could've been wearing an orange jumpsuit until I'm ninety
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Handing him an envelope full of money] well, your back home now. That's the important thing. Here, to get back on your feet
Paulie: Thanks T, not that I don't appreciate it but I could've used a boost while I was gone too. Fuckin bills. Then there's ma with the private home care. You know she almost lost her spot at Green Grove? An extra 5g's to hold her place
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Paulie, you've been back thirty seconds and you already got a fist full of cash, and not to mention the no-show jobs I got for you
Paulie: Your right Tone. I know
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Enjoy the party
Paulie: I will
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Carlo was furious: these guys waited by the Hackensack River all fuckin night
Johnny: Fuckin Vespas never got in my hands
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: This is Port Newark, where the fuck was your longshoremen?
Johnny: Tightened security at the ports: Al-Qaeda
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after Johnny gets into his Maserati] Carlo was told it was a go. If it didn't happen, how come nobody called?
Johnny: [before driving off] Lot of things didn't happen that seemed like it they happened. Your cousin didn't whack Joey: the Vespas never got in my hands
Salvatore: [after Tony discovers the affront Coco made to Meadow he walks towards him who is talking to a waiter, with a gun] Some peppers and cheese, gorgonzola. Alright? Don't Forget
Butch: [Tony starts to beat Coco to a pulp] WHOA! WHOA!
Tony: [training his gun at Butch] Sit down! SIT DOWN!
Butch: [sits down] Easy, easy!
Tony: You motherfucker! My fuckin' daughter
[beating Coco]
Tony: My fuckin' daughter. MOTHERFUCKER! MY FUCKIN' DAUGHTER!
[puts his gun in Coco's mouth]
Tony: You want some Sambuca with this?
Butch: Tony! You're makin' a big fuckin' mistake here!
Tony: [aiming at Butch again] How about I put a bullet in your fuckin' head huh?
[pulls Coco and puts his mouth on the fireplace]
Salvatore: Don't do it!
[Tony curb stomps Coco, making him lose some teeth as Butch looks away]
Tony: [threatening Butch] Want some?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Carmela, who the fuck did you think I was when you married me, huh? You knew my father, you grew up around Dicky Moltisanti and your uncle Eddie. Where do you get off acting so surprised and miffed when there are women on the side? You knew the deal.
Carmela: Deal?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: And your mother can talk about what she wants about whats his name and his chain of drug stores. You and I both know that the other boyfriend you were debating marrying was Gerry Tuffie and his father's snow plow buisness. And we now know that that wouldn't of suited you at all.
Carmela: You really don't hear me, do you? You think for me it's all about things.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No I forced all this shit on you. What you really crave is a Hyundai and a simple gold heart on a chain.
Carmela: You are so fucking hateful.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: He's a come-from-behind kind of guy.
Tony: Carmela, something I gotta confess.
Tony: [sees Carmela moving her wine glass] What are you doin'?
Carmela: Getting my wine in position to throw in your damn face!
Tony: You're always with the drama, you.
Carmela: Go ahead and confess already, please! Get it over with!
Tony: [covers his face] I'm on Prozac.
Carmela: Oh - Oh my God.
Tony: I've been seeing a therapist.
Carmela: [gasps] Oh my God! I think that's great! I think that's so wonderful! I think that's so gutsy!
Tony: Alright, take it easy.
Carmela: I just think that's very, very wonderful!
Tony: You would think I was Hannibal Lecter before or something.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I've sat here dreading the end of the story would involve you erupting in some act of violence towards your nephew.
Tony: Well Christmas isn't over yet.
Assemblyman Zellman: you remember that time in Atlantic City? You brought your old girlfriend?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: yeah, the cystic fibrosis fundraiser
Assemblyman Zellman: this is awkward, Irina and I are seeing each other
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: what? Your fuckin kidding me
Assemblyman Zellman: I met her that night at the fundraiser, I gave her my card: she was having some problem with the landlord. She called me months later when you two broke it off and one thing led to another
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: alright, alright, take it easy, it's "ancient history"
Assemblyman Zellman: still, I've been meaning to tell you, I feel like I owe you an explanation
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: what am I? Her father? Your both adults, enjoy yourself
Assemblyman Zellman: it's more than that: I care for her, very deeply, Roz and I are separated. "The heart wants what the heart wants" I guess
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [dismissively] the heart wants what the dick wants
Phil: Anybody ever die in your arms, you cocksucker? A family member, somebody you love?
Tony: No.
Phil: Well, give it time. See if I can't make that happen for you.
Tony: What's your background Noel?
Noah: [Correcting him] It's Noah, I'm from Los Angeles, West LA
Tony: No what I mean is...
Noah: My family's in the "business", I mean show business. I don't know why they call it "the business"
Tony: Those old Tarzan movies?
Noah: No my dad's an entertainment lawyer
Tony: No, what I mean is we're Italian
Noah: Oh, my dad is Jewish and my mother's family is African American
Tony: Tanenbaum. Right. But on your application to Columbia, you didn't check Jewish did you?
Noah: No. They can't ask about religious affiliation.
Tony: Oh, right, what'd you check?
Noah: African American.
Tony: So we do understand each other? You're a ditsoon.
Noah: [Caught off guard by his insult] Excuse me?
Tony: [Continuing to insult him using slang racial terminology for African Americans] Charcoal Briquette, a mulligan.
Noah: What's your problem?
Tony: [Referring to Meadow] I think you know what my problem is: you see, your little friend up there. She didn't do you any favors bringing you into this house. Now I don't know what the fuck she was thinking, we'll get to that later. See, I got business associates who are black and they don't want my son with their daughters and I don't want their sons with mine.
Noah: Fuck you!
Tony: See, that's the kind of thing I'm hoping to avoid. So when my little girl comes down the stairs, you're going to say how nice it was to meet me, then you're going to go drop her off at school and then you're going to say goodbye.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after entering their mother's home] When'd you change the locks?
Janice: [referring to Svetlana] The minute the Ukrainian dye job was out the door
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Don't mess with the Russians: it's all I'm gonna say
Janice: She can have her leg back when she returns ma's record collection and don't say you wouldn't have done the same thing
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [irritated] I'm getting calls at my house from her cousin, I can't have it, don't fuck with me on this: give back the leg
Janice: Those records are yours too. It's sad you don't care: those records, their a window into ma's soul. In fact, I'm making a documentary The World War Two generation and their music exemplified by ma
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Who the fuck are you kidding? Your gonna sell them on the internet
Janice: I have work to do
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [while making the hand gesture for male masturbation, implying he doesn't believe her] yeah right, cleaning up the cellar. Good luck finding the lost dutchman goldmine, you'd make more money working a real job
Janice: Right, like the minute I'm out of here, you're not gonna have contractors downstairs tearing apart the walls
Meadow: Look, you guys, I know what I did was not OK and I've been thinking about it a lot and really not feeling good about myself. I think you should take away my Discover card.
Carmela: You better believe it.
Tony: That's right.
Meadow: For two weeks.
Tony: Three.
Meadow: How do I buy gas?
Tony: Your allowance.
Meadow: I spent my allowance and I already owe mom.
Carmela: [after Tony looks at her implying he wants to know what Meadow owes money for] The Pashmina.
Carmela: [to Meadow] We can wait on that.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Celebrating in a restaurant after robbing bikers of their wine] how about that prick's face when he saw your gun?
Christopher: [Imitating one of the bikers] whoa, take it easy
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Imitating one of the bikers] "we're with The Vipers
Christopher: How's that wine? Good?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It really is, I've got to say
Christopher: [Referring to the biker] I've got to tell you, when he pulled the trigger I almost shit myself
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Slowly sipping the wine]
Christopher: I'll be honest, I miss it sometimes: the wine
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You should make a toast at your wedding, at least
Christopher: It takes disciple, set limits for myself
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Pouring Christopher some wine] you know, in Italy they consider wine food?
Christopher: Oh yeah?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [They toast to each other] Solute
Christopher: Solute
Tony: How was he?
- Fine.
- Same.
- So any news?
- No.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [when Christopher shows his wedding ring to them] is that what I think it is?
Christopher: you are now looking at a newly wedded man
Patsy: [smiles and raises his glass to him] holy shit!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Kelli?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after Christopher nods] what the fuck brought this on?
Christopher: [referring to Kelli is pregnant with his child] a "visit from the stork coming up"
Silvio: [jokingly] you ever heard of "pulling out?"
Patsy: [referring to the sex of the baby] know what you're having?
Christopher: boy, I hope. I'll tell you T, with the example you set, plus the wisdom I learned in AA, it's an inspiration: building blocks, home, family
Silvio: yeah, that's what it's all about kid
Tony: [during lunch, after noticing Patsy isn't eating] not hungry? Have some bragiole
Patsy: no, thanks, I got no appetite: today would've "our" birthday
Tony: [eventually realize who Patsy is referring to] "our" birthday? Oh, yeah..."Spoons"
Gigi: [to Patsy] hey, happy birthday: how old are you?
Patsy: fifty-one
Christopher: who was born first? You or "Spoons?"
Patsy: Philip was my kid brother... by eleven minutes
Tony: hey, it was a fuckin tragedy. What're you gonna do?
Gigi: it's the life we chose, am I right Pat?
Patsy: my brother was never a "heavy" guy with anybody. I mean he was a sweet gentle man
Furio: [before Patsy nods] your brother was your twin brother?
Tony: Philly, "friends" like us, called him "Spoons." Somebody "whacked" the kid couple months before you came home
Furio: so, your identical twins... or the other "kind?"
Patsy: identical
Tony: [before passing salad to him] have something to eat
Patsy: there's a twin "bond", unless you "experienced it", you can't "understand it"
Tony: [to Patsy] you're ok with onions, right?
Patsy: it might sound fuckin crazy to you?
Christopher: hey, nothing sounds "crazy" anymore the older I get
Gigi: well, it's over, right?
Christopher: don't it happen, that identical twins a lot of times, they'll die within a couple days of each other?
Patsy: [before everybody chastises him for talking about not wanting to live] that would've been ok with me, believe me... I miss him so much
Tony: [before everybody raises their drinks to toast his birthday] yeah, well that's natural but you're with us now so why don't you leave the morbid shit back to Junior's crew and have a happy birthday?
Phil: [talking privately] this is from John: He said to tell you he appreciates the recent "Headlines"
Phil: [when Tony doesn't respond] Rusty
Tony: [referring to killing Rusty as a favor to John] I don't know what you're talking about: I turned him down on that
Phil: You're a cautious man, you know some people might feel offended, me? My heart is an "open book"
Phil: [when Tony doesn't respond again, referring to the fictional character from the short story The Legend of Sleepy Hollow] Anyway, Rusty's gone. "Chalk" it up to The Headless Horseman
Silvio: What's goin on Tone?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I think I know what happened to Ralph and if I'm right, he ain't coming back: it was New York
Vito: Johnny Sack?
Carlo: What was it? The fat joke?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm sure that didn't help
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Carmine, this HUD thing we're into. they wanted a "piece" of it. I think they confronted Ralph, and things went sour
Albert: What'd he say John?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It wasn't what he said so much it was what he "didn't" say
Paulie: We're talking about New York here
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Before we do anything in terms of payback, you go to your people, and I want a full investigation. Nobody makes a move until we know what happened, understand?
Jackie: I may be acting boss while the old man's a guest of the government but I wish somebody would tell my bowels 'cause they don't obey. And the fuckin' chemo... Maybe I should name a successor.
Tony: This day and age? Who wants the fuckin' job?
Ralph: You wanted to see me?
Tony: Sit down. I'm making you a captain
Ralph: [Surprised, excited] you are? That's great. That's fuckin great. Anthony, you're not going to be sorry. Thank you
Tony: [after noticing Ralphie paused for a few seconds] what?
Ralph: I need to hear it was merit and not just because someone was constipated and "blew a gasket."
Tony: You're going to be making a lot more money so don't question it. You want to be a captain? You're a captain
Ralph: Thank you Tony, your right. I wanted this so fuckin long
Tony: Well you know what they say: "Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it"
Ralph: [Before Tony takes a shot of liquor by himself, stands up and leaves] so are we going to have a drink together or what?
Tony: [to Feech] You go straight from the joint to Earl Sheib? Look at this fuckin' tan!
Silvio: [Referring to killing protest leader, Professor Del Redclay] Maybe we should just whack this prick
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Who the fuck are you kidding? All you thought about was Blackjack
Silvio: What?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You think this stay in the country was free don't you? Well, it wasn't. Fuckin Chief Smith wants Frankie Valli to come up there and play for a week, that's what this whole junket was about
Silvio: Frankie?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah that's right. That's why he "butt holed" me God damn it. His bad over Frankie's manager so the chief wants me to call him directly as payback for him reaching out to Redclay, but you're making the call
Silvio: I haven't seen Frankie for years
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Angrily] tough shit, you're making the fuckin call. You and this fuckin parade already
Silvio: I don't know what you're so hot about. They're discriminating all Italians as a group when they disallowed Columbus
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh, will you fuckin stop? "Group". What the fuck happened to Gary Cooper? That's what I'd like to know
Silvio: He died because he fought all those Sioux in all those westerns
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh fuck that. Gary Cooper: there was an American. The strong, silent type. He did what he had to do. He faced down the Miller gang when none of those other assholes in town would lift a finger to help him. Did he complain? Did he say "oh, I come from this poor Texas, Irish, illiterate background or whatever the fuck so leave me the fuck out of it because my people got fucked over."
Silvio: T, not for nothing, but you're getting confused here. The guy was in the movies
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What the fuck difference does that make? Columbus was so long ago he might as well been in a fuckin movie. Images you set
Silvio: The point is: Gary Cooper, the real Gary Cooper or anybody named Cooper never suffered like the Italians. If they met a guy like him, they fucked everybody else. The Italians, the Polacks, and the blacks
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: If he was a Madigan around nowadays he'd be a member of some victim's group: the fundamentalist Christians, the abused cowboys, the gays, whatever the fuck
Christopher: He was gay, Gary Cooper?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [shouts, irritated] No! Are you listening to me?
Silvio: Hey, people are suffering
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Did you? Except maybe the Feds?
Silvio: My grandparents got spit on because they were from Calabria
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Referring to the surname of the Chicago mobster] let me ask you a question? With all the good things you have in your life: did they come to you because you're Calabrese? I'll tell you the answer. The answer's no. you got a kid in Lackawanna College, you got a wife, who's a piece of ass, at least she was when you married her. You own one of the most profitable topless bars in all north Jersey, now did you get all that because your Italian? No you got it because your you, you're smart because you're whatever the fuck. Where the fuck is our self-esteem? That shit doesn't come from Columbus, The Godfather, or Chef fuckin Boyardee
Silvio: We've got to tiptoe around the Indians don't we? We can't call our teams the Braves, or the Tomahawks
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You take it up with Frankie Valli when talk to him
Tony: [Tony chastises his assembled captains who aren't making enough money for the crime family] This thing is a "pyramid" since time immemorial, shit goes downhill, money goes up: it's that simple. I should not have to be coming here "hat in my hand", reminding you of your duty to that man.
Tony: [pointing at Raymond] and I don't want to hear about the fuckin economy either! I don't want to hear it. Sil, break it down for them. What two businesses have traditionally been recession proof since time immemorial?
