600 Best Buddy Ebsen Quotes

Daisy: Even my shotgun didn't stop him! I tell you, Jed, he's so big that he can't walk through that door!
Jed: Well, then stay in the house, you got nothin' to worry about.

Milburn: You see, here in the city, things move at a faster pace than you're used to back in the hills. Back there, if you liked someone, you'd probably invite them to take a walk on Sunday afternoon, shoot them a rabbit or something, but out here, you have to shower them with gifts and attention. Now in addition to the flowers and candy, I've taken the liberty of picking these out for you.
[shows him some jewelry]
Jed: Mr. Drysdale?
Milburn: And some perfume.
Jed: Mr Drysdale?
Milburn: Yes?
[Jed hands the gifts back]
Jed: Just shoot me a rabbit.

Daisy: And there's Elly May, with the prettiest figure that ever came outta the hills.
Jed: That's the truth. She got more curves than a goat path.

Attorney: This is a complaint, Mr. Clampett. In fact it's a copy of the one delivered into your hands.
Jed: Is that a complaint?
Attorney: It is. Why didn't you answer?
Jed: Would you mind readin' that first line there?
Attorney: "The People of the State of California send greetings to J. D. Clampett."
Jed: That just didn't seem like no complaint to us. And as for answerin' it, well, Jethro says there's purt'near 198 million in Californy. We just couldn't hardly see how we could get around to greetin' 'em all back.

Jed: Granny promised me she wouldn't scrap no more.
Daisy: I'm retirin' undefeated.

Daisy: We hadn't oughta let that critter doctor court Elly May.
Jed: Why not?
Daisy: Cuz he's the one that give her all these. If he come courtin' her regular, we'll end up with more varmints than the zoo.
Jed: Now look on the bright side, Granny. She's got everything, ain't no new ones he can give her.

Jed: [about Johnny Poke] The boy used to lay around the cabin so much, his Ma had to dust him.

Jed: You fixin' to go wadin'?
Elly: No sir, Pa.
Daisy: Well your skirt is short enough for it.
Jed: That's a fact. You're showin' more meat than a butcher's window.
Elly: Oh! This here's whatcha call a mini skirt.
Daisy: Minnie who?
Jed: Sure can't be Minnie Pearl.

Milburn: I wanted to explain about this priceless chandelier. It was designed and made for Louis XV, hung in the Hall of Mirrors at Versailles. Napoleon Bonaparte planned campaigns by the light of that chandelier. Talleyrand used it, Wellington, Disraeli, Bismarck, Wilson
Jed: Mr. Drysdale, we're just plain folk. We don't mind a few things being second hand.

Jed: Mr. Drysdale, did anything happen to Granny?
Milburn: I'll say. She had the winners of the 5th, 6th, and 7th races. Blew it all on the 8th.

Jethro: Will y'all stop worryin'. You're travellin' with an educated man.
Elly: You only gradiated 6th grade.
Jed: Elly, you can't fault twelve years of schoolin'.

Jethro: Doggone it, Uncle Jed, I bet you ol' Double Naught Seven wouldn't let nobody swat him on the seat of his britches and send him runnin' for beans and fatback.
Jed: Ol' Double Naught Seven ain't never run into Granny.

Edythe Brewster: I'm very anxious to meet the Clampetts. John has told me of their transformation from backwoods hillbillies to Beverly Hills millionaires.
John: I'm only sorry you couldn't have seen them the way they looked 3 years ago back in those hills. I'll never forget Mr. Clampett when he opened the door of that cabin. He looked like he hadn't shaved for 3 days, he had on an old beat-up hat, faded blue jeans, a torn coat. He was carrying a jug of mountain dew.
Jed: [Jed answers the door looking like he hasn't shaved in 3 days, wearing an old beat-up hat and faded blue jeans, and carrying Granny's jug] Well howdy folks.

Granny: That there fella's from the peetroleum company.
Jed: What's a peetroleum?
Granny: I dunno. He asked me if he could do some wildcattin' down by the slough. I said "Help yerself, we're glad to get rid of the critters"

Daisy: She's from one of those fur'n nations.
Jed: Which one?
Daisy: Minneapolis... Wisconsin.

Jed: [Elly May calls her chimp 'Cousin Bessie'] You hadn't ought to call that critter 'cousin', Elly.
Elly: But why not?
Jed: Well, you see, Jethro's your cousin and that puts Jethro and her in the same... well, never mind. I reckon I just gotta get used to bein' a monkey's uncle.

Jed: Excuse me Mr. Ransohoff.
Marty: Marty, Marty.
Jed: Well come on Marty Marty. Once Granny pulls the bung on that cider, it evaporates awful fast.

Jed: Granny has just got a powerful hankerin' for that big fat hawg of yours.
Milburn: Well I'm sorry, but she's in Boston for a week.

Milburn: Twenty years ago on this date, I took over the presidency of the Commerce Bank. So I declared a bank holiday and all the employees have the day off.
Jed: But the bank ain't even open today. It's Saturday.
Milburn: Yes. What a shame it falls on the weekend.

Milburn: Mr. Clampett, that girl is a stripper!
Daisy: What's a stripper?
Milburn: Someone who takes off their clothes.
Jed: What's wrong with that?
Milburn: Well, she takes them off every night.
Jed: Well, I don't sleep in my clothes neither.

Shorty: Congratulate me, Jethro. I'm marryin' into your family.
Jethro: Is that true, Uncle Jed?
Jed: It sure is. Shorty put it on paper and slipped it under his lady love's door. Congratulations Shorty, Granny's gonna make you a dandy wife.
Shorty: D-D-Did he say G-G-Granny?
Jethro: That's what he said.
Shorty: Oh Lordy! I slipped it under the wrong d-d-do, I blew it.

Jed: Sounds like Granny and Pearl is after the same feller.
Elly: Yes sir. They is fightin' out front. I best go help the loser.
Jed: Who's losin'?
Elly: Mr. McKeegan.

Jed: Granny, fetch the guns. We're headed for the beach.
Daisy: We gonna fight the grunions?
Jed: You betcha.

Mr. Pinckney: You're setting a fine example for young Master Jethro.
Jed: Come on, young Mosster Jethro.

Granny: Is she gittin' a hold of herself, Jed?
Jed: No Granny, so fer it's mostly me.

Jed: I know yer a city feller, but dressin' a hog is a lot different than dressin' a person.
Milburn: You can say that again. It took me half an hour to get his pants on.

Jewelry: Now, this is the engagement ring.
Jethro: Thank you.
Jewelry: You might, in a subtle way of course, let the bride know that she is getting ten perfect carats.
Jed: Well that's mighty nice of you.
Daisy: Nice, my foot. After the money you spent, he could at least send her a smoked ham.
Jewelry: And here are madame's lovely earrings and necklace.
Daisy: How many carrots did I git?
Jewelry: About fifty, but of course they're not perfect.
Daisy: Well in that case, I'll take turnips.
Jewelry: And for mademoiselle, this beautiful diamond bracelet.
Elly: Do I get some carrots too?
Jewelry: Oh yes indeed, about thirty.
Jed: You sure are generous with your vegetables.
Jewelry: So are you, sir. You're going to be sending me a lot of cabbage.
Jed: I am?
Jewelry: Yes, cabbage is money.
Jed: Well, your store, but I'll be dogged if I see how you stay in business.

Jed: Mark's fixin' to leave.
Daisy: He can't leave, with Elly in that condition.
Jed: What condition?
Daisy: Single.

Jed: Elly, I wish you'd wear a dress. How do you expect to get a fella when you look like one yourself?
Elly: Ah gee whiz, Pa.
Jed: Maybe she'll listen to you. Tell her she looks like a feller.
Shifty: Mr. Clampett, I have bent the truth in my day, but that would be ridiculous.

Jed: They ain't got no snow out there. You could run your still the year round.
Daisy: I run it the year round here.
Jed: Yeah, but walkin' down through the snow to the still always makes you feel so miserable.
Daisy: I might feel miserable walkin' down, but the way I feels comin' back makes up fer it.

Granny: Elly May done popped the buttons off her shirt again.
Jed: Elly May carries herself proud with her shoulders throwed back.
Granny: It ain't her shoulders that have been poppin' these buttons.

Elly: Pa, ain't you gonna marry up with that city woman?
Jed: No Elly. Us old foxes is trap-shy, especially when the bait goes to chasin' us.

Jed: Granny will cut taxes?
Jethro: Yes sir, that's a real popular campaign promise. Everybody from mayor to president makes that one.
Jed: But Granny ain't... well I reckon she can keep it about as good as the others have.

Jed: [Colonel Dumbarton is playing "Turkey in the Straw" on the bagpipes] I wonder how he know that tune.
Daisy: It's the tonic, Jed.

Doug: Miss Richards is buying the house.
[hands a tip to Jed, Granny, and Elly May and leaves]
Elly: Ten, twenty, thirty dollars.
Daisy: Is this all they're offering for the place?
Jed: I don't hardly think so. I don't know what we paid for it but I believe that it would top this.

Jed: Now Jethro is uncommon fond of Granny's smoked crawdads. I'll catch 'em. Granny, you go to smoke 'em, and if that boy is within vittle-smellin' range, which is about 20 miles, he'll come a runnin'.

Radio: Mr. Clampett, you're on the radio.
Jed: Oh, I'm sorry.
[Jed stands up]
Jed: I thought it was just a pile of lumber.

Jed: Sold me Canada for $80 million and a handful of cash.
Daisy: You bought Canada, Jed?
Jed: It's Jethro that deserved the credit. Hadn't been for him, I mighta would up with Borneo. Mr. Drysdale, why don't you and Miss Jane...
[Mr. Drysdale has passed out]
Jed: Well Doggies! All it takes to catch him up on his sleep is a little good news.

Jed: She's got plenty of witnesses that heard you say the two of you ought to get married.
Shorty: I still say we ought to get married, maybe not to one another.

Elly: Sure am glad we brought the truck to London. It's dandy for sight-seein'.
Daisy: Yeah, and we're the sight everybody is seein'. You see how folks are starin' and pointin' at us. They know we run out on the feud.
Jed: Now Granny.
Jed: She's right, Uncle Jed. Ain't no other reason they'd be laughin' at us.

Jethro: Somethin' go wrong with the bridge game?
Elly: Sho'nuff did! Granny got riled and busted it up.
Jed: What riled you, Granny?
Granny: Well first off, them other women wanted me to put my cards down on the table so all of them could see 'em.
Jed: That don't hardly seem fair.
Granny: Of course it don't and when I asked them why, they said, "Because you're the dummy."

Daisy: The way you was showin' off, you'll never get outta her clutches.
Jethro: She got you in her clutches, Uncle Jed?
Jed: Course not. I just took the woman dancin' one night. That don't hardly put me in her clutches.
Daisy: Ha! She's got her painted finger nails in you like a fistful of fish hooks!

Jethro: Uncle Jed, Granny, Looky here what I got. I just captured me the first prisoner.
Jed: Turn her loose!
Jethro: But she's one of the bank people! Maybe she can get our money for us.
Granny: Can you?
Janet: No I can't!
Jane: I can Jethro, capture me!

Jed: Make us proud of you, Jethro.
Jethro: Oh, by the way, that ain't my name no more. Us movie stars gotta use tough-soundin' names like Biff Steel, Crunch Hardtack, Race Burley.
Daisy: You got one?
Jethro: I thought myself up a dandy, Beef Jerky.

Jed: You hadn't ought to yell at him, he's a government man.
Daisy: Fine government man you are. Ha! I bet you can't even find my still.

Jane: Granny, Mr. Clampett, what a pleasant surprise.
Milburn: Welcome, welcome, we are honored by your presence.
Daisy: Was we supposed to bring presents?
Jed: I reckon so.

Jed: Oh, you got yerself a girlfriend, huh?
Jethro: Yeah, we's gonna be married, live in a fine covered cottage and have scads of kids and live happy ever after... if I could work out just one problem.
Jed: What's that?
Jethro: She hates me.

H.H.H. Jones: [Elly May is in the bear pen at the zoo] Oh, I can't look. One hug from those powerful arms could kill you.
Jed: Don't squeeze too hard, Elly May! Mr. Jones is worried you might hurt his bear.
Elly: Alright, Pa.

Jed: Tell me, is the bank missin' any girls? I mean, Jethro might have toted one off.

Jed: [checking the Map to Movie Star Homes] Let's see who they got here... Joan Crawford... Marlene Dietrich... Greta Garbo
Daisy: Cain't ya find any famous ones?

Justin: Please believe me Mr. Clampett. Daisy is a violent destructive force. She's unpredictable. She's dangerous.
Jed: I grant you all that Mr. Addison, but she's still my mother in law.

Jed: Boy, you is just a handful of rice away from bein' a married man.

Daisy: Pull the covers up, Elly, so he don't chill.
Jed: With what he's got in him, he couldn't chill at 30 below.

Jed: Duke, I know it's askin' a heap, but if you can pull yer eyes open fer a minute, yonder is somethin' you don't see every day, a girl playin' ball... with a monkey... and a bobcat watchin'.
[Duke looks up and then goes back to sleep]
Jed: Sorry old timer, I reckon what you was dreamin' had it beat.

Daisy: If they don't allow folks to have stock, why have they got that all-fired fancy stock pen down there?
Jed: Well Granny, it turned out that that there was something called a Tennus court.
Daisy: What in tarnation is a Tennus?
Jed: I don't know, but one of these days, we'll get us a pair of 'em and go to raise them out there.

Jed: Miss Jane, you was up at the house. You seen Granny doing her housework?
Jane: Well I only saw her briefly. When I was there, she was in a tizzy.
Jed: Tizzy, huh? She's started cleanin' things I never heard of.

Jed: [Elly shows in the harem girls] What in the Sam Hill?
Elly: The man that brung 'em by said that they was some of the Sheik's favorite dancin' girls.
Jethro: Yeah, he wants you to have 'em for wives.
Daisy: Wives?
Jed: Well, fetch 'em back boy. I can't take a present like that.
Jethro: Wait a minute, Uncle Jed! Let's talk about it first.
Jed: Jethro!
Jethro: At least look 'em over before you go returnin' 'em.

Daisy: Well, the food chute is back, the one-man locust plague. I bet you're hungry.
Jethro: Oh yes ma'am.
Jed: What's for vittles, Granny?
Daisy: Overlook stew.
Jed: What's that?
Daisy: I'm stewin' everythin' he overlooked, and it ain't much.

Daisy: Jed Clampett, you get into your good duds and git over there and buy that cake that Elly May baked!
Jed: I don't want that thing.
Daisy: That ain't the idea. You gotta buy it before some other man buys it!
Jed: I don't think there's a man in this town can lift it.
Shorty: It rolls real good. That's how Elly got it over there.

Jed: Have you decided which one you're gonna say yes to?
Cousin: Nope. I thought I'd wait and see how the years have treated 'em.
Jed: Yeah, I reckon you're smart to look 'em over first. Some folk ages quicker than others.
Cousin: That's right, and don't forget, them boys is purt near 18 or 19 years older that when I seen 'em last. Well I'm purt near 10 years older myself.

Jed: [Greeting Mrs. Drysdale who has shown up unexpectedly] Well, howdy there, Mrs. Drysdale, sure is a nice surprise to have you come visit. Pearl and me were just talking about you this morning. Pearl's got a hankering to getting into society, and I said, well I hear tell when it comes to society, Mrs. Drysdale is one of the first hogs to the trough!

Jed: You know, the only way you'd get a housekeeper past Granny is to hold a shotgun on her.
Elly: Even that might not work. She's dead set agin 'em.

Jethro: Listen, Uncle Jed, can I get me a spy car?
Jed: What's a spy car?
Jethro: Oh, wait till you hear about that rascal! It's got a top that flies off and a seat that if you set in it, it throws you from here to yonder, and it drops oil on the road so a feller followin' you will skid, and it shoots out smoke so he can't see.
Jed: Sounds a heap like the truck.

Jed: I'm sure Granny would settle for you teachin' Jethro "You got a hog jowl where your heart ought to be"

Jed: Miss Jane got herself a fella.
Daisy: I ain't conjurin' for Miss Jane. I'm conjurin' for my old maid granddaughter. I aim to see her married before she's all wasted away!
Jed: Elly could waste away a good bit and still be ahead of Miss Jane.

Jed: [Honest John agrees to sell Central Park to Jed for $5000 and Jed pulls a wad of cash out of his pocket] Well doggies, there's some bigguns in there. One, two, three, four, five and I still got me some walkin'-around money.
Shifty: Well, whaddaya say we get up and walk around?

Daisy: Would you like some gravy?
Girl: Groovy!
Daisy: [whispering to Jed] On the island of Grun, they call gravy, 'groovy'.
Jed: I could use some chicken and groovy myself!

Jed: Ain't these Shorty Kellem's suitcases?
Daisy: That's right. He's leavin' us. Goin' back to the hills.
Jed: Tonight?
Daisy: That's right.
Jed: He didn't say nuthin' to me about leavin'.
Daisy: He don't know it yet!

Jethro: As long as your workin' on the shoes, would you mind hollowin' out the heel so I can put a little radio in it?
Jed: A radio in the heel of your shoe?
Jethro: Yes sir, that's where Double Naught Seven carries his.
Jed: That seems like a mighty unhandy place to carry it. Why don't he just carry it in his pocket?
Jethro: Well he... I can't tell you that.
Jed: Secret, huh?
Jethro: No sir, I just ain't sure.

Daisy: I still don't mind sharin' a bed with Elly May, but I draw the line when it comes to sharin' with them others.
Jed: What others?
Daisy: Well there was a owl, and a squirrel, a crow, and a fox, a possum, and a skunk, and a porkypine.

Jed: Do you get the feelin' that Granny'd like us to make ourselves scarce?
Jethro: I don't. She told me to fix this keg.
[Granny picks up a piece of wood and shakes it at Jethro]
Jethro: I'm gettin' a feeling.

Jed: Pearl, go on ahead. Women and children first. That's the rule.
Cousin: That's the rule for fire, flood, and deesaster.
Jed: [in a low voice] Well it seems to me Granny's tonic oughta fit in there somewheres.
Daisy: I heared what you said, Jed Clampett, and just for that, when it comes your turn, you're gonna get a double dose.

Adaline: You know, my daughter got married off at 13. There's a snapshot took at the weddin'.
Jed: What's that you husband's holdin'? Looks like a shotgun.
Adaline: He just came back from huntin'.
Jed: Appears he bagged what he was after.

Jethro: [reading from Pearl's letter] "We knowed it was Jasper. He was there to get Jethrine. Her beauty had set his heart to burnin' with flamin' desire."
Elly: What's "flamin' desire" Pa?
Jed: Well uh, Granny will explain that to you later.
Daisy: Well, I'll try. You're sure countin' a heap on my memory.

