50 Best A.J. Soprano Quotes

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: You have such a low opinion of people?
Tony: Let me tell you somethin', A.J. I don't care how close you are, in the end your friends are gonna let you down. Family: they're the only ones you can depend on.

Major: [First meeting privately without AJ's parents] stealing an exam that's quite a personal defeat isn't it?
A.J. Soprano: It was wrong
Major: That sounds pre-programmed. Is that how you saw your future self? When you were a younger man? A cheat?
A.J. Soprano: No
Major: How'd you explain it?
A.J. Soprano: There's like all this academic pressure about getting into college, my school their like obsessed
Major: Is "like academic pressure" or academic pressure?
A.J. Soprano: There's all this pressure, my parents too. My sister goes to Columbia and I know my parents expect me to go
Major: Around here we call that "stinking thinking" precisely the same as an alcoholic. No one puts that drink to his lips but himself
A.J. Soprano: I'm not an alcoholic
Major: How do we do things different here at HMI than at your former school?
A.J. Soprano: I don't know
Major: Well, I realize you don't know I'm about to tell you. At your school and it's not a bad school your right there's too much emphasis on what's good for you. What's good for Johnny, what's good for Janie? Here, the higher good is the corps as general MacArthur said in his farewell address at the Point: "the corps, the corps, the corps."
A.J. Soprano: [Nods]
Major: [while pointing to a blackboard listing their daily schedule] now how do we achieve this revolutionary change in thinking on your part? Cadet corps has first call in formation at O' five thirty each day, march in formation to first mess to O' six twenty, followed by dorm inspection O' seven hundred, classes to O' eight hundred to fourteen forty, athletic formation fifteen hundred except Thursdays, which is "drill" or "commander's time", nineteen hundred to twenty-one hundred is evening study time, taps lights out: twenty-two hundred hours what's missing? Give up? Television
A.J. Soprano: What's O' five thirty mean?
Major: 5:30AM
Major: [after AJ rolls his eyes] I just outlined for you a blue print for total self discipline that will take you through your entire life and that's your only question?
A.J. Soprano: Why do guys in the army, or like spies use that "O" thing to tell time?
Major: That will be abundantly made clear to you, for now we have an expression around here: keep it simple

Tony: [while in Wegler's office, jokingly, referring to AJ] let me guess, he called the English teacher "daddy-o?"
Robert: [to the three of them] the "thing" is, we are rapidly approaching crisis mode here with these grades and "time is of the essence"
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: can I ask a question? I handed in my final list of colleges, did you get that?
Robert: yes, we've talked about this. So, Ramapo and Trenton State and our "reach" schools are University of Arizona and Arizona State
Tony: [to Wegler] yeah, I'm gonna take him out there after I drive him around to the ones in New Jersey
Robert: if either of the Arizona's his got his heart set on, his not going to get in with these grades and I know about football Anthony, I'm sorry, it's not enough
Tony: he says his trying his best
Robert: SAT-wise, 505 and 430, I think we can "edge up" the math into the fives in the next round: providing Anthony feels he can "bear down" his focus
Tony: his had trouble with that before. Remember Carm, when they thought he had ADD?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: [to Tony] you didn't tell me that
Robert: Anthony, what'd you say you head on back to class, let us talk?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: but if I'm "learning disabled", I get unlimited time on my SAT's
Carmela: [to Wegler] is that true?
Robert: [to Tony and Carmela, then nods to AJ to imply to him to leave] let's talk about that later
Robert: [to Tony and Carmela, after AJ leaves] so, you had time to talk to Dr. Rapkey about last week's testing results?
Carmela: [while taking out the report and reading from it] yes, she says Anthony has good "interpersonal skills", she said it's effect was "constricted", she called it but that was "normal" for a teenager and all and all, he seems to be handling the split "well", and this is not to say I get a ration of shit in every conversation, pardon my French
Robert: well, still, there's this "thing" with his grades. Do you think it would be a benefit for him to see a psychologist on a regular basis?
Robert: [after noticing Tony sighs and chuckles to himself] you don't approve of therapy?
Tony: I think we use it as a crutch and I always wonder what happened to Gary Cooper? The strong silent type?
Robert: [amused] well, Gary Cooper wasn't a sixteen-year-old boy
Tony: he was at one time
Carmela: I'm gonna have to agree with my husband here: we sent our daughter to an adolescent development mentalist and it was a disaster. I know my son, his just lazy, we gonna get him a different SAT tutor and I'm gonna stay on him and his gonna work harder and that's that