Silvio: Certain aspects of show business... and our thing.
Tony: Now that's it. That's all I've gotta say. Frankly, I'm depressed and ashamed.
Tony: You know we're the only country in the world where the pursuit of happiness is guaranteed in writing? You believe that? Bunch of fucking spoiled brats. Where's my happiness then?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It's the pursuit that's guaranteed.
Tony: Yeah. Always a fucking loophole, right?
Salvatore: There was a fuckin rat, so you finger me? You don't think I didn't realize what was going on? When you come to my house three o'clock in the fuckin afternoon telling me your my "friend". That's when I knew I was in trouble Anthony. When out of blue you start telling me your my "friend."
Tony: Oh, is that right?You owe me an explanation and you know what I'm talking about
Salvatore: Remind me to never get sick again huh? Remind me please to never have a serious illness because with you, Silvio, Paulie, and all you pricks weakness likes to spread around
Tony: You know what? Fuck you! I don't what to hear about your fuckin back anymore. Who's your fuckin boss? Who gets the explanation? What am I suppose to trust you? You "off the reservation" cocksucker?
Salvatore: It was a broad Tony, it was complicated. My back was for shit you knew that
Tony: I don't want to hear anymore about your back
Salvatore: [Referring to the diagnosis of his back] That's how we met, this Spondylosis. That's why I was popping Percocets like freaking JuJubes. Anyway so my doctor prescribes this clinic in Puerto Rico. I didn't exactly object given the fuckin vibes around here. Go ahead, check
Tony: You don't tell your wife your in the hospital?
Salvatore: That twat brought on most of this
Tony: How?
Salvatore: Listen, down there I met this girl, she's twenty-six. An acupuncturist. It was the only thing helping my Sciatic nerve. Anyway, one thing leads to another...
Tony: [Interrupts him] you can't send one word?
Salvatore: I'm going to trust you? Paulie? Take the word of a degenerate cop over me?
Tony: So why'd you come back? What changed?
Salvatore: Nothing changed, that's the problem. I still got two kids in college, one just got married, and needs my help. I've got to start earning again. I've got to get my action back
Tony: Oh, just like that?
Salvatore: I came to you Tony. I'm in your hands
Tony: [Opens his arms, implying to give each other a hug] come here you fat fuck
Salvatore: [Feeling insulted after Tony pats his back and rubs his chest to check for a wire, then referring to his testicles] hey, do you want to pat this down too?
Tony: don't you ever bullshit like this again
Carmela: [after telling him to hang up the phone in his room, referring to his college applications] I don't know what to say, you know? Those applications are late, you are cooked it's that simple and I do know this because I have raised you from day one, you are not gonna like working at MacDonald's
A.J. Soprano: Could you amp up the drama a little?
Carmela: You know what? I don't like sarcasm and I don't want you around next year sponging off of us so fine, I am withholding your allowance until all of those applications are done
A.J. Soprano: That's not even practical and you know it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after hearing them argue and entering the room, to Carmela] What's the matter?
Carmela: He hasn't done his applications: he isn't getting allowance
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [sternly to AJ] no allowance
A.J. Soprano: Actually, I have three hundred dollars of my own money
Carmela: How?
A.J. Soprano: Me and Matt put on a party: five dollars a person, made six hundred bucks after expenses
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [confused] What expenses?
A.J. Soprano: The band
Carmela: Is that what you've been on the phone about these last two weeks?
A.J. Soprano: It may interest you to know, people said it was the best party all year
Carmela: There was drinking there, I suppose?
A.J. Soprano: We just let people into Matt's house, what they brought with them was not under our control
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [ignoring his explanation] Do your applications... now
Meadow: [sitting at the kitchen counter next to Finn] There's these poor hard-working people
Carmela: Finn, you're not eating?
Finn: coffee's good
Meadow: I meant it, the government's completely fucking this family over
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [while walking into the kitchen] when did it start that she can use that kind of language in this house with immunity?
Meadow: I'm telling mom about these people who came into the office yesterday
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [jokingly] let me guess: was it a crack whore trying to get her kids back for the welfare money?
Meadow: actually, it was a family from Afghanistan who fled the Taliban and sweat it out in a refugee camp and hold down three jobs
Meadow: [to her father when he air plays a violin pretending to show sympathy, causing AJ to laugh] you think it's funny? The FBI snatched their son off the street like we're some third world dictatorship
Finn: It's pretty scary
Carmela: There must've been some reason Meadow
A.J. Soprano: Like he's a terrorist maybe?
Meadow: [irritated, adamantly] 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, Bush is using it as an excuse to erode our Constitution protections and you're falling for it
Carmela: I voted for him
Meadow: Right, you don't relate to black people clinging to locks
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [as Meadow walks away] you ought to chill out on some of this
Tony: When I was a kid there was this guy in my neighborhood. We used to call him "Jimmy Smash"
Tony: [Eventually points to his lips] he wasn't retarded but we thought he was he had one of these Whatchamacallit?
Tony: [Imitates jimmy Smash's speech impediment] "Hey Jimmy how the fuck you doing", what'd you call that?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Cleft pallet
Tony: Yeah, we were kids right? What the hell did we know? Every time he'd open his mouth, we'd piss ourselves laughing but Jimmy didn't mind because he got to hang out with us you know? It wasn't until years I found out the poor prick was crying himself to sleep. Now when I found out I felt bad but I never fully understood what he felt to be used for somebody's amusement like a fuckin dancing bear
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: But you thought Cusamano was your friend?
Tony: You live, you learn
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you mind if I ask you a question? What ever happened to Jimmy?
Tony: [Eventually imitates jimmy Smash's speech impediment] his doing twenty years for robbery, it wasn't hard for the cops to tell it was Jimmy. He goes up to the bank teller and says "Give me all your money"
Tracee: I'm pregnant. It's Ralphie's.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Congratulations.
Tracee: What should I do? He acts like he doesn't give a shit.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You ever think he's not acting?
[Christopher hijacked a truck full of DVD players]
Junior: For 21 fuckin' years Comley's been putting food on my table, protection money.
Tony: Hey, Chris didn't know going in.
Junior: Bullshit.
Tony: You want my DVD player? You can watch "Grumpy Old Men".
Junior: You gonna be a fuckin' funny boy too now, huh?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Tony is at Dr. Melfi's shortly after having a monetary dispute with Hesh] You got a lot of Jews in your business right?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What do you mean?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: This.
[surveys her office]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: . You gotta hand it to 'em. When it comes to money.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I've found that that's nothing more than an ugly stereotype.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Really? Because I got a friend, you tie a krugerrand to a fishing line, you're gonna land him.
[makes a sound emulating a fishing line being reeled in]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: . Right up on the dock.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Referring to Vito's proposal to Tony by rejoining the crime family and earn money by distributing narcotics in Atlantic City] Vito, Atlantic City, forget it
Silvio: Why the change up?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I can't keep fighting Phil on this. Our businesses are all entwined. You've got to pick your battles. You want your no-show jobs? Vito's got to go
Silvio: It's the right move T
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: All those weeks in the hospital, surgeries, constant pain, and for what? Come out here and get shadowed with something like this?
Silvio: I'm sorry
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: If Vito wanted to pursue that lifestyle, he should've done so quietly
Silvio: He was, wasn't he? Anyone in particular you want to give this to?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well, Carlo had the biggest problem with it, let him handle it. It's Vito's own fault, why couldn't he stay the fuck where he was?
Silvio: Don't beat yourself up about this
Salvatore: [Before picking up a long dart] it means "sit on this cocksucker."
Tony: [Amused, while they all laugh] five minutes from the can for the rest of my fuckin life and I'm laughing
Paulie: You got it skip
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So, this "person", this witness changed his or her mind?
Tony: I don't know what happened
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You don't?
Tony: What's that suppose to mean?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Shrugs]
Tony: You know when I was in Italy, I met someone that reminded me of you. A woman and it's not what you think
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Like me in what way?
Tony: Smart, you know what she said to me?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What did she say?
Tony: She told me I'm my own worst enemy
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: That's kind of a cliche isn't it?
Tony: Well, you had to be there, she's one of them "witchy" broads, not like a psychic but...
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I didn't mean to sound disparaging
Tony: That's some ancient culture over there, they believe all this weird shit like sibyl
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Sibyls?
Tony: Like I said, you had to be there, ok so I wanted to fuck her but she's right, what she said? I mean I bring all this on myself, I mean that's what you keep telling me
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Yes I suppose it is, at root, the question is, how do you stop?
Tony: You know what?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What?
Tony: [Before getting up to leave] I dodged a very big bullet, and I'm feeling very fuckin good about it so I don't need anymore psychiatry today
Tony: [to Gigi, referring to his user name on his laptop computer] Log off, that cookies shit makes me nervous.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Excuse me, let me tell you something... When America opened up the floodgates and let all us Italians in, what do you think they were doing it for? 'Cause they were trying to save us from poverty? No, they did it because they needed us. They needed us to build their cities and dig their subways, and to make them richer. The Carnegies and The Rockerfellers: they needed worker bees and there we were. But some of us didn't want to swarm around their hive and lose who we were. We wanted to stay Italian and preserve the things that meant something to us: honor and family and loyalty... and some of us wanted a piece of the action. Now we weren't educated like the Americans, but we had the BALLS to take what we wanted! And those other folks, those other... the, the JP Morgans, they were crooks and killers too, but that was the business right? The American Way.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: That might all be true, but what do poor Itailian immigrants have to do with you and what happens every morning you step out of bed?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What the fuck is this all of a sudden?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I'm just asking a question.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh, so YOU'RE taking a stand now, huh? You pick HERE to make a stand? After all this time telling me that nothing's my fault, because of poor parenting. You pick now to act like Betsy "Fuckin'" Ross! When my nephew is in the fuckin' hospital! He might not get out!
Tony: Well, here I am: back
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Yup
Tony: So, let me ask you right off, is there any chance for a mercy fuck?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Remains silent]
Tony: I'm just kidding
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: How are you feeling?
Tony: You went to medical school, a gunshot wound is everything they told you it was
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: And emotionally?
Tony: I'm happy to be alive
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Have you spoken to your uncle since it happened?
Tony: No, and I won't. I finally get to sleep on my own bed tonight. I got a hospital bed in the house for the last month and a half ago
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Is sleeping difficult?
Tony: [Shakes his head] Tylenol helps
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What about dreams? Night terrors? Anything like that?
Tony: Gloom is your business and business is good
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You were shot, Anthony by a member of your family
Tony: I know
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: And unless I know absolutely nothing about what I'm doing, I think you and I have a lot to talk about. Are you familiar with the term Post Traumatic Stress?
Tony: I get it ok? My uncle tried to kill me, for the second time. Three strikes and I'm out right? And who knows, maybe I am suppressing things but right now I feel each day is a gift, I told my sister that and that's how it's going to stay
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Just pick up where we left off before this all happened
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: AJ
Tony: Believe it or not things got worse with that kid, flunked out of college. He waited until I was in a coma
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Didn't you leave Seaton Hall after a semester and a half?
Tony: Alright fine why can't he copy some of the good things about me?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Does he have a job?
Tony: Blockbuster: the first stop of the shit bird express
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: In some ways this shooting may have provided him an opportunity to learn from your mistakes
Tony: My mistakes? I got caught up in domestic violence, you think it can't happen to you but it does
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: But I was referring to the bigger picture. The ready access to guns, the use of violence to solve disputes because of the nature of your work, your uncle's work
Tony: I told you I didn't want to talk about my uncle
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Fine, but for now is it safe to say there are worse ways to earn money than by stocking shelves at Blockbuster?
Tony: Yeah, there are
Carmela: Let's just say your uncle has acquired quite a taste for her.
Tony: No, shit, Uncle Jun gives head?
Carmela: World class.
Tony: The old man's whistling through the wheat field?
Carmela: Don't be disgusting!
Tony: Oh, he's a Bushman of the Kalahari!
Carmela: [laughs]
Carmela: [laughs] That's why I don't tell you anything 'cause you don't know when to stop!
Tony: Oh my God, if this ever gets out.
Carmela: Oh yeah, like you don't do it or any of your friends. Bunch of hypocrites.
Tony: Hey, what goes on in this bedroom stays here and you know that.
Carmela: Once a year? I can resist the urge to gossip.
Silvio: [after she walks up to him] what's the matter Hun?
Tracee: nothing
Tracee: [getting his attention] Tony?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: how you doing sweetie?
Tracee: good, I took Danny to the doctor: like you said
Tracee: [when she notices he doesn't recall] my son?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: oh yeah, yeah, right, right. How's he doing?
Tracee: you were right, just a chest pull, not pneumonia, thank God
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: good to hear it
Tracee: [hands him the plate] I made you some bread, you know, as a "thank you"?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: you didn't have to do that
Tracee: no, really, I wanted to: it's Date Nut for breakfast
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: listen... Tracee, right?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after she nods] the bread's very sweet: you're a great girl. Don't take this the wrong way but you can't be doing stuff like this
Silvio: [to Tracee] no good
Tracee: but I just wanted to say "thanks"
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I know but I already got a family, you know, they give me gifts. What we have is an employee, employer, "thing"
Tracee: can't we be friends?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [referring to their romantically involved] yeah, well, I'm not so sure that's a good idea either because you and Ralphie...
Tracee: Yeah, Ralphie
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm glad your kid's ok
Silvio: [points to his watch, referring to the fictional character and brand name, telling her to go back to work] let's go betty Crocker
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You're entitled to shit!
Tony: I'm havin' second thoughts.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: About?
Tony: This whole thing. This whole arrangement. Security. I mean I come here, I tell you things, I don't know how safe it is.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I understand your concerns. But I told you what the ground rules are. As long as I don't hear anything incriminating...
Tony: You don't fuckin' get it. Bein' here incriminates me. Somebody sees me, they tell somebody else. All of a sudden, I'm a celebrity.
Mr. Teittleman: Do you have a daughter, Mr. Soprano?
Tony: Yes. Call me Tony.
Mr. Teittleman: What would you do if your daughter was abused by her husband?
Tony: I'd talk to him.
Silvio: Yeah, in "Ball Peen Hammer".
Tony: [after picking up the phone] what?
Bobby: Tony, it's me listen, it's your uncle. His gone
Tony: You mean his dead?
Bobby: No, no, no, we think he might have wondered off. You know I didn't want to call you but it's been a couple hours now
Tony: Fuck him
Bobby: He said he was going to see Johnny, you think he might've meant your dad?
Tony: What?
Bobby: His wandering
Tony: [Before hanging up] he could wander off the Palisades for all I care his fuckin dead to me
Tony: [after Rhiannon leaves] Wouldn't kick her outta bed for purgin' cookies.
Tony: [Tony strangles "Fred Peters" with a wire from behind] Good morning rat!
Fred: [struggling] Who are you? What is this?
Tony: Don't make me laugh! You pimp! You fuck!
Fred: Teddy, there must be something we can...
Tony: Tony! It's Tony, you fuck! You know how much trouble you're in now? You took an oath, and you BROKE it!
Fred: I could have killed you last night outside the motel. Your daughter was drunk, remember? I was out at the parking lot, I had a gun, but I didn't do it. Because then I told myself
[crying for his life]
Fred: "It's just a coincidence! He's taking his little girl to college!"