Jed: Now Granny, supposin' that all this nonsense you been talkin' is true, why would the North want to commence a fracas in Los Angeles?
Daisy: So they can attack under the cover of smog.

Jed: Granny, the boy has been thrown outta that tree a couple times on his head.
Jethro: It ain't just that I got to fight Elly up there in that treetop. She'll have her bobcat up there to help her, a raccoon and her possum and no tellin' what all.
Jed: There goes a little ape to join her side.
Jethro: Son of a gun can hang on with one hand and hit you with three!

Jane: Of course, these are not just ordinary stamps. These are very rare, very valuable collector's items. Now for example, here's one from Hawaii. The price is almost $50,000. Wouldn't you like to own that?
Jed: No ma'am.
Jane: Why not?
Jed: Well I don't know nobody in Hawaii, and if I did, I wouldn't write to 'em at that price.

Milburn: You studied medicine at John Hopkins?
Jed: I can vouch for that. Granny rode a mule all the way to Timbo Arkansas just to study with John and Elviry Hopkins.

Milburn: Sonny?
Jane: Jilted Ellie May?
Jed: Well that's what we call it. He sparked her for two weeks runnin', took her drivin', dancin', held her hand, kept her out past dark. Back where we come from that's just the same as sayin' "Will ya?", provided the girl is twelve or better.

Jed: I dug up all the rockin' chairs we got, Granny, but they ain't gonna be enough for all the old folks to rock.
Daisy: Well I'll pass around my rheumatiz medicine and them that ain't rockin' will think they is.

Jed: [talking to Granny] Miss Jane's a fine woman, all right, got a good head on her shoulders. From there on down, she appears to've been shorted a mite.

Jed: [sees Granny tugging on a rope] Whatcha doin?
Daisy: Tryin' to get my rope outta the Drysdale's yard. It musta snagged on somethin' like a root or a stump.
Jed: Or hawg.

Daisy: The greatest speech that was ever spoke was spoked in Gettysburg by the greatest president of them all, Jefferson Davis.
Milburn: No Granny. That was Abraham Lincoln.
Daisy: That's two boners in a row for you!
Jed: Now Granny, don't get riled.
Daisy: Well he better watch his Yankee tongue.

Jed: Seems a shame to clutter up a honeymoon with a lot of worries like that. All we had to worry about was what time the shivaree started.
Edythe Brewster: The what?
Jed: Shivaree.
John: It's a custom in certain rural areas, darling, where the friends and neighbors of the newlyweds get together and serenade them by shooting off guns, beating on pots and pans, blowing on horns, yelling.
Jed: In the middle of the night.
Edythe Brewster: You're joking.
Jed: Naw, then everybody come in, have vittles, pass the jug around. It's a heap of fun once the first scare wore off.

Jed: By doggies, if you three don't go together like pone, side meat, and sorghum.

Jed: How are you boys?
Lester: Good to see you, Jed.
Earl: Just dandy. How are you?
Jed: Oh, twixt grass and hay.

Daisy: Get Mr. Drysdale home alright, Jed?
Jed: Yep, but it was hard as braidin' a mule's tail at fly time.
Daisy: I suspect he was a mite over-tonic'ed, ha.
Jed: I reckon he was. He grabbed his wife and went to huggin' and kissin' again. I was halfway home and she come runnin' after me, yellin' and screamin'.
Daisy: Scared of him?
Jed: No, she just wanted to give ya this for a refill.
[hands Granny an empty bottle]

Daisy: I'll learn you to pick on a poor, weak, helpless ol' lady.
[bends the steel bars on the cage and goes in after the gorilla]
Jethro: Lookit that.
Jed: He hadn't ought to got Granny riled.
Daisy: You're goin' to the woodshed. And when I'm done with you, your heart won't be the only thing burnin'.

Daisy: Jed, why don't we give the Drysdales a horse and buggy as a present?
Jed: By doggies, Granny, that's a real neighborly thought.
Daisy: Ain't it though, friendly, kind, generous, and it's the only way I can make sure that she don't get a faster rig than mine.

Ginny: Follow me! We'll dance the dance of defiance!
Jed: Granny, you ever hear of that dance?
Daisy: No, but if I kin watch her for a minute or two, I'll be able to pick it up.

Daisy: Took Mr. Drysdale to work.
Jed: How did he like the buggy ride?
Daisy: Jed, he plumb loved it. When we pulled up in front of the bank, he didn't want to get out.
Jed: He didn't, huh?
Daisy: I had to pry his hands loose. He was hangin' on so hard that his knuckles turned white.

Jethro: You reckon he'll show up here, Uncle Jed?
Jed: [Elly May opens the door and dozens of cats come in] Well with our bait, I'd say there's a real good chance.

Jed: I reckon it'd hurt Mr. Drysdale's feelin's considerable if he was to find out we didn't eat his fish.
Jethro: But Uncle Jed, I purt near broke a tooth on that thing.
Daisy: If Jethro can't bite through it, nobody can.

Daisy: You can blame Jethro for the state I'm in. I declare, Jed, that boy is turnin' into a first class girl chaser.
Jed: Well I always said, if you're gonna do somethin', do it well.

Jed: My bucket of mortar, it's gone!
Daisy: Jethro must have thought it was grits. He'll eat it.

Daisy: Take that man
[the fire-eater]
Daisy: to the kitchen! Give him some bakin' soda and buttermilk!
Jed: Make sure and get the jug with the buttermilk. You give him some of Granny's corn squeezins, and he'll hiccup this house to a cinder.

Daisy: Jed, fetch my medical bag.
Jed: Are you hurt, Granny?
Daisy: No, it's for the general.
[Jethro is dressed like Patton]
Jethro: I ain't hurt.
Daisy: I ain't down there yet.

Elly: She's got Mr. Cushing in one room , Mr. Farquhar in the other...
Jed: They's both here?
Elly: Yes sir, and her shoes is just a-smokin' from runnin' back and forth betwixt 'em.
Jed: Leave it to Granny to fish two cricks at once.

Jed: [Jethro has decided that he'd like to become a Bullfighter, and has asked Jed if they can get a bull, so he can practice. Jed presents the idea to Granny] Granny, I got a idea. Let's get us a bull.
Granny: What?
Jed: Now, hear me out. We been wantin' to have a good ol' fashioned barbecue.
Granny: But, Jethro'll go to fightin' it!
Jed: Not for long. 'Pears to me they ain't nothin' a man can get his fill of, faster, than scrappin' with a bull.
Granny: Ain'tcha afraid he'll git hurt?
Jed: Nahh. A good stout bull can take care o' hisself.
Granny: Well, if there's one thing Jethro'd like better than fightin' it, it'd be eatin' it!
Jed: This way, he can do both!

[last lines]
[referring to a young boy's miraculous recovery]
Drago: He looks fine.
Dr. John Chapman: He is. He started gettin' well right after you talked to 'im. You know, Drago, as a doctor it might help me if I knew what you said to 'im.
Drago: I just told 'im there wasn't no catfish in heaven.

Jed: He's committed murder?
Jane: Not yet, but I'm afraid he will when he gets back to the bank.

Jethro: Wait'll you see her. She's purty as a mess of fried catfish.
Jed: Granny, the boy's in love. Ain't no girl ever come up to fried catfish before.

Jed: The little girl here woulda tore your heart out. Poor little thing had a nervous tic in her foot. Couldn't stop tappin' it. She had wore out so many pairs of shoes, her ma had to put iron plates on 'em.

Jethro: Uncle Jed, appearances is the smallest part of Roto-Romance. True love depends on our cards.
Jed: I'd say you'd been dealt a losin' hand.

Jed: Only one thing can make a girl forget a boy. That's another boy.
Daisy: You got one in mind, Jed?
Jed: That movie studio of mine is crawlin' with 'em.
Daisy: Slitherin' is the word. Snakes in the grass, that's what them Hollywood actors is.

Elly: Granny sure is happy, ain't she, Pa?
Jed: For a fact, Elly. Ever since she met that fella, she's been grinnin' like a butcher's dog.

Jane: Mr. Clampett, I will explain to Granny that in addition to the aesthetic depreciation and the local hostility that would attain, the net results in volume of produce weighed against value per acre would make the entire venture economically unfeasible.
Jed: Well if you're gonna explain it to her that way, I just as well start plowin'.

Jed: Miss Jane, mules come to Granny for stubborn lessons.

Jane: [reading Granny's recipe for biscuits] Into one whole heap of flour, stir 2 middlin' amounts of buttermilk and a smidgen of... I don't understand.
Jed: Well, them is mountain measurements. A smidgen is just a teensy little bit, just like that. 3 smidgens makes one pinch. 4 pinches equals one little bit. 4 little bits equals one middlin' amount. 3 middlin' amounts equals one right smart and it takes 5 right smarts to make a whole heap.

Jane: So he's finally marrying Elverna?
Daisy: That's right.
Milburn: When is the happy event?
Jed: Well, the happy event was yesterday, when Shorty locked hisself in your secretarial pool. The weddin's tomorrow.

[repeated line]
Jed: Well doggies!

Jed: Funny thing about Jethro, he was born with a full set of teeth, just like a beaver.

Elly: This here's a lion.
Jed: And you named him after Jethro?
Jethro: Yeah, cuz he's king of the beasts, huh Elly?
Jed: Nah, cuz he eats so much and his feet's so big.

Jed: [Jed catches Shorty climbing down a ladder with his suitcases in the middle of the night] Where ya goin', Shorty?
Shorty: Jed, don't you never sleep?
Jed: I was just about to ask you that. What are you doin' this time?
Shorty: Uh... I decided it would be real romantic if Elverna and me eloped.
Jed: Wouldn't it be even more romantic if you took Elverna along?
Shorty: By doggies, I knew I forgot somethin'.

Jed: Granny, me and ol' Duke here is plumb tuckered out. We walked clean over to the golf pasture lookin' fer some game.
Daisy: What'd you git?
Jed: We got mean-mouthed and stick-chased outta there.
Daisy: You mean you come home with nuthin', empty-handed?
Jed: Well we did manage to find a few of them golf eggs.
Daisy: Throw 'em out, Jed. They just can't be cooked. I boiled 'em and poached 'em and fried 'em and they still come out gummy as an old boot.

Daisy: [Granny and Jed are discussing Jethro] Heaven help us. When that boy is around a pretty girl, he plumb loses what *little* sense he's got!
Jed: Does seem to rattle him a mite.
Daisy: Put that boy next to a girl, and he couldn't pour sand out of his boot if the direction were wrote on the heel!

Daisy: Granny, why don't you tell Sam Drucker the truth?
Jed: I aim to, Jed.
Daisy: Good.
Jed: Just as soon as I'm Mrs. Sam Drucker, I'll confess everything.

Daisy: I'm cuttin' off your tonic.
Colonel: No, no, not that, Daisy!
Daisy: Dr. Daisy to you. No weddin', no tonic.
Colonel: I'll go and have another word with the girl.
Jed: No, don't do that.

Jed: I've often dreamed of bein' alone on a desert island with Elverna.
Shad: I've had that same dream.
Shorty: I must not remember Elverna as good as I thought.

Daisy: Jed, he left without eatin'.
Jed: No question about it. The boy panicked.

Daisy: Jed, you go out there and do your duty to your female cousin. Ask that city fella what he'd rather git, married or buried?
Jed: Now Granny, I don't hold with gittin' folks married unless they's willin'.
Daisy: Pearl's got enough willin' fer both of 'em.

Daisy: I know what Pearl went there to keep an eye on, that Mr. Brewster.
Jed: Well now Granny, Pearl's a widow woman. She's got a right to look.
Daisy: I ain't knockin' it. I got my eyes open myself.

Jed: [about Johnny Poke] That boy tramples on the truth worse than he did back home. He was such a liar then, he used to have to get somebody else to call his dog fer him.

Jethro: If you hadn't made me turn loose that Grunion I captured, I'da had her unload the truck.
Jed: We don't hold with havin' slaves, boy.
Daisy: That's right! We fought a war to make them Yankees give up that foolishness.
Jethro: Granny, you sure do get things twisted.
Daisy: Do as I say, or you're goin' to get things twisted, startin' with your neck!

Daisy: Ther's goin' to be some grown-up courtin' in here. Sam Drucker's comin' to town.
Jed: To see you?
Daisy: He ain't comin' to see Mae Busch.
Jed: What about that sayin' your granny had down there in Tennessee?
Daisy: My grandpa had another sayin': "Old violins make the sweetest music. Course, you have to have the right beau."
[Jed is unimpressed]
Daisy: That's a witty sayin' Jed.
Jed: Not too witty.
Daisy: Well, it beats "Well doggies".

Jed: [from Jim Owen's book of Hillbilly Humor] "If you're too busy to fish, you're too busy."

Jed: Well, they say, "Everything has got its price."
Shad: Jed, the only way Shorty can get that hotel back is to marry Elverna.
Jed: Mighty high price.

Milburn: Well you have Miss Hathaway's word. Her Possum Festival is going to be just like the one back home, only bigger and better.
Jed: What do you say, Granny?
Daisy: I say lets go back home to Sibley.
Milburn: Why?
Milburn: Cuz back there, I got a good chance of bein' Possum Queen.
Milburn: You can be Possum Queen right here.
Daisy: Aaah! I can't win an election in Beverly Hills.
Milburn: Oh yes you can. Right Miss Hathaway?

Jethro: [Jethro is showing off his new outfit] This here was wore by Francis Drake.
Jed: Well it would look better on her.
Jethro: Francis Drake was a man, fightin' man, a sailor.
Jed: Any sailor runnin' around like that better be a fightin' man.

Milburn: Mr. Clampett, what are you shooting at?
Jed: Flies.
Milburn: Flies? With a rifle?

Jane: I cannot permit you to bring it into the country. You should have emptied this jug before you boarded the plane.
Jed: If I'd a emptied that jug, I wouldn't have needed no plane!

Jed: I just don't want you to do no matchmakin'.
Daisy: Matchmakin'? Why I don't know what yer talkin' about. Every man is free to pick his own wife.
Jed: A man picks his own wife like a tomato picks a farmer, especially with you workin' the patch.

Jed: [about Jethro's dragoon uniform] Dogged if he don't look like a 4th of July parade all by hisself.

Jethro: Can I have the rest of the stew now?
Jed: Give it to him, Granny.
Daisy: Shall I give him the bone too?
Jed: If you can stand the noise.

Jed: I reckon it's like the old saying goes, "Nothin' greases the chute like money."

Daisy: I've cured Granny's Complaint!
Jed: Granny, there ain't no cure for Granny's Complaint.
Daisy: There is now! It took care of all of my symptoms. I'm even seein' twice as good as I ever did before.
Jed: Twice as far?
Daisy: Twice as many. There's two of everything!

Jed: You ain't heard it all. He gets paid for bustin' up homes!
Daisy: Ain't there no limit to what these city folks will do for a dollar?

Daisy: Then what I call my Heavenly Hash, that's grits, chitlins, possum belly, hog jowls, and catfish, all minced together and simmered in gopher gravy, topped with poached hawk eggs.
Jed: Mmm mmm, now there's vittles you won't forget in a hurry.
John: I'll try.

Jed: We wanna do everythin' just right.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: And you have, from these decorations to having Bessie the chimp parking the cars.

Jed: I'd rather be caught twixt a pair of scrappin' bobcats than two women tryin' to run the same house.

Jed: I tell you what. If he won't do it for $10000 an hour, you keep uppin' the price until you break him down.
Jane: Alright, but I'm afraid the only person who will break down will be Mr. Drysdale.

Daisy: I wanna ask Miss Swanson when she's gonna make another picture like "Society Scandal".
Gloria: Ah, "Society Scandal". You remember that one?
Daisy: Yeah, Jed and me seen it twice.
Gloria: Now that was a long time ago.
Daisy: Oh yes, clean last summer.
Gloria: You two attended the silent film festival in Venice?
Jed: No Ma'am. We seen it at the Bijou Theater back in Bug Tussle.

Elly: [Elly May shows Jed Duke's new poodle friend] I named her cotton patch, 'cause her hair grows in clumps.
Jed: I reckon it was clipped that way, Elly May, but the fella that done it musta had the clippers in one hand and a jug in the other. He missed the biggest part of her.
Elly: Old Duke sure has took a fancy to her. He dug up four of his best bones and give them to her.
Jed: She done a lot for Duke too. Before she come along, Duke was feelin' lower than a snake's belly in a wagon rut, but lookit him now.

Jed: [In front of Grauman's Chinese Theatre] Well, I reckon there's only one thing for me to do. I gotta mix up a batch of ceement and smooth out that mess.

Jed: Granny, you stay outta there. Two is company, three's a crowd.
Daisy: There's gonna be four of us.
Jed: Four?
Daisy: Them two, me, and my shotgun.

Jed: Well, until he talks her into havin' you around, it might be safer for you to wait outside, maybe even down the street a piece.

Jed: Miss Emaline 'n me'll be married right off.
Colonel: Married?
Jed: Code of the hills demands it. I done seen her in her skimpies and flimsies. We'll leave for Bug Tussle tonight and honeymoon in Snyder's Swamp.
Emaline: What?
Jed: We'll move into that little shack back to Possum Ridge with your Ma and Pa and 17 sisters.

Jed: I got good news fer you. You ain't spendin' your honeymoon in no hotel.
Edythe Brewster: I ain't?
Jed: No, you ain't.

Elly: Pa, if you don't leave before Granny gets home, you're gonna catch the dickens.
Jed: I know, Elly.
Elly: Well, she says Miss Phyllis is a gold-diggin' chorus girl just after you for your money.
Jed: Well, I know that too.
Elly: Well, why don't you go?
Jed: Elly, I have invested a whole day and a heap of money just so Granny can have the pleasure of bein' right. I can't spoil it now!

Jethro: Hey, Granny was right. Hey, you are stove up. Why, you are as stiff as a board. I'll go tell her.
Jed: No. What do you wanna tell her fer?
Jethro: Well, so she can take care of you. She'll rub in some of her liniment.
Jed: Only thing she'll rub in'll be some of her 'I told ya so's' and I'll be dogged if I'm gonna give her that satisfaction.

Milburn: That's the plan for Clampett City. You'll have forty-story buildings here.
Jed: We like it the way it is.
Milburn: But you'll make millions.
Jed: I got millions.
Milburn: You'll make more millions.
Jed: I don't need 'em.
Milburn: But, surely you'll want them?
Jed: What fer?
Milburn: So you'll have them.
Jed: I got 'em.
Milburn: But you'll make more.
Jed: I don't need 'em.

