The Best Magister Quotes

Pam: [to the Magister about the earrings] How'd you know I was a Tiffany's girl?
Magister: Hm. Most women are. And those who aren't just think they're not.
Pam: They're beautiful.
Magister: Mm. They're sterling silver.
Pam: Excellent. They'll match my chains.

Magister: [to Jessica] Meet your maker.

Eric: I am who you want. But I have been framed.
Magister: "Oh, you've got the wrong man." "My dog ate my homework." "I saw Goody Osburn with the devil." Excuses are one thing I can assure you do not get better with age.

Magister: I'm afraid I'm going to have to arrest you. By the powers vested in me by The Authority...
Russell: The Authority? Are you serious?
[laughs wickedly]
Russell: Who are the authority? What gave them the authority? Nothing. No one. They took it, as I am taking it today. I no longer recognize The Authority.

Queen: When we do find the vampire responsible, how will you punish him?
Eric: Or her?
Queen: And will it be in public?
Magister: Of course when one who is proven guilty of such a crime must be made an example of. That kind of moral anarchy can not be allowed.

Magister: [to Eric and the Queen as the club clears out] No humans. I need both of you at full attention.

Magister: [to a vampire] Idiot! You fed on a human that belonged to another. Three months of starving 'till your fangs grow back will teach you better manners.

Magister: [entering the Fantasia with the Queen] Mr. Northman. I haven't seen you since the Bill Compton trial.
Eric: Yes, it's been uh too long. May I ask what brings you to Fantasia?
Queen: We need to talk. You should probably close up.
Eric: You can just use my office.
Queen: It's bugged.
Eric: How do you know this?
Queen: Because I'm the one who bugged it... It's how I know I can trust you.

Bill: Long Shadow was choking the girl and would have killed her.
Magister: So you murdered a higher life form for the sake of your pet! You broke an acient and fundimental law. You decreased our numbers at a critical time in our history. Very bad. Very, very bad.
Bill: Magister, Long Shadow broke the law first. She was mine and he knew it. He would have killed her and fed from her!
Magister: [displeased] Hello! Human! Irrelevant. Happens every day!
Bill: He was stealing from Eric.
Magister: Sheriff?
Eric: Yes, Magister. It's true. Long Shadow was a thief and a liar. He was hurting my business.
Magister: [considering] The business part, that is a serious offense.
Bill: And it was the human who exposed Long Shadow. Would you tell him, Eric?
Eric: The only reason the girl was there was because I called her.
Bill: To protect your wealth!
Eric: To protect my wealth, yes. Magister, she is... valuable.
Magister: Humans exist to serve us. That is their only value.
Bill: There are those among us who think differently.
Magister: [challenging] Do you question my authority? I am the magister. I was trained in the Inquisition and I am the adjudicator for every vampire territory in North America! As the humans say, the humans you love more than your own kind, back your shit down!
Eric: [warningly] Bill.
Magister: Well, you haven't bored me. That works in your favor. And you seem to be obedient to your sheriff.
Eric: For the most part... When it matters, yes he is.
Magister: The usual sentence is five years in a coffin, chained with silver. During which time your body will waste to leather and sticks. You'll probably go insane. However, I'm feeling a bit... creative.

Magister: You realize, of course, the Authority will never recognize-...
Russell: Its own irrelevancy? That's where you and I differ, Magister. I truly believe they will, and soon.
[Smells his blood]
Russell: Andalusia, the Iberian Peninsula. Mm. Later 9th century, no? Well, whatever. It's a long enough time for you to have outgrown your blind allegiance to the Authority and their rule of law. There is only one law: The law of nature, the survival of the fittest. And we need to take this world back from the humans, not placate them with billboards and PR campaigns while they destroy it. That is not authority. That is abdicating authority!

Russell: In exchange for the money she owes the IRS, Queen Sophie Anne has kindly accepted my marriage proposal.
Queen: I had no choice.
Magister: Your Majesty...
Russell: Yes, my loyal subject? Oh, we would be delighted if you would officiate the wedding for us.
Magister: I am forbidden to conduct any rights of alignment unless specifically-...
Russell: Unless specifically authorized to do so by the Authority. Yes, well, perhaps you have not quite grasped the subtext of our earlier exchange, but there's a new fucking authority in town!

Magister: Bring me your murderer.

Magister: Trouble abounds in your fair state.
Eric: Tell me.
Magister: It would seem your idyllic little home is competing to become the V capital of the world.
Queen: Can you believe it? I am so embarrassed. Naturally I told the Magister that you were the only vampire in my kingdom that I could trust with this.
Eric: Anything I can do to be of service.
Magister: Our blood is sacred. Wasting it on any thing but procreation is blasphemy.
Queen: Madness.
Eric: Desecration.
Magister: Have you noticed an uptake is users in your neck of the woods? Maybe even here in your club?
Eric: I haven't. No.
Magister: See that surpises me. Because every other sheriff to whom I have spoken to has. The amounts are so great in fact, we can only assume a vampire is responsible.
Queen: An act of self loathing so shameful that who ever is responsible should fall on his own stake.
Eric: Respectfully, Magister, I'm not sure I follow your logic.
Magister: If your average run-of-the-mill drainers were behind this, it would stand to reason that said drainers would need vampires to drain; which means there would be missing vampires and plenty of them... How many vampires have gone missing in your area?
Eric: None, magister.
Magister: So now, do you follow my logic.
Eric: I do, and I will look into the matter.
Magister: Good, and I will expect results.

Russell: This could be so much less painful if you just said the fucking words!
Magister: [Chain] I am bound by duty to uphold the sacred laws of...
Russell: [Pulls a stake on him] Ah, ah, ah. Your call.
Magister: I hereby pronounce you... husband and wife.
Russell: Thank you.
Queen: Yes, thanks. I'm so happy I could bleed.