Tony: Well you know about us wiseguys? The hustle never ends. If you shot me at that motel, your life would have been flushed out on the pisciadood!
Tony: Jimmy says "Hello" from hell, you fuck!
[Tony strangles Fred Peters to death]
David: [while in the bathroom] hey, buddy
Tony: I saw your wife out there alone, I figured you were out at the trotters
David: Not tonight, I had a customer, I couldn't "shake". The guy spends half an hour deciding between a twenty dollar soccer ball and a twenty two dollar soccer ball. So who do you like?
Tony: I don't know, I think that guy from Bowdoin seems to make sense, I guess?
David: No, I meant on the game tonight
Artie: [after entering the bathroom, jokingly] you guys want to be alone?
David: [to Artie] I saw the refreshment table out there, I knew you'd be lurking around here somewhere
Artie: I don't know how I always get "roped" into this shit
Tony: Charmaine's no fool
Tony: [Referring to one of Artie's pastries] she knows one of your Sfogliatella in the right mouth and your daughter can go to any school she wants
Artie: So far the janitor's the only one going near them
Tony: [Jokingly] that's a nice career path for a young lady
Tony: [while having Chinese food for dinner after the FBI searched their home earlier in the day] I know the Feds are doing their job but it pisses me off the way they act
Carmela: that one guy Harris wasn't so bad
Tony: trust me, he was the biggest snake out of all of them: it's all part of his little act and that guy who broke the bowl, he did it on purpose
Carmela: Oh, I don't think so, he was just a klutz
Tony: What was his last name, Grizzo, Grasso, what?
Carmela: [reminding him] Grasso
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Why?
Tony: Why? Because he has a vowel at the end of his last name, Grasso, that's why. I mean what's he think? His gonna make it to the top by arresting his own people?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: [to his mother] Pass the Moo shu
Tony: he'll see, he'll learn
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: We have a vowel
Tony: [attempting not to curse at the dinner table] F-in right and you be proud of it. Jesus Christ, you think there never was a Michelangelo, the way they treat people
Carmela: [to AJ] Did you know an Italian invented the telephone?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Alexander Graham Bell was Italian?
Tony: [to Carmela] you, see? see what I'm takin about?
Tony: [raises his voice to AJ, irritated] Antonio Meucci invented it and he got robbed: everybody knows that!
Meadow: Who invented the mafia?
Tony: [caught off guard by her question] What?
Meadow: The Cosa Nostra, who invented that?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Who cares?
Meadow: Wasn't it Salvatore Lucania, better known as Charles Lucky Luciano, who organized the Five Families: Lucchese, Gambino, Bonanno, Profaci
Tony: [becoming irritated] is there something you wanna say to me?
Meadow: I just like history like you, dad
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Can you just shut the fuck up about it?
Carmela: [chastising him for cursing] Hey!
Tony: [chastising him for cursing] Hey!
Carmela: AJ, did you know John Cabot was Italian?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: No
Meadow: [to her mother, referring to AJ] Like he knows who that is?
Carmela: Famous discoverer of Canada
Tony: The Bank of America, ever heard of it? One of the biggest banks in the world, started by an Italian
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: The first American Saint was Italian, Mother Cabrini
Carmela: That's right
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Is it true that the Chinese invented spaghetti?
Tony: Now think about it, why would people who eat with sticks invent something you need a fork to eat with? And here's something else I bet you didn't know: more Italians fought for this country in World War Two than any other ethnic group, and they wouldn't tell you about Sacco and Vanzetti either
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: The two anti-Christ that got the electric chair in Massachusetts?
Meadow: [correcting him] Anarchists
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: [to his mother] Isn't anti-Christ?
Carmela: They were two innocent men who got the chair because they were Italian
Meadow: [to AJ] How could there be two anti-Christ? There was only one Christ
Tony: I tell you, I'm having a time. Stay out late. Come home drunk. Fuck anyone I want.
Silvio: So what's the difference?
Tony: I don't know. It's a mind-set.
Christopher: What about the dead guy?
Tony: You keep prodding him with a stick. You light a candle to St. Anthony. But I think you're fucked.
Paulie: [before a sit down requested by Paulie, referring to Ralph not arriving on time] I got here first? Cocksucker
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: sit down, relax, have a coffee, he'll be here
Paulie: I think I got ma situated
Silvio: the Brother Joe home?
Paulie: [referring to the odor] nah, fuck that, we went there, almost gagged. Nah, we're gonna go with Greene Grove, based on your recommendation, Tone
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I never recommended it
Paulie: yeah, you did, when your ma there. By the way, did she have the Silver Bird package?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [uninterested] I don't know
Paulie: you know, Sil, it's the most expensive nursing home in the state
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It's a retirement community
Paulie: the level of care they have, ma was crying
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: eight grand a month?
Paulie: who gives a fuck? You see a seeing eye dog over here? Cup full of pencils?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm not trying to insult you, I'm just saying
Paulie: It'll be tough but I'll figure it out: worth every fucking penny, I'm the hero now
Paulie: [to Ralph when he arrives] you're late
Ralph: [before Paulie tries to lunge at him for the insult] well, tomorrow I can be on time, but you'll be stupid forever
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Paulie while holding him back] hey, sit down
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Ralph] sit the fuck down and shut up
Silvio: so, who wants to talk first?
Paulie: what's to fucking talk about? I'm owed that fifty g's
Ralph: [raises his voice] fucking alarm code? Fifty g's? Five tops, maybe? As a finder's fee?
Paulie: Freaking heist fell in your lap: you spend your days fucking those fat pigs in the outer office at the carpenters union
Ralph: three mill a year from construction this family sees
Silvio: alright, five is the negotiating platform, take it easy
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [referring to Ralph's crew] It's not five we all know that: these guys did the heavy lifting
Paulie: Little Paulie was good to go, fucking car never came. They left him waiting outside his house like an asshole in fucking eleven-degree weather
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after thinking it over] Ralph, give him 12k
Paulie: I can't believe this
Ralph: why not? Last year you believed that flying saucers were over East Rutherford
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Ralph, irritated from his insults] I'm not gonna tell you again
Paulie: T, I'm asking you to reconsider this
Silvio: [replying for Tony] Paulie, you requested a sit down, he heard you out
Tony: So what's up, you make me late for a table at Tavern on the fuckin Green?
Johnny: How's the real estate business?
Tony: Excuse me?
Johnny: You know HUD, Garside Street, you, Ralph, Zellman
Tony: Zellman tell you this?
Johnny: Carmine doesn't know anything about this yet. I'm giving you an opportunity to cut a deal, make it right
Tony: Last time Freeland Heisen Avenue, I cut you in out of friendship but that's over. You got nothing coming to you: you or Carmine
Johnny: You sure you want to go down this road?
Tony: [referring to the bear coming onto their property] Why didn't you tell me this when it first happened?
Carmela: I called the cops: they called Fish and Game
Tony: What're you trying to prove your independent? This isn't Little House on the Prairie, those things are dangerous
Carmela: the "ranger", or whatever said it was your duck food that attracted it
Tony: I never heard of it happening before
Carmela: [jokingly] "Trapper Joe" over here
Junior: [During a sit down meeting over the speakerphone] Ralph insulted John's wife?
Johnny: That's correct
Junior: What did he do exactly?
Johnny: He made a very hurtful remark that's not worth repeating
Silvio: Let's point out too it's only been "alleged" on what he said
Johnny: He "allegedly" said what he said to a group of people: "friends of ours"
Junior: If you weren't there how do you know it's true?
Johnny: I'm not at liberty to say
Tony: With all due respect but this is bullshit somebody in my family is talking out of school and you don't have the liberty to who? I should be making the beef here
Junior: My nephew's right
Johnny: I want to average her honor, this is my right to do
Tony: Alright fine you bring in here who ever told you, if he collaborates with what you're saying I'll give you ralph on a platter
Johnny: Is nothing scared? What happened to this thing? If this was years ago would I even have to ask? We bend more rules than the Catholic Church
Tony: Let's just say for the of argument ralph said what he said is clipping him going to un-ring that bell?
Carmine: Nobody's getting clipped
Johnny: I want satisfaction
Silvio: Will you accept an apology?
Johnny: That ship that has sailed
Carmine: Your being unreasonable John
Johnny: Ralph's the only one who can handle the Esplanade? Put the other guy in
Carmine: There's millions of dollars are at stake
Johnny: Again with the money?
Carmine: Yeah, again with the money, it's settled name a price or the fuck over it
[John leaves]
Paulie: [after hearing Tony pounding on his front door] Who is it?
Tony: Open this door!
Tony: I want to talk to you. I hear you got some beefs. You want to phone everybody?
Tony: [while walking into Paulie's living room and seeing his painting of him and his racing horse he originally wanted to have discarded] what the fuck?
Paulie: I know you said you wanted the picture burnt T, but the picture moved me
Tony: That's because you knew it cost me a fuckin arm and a leg
Paulie: If it was in-quality work I'll admit that but I told the guys it was a chance of hanging a picture of you on my wall so I rescued it from the flames
Tony: What's with the hat and shit?
Paulie: Huh?
Tony: Don't give me "huh."You know what it does to me? To be reminded of that fuckin horse?
Paulie: I'm sorry T, but you don't come here no more, I didn't figure it'd be a problem
Tony: [Referring to the FBI] I don't come here no more because they're watching all our houses. It's no good for us to visit
Paulie: I know
Tony: What do you and your whores get a big laugh out of that?
Paulie: That's no joke T
Tony: Then what the fuck is it?
Paulie: That's no joke, it cost me a lot of money to get the re-touching done
Tony: Then what the fuck you do it for? Don't bullshit me Paulie
Paulie: Part of it was to fix some fire damage on the guy's feet but while I was at it, I also thought I don't have a modern look in here, so I'm going with something more traditional. Something that captures what your really all about
Tony: A God damn lawn jockey?
Paulie: That's not a lawn jockey, that's a general
Tony: What general? Who?
Paulie: That's not a real general from history
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: [after Tony pulls over in a poor neighborhood] now what?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: what, you afraid?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: right, like I haven't seen places like this before
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: you see those houses over there? I'm buying them
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: those crappy ones? What for?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: for an investment, what've I been saying?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: I don't know
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: real estate, buy real estate
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: dad, the black dude's coming over
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after Tony rolls down the window] hey, what's up?
Jemilo: [asking him if he's a police officer] sup? 5-0?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [jokingly, gesturing to AJ] uh, yeah, I'm Starsky and this is Hutch
Jemilo: [referring to the narcotics his selling] smoke, crack, or crank?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: no, thank you: we're just having a look around
Jemilo: yeah, no "eye-in, if you ain't buy-in"
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I thought this was a free country?
Crackhead: unless you want "something", motherfucker, get the fuck off our street
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: oh, the language on you, you "blow" your father with that mouth?
Jemilo: the fuck you just say to my sister?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: take it easy, I don't want no trouble, I'm just showing my son the "old neighborhood"
Jemilo: [shows him his gun underneath his shirt] yeah, well, this our neighborhood now, guinea motherfucker
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [nods, before rolling up the window and driving away] yeah, I can see that
Tony: [Beating and strangling Ralph over Pie-O-My's death] She was a beautiful innocent creature, what'd she ever do to you? You fuckin' killed her! You killed her, you fuckin' killed her!
Adriana: [at Christopher's intervention] But when you killed Cosette, that was the last straw.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Killed the dog? What'd you do that for?
Christopher: It was an accident!
Paulie: What, was it barking?
Tony: Well, listen, the other day I was driving along, thinking about your little problem. How bout a promotion? Coupon, two for one.
Artie: Two-fers. Wow. You mean like you get a free spaghetti and meatballs if you bring another cheap comare douchebag in here? How 'bout an early bird special? Salad wagon? This is a fine dining establishment. I'll give it back to the bank before I turn into a fucking IHOP!
Vito: [Vito has emerged from hiding after being outed. He approaches Tony in the mall] Tony. Hey
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What the fuck?
Vito: My brother's over there.
[Vito points to a man standing in the distance]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What's that supposed to mean?
Vito: Nothing. He's just there, that's all.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You sandbag me? I'll cut your fucking throat open.
Vito: I'm sorry. I didn't know what else to do. I want back in. Can I sit?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No, you can't sit.
Vito: It's complicated. I was working things out.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm sure it gets complicated. When you're taking it up your fag ass.
Vito: I'm not a fag. I never was
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Excuse me?
Vito: It was the medication I was on. For my blood pressure. It fucked with my head, but I'm over that now. I could probably get a letter from my doctor
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: A note from your doctor saying you don't like to suck cock?
Tony: Listen I got some ideas for you to get you back on your feet unless of course you already know what your going to do
Tony: Well, yeah I got an idea
Tony: Yeah?
Tony: Like four years in I got moved to Springfield you know where they got the big prison hospital. It's mostly stab wounds, detox. Anyway this guy I knew told me I could be an orderly and how it's easy time and all
Tony: So your the guy that hooks everybody up. That's smart
Tony: Yeah but it wasn't business for me. I mean I really got into this shit. Rehab block, guys with broken limbs, muscle diseases. We'd help them back so this might be something I could do. I got my Associates degree already. It took me five years. Now it's only like six months more to get my massage license
Tony: So you want to run a massage parlor?
Tony: No, I'm going to be a licensed therapist. Look I've been away from this for a long time. I mean if I got a shot at staying out, and putting shit together, I should take it
Tony: Oh, I was thinking you know I got this airbag thing but...
Tony: No Tone, thanks it's a really nice offer but I need regular work until I'm certified, just regular work
Tony: I guess I know this guy looking for a delivery man for his linen fleet
Tony: You know I don't got my driver's license
Tony: So you go to my guy at the DMV
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [meeting privately in her car] I had lunch with that girl next door you know
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You did?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Isabella, she was telling me about Avellino, where my people are from: it sounded nice. Anyway, she was talking and all of a sudden... we went to another place like in my mind's eye, I don't know back in time 1907 or something and we were in this room, me and her and she had this baby she was holding on her breast. She was nursing and she was whispering to it "It's ok little baby, don't cry, it's gonna be ok, I love you"
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Did the baby have a name?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [becoming emotional] She was calling him "Antonio"
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: it's you, that little baby and Isabella, she was nursing you
Carmela: [while lying in bed] Did you shut off all the lights?
Tony: Yeah
Carmela: In the kitchen?
Tony: Yeah. I want to spend more time with AJ
Carmela: It's the other one you should spend time with: she's almost out of the house
Tony: Hey, I'm not worried about Meadow, she can take care of herself
Carmela: Why the sudden burst of fatherhood?
Tony: [irritated] Can you say anything without it being sarcastic?
Carmela: Your right, I'm sorry. I think it's a good idea, he adores you: he never gets to spend enough time with you
Tony: Yeah well
Carmela: I was reading in Time the other day this study at Harvard: a father's support is absolutely linked to a boy's later capacity to manage frustrations, to explore new circumstances, and to do well in school
Tony: The kid needs to toughen up
Carmela: I'm not talking about toughening up, I'm talking about opening up
Tony: Somebody needs to teach that kid some street smarts: not to be a sucker, not to be involved with the wrong people. I don't want another Christopher on my hands, look at him, his lucky to be alive and the other poor prick they found dead: the kid was twenty-three or something
Tony: That should be expected, with Vito passing and all that entrails.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Cunnilingus and psychiatry brought us to this.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [about Livia] She could need a change in her living situation, be around more people.