Elly: What's Clamco Inc., Pa?
Jed: Well Clamco's the name of our corporation.
Elly: Is we gonna make ink?

Jed: Well now, ain't that handy?
Elly: What's that, Pa?
Jed: The way the road takes a bend in here and runs right by the front door.
Milburn: No, Mr. Clampett, this is your driveway.

Daisy: Tell you what. I'll take a whole sonnet of that Shakespeare.
Chemist: May I suggest some 'Venus and Adonis'?
Daisy: If it's good stuff.
Chemist: Touch but my lips with those fair lips of thine, - Though mine be not so fair, yet are they red - The kiss shall be thine own as well as mine.
Daisy: Why don't you take a walk, Jed?
Jed: What about your duty to Marcus?
Daisy: Who?
Jed: Cousin Marcus, layin' sick in the castle, your patient.
Daisy: Patients I can git, Jed, but at my age, suitors are kinda scarce.

Jed: [reading poem on the side of the baby elephant] You can give my trunk a yank if you bring your folks to the Commerce Bank.

Milburn: [Jethro shoots 4 clay pidgeons with his rifle] Fantastic feat!
Jed: Yeah, they is big alright, but they help him to stand steady.

Daisy: That wild young'un. I'm so dadburn mad I could bite nails.
Jed: Granny, I reckon you forgot how it feels to be in love.
Daisy: Why do you suppose I'm so dadburn mad?

Elly: Hey Pa, can I fetch home me a swimmin' critter from Marineland?
Jed: We'll see, Elly. Jethro ain't even joined yet.
Elly: Well how 'bout if'n I join the Marines too?
Jed: I'm afraid not, Elly. Says here in the paper that they can build men, but I don't see how they can build one outta you.

[first lines]
Jed: Well, come on. Let's find that house we bought.
Narrator: House they bought? In Beverly Hills? Whoa, hold on, wait a minute! How could a bunch of hillbillies possibly buy a mansion like this? Let's take them back to their home and see how the whole thing started.

Miko: What is "white lightning?"
Jed: Well, it's like sake, only with more sock.

Lester: I thought you said Jethro was a light eater.
Jed: He is. He commences eatin' the minute it gets light.

Jed: Now Granny, you do the right thing and take this horse back where you bought it.
Daisy: I don't think they'll take it back. It was on sale.
Jethro: Yeah, 175 dollars.
Jed: For this critter?
Jethro: No sir, for the buggy. They threw in the horse for free.

Jed: Mr. Drysdale, do you promise to keep it a absolute secret?
Milburn: [raises his right hand] May interest rates drop.
Jane: For him that is a sacred oath.

Milburn: [Milburn tells the Italian tailor to measure jed for a suit]
Milburn: Measure him up for a vestito nuovo
Italian: Oh si, si.
Italian: [starts measuring Jed]
Jed: Little man, if you fixin' to tie me up, that ain't enough rope and you ain't enough man.

Daisy: If we had stayed in England and feuded with that next castle, like we were honor-bound to do, Elly May and Jethro wouldn't be out there in the woods, cold and hungry... and probably being et by the wolves.
Jed: If Jethro's hungry, you'd better worry about the wolves.

Elly: It's a baby walrus. Ain't he cute, Pa? Can I take him home?
Jed: Hadn't better, Elly. He'd remind Granny too much of Lafe Crick.

[last lines]
Daisy: [Granny and Jed are looking at the Sheik's royal camel] Ain't that the saddest-lookin' horse you ever seen?
Jed: Pitiful, just pitiful.

Jed: Where's your buggy?
Daisy: Lightnin' run so fast, she pulled right outta the harness.

Jed: [On Eb's intelligence, or lack thereof] Eb's a nice young feller, but if brains was lard, he wouldn't grease too big a pan.

Jed: We ain't shootin' at the board, Granny. We is fixin' to drive them nails stickin' in it.
Daisy: I still say that ain't hill country shootin'.
Jed: Granny's right, boy. See that rock over on the left.
Jethro: Yes sir.
Jed: Let's ricochet off that and then drive the nails.

Elly: Why don't you'all shoot skeets like Mr. Drysdale?
Jethro: What's skeets?
Jed: Ah, he told me about them. Them is clay birds.
Daisy: Well if you two go to shootin' clay birds, don't expect me to cook 'em.

Jed: The way I got it figgered, when the golf comes out of his hole to get his eggs back, you shoot him.

Jed: Jethro, I gotta admire your brain.
Jethro: Why thank you.
Jed: Now that I've admired it, git it outta here.

Jed: [getting off the escalator] Well, now that wasn't bad was it?
Cousin: No, it was fun! Let's go up and ride down again.
Jed: No Pearl, it's fun alright, but it just ain't worth fightin' your way back upstream.

Shorty: I had 4 long weeks in that root cellar to meditate and reflect on my sins. I done a lot of prayin', lot of repentin'.
Jed: You done considerable eatin' too.
Shorty: All that prayin' and repentin' gives a feller an appetite.
Shad: As long as you was filled with the Spirit.
Shorty: Oh, I was. Granny left a couple of jugs in there.

Daisy: [Granny is trying to cook the fish trophy] When you gonna commence to tenderin' up, you wall-eyed ocean-goin' varmint?
Jed: You cookin' that fish?
Daisy: I ain't givin' him a bath.
Jed: He said he already been prepared by experts, somethin' or other...
Daisy: Taxi driver.
Jed: That sounds like it, yeah.
Daisy: He better stick to drivin'' taxis. He don't know shucks about fish. I've been boilin' this rascal for 2 hours and he's still as tough as harness leather.

Jed: I declare, duke, if Mr. Drysdale give us a string of weenies, that girl'd make pets outta 'em.

Montrose: Would you like to buy Hong Kong?
Daisy: That's that big ape that carried off Faye Wray.
Montrose: Hong Kong is on the coast of China.
Jed: Well, to tell the truth, I ain't too keen on buyin' a Chinese ape.

Mr. Fleming Pendleton: If somebody should buy a lot of wheat right now, say, say a million bushels, what do you think they'd make?
Jed: Well, Mr. Pendleton, I'd reckon they'd make a lot of bread.
Mr. Fleming Pendleton: What did he mean by that?
Mr. Lucas: Fleming, you are square. "Bread" is hip talk for "money."

Jed: I'm about of a notion that that little fella needs fixin' more than his car.
Jethro: Whatcha mean?
Jed: Well uh, turns out that we had his name backwards and he didn't have the gumption to tell us.
Elly: He is right skittish.
Jed: I believe that a good-sized bunny rabbit could face him down.

Jed: Supposin' instead of money, we gathered together a bunch of clothes and stuff and leave 'em up there in the mountains where the Conders can find 'em.
Professor P. Caspar Biddle: Clothes?
Jed: Yeah, good heavy warm stuff.
Professor P. Caspar Biddle: You couldn't get a condor to wear clothes.
Jed: You mean to tell me there's 40 of em runnin' around up there buck tooth naked?

Jethro: [Jed just lit two matches with one bullet] The bullet bounced off the wall and got 'em both. What do we shoot at now, Uncle Jed?
Jed: Well, let's smear a dab of sorghum on the wall and commence to pickin' off flies.

Cousin: My answer is still no.
Jed: Better quit while your ahead, Mr. Brewster.

Jed: I love you both equal an it'd pleasure me if you'd shake hands.
Jethro: And come out fightin'.

Jethro: Mrs. Drysdale even hired us.
Jed: To do what?
Jethro: Stay away.

Milburn: [Dr. Clyburn is using a tongue depressor on Mr. Drysdale] Ahhhh
Jed: Say doctor, I bet ya he could talk a heap better if you took that stick outta his mouth.

Jethro: This belongs to a feller by the name of El Magnifico. He's been fightin' bulls for 10 years.
Jed: If he don't like 'em, why don't he stay outta the pasture?
Jethro: He don't fight 'em for spite, he fights 'em for money.
Jed: He gets paid?
Jethro: Yeah, thousands of dollars.
Jed: For fightin' bulls?
Jethro: Yeah.
Jed: Boy, somebody's been greenin' you.

Jed: I'll get that college to make you a doctor if it takes ever cent I got.
Daisy: They offered to make me one. Even give me a test.
Jed: They did?
Daisy: Asked me the craziest durn-fool questions you ever did hear, had me puttin' pegs in holes, lookin' at spilt ink, but I passed it!
Jed: Good fer you.
Daisy: That's what I thought until they put me in that white doctor's coat. The crazy, durn-fool thing had sleeves that tied in the back.
Jed: That makes no sense at all.
Daisy: If Jethro hadn't been there to rip it off of me, I'd still be tryin' to get out of it.

Shorty: This is the money I got from the silver mine. Sold out to a Syndicate from Reed Springs. Fred Syndicate.
Jed: I don't believe I know Fred.
Shorty: He'll make a fortune outta that silver mine. Plans to hide a still in there and sell moonshine.
Daisy: Shorty, did you ever take any silver outta that mine?
Shorty: Just once. Found a spoon somebody dropped.

Shifty: I have long been closely associated with the New York police force. They always love to see me come to town.
Jed: Is that a fact?
Jethro: They is friends of yours, huh?
Shifty: Chums, pals. In fact, when we enter the terminal, you may notice several of them converge upon me and begin to ask questions.
Daisy: What kind of questions?
Shifty: Oh, questions concerning unsolved crimes.

Daisy: [about Marie, the upstairs maid, who curtsies when she greets the Clampetts] Ain't nothin' wrong with that girl what some good cookin' will cure her. She's half-starved.
Jed: Poor thing is so weak, her knees keep to bucklin' on her.

Cousin: So this is Californy. It's so warm and the air smells different from the mountains.
Jed: Yep, looks different too. Out here, you can see what yer breathin'.

Jed: I didn't know you had a flu serum.
Daisy: Course. I just run off a batch last friday.
Jed: Are you talkin about your corn squeezins?
Daisy: I'm talkin about the greatest all-purpose miracle medicine ever developed, Possum Ridge Penicillin.

Jed: As a matter of fact, Jethro won the eatin' championship.
Jane: How marvelous. What was he champion of?
Jed: Eatin'.
Jane: I know, but what was it? Cricket?
Jed: No, no, it was crawdad. I don't think even Jethro would eat crickets.

Shad: Where's big Jethro?
Jed: Jethro stayed back in Californy. He's goin' to college now.
Shad: Do tell. What's he studyin'?
Jed: Well, far as I can figure, it's mainly protestin'.
Shad: What's he protestin'?
Jed: Far as I can figure, it's mainly college.
Shad: Then why is he goin'?
Jed: Shad, that's as far as I can figure.

Jed: And now she's crazy mad in love with you, huh?
Jethro: Is she ever!. Why all the way home, she kept tryin' to get me to drive to some out-of-the-way place so we could be alone.
Jed: No foolin'.
Jethro: Yeah. Kept askin' me to get lost.

Jed: Come on, Herb. Come on and show Granny how nice you look.
[the gorilla enters wearing clothes]
Jed: What do you think, Granny?
Daisy: He looks like Lafe Crick.
Jed: Them is Lafe's overalls he's wearin'. Good thing he left 'em behind.

Jed: Maybe Jethro's smarter'n he seems.
Daisy: Well he'd purt near have to be.

Jed: [singing to Millicent Schuyler-Potts] Oh my darlin', oh my darlin', oh my darlin' Millicent/Just to see me every evening to such trouble you have went/ I', a man and you're a woman you yourself did up and say/ Now you got my heart to wonderin' are you the ma for Elly May.

Jed: I reckon with our stuff outta there, ain't nothin' left anyone would wanna take, 'cept them old pictures.
Jethro: Oh, Miss Hathaway says a couple of them pictures is Rembrandt's.
Jed: Alright, after Christmas, we'll see he gets 'em back.

Milburn: [astonished at the Clampett's shooting abilities] I have never seen such marksmanship! Why, with any one of you as my teammate I can win tomorrow!
Jethro: I'll shoot with ya, Mr. Drysdale!
Daisy: *I'll* shoot with ya, Mr. Drysdale!
Milburn: Well thank you, but you see, my teammate has to be someone who works at the bank. And since Mr. Clampett here just happens to be my vice president...
Jed: Shore was a stroke'a luck fer me to git that job just in time to shoot with ya!
Jane: [dripping with sarcastic cynicism] *Almost* as if it were planned.
[Drysdale gets pained look on face]

Jed: Well I'll be doggone, a boat in a bottle.
Milburn: Yes, you see Mr. Clampett, I've been giving a lot of thought to your problem of keeping busy. Now a friend of mine had the same problem. He solved it by building this boat.
Jed: How did he get it in there?
Milburn: He built it in there, It took 3 years.
Jed: He coulda built it a lot quicker outside the bottle.
Milburn: Yes, he wanted to build it in there.
Jed: Why?
Milburn: It's his hobby.
Jed: How's he gonna get it out?
Milburn: He doesn't want to get it out.
Jed: How's he gonna sail it?
Milburn: He won't. It's just to look at.
Jed: Be easier to look at outside the bottle, wouldn't it?
Milburn: Yes but...
Jed: Seems to me he wasted a boat and a bottle.
Milburn: But think of all the absorbing hours he spent.
Jed: Yeah, he wasted them too.

Jed: Knowin' Elly's cakes, that thing must have weighed a ton.
Shorty: It bowed the floor a might. It was sure pretty, Jed. Decorated so fancy with her name wrote across the top in icing, Elly May Clampett.
Jed: There goes any chance of denyin' who dunnit.
Shorty: Don't you worry, Jed. As pretty as Elly is, there'll be some young feller bid on that cake.
Jed: Just so you don't bite on it.

John: You say your grandfather built this cabin?
Jed: He sure did.
John: Well he must have been a remarkable man.
Jed: He sure was. He finished the cabin in the mornin', went to town, found a girl, courted her, married her, and carried her across that doorstep all before sundown. Tell me Granny, was that eighteen and ninety-seven or eighteen and ninety-eight?
Daisy: Eighteen and ninety-eight.
Jed: Yeah, that's right. She was 18 and Grandpa was 98.
John: You say he was 98 and his bride was 18?
Jed: That's right, marriage didn't work out too good.
John: I don't doubt it.
Jed: Yeah, Grandpa made the mistake of havin' his Ma come live with them.

Daisy: I sent him over a jar of Dr. Daisy's Cold Turkey Tonic.
Jed: Well, that's a new one on me.
Daisy: Oh, it's a harmless vegetable compound as long as you don't drop it or light a match close to it.

Jed: Mrs. Drysdale sets a great store by bein' a society leader of Beverly Hills. You know she ain't gonna turn down a chance to be Possum Queen.

Jed: Now, these small-town boys are different. They're more friendly. You'll get yourself a husband in no time at all.
Elly: I will?
Jed: You play your cards right, you will.
Elly: Well, what do I do?
Jed: Well, first off, you get yourself into a dress, and be your own sweet, purty self, and the first thing you know, some boy will ask you out.
Elly: Well, out where?
Jed: Well, out to a church social, a husking bee, something.
Elly: Well, then what?
Jed: If you play your cards right, he'll ask you out again, to dance, or moonlight hayride, something real romantic.
Elly: Well, then what?
Jed: Well, play your cards right, first thing you know, you're married!
Elly: Well, is that all there is to it?
Jed: Elly, I reckon I didn't tell it very good, but, uh, that card-playing can be a heap of fun!
Jed: [later] Granny, I think you best have a talk with Elly about courting and such.
Daisy: I thought you was gonna do that.
Jed: I tried, but the way I left it, first fella that asks for her hand is liable to wind up holding a fistful of cards!

Jed: There is them that say, "This ain't our quarrel. We ain't Californy folks born and bred." But I say, this state has been mighty good to us, and when trouble starts, we ain't about to run and hide. That's enough talk. Let's get to fightin'.
Jethro: And eatin'.

Jethro: I'm goin' back to bein' a brain surgeon.
Jed: How come you kept the suit?
Jethro: I'm gonna be workin' mostly around bull rings
Jed: Lot of call for brain surgeon in there.
Jethro: They's gotta be Uncle Jed. Anybody that fights bulls for a livin' needs a lot of work on his brain.

Daisy: Are you sayin' that Clyde and Emma Poke didn't have a happy marriage?
Jed: No, as I recall the marriage was real happy. It was the livin' together afterward that caused all the trouble.

Police: Tell me, was there a peat bog near your place?
Jed: I don't recall Pete, but there was a Clem Bog.
Police: I'm not familiar with clem bog, but we used to cook with peat.
Jed: We used to fish with Clem.

Jed: By doggies, whatever Miss Jane's got, it's hid like a quail in a thicket.

Daisy: The whole city to Bug Tussle will be in flames. All 5 buildin's will be burnin'!
Jed: Granny, I just don't believe there is any Injun trouble.
Daisy: That's what General Custer said.

Jed: [an unkempt Elly enters the room] Oh, ain't she a mess! I declare, you could throw her in the river and skim ugly for two months!

Daisy: I just remembered, I need some stuff for my new tonic. You'all go git it fer me.
Jed: What do you need?
Daisy: Pasadena berries.
Elly: Pasadena berries?
Jethro: I never heard of them.
Jed: What do they look like?
Daisy: You'll find out when you get to Pasadena.

Jed: They're all good pictures. What are you askin' for these, Colonel Foxhole?
Colonel: Foxhall, sir. I'm asking one million dollars.
Daisy: A million dollars?
Jed: Well I ain't bought many pictures, but that does seem a mite steep.
Milburn: Mr. Clampett, if you don't meet his price, these pictures will appear on the front page of tomorrow's newspaper.
Jed: Well there's a idea, Granny. Let's wait 'til tomorrow and cut 'em outta the paper.

Elly: How much is my dowry?
Jed: Well back home I had it figgered out in pigs, chickens, and goats, but Sonny seems to favor hard cash.

Jed: [while the airplane is taking off] By doggies, if he gits to goin' much faster, this thing is gonna leave the ground.
Daisy: Don't look now, but it is leavin' the ground.
Jed: Jethro, you better get up there and tell that bus driver to slow down.

Jethro: Uncle Jed, get a hold a yourself. I got some bad news for ya.
Jed: What is it, boy?
Jethro: I hope this ain't gonna break your heart, but I just gotta say it.
Jethro: Well come on, get it over with.
Jethro: Uncle Jed, I decided I ain't gonna be a brain surgeon.
Jed: Well I reckon I can bear up under that.

Shorty: You goin' to the bank, Jed?
Jed: That's right, Shorty. I'm goin' to take out some money.
Shorty: I'll drive you. I'm goin' to take out somethin' myself.

