The Best The Sopranos, Season 1, Episode 13 Quotes

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It's been a long odyssey with your mother, hasn't it?
Tony: Oh, these last 500 years just seemed to race by.

- Come on, come on! Inside!
- He better be open!
- Forget the umbrella, come on!

Artie: [about Tony] I don't just hate this man. I hate all men.

- And if Chucky calls, you get me on the cell phone.
- Ho! You hear me?
- Yeah, okay.
- I think that I heard you already.
- Go take a midol.
- Nipps! Nipps! Bad boy!

Tony: Uncle Junior and I, we had our problems with the Business. But I never should have razzed him about eating pussy. This whole war could have been averted. Cunnilingus and psychiatry brought us to this.

- Sorry I'm fucking late.
- I need to tell you something.
- And I want you should hear from me, not from some asshole on the street.
- About four or five months ago,
- I started seeing a psychiatrist.
- You know, I was passing out and they couldn't find nothing.
- She's been helping me with that.

- You twisted fucking bitch!
- That's my mother, not some fuck in attica, stab you in the shower!
- Relax.
- We're through, you and I.
- We're finished.
- You're lucky I don't break your face in 50,000 pieces!
- Okay.

Mikey: And if Chuckie calls, you get me on his cellphone. Ho! You hear me?
JoJo: Yeah, I think that I heard you already.
Mikey: Go take a Midol.

- Irregardless, I said my piece.
- What're you getting at, Paulie?
- Nothing.
- Look, he's gonna be the new boss now.
- In name, in everything.
- Wish him buona fortuna.
- You guys got any peanut butter back here?

Paulie: Mingia, T. I'm sorry. Your own uncle.
Tony: Let's do it right. Act normal. Plan things out. Make no mistakes.
Paulie: If I'm your uncle, I got to finish what I started. He could strike first.
Christopher: And, this time, he won't use Boyz II Men.

- Fucking poison Ivy all over!
- My friend Brendan, you shot him in his bathtub! No chance to run!
- No! I swear to god, it was junior.
- He hated that kid, it was him!
- Yeah, right, it was junior!
- Mr. Magoo!
- Oh, come on, please, please, please!
- I can feel it itching me already!

- Don't worry about those distractions, you keep your eye on the ball.
- I know what you're thinking.
- You have no idea.
- The cops aren't gonna help you because you can't give them anything!
- Don't be stupid!
- Even in the short term.
- Get the fuck out of town.
- You've been a good doctor to me.
- Thank you.

- I swear to god,
- I didn't touch your place, Artie.
- My mother was confused.
- Look me in the eye.
- Tell me you didn't lay a finger on my place!
- I didn't burn down your restaurant.
- I swear on my mother.

Tony: Okay. I need to tell you something and I want you to hear it from me, not from some asshole on the street. About four, five months ago I started seeing a psychiatrist. I was passing out, and they couldn't find nothing. She's been helping me with that... Okay, c'mon, give it to me. Give it to my face. C'mon.
Silvio: Well, I'm sure you did it with complete discretion. And speaking for Pussy, if he's still alive, I'm sure he would agree.
Tony: Business was not discussed, no names were mentioned. Junior knows. He's decided to use it against me. Ask now. 'Cause we're not discussing this again.
Paulie: It's not the worst thing I ever heard. I was seeing a therapist myself about a year ago. I had some issues. Enough said. I learned some coping skills.
Silvio: Look, this thing of ours, the way it's going, it'd be better if we could admit to each other these painful, stressful times. But it'll never fucking happen.
Tony: What about you? You got a problem with this?
Christopher: It's like marriage counseling?
Tony: Yeah. Like that. Sort of, yeah.

- That's so dangerous down there.
- It's the de cecco.
- The fresh basil really adds to it.
- Father, you got a little...
- Thanks.
- You want a little bit?
- No, please, I have so much at home.
- So how are the twins, Rosalie?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Isn't it interesting how this memory loss cropped up right after you failed to be killed in the carjacking? You think it was a carjacking?
Tony: Of course not, but I got an idea who was behind it. Enough said. You don't want to go there.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Maybe you don't want to go there.
Tony: What are you talking about?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Well, let's track it. Right around the time of the shooting, you were having hallucinations of that Isabella figure. The protective, loving mother. Your subconscience was shouting something at you. On the day before the shooting, you said to me that she kept going on yet again about news stories of mothers throwing their babies out of windows.
Tony: Why don't we put our fuckin' cards on the table here. What do you think, my mother tried to have me whacked 'cuz I put her in a nursing home?