Tony: Well, we were looking at Green Grove.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It's a beautiful facility. It's more like a hotel at Cap d'Antibes.
Tony: Yeah. But to her it's a nursing home.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Well, she needs to be made to see the distinction. That in fact, she's embarking on a rewarding chapter. I know seniors who are inspired. And inspiring.
Janice: [after seeing him upset] What's the matter?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Jackie Aprile is man who loved knowledge, when he was dying of the cancer, he was praying his son would go to medical school. If he knew he dropped out of college... it'll break his heart
Janice: It didn't hurt the Beatles, Bill Gates: his uncle Richie is looking out for him
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [referring to Richie's son pursuing a career path as a ballroom dancer] He should deal with his own son
Janice: Hey, don't do that. You know his taking AJ to the dirt bike championship at Giants Stadium?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: AJ can't go: he got a C in Algebra
Janice: does Carmela know about this?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Alright, you really wanna know? I don't want him around my kids
Janice: Who? Richie?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [nods] You heard me
Janice: The fuck are you talking about?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Ask Gia Gaeta
Janice: Richie told me all about that, the transmission slipped out of gear. Richie's lucky he didn't crushed by the car too and for your information, Beansie Gaeta owed him major dollars for ten years and Richie wasn't asking for the interest
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Why not?
Janice: And if we're so awful, why are you throwing us an engagement party?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Because you're my sister and I try to do what's right. Anyway, it's my wife's thing
Janice: Does right include planking that little Russian girl of yours on the side?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [irritated] You know what? Being that I am, be a fuckin codependent to a fuckin shitbag, what the fuck do I care?
Janice: You know, you just can't stand to see me happy, can you? You motherfucker
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you have any qualms about how you actually make a living?
Tony: Yeah. I find I have to be the sad clown: laughing on the outside, crying on the inside.
A.J. Soprano: [Talking privately in their garage] What now?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Hands AJ a business card] Tomorrow 7am you go to this address and for a Mr. Gaveralo, I just got off the phone with him
A.J. Soprano: Seven in the morning? For what?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You'll be working construction
A.J. Soprano: What?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Ferrying cement in a wheel barrow
A.J. Soprano: So it's outdoors?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah
A.J. Soprano: But it's winter time
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You got a lot of those hooded sweatshirts like those moulinyans wear you watch on MTV you can double up
A.J. Soprano: Come on this is bullshit
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Tony puts his hand on AJ's shoulder and pulls face closer to his face] Every penny you make you keep, we won't charge you any rent and believe me the pay's good it's a union job, I just want to see you do good your my son and I love you
A.J. Soprano: I'm going to have to leave your friend in a lurch when I go back to school
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: That's ok he deals with that all the time
A.J. Soprano: I just assume to keep searching online
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm sure you would, but if you're not at that site tomorrow morning,
[AJ nods dismissively]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm going to take away your car and then I'm going to take away your clothes I'm going to take away your room and then I'm going to take away your mother's cooking and pretty soon you'll be out in the fucking street,
A.J. Soprano: [Tony uses a football helmet and breaks the wind shield on AJ's SUV] What the hell are you doing?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It might get a little drafty driving down there tomorrow but I will have this fucking thing towed out of here and grounded up, look at it, you don't take care of it
[Tony puts his hand back on AJ's shoulder]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Don't put me to the test
Janice: [referring to Richie] What'd you do with him?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Sarcastically] We buried him. On a hill. Overlooking a little river. With pine cones all around.
Janice: [surprised] you did?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: oh Jesus, what the fuck?, What'd you care what we did we him?
Janice: I loved him so much
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Sarcastically] all in all, I'd say it wasn't a bad visit.
Tony: [Referring to AJ's suicide attempt] Why me huh?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Why not you?
Tony: Because I'm a good guy basically, I love my family. There's a balance: there's a Ying, there's a Yang. You think you know, you think you learn something, like when I got shot
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Know what?
Tony: Alright when I was Las Vegas I took peyote, I was curious I don't know
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You were searching for something?
Tony: I saw some "things", not "things", per se hallucinations Roger Corman shit. It was kind of disappointing, it wasn't any of that
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What was there?
Tony: It's kind of hard to describe, I mean you've done that right? Acid?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: No
Tony: [after sighing] all I can say is I saw for pretty certain that everything we see and experience, is not all there is
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What else is there?
Tony: Something else. That's as far I can go with it. I don't fuckin know
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Alternate universes?
Tony: You're going to be a comedian now?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I'm not
Tony: Maybe this is going to sound stupid but at one point that our mothers are bus drivers, no they are the bus, see? They're the vehicle that gets us here. They drop us off and go on their way. They continue on their journey and the problem is we keep trying to get back onto the bus. Instead of just letting it go
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: That's very insightful
Tony: Jesus don't act so surprised
Dr. Harry Winer: It could've been another TIA, it's hard to tell, was any of this accompanied by a lapse in memory?
Janice: [after Janice and Tony shrug] I don't know
Dr. Harry Winer: [to Tony and Janice, referring to Junior] Had you brought him in right away, I'd might have more answers
Junior: That medicine stopped working, I took more and didn't do shit, I feel like the walking dead
Dr. Harry Winer: Medication sometimes is like cooking: we need to adjust the ingredients
Junior: Who gives a shit? I'm so fuckin blue
Tony: Well, what'd you expect? All you do is go to funerals all the time
Junior: I'm trapped, what's the point? God damn house arrest: my life is only death, I'm living in a grave. I beat prison and for what? I have no children, will somebody please explain this to me?
Brian: the tax purposes the annuity is fine but if I'm hearing you right, liquidity is the real concern?
Carmela: [after looking at Tony and he nods] "occasionally" we need "ready access" to our money
Brian: honestly guys, I'd recommend a life insurance trust that coupled with the growth-oriented allocation of your assets... including an assortment of other investment "vehicles"
Tony: [jokingly] like what? Classic cars?
Brian: no, like stocks, bonds
Carmela: I think his "pulling your leg"
Brian: [amused] I gotta remember that one. So, great, we'll open an account, get the paperwork started and...
Tony: [interrupts him] look, no offense, I know we're family, let me think about it: run it by my accountant
Carmela: Ginsberg? He's a CPA, not an investment advisor
Tony: well, whatever, he knows about this stuff
Brian: you know what Carm? Talk to your accountant, two heads huh?
Tony: Hey, Mrs. Conte. Come stai? How is the hip?
Mrs. Conte: Hey Anthony, oh I need your help!
Tony: What?
Mrs. Conte: Those Nigger fucking whores, they play that music so loud!
Tony: That's not nice. And those are Puerto Ricans.
Mrs. Conte: I asked them nice to turn it down, they tell me to go fuck myself!
Tony: ...I'll see what I can do.
Mrs. Conte: Thanks.
Tony: [sees Chris barbecuing] Oh, look at that wrist action! All those years yankin' it are finally startin' to pay off.
Fran: I was sorry to hear about your mother.
Tony: Least she didn't suffer.
[pause]
Tony: She made all of us suffer instead.
Carmela: [During family dinner] what? Did everybody take a "vow of silence" or something? Nobody's got nothing to report?
A.J. Soprano: I've got to write a report on DNA for biology
Carmela: Isn't that interesting? I just saw on Inside Edition how there will be no more "unknown soldiers" because of DNA now: they will be able to identify every single casualty of combat
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Meadow] pass me some of the macaroni and cheese?
Janice: You know Tony, I know you don't like to talk about her but that woman is impossible: she's a complete narcissist, I mean she's always "me, me, me". Really kudos, you are a saint
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You were right the first time, I don't want to talk about it
Meadow: [to Tony and Janice] you were talking about grandma?
Janice: When she pushes those buttons, she's a big baby you know?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Janice, irritated] this is my house, how many times I do have to say it?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Sarcastically to Meadow after she makes an insulting comment] you got something to say? The little girl's about to get her license might want to drive one of those cars in the driveway in the next hundred years
Janice: It's my fault Meadow, I was "insensitive" to his feelings
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Janice] thank you
Carmela: [to Janice and Tony, referring to them peacefully resolving an argument] you see that? You see how easy that was?
Janice: [Sarcastically to Tony] so Mr. "delegated Power of Attorney", have you given it any thought? Can my girlfriend have the listing? You know? The house?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Referring to their mother's home] as long as it gets sold, I don't give a fuck who lists it
A.J. Soprano: [Making a joke] hey, what did one prick say to the other prick?
Carmela: [to Tony] you see that? See what happens with you cursing at the dinner table?
Uncle: [Referring to Janice,in the back of the Bada Bing strip club at Tony's desk] She was inveigling him, she's after his money, you're not even curious about him?
Tony: [Referring to Junior] He can fucking rot
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I say what your mother has, at the very least, is what we call borderline personality disorder.
Tony: A borderline personality disorder ?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Let me read to you from the DSM-IV okay? Definitions of the condition? "A pattern of unstable relationships . Affective instability , It means intense anxiety, a joylessness. These people's internal phobias are the only things that exist to them. The real world, real people are peripheral. These people have no love or compassion. Borderline personalities are very good at splitting behavior, creating bitterness and conflict between others in their circle."
Tony: [on cloning] I tell my kids, only God can create a life.
Salvatore: I got a list of people as long as my arm I wouldn't want cloned.
Carmela: [referring to Meadow's punishment, while lying in bed] There has to be consequences. What kind of parents would we be if we let her get away with this?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Typical?
Service: I was just wondering if we could switch days off
Gloria: [after seeing Tony enter the car dealership] alright just give me a minute
Service: I just thought we could switch days off
Gloria: yeah sure, I just got a customer coming in alright?
Gloria: [Greeting him] Tony
Tony: [Forcefully grabs her arm and pulls her into her office to talk privately] don't you fuckin "Tony" me, are you out of your fuckin mind talking to my wife?
Gloria: Alright I was upset about your ex-girlfriend alright? The "poor confused kid." I thought you should see my version. I'm sorry alright?
Tony: You drove her home, what the fuck? And you look right into my eyes and don't tell me?
Gloria: Alright it's just normal to be curious about someone that you love's significant other
Tony: No, it's not: it's fuckin twisted
Gloria: No, it is not. I don't want to argue, your upset and I understand it's on the margins for someone like you and I'm sorry. It'll never happen again, ever
Tony: No shit, now you can tell your shrink your own dating relationships
Service: [after he leaves her office] what'd you mean?
Tony: [while leaving the dealership] it's fuckin over
Tony: You wanted to see me?
Johnny: You can tell Ralph I've decided to accept his apology
Tony: That kid you pissed on, Donnie K: his got fuckin nerve damage on his left side
Johnny: I'm sorry Tony
Tony: I bet you are
Johnny: I'll expect to hear from Ralph
Tony: Why the big reversal all of a sudden?
Johnny: No more weight remarks Tony. Their hurtful and their destructive
Tony: Oh I agree
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm gonna go back in there and be with my guests. Exactly ten minutes, I'm gonna look up, if you're not here i'm gonna assume that you went to look for whatever the fuck it is that's calling you out there. And then I will never see you again. If you are still here, then I'm gonna assume that you have no other desire in the world than to be with me. And your actions will show me that every second of every fucking day. You understand me? Don't answer me. Take the ten minutes, you think about it.
Tony: you got word on the power tools?
Paulie: yeah, the spics are sending the first truck Friday
Tony: [to Christopher] how about Alphonse at the hardware store?
Christopher: ready for the whole load
Bobby: speaking of "loads", you hear the latest on Vito Jr.?
Christopher: what?
Tony: Marie called: he got expelled because he took a shit in the shower in gym class
Paulie: [disgusted] whoa
Christopher: that sick little fuck
Tony: [referring to Vito Jr.'s gothic appearance] you should see him: the makeup? And without school, Marie says his shut in his room all day
Christopher: [referring to the 1999 school shooting] probably thinking about "pulling" a Columbine?
Tony: the little girl...
Bobby: Francesca
Tony: dad's gone, brother's a psycho, mother's a basket case, she's nine years old, what the fuck did she ever do?
Christopher: [nods] a tragedy, like a pebble in a lake, even the fish feel it
Tony: it's not right, Vito was one of us, so he sucked a cock, prior to that, he was our friend: can't just cut his family loose. That piece of shit Phil, his never gonna "pony up", and I'll tell you what, I will never, never forget, that he didn't come through here, never!
Bobby: let it go Tone
Christopher: this is good of you Tone, helping Marie
Paulie: I'll always remember it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [talking privately] The fuck's with you? I count on you as one of the most level-headed guys I got
Silvio: My father was a Knight of Columbus: an Italian American and I paid money to the American Italian Anti-Defamation League counsel, we're the victims here
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh, you wrote a check too?
Silvio: Let's not forget, it was a friend of ours, Joe Columbo who founded the first Italian-American American Italian Anti-Defamation organization
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [referring to Sil leading an unauthorized demonstration supporting Columbus that resulted in unwanted attention] You were still out of line
Silvio: You are right: a hundred percent
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: But?
Silvio: Well, as your consigliere, since you asked, I think the guys and myself too, we need your leadership on this
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after thinking it over] Alright, good, I understand you wanna do something but use your brain
Silvio: Believe me, me and Ralphie are working on a few things, this battle is gonna be won on the PR level: hearts and minds. They manipulate your image, Columbus, you manipulate theirs
Carmela: Fine, I'm not gonna argue with you Tony. If you want her to leave then you're gonna have to tell her cause I'm not. It's not Christian.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well see this shit works out, she's a Buddhist.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [talking in code in front of Satriale's] The "thing" we talked about at the wedding...
Christopher: [referring to killing him] Rusty? You made the call to Italy.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [referring to Annalisa her assassins] Our "friend" over there is gonna "fit him" for a "suit". She's sending over two of her best "tailors".
Christopher: So, I should meet them at the airport?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [referring to getting them guns] No, they're gonna call you when they arrive. You "hook" them up with a third party, get them some "scissors".
Christopher: [nods] This is smart, the more I think about it.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [sarcastically] I'm glad you approve.
Christopher: Anybody taking a look, there's nothing linking us to it.
Carmela: Tony, can you come down here please?
Tony: What? What's the matter?
Tony: [after seeing Ariana with a black eye] what happened?
Carmela: Your nephew
Tony: Christopher did this? He hit you? What for?
Carmela: What's the difference Tony?
Adriana: He was high
Tony: Little prick, I'm going to ring his fuckin neck. Where is he?
Carmela: His been using drugs: heroin
Adriana: His car was stolen by some Puerto Ricans, they stole his cell phone too. I don't know what to do. I already packed a suitcase for my aunt's in Daytona
Tony: Take it easy, don't do something your going to regret
Carmela: Three weeks before their wedding
Adriana: Maybe he needs to be in rehab?
Carmela: You can hire someone to do an intervention apparently
Tony: [Eventually implies since their a crime family they have to handle these issues by themselves] girls, come on we're a family here. I've got to spell it out for you? Take it easy let me figure out how to handle this
Adriana: Please don't hurt him
Tony: [Meeting privately] Let's walk. I need you to head out to Newark for me
Paulie: Airport?