Daisy: You're early, Mr. Policeman. We ain't goin' to be eatin' till sundown.
Policeman: You can't build an open fire in Beverly Hills.
Daisy: Oh, sure you can. All you need is seasoned wood.
Policeman: What I mean is...
[sees Pat Boone]
Policeman: Wait a minute, aren't you Pat Boone? Sure you are. I've got you latest record.
Jed: Boy's got a record?
Policeman: Sure, a bunch of them. Haven't you seen his picture?
Jed: No, we don't get down to the Post Office much.

Milburn: I have a feeling that Granny's conjure is going to get action this time.
Jed: Oh, it's got action before. I remember one time back home, it brought every fella within 5 miles a runnin'.
Milburn: Really?
Jed: Yep. She set the cabin on fire.
[Mr Drysdale thinks it's a joke and laughs until Jed gives him a stern look]
Milburn: Mr. Drysdale, that ain't very funny.

Daisy: Jed, what's ailing you? You know durn good & well your great-grandpappy's name was Ezekiel.
Jed: I know, Granny. But what would an old mountain goat like me have to say to the President & Congress? Come on, everybody, let's do the Virginia Reel.

Jed: Miss Swanson, don't judge the whole country by these fickle Hollywood folks. Back home, you is the queen of the movies. You always have been and you always will be.

Milburn: [about Jethro] This fine boy has a great potential. I'm proud of him. I believe in him. Oh, I only wish I had a boy just like him.
Jed: You got him.
Milburn: What?
Jed: We're gonna leave this fine boy, this great potential, with you.

Jed: I tried to talk to him, but he wouldn't have no truck with me. I dunno what to do.
Daisy: He'll listen if our shotguns do the talkin'.

Elly: Well I still say this ain't no big hawg.
Daisy: What are you talkin' about, child? Why that rascal is good for 300 yards of chitlins alone.
Jed: And would ya look at them jowls
Daisy: Take a tub of turnip greens just to season 'em.

Daisy: Hey Jed, this here is dandy soil.
Jed: Fine Granny, we'll commence to plowin' tomorrow.
Milburn: But this is Beverly Hills.
Jed: Dirt is dirt.

Jethro: Uncle Jed, look what they give me.
[shows him a $10 bill]
Jed: Hey, Granny, they just upped it to forty.

Daisy: Jed, is the revenooer stayin' fer supper?
Jed: He ain't no revenooer.
Daisy: Well, is the furreigner stayin' fer supper?
Jed: How about it Mr. Landman? You too Mr. Drysdale.
Mr. Landman: You're not by any chance cooking mustard greens and possum innards, are you?
Daisy: Not tonight.
Jed: No, we had them last night.
Mr. Landman: I'll stay.
Milburn: Me too.
Daisy: Tonight, we is havin' leftovers.
Jed: That's the thing about possum innards. They is just as good the second day.

Daisy: Jed, I've been workin' 3 days on this conjure and I aim to throw it in that fire. Now get dressed in your company clothes while I say my spell.
Jed: I think I'll wait till you're done. I might have to do some firefightin'.
Daisy: Magic powder, magic brew/ In the fire and up the flue/ Fetch a man and fetch a minister/ So poor old Elly won't be a spinister.
Jed: Spinister?
Daisy: I'm a scientist, not a poet.

Daisy: And when your money's gone, she'll drop you. What'll you do then?
Jed: I'll get into bed with a hot water bottle and you can fetch me some liniment.

Jed: Granny wanted me to make sure that the first song you taught Jethro was "Redneck Romance".
The: I play the music of only the immortal composers.
Jed: Then you ought to know this one. It was wrote by Stumpy Peckinpah.

Granny: Well, here's lookin' at you, Jed.
[Granny drinks her tonic]
Jed: Granny, you ain't lookin' at me.
Granny: Wahoo!
[Granny does a somersault]
Granny: Water... I gotta have water.
[Granny jumps in the ceement pond]
Jed: Somethin' tells me folks are gonna talk about this election for years to come.

Cousin: Jed! them stairs is movin'! We're havin' a Californy earthquake!
Jed: Now Pearl, them stairs is supposed to move like that.
Cousin: What fer?
Jed: I dunno, but that's what they call an "eskylater". Only thing is, last time we was here, they was movin' the other way.

Wilkins: At present, he's on a diet of Swiss yogurt. We hunted all over Beverly Hills to find it.
Jed: Jethro, get out yer rifle and hunt down one of them Swiss yogurts.
Jethro: Okay, Uncle Jed. Oh, and I'll take little Deusey along to make sure I shoot the right kind.

Jed: Well, two heads are better than one.
Daisy: Not when one of them's Jethro.

Jed: She mean-mouths you one more time, I'm gonna have to turn you loose.
Daisy: May the bluebird of happiness flutter over your head, Elverna.
Elverna: Are you gonna come down here or do I have to come up and get you? You snivelin' polecat.
Jed: That did it, Granny. Go git her.

Daisy: He cain't make up his mind what he wants to be. One day it's a rocket scientist and the next day it's a fry cook.
Jed: That's his brain and his stomach fightin' it out.
Daisy: Mark my words, his stomach will win.

Milburn: The army will take care of that. They'll train him, outfit him, give him three square meals a day. They'll turn him into a real fighting man.
Jed: They sure will if they cut him down to three meals a day.

Miko: Sake, our native wine made from rice. You taste.
Jed: [takes a sip] Hmm, Japanese white lightnin'.

Shorty: [about the beauty contest] Elverna won hands down, goin' away.
Daisy: Did he say "hands down, goin' away?"
Jed: Yep.
Daisy: I guess she could win in that position. Always has been her best side.

Daisy: Watchin' that boy eat is a hideous sight.
Jed: Well of course you can always look away. It's the noise you can't get away from.

Jed: He seemed like a real nice fella. Besides, he's a good friend of Mr. Drysdale.
Daisy: That cinches it! Any friend of General Beauregard Drysdale is not to be trusted.
Jed: General Beaureagard?
Daisy: Boltin' Beauregard, the coward of Culpepper Plantation.

Jed: Wee Doggie!

Jethro: Vittles is all she thinks about. Watch this - Howdy.
Maria: Ciao.
Jethro: See. She must have mentioned chow at least a dozen times today already. Senor Maria, this here's my Uncle Jed.
Jed: Howdy.
Maria: Ciao.
Jethro: There she goes again.

Jed: How's the weather been back to Mars?

Jed: This here is Jed Clampett. I'd like to buy some stock.
telephone: Do you know the number you wish to reach?
Jed: Well that's more or less up to the animals.

Shifty: Come on over. Granny is cookin' up some groundhog stew and gopher gravy.
Jed: That sounds atrocious.
Shifty: Oh it is. You'll love it!

Jed: Jethro went to eatin' right off. Since he was 3 months old, he sat at the table and matched the grown-ups jowl for jowl.

Jed: I just can't think of no quicker way to kill a romance than to meet a feller totin' a skunk in yer arms.

Jane: I want to thank you for allowing my little band of fledglings to nest in your garden sanctuary as they sharpen their senses to better pursue their ornithological avocation.
Jed: I thought you was gonna watch birds.

Jed: Yes sir, good cookin' is just about as important as good lookin'!

Jed: I reckon cousin Pearl can look after herself, but I got a daughter, Elly May, an' I catch you makin' one move in her direction, you're gonna find yourself weighin' about three bullets heavier.

Jed: I'll need about 5 minutes with Mr. Drysdale. You wanna come up and visit with Miss Jane?
Jethro: No thanks Uncle Jed. She always looks at me so funny. Kind a like a...
Jed: ...hungry hound lookin' in a butcher's window?

Jed: [Jed gives parting advice to Elly before she goes to the movie studio] You just be your own sweet, purty self, and do a honest day's work movie-starrin'.
Elly: Well, Jethro says I gotta be an extry 'fore I can be a star.
Jed: All right, after you're extry for a while, you ask 'em, real polite, 'Can you be a star?'
Elly: Yes sir, Pa.

Jed: Do spies get to wear fancy uniforms?
Jethro: Gee, I dunno?
Jed: You could use with some new duds. Them britches of yours look like you're fixin' to wade a crick.

Daisy: Quick, hide the bear!
Jed: Granny, you don't quick hide a 500-pound bear.

Jed: How's Jethro?
Daisy: Oh, he'll recover. The operation was a success.
Jed: Oh, you operated?
Daisy: Took out 10 pounds of mortar.
Jed: Had to cut him open, huh?
Daisy: No. I just reached down his gullet and pulled it out. First, I had to beat on his belly a little to bust it up.

Daisy: [Elly May brings in a critter in a cage] What kind of a varmint is that?
Elly: It's what Mrs. Drysdale wants most of all for Christmas, a mink.
Jed: Elly May, Mrs. Drysdale especially wanted a full-length mink. This one fit the bill?
Elly: Yes sir, it's as long as they come.
Jed: I know the answer to this, but I'm gonna ask you anyway. You didn't by any chance steal this critter, did you?
Elly: No sir.
Jed: Well, I know'd you hadn't, but Mrs. Drysdale made such a point of it. She said she didn't want no mink stole.

Widow: [buxom elderly millionaress who wants Jed to come in with her as a business partner on a real estate development venture she calls Honeymoon Lane] I need a partner who will come into Honeymoon Lane with me. I have the license, and I have the heavy equipment.
Jed: Well, ma'am, them's the kinda things a man likes to find out fer himself.

Jed: [to Jethro, returning from his stunt double work] You look like you been sortin' bobcats in a burnin' hayloft.

Jane: Mr. Clampett, your neighbors in this lovely and exclusive section would never accept such action. They would originate petitions. They would bring legal proceedings. They would take every means to protest vigorously and vociferously.
Jed: You mean it'd get 'em riled?
Jane: Exactly.

Jethro: And over there is where I seen that great big pink chicken. Only thing is it don't sound like a chicken. It makes a kind of hollerin' noise.
Jed: [Jed finds a croquet ball and picks it up to examine it] I reckon you'd make a hollerin' noise too if you was to lay a egg like that.

Milburn: I just heard about Elly cooking. Miss Hathaway should have told you to take your meals out.
Jed: Well, I have been takin' em out and um buryin' 'em.

Granny: [after Granny ran a foot race against Elly May] Who won, Jed?
Jed: Well when you passed me, appears like Elly was out in front of you a little.
Granny: That don't mean nothin'! She's out in front of me standing still.

Jed: [to Mr. Drysdale] Seems to me that there's more than one fox here with feathers on his mouth. Supposin' we all set down at the table and give all of the chickens a chance to cackle.

Daisy: [Jethro reels in a boot] Elly, fetch my pole, quick!
Jed: What fer? This ain't nothin' but a boot.
Daisy: I know it. I wanna fish fer the other one. They're better'n the ones I'm wearin'.

Cousin: [Pearl is offering yodeling lessons for 20 cents] Jed, what do you think of my prices?
Jed: Is that what you been chargin' at home?
Cousin: No, but Beverly Hills is full of millionaires and movie stars, so I figgered I could double 'em and get away with it.
Jed: I reckon you might can. I don't recollect seein' one sign in this whole town advertisin' yodelin' lessons.

Jed: You hadn't ought to be ashamed of your Pa.
Justin: Ashamed of him? Why Dad was an MIT PHD.
Jed: You don't need to spell it out, I heard ugly words before.

Jed: It just might be that you got too many critters. You got over 40 dogs, a scad and a half of cats, rabbits, goats, assorted critters wanderin' around the place. Beginnin' to look like the wait room for the ark!

Daisy: [reading Sam Drucker's letter] "I hope you like them, sugar." Bold rascal.
Jed: Called you "sugar", did he?
Daisy: Read it for yourself.
Jed: I think that goes with the next line. "I hope you like them sugar-cured".

Elly: Oh, they's fixin' to shoot my gorilla!
Jethro: They is just tranquilizer guns to calm him down.
Jed: Can we get 'em to take a shot at Granny?

Daisy: Jed, ain't you always told me that part of that money is mine?
Jed: That's right, one quarter.
Daisy: One quarter? 25 cents out of all them millions?
Jed: I mean one fourth of all I got.

Elly: You reckon there's fellas in Hooterville?
Jed: If there ain't, there will be. How you gonna keep 'em down on the farm after they seen you?

Jed: [to an obviously revolted Mr. Drysdale] That's the thing about salted down possum, it's just as good the second day.

Jane: In the woods, I saw him! Just right for Elly! An Adonis, a Hercules, an Apollo!
Daisy: Oh please Miss Jane, she's got enough critters now.
Jane: No, no. You don't understand. He was cutting down a tree near the lake.
Jed: She don't need another beaver.

Jethro: I seen better wrasslin' at a sheep shearin'.
Jed: What's the bull doin'?
Jethro: He's lookin' at Jethro kinda puzzled.
Jed: What's Jethro doin'?
Jethro: I think that's what the bull's tryin' to figger out.

Elly: I been cookin' all mornin'.
Jed: You have, huh?
Elly: Yes sir, whomped up a big batch of pork chops and homemade biscuits and gravy.
Jed: Say now, that's a pretty fair-lookin' done-to-a-turn pork chop.
Elly: That's a biscuit.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: I'd feel much better if you could put your arm around me.
Jed: Mrs. Drysdale, I could put my arm around you and have half of it left over. You've got to stop worryin' 'bout bein' fat.

Jed: Mr. Pinckney, we want you to think of yourself as one of the family.
Mr. Pinckney: What a nauseating suggestion.

Jane: [Jane plans to visit local clubs with Jethro to check out bands for the wingding] I'll pick you up early. That'll give us time to catch The Lizards, The Frogs, The Termites, and possibly even The Moles.
Jed: Thanks Miss Jane, but you just worry about the music. Granny'll take care of the vittles.

Jed: Mr. Drysdale give us that bird for a meal, not a pet.
Elly: He's awful smart, pa, and friendly too. Why I learned him to shake hands.
Jed: Elly, he ain't likely to be goin' into politics.

Jed: Maybe you gotta be some kind of a genius to appreciate art like that.
Jethro: Nah, Uncle Jed. I can't see nothin' in it either.

Elly: Granny! Granny! Come quick! The Lone Ranger's ridin' up the driveway.
Jed: The Lone Ranger! He's my hero!
Dash: [wearing a mask and riding a white horse] Hi-yo Granny.
Jed: I'm comin', Kemosabe!
[Granny runs outside]
Jed: Here I am!
[Granny jumps on back and rides away with Dash]
Sam: Who was that masked man?
Elly: Don't you know? That's the Lone Ranger.

Jed: You're a young lady now. I want you to act like one and look like one. Go put on a dress.
Elly: Why Johnny wouldn't even know me with a dress on.
Jed: I'll introduce you. Now scoot.

Daisy: You can help us fight the War of the Roses.
Jed: Now Granny.
Jane: Excuse me, but I think the War of the Roses has already been fought.
Daisy: No, it was supposed to be fought last year, but Sir Chicken here tucked his tail twixt his legs and run.
Jed: I said it before and I'll say it agin. I ain't travelin' 6000 miles to scrap with the folks in the next castle.

Jed: Bon jour mon ami.
Jane: Excellent! Excellent!
Mlle. Denise: Howdy, you furry little varmint.
Jed: Well, if that's French, we've been talkin' it fer years.
Jane: I rather imagine she learned that from listening to Elly May.

Daisy: [Granny is looking for Jethro] Probably took off for town for more girl watchin'.
Jed: Granny, Jethro has done hired hisself out.
Daisy: You mean he gets paid for watchin' girls?

Jed: I'm afraid it's too late. These cookies are burnt brown and hard as rocks.
Elly: I ain't put 'em in the oven yet.

Cedric: I'm Cedric Giles-Evans from the firm representing the estate of your distant cousin, the late Marcus.
Jed: Well I'm very pleased to meet you, Mr. Evans. This here is Granny and my daughter, Elly May.
Daisy: Howdy.
Jed: He says that my cousin Marcus is late.
Cedric: Um, he's deceased.
Jed: Oh, he's in luck 'cause Granny's a doctor.
Elly: What kind of disease does he got?

Jed: [Shorty is behind the hotel desk with only his head and shoulders showing] By doggies, I don't remember you bein' that short.
Shorty: I don't remember bein' this short myself.
[looks down]
Shorty: No wonder, I'm settin' down.

Jed: Who put you back in the cage, Shorty?
Shorty: I put myself in, Jed.
Jed: Why?
Shorty: Elverna was commencin' to look good to me.

Jed: [to the chemist] You can mail us the Shakespeare.
Daisy: [to the chemist] Bring it yourself, honey.

Jethro: Oh, here's somethin' else Mr. Drysdale sent over.
[he opens a box of golf shoes with cleats]
Jed: By doggies, Jethro, them golfs must be the toughest little critters there is. First you shoot 'em, then you club 'em, then you stomp 'em with spikes.
Elly: That ain't all. Miss Jane says to me she says, "When your Pa and Jethro go out to shoot, tell 'em to watch out for the traps."
Jed: Traps too? Oooh I can't wait to tangle with one of them golfs.

Elly: He says it ain't time yet for a meeting of the board.
Jed: Tell him we get bored quicker than city folks.

Jed: Jethro, I reckon we gotta let Granny blow off that head of steam she built up over Lafe Crick or she's gonna be sputterin' and hissin' like that for weeks.
Jethro: I reckon it'd pleasure her a heap to cut loose and speak her mind.
Jed: Granny, what do you think of Lafe Crick?
Daisy: Why he is the laziest, no-account varmint that ever drawed a breath!
Jethro: Go Granny, go.
Daisy: Why the only hard work that he ever done was to turn over in bed! He can get up in the mornin' with nothin' to do and by nightfall, it's only half done!
Jed: That's it, Granny, mean mouth him good.
Daisy: His woman does all the work over at their place. And the only time she ever got him out in the field, she had to sharpen the stump so he couldn't set down!
Jed: Blow the lid off, Granny, let her fly.
Daisy: The only nickle he ever earned was when his Pa paid him 2 bits to stay away from the house! Why he would whitewash his own Ma and rent her out to haunt houses! Why, he's so lazy, even his scarecrows have to set in a chair! You talk about a liar, why that Lafe Crick wouldn't know the truth if he stepped on it bare-footed!

Jed: Boy, I'm gonna give you 24 hours to clean up all this mess.
Jethro: Aw come on, Uncle Jed. I'm gonna clean up. I'm gonna set this world on fire!
Jed: You're gonna clean up alright. Everything. Or you're gonna end up with the seat of your britches on fire.

Jed: Who's this young feller?
Daisy: His name is Pat Boone, Jed. He smelled my collards cookin' and come a-runnin'.
Jed: Well, glad to have you, son. Where you from?
Pat: Tennessee.
Jed: By doggies, I've known Granny's collards to pull 'em in from a long way off, but this is a new record.

