The Best Bobcat Goldthwait Quotes

Hades: Stirring performances, boys. I was really moved.
Panic: "Jeepers, Mister"?
Pain: I was going for innocence.

Zelda: Maybe if we're nice to Merlin, he'll feel sorry for us and let us go. So let's not antagonise him.
Hilda: Good plan. Dead magician walking.
Merlin: How is everyone? Got everything you need?
Salem: No, no, we're fine. Now that I think about it, I could use a little freedom.
Merlin: So have you decided to love me again?
Zelda: I'd rather lick a dead seal.
Hilda: Am I the only one who remembers the plan?
Merlin: Excuse me...
Hilda: Oh, shut up, conehead. It can't be done.

Hades: I can't believe this guy! I throw everything I've got at him, and it doesn't even...
[Hades notices Pain is wearing Air-Hercs]
Hades: What... are... those?
Pain: Um, I don't know. I-I thought they looked kinda dashing...
Hades: [slowly burns up] I've got 24 hours to get rid of this... bozo, or the entire scheme I've been setting up for 18 years goes up in smoke, and YOU ARE WEARING HIS MERCHANDISE?
[Hades hears a noise, and sees Panic slurping some "Herculade"]
Panic: [chuckles nervously] Thirsty?
[Hades screams, and blows up a volcano]

Wolf: [Frankenswine grabs the wolf by the throat] Oh Mr. Monster don't eat me oh please, I forgot to mention my horrible skin disease!
[points at his flea bitten tail]
Wolf: Hey that rhymed.

Merlin: Why don't you stay a while?
Zelda: How long a while?
Merlin: Until you love me again.
Hilda: How about if I love you?
Salem: Or me? I can be quite tender.

Panic: "Hercules." Why does that name ring a bell?
Pain: I don't know. Um, maybe we owe him money?
Panic: Wait, wasn't Hercules the name of that kid we were supposed to...?
Panic,30568: Oh, my Gods!
Pain: Run for it!
[Hades seizes them and chokes them]
Hades: So you took care of him, huh? "Dead as a doornail." Weren't those your exact words?
Pain: This might be a different Hercules!
Panic: Yeah. I mean, Hercules is a very popular name nowadays.
Pain: Remember like a few years ago, every other boy was named Jason and the girls were all named Britney?
Hades: I'm about to rearrange the cosmos... and the one schlemiel who can louse it up... is waltzing around IN THE WOODS!

Panic: He's not gonna be happy when he gets outta there.
Pain: You mean, IF he gets outta there.
Panic: 'If.' If is good.

Dick: [backstage, while a baton twirler is singing 'Camptown Races'] Amateur night. Boy, you said it. Sounds like a cat in heat.
Billy: I think she's pretty good.
Dick: Big tits. That's the secret to amateur night. Always be sure you got big tits. Otherwise, you're sunk.

Hades: Pain. Panic. Got a little riddle for ya. How do you kill a god?
Pain: [sounds assertive at first] I do not... know.
Panic: You can't... they're immortal?
Hades: Bingo, they're immortal. So the first thing we gotta do is make the little sunspot... mortal.

Pain,18810: [disguised as kids trapped in a rockslide] Somebody call IX-I-I.

Hades: Pain!
Pain: Coming, your most lugubriousness.
Hades: Panic!
Panic: Oh, sorry. I can handle it.
[Runs down the stairs; trips and crashes into Pain; they tumble down the stairs; Pain is now stuck to Panic's horns]
Pain: Pain - Ow!
Panic: And Panic - eechk!
Pain,18810: ...reporting for duty!
Hades: Fine, fine, fine. Just inform me the minute the Fates arrive.
Panic: Oh, they're here!
Hades: [shouting] WHAT? The Fates were here and you didn't tell me?
Pain,18810: [grovel] We are worms!
[as they grovel, they turn into worms]
Pain,18810: Worthless worms!
Hades: Memo to me, Memo to me: Maim you after my meeting.

Michael: [after he has been mocking Dougie Max] Shut up. Shut up. Don't you get it? Are you that stupid? I am making fun of you. I'm the lowest common denominator in comedy when I do that crap. The only way I could get you to stop laughing now is if I went to every single table and slit every one of your throats. I can see that I'm getting the red light, ladies and gentlemen, and that means it's time for me to stop.
[singing]
Michael: Stop with the hate and stop with the fear.
[stops singing]
Michael: Stop with the lies.
[starts to walk down the aisle]
Michael: Comedy, uh, comedy is supposed to be about the truth. You know, uh, I killed tonight. And I, uh, killed, uh, two nights ago. Dougie Max. Uh... on this stage. 'Cause I despised everything he stood for. Dumb people, like you. You think I did a disservice to the world by killing Dougie Max? You ought to give me a parade. But the shame of it is... is that uh, an innocent kid got killed too and, uh, I blame you.
[points to Grissom]
Michael: Yeah, I, uh, I didn't think you were going to get the joke.
Gil: Oh, I got it. It just wasn't funny.