Tony: Alitalia. Friend of ours is coming in
Paulie: Who? Mauro Zucca's wife?
Tony: No, Furio
Paulie: [jokingly] Furio? Coming here? What? To see what indoor plumbing looks like?
Tony: I'm making some changes
Paulie: [Sarcastically] well, thanks for fuckin telling me. When was this decided? Did I do something wrong?
Tony: Sunday: my house, a box of Mallomars on the counter, fuckin empty... you think I didn't know it was you?
Tony: [When Paulie doesn't respond] I'm kiddin' with you, you fuck. Him coming over is good: you're getting a bump
Paulie: Fuckin Mallomars, I thought you lost your mind?
Tony: Listen, the way things are, I gotta step back, Feds find an excuse and I'll do a dime for jaywalking
Paulie: Not like the old days, huh?
Tony: Furio being here frees you up, frees me up. It's me, then you, and Sil together, that's the new pecking order
Paulie: What about Puss?
Tony: Pussy reports to you guys, directly, same with Furio
Paulie: [after hugging] this means a lot to me
Paulie: [over his cell phone, inside the Bada Bing strip club after business hours] I had a meeting down here with Carlo this morning we're supposed to see Butch and them on a couple of items, Carlo didn't show and he don't answer his phone neither
Tony: [over his cell phone at home] What are you thinking?
Paulie: That maybe we were had that this Butch has taken out another ranking guy
Tony: What if he flipped?
Paulie: Who? Carlo?
Tony: Well? You there?
Paulie: His kid the imbecile
Tony: Jason?
Paulie: Patsy told me he got picked up yesterday for selling Ecstasy
Tony: [sees Vin urinating] What the hell are you doing?
Det. Vin Makazian: This place is an hour away from my office.
Tony: An hour? What are you, a woman? Get a bladder transplant. My mother lives here.
Christopher: [after rushing into the Bada Bing strip club to tell everyone about Vito] You are not going to fuckin' believe this...
James: [Interrupts him, to everyone] Vito Spatafore is an "ass muncher".
Tony: [to Murmur] What'd you just say?
James: I'm sorry, it's true.
Christopher: We ran into this kid, Vito was spotted in a fag bar in New York.
Tony: By who?
Christopher: The kid's cousin... Allegedly.
James: Probably bullshit.
Patsy: He's a married man.
Paulie: With a goomah!
Tony: All right, back up a second. What did the kid say exactly?
Christopher: The kid's cousin, Sally Cuzo...
Carlo: From Yonkers, I know him.
Christopher: Sal was at this place in the city supposedly on business, and he saw Vito holding hands with a guy with nipple rings.
James: You're leaving out the best part.
Christopher: He was wearing a motorcycle outfit like the guy in the Village People with the hat and leather vest.
James: Chaps too.
Paulie: I don't know... Fuckin' slander if you ask me.
Tony: [suggesting to everyone to talk privately in the office] All right, let's take this in the back.
James: [Making a joke] Yeah, that's what Vito did!
Tony: [Irritated, not amused by his joke] You can go.
Tony: [referring to his outburst during dinner] Fucking Phil, some display, huh?
Christopher: I paid a visit to Vito's comare, Jill, she hasn't heard from Vito
Christopher: [to Carlo after he walks up to them] We were just discussing La Cage Aux Fat
Carlo: [to Tony, after laughing at Christopher's joke] I was gonna get my cousin Tommy to call his detective friend. I've been hamstrung with that work stop at the office
Tony: [before shrugging] Vito shows up, he shows up, then we deal with him. If not...
Carlo: It's just a phone call, and seriously, Tommy says the guy can track somebody from the corner of shit
Tony: [jokingly] Yeah, I saw them do that on CSI
Christopher: [after Carlo leaves] Hey, I was glad to hear you say that on the search because I gotta take a little time off for some business in Cali: Little Carmine's lined up a meet for us
Tony: So, what is it? Business or time off?
Christopher: [referring to working for Tony] Time off from here but definitely business with Ben Kingsley
Tony: What'd I mean? What'd you mean? All these innuendos. You referring to me that I didn't do everything I could to keep that kid from fuckin himself up? And yeah knowing him and his family that I didn't try to be a better dad than his own dad? God rest his soul. That I didn't try to protect Jackie Jr.? That I didn't smack him around because I was so frustrated? Is that what you're trying to tell me?
Meadow: I'm through telling people you help with environmental clean up
Tony: That's not what I asked you
Meadow: Like you can talk honestly for three fucking seconds
Tony: You try me!
Meadow: I made my plans and I'm going to Europe and getting the fuck out of here
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: My future brother-in-law is causing a serious problem.
Silvio: How serious?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: He's not satisfied with the current leadership. He wants to have me popped.
Silvio: That motherfucker.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So now I gotta decide what to do about him.
Silvio: I genuinely don't think there's anything to gain by keeping him around.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Get it done.
Artie: [referring to their daughter's soccer coach after they win a game] What did I tell you? He's a beautiful, brilliant genius
Tony: [jokingly] What're you in love with him or what?
Artie: [jokingly] Frankly yes, if he steers Chiara through the college scholarships, I'll blow the guy in midfield
Tony: Oh, you will? How's chef with the dimples?
Artie: You gotta come sample the salad bar: we got a special chemical brightener, it keeps the lettuce crisp
Tony: Oh, nice
Artie: Oh, yeah, it's beautiful
Tony: [changing the subject] The offer's still there, you wanna make a little money, you put some out on the street, at two points, we split the interest?
Tony: so, I hear your taking Meadow out tonight?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: yeah
Tony: where?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: a place in the city called "Shea Josephine", they have live piano music. Harry Connick Jr. used to play there before he became famous: friend of mine's brother is a bartender there
Tony: don't you two have class tomorrow?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: she has it at two o'clock and I'm off
Tony: how many days they give you off at Rutgers?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: I got class three days a week
Tony: listen, I think you're a good kid: you show respect at my house and you come from a good family
Jackie Aprile Jr.: thanks
Tony: as far as my daughter goes, you know I only want the best for her and I'm gonna be very protective over her, you can understand that right?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: of course
Tony: so, if you want to spend time with her, I want the best from you. If you're in school, you gotta give it everything you got
Jackie Aprile Jr.: yeah, right, I know it...
Tony: [interrupts him] shut up. Listen to me, I know I've been saying this to you all along but now it's "different", you understand what I'm saying to you?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: I just got an A on my LIT paper
Tony: you did?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: Edgar Allan Poe: good writer, what a fuckin nutjob
Tony: he's the guy that did all the Vincent Price shit right?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: the guy smoked opium and married his cousin: he was from The Bronx, you believe that?
Tony: you got an A huh?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: I'm doing good Tone
Tony: just keep it that way: keep your father in mind
Jackie Aprile Jr.: [nods] I will
Tony: [stands up and hands him money] have some desert on me
Jackie Aprile Jr.: no, it's ok
Tony: take it, just don't keep her out too late
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So, what's up?
Tony: I don't know, I'm bored or something. I don't want to come here no more
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Wow, that's not the first time we've heard you say that
Tony: No offense but let's face it, this is starting to feel like a waste of time. I'm sure for the both of us
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I don't feel that way
Tony: Like the other day I'm watching this movie with Brad Pitt and that blonde Gwyneth Paltrow,
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Sliding Doors?
Tony: Fuck no, Seven. It's a good movie, I've never seen it before, but half way through it I'm thinking this is bullshit, it's a waste of my fuckin time, why do I give a fuck who the killer is? What difference is that information going to make in my life?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Very true
Tony: So, I shut it off
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Good for you, what did you do instead?
Tony: [Jokingly] went outside and burned ants with a magnifying glass
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Remains silent]
Tony: [Sensing she doesn't realize it was a joke] a little sense of humor here?
Tony: What's the matter? You still in mourning over managed care?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Go on
Tony: What's the point? You go to Italy you lift some weights, you watch a movie, It's all a series of distractions until you die
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I hear depression talking
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Becoming irritated] Well, I'm not upping my dosage. Medication, medication, medication, what do I got to show for it?
Tony: Who knows where you'd be without the medication? Anyway some people take pleasure in the simple doing of things
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: The things I take pleasure in I can't do. I'm currently trying to change my "business profile", if you know what I mean
Tony: Oh, so it's all about your legal problems?
Neil: [in the back of the Bada Bing strip club at Tony's desk] Somebody's giving grand jury testimony on something
Tony: So Carlo has flipped
Neil: We don't know but subpoenas are flying my hunch is eighty to ninety percent chance you'll be indicted, fucking gun charge I get sick when I think of it plus interstate fraud and if Carlo starts talking homicide, it's not like we haven't envisioned this day?
Tony: No, it's not
Neil: Trials are there to be won
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [repeated line to several people, referring to his mother's unexpected passing] What're you gonna do?
Carmela: [Referring to Tony had to suddenly leave to go to his mother's house the night before] you've been gone all night: half the morning. What the hell happened over there?
Tony: [after sitting down next to her on their couch in the living room] Janice decided to go back to Seattle
Carmela: Your kidding What about Richie? He must be devastated
Tony: Richie's "gone."
Carmela: What'd you mean "gone"?
Tony: [Implying Richie's been killed] "gone"
Carmela: Where?
Tony: Carmella after eighteen years of marriage, don't make me make you an accessory "after the fact."
Carmela: [Eventually realizes what his implying] an accessory "after the..."holy shit
Tony: Stop asking
Carmela: Oh my God
Tony: I took care of it
Carmela: That was not a marriage "made in heaven"
Christopher: What's going on?
Tony: The truck load the other night from Port Elizabeth: get the washing machines from Frank Cantino
Christopher: You got it, vacuum cleaners too?
Tony: No, Patsy's got a buyer for those. You been drinking?
Christopher: Me and Ade had some wine at the house
Tony: I've been wanting to talk to you
Christopher: Yeah, I've been wanting to talk to you too
Tony: I'll go first. I've got to make it my number one priority to limit my exposure to potentially damaging conversations: wire taps and shit like that
Christopher: Sure, guy in your position...
Tony: So, over the next couple years, more and more, I'm going to be giving my orders through you, and finally, only through you
Christopher: What about Sil? You got that with him, and Paulie?
Tony: Those other guys: Sil, Paulie, one thing they're not, they're not my blood. You hear what I'm saying to you? It's a matter of trust
Christopher: It's very wise
Tony: Sil's a good Consigliere and his going to continue on as such but his no fuckin spring chicken either. On the other hand there's no reason to give him a fuckin attitude either
Christopher: No, of course not
Tony: Now there's going to be a period of transition
Christopher: [Excitingly] Jesus Christ, T
Tony: You're going to take this family into the twenty-first century
Christopher: But we're already in the twenty-first century though, T
Tony: [Remains silent]
Christopher: Whatever you say T, I'll follow you into the gates of hell. That's what I was going to say to you: what you did for me, that fuck who killed my father. I'll never forget that. I only hope I'm worthy
Tony: Why wouldn't you be worthy?
Christopher: [Before hugging and kissing each other on both cheeks] I'm just saying
Tony: You bitch and you moan, and you blame everybody else for your problems. Instead of maybe not letting the Mexicans do all the cooking for you, or maybe changing the menu, or changing the decorum.
Artie: I guess because you know how to eat, you know how to run a restaurant.
Tony: On one of the bleakest nights of my life, after the shit with my mother, and that fucking storm outside, I came here. To this place. I sat out there with Carm and my two kids and we ate and we drank and we were so happy to be here. More than any other place in the world. And you know I'm gonna eat here til I fall off the chair. But in business sometimes shit happens, the playing field changes, whatever. And you gotta do whatever you gotta do to keep your dick up.
Artie: If you hate it here so much, why don't you go Don Giovanni. See if he'll cook you that bland shit for your shattered pancreas.
Tony: [pauses] Alright, I'll tell you one thing. And this is very hard. Nobody wants to hear you talk. They're trying to eat out there, and you come along, with your corny jokes, and your stupid stories. Just stay in the kitchen. That'd be a start.
[Tony, Junior, Silvio and Mikey are playing golf]
Tony: Uncle Jun's into muff.
Corrado: What?
Tony: Oh, did I say "muff"? I meant "rough".
[sniffs]
Tony: What's that smell? Did you guys go to a sushi bar?
Corrado: [to Mikey] The fuck's he talkin' about?
Tony: I thought you were a baccalà man, Uncle Jun. What are you doin' eatin' sushi?
Corrado: You fuckin' run off at the mouth, you know that?
Tony: [sings] South of the border, down Mexico Way.
Corrado: Hey listen, my friend. At least I can deal with my own problems. Unlike some I know.
Tony: What's that supposed to mean?
Corrado: Take it however you want. Don't bullshit with me.
Silvio: Hey guys, guys. We're here to play golf or what? C'mon.
Tony: [sings] South of the border where the tuna fish play.
Construction: [Tony and Silvio are looking for Vito after he's been outed as a homosexual. Tony calls Vito's cellphone. A construction worker picks the phone up off the side of the road] Hello?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [on phone] Vito?
Silvio: You got him?
Construction: [on phone] Who?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [on phone] Put Vito on the phone, asshole.
Construction: [on phone] Fuck you, motherfucker.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [on phone] What, are you sucking his dick?
Construction: [on phone] Bet I'd kick your ass, you fucking faggot.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [on phone, yelling] Yeah that's right, telephone tough guy! Put Vito on the phone!
Construction: [on phone] There ain't no Vito, man. I found the phone on the side of the road!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [on phone] What?
Construction: [on phone] Hang on a second!
[the construction worker tosses Vito's phone under a steam roller]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [on phone] Where'd you find the phone? Hello? Hello? Oh you motherfucker!
Silvio: What happened?
Christopher: [to both of them] What's up?
Tony: hey there, cous
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Guess who called me this morning?
Christopher: How'd you find me?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What, you're not gonna guess?
Christopher: Ok, who?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [beginning to talk in code, referring to Uncle Pat Blundetto] Our friend with the orchard
Christopher: No shit, is he ok?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah, sold the place, moving to Florida
Christopher: He should: his getting into his "honor years"
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [implying to the dead body Christopher buried in the area] You still got your can of peaches up there, I just had the car serviced: watch what you say
Christopher: I gotta move that shit, again?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: that development is going up there. Now, obviously, it wouldn't be good for you or our friend if somebody opened the can of fruit
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [referring to Tony Blundetto] so, you and your cousin here are gonna go up there and take care of it
Christopher: [to both of them] I'll do it
Tony: [to Christopher] I'm worried about the old guy
Christopher: [to Tony B] I told you, I'll do it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: The thing is my old man's got a few jaws up there also, it could make problems for my uncle
Tony: [to Christopher] It's gonna be a lot of work which with Louise around, it could only be done at night
Christopher: That's true
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [referring to digging up the remains and disposing them somewhere else] This thing's gotta be done in two weeks, the latest, bulldozers are coming
Tony: [Referring to his daughter Meadow] the kid was suppose to get a job this summer: an internship, then it wasn't right for what she was studying, ok that's one down then she was going to be a hostess at Artie Bucco's restaurant. I got her that and there was a problem that she couldn't work Tuesdays and Thursdays because of her babysitting commitments and Artie didn't try to understand so she left. Then the babysitting family disappeared to Nantucket, then something else fell through
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So, she's regressing
Tony: She keeps it up she'll be back "in the womb"
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Over the course of a child's life there's a constant moving away and coming back, security versus freedom but what I find interesting and if I'm hear you right, is that at the age of nineteen she actually wants to stay close to home
Tony: Well, see that's what I was going to say, she did have someone close: die
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Jackie
Tony: But she brings that up whenever you ask her to clean up or whatever, she's "traumatized"
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: He was shot to death
Tony: Yeah it's tragic that kid
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It was some kind of drug deal you said?