David: Well, Sheriff, maybe I do look at things differently than other people. Is that wrong? I live by my wits. I'm not above bending the law now and then to keep clothes on my back or food in my stomach. I live the kind of life that other people would just love to live if they only had the courage. Who's to say that the boy would be happier your way or mine? Why not let him decide?
Andy: Nah, I'm afraid it don't work that way. You can't let a young 'un decide for himself. He'll grab at the first flashy thing with shiny ribbons on it, then when he finds out there's a hook in it, it's too late. The wrong ideas come packaged with so much glitter, it's hard to convince him that other things might be better in the long run, and all a parent can do is say, "Wait. Trust me," and try to keep temptation away.

Daisy: [looking at the signs Jethro made for the boarding house] Did you make a sign about my lye soap?
Jethro: [showing her the sign] Oh yeah Granny. Free lye soap.
Daisy: Oh that will draw them in like flies.
Jed: You got to throw in a little extra with those stiff rates you're charging.
Daisy: Well Jed I'm giving every boarder a private room and all he can eat.
Jed: Yeah but a dollar a night?
Daisy: Well I figure that will keep out the riff-raff.

Jethro: This is goodbye, Uncle Jed,
Jed: Goodbye, boy.
Jethro: We won't meet again 'til you see me on the other side.
Jed: Other side of what?
Jethro: The table. I'll be home for supper.

Colonel: You say he's had 12 years of schooling?
Jed: Clean through the 6th grade.
Colonel: I see, 12 years, 6th grade, but he was the highest in his class?
Jed: By a good 2 feet.

Jed: If he eats her vittles, we'll never get him to the church.
Daisy: Oh he'll get to the church alright, but six of his friends will be totin' him in a box.
Jed: Now Granny, it ain't that bad.
Daisy: It's so bad, Jethro won't eat it. You cain't get worse than that.

Daisy: Are you sufferin' over there without us women folks?
Jed: Granny, any time you're holed up with Jethro, you're bound to do some sufferin'.

Jed: You know the good Lord is lookin' out for you. He'll decide when it's your time to go.
Daisy: When I go is up to Him. Where I go is up to me.

Jed: [Gloria is teaching Jed a new dance] What did you say this one was called?
Gloria: It's called the twist.
Jed: Feller was to dance this in the fresh-plowed field, he'd auger his way right into the ground.

Jed: What we gonna do about Mr. Lester?
Jethro: Yeah, suppose he's still sleepin' when we is ready to start out.
Daisy: We'll just lay him out front on the grass.
Jed: On the grass, with rheumatiz?
Daisy: I'll leave a jug alongside of him. For a week or so, he won't care *where* he is.

Doctor: [trying to settle Jed down] You don't understand. I'm a psychiatrist.
Jed: Well, I'd try to get cured of that, if I was you.

Elly: I dropped my cake on the kitchen table, and it busted into little pieces!
Shorty: That's a shame, Elly.
Jed: Well, I guess that'll keep outta the cake baking contest.
Elly: Oh, no sir. The cake's fine, it's the table I gotta sweep up.

Jed: Granny, it appears you see this job mainly as a way for Elly to meet fellers.
Daisy: How do you see it?
Jed: Same way.

Jed: Why you yell "sooey" at that rascal, you better not stand betwixt him and the trough.

Jed: [Granny ordered Jethro to mount the Confederate flag on the truck] I ain't just sure that that is the official state flag.
Daisy: Jed, this is Southern California.
Jed: Right you are.

Jed: Miss Jane, that was a dandy speech, but I'm afraid that I didn't cut a whole lot of meat out of it neither. I suppose you understood it, Mr. Drysdale?
Milburn: Not a word.
Jane: Chief!
Milburn: Oh, I'm kidding. But I can boil her ten-minute oration down to one simple statement. You'll be paying less money to the government.

Jed: Yonder comes Mrs. Drysdale and she's fetchin a present.
[Mrs. Drysdale arrives with a baby goat]
Jed: Good mornin' Mrs. Drysdale.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Will you please take this animal and keep it here!
Jed: Well thank you very kindly.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: And will you please tell Elly May we have a pet ordinance!
Jed: Oh I'd rather not, she'll be wantin' one.

Jed: Say, you're lookin' a mite green around the gills. Come inside and have a mess of Granny's jowls and sorghum. That'll put you to feelin' bushy tailed.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Mr. Clampett, I'm expecting very important company. Priscilla Ralph Alden Smith-Standish.
Jed: Well bring 'em along. We got plenty for the whole bunch.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Priscilla Rolfe Alden Smith-Standish is only one woman and probably the world's greatest authority on colonial history, early American genealogical origins, and 17th and 18th century artifacts. And she is the esteemed president of the F. F. T. of A.
Jed: Well we sure would be proud to meet her.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: I shall call upon every resource to avert such a social catastrophe!
Jed: Well thank you very kindly.

Jed: Jethro, you swear to be tellin' the truth?
Jethro: So help me, Jefferson Davis.
Daisy: You take yer hat off when you speak of the President.
Jethro: He ain't President no more.
Daisy: I'l have no Yankee talk in my kitchen!

Jed: Howdy ma'am, I see you've come for a refill. Step right in. Granny, lady here needs some more tonic.
Countess: You know, I think I'm in love with you.
Jed: Never mind Granny, she's had enough.

Jethro: Hey Uncle Jed! You shoulda seen Granny whoop Mrs. Drysdale.
Daisy: I was protecting our property. She was tresspassin'.
Jed: Maybe she come over to talk, just to get somethin' off her chest.
Jethro: She sure did. Granny was sittin' on it.

Colonel: Granny did me a big favor when she captured General Grant. He's the producer's cousin and a terrible actor.
Jed: Well, I'd appreciate it if you didn't let on to Granny that he was just a actor. You see, she thinks she captured the real Ulysses S. Grant.
Colonel: He didn't tell her?
Jed: Well, no. You see, they had a few sips out of Granny's jug and he wound up thinkin' he really was Ulysses S. Grant. Before it was over, he apologized for Vicksburg, give back Richmond, and promised to shoot Sherman for burnin' Atlanta.

Jed: What do you think Pearl? You think I oughta move?
Cousin: Jed, how can you even ask? Look around you. You live eight miles from your nearest neighbor. You're overrun with skunks, possums, coyotes, and bobcats. You use kerosene lamps for light. You cook on a wood stove, summer and winter. You're drinkin' homemade moonshine, and washin' with homemade lye soap. And your bathroom is fifty feet from the house. And you ask should you move!?
Jed: [ponders all this] Yeah, I reckon you're right. Man'd be a dang fool to leave all this.

Jed: When I said that we had come to see Mrs. Drysdale, this woman said Mrs. Drysdale ain't havin' no visitors. So I says, "I reckon she's lonely, I'm glad we come."

Sonny: How now, brown cow.
Elly: How now, brown cow.
Jethro: How's it goin', Uncle Jed?
Jed: Bad. Now he's got Elly believin' ol' Duke is a cow.

Jed: All up and down the beach, folks was pickin' up fish and puttin' them in the bucket.
Daisy: What fer?
Jed: Near as I can figger, when the Grunion comes in, you throw the fish at 'em.
Daisy: That ain't gonna turn back no invasion.
Jed: Now Granny, you get hit in the face with a bucket of fish and you ain't exactly gonna feel welcome.

Granny: I been watchin' the tv. The Republicans claim that the Democrats is draggin' their feet, and the Democrats come back and say the Republicans ain't got a leg to stand on.
Jed: I'll say this. You get enough of your tonic into them two parties, this country's gonna have one rip-snortin' election.

Jed: My cousin Pearl tells me she had no more than said "Howdy" and you commenced pullin' her to the settee. By doggies that's droppin' a rusty bucket down my well!

Judge: Are you represented by counsel?
Jed: Am I what by who?

Daisy: Miss Jane is runnin' like the devil hisself is after her.
Jed: I was worried about her goin' out in the woods dressed like that. Like as not, somebody mistook her for a revenuer.
Daisy: Oh, everybody knows there ain't no girl revenuers.
Jed: Yeah, but not everybody knows she's a girl.

Daisy: [Granny is describing women at the supermarket] Oh, it's shameful. Why, them women show more than a sideshow wiggle dancer at a county fair! Ain't you been down there? Ain't you seen 'em?
Jed: No, but you sure put me in a mood to go.

Judge: Rise and address the court.
Jed: Yessir, your courtship.
Judge: Your Honor.
Jed: Aw, just call me Jed.

Jed: [to Granny] Here, have some of this scaldin'-hot coffee. It'll cool you down.

Jed: Granny, the other end of this rope is tied around that hawg's neck.
Daisy: Ooh, it's worse than I thought. He's tryin' to hang hisself.
Jed: Hang hisself?
Daisy: Yeah, amongst hawgs, that's called "sooeycide".

Jed: I know how much you and Mr. Jenkins and these folks enjoy livin' in the castle, so here's a little something for you.
[Jed Hands Mr. Faversham a check]
John: Thank you very much indeed, sir. On behalf of us all... ten million dollars?
Jed: Well that's what Mr. Drysdale says was owed on the place.
Milburn: Mr. Drysdale knows about this?
Jed: Them stains on there is his tears.
Milburn: Goodbye old friend.
John: Goodbye, sir.
Milburn: Not you, the check.

Jed: We is all mighty proud of Jethro. He's the only one in the family that ever made it clean through school.
Jane: Mr. Clampett, Jethro's graduating from the 6th grade, isn't he?
Jed: That's right.
Jane: Then he has to go through at least six more grades.
Jed: Six more?
Jane: Yes.
Jed: Another 12 years.

Jed: [bounces a golf ball on the kitchen table, thinking it's a "golf egg"] Strictly speakin', I don't think these are fresh laid.

Jed: Well, generally a man is ashamed to be known as a home wrecker, but that rascal's got it wrote right across his back!

Jed: Whatcha cookin' tonight, Granny?
Daisy: Mustard greens and possum innards.
Jed: Mmm-mmm. Did you hear that Mr. Brewster?
John: Very clearly.

Jethro: Uncle Jed, It took us 6 days to get out here. How are we gonna get back home in 5 or 6 hours?
Jed: That bus driver must know a doozy of a short-cut.

Jed: Miss Jane wasn't foolin' when she said this rascal was stronger than 12 men.
Jethro: Man, if we ever get him calmed down, he's gonna be a wood-choppin', plow-pullin' son of a gun.

Jethro: I'm in love.
Jed: Who with?
Jethro: Purt near every girl I see.

Jed: You just see that Dash Riprock don't swaller none of that tonic.
Daisy: But what can I do? She ain't gonna get him with her cookin'. You won't let me draw down on him with a 12-gauge. What else is there?

Daisy: They ain't no Vilma and Buddy Ebsen.
Jed: [Jed frowns] Who?

Daisy: Shake hands with my son-in-law, Jed.
Police: O'Clampett is it?
Jed: That's right.

Jed: By doggies, that was a mighty tasty dessert.
Elly: Well, I guess you wasn't just funnin' when you said what you did about chocolate sauce.
Jed: What'd I say?
Elly: Well, you always said you could eat sawdust if they had chocolate sauce on it.
Jed: Elly May, you didn't feed me chocolate covered sawdust, did you?
Elly: 'Course not, Pa.
Jed: Good.
Elly: That was last night's meatloaf.
Jed: Meatloaf?
Elly: Remember, you said it was so good you was gonna save it for dessert.

Daisy: There's no two ways about it. That child is gonna need help to trap that Sonny Drysdale.
Jed: Elly May don't need to trap no man to git him.
Daisy: Every man that ever got git was git that way.
Jed: Not me, we just happened to stop under a shady elm tree and I proposed to your daughter on the spur of the moment.
Daisy: That spur of the moment of yours took us six months schemin' and plannin'. Why we even trained that ole mare of yours to stop under that shady ole elm tree.

Jane: I can wend my way through the forest to the shores of Table Rock Lake and there I hope to find a family of herons.
Daisy: Well, give em our best.
Jed: Was that the Luke Heron?
Jane: Oh, no, no, no, no. The heron I'm looking for stands in the water on his long skinny legs and gobbles up crawdads and frogs in his enormous mouth.
Jed: Well if that ain't Luke Heron, it's his twin brother.

Jed: You know somethin' Granny, these newspapers that Pearl uses for packin' and wrappin' is just about my favorite part of them packages from home.
Granny: What's new, Jed? Anything excitin'?
Jed: You bet. Look at that headline, "Government Puts 3 Men on Moon".
Granny: No!
Jed: Yep. Says right here, 3 government men have been put on the job of findin' local still and cuttin' off the supply of moon bein' made hereabouts.

Madame: Maurice, show these people the door.
Jed: Oh no need to put him to that trouble, ma'am. We seen it when we come in.

Daisy: Will you guard my pot for me?
Jed: Why, sure. But it ain't likely any critter would bother boilin' greens.
Daisy: There's one that will and he's been sittin' up in the tree for the last 3 hours, waitin' for me to go into the house so he can swoop down.
Jed: Sounds like a buzzard.
Daisy: You're close. It's the 10-toed, black-tufted vittles-snatcher.
[points to Jethro in the tree]

Daisy: It was the most disgusting, disgraceful sight. I wanted to cover my eyes.
Jed: Why didn't you?
Daisy: Cause, I'd a fell off the roof.
Jed: You just happened to be sittin' up there on the roof at 4 o'clock in the mornin'?

Jed: Pearl, we just ain't ready for society that high.

Daisy: I know what yer up to. You're wantin' me to feel sorry for that little feller so's I'll give up the idea of goin' home and stay here and help him.
Jed: That's right. is it workin'?
Daisy: Yeah. Doggone it, it is.

Jed: Roy's goin' back home cause Jethro won't take 10% of him.
Daisy: The only thing that boy's got 10% of is a brain.

Daisy: [arriving in Beverly Hills] They call them hills? Why we got moles that can push up higher ridges than that.
Jed: Well leastways they's hills. We'll be among our kind of folks.

Jed: Pearl'd like to get in with those society women like Ms. Drysdale.
Daisy: Yeah. Pearl always was one to want better than what she could afford.
Jed: That's Pearl: too poor to paint and too proud to whitewash.

Jed: When Mrs. Drysdale gets home she's gonna call the PO-lice!
Jethro: No she won't. I gnawed the stump so it'd look like a BEAVER done it!

Daisy: That jackrabbit was here. And Dub Crick is here. And probably his no good Pa along with him.
Jed: Well then uh their car oughta be settin ' out front huh?
Daisy: Yeah! Lets go set fire to it!

Daisy: That animal is standin' on a pair of 200-pound hams.
Jed: That bacon would fill a smokehouse.
Jethro: Look at the size of them pigs knuckles!

Elly: Lance is what you call an Ace. That means he's been in lots of dogfights.
Jed: Oh, my nephew, Jethro's been in a few of them.
Lance: Really?
Jed: Yeah, last one he had was a doozy.
Lance: Tell me, what did he tangle with? A Russian MIG?
Jed: No, it was a French Poodle

Judge: [from Granny's dream] Who gives this woman to be married to this frog?
Jed: I do.
Judge: Mark Templeton, do you take this woman for your lawfully wedded wife?
Mark: Ribbit ribbit.

Geologist: Mr. Clampett, you're a very rich man!
Jed: How big a rock did you bean him with?
Elly: No bigger than a hedge apple.

Jed: Fixin' somethin' special for Lester and Earl, are you?
Daisy: I'm startin' out with cow cud casserole.

John: I think you may have a wrong idea about Beverly Hills.
Jed: Is that where you live?
John: No, my home is in Tulsa.
Jed: Well say, maybe you could get us a place there in your neighborhood.
John: Mr. Clampett, let's not beat around the bush. You will love Beverly Hills.

Jed: Mr. Drysdale, this buggy racin' is something Granny's had in her craw for 30 years now and ain't none of us gonna get no peace and quiet around here 'til she's shed of it.
Milburn: But my wife...
Jed: Now if Granny could just whomp your wife in one race, I figger she'd be satisfies and forget all about it.
Milburn: But I don't...
Jed: Your wife wouldn't mind doin' that, would she? For me?
Milburn: Mr. Clampett, she'd be delighted.

Jed: [Jane explains the tax benefits of a corporation] Mr. Treasurer, you hear all that?
Jethro: Oh yes sir, every word.
Jed: You understand it?
Jethro: No sir, not a word.

Jethro: [from the top of the stairs] Hey Uncle Jed, there's a whole 'nother house up here!
Jed: Jethro, come down from there. That probably belongs to someone else.

Jed: You know what kind of eggs they eat?
Daisy: What?
Jed: Fish eggs.
Daisy: Fish eggs?
Jed: She called 'em, uh, caviar. Little bitty things, mess of 'em on a cracker look for all the world like a charge of soggy buckshot.

Jed: Looks like we're in for a real battle.
Daisy: Is they comin'?
Jed: No. I mean keepin' Jethro outta the vittles.

Jed: Granny, A high-steppin' filly like the countess wouldn't hitch up to a old plow mule like me.
Daisy: What about Humphrey? He was twice your age and she married him.
Jed: Only because she was tonic'ed to the eyeballs.

Jed: I'm awful sorry, but I'm gonna have to let you go. Oh, I'll see to it you get a check for a month's salary.
Maria: Celery, si. Celery, you like?
Jed: Yes ma'am, but
[Maria starts cutting celery]
Jed: Miss Maria, ma'am, I'm just gonna have to come out and say this blunt. You're fired.
Maria: Fire, si.
[turns on the stove]
Maria: I cook good celery.
Jed: I'm afraid what we got here is a failure to communicate. I'll have my nephew talk to you. He claim to speak Italian.
Maria: Arrivederci.
Jed: No, Jethro.
Elly: How did you do, Pa?
Jed: Outside a gettin' some celery to cookin', I done real poor.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: I'll stump Beverly Hills from one end to the other.
Daisy: Sit down, Granny.
Jed: So will Mrs Drysdale, and she knows everybody and her dog.
Daisy: Just drive the truck, boy.
Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: I've got experience on my side. I've run for Possum Queen 47 times.
Jed: Yeah, but you ain't never won.
Jed: [Granny starts hitting Jethro] Sit down, Granny. Drive the truck, boy. Sit down, Granny. Drive the truck, boy.

Jed: Take Mrs. Drysdale, for a time there she was treatin' us like polecats at a picnic.

Elly: A feller on the radio last night said that Beverly Hills folks is bein' robbed by a cat burglar.
Daisy: Cat burglar?
Jed: By doggies, I can almost understand a starvin' man turnin chicken thief, but why in tarnation would anybody want to steal cats?
Elly: Maybe he's got a powerful lot of mice.