Tony: These fuckin' women, they'll drive you nuts with their emotions and whatnot. And I know it feels like you're never gonna love anybody again. But trust me, there's millions of girls that are dyin' to meet a guy like you. I see 'em every day.
Anthony: Oh, right. I'm so special.
Tony: You're damn right you are. You're handsome, and smart, and hard worker, and - let's be honest - white. That's a huge plus nowadays... Go out and get a blowjob.
Anthony: I don't want a blowjob!
Tony: Keep your voice down.
Anthony: Why? Who's listening out there?
Tony: Nobody.
[Carmela opens the door]
Anthony: Ah, fuck me!

Meadow: Boot your computer, the cops are coming!
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: So?
Meadow: You want them to see all that porno you downloaded?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Shit!
[runs to his computer, turns it on and starts typing]

Carmela: You've heard the term "comfort food". Maybe it'll make you feel better.
Anthony: I know this is hard for you to believe, but food may not be the answer to every problem.
Tony: Neither is acting like a whiny little bitch.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [having Sunday dinner, Tony is upset by a remark by Uncle Junior] Get your coat! We're leaving!
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: I don't have a coat.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well, then get moving, goddamn it!

Carmela: [to AJ] So every time I asked you "how was work?" you say "fine", you were having your own private little joke on me.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Tony enters the room] what's going on?
Carmela: I went to Blockbuster to rent Cinderella Man, but guess what?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Is it still a classic?
Carmela: I found out our son, the liar, was fired three weeks ago
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: From Blockbuster? They have the worst managers over there.
Carmela: He was taking promotional items and selling them, stand ups.
A.J. Soprano: Standees, this whole thing is bullshit, most of that stuff gets thrown out anyway.
Carmela: The store's policy was very clear
A.J. Soprano: Yeah, well maybe I care about the environment did that ever occur to you? "'Wallace and Gromit" that weighed like fifty pounds, how many trees gave their lives for that? It just goes to the dump.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Can I come to a peaceful house one God damn night?
A.J. Soprano: You always tell me to think like a business man, yet every time I do there's something wrong, I was making money throwing parties in high school that was no good.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know what I think, all those days you call in sick, you show up late, you deserve to get canned
Carmela: The worst part is: you don't even give a shit
A.J. Soprano: I should give a shit about Blockbuster? I can't live on what they pay me anyway.
Carmela: Why not? You live at home, we feed you.
A.J. Soprano: You have a social life but I can't, you have any idea what it costs at a descent club in New York? It's five hundred dollars for a bottle of Cristal, and it's a two bottle minimum.
Carmela: You spend a thousand dollars a night on champagne?
A.J. Soprano: [Lying] no, not every night, barely ever

Meadow: [after she notices he throws a pen across his room] What's your beef?
A.J. Soprano: [frustrated with his homework assignment] Asshole Robert Frost, how am I supposed to know what this means?
Meadow: [after turning off his music, walks towards his desk then reading from his book] Stopping by the woods on an evening, oh my God, I'm so glad I'm not in high school anymore
A.J. Soprano: You read this?
Meadow: Sure
A.J. Soprano: What does it mean? I have turn in a close read by tomorrow
Meadow: What does it mean?
Meadow: [reading from his book] The woods are lovely, dark and deep but I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep
Meadow: ok, look, where is he?
A.J. Soprano: His in a field on a horse
Meadow: His not on a horse, the horse has bells
A.J. Soprano: so?
Meadow: What kind of horse has bells?
A.J. Soprano: I don't know, just give me the fuckin answer so I can write this
Meadow: A horse that's pulling a sleigh
A.J. Soprano: So, this is a Thanksgiving poem? Like Over the river through the woods to grandma's house we go?
Meadow: No, it's not a Thanksgiving poem, what's covering the field?
A.J. Soprano: Snow
Meadow: [implying he guessed correctly] Yay! And what does snow symbolize?
A.J. Soprano: Christmas?
Meadow: [rolls her eyes] Hello? Cold? Endless white? Endless nothing?
A.J. Soprano: [raises his voice] I don't know
Meadow: Death
A.J. Soprano: I thought black was death?
Meadow: [reads from his book] He has miles to go before he sleeps
A.J. Soprano: So, he must be far away from his house?
Meadow: The sleep of death: the big sleep, his talking about his own death which has yet to come but will come
A.J. Soprano: [confused] That's fucked up