Tony: Yeah exactly all the "earmarks", no its got to be tough but they've broken up and he wasn't very nice to her
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Maybe it's a manipulation in part
Tony: She's got a hard on about Columbia: "it's so competitive"
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: But it doesn't mean her pain over Jackie's death isn't real. Has she said to you or Carmella she's depressed?
Tony: Oh, come on with that shit, she's going to be alright
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Maybe she should be on medication? And her anger is focused on Carmella? Not on you?
Tony: I catch some shit, we were always close even in that "fifteen year old" period where she can hardly stomach Carmella
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Well, you are the dad. The template for all future lovers
Tony: She loves me, I know that, since she was a tiny baby
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It might be helpful if she saw someone. Dr. Wendi Kobler, she's adolescent psychologist and an educational consultant
Tony: What'd you mean? Talk about private family stuff like I do here with you?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Yes
Tony: Like you said she's going back to school, be with her college pals, back to the "grindstone", that's all good shit
Tony: [Increasing Scatino's sporting goods store's debt by buying products, selling them, and not paying back the vendors] a lot of fuckin work to move some picnic coolers
Richie: Coolers are scissors, everybody wants one but have nobody has a fuckin idea how much they cost. You have a Nigerian sell these on the streets for two or three bucks a piece, who's not going to say "fuck it, give me one"
Tony: Davey, how we doing with the books of airline tickets?
David: You want to raise a red flag with the travel agency? A sporting goods store that charges airline tickets in bulk?
Tony: You say it's a promotional device" you know "customer of the year", "salesman on the month", that kind of thing, don't worry about it. You put it all on different lines of credit
David: Yeah but all of sudden I'm ordering all this weird shit. Picnic coolers, Ramosa water. When is one of these vendors realizes I'm never going to pay them and call the cops?
Richie: When your fuckin credit runs out "Diamond Jim", until then get on the fuckin horn and order unless your ready to pay the principle you owe us?
Tony: [regarding Makazian] What did he come here for? Therapy?
Debbie: You could say that.
Tony: Instead of a couch you use a bed? It's not a bad idea.
Debbie: Hey, who wouldn't want to sleep with their shrink?
Tony: ...What does that mean?
Dr. Harrison Wong: [to Tony, referring to Junior and the mental state exam] He was disoriented when he came in and scored low on his Folstein but that's consistent with concussion
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [yells] We're gonna sue the God damn Justice Department
Dr. Harrison Wong: CAT scan's negative, so far, so good
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: He didn't seem like himself
Dr. Harrison Wong: Man his age could've been working on dementia for quite a while and the blow to the head tipped him over
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You mean like Alzheimer's?
Dr. Harrison Wong: That's one form of it: that's why we want to keep him here to keep an eye on him. There's a good chance this can go away
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: [In little Carmine's living room] As you all know, Phil asked me to arrange this meeting after the fire in the Wire Room
Phil: Correction, you asked me to attend and I agreed
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: Fair enough, I'm not going to call this a "sit-down" because of the negative implications, let's think of it as "a meeting of minds". So, for whatever reasons, certain incidents have expired lately, in addition to being dangerous, it could have an adverse impact on our businesses, that's bottom line.
Phil: I know Vito's bottom was "impacted" if that's what you're referring to
Tony: Call him what you will, but you're talking about one of my captains
Phil: Captain? "The Ship Lollipop" right?
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: Phil, please
Phil: Please my ass, the man was a fucking disgrace
Tony: Before he came out of the closet he worked for me and put a lot of paper in my pocket, yours too
Phil: Talk about earners? How about "Fat Dom" Gamiello?
Silvio: What about him?
Tony: So what fuck would I know about that?
Phil: As coincidence would have it, he was last seen in New Jersey
Tony: So was the Hindenburg, maybe you should look into that too
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: Tony, Phil, please we're going off point. Remember, I grew up in all of this and I just lost my friend Rusty and if there's one thing my father taught me was this: "a pint of blood is worth more than a gallon of milk". My business, all of our businesses... this fighting is costing money.
Tony: I'm willingly to move forward, let the past be bygone
Phil: Fine with me.
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: A Wise decision, on both your parts. I love to see a truce, wipe this day clean. The no-shows, The Wire Room, Vito, put it all behind us.
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: [to Phil] your brother Billy, whatever happened there.
Tony: [standing up] Alright then
Phil: "whatever happened there.?"
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: the shooting
Phil: [raising his voice] "whatever happened there.?"
Phil: [Stands up and points at Tony] I'll tell you what happened: this piece of shit's cousin put six bullets without any provocation, what so ever.
Tony: [to Carmine] Jesus Christ, why would you possibly bring that up?
Dominic: [During Christopher's intervention] Christopher, this won't be easy for any of us I want you to know we're here today because we care about you all we ask is that you listen
Christopher: [to Adriana] was this your idea?
Dominic: [to Adriana] would you like to begin?
Adriana: [to Christopher] I love you very much, my only dream is that we have a happy life together for the last few months things have gotten very bad because you're using drugs all the time, your high all the time and I can't take it
Dominic: [to Adriana] be specific.
Adriana: When we first started going out we made love all the time now because of the drugs...
Christopher: Jesus, is this fucking necessary?
Dominic: [to Adriana] go ahead
Adriana: You can no longer function as a man, last week when I came and found you killed our dog that was the final straw
Christopher: [Referring to the dog] I fell asleep, she got suffocated
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You killed little Cosette, I ought to suffocate you, you little prick
Dominic: Tony, we're going in order
Christopher: [after Silvio reads his statement] I told you I had the flu, I can't even defend myself now?
Dominic: No one's attacking you
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Look, it doesn't change anything but I can verify he was sick for a little while, still this thing with the dog, how could you not see it on the chair?
Dominic: You're getting emotional tony
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: That's because I know what it's like to lose a pet!
Carmela: I happen to know you were high at my mother in law's wake, you were talking nonstop for twenty minutes, nothing but gibberish
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Shaking his head in disappointment] my mother's wake, Jesus Christ
Dominic: [after Paulie reads his statement] whoa, guys we said "non-judgmental"
Paulie: Fuck that, let him take his medicine
Christopher: Seriously Paulie, you want to talk about "being up"?
Paulie: Watch it Chrissy
Christopher: What? I thought we're honest here, you got some balls you know that? All of you, you want to talk about "self-control", how about you Sil? Fucking every slut you got working for you when you got a wife and kid at home how about you Paulie? You remember last year in the woods with the Russian guy?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Christopher I am fucking warning you!
Tony: [while in the elevator after meeting with Phil] you got your head up your ass today, what's going on?
Paulie: My aunt Dottie's been sick, the call I got: she just died
Tony: Oh sorry, your mom's sister or your dad's?
Paulie: Mom's
Tony: She must be broken up?
Paulie: [after they arrive on their hospital floor] here we are
Tony: I guess your brother and sister are coming in?
Paulie: Yeah
Tony: Your aunt, the nun?
Paulie: Yeah
Tony: [Referring to the coif that is worn by nuns] I always wondered, they got hair under there?
Paulie: Yeah, short
Tony: Maybe you don't want to talk about it
Paulie: Yeah
Carmela: You've heard the term "comfort food". Maybe it'll make you feel better.
Anthony: I know this is hard for you to believe, but food may not be the answer to every problem.
Tony: Neither is acting like a whiny little bitch.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [while in his driveway] hey, I want to talk to you. The fuck you were doing with that real estate sign?
Janice: Oh yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm selling Ma's house, do you understand? I want that fuckin sign in the fuckin ground and that's it: end of discussion, period!
Janice: You're so "left brained". Whether the sign's there or not, the house is still for sale. The real estate agent still has the listing
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah? Then what was the sign doing in the back of your car? And don't try to deny it
Janice: Because I'm trying to save a little money, is that alright? Do you remember Kathy Fiaola? She was in my class at Sacred Heart? With the birthmark?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Not remembering, irritated] what about her?
Janice: She's in real estate now: she said she would only charge three percent commission, that's half alright? Thousands of dollars, I mean it may not seem like a lot of money to you but maybe Ma could use it?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah? Fuck her? And next time you disappear for a week take that piece of shit and park it in the street: this isn't a fuckin hotel
Paulie: this is nice, huh? A little road trip, just you and me: all things considered of course
Tony: just like the old days
Paulie: [referring to the first person Tony killed] Willie fuckin Overall. After all these years...
Tony: yeah
Paulie: I remember driving around with that prick in the trunk looking for a spot. What was it like, a week before AJ was born, right?
Tony: no, Meadow
Paulie: nice she's gonna be a doctor
Tony: yeah
Paulie: remember we took you to Lugers after? Me, Puss, Ralphie?
Tony: [Yelling] Tony!
Tony: Jesus Christ
Salvatore: Can I talk to you?
Salvatore: [Angrily] where the fuck you been?
Salvatore: [Referring to the entrance of Tony's driveway, implying they should talk somewhere more private] we're going to talk here?
Tony: Come into the house
Salvatore: I got your word if I walk in there, I'm walking back out?
Tony: I don't see you for all this time, no word: nothing. And this is the way you come back to me?
Tony: [Eating while ignoring Ralphie when he approached the table as Christopher and Paulie stand guard nearby] you wanted to see me?
Ralph: [after he cleared his throat when he approached Tony's table so Tony will acknowledge his presence] yeah Tony
Tony: [Pretending not to know Ralphie's wrongdoings] about what?
Ralph: About what? You know, to apologize
Tony: Oh
Ralph: I was doing a lot of coke, I said some things, and I did some things that I'm sorry for. It's not going to happen again.
Tony: [Continuing to pretend not to know Ralphie's wrongdoings so Ralphie can specifically admit each one] what'd you do?
Ralph: [Eventually referring to killing the stripper Tracee in the back parking lot of Silvio's strip club] I was rude when you offered me the drink and I disrespected The Bing with the girl. Like I said I was doing a lot of coke and I gave up that up: end of story and I'm sorry Tony, ok?
Tony: [Before Ralphie shakes his head and walks away] anything else?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: If I were you, I would seriously consider salads!
[Leaves]
Bobby: Why won't you take a look in a mirror, you insensitive fuck!
Tony: What about Pussy?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [looks confused]
Tony: He's an acquaintance of mine.
Tony: [while walking down the stairs to greet Tony] look whose here, the guinea welcome wagon
Tony: [Visiting Johnny in his new house in New Jersey, jokingly] this is for you, you piece of shit. Carmella's bringing something nice for the house warming for Ginny
Johnny: [Showing Tony around his home] they call this the great room. I don't know what's so "great" about it. It's mediocre if you ask me. We got a fuckin living room right over there
Tony: I didn't know you were moving to New Jersey
Johnny: Ginny wanted to be close to her sisters and schools out here
Tony: We were sitting with Carmine all night long, you never once mentioned you bought a place in Jersey
Johnny: It's not Carmine's favorite subject me living in Jersey, it's what? Half an hour over the bridge?
Tony: Well, why didn't you tell me you were moving here?
Johnny: Why?
Tony: I've got to find out second hand?
Johnny: What'd you care? Are you working in the toll booth now? Besides I already got the condo in Point Pleasant
Tony: You should have fuckin told me
Johnny: I'm telling you now, this is strictly a place to live. I've got no intention to "stick my beak in." I mean there's our "family" then there's the Soprano "thing."
Tony: [while visiting Christopher in a motel room as he remains in hiding from Phil, referring the body of Tony Blundetto] you need to go up to the farm and pick up your cousin. You should go up there now: this morning. When you go up there, watch your back, and take him off the premises obviously. He should be buried, it should be you that does it
Christopher: [Nods] you got it
Tony: We never got a chance to talk in detail about Adriana
Christopher: I know
Tony: If you let something slip, if she saw anything
Christopher: There were a couple of times I had her with me picking up collections at the Esplanade. The cigarettes, she was always nosing around
Tony: Did you ever say anything about Ralph or the Bevilaqua kid?
Christopher: No
Tony: [Questioning Christopher's memory during that time because he was addicted to narcotics] Would you remember?
Christopher: I swear on my life
Christopher: [while Tony looks around the room and in the bathroom for drug paraphernalia] you won't any of that. I'm reading, lifting weights. I know what you think, you'll see. I'll prove myself to you. I only "chipped" that once: on the day with her. She willing to rat me out because she couldn't do five fuckin years. I thought she loved me
Tony: She's a cunt. It does no good to think about that now
Tony: [to the FBI agents sitting in a car in front of his house] Listen, I'll save you some gas. I'm just going down to the stationery store and I'll be right back. You don't gotta follow me like yesterday, all right?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: In a few weeks, we're gonna be opening up the books, again. I'm gonna propose you for membership. Congratulations.
Christopher: I earned it, too. Got no spleen, Gene.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Benny Fazio while he lays nonconscious in the hospital after being assaulted by Phil Leotardo] I want you to know this is gonna all be taken care of by the Plumbers Union health plan. I'm gonna see to that. You know what? We were talking here and I think it's time for you to get your own customers: you're getting a little too old to be beating people up
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [as AJ walks down the stairs in a military uniform] oh, Sgt. Bilko
Carmela: [Chastising him for teasing AJ] Tony
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Your right. I'm sorry. You shouldn't get too gloomy about this
Carmela: [Admiring him his appearance] My God Anthony, you know what? You look very handsome
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: She's right. You do
A.J. Soprano: Yeah, right
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Referring to the slang term for the latissimus dorsi muscles] No, I'm serious. Tight suit like that shows off your lats
Carmela: Put on the hat?
A.J. Soprano: No way
Carmela: Please? You look so cute at the store
A.J. Soprano: They're not going to sew the hat
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Put the hat on for your mother
A.J. Soprano: No!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Quickly stands up from the couch] what'd you say?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after AJ put on the hat] Now, look at that. I'm serious you look very impressive
Carmela: My God, if I wasn't already married
A.J. Soprano: [after looking at himself in the mirror] I look like a total jerk-off
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You do not. What're you crying?
A.J. Soprano: I don't want to go there
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You need toughing up
Carmela: [while trying to adjust the bottom of his slacks] stand up straight
A.J. Soprano: I'm standing fuckin straight
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Pointing at him] hey, you keep it up God damn it!
Tony: [while going through their refrigerator, referring to Janice] can she put anymore gook food in here?
Carmela: It's not that much
Tony: Soy milk this, tofu that: I hate all that shit
A.J. Soprano: Yeah me too
Meadow: [to AJ] shut up you said you liked the soy milk
A.J. Soprano: I lied, she was taking me to the video store
Meadow: I'm happy aunt Parvati is gonna stay
Tony: Oh, you mean the aunt that doesn't think you get punished enough?
Meadow: [raises her voice] that party wasn't my fault, how many fucking times do I have to say it?