Jethro: Look what I got
[holding a letter]
Jed: From your ma?
Jed: No, from the President.
Daisy: The president of what?
Elly: The president of the whole country.
Daisy: You got a letter from Jeff Davis?

Jane: Have you decided what you'd like to be, Jethro?
Jethro: Yes ma'am. I wanna be a spy.
Jane: A spy?
Jed: Whatever gave you that notion?
Jethro: I seen this movie about a spy, ol' Double Naught Seven. This rascal really had hisself some high old time.

Daisy: Put down the vittles.
Jethro: They won't be safe.
Jed: Put em down boy.
[Jethro puts them down]
Jed: Now they's safe.

Police: I could tell by the look of you, you come from the old sod.
Jed: Old and rocky. We had a devil of a time tryin' to farm there.
Police: Farming people are you?
Jed: We tried, but that land was so poor, you could hardly raise a fuss on it

Tracy: You're deliberately being facetious.
Jed: I am?
Tracy: No one treats me like this! No one!
Jed: Like what, Ma'am?
Tracy: I always get what I want and I'm going to get this house!
Jed: Not for forty dollars you ain't.

Daisy: Elly May's bear is drinkin my moonshine... er, my flu serum.
Jed: Maybe he's got the flu.
Daisy: Well don't just stand there jokin', take it away from him!
Jed: You're the one that's jokin'.

Jed: Looks like Jethro done all right.
Daisy: Found hisself a girl?
Jed: From here, it looks like he found himself a girl and a half.

Shad: Jed, did you sure enough dream of bein' alone on a island with Elverna?
Jed: Worst nightmare I ever had.

Jethro: My lips are sealed.
Jed: Only time your lips are sealed is when you got a mouthful of soup.

Jed: Even as a baby, Jethro had a mighty unusual hunger.
Daisy: Yeah, there ain't many 3-day-old babies that can tie into a side of bacon like he done.

Daisy: He's got so much book learnin' in his head now, there's no room left in it for any sense.
Jed: But this is a military school. A little taste of army life ain't gonna hurt him.
Daisy: That boy never took a Little taste of nuthin'.

Jane: Your cold cure really works?
Daisy: Positively if you follow directions
Booth: By the way, what are the directions?
Daisy: Take one spoonful of cold cure, eat sensible, get lots of rest and drink plenty of water.
Jed: And in a week or ten days, your cold'll be gone.

Jed: If you wanna know what bait they're bitin' on, ask the fella who's catchin' his limit.

David: [given the task to trim Andy's hedges] First, we must determine precisely what type of atmosphere we desire to create. The, uh, stately, dignified solid feeling of the hedges around Buckingham Palace or the shapely freeform that surrounds the fountains of Rome.
Opie: Pa usually just lops off the tops.

Jethro: I was just doin' my Yogi exercises.
Jed: Hangin' upside down? Then is possum exercises.

Daisy: You want your daughter to be an old maid?
Jed: 'Course not.
Daisy: Next year, she'll be too old to get a husband. She's almost 18!

Elly: Yonder's the statue of Daniel Webster.
Jed: He must be a pretty famous fellow, Jethro.
Jethro: Oh, heck yeah. There's a whole book wrote about him. It's called a dictionary.

Cynthia: I'm afraid, Mummy's not well. Might we have a rain check?
Jed: Why you betcha you can. Just a moment... Granny, is it gonna rain tonight?

Jed: Elly, you take this courtin' cider and put it back in the keg, real gentle.
Elly: But Pa, Granny was countin' on this to help Mr. Cushing to fall for her quicker.
Jed: Might help him fall quicker, but he'll be a lot longer gettin' up.

Elly: Whenever we were in trouble, the quarterback would call my number.
Daisy: And you'd tell him what to do on the phone, huh?
Elly: No, I was in the game. He'd call on me to take a hand off.
Jed: Take your hand off what?

Jed: 32 rooms in this house and something tells be it ain't gonna be big enough.

Daisy: Wait a minute, Jed. When we was on that train, Christmas night, I recollect Sam Drucker lookin' out the window and sayin' he seen a bear drivin' a truck.
Jed: Yeah, we just thought he'd had too much egg nog.
Jethro: That was Fairchild. I learned him how to drive so he could spell Mr. Drysdale at the wheel.
Daisy: A bear?
Jethro: He ain't bad, Granny. He hogs the road a lot, but the other drivers never complain.

Jed: You one of them double naught spies?
Mabel: No.
Jethro: They number girl spies different. She's what you call a 36-23-36.
Mabel: Actually, I'm in new accounts at the Merchants Bank. I'd like to talk to you about using our facilities as a repository for some of your enormous reserves.
Jed: Well I'll be glad to talk to you about that a whatever it means.

David: I don't mean to break the law but seems I got no choice. If I move, I'm a vagrant. If I stand still, I'm loitering.

Jethro: We is gettin' married tomorrow in Westminster Abbey.
[Granny groans]
Jethro: I never seen Granny so happy. I'm gonna go tell Elly.
Jed: Have you told her uncle?
Jethro: She's gonna tell him. He's gonna give her away.
Daisy: He's got her priced right.

Jed: I sure would like to meet your wife, Howard.
Howard: No you wouldn't, Jed. That is the naggingest woman that ever lived. She's the reason I got so much land.
Jed: Whatcha mean?
Howard: So that I can hide from her.

Daisy: After the casserole, I'm bringin' on a steamin' platter of tadpole turnovers.
Jed: Mmm mmm

Daisy: Hit him in the nose, Jed. Make him let go of that jug.
Jed: And who's gonna make him let go of me?

Jed: Let me smell your breath.
Daisy: Not while you're smokin'.
Jed: I thought so.

Jed: Miss Jane is comin' out here today with the Beverly Hills Nest of The Biddle Birdwatchers. Why don't you meet some of them girls?
Jethro: Uncle Jed, you ever seen any of them birdwatchers? Heck fire, I'd just as soon look at the birds.

Daisy: I fixed him a steamin' hot bowl of owl soup, and you know what he said?
Jed: No, what?
Daisy: He said, "It's cool, Mama, real cool."
Jed: [Jed picks up the empty bowl] Well, he sure cleaned it up.
Daisy: That's another thing. All the time he was slurpin' it down, he kept sayin', "This is too much."

Jethro: I'm killin' myself.
Jed: When?
Jethro: Right now.
Jed: How are you doin' it?
Jethro: I'm starvin to death.
Daisy: Starvin' to death?
Jethro: Yes ma'am. I ain't had no vittles all day. Another few minutes and I'll be dead.

Jed: You know the Sibley sodbuster do you?
Phyllis: Oh no, but I'll learn, and I'm going to show you a few things along the way.
[dances suggestively around Jed]
Jed: Dogged if that ain't got the Sibley sodbuster backed right off the floor.

Daisy: Shoot us!
Jed: What?
Daisy: Don't leave us to the mercy of them red devils!
Jed: Drive on, boy.
Jethro: Ain't we gonna shoot 'em?
Jed: Drive on, boy!

Jed: Do spies eat as good as soldiers and sailors?
Jethro: Well gee, I dunno. This movie didn't have much eatin' in it, mostly fightin' and lovin'.
Jed: Well you can't keep that up for long without eatin' somethin'.

Jane: [inquiring after Jethro's Oxford credentials] I presume he went to Eaton as a boy?
Jed: If I know Jethro, he went to eatin' the minute he was born.
Jane: Yes of course. I suppose his father matriculated him?
Jed: I kinda think maybe it was his ma.

Jake 'J.D.' Clampett: I would like to present Hollywood's newest and most glamorous star, the queen of the silver screen, that dazzling beauty, Miss Venus Adore.
Jed: Howdy Ma'am.
Elly: Howdy Pa.
Daisy: Holy jumpin' toad gizzards! It's Elly May!

Jed: [trying to revive the Green Knight] Maybe some water'll bring him around.
Daisy: Yeah.
[opens his canteen and sniffs it]
Daisy: Jed, if this is water, we gotta find the crick it come from.
[takes a swig]
Daisy: That's what you call water!
Jed: You sure?
Daisy: Distilled water!
[takes another swig]
Jed: Granny, it's for him.

Milburn: This lady's a friend of yours from back in the hills?
Jed: Oh no, her friends wasn't backwoods cornhuskers like us. She lives in the city.
Milburn: Oh well, maybe there is a chance. Now wait a minute, you're not talking about Bug Tussle are you?
Jed: No. Bug Tussle's a town. She lives in the city.
Milburn: Oh good! What city?
Jed: Turkey Shoot.

Daisy: We is high up. Look at that little cow down there. He ain't no bigger 'an a ant.
Jed: Granny, that is a ant... on your window.

Jethro: Uncle Jed, I almost hated to gradiate. I was a real BMOC.
Jed: A what.
Jethro: Well that stands for Big Man on Campus. As a matter of fact, I was a OMOC, Only Man on Campus.

Jed: It's a mite too raw for drinkin' now, Miss Countess. That tonic ain't nothin' to fool with when it's green.
Countess: Really?
Jed: Yes Ma'am. I remember when Granny used to make it in a hollow stump. After she drawed it off, many a time I seen that ol' stump get up and go off through the woods lookin' for bear.

Daisy: Why them durn-fool, crazy, mixed-up college kids, they made a mistake!
Elly: Well, what do you mean?
Daisy: I've been doctorin' over 50 years and they give the certificate to Jed.
Jed: What's all the shoutin' about down there?
Daisy: Well, yonder he comes, the college doctor, the one with the fancy piece of paper that says he knows everything. How do you cure the vapors? What do you do for quinsy?

Jed: For a while there, you was keen on bein' a brain surgeon.
Jethro: Why, them rascals don't even lay in the same kraut barrel with the double naughts. Why, a brain surgeon might go for days without doin' no worthwhile fightin' or lovin'.

Jed: I'm gettin lazy as ol' Duke there. He's so lazy, he's got to lean up against somethin' to bark.

Jed: [remembering a time Granny broke her hip on the ice] The poor woman was limpin' fer two days.

Jed: Well, who might this young lady be?
Jethro: She's Miss Kitty Devine, the girl that called me a creep, run over my foot, and sicced her dog on me. My sweetheart!

Jed: He had to go back to Silver Dollar City. See, with everybody gone, the population dropped down to 24.
Jane: I don't understand.
Jed: Well, he's gotta go back to get it back up to 25, so as the town can qualify for government aid.
Jane: I wish we might have said "au revoir."
Milburn: Two of the most beautiful words in our language.
Jane: Chief, "au revoir" is French.
Milburn: I was talking about "government aid."

Jed: [watching a film of a rocket launch for a weather satellite] I ain't seen nothing like that since the time your still blew up.

Jethro: There's somethin' I'm gonna need right away and that's iron for my hat.
Jed: Iron for your hat?
Jethro: Yes sir. There was this fella in the movie that had a iron hat. He kept throwin' it at Double Naught Seven.
Jed: What fer?
Jethro: Tryin' to kill him.
Jed: Why didn't he just shoot him?
Jethro: I can't tell you that neither.

Daisy: Jed, I'm plumb tuckered out. Fetch my jug. After a few jolts, I'll be able to see more.
Jed: Yeah, two of everythin'.

Daisy: Sit down, Lester. Have some breakfast.
Lester: No thank you, Granny. I had one of Gladys' hoecakes first thing this mornin'.
Jed: Well that ain't enough to hold a man who was choppin' wood at the crack of dawn.
Lester: I wasn't choppin' wood, I was tryin' to slice that hoecake.

Jed: [Granny fills a glass from her jug] Who ya pourin' that fer?
Daisy: Oh, that's for Miss Carrington. I think she's gonna drop over.
Jed: She will if she drinks that. Then she'll lay there for a spell.

Dean: [Jed is asked to give an acceptance speech upon receiving his honorary degree] You have an inspirational success story for those young people.
Milburn: I think just a simple thank-you would be best.
Dean: Nonsense, we all want to hear the inspiring story of how Mr. Clampett made his fortune.
Jed: Well, I could tell 'em that. It's short. Ya see, Granny was honin' for some gopher gravy. I went down to the slough to shoot one, but just as I cut loose, that little varmint skedaddled, and oil come a oozin' outa that slough just like sorghum out of a leaky hog trough. That's how I made my fortune.
Dean: Perhaps a simple thank-you would be best.

Elly: And I'll learn you wrasslin' so as the big kids won't be pickin' on you.
Armstrong: Oh, I'd like that. And perhaps I could assist you in some subject. How about English?
Elly: Thank you, little Deusey, but I done been learned to talk that. I kind of have a hankerin' for history though. What you studyin' in that?
Armstrong: At present, we're on the Civil War.
Daisy: You mean the war betwixt the Yankees and the Americans?
Jed: You boys run along now, you're excused.
Daisy: Just a minute, sonny. Who'd they learn you won that war?
Jed: Granny, the boys got studyin' to do.
Daisy: I want an answer to my question. We is payin' school taxes and I wanna know that they're learnin' our young-uns the truth. Now, who did they say won, the North or the South?
Jed: [sings] Oh I wish I was in Dixie, down south, the South.
[winks at Dueser]
Daisy: Hush up, Jed. I can't hear the boy's answer.
Armstrong: Why Madam, every true student of history knows that the glorious army of that brilliant and beloved leader, General Robert E. Lee, were never really defeated.
Daisy: Hallelujah! Stay fer supper.
Jethro: Hey little Deusey, didn't our history teacher over to the school say...
Armstrong: [sings] Oh I wish I was in Dixie, down south, the South.
Daisy: Smart little feller, but I gotta learn him the right words to "Dixie."

Daisy: I come up with a cold cure 45 years ago.
Jane: You did?
Daisy: Well I thought everybody knew. It was wrote up in the Razorback Hog Breeders Gazette.
Jed: Right on the front page.

Mr. Pinckney: I'd like to prepare for you a gourmet dinner.
Daisy: [whispering to Jed] What do ya reckon a gourmet is?
Jed: [in a low voice] I dunno, but if he fries it good in lard, I reckon we can eat it.

Chemist: If I could write the beauty of your eyes, And in fresh numbers number all of your graces, The age to come would say 'This poet lies; Such heavenly touches ne'er touched earthly faces.'
Daisy: What do you make of that, Jed?
Jed: Guess he kinda took a shine to you.

Mr. Brubaker: Have you heard anything from the police?
Jed: Well, no. For a while there, I was afraid Mrs. Drysdale next door was gonna call 'em, but we think we figured a way to keep her quiet. Jethro, you got that hole dug for Mrs. Drysdale?
Jethro: Yes sir, Uncle Jed.
Jed: Fine and dandy. We'll plant her as soon as we take car of Granny.

Daisy: [to Jed] It ain't what you got, it's what you ain't got, that's ailing you.
Jed: Well, what is it we ain't got?
Daisy: I could tell you in three words: fe-male company.

Daisy: Oh please, Jed, just let me give her one barrel.
Jed: No.
Daisy: I'll give her a 50-foot runnin' start.
Jed: Nope.
Daisy: A hundred foot, and you can hold my glasses.
Jed: Now, hold your glasses is a real good idea.
[takes Granny's glasses]
Daisy: Hand me that gun, Jed, I can still salt her britches!
Jed: Nope.
Daisy: I can't miss a target that big!

Jethro: I need to talk to you. I got trouble.
Jed: What kind of trouble?
Jethro: Girl trouble.
Jed: What kind of girl trouble?
Jethro: The worst kind. I ain't got one.

Elly: I sure hope Maria gets to stay.
Jed: On thing's certain. We can't let her go home to Venice. Not right now.
Elly: How come?
Jed: Look at that.
[shows Elly a postcard from Maria's family in Venice]
Jed: They is havin' one of the worst floods I ever seen.

Jed: Ya know, when it comes to gettin' a husband, the best spoonin' is done in the kitchen!

Jed: You cut down one of our trees to make that?
Jethro: No sir. Cut down one of Mrs. Drysdale's.
Jed: Why?
Jethro: So Granny won't know about it.
Jed: Well, Mrs. Drysdale will know about it. She's gonna yell bloody murder.
Jethro: She ain't home.
Jed: When she comes home and sees what you done, she'll likely call the police.
Jethro: No she won't. I gnawed the stump so it looked like a beaver done it.

Daisy: [Using her mind-reading potion to find out what Mrs. Drysdale wants for Christmas] Wait, I see it, clear as a bell. It's shoes! She wants new shoes.
Jed: Granny, them's your shoes. Your potion done et through the table.

Jed: I don't know what I'd do without you, Jethro, but I'm willin' to give it a try.

Jed: A widow knows all about men. The only man that knows about *her* is dead!

Jed: [to Dr. Clyburn] You better wait out here until I talk to her. Sometimes, Granny starts shootin' before she finds out what flag yer flyin'.

Milburn: Lady Clementine hasn't eaten in 400 years.
Jed: 400 years?
Daisy: She'll be hungrier than Jethro.

Jed: Can't you see she's just usin' you to get what she wants. She's the most willful headstrong spoiled-rotten woman that...
Jethro: Uncle Jed, I'll have to ask you not to talk that way about the woman that I'm going to marry.

Lester: Oh the best durn soap is Granny's lye soap/It gets yer clothes much whiter/You can bet your hat it'll make dirt scat/And make your whole day brighter.

Jed: Why is he hidin'?
Daisy: He thinks that little girl from Louisiana is still here waitin' to marry him.
Jed: Well why don't you leave him a note and tell him she's gone?
Daisy: All right Jed. I'll do that, but I can still use a few more days of peace and quiet. I'll leave the note next Monday.
Jed: Granny... make it Tuesday.

Buddy: Maybe you can help me, I'm lost.
Jed: Looking for a barbershop, are you?

Daisy: Californy weather has took my appetite.
Jethro: Well it ain't took mine. I'm starvin!
Daisy: Go eat some smog.
Jed: You may have just solved one of the biggest problems out here, Granny. If he can trap that stuff on a plate, he might just get rid of it.

Jed: Forget about them girls, Shorty. Elverna's got everything they got.
Shorty: I wonder where she keeps it.

Jed: I declare, Granny, the huntin' in these Beverly Hills is gettin' sorrier every day. Me and Duke went as far back in the brush as you could go. The only thing we flushed out was a couple of real estate agents.

Daisy: I ain't happy with my job.
Jed: Vice President?
Daisy: That's it. I just had Jethro look up that the word "vice" means, and I ain't gonna be president of no such goings on!