- We know what we're gonna do.
- Till the government indicts, anyway.
- Jimmy! This answers your concerns?
- I think a lot of good ground was covered.
- Okay, I guess that's it.

[Tony urges Dr. Melfi to get out of town for a while]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I have patients who are suicidal!
Tony: Well they're not gonna feel any better about their life if you get clipped.

- And he won't use boyz ii men this time, he'll go with who he knows.
- Chucky signore. No, Mikey's now too high up.
- Chucky's gotta disappear without setting off alarms.
- I just passed my coast guard test.
- T, anything else?
- My ear hurts.

- What? You hiding back here?
- Your best friend's on table 12.
- When are you gonna Bury the hatchet?
- Arthur, I love carmela like a sister.
- We just don't want this place to become another mob hangout.
- A certain amount of that kind of patronage creates buzz.
- Artie, that kind of buzz we should avoid in droves.

Tony: I didn't touch your place, Artie. I swear on my mother.

- Dad, hello! We're not gonna make it to aunt Patty's.
- Why did I buy a goddamn off-road vehicle?
- To waste petrochemical resources?
- She's right, we can't keep driving.
- I can hardly see in front of us.
- What street are we on?
- I think it's walnut parkway.
- I've got an idea.

Paulie: The Skip seeing a psychiatrist, how does that sit with your ass?
Silvio: I usually do sit with my ass. Why don't you sit with yours?

Meadow: Dad, give it up. We're not gonna make it to aunt patty's. Dad, hello. We're not gonna make it to aunt patty's.
Tony: Why did i buy a goddamn off road vehicle?
A.J. Soprano: To waste petrochemical resources?

Tony: [putting his hands around his mother's throat while she's sedated] Ma. I know what you did, Ma. Your only son. Your middle child.
EMT: Look she can't answer you, her speech side has been affected.
Tony: Yeah, my ass! I heard the tapes, Ma. The fucking FBI tapes, don't tell me you don't know what I'm talking about!
EMT: Sir!
Tony: George Clooney, don't get in the fucking middle of this!
Ms. Giaculo: Alonzo, call security!
Tony: [to Livia] Uncle June is in jail now. And I got one more little last detail I gotta take care of!
Ms. Giaculo: Mr. Soprano!
Tony: I gotta tell ya, I don't die that fucking easy, Ma! I'm gonna live a nice long happy life, which is more than I can say for you!
EMT: Alright that's enough!
Tony: Yeah?
[Tony knocks the man to the floor and Livia is wheeled off]
Ms. Giaculo: Keep her moving, keep her moving!
Tony: I try and do the right thing by you and you try and have me WHACKED?
Ms. Giaculo: She can't understand you!
Tony: [being restrained] SHE'S SMILING! LOOK AT THE LOOK ON HER FACE! Look at the look on her face! She's smiling! Look at her face! She's got a fucking smile on her face!

- Baby, how are you?
- Is Tatiana here?
- I'll go get her.
- You are Jimmy?
- Yeah, that's right, I'm Jimmy.
- My man!
- Big tits, little feet.
- A hit in any man's league.
- Have a seat.

- Take it easy!
- What the fuck are you doing?

- Be better if we could admit to each other...
- These are painful, stressful times.
- But it'll never fucking happen.
- What about you?
- You got a problem with this?
- What is it?
- Like, marriage counseling?
- Yeah, like that. Sort of, yeah.

- Relax!
- What are you doing here?
- Putting the stugots in the Marina next door.
- Look at this baby I caught off the point here.

- How's the watch, father Phil?
- Oh, it's fantastic.
- I can set one of the dials to the millennial countdown.
- I haven't done it yet.
- Is that Jackie's watch?
- Yeah, it is.
- Thanks again, ro.

Jimmy: I got enough cologne on?
Christopher: You smell like Paco Rabanne crawled up your ass and died.

[Paulie and Christopher chase Mikey into the woods, until he finally twists his ankle and falls]
Mikey: Please, please, come on! No!
Paulie: Fuckin' poison ivy all over me.
Christopher: My friend Brendan, you shot him in the bathtub, naked. No chance to run.
Mikey: I swear to god, it wasn't me! It was Junior! He fucking hated that kid!
Christopher: Yeah, right. It was Junior. Mr. Magoo!

- Keep her moving!
- You try to have me whacked?!
- She doesn't understand!
- She's smiling, look at her face!
- She's smiling!
- Look at her face! She's got a fucking smile on her face!
- All right, that's enough!