Tony: [surprised by her outburst] Whoa!
Carmela: [chastising her for cursing] hey!
Carmela: [to Meadow] don't look like your gonna cry, you made your bed
Meadow: I need fifteen dollars
Carmela: Excuse me?
Meadow: The Cole Porter CD: it's for Magicals, we're doing three of their songs. You took my card remember?
Tony: [When she doesn't say anything after he gives her the money] what's your problem?
Meadow: [before leaving] nothing
Tony: [after Carmella suggested to Tony, he not visit Meadow at college following the incident he had with Noah Tannenbaum, an African American friend of Meadow's] this is about sambo right? I'm paying for that God damn college
Carmela: I don't know what's going on over there but if you want to make a big scene at your daughter's new college, then comb your hair, and come right along: embarrass her, alienate her. Or better yet, cut her off, let her drop out of there and go to a state school, or maybe move back in here
Tony: I was just trying to protect her from "herself" and I'll do that until the day I fuckin die
Carmela: I'm not gonna tell you not to come: she's your daughter
Tony: I'll probably watch the game
Junior: A mole on her ass? What's the joke? I still don't get it
Tony: It's not a joke per se, it's... you had to be there
Junior: A real lack of standards your generation. In my day John would be right, a man would never be expected to stand for a remark like that
Tony: The fucked up thing is I don't even like Ralph, if he was drowning I'd throw him a cinder block, but not protect one of my own captains? Besides its too late now anyway, Carmine gave me the nod
Junior: [While watching Who Wants to Be a Millionaire] On Johnny? That was a slippery fuck huh? Him and those big fish lips of his? Look at this: The fifth question and the poor prick used all of his life lines
Tony: John goes, Carmine's going to put himself in a position of maximum deniability
Junior: So, you make it easy for everybody, take it out of the neighborhood
Tony: Like an accident?
Junior: [Listing the causes that can kill John] accident, stick up, he can choke on a chicken wing. The important thing: Johnny disappears
Tony: Johnny out, Carmine's going to put his son in there, fuckin brain-less the second, who knows? Maybe there's an upside of Johnny going. He goes to Boston a lot to visit his father. It could happen up there
Junior: You want my advice? You'll call Lou DiMaggio, the Atwell Avenue Boys.
Tony: What? Those sick old fucks in Rhode Island?
Junior: They may be old my little nephew but those dogs can still hunt
Tony: My old man used to talk about them, something to do with drugs
Junior: Heroin back in the fifties it was raining cash with that shit. DiMaggio and his crew never saw a dime. A guy they worked for Lenny Caputo, he didn't believe in it. For fifteen years everyone and their mother was getting rich dealing H. Everyone except these guys. Their eking a living doing hits, running swag, anyway low and behold, one day Lenny get pinched for heroin trafficking. Turns out, the cock sucker was making a fortune working with the mulligan and not only that his been selling out his own guys to the Feds so he can keep his ass out on the street. DiMaggio and another guy on his crew did eight years on a murder rap
Tony: So much for loyalty huh?
Junior: You go to Rhode Island whatever you do, don't mention drugs: coke, heroin not even Tylenol
Tony: So, what happened to this Lenny prick?
Junior: [Smiles] Lou 'DiMaggio, his real name's Galina. They started calling him Lou 'DiMaggio, after the cops found Lenny and his wife's with their heads bashed in by a baseball bat. Anyway that was Lou when he still had his health
Silvio: Look, T, if my vote counts for anything, I cannot believe that Pussy would fear the can enough to hurt his friends.
Tony: That's what they said about Gravano.
Larry: Oh, Mama Livia. Come sta, darling?
Livia: Listen to him with that 'my darling'. I am nobody's darling.
Larry: [to Tony] This one here, she never disappoints, I tell ya that.
Livia: Are you still seeing your other women, Lorenzo?
Carmela: [pulls her away] Come on, Ma. Let's mingle.
Tony: Sorry. The older she gets the worse she gets.
[Tony disapproves of Meadow's new boyfriend because he is black]
Carmela: If you want her to be with him, just keep playing the race card. You're gonna drive her right into his arms.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Not if I cut off those fuckin' arms.
Tony: My wife had her doubts about Jackie Jr. and all along, I kept defending the two-faced prick
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you feel responsible for their relationship?
Tony: [referring to her previous boyfriend Noah Tannenbaum] Well, Meadow thinks she'd still be going out with the "Oreo cookie" if it wasn't for me
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Well, that's true, isn't it?
Tony: Look, the question is: what am I gonna do about Jackie? Should I tell my wife? Meadow... it'd break heart if she knew
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [before Tony abruptly gets up to leave] On another subject, I was thinking what we were talking about the last time you were here: you know your friend who was working for the federal government? Granted, I get most of my information from the movies and Bill Kurtis, but I was thinking...
Hugh: [asking Carmela, upon arriving to the Soprano home with Mary to pay their respects to the passing of Tony's mother] how's Tony taking it?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [yelling from the other room, over the phone with his sister Barbara, referring to his sister Janice not attending the funeral for their mother] oh, what the fuck? God damn fuckin bitch!
Paulie: [while on the Asbury Park boardwalk] we gonna go see your boat?
Tony: [referring to Big Pussy Bonpensiero] no, I'm just... thinking about our former "friend"
Paulie: who?
Paulie: [surprised, after Tony gestures to the ocean] him? Not me: never
Tony: me and Jackie, met him down in 95, when he got back from Boca
Paulie: oh, yeah, that crazy shit with your uncle. Junior hijacked Jackie's truck, what about it?
Paulie: [referring to Pussy becoming an FBI informant] we should've seen it then: that's all
Tony: don't waste another second on that rat fuck. I'd kill him again if I could. Tommy Angeletti is doing a rebar at the Esplanade
Paulie: yeah?
Paulie: his into me for a hundred large on college basketball. Now Ralphie is holding up the contract for more money: his got the site shutdown on a strike, Angeletti can't work
Tony: [sternly] your fuckin book against millions that are gonna roll in from the Esplanade
Paulie: I figured you'd take a side but Ralphie shouldn't come across a couple no-show and electrician jobs? I shouldn't get something out of this Esplanade?
Tony: [after thinking it over] alright, I'll talk to him
Christopher: I'm going to hell, T.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You're not going anywheres but home.
Christopher: I crossed over to the other side.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You what?
Christopher: I saw the tunnel. And the white light. I saw my father in hell.
Paulie: Get the fuck outta here!
Christopher: And the bouncer said that I'd be there, too, when my time comes.
Paulie: What bouncer?
Christopher: The Emerald Piper. That's our hell. It's an Irish bar where it's St. Patrick's Day every day forever.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Referring to Bobby Baccala] if I'd known you were going to get out so fast for this medical shit, I never would've talked to that calzone with legs
Junior: He gave me the message
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after Junior remains silent] don't fuckin pout, be grateful I'm letting you earn
Junior: What's on your mind?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after looking around in the doctor's office] how'd you "swing" this?
Junior: This Dr. Schreck is Mani Schreck's kid
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Mani the bookie's son? His cardiologist. It's not bad
Junior: The law says the Feds can't bug your doctor's office. He lets me use this place whenever I need to conduct business
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So you heard about Massarone construction?
Junior: Bacala's taken care of it. The joint fitters know he speaks for me
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It's got to go sixty forty my way
Junior: Did you do what I asked?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What'd you ask me to do?
Junior: You know, make peace
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Now you listen: enough with that shit, that woman's dead to me. You let it go
Junior: Why the fuck should I? She's my brother's wife. She doesn't realize what she says half the time
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Let's put our cards on the table here. I heard your radio debut on those tapes the Feds made at Green Grove so doesn't know what she's saying half the time, well which half did you listen to? The half that doesn't make any sense? Or the half that we know that played you like a fuckin child?
Junior: Nobody played me. She didn't know that she was setting you up to get popped. That's right, your uncle isn't as dumb you think. You, that miserable fuck Altieri the rat bastard all my capos meeting behind my back
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You let sleeping dogs lie ok? I have my reasons
Junior: I'll tell you one dog you left still barking: that fuckin Freddie Capuano that mother-less money grubbing little son of a bitch
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: The guy that owns Green Grove retirement community?
Junior: His like an old fuckin lady and has been going around telling Soprano business to anybody that'll listen. His the one that's been saying shit about you trying to whack your mother.
Tony: [to Silvio] All due respect, you got no fuckin' idea what it's like to be Number One. Every decision you make affects every facet of every other fuckin' thing. It's too much to deal with almost. And in the end you're completely alone with it all.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: get any sleep?
Carmela: couldn't
Carmela: [referring to the house they intend to buy on the Jersey Shore] we have absolutely no business getting into something like that house with AJ two years away from college
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [referring to the person he was just talking to over the phone] that was Virginia Lupo: she hasn't heard from the owner, I guess that deal's not gonna go through?
Carmela: I wonder who they are?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [angrily, after opening the Chinese takeout container] mother fuckin God damn orange peel beef!
Carmela: well, call them up, you got me the plain soup, right?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: we'll be finished eating the rest of this shit by the time he gets back
Carmela: you have to go through the order while their still here
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: what "good" does that do? They still gotta get it and come back again
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: [while entering the kitchen] what happened?
Carmela: they left out part of the order
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: call them up
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: just sit down and eat
Carmela: some things aren't meant to be
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: what're we talking about?
Carmela: I was thinking about buying your mother a house down the shore
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: un-fuckin believable
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.,36355: [chastising him for cursing] hey!
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: would we have a gym?
Carmela: it's the shore, wouldn't you want to be outdoors?
Carmela: [to AJ] forget that, your fined three dollars for the "F-word"
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: I heard dad say "mother F" when I was coming down the stairs
Carmela: his fined too, we're gonna make this policy work
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: it's too late
Carmela: [while arguing on whether to send AJ to military school] to train him to be a professional killer?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh, will you stop? Their soldiers and the United States army hardly goes to war anymore
Carmela: They were marching with rifles Tony
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: They're symbolic
Carmela: Symbolic of what?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [shouts] respect!
Carmela: He will be subjected to the discipline of kids hardly older than himself, does that seem smart? Boys his age kill frogs and small animals
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Referring to their neighbor's pet] the Cusamano's Binky? The cherry bomb with the nails, you think that was AJ?
Carmela: No, that is what I'm trying to tell you. He is still a child, his a normal child, his made some mistakes, and God knows his got a shit load to learn about life. But that does not mean I'm going to let you send him to the type of school whose whole reason for being is to make him follow orders by instilling fear
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: He thinks the world owes him a fuckin living
Carmela: [Sarcastically] what could given him that bizarre idea?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: We tried it your way for fifteen years now, validating his feelings and that fuckin school did the same thing: and what a surprise, he thinks the world runs on his feelings. Well, his going to learn how to be a man
Carmela: I will not send him to that place
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Grabbing the pillows from her implying his going to sleep on the couch for the night] oh, fuck that allow me
Carmela: [pleasantly surprised to see her, while in the kitchen] What're you doing home? Don't you have class?
Meadow: It's Friday: only in the mornings
Carmela: You got a postcard from the dentist, it's time to schedule a cleaning
Meadow: God, I just went. It smells great, what is that?
Carmela: It's a Bundt cake for AJ's fundraiser
Meadow: Nice shoes, daddy home?
Carmela: His upstairs
Carmela: What's with you? You seem...
Meadow: [interrupts her] What?
Carmela: Nothing, I don't know
Meadow: Hey, you know what I read? their making a movie with Eloise
Carmela: Really? That should be cute
Meadow: It's supposed to come out around Christmas or something: you remember at The Plaza that time, the kid kept calling her "Heloise?" And I almost got into a fight with her?
Carmela: Yes, that little Spanish girl
Meadow: She was so annoying
Carmela: I can't believe you even remember that, you were like nine or something?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [while entering the kitchen, kisses her on the cheek] Hey
Meadow: [uninterested] Hello
Meadow: [to her mother] So anyway, when it opens, we are so there: you and me
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [sarcastically to Meadow] I know your excited to see me but try to control yourself
Carmela: So, how's school? What's new?
Meadow: Caitlin's still a pain, she cries like over everything
Carmela: Probably misses her home: the poor thing
Meadow: [referring to her boyfriend Noah Tannenbaum] Thank God for Noah though, he's the only one who can calm her down. She started pulling her hair out last night when she saw a scary movie. She does it all the time now, her scalp is like all raw
Carmela: Oh my God
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [jokingly] Nothing like a straitjacket wouldn't cure
Meadow: [sarcastically] Sorry, I forgot it's Mr. Sensitivity who doesn't have any problems of his own
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm agreeing with you
Meadow: [before leaving] Like you have a clue
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [irritated] Jesus Christ, what the fuck already?
Carmela: [referring to the conflict between Tony and Meadow] Cut her some slack, she's under a lot of strain and you did start this
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [referring to Noah] Did you see? How I didn't rise to the bait? The mulligan? A lot of good it did me, does anybody!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [when Carmela ignores him] It's still going on
Johnny: [During Allegra's wedding reception] obviously I couldn't visit you in the hospital, when I heard what happened I was devastated
Tony: [Eventually asking how much Allegra's wedding's cost] that's life huh? Seriously what's the damages here? What am I in for with Meadow?
Johnny: Not counting the honeymoon? Four twenty-five
Tony: So adjusted for inflation I'm looking at "half a rock"
Johnny: It's all for it, what we put in? The grind? For things like this? Listen I heard Phil came to see you?
Tony: [Noticing the US Marshall's escorting John are standing nearby, realizing they need to go somewhere else to talk] let's go say hello to your dad
Tony: [after greeting John's father and sitting down at their table] I'm going to say a few things and these pricks are watching, I'm going to make it look like I'm talking to your dad and them
Tony: [Referring to the hit on Rusty] What you asked me to do, with the little guy, I can't do it
Johnny: This fuckin prick, his disruptive. He doesn't have the balls to step up himself
Tony: So just keep him away from Phil
Johnny: His a "cancer", I can't let it spread
Tony: Well, your going to have to use one of your own "doctors"
Johnny: Oh I'd love to, believe me. But my position isn't completely solidified. When Carmine died, Rusty could've been boss, he should've been but he didn't want the responsibility
Tony: Like I advised you, say no more, it's too fuckin late now anyway
Johnny: I need your help Tony, some of these guys, my captains. If they find out I'm behind the move against them it'd make things worse. I can't take that risk while I'm in jail
Tony: So I'm supposed to put myself at risk? Share the same fuckin jail cell as you? Forget it John
Johnny: It's Allegra's wedding, the way things are, I don't know if I'll be around for Catherine's
Tony: Look I know your going through a rough time right now alright?
Johnny: Then do me this favor
Tony: OK I'll take care of it
Johnny: I won't forget it
Carmela: [referring to the makeup on Christopher's face during his funeral] They did a beautiful job on him
Carmela: [after taking a deep breath] I'm gonna go up
Tony: I'll go up later
Carmela: How are you doing?
Tony: It's tough
Carmela: Yeah, he loved you so much
Tony: Yeah?
Carmela: You know he did
Tony: [referring to Phil Leotardo, who just insulted Tony's crew and left the room] Was that fuckin' necessary? He shouldn't even have been here!