Elly: You didn't hurt my gorilla, did you Granny?
Daisy: You fetch him back and I'll fan his tail till he lights up like a lightnin' bug
Jed: Granny, you and that ape best call it a draw. You kicked him down the cellar steps, he throwed you through the door. Keep this up and somebody's gonna get hurt.

Jethro: [Jed and Jehtro are discussing a "fast" girl back in the hills] Uncle Jed, she handed me a big old sugar cookie, looked at me and said, "Jehtro, if you had a choice between that cookie and me, which one would you take". Uncle Jed, that's when I found out just how fast she was!
[Jed leans in close to hear the rest of the story]
Jethro: I had to run nearly a mile to get away from her with that cookie!
Jed: [Disgusted] Jethro, some day me and you got to have a long talk.

Jed: You mind explainin' to me what a guru is?
Jethro: Guru is one of them teachers over in India. They know all the secrets of the far east. They teach you how to meditate, go out of your mind.
Jed: I think you're gettin the hang of that.

Milburn: [Presents Jed with a gift] With my compliments.
Jed: Well doggies! Would you look at that?... What is it?
Milburn: It's a genuine imported Oriental magic music maker.
Jethro: Hot dog! A Japanese transistor radio!

Countess: My last husband was an earl.
Jed: Oh, well I got a cousin that pretty near married Earl.
Countess: Really?
Jed: Yeah, Earl Scruggs, you know him?

Jed: No offense, ma'am, but you're kinda hard to understand. Whereabouts are you from?
Mlle. Denise: Je ne vous comprend pas.
[I do not understand you]
Jed: Oh well, I bet you it's a nice place.

Jed: Whatcha doin'. boy?
Jethro: Learnin' this ol' hound dog to fetch sticks.
Jed: Seems to me you been at that about 10 years now.
Jethro: Yeah, I reckon he's just too dumb.
Jed: He's just too smart.
Jethro: Whatcha mean?
Jed: What do Duke want with sticks? He ain't no beaver.
Jethro: But other dogs fetch sticks.
Jed: That's their problem. Duke's got you to do it fer him.

Jethro: And then I kissed her.
Jed: You did?
Jethro: I did, there was still some icing left on her lips.

Jed: [the Sheik said that he has 240 wives] With that many wives, a fella could be pretty sure of comin' home at night and findin' at least *one* in a good mood!

Jed: Mornin' Granny. How's your rheumatiz?
Daisy: What rheumatiz?
Jed: Pearl said you was havin' some twinges last night. That's how come she put a little mountain dew into your squirrel soup.
Daisy: Pearl spiked my soup?
Jed: Yeah, she figgered it would help you to sleep. And you was likin' it too, Granny, you kept askin' for another slug of soup.

Jed: I'm way overdue for havin' a long talk with that boy.
Elly: Why you keep puttin' it off?
Jed: I reckon it's cause the short ones are so distressin'.

Daisy: You know where my mink coat is right now?
Jed: Where?
Daisy: In the top of a tree, full a baby eagles.
Jed: Now Granny.
Daisy: Their mama and me fought nigh over ten minutes for that coat, but with them claws on her, she could get a better purchase on it.

Jed: Ain't a gorilla a critter?
Jethro: Well, yeah. Except he's smarter than most. Purty near as smart as me.
Jed: Do tell.
Jethro: Pretty near as big as me too, and can work like me.
Daisy: Well, if he eats like you, forget it. I ain't cookin' for another table buzzard.

Jed: Granny, when you got as many young'uns as the Fettys, you don't need too big a reason for gettin' shed of one.
Daisy: They sure had a housefull, didn't they?
Jed: They did for a fact. You throwed a roack on that roof, it looked like school was lettin' out.

Jed: Oh Mr. Drysdale, she shot at yer hat. That little old woman goes to throwin' lead at you, you'd be castin' a polka-dot shadow.

Jed: Accordin' to Mr. Drysdale, we're gonna be shootin' some game called golf.
Daisy: What in tarnation is a golf?
Jed: Well, I don't rightly know, Granny, but they must be thicker 'n crows in a corn pasture around here cuz Mr. Drysdale says everybody in Beverly Hills shoots 'em.
Daisy: Ain't never seen no strange critters runnin' around. They must live in holes in the ground, like a gopher.
Jed: Yeah, I reckon maybe you're right. Just the other day I heard him say he shot 9 holes of golf and got 57.

Jethro: What are you holdin' under the table, Uncle Jed?
Jed: None of your business, now get out.
Jethro: Why, you're polishin' your shoes! Hey Ma, Granny, Elly May, Uncle Jed's polishin' his shoes and it ain't even Sunday!

Jed: So, you called Elverna?
Shorty: Yep. I told her I heard about her fixin' up the hotel and I asked her if she'd sell the hotel to me.
Shad: What did she say?
Shorty: She said, no she wouldn't. She said business was good and the hotel was full of traveling salesmen. Then I asked her if it was true she had won a beauty contest. She said it was.
Jed: See?
Shorty: Then I offered her a $200 profit and she still said no. So, we got to dickering back and forth and forth and back and finally she said to me, Shorty Kellems she said, The only way you'll ever get your hands on this hotel again is if you marry me.
Shad: What did you say Shorty?
Shorty: Shad, I thought it over for a minute. Then I hit her with them three little words: Kiss my foot!
Shorty: [to Jed and Shad] Let's play checkers.

Elly: Miss Hathaway says it's a Californy sun dress.
Jed: I'd let no son of mine wear it, daughter neither.

Jed: You know what, Granny? The city of Beverly Hills is gonna have a queen.
Granny: No!
Jed: And you know how they're gonna pick the queen?
Granny: How?
Jed: They're gonna have all the girls run a foot race!
Granny: Well, I'll be switched.

Jed: You told me that the government up in Washington was hurtin' for money and deep in debt.
Milburn: Yes, but...
Jed: I can't let the government pay for Jethro when I got all them millions just layin' here in your bank.

Daisy: Jed! Jed!
Jed: What's the matter, Granny?
Daisy: It's Lafe Crick, that good-fer-nuthin', low-down, lazy, vittle-stealin', liquor-drinkin' gully jumper.
Jed: Granny, I thought you blowed off all that steam.
Daisy: I did, but he's back and I'm comin' to a boil agin.

Jed: I got an idea. Let's get us a bull.
Daisy: What?
Jed: Now hear me out. We been wantin' to have a good old-fashioned barbecue.
Daisy: But Jethro will go to fightin' it.
Jed: Not for long. Appears to me there ain't nothin' a man can get his fill of faster than scrappin with a bull.
Daisy: Aren't you afraid he'll get hurt?
Jed: Nah, good stout bull can take care of hisself.

Milburn: I suppose you might call that an inside joke.
Jed: Oh! Well, come on inside and tell it.

Jed: I know it don't sound like much, but Mr. Brewster seemed to set great store by the fact he's going to pay me in some new kind of dollar.
Cousin: There ain't no new kind of dollar.
Jed: Well it was new to me. I've heard of gold dollars, silver dollars, paper dollars, but he said he's gonna pay me in a... what'd he call them, Granny?
Granny: Million dollars.

Dr. Roy Clyburn: I came to see Granny.
Jed: Oh, well I don't know, she ain't in one of her very best moods and at best, you two get along about as good as two dogs and only one bone.

Daisy: Jed, can I have my glasses and shotgun back?
Jed: You could have had your glasses if you hadn't asked for the shotgun.
Daisy: Whatcha mean?
Jed: I'm afraid you still got it in for Mrs. Drysdale.
Daisy: Well I asked the Lord to fill my heart with love for the woman, like you said.
Jed: Did He do?
Daisy: Jed, is it my fault that he don't like her neither?

Daisy: We dasn't wait any longer to get that girl a husband. Cousin Pearl says that folks back home are beginnin' to talk, askin' about your spinster daughter.
Jed: That's back in the hills. Out here, girls seen to reach their prime a mite later.
Daisy: Now Jed, lets not fool ourselves with city talk. You know and I know that prime is 14. Anything over that and you're slidin' downhill.

Jed: Granny, the way he's thumpin' hisself, I think he's got a touch of heartburn.

Jed: How you feelin' Mr. Epps?
Sheldon: Crazy!
Jed: Yeah, but you're gonna get well.

Daisy: Elly, you go get Duke. We'll give her a big Beverly Hills welcome.
Jed: Beverly Hills welcome?
Daisy: I'll slam the door in her face and Elly'll sic the dog on her.

Jed: Mr. Drysdale, I know you been totin' a crushin' burden, but I got good news for you.
Milburn: Good news?
Jed: I'm goin' to take my $80 million outa your bank. Fetch in the wheelbarrow, Granny. Well Doggies! It worked already.
[Mr. Drysdale has passed out on the floor]
Jed: He's sure sleepin' now isn't he?
Daisy: Just like a baby.

Jed: Kind of sorry I showed Granny Mrs. Drysdale's tomato. Sure put grit in her gizzard.

Jed: I'll try talkin' Granny into lettin them stay.
Elly: Do you think you can?
Jed: Maybe, but it's gonna be harder than givin' a bath to a bobcat.

Mr. Pinckney: I will dress you, sir.
Jed: You'll what?
Mr. Pinckney: Dress you, sir.
Jed: I wouldn't bet on that.
Mr. Pinckney: But you need my help, sir.
Jed: I been dressin' myself for a lotta years and I aim to keep right on doin' it.
Mr. Pinckney: I insist, sir.
Jed: You wanna dress me, you got to shoot me and skin me first.

Elly: How do you like my joggin' outfit?
Jed: That's real cute, Elly, but you're showin' more meat than a butcher's window.

Jed: [calling a square dance] Swing your partner, all sashay, allemande left and Doris Day. Yeehaw!

Sam: He raises barley, corn, rye.
Daisy: You can make good stuff outta them.
Jed: Granny!
Daisy: I mean stuff like bread.
Jed: Sure you do.
Howard: If you ever happen to come by my place, drop in. I'll give you three fingers of "bread".

Jed: I declare, this is the nosiest family a man was ever burdened with.
Daisy: Well lookit them shoes, all fresh oiled.
Elly: Fancy new laces, too!
Cousin: And them's his best socks.
Jethro: And it ain't even Sunday.
Cousin: Son, every day's Sunday when you're in love.
Jed: Now that takes the rag offen the bush. I ain't in love and I just oiled my shoes 'cause they was squeakin'.
Daisy: They been squeakin' for 15 years as I remember. You ain't never oiled 'em.

Jed: I'm sorry about the boy. I'd like to say he ain't hisself today, but I'm afraid he is.

Shorty: Jed, Granny, where is my big, beautiful doll?
Jed: You mean Elverna or Gloria?
Shorty: I said beautiful Jed. That narrows it down to Gloria.

Daisy: [Mrs. Drysdale is helping Mr. Drysdale with a leg cramp] She's gonna grab that other leg of his and make a wishbone out of him.
Jed: Maybe it's some sort of a game, Granny.
Daisy: Well if it is, there's gonna be an undertaker keepin' score.

Daisy: What's that, Jed?
Jed: Well, it's supposed to be 25 pounds of English money, but whoever weighed it must've had his thumb on the scale.

Daisy: I got a campaign to run.
Jed: Granny, I think you done enough runnin' for a while. I declare, you look like the last prune in the box.

Daisy: Well I'm done waitin' on Mr. do-nothin' Drysdale. He can't even get his own secketary a husband.
Jed: Well maybe he ain't tryin'. Maybe Miss Jane ain't ready to git married.
Daisy: Ain't ready? have you ever seen the way she looks at Jethro?
Jed: Kinda like a hungry hound lookin' in a butcher's window.

Jed: I'm goin' back to bed.
Daisy: You mean you ain't goin' to fight with yer family?
Jed: I been fightin' with you for 2 days.
Daisy: I mean shoulder to shoulder agin Grant and his bushwhackin' fureigners.

Shad: Shorty's mended his ways, Granny.
Jed: Yeah, he's repented, give up sinnin'.
Daisy: Got the Spirit, huh?
Shorty: Who told you?... Oh, that Spirit, yeah. Hallelujah!

Jed: It just don't seem neighborly for us to keep to ourselves the way we do.
Daisy: It ain't us that's stand-offish, it's our neighbors. They were from the very start. Why when we moved in here, nary a one of 'em lifted a finger to help us.
Jed: But they didn't know we was movin' in, Granny. Since then, every single one has offered to help us move out.

Jed: We was just wonderin' how everybody was gettin' along over there.
John: Quite well, sir, thank you, considering the fact that we're running the castle with a skeleton staff.
Jed: They got trouble alright. Their servants are down to skin and bones.

Milburn: I would like to say that I know Mr. Arthur Pinckney to be a man of good character. And I will vouch for him.
Jane: I, too, know Arthur Pinckney, and he is a man of unimpeachable integrity, impeccable demeanor, and irrefutable probity. Thank you.
Jed: Well that's one fer and one against.

Mrs. Smith: May I get some pictures?
Jed: What kind of pictures?
Mrs. Smith: Still pictures.
Daisy: She's a dad-blamed revenooer!

Buddy: Tell me something, old timer. Do you smoke crawdads?
Jed: I have.
Buddy: How about you?
Jane: No, not I.
Buddy: I'm glad you're driving.

Daisy: I still say we're gonna find her sugar is mostly sand.
Jed: You been grousin' for 3 years cuz Mrs. Drysdale ain't a good neighbor. Now she's tryin' to be one and you're still peckin' at her.
Daisy: Jed, I've heared of sweet milk turnin' sour, but never the other way 'round.

Milburn: Oh, Elly May, wouldn't you like to try to hit one of the targets?
Elly: Shore would!
Milburn: Well, which gun would you like to use?
Elly: [pulls out a slingshot] Don't want no gun!
Jed: Elly May don't much cotton to firearms.
Milburn: Don't tell me she's gonna try to hit...
Elly: [sets herself, pulls back slingshot] Pull!
[launches perfect shot to shatter clay pigeon, sets arms akimbo and beams with satisfaction, Drysdale gets dejected, blank look on his face]

Milburn: You mean to tell me you shoot flies sitting on that wall out there?
Jed: No, that wouldn't be sportin'. We get 'em on the wing.
Milburn: Impossible.
Jethro: Oh no it ain't, Mr. Drysdale. We just smear a little sorghum on the wall and get 'em when they buzz in for a landin'.
Jed: The trick is not to get a bee. You get a bee, you miss your turn.

Justin: We're going to try something new with Daisy. We're going to fly over her with high-altitude air force jets.
Jed: You mean airplane?
Justin: Bombers, the biggest we've got. And we're going to drop silver iodide and dry ice right in her eye!
Jed: Government or no government, I reckon I can't let you do that.

Granny: You can't get acquainted with these folks out here. I've been tryin' all mornin'. I put on my friendly hat, brung out my rocker and a jug of hard cider, and I've been settin' here wavin' and hollerin' at folks and pointin' to my jug.
Jed: And nobody stopped?
Granny: Only a policeman. That's where my jug went. He took it to the police station.
Jed: I bet you got a bunch of friends down there by now.

Jed: This here is Jed Clampett. Are you the weatherman?
Justin: I am the supervisor of meteorological observations for this area.
Jed: Oh well, I was wantin' the weatherman.
Justin: Your speaking to him. I am Justin Addison.
Jed: Well shucks, don't feel bad about that, I'm just a Clampett.

Milburn: You know, I'm responsible for bringing Robert and Elly together.
Jed: Is that a fact?
Daisy: Bless you, Mr. Drysdale.
Milburn: Yes, I could see immediately that theirs would be a perfect union.
Daisy: Perfect what?
Milburn: Union.
Daisy: You mean confederacy!
Milburn: I stand corrected.

Jethro: You know somethin' Jed? That there is a real dumb dog.
Jed: Well I don't think he's so dumb, Jethro. He just learned you how to fetch sticks for him.

Jane: What precipitated the altercation?
Jed: Well uh, huh?
[Jed looks confused]
Milburn: What are they fighting about?
Jed: Oh, well, they can't seem to agree about the weather.

Jed: What's all the ruckus, Granny? Who was that?
Daisy: Dad-blamed revenooer!

Jed: When a boy Jethro's age gets to carryin' on like a heifer in a hailstorm, you can just about plant corn on there bein' a girl behind it.

Jane: I can't believe that Jethro would actually rocket himself into the air and expect to fly.
Jed: It's all he can think about anymore. Ain't nuthin' in his head but space.
Daisy: You can say that agin.
Jed: Well, I didn't mean for it to come out the way it did. What I meant was the boy... I believe I'll let it stand.

Jed: Granny, are you fixin' to tell me somethin'?
Daisy: Not while you got that ax in your hand I ain't.

Daisy: Jed, how come Jake and Dora didn't write us their daughter was comin' to Californy?
Jed: Could be cuz they can't write.

Daisy: Well, the first thing to do is get her into a dress. She's gettin' too old to be wearin' a man's duds. Lookee here - she done popped the buttons off her shirt again.
Jed: Well, Elly May carries herself proud... with her shoulders thrown back.
Daisy: It ain't her shoulders that's poppin' these buttons.

Jed: i cain't just take my money outa Mr. Drysdale's bank without a good reason.
Daisy: I'll give you plenty of reason. Has Mr. Drysdale ever took us out like Mr. Cushing done last night? Has Mr. Drysdale ever brung me a orchid? Has Mr. Drysdale ever danced with me like Mr. Cushing done?
Jed: Well no Granny, but Mr. Drysdale's got a wife. Mr. Cushing's a single man.
Jed: There's the best reason of all.

Jane: Beverly Hills is full of obstetricians.
Jed: Set in their ways, huh?

David: You know, I've grown awful fond of that young fellow. What's wrong?
Andy: Well, there seems to be something wrong with his thinkin'. He's gotten a little twisted on things lately, like bein' able to tell the difference between right and wrong.
David: Oh.
Andy: Not that that's an easy thing. A lot of grownups still strugglin' with that same problem, but 'specially difficult for a youngster, 'cause things rub off on 'em so easy.

Jed: [In front of Grauman's Chinese Theatre] Somebody has sure gone and messed up this poor man's ceement.
Jethro: Looks like there was a whole bunch of 'em.
Jethro: Bold rascals too. Wasn't enough to go tromping through it with their feet, they had to stick their hands in it too and write their names!

Jed: Forget for a minute that you're Elly May's cousin. Now speakin' as just a young feller, whose figure would you pick? Miss Jane's or Elly May's?
Jethro: Well, Miss Jane's.
Jed: Why?
Jethro: Heck fire, if I had Elly's figure, I'd look like a girl!

Lester: Say Jed, how come you ain't married up with one of these Beverly Hills women?
Jed: Why shucks, Lester, these fine high-steppin' society fillies ain't about to jump into double harness with a ole country plow horse like me.
Earl: We done alright and you wouldn't exactly call us Kentucky Derby winners.