- You're right, it's him.
- He asks for a meeting to discuss shit we covered. He's wearing a wire.
- You got my okay.
- Send a message to everybody else.
- All right.
- See you later.

- What are you talking about, meetings? Who, Livia?
- All of them! Raymond. Larry.
- Three of my capos have their mothers here?
- If this is true, Livia, I mean,
- I'm the boss, for Christ's sake!
- If I don't act, blood or no...
- I have to!

- Tony?
- What did he do now?
- You don't blame him for setting the fire?
- Well, you're a bigger man than some.
- Well, we should all be grateful...
- That nobody was incinerated to death.

- You were positioned to take the hits, and now you have.
- The question is, how long you gonna keep eating shit?
- You're 70 years old.
- How many years you got left?
- My nephew running things?
- Not that stronzo.
- Not in this life.

- So I hear Artie bucco came to see you.
- Who is Artie?
- Friend of mine from elementary school.
- He owns a restaurant.
- They had a little fire in it.
- Came to see me? Where?
- Where are we talking about?
- Here?

- The owner is Portuguese.
- They're sticklers.
- I feel so wonderful, we're up and running again.
- Oh, you said you had something to tell me.
- I like the bar stools.
- Good morning, everybody!
- You're in a good mood today, dad.

U.S. Attorney: You prefer Corrado or Junior?
Corrado: I prefer Mr. Soprano.
U.S. Attorney: Your tenure as boss was a short one. Actually, it was unusual in several ways. Let me put this to you as simply as I can. You can avoid sentencing on these charges if you will testify that in fact, you were not the boss of North Jersey, that in fact, your nephew Anthony Soprano was and is. That he de facto controlled your capos with the backing of two of the New York families communicating through their emissary, John Sacrimoni. We want Johnny Sack. But more than him, we want Mangano and Teresi.
Corrado: I want to fuck Angie Dickinson, let's see who gets lucky first.

- God only knows what he says.
- You wired green grove.
- It was my idea. Everyone else thought it was a waste of money.
- My cousin cakey, after his lobotomy, he looked exactly like my son.
- Empty, a shell. Better cakey had died than go on living like that.
- That's what his own mother always used to say.

- You had to see a shrink because of the mother you had.
- When I look at the guys now, all I feel is humiliation.
- I'll take care of my uncle...
- And I'll take care of Mikey p, and I'll get some satisfaction.
- But inside...
- I'll know.

- More than fond.
- But I think you need to look at yourself.
- Call this an intervention.
- I think you have this m.O. Where you manipulate spiritually thirsty women.
- And I think a lot of it is tied up with food somehow...
- As well as the sexual tension game.

Jimmy: Who is it that made you hate these fuckin Russians?
Christopher: I had these two pricks Junior brought around who would pound on my ass. For a while, I was biter but Tony's comare is Russian: you couldn't ask for a nicer person, these two tonight are friends of hers
Jimmy: I got enough cologne on?
Christopher: You smell like Paco Rabanne crawled up your ass and died
Jimmy: Whoa, easy for you to say, I don't get young ones like before
Christopher: You're gonna be glad I got you out of bed tonight. Russian boo, boo's, you go for some basic foreplay, they'll detail your car
Jimmy: [referring to his clothes] You didn't let me put anything decent on

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I say what your mother has, at the very least, is what we call borderline personality disorder.
Tony: A borderline personality disorder ?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Let me read to you from the DSM-IV okay? Definitions of the condition? "A pattern of unstable relationships . Affective instability , It means intense anxiety, a joylessness. These people's internal phobias are the only things that exist to them. The real world, real people are peripheral. These people have no love or compassion. Borderline personalities are very good at splitting behavior, creating bitterness and conflict between others in their circle."

Paulie: Altieri's wake is tonight.
Christopher: I phoned in a bomb scare.
Silvio: See, now that's over the top.

[Tony describes a dream he had about Jean Cusamano]
Tony: I'm doing her doggy-style, and I finish, you know. And her big ass is... look, we don't have time for this shit.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It's interesting that you would say a big ass, 'cause Jean is quite slender.
Tony: We've got bigger things to talk about than Jean Cusamano's ass.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Like feelings of worthlessness sparked by your mother's plot to have you killed?

- Let me talk to you!
- Do I have your word that I'm in no physical danger?
- I'm humbled that you would take my word, yes.
- What?!
- Yes, you got my word!
- Emergency services, state the nature of your emergency. Hello, hello?