50 Best Spy Quotes

Susan: I'm taking that fucking coat!

Rick: [holding onto Susan's legs, the two of them dangling from the landing skid of DeLuca's helicopter] I can't get a grip. Your pants are too slippery! You should've worn coarser pants!
Susan: Oh, I'm sorry I didn't wear my fucking sandpaper pants!

Susan: Well, here's to your mom.
Rayna: To my mother. And to you.
Susan: And here's to you. I mean you may never be as wise as an owl but you'll always be a hoot to me! Haha.
Rayna: What a stupid fucking retarded toast. You're delightful.
Susan: As are you.
[they clink their glasses]

Susan: Nice copter! Where'd you get it?
Nancy B. Artingstall: It's 50 Cent's! I had to deputize him to let us use it. He is so afraid of me!
Curtis: I'm a motherfucking spy. Let's go shoot somebody else!
Nancy B. Artingstall: Simmer down, 50 Cent or I'll mount you again!
Curtis: This day is just getting better and better!
Nancy B. Artingstall: He wants me!

Nancy B. Artingstall: Do you know what? You play it too safe.
Susan: Oh maybe you're right. I just... I still, you know, hear my mom's voice... "well-behaved women often make history."
Nancy B. Artingstall: Yes you do know the phrase is, "well-behaved women *seldom* make history."
Susan: Yeah that's never how she said it.
Nancy B. Artingstall: What were her others, uh...
Susan: Oh, "just blend in, let somebody else win."
Nancy B. Artingstall: Classic.
Susan: I got that a lot in high school. And there was, "give up on your dreams, Susan." She used to write that in my lunchbox.

Rick: Nothing kills me. I'm immune to 179 different types of poison. I know because I ingested them all at once when I was deep undercover in an underground poison-ingesting crime ring.

Rayna: My father used to bring people like you here.
Susan: Did he also make you dress like a slutty dolphin trainer?

Susan: Aw, come on!
Aldo: You, in this outfit... Magnifico!
[Susan slams door shut on Aldo]

Anton: You're both named Amber?
Susan: Whoa, what did I tell you about talking to me?
Anton: Nothing. You said nothing about talking.
Susan: [holds up her fists] You want me to have Cagney and fucking Lacey explain it to you? Cagney's coming down your fucking throat. Lacey, she's gonna come up your ass. I'm gonna meet them in the fucking middle and play your heart like a *fucking* accordion. I'm gonna pump that shit until it pops, you Swedish bitch!
Anton: You wouldn't dare!
Susan: You gonna cry, you little Swiss fucking pussy?
Anton: I'm not gonna cry.
Susan: You're crying now!
Anton: [voice cracks] I'm not! It's so fucking hot.

Rayna: Fuck! People are trying to kill me and all that's left of my security guard is you two and you look like someone's demented aunts on vacation! You!
[Points at Susan]
Rayna: Don't you have someone in your team other than this asthmatic big bird?

Bradley: [Points at Aldo] Is he dangerous?
Susan: Only if you have boobs.

[Susan orders drones to blow up enemies and allows Fine to escape]
Bradley: Haha, close one! Nice drone work, Coop. I could kiss you!
Susan: Oh, haha, well I would accept that with an open mouth.

Susan: [commenting on Rick's clumsy rescue entrance] He means well.

[last lines]
Susan: [wakes up next to Ford] Aaaaah!
Rick: Oh, stop screaming, you loved it!
[hugs her]
Susan: Ugh, God.

Susan: [having stabbed her opponent] Oh, that's clean through.
Lia: Thanks for your weapon.
Susan: Well, you know, it's been inside you, so I don't think it should go inside me...

Rick: Cooper, is this a fucking LAKE?

Rick: We have to stop the sale of a nuclear bomb. They send in someone who looks like Santa Claus' fucking wife!
Susan: Uh, did you forget? I am undercover because you are not supposed to be here!
Rick: Well I make a habit out of doing things that people say I can't do: Walk through fire, waterski blindfolded, take up piano at a late age.

Susan: Where'd you get a suit?
Rick: I fucking made it, didn't I?

Susan: [rides a moped up a ramp] I AM SO BADASS!
[lands in wet cement]

Susan: So, you need me De Luca, and I'm not gonna help you unless you keep Fine alive.
Sergio: Now, let me get this straight, you work for the CIA, yet your're willing to help me sell a nuclear bomb in order to save this man's life. Why would I believe that?
Rayna: Because she's in love with him.
Susan: Yeah, so what? This idiot doesn't even know it. Too dumb to know I'd do anything for him.

Bradley: [has gun pointed at Tihomir] Tell me where the bomb is. Ten seconds or you're dead.
Tihomir: Interesting. You see, when my men and I hid it, I made sure to erase any witnesses. And then I erased the erasers. Which means, I'm now the only one who knows just where that dangerously compact and transportable nuke is. So... I'd say I have more than ten seconds.
Bradley: Well then in that case, I'd say you'd better st-
[sneezes and accidentally shoots Tihomir in the head]
Bradley: Oh, fuck...
Susan: [on earpiece] Oh my God, why did you do that?
Bradley: I didn't do it on purpose; there's like a ton of pollen in here!