Jed: Now don't get riled up at Pearl. I reckon she's just tryin' to be helpful.
Daisy: She's about as helpful as a alligator in a swimmin' hole.

Jed: [Elly May is holding a skunk] Granny'd appreciate it if you'd have this little feller sleep with his own family.
Elly: Alright, I'll go get the others in.
Jed: No, no , no, outdoors with his family.

David: It's the most perfect day to start any job - tomorrow. Most marvelous day that was ever invented. Why, there's absolutely nothing a man can't do... tomorrow.

Banzai: This girl, Elly May?
Jed: That's right. She's my daughter.
Banzai: Oh, so sorry. Once again, Miko become light of my life.

Shorty: Jed, you forgettin' we was boys together. We run in a pretty fast crowd and you was the fastest.
Jed: Me?
Shorty: You was the wildest girl-chasin'est rascal in the whole county.
Jed: I was not!
Shorty: Somebody in our crowd was.
Jed: How about you?
Shorty: That's who it was!

Jed: Two heads is always better'n one, especially if one belongs to a horse.

Jed: Are you the weather man?
Justin: I am the supervisor of meteorological observation for this area.
Jed: Oh, well, I was wantin' the weather man.

Jed: They done sold Queen Mary to Long Beach.

Jed: [Granny gets riled up upon hearing that Mrs. Drysdale is downstairs] Lay back down, you're dyin'.
Daisy: I'm dyin' to belt her one.

Jethro: I'da made it too if I hadn't run into that doggone ol' shark.
Jed: Shark? I hear they bites pretty vicious.
Jethro: Oh, he got in the first lick. Then I grabbed that rascal and chomped him more ways than trout lays in a barrel.

Milburn: You've been completely exonerated.
Jed: Well, we was at first, but we's cooled off now.

Jed: [while asking about Beverly Hills] Is 'Tom Mix there?
John: No, I'm afraid Tom Mix is dead.
Jed: Oh yeah, what's the matter with me. Remember Pearl, he got shot at the end of that picture.

Jed: You used to tote her books to school.
Jethro: Oh, yeah, I used to call her Cupcake.
Jed: Cupcake?
Jethro: Sweetest thing I ever put my lips to.
Jed: Louellen was?
Jethro: No, the cupcakes she used to tote to school in her lunch box.

Mr. Landman: I guess back in the hills where you come from, I'd be a tax collector.
Jed: Back in the hills, you'd be a lot younger.
Mr. Landman: Oh, ws the climate that healthy?
Jed: Naw, just you wouldn't have lived to get this old.

Elly: [Elly brings in a box of kittens] Ain't they cute?
Jed: 'Course they is cute, Elly, but if there's one thing we don't need right now, it's more critters
Daisy: Your Pa's right, Elly. Take 'em back.
Elly: But Granny, I already named 'em.
Daisy: Don't matter. Take 'em back.
Elly: They is all named after presidents. This one here is George Washington. This one here is Abraham Lincoln. And this one is Theodore Roosevelt.
Daisy: Take 'em back, Elly.
Elly: This one is Jefferson Davis.
Daisy: He can stay.

Jed: Well as you know, the queen gets her weight in possums. Well Granny here don't weigh 7 stone soppin' wet. But in order to balance out Mrs. Drysdale, it's gonna take 30 or 40 good-sized possum. And where is them extra possums comin' from? From your own back yards!

Elly: [Jethro leads in the horse Granny bought for Mrs. Drysdale] Now Ladybelle, if you gonna laugh, I'm gonna have to take you around back.
Jed: Who named this horse "Lightnin"?
Daisy: I did.
Jed: Granny, was you honestly fixin' to give this poor ol' animal to Mrs. Drysdale?
Daisy: What do you mean, poor ol' animal? All it needs is a little groomin' and some good food.
Jed: What'll it use to chew with?
Daisy: It's got teeth, hasn't it Jethro?
Jethro: Yes ma'am. One upper one lower.

Jethro: [Jed has given Jethro a letter to take to the bank] Hot diggity dog! I'ma carry this down to the bank, and I'ma carry me a girl back!
Jed: Whoa, whoa! It ain't as simple as all that. Even if you *should* find the right girl, you gotta make courtin' talk with her.
Jethro: I do?
Jed: Why, of course!
Jethro: Well, Uncle Jed, how do you make courtin' talk?
Jed: Well... ya gotta kinda sidle into it, like, you start off with, uh, 'Nice day, ain't it?' Then you work around to where it looks like gonna be a nice night, for a walk, or a drive, or dance. Of course, along the way, ya gotta throw in a couple of 'My, ain't you pretty's', and, uh, 'I bet you're a dandy dancer.' What do you think about that?
Jethro: I catch on now, Uncle Jed!
Jed: All right, boy, ya got enough to get ya started.
Jethro: Yes, sir. Yee-haw!
[Jethro runs out]
Jed: Some girl is in for a *mighty* spirited courtship!

Shorty: This Hollywood night life is kinda expensive. Them four girls last night cost me a bundle
Jed: Was them girls from Mr. Drysdale's secretarial pool?
Shorty: No, these are what you call go-go dancers.
Jed: Go-go?
Shorty: And before I knew it, my money was gone-gone.

John: It's only her majesty's ships that have been sold.
Jed: Oh. Things ain't quite as bad as we thought, but they're hurtin' for money alright. The Queen sold her navy.

Jed: Now make us proud of ya. You are Vice President in charge of my money.
Jethro: Don't worry, Uncle Jed. When I get through handlin' it, you're gonna have a million dollars.
Jed: Jethro.
Jethro: Yes sir?
Jed: I got 50 million now.

Daisy: Jed, no man is ready to get married, you gotta git him ready, like you git a steer ready for slaughter.
Jed: Cain't you find somethin' else to compare it to?

Jed: [about Denise] I couldn't understand a word she was sayin', but I sure did like the way she was sayin' 'em.

[watching a depth-charge attack]
Jed: Don't seem like a very sportin' way to fish. I reckon when you got all these men to feed, you can't fool around with no worm on a bent pin.

Jed: [to Jethro] Boy, you are green enough to stick in the ground and grow.

Milburn: Allow me to present you with this box of cigars.
Jed: Well thank you. What's the occasion?
Milburn: Wait till you hear. Now, listen to this: Mr. Clampett, at this moment, you have now got $90 million.
Jethro: [Jethro enters] Howdy Mr. Drysdale.
Milburn: Jethro
Jed: Hey, Jethro, guess what I got?
Jethro: What?
Jed: A box of cigars.

Jed: Did you get our 45 million from Mr. Drysdale?
John: Every cent of it. It's all safe and sound, right in the Merchants Bank.
Jed: That's dandy. We'd like to see it... in cash.
John: I haven't got it.
Jed: Well Granny?
Daisy: Dogged if he didn't go through it quicker than Mr. Drysdale.
Jed: I think we'd be better off back with him.

Jethro: Uncle Jed, couldn't we talk about this some other time when I ain't starvin'?
Jed: There ain't that much time in life, boy.

Jed: Granny, her first husband was so hen-pecked, he molted twice a year.

Jed: It seems to me that critters ought to have the same right as people to pick their own company. So we're goin' over there and Cotton Patch, you can make up your mind who you want to court, just like I made up mine.

Daisy: He's on his second jug of flu serum and I don't want him fallin' outa bed.
Jed: Second jug? Mr. Drysdale?
Daisy: Drained the first one dry. He's layin' there sound asleep.
Jed: Well I can believe he's layin' there, but you sure he's just asleep?
Daisy: Of course. What kind of a doctor do you think I am?
Jed: That question is as loaded as Mr. Drysdale.

Jed: You know any good fishin' bridges, Jethro?
Jethro: Only bridge I know goes over the Los Angeles river.
Daisy: Ain't nothin' like a river for catfish. Let's get goin'.
Jethro: Wasn't much water in it last time we was there.
Jed: Maybe the beavers had it dammed up.
Elly: If'n they still there, can I bring home a beaver?

Jed: Elverna won the Silver Dollar City beauty contest.
Shorty: Just a minute.
Jed: What's the matter, Shorty?
Shorty: Somethin' in my ear. Sounded like you said Elverna won the beauty contest.
Shad: She did.
Shorty: Musta been the only one in it.

Elly: I hope that soup we throwed out the winda don't kill the flowers.
Daisy: How can anybody eat soup made outa turtles?
Jed: Pitiful
Jethro: And that thing he called Welsh Rabbit, didn't have no rabbit in it at all, just a lot of doggone melted cheese!
Jed: Wasn't too bad after Granny dumped the grits in it.
Daisy: What was it he called that big crawdad?
Elly: That was Lobster Thermidor.
Jethro: That didn't taste bad neither once we poured hot gopher gravy over it.

Jed: Elly left me with this grizzly cub, but he goes after vittles a heap like Jethro.

Milburn: Just take a look at these coins. This collection belongs to a friend of mine. You see that dime?
Jed: Yep.
Milburn: He paid $12,000 for that.
Jed: He got slickered. A dime's only worth 10 cents.

Jed: By doggies, it happened just the way Mr. Shafer said it would. Them New York police sure was glad to see him.
Daisy: We no sooner set foot in the building when three of them came rushin' up to him.
Jethro: Grabbed him by the arms and purt near carried him out.

Jed: I feel sorry for her in a way. She's got a million dollar itch and only forty dollars to scratch it with.

Jed: Granny, you take the north.
Daisy: What did you say?
Jed: You take the south. Jane will take the north.

Jethro: I'm goin' to that big courtin' parlor in the sky.
Jed: You get this stuff rusty and you're goin' to that little woodshed out back.

Jed: Alright Lafe, supposin' you stop blowin' on the fur and get to the hide. What are you tryin' to say?

Mr. Pinckney: You are never to address me as Arthur, only as Mr. Pinckney, sir.
Daisy: I ain't no sir!
Jed: I wouldn't fault him for that. Maybe he don't see so good, he's lost half his glasses.

Jed: Mr. Drysdale seems to set great store by young Fernpod, uh, Simply. Say's he's gonna move right up the ladder.
Daisy: Ladder? What's he do down at the bank, wash windows?
Jed: The way I understand it, he's got somethin' to do with bookkeeping.
Daisy: Must keep 'em on a high shelf if he has to climb for 'em.

Jethro: Which room do you want me to put your dentist chair in, Granny?
Daisy: I think I'll just let you bolt it down to the bed of the truck.
Jed: You figger to practice here on the truck?
Daisy: Why not? You know how people hate to go to the dentist. This way, the dentist will go to the people.
Jed: You think folks is ready fer curb service dentistry?
Daisy: Ready, willin' and anxious. Why just driving along, the minute they seen this chair, their mouths just fell open.

Jed: Well Granny, if it'll ease your mind, why don't you go down there and see for yourself what's goin' on.
Daisy: I cain't. The young'uns bugged out with the wheels, I mean left in the truck. Doggone it! Now they got me talkin' that nonsense.

Justin: Did you say Granny?
Jed: Her name is Daisy.
Justin: You mean Hurricane Daisy?
Jed: That's the one.
Justin: Yes she is beginning to give us trouble. We just started tracking her.
Jed: I was afraid of that. Couldn't you just forget about her? She ain't doin' no harm.
Justin: Not now perhaps, but if she ever moves north, there's no estimating the damage she might do.
Jed: I think I can promise you she ain't gonna move north.

Jed: She looks sadder'n a hog in a dried-up mud hole.

Jed: [Jethro is reciting poetry to Duke] There's nothin' wrong with a boy likin' his dog, but don't you think he'd rather have a nice bone?

Daisy: I thought they was dancin' till the lights come back on. Then I thought they was havin' fits!
Jed: Did look for all the world like they had a itch they couldn't scratch.

Jed: You see, here in Beverly Hills, a girl's got a chance to marry up with a handsome movie star.
Daisy: Yeah, like Tom Mix or Hoot Gibson.
Jed: Granny, I hear tell that they got some new ones. Miss Jane was talkin' about a feller named Cary Grant.
Daisy: GRANT?
Jed: I don't think he's any relation.

Jethro: How come she don't make no more movies?
Jed: Well Jethro, I understand that's the show business. One day, you're livin' high on the hog, next day you're down to wearin' a cat-skin coat.

Jed: You've got the money, ain't you Mr. Drysdale?
Milburn: Well of course, but...
Jed: Well then go ahead and give it to her.
Milburn: Well all right, I'll have a check drawn up.
Daisy: Hold it right there! I don't want no check. I want my money... cash.
Milburn: Cash?
Daisy: Cash.
Jed: We do favor cash.
Milburn: I haven't got 11 million.
Daisy: You see, I told you, he spent it!

Daisy: It's Miss Jane. Do you know that I heard that that poor girl ain't never had a man ask for her hand in marriage?
Jed: Well quit lookin' at me.
Daisy: But Jed, I don't want you to take her out or call on her or court her.
Jed: It's a good thing.
Daisy: All you have to do is propose to her.
Jed: Oh, well, when you put it that way, it's hard to refuse.
Daisy: Good!
Jed: But I'm gonna.

Daisy: Let's get back to my Shakespeare.
Chemist: Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate. Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, And summer's lease hath all too short a date.
Daisy: He just can't keep his mind on business.
Jed: I told you, Granny, that rascal's took with you.

Jed: Mrs Drysdale is what city folks calls a... what was it her husband called her Granny?
Daisy: A hypochondriac.
Jed: Yeah, that means she drinks a little.
Daisy: A little? Her own husband said her bedroom was full o' bottles.

Jed: You mean this whole thing was Miss Jane's idea?
Milburn: One hundred percent. She made up the whole idea.
Jed: Jane, that's about the nicest thing I ever heard tell of.
Jane: Huh?
Jed: Goin' to all that trouble just to make Granny happy. Thank you.
Milburn: Now wait a minute. It wasn't all her idea.
Jane: That's true, Mr. Clampett. It was his idea to turn the air conditioning down so it would be cold in the house.
Jed: The only part I didn't like.

Jed: I wouldn't do no laughin' around Granny, you'd be sleepin' horse style tonight.
Jethro: Whatcha mean?
Jed: Standin' up.

Jed: If that's paint on that table, you'd better move and fast.
Jethro: We had to use the table, Uncle Jed. This pointer needs a flat smooth surface.
Jed: When Granny sees that paint, she'll put that kind of finish on the seat of your pants.

Jethro: Jethro, I think you was right about those golfs bein' birds.
Jethro: I was?
Jed: Yeah, when I come out here, I seen some people take 2 little white eggs outta that hole over yonder.

Daisy: [Jethro is trying to put a toe hold on the bull] Is he fightin' it, Jed?
Jed: I don't know if he's fightin' it or tryin' to shoe it.

Jed: Granny's always felt special close to Gloria Swanson.
Daisy: We is look-a-likes, ya know.
Jethro: You and Gloria Swanson look-a-likes?
Daisy: If I've heard it once, I've heard it a hundred times!
Jethro: Is she kiddin' Uncle Jed?
Jed: No, I've heard it a hundred times myself. Course it was always Granny that said it.

Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: But you've still got that Luther somebody and his Ozark jug band.
Jed: Luther Gooch phoned to cancel too. Seems they needed some new jugs to toot on, so they had a party and now they got the jugs, but nobody's sober enough to play 'em.

Jed: [Jed stops the makeup man from powdering his nose] You're at it agin. I done told you.
Makeup: Do you want a shiny nose?
Jed: Do you want a shiny eye?

Jed: [Clifton Cavanaugh meets Jed] I'm Jed Clampett.
Clifton: So, you're J.D. Clampett, eh?
Jed: Yes, sir. Pleased to meet ya.
Clifton: It's a rare treat to shake hands with you like this.
[shakes hands]
Jed: Oh? That's the way I've always done it.

Jed: You ain't never seen my family home have you?
Milburn: No I haven't.
Jed: It's a dandy.
Milburn: Yes those southern mansions are beautiful. I suppose it has the large white pillars.
Jed: It did, but we brung 'em along and put 'em on the beds out here.
Milburn: No, you see, I was referring to wooden pillars.
Jed: Oh, ain't never slept on one of them.

Milburn: Why are you going home?
Daisy: For the Possum Festival.
Jed: You ain't forgot it's comin' on for Possum Day, have you?
Milburn: Of course not. You can celebrate it right here.
Daisy: Bah! We tried that last year.
Jed: It ain't much fun when you're the only ones celebratin'.
Daisy: We drove all over town yellin', "Happy Possum Day!"
Jed: Folks looked at us like we was hangin' off our hinges.

Mike: Well to me, Mr. Clampett, any man that would steal cats is... well he's lower than a snake's belly in a wagon rut.
Jed: By doggies, young fella, we sure see eye to eye on that.

Jed: I reckon many a man has lost his best friend by marrying her!

Mr. Mortimer: Happy Valley is in a beautiful pastoral setting.
Jed: Oh, good, good.
[to Elly May and Jethro]
Jed: It's pasture land

Elly: Pa come quick! Granny's sinkin' fast!
Jed: What?
Elly: She's took to bed with double pneumonie and pond water poisonin'!
Jed: Why she never even got good and wet afore I got her outa that pond.
Elly: Well come on Pa, she's about to breathe her last!
Jed: Granny's just tryin' to get back at me fer spoilin' her scrap with Mrs. Drysdale.

Jed: Your honor, Mr. Drysdale is a real good friend of ours. I can vouch for his character.
Judge: If I was to turn him loose, is he the kind of a banker that would run off with my wife?
Jed: Naw, he wouldn't do nuthin' like that.
Judge: Well, in that case, we might as well take him fishin' with us. Prisoner is sentenced to cut bait.

Jed: Granny, I'm surprised at you. Back home, you was always the first one to visit a new neighbor, take 'em over a pot of vittles and make 'em feel welcome.
Daisy: That was back home. I tried for 3 years out here. I never got nothin' but mean-mouthed, door-slammed, and dog-bit.

Elly: [They forgot to put Granny's jug in the cabin] Well Bessie can fetch it.
Jed: No Elly, I'd best do it. That little monkey gets one taste of Granny's corn, we'll never get her back on bananas.

Jed: Well it looks like we is caught betwixt and between, Granny. Folks don't want me shootin' a gun and when I snare the game, Elly makes a pet out of it.

Jed: As he gets bigger, he'll get smarter. Of course it does seem the one is happenin' a lot quicker'n the other.

Daisy: That city school teacher always had an eye out for you.
Jed: That's plumb ridiculous. Why would a fine educated city woman like Miss Potts take a second look at me?
Daisy: I'll tell ya why. You're handsome as a new buggy and you're rollin' in dough like a baker's knuckles.