Carmela: [in their safe house, to Meadow as she leaves] See you Thursday
Meadow: [kisses and hugs Tony] Hi
Tony: [to Meadow] Where you going I just got here
Meadow: I'm really late meeting Patrick in the city,
Carmela: She smelled that odor too
Tony: your remodeling will fix all that
Carmela: Maybe it's toxic maybe we shouldn't be breathing it
Tony: It's not toxic, the odor is what? 90 years old? Its piss
Carmela: I've got to get home
Tony: I'm working on it
Carmela: I went to see Sil and Gab,oh my God
Tony: Yeah
Carmela: [Watching walk AJ walk Rhiannon to the door] Are you being careful? This kind of bothers me
Tony: What's she going to do? She should use the back door, wouldn't kick her out of bed for purging cookies
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Real funny, we're just friends
Tony: I know, nice work
Carmela: She's a model
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: She's doing some modeling, she's a junior in high school
Carmela: What?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: She's quitting modeling anyway she's tired of being exploited
Tony: Did you help your mother take the carpets outside? Put them in the sun?
Carmela: He did
Tony: Uncle Bobby's funeral is finally set, Thursday we're going to be there
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: How's that supposed to work? We're all in DEFCON 4, living in separate houses, we're going to stand out in the open at a cemetery?
Carmela: There's always a large FBI presence

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: So that's a crack 'ho.

Meadow: This country's light-years behind the rest of the world. Most civilized countries have legalized prostitution.
Tony: Don't you got somewhere to be?
Meadow: I mean, it's a joke. Look what they're putting the President through.
Carmela: He deserved what he got.
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: He got Monica Lewinsky and the broad with the long nose.
Meadow: I just don't think sex should be a punishable offense.
Tony: You know honey, that's where I agree with you. I don't think sex should be a punishable offense either. But I do think talking about sex at the breakfast table is a punishable offense. So no more sex talk, OK?
Meadow: It's the 90s. Parents are supposed to discuss sex with their children.
Tony: Yeah, but that's where you're wrong. You see out there it's the 1990s but in this house it's 1954.
[points to the window]
Tony: 1990s.
[points to the floor]
Tony: 1954. So now and forever, I don't want to hear any more sex talk, OK?

Tony: YOU STUPID FUCKIN' MORON! You realized what could have happened to you if we didn't have connections? Some cop goes by the book and they charge you with attempted murder! You hear me! Attempted murder, then what? THEN WHAT?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: He shot you! Were you just gonna let him fucking get away with it?
Tony: I told you that's my business not yours! And what did you do? Nothing! Zero a big fucking jerk-off!
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: FUCK YOU!
Tony: I oughta break your fucking neck!
[Tony grabs him forcingly and lets a sobbing A.J. go]
Tony: Stop cryin'! Stop cryin'!
[pause for a moment]
Tony: I guess your heart was in the right place A.J. But it's wrong. Come on!
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: What?
Tony: It's not in your nature!
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: You don't know me! Alright! You don't know anything about me!
Tony: You're a nice guy! And I'm greatful for that!
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Well you're a fucking hypocrite! Because everytime we watch "Godfather". When Michael Corleone shoots those guys at the restaurant, those assholes who tried to kill his dad. You sit there with your fucking bowl of ice cream and say it's your favorite scene of all time!

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: So what, no fucking ziti now?
[in the PG-13 version A.J. says]
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: So what, no freaking ziti now?

Carmela: [while looking at the suit their bringing Tony in jail who was recently arrested for a gun charge] Oh, God damn it AJ, there's tomato sauce all over these pants, I asked for the brown suit in the dry-cleaning bag!
A.J. Soprano: Well, the light didn't go on in your closet
Carmela: Stop it, will you please?
Meadow: [to Carmela while driving, when they watched Tony get arrested] That show of force, was that all about humiliating dad?

A.J. Soprano: [sarcastically, after realizing Tony mistakenly ate his cereal] great
Tony: Hey, I thought you liked the other one, the Corn Pops: here take it
A.J. Soprano: [when looking in the refrigerator] No juice either?
Tony: I told you write it down and I'll have the girl pick up whatever you want.
A.J. Soprano: She doesn't know the difference between Fruit Roll-ups and Pop-Tarts
Tony: I know, everybody's an idiot to you
Tony: [sarcastically] You know there's these places called supermarkets where you go buy the "things" that you like, I'll reimburse you
A.J. Soprano: When am I supposed to do that?
Tony: As far as I can tell you spend most of the time on the phone or sitting on the couch perfecting that pissy look on your face
A.J. Soprano: Add coming home drunk sounds like you.