Elaine: [referring to Susan's disastrous training video] I must have watched this fifteen times now because what the fuck? I almost put it up on YouTube.

Rick: You really think you're ready for the field? I once used defibrillators on myself. I put shards of glass in my fuckin' eye. I've jumped from a high-rise building using only a raincoat as a parachute and broke both legs upon landing; I still had to pretend I was in a fucking Cirque du Soleil show! I've swallowed enough microchips and shit them back out again to make a computer. This arm has been ripped off completely and re-attached with *this* fuckin' arm.
Susan: I don't know that that's possible... I mean medically...
Rick: During the threat of an assassination attempt, I appeared convincingly in front of congress as Barack Obama.
Susan: In black-face? That's not appropriate.
Rick: I watched the woman I love get tossed from a plane and hit by another plane mid-air. I drove a car off a freeway on top of a train while it was on fire. Not the car, *I* was on fire.
Susan: Jesus, you're intense.

Elaine: Susan, I read your assessment report on Rayna Boyanov. I know you're probably feeling a lot of emotion right now, but please refrain from using the term "thundercunt."

Susan: Oh my God, Rayna. Thank God your hair broke your fall.

Susan: I look like someone's homophobic aunt!

Aldo: Hello, captured lady.

Susan: [referring to Anton] Does he not look like a bag o' dicks?

Rayna: Whatever, fuck you.
Susan: I knew you liked me!
Susan: Hey! Fuck you too.

[first lines]
Bradley: Baccarat. Exquisite.
[throws his champagne flute to the floor]

Nancy B. Artingstall: This is just like when I watched myself in a sex tape. There was just a lot of floundering and laughable moments.

Susan: Give me your fuckin' coat.
Anton: This is a man's coat.
Susan: Yeah, but I don't see a man, do I? I see a reject from The Sound of Music.

Bradley: Who's the finest of them all?
Susan: You are! Oh Bradley you so fine, you so fine you blow my mind, hey Bradley!
[clap, clap]

Susan: My real name is... Amber Valentine.
Rayna: What are you, a porn star?

Nancy B. Artingstall: I don't condone this sexy yet reckless behavior, Susan Cooper!

Aldo: One day, lady superspy Susan Cooper, I will fuck you.

Aldo: [Yelling] Hey, heroic lady! In my country there is a saying about women like you, "Hot as fuck!",
Susan: Oh God. Not now, Aldo!

Susan: Get your hands off my boobs!
Rick: I'm saving you!
Susan: You motherfucker, I'm gonna report you to HR!

Nancy B. Artingstall: I'm very non-physically resourceful. I read a lot of intelligence, I read a lot of poems, and I've read all of the 'Hunger Games'.
Rayna: How is that helpful?

Susan: And fuck you for saying I look anything like that fucking beast... No wonder your dad never had the son he wanted; you fuck that monster once, and you just drop the fucking mic and walk out.

Susan: How long was I out?
Rayna: You fainted just long enough for us to laugh at you.
Susan: What happened?
Rayna: It was all a dream... I'm just kidding. A man's throat dissolved.

Rick: I told you to send me in there instead of Fine, and you didn't. And now Fine's *dead*. I'm going the fuck in.
Elaine: You can't. We need someone to follow De Luca without being detected... And that will hopefully take us to Rayna, but it can't be any of you.
Rick: Here's what we do... I go into the Face/Off machine, get a whole new face. I turn up, they never know it's me.
Elaine: Do you have quarters? Because it costs 50 cents.
Rick: What, I gotta pay?
Elaine: *No*, because it doesn't exist
Rick: Yes, it does! I heard Cress and Wright talking about it in the shitter.
[Points to Cress and Wright as they look down, hiding there laughter]
Elaine: I'm sure they were pulling your leg.
Rick: You pair of fucking vaginas!
[Cress and Wright burst out laughing]
Elaine: Seriously? You've got to cut that out.

Susan: I pulled up my file.
[puts file near the keyboard]
Elaine: Jesus, not my keyboard with your pinkeye infected fingers! Why don't you just cry directly into my mouth while you're at it?

Sergio: What's going on at the CIA? Drones taking all the cool assignments?

Aldo: How do you like my English accent? I learned it from the Downton Abbey!

Patrick: [Shows Susan a bottle of Stool Softener pills] If you ever feel like you have been poisoned, chew one of these.
Susan: Have I done something to you to upset you?

Susan: And by the way, I can see your gun, unless you're SO extreme that you have a second dick coming out of your hip!

Rick: You're going to ruin this mission.
Susan: No, *you're* going to ruin this mission.
Rick: No, you are.
Susan: No, you're going to!
Rick: You... times infinity!

Susan: I need you to untie me now.
[Aldo motions to untie her]
Susan: That's my ass!
Aldo: It is very difficult to see or gauge my position.
Susan: You're just simply grabbing my ass.
Aldo: Oh, I am sorry.

Susan: You're a loud kisser.
Rayna: Excuse me?
Susan: You're a loud kisser, and it's gross and unappealing. You look like some old toothless woman suckin' the jelly out of a donut.