John: He's got a right to be here. He's got a right to *a lot* of things right now.
Tony: [referring to Tony Blundetto] My cousin acted alone. I did not sanction this.
John: [referring sarcastically to JFK assassination] The "lone gunman" theory.
Tony: You know how close he and Angelo were in the can. He flipped the fuck out!
John: When he whacked Joey Peeps, what flipped him out that time?
Tony: Whaddaya, whaddaya want, John? What do you want me to say?
John: I want your cousin on a FUCKING SPIT!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [having Sunday dinner, Tony is upset by a remark by Uncle Junior] Get your coat! We're leaving!
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: I don't have a coat.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well, then get moving, goddamn it!
[Christopher is stoned]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Been wanting to talk to you.
Christopher: Yeah, been wanting to talk to you too.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'll go first. I gotta make it my number one priority to limit my exposure to potentially damaging conversations and wiretaps, shit like that.
Christopher: Sure, guy in your position.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So, over the next couple of years, more and more, I'm gonna be giving my orders through you, and then finally only through you.
Christopher: And what about Sil? You got that with him and Paulie.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Those other guys, Sil, Paulie... one thing they're not: they're not my blood. You hear what I'm saying to you? It's a matter of trust.
Christopher: That's very wise.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Sil's a good consigliere, he's gonna continue on as such, but he's no fucking spring chicken either. On the other hand, there's no reason to be giving him a fucking attitude either.
Christopher: No, course not.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: There's gonna be a period of transition.
Christopher: Jesus Christ, T.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You're gonna take this family into the twenty-first century.
Christopher: We're already in the twenty-first century, though, T...
[Tony looks at him, confused]
Christopher: Whatever you say, T. I'd follow you into the gates of hell.
Tony: [after entering his office] "Hey", yourself, what the fuck John?
Johnny: I got nothing to say
Tony: You got nothing to say?
Tony: [Referring to Donny K. after John assaulted him] the fuckin kid is in intensive care
Johnny: I thought he worked for Ralph?
Tony: And Ralph works for me, so I ask you again, what the fuck?
Johnny: Let's suffice that I know and Carmine knows that "boppy" cocksucker is holding out on us: Fernandez Paving, Ralph's contracting company. My guy went over the receipts for the water proofing at the Esplanade, this fuckin Ralph is more creative than Spielberg. His off almost four grand, third time in a row now. We agreed no looting the job site
Tony: First of all, that hasn't been established, second of all, this is how you handle it?
Johnny: Consider it a "message."
Tony: His in Miami, they got phones down there the last time I checked
Johnny: His got a bad history Tony, cute cocksucker could wind up dead
Tony: What're you saying here?
Johnny: His a two-faced fuckin prick
Tony: I thought Ralph was your friend?
Johnny: Right, that's rich, did you hear what my "friend" said about my wife? Made a crack about Ginny's weight, something about her having a ninety pound mole on her ass?
Tony: Well, that's deplorable. Who told you this?
Johnny: What's important is that it was said
Tony: If he did say it, I didn't hear it because he knows better to make a remark like that when I'm around
Johnny: She's fighting a weight problem since the kids were born: Weight Watchers, Richard Simmons, fasting, she works very fuckin hard
Tony: You telling me how hard it is?
Johnny: It's different for women, body image, and self-esteem. I'll you though, I never had a problem with Ginny's weight: to me she's beautiful. "Rubenesque." That woman is my life. To think she's being mocked
Tony: Alright John I'm not going to sit here and deny that Ralph could be a fuckin asshole and that was a horrible thing to say. Well even if it was said, you can't be serious about him winding up you know...
Johnny: She's the mother of my children
Tony: I know she is John. I know she is. At least hear Ralph out? How long we go back? All of us?
Johnny: The kid last night: he was laughing
Tony: About this?
Johnny: I don't know
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Meeting privately, referring to him going on a diet] I think it's time you started seriously considering salads
Bobby: [confused] What'd you mean?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [while Bobby leans on Tony's SUV] what do I mean? I mean get off my car before you flip it over you fat fuck
Bobby: [after handing Tony an envelope of cash, referring to staging a riot at the construction site] Junior wants to know when?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Tomorrow morning: we're short a couple of guys so make sure your there
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Before driving away] consider it exercise
Bobby: Fat fuck, why don't you look in the mirror sometime, you insensitive cocksucker?
Carmela: I think you should pay him, Tony
Tony: No fucking way!
Carmela: What, your daughter's future isn't worth 50,000 dollars?
Tony: [refusing to donate money to Meadow's university] That's not it. That motherfucker's full of shit. He's shaking me down
Carmela: No, he's not
Tony: Oh, yeah? Who knows more about extortion, me or you?
Tony: So, I saw my uncle Jun, he says hello
Fran: [surprised] Junior? Jesus, how's he doing?
Tony: I don't know if you know it, he was always a little hot for you
Fran: He was practically a stalker
Tony: He said he suffered in silence
Fran: [doubtful] Suffered in silence? He used to sulk outside my building at all hours: weird phone calls. I always had a hunch he'd tell Livia about me and Johnny
Tony: Jesus Christ
Fran: She was a handsome woman, your mother, not sexy exactly but statuesque
Carmela: [in the backyard of their home] Holsten's is the consensus
Tony: Alright I've got to see some people, I'll meet you there
Tony: What you lose a little weight?
Agent: Ah...
Vito: You look good. Atkins, right?
Agent: I caught a parasite over there. Doctors don't know what it is.
Christopher: What do they eat, tabooli?
Agent: Actually that's why I'm here. I been dyin' for a Satriale's veal parm hero.
[walks in]
Christopher: Fuck him. I hope that parasite eats his asshole out.
Tony: [shrugs] Kinda feel bad for the guy.
Tony: [after walking up to Christopher and Silvio, Who are talking privately] what's up?
Silvio: A little business
Tony: Like what?
Silvio: Why? You wanna hear this?
Silvio: [safter Tony nods] I was just saying how we have to give a bigger percentage to the union guys and the customs guys
Tony: You're shitting me, right? That's what you guys came up with?
Silvio: Everybody seems pleased with the: arrangement
Tony: God damn it, now I'm gonna have to go down there and go see every fuckin' body from the harbor master on down which is exactly what I was trying to avoid
Silvio: You wanted me to negotiate, that's what we'll do
Tony: Don't make me go down there. I'm tryin to free myself up and do a little global thinking
Christopher: [before Tony walks away] Right
Jack: [while giving him a painting of the Rat Pack] I saw this and I thought of you
Tony: [surprised] Oh, look at that
Jack: A little gift to show my gratitude for all our work together
Tony: [shakes his hand, referring to the images of Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and Sammy Davis, Jr] Thanks. Look at those guys: they had sometime
Jack: You know we're gonna finally cut the ribbon for the museum on the twenty second? Their gonna ask me to make a speech on the challenges of contemporary urban development
Jack: [after placing his order with the waitress] listen, my buddy in City Planning says they pulled the permit to turn the old bus into a mixed use but the thing is Zellman hasn't given me a number, has he said anything to you about another bid?
Tony: We don't talk much, take your hat off: relax
Jack: yeah, I just started Rogaine, do you think you can ask Ron if this falls under the same arrangement?
Tony: [points to his desert] Kind of soggy if you want to know the truth
Jack: [nervously] This is federal redevelopment
Tony: I'll look into it
Tony: [after the waitress brings Jack's order to the table] So, a speech huh?
Jack: Yeah
Tony: [referring to the name of their construction project] The Museum of Science and Trucking
Jack: I just wish my mother could've seen it
Tony: Well, whenever she is, I'm sure she's proud
Jack: Actually, I do know exactly where she is and it's pretty fuckin hot
Tony: You had one of those too huh?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Why are you making me do this, you fat, fucking, miserable piece of shit?
Tony: [to Livia's Trinidadian caretaker] Listen, let's get one thing straight. In the hours you're here taking care of my mother, no ganja. OK?
Tony: It's good to be in something from the ground floor. I came too late for that and I know. But lately, I'm getting the feeling that I came in at the end. The best is over.
Tony: Uncle Jun, how was Boca?
Corrado: Wonderful. I don't go down enough.
Carmela: That's not what I heard.
Janice: You have every right to be mad at me... and I apologize, I know it's bad for the family, for business but I'm working on it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah, I know, Bobby told me. So, how's that going?
Janice: Anger management? It's the best thing that ever happened to me: it's such a relief to let go of all that shit. I never realized how much of an angry person I was and how it "fed" itself
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So, they got you on tranquilizers?
Janice: No. Basically, it's taking responsibility for your anger and you learn to recognize your "feelings" and that their just "feelings", you don't have to "act" on "them"
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: That's just what people want so they can walk all over you
Janice: A lot of anger is "self-importance"
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [confused] Self-importance?
Janice: Problems with authority
Carmela: [after meeting with AJ's principle and football coach to discuss his punishment for vandalizing the swimming pool] you completely sold us out in there
Tony: what'd I do?
Carmela: they're not punishing him at all and you went right along with it
Tony: I suggested detention
Carmela: that whole "thing" was a disgusting charade so the freshman football team can win the big game
Tony: we've been waiting for years for him to get off the couch, this is good for him
Carmela: oh, please
Tony: we should keep this in the family: punish him at home, he ain't getting off that easy
Christopher: Frankly, Tone, I'm thinking maybe we should meet Phil's number.
Tony: Why? I think that would set a terrible precedent right now. Just bend over? When he just became boss of the family over there?
Christopher: Yeah, well, that's the flying ointment. Even still, I say let him have it. Life's too short.
Tony: It's also too short to live it as a fuckin' lackey.
Christopher: True, too.
Carmela: If you stop now, it'll be that much harder to get back on track
Tony: Your mother's right
Carmela: just out of curiosity, what're you planning on using for money?
Meadow: Cheap tickets' is running a sale, I can cash in the bonds nana gave me: most likely I'll be working
Tony: [sarcastically] Oh yeah, on some student film
Meadow: It's not a student film, it's a feature on DV-CAM: he got honorable mention at the Winnipeg Film Festival last year for his short
Tony: Forget money, what about security? You think traipsing around Europe is the smart move these days?
Meadow: Like Europe is any less safe than here? Look, you don't seem to get it. I keep having images of Jackie April lying in a pool of his own blood in some street somewhere
Carmela: So, French discos drive away sad thoughts?
Meadow: You've never heard of the restorative nature of travel? Read Henry James. Why does every college have junior year abroad if there isn't a need for it?
Carmela: Then why don't you wait for junior year? It's eight months
Meadow: Because I need it now
Tony: [irritated] You want to go to Europe? Go! Clear your head, do whatever the hell they do over there
Meadow: Thank you, I will
Carmela: [to Tony] Don't you think she should talk to someone first? A counselor maybe?
Tony: Maybe the college of hard knocks is what she needs? Let's see how she likes it when some gypsy lifts her wallet, let her find out you can't work over there without a permit like the French hang onto like their balls
Tony: [when she arrives home] where you been?
Carmela: went to Merola's, I left you a message: the annual Christmas toy drive
Tony: how was it?
Carmela: it was nice: we gave an Xbox. So, Stan Klimick was there, Ruth's husband, he works for Kroll
Tony: the private I's?
Carmela: [nods] he does their computers. Anyway, I was telling him about Ade and he said we should hire professionals to track her down
Tony: [amused, chuckles] Carm...
Carmela: [interrupts him] it's not as expensive as you think: he gave me his card
Tony: look, it's not about the money, did you ever think that maybe it's an "intrusion" into Ade's personal life?
Carmela: what if she's in trouble? Stan said they had this case once this guy ran out on his child support. He was a hiking enthusiast and they tracked him down to a watering station in the Mojave Desert
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Talk about a jolt to the system. Try gettin' shot at. It'll give you a nice kick start.
[pauses]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know, when i was depressed, i said i didn't wanna live. Well, i'll tell you somethin'. I didn't wanna die. Every fuckin' particle of my bein' was fightin' to live.
Tony: You know, you got a reputation for immaturity, and its not gonna be improved by not paying the tributes the acting boss demands of you.
Brendan: Acting boss my ass Tone. Come on, everybody knows you really run things since Jackie became the "Kemo Sabe."
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [about his father] He'd been in prison. He was away when I was a little kid. They told me he was in Montana, being a cowboy.
Annalisa: You don't want to fuck me?
Tony: Yeah, I do. But I don't shit where I eat.
Annalisa: Que cosa?
Tony: [in broken Italian] Non fare la merdo dove... It's bad business. We're in business.
[after hearing bad news, Tony and Carmela need to relocate hidden money, guns and...]
Tony: All right. You'd better give me your jewelry.
[Carmela sighs with chagrin]
Tony: Hey, they know we can't produce receipts. You want 'em stealing this stuff from us?
[after Carmela removes her necklace, Tony points to her diamond ring and Carmela balks]
Tony: Come on.
Carmela: I'm not giving you my engagement ring. This isn't stolen!
[beat, then frown]
Carmela: Is it?
Tony: No!
[beat]
Tony: What do you think I am?
[Carmela sighs again]
Christopher: [on Ralph] That poor fucking guy.
Paulie: Fuck him and his alligator tears.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Please, his kid's in a hospital, a little fucking sympathy!
Paulie: That gives him a pass? I don't care if he's got a hundred kids in the hospital with arrows in their heads, he's a piece of shit! You know it, and I know it.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Are you still taking your medication?
Tony: Off and on
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You should either take it or don't take it ok?
Tony: [Nods]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: In the coffee shop you mentioned you had a panic attack that led to an automobile accident?
Tony: It seems like years ago
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You mean you're so busy? Or you mean you're angry with me for not agreeing to treat you then?
Tony: I found out a little "medical history". My old man had the same thing: panic attacks followed by passing out. Cracked his head on a cigarette machine
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Interesting
Tony: Interesting? That's it? You're not going to send me for tests or something? Did you read the article in The Times?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Anthony, what is it you want to "achieve" here
Tony: What I want to "achieve"? I want to stop passing out. I want to stop panicking. I want to direct my power and my anger to the people that deserve it. I want to be in total control
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: There's no such thing as "total control."
Tony: Of course there is
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You want to be a better gang leader? Read The Art of War by Sun Tzu
Tony: You know what? Fuck you, you know who I am and you know what I do. You called me. You know where I was when you called?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I don't know
Tony: I was outside a whore house where a guy who works for me was beating the shit out of someone who owes me money, broke his arm. Put a bullet in his knee cap
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: How'd that make you feel?
Tony: I wished it was me in there
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Getting the beating or taking it?
Tony: [Smiles, remains silent]
Peter: He often has difficulty waiting his turn, is often quote unquote, "on the go" or acts if driven by a motor. Often interrupts or intrudes on others. And often fidgets with hands or feet.
Tony: He fidgets with hands or feet?
Peter: That's right.
Tony: You mean, like, he fidgets?
Peter: Uh-huh.
Tony: And that's a sickness, to fidget?
Peter: Mr. Soprano, it's one of nine possible symptoms.
Tony: What constitutes a fidget?
Carmela: Tony...
Tony: No, no, what constitutes a fidget? I mean, so what if he fidgets? He's in school. Who doesn't fidget in school? And he doesn't wait his turn? The kid's in puberty, he gets a hard-on every ten minutes, for chrissake.