Patrick: [to Paulie, in the dinning area of Nuovo Vesuvio] Ay, we were discussing Dreamgirls. You see it?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: You people are fucked. You're living in a dream. And you still sit here talking about the fucking Oscars? "What rough beast slouches toward Bethlehem to be born?"
Paulie: Huh?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Yeets.
Meadow: A.J...
Tom: Yeats?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: The world... Don't you see it? I mean, Bush let Al-Qaeda escape...
Paulie: Oh!
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: ...in the mountains? Then he has us invade some other country?
Jason: Let's join up, go kill some fuckin' terrorists.
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: It's more noble than watching these jack-off fantasies on TV of how we're kickin' their ass!

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: can I go to the Mudvayne concert or not?
Carmela: I've been trying to think of a reason to let you stay overnight in New York with your friends but I'm afraid it's not gonna happen
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Todd's mother already made the arrangements: she said it'd be better than us driving home
Carmela: she's not your mother
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: [disappointed] yeah, I know, believe me
Carmela: [while AJ walks away, sarcastically] isn't life unfair?

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: [to Tony] Hey, Dad. I'm gonna get Uncle Junior for this. Don't worry.
[crying]
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: I watched since I was little how nice you were to him. And he doesn't get to just do this to you. And put you in here and get away with it. You're my Dad. And I'm gonna put a bullet in his fuckin' mummy head! I promise. I can't believe we're not gonna, like, do stuff together again. 'Cause we will. I'm positive.

Carmela: I swear to god, I'm gonna fucking kill you!
A.J. Soprano: What the fuck?
Carmela: You made the fool of yourself and our family on national fucking television!
A.J. Soprano: I didn't say that shit! They totally misquoted me!
Meadow: Holy shit.
Carmela: Well, of course they did. That's what they do! Which is why I and everybody else told you: don't talk to the press!
A.J. Soprano: You're the one who look like a total asshole, dragging me around like I was five years old!
Carmela: You're cross to bear, that's all you are, to your father, to me, to everybody!
A.J. Soprano: Fuck this! All right? Fuck it all!
[leaving his room]
Hugh: [to Carmela] Jesus, Mel! The hell's wrong with you?
Carmela: What's wrong with me? What's wrong with ME?
[she leaves]

Tony: [Final scene] Tony enters the restaurant and sits down
Carmela: [Carmela enters the restaurant and sits down the song "Don't Stop Believin' by Journey starts playing] Hey
Tony: Hey
Carmela: [Reading the menu] What looks good tonight?
Tony: I don't know, where's the gagootz?
Carmela: He just called his on his way, Mead's coming separately she had to go to the doctor
[Tony looks up]
Carmela: switch birth control
[Tony nods]
Carmela: you talk to Mink again?
Tony: It's Carlo, he's going to testify
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: [AJ enters the restaurant and sits down] onion rings
Tony: Best in the state as far as I'm concerned
Carmela: [Waitress brings them their drinks] How was work today?
Tony: It's an entry level job so bug up
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: right, focus on the good times
Tony: Don't be sarcastic
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Isn't that what you said one time? Try to remember the times that were good?
Tony: I did?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Yeah
Tony: Well, it's true, I guess
Tony: [the waitress brings a bowl of onion rings to the table] I went ahead and ordered some for the table

Devin: I "pictured" your house different, I figured it'd be like Don Corleone's compound with gates and walls with a big old Cadillac, isn't that stupid?
A.J. Soprano: [referring to the sequel of The Godfather, jokingly] our place in Tahoe looks like Michael's in 2
Devin: [impressed] wow, really?
A.J. Soprano: [smiles] no, we don't have a place in Tahoe: we have a boat though
Devin: I'm like a gangster dude's girlfriend

Carmela: I cannot believe this. Do you know how serious this is?
Carmela: [after AJ remains silent] do you? Answer me right now
A.J. Soprano: Yes
Carmela: Yes what?
A.J. Soprano: I know it's serious
Carmela: So, why did you do it?
A.J. Soprano: I don't know
Carmela: Why did you do it? Do you hate the school? Do you have a problem with someone there or something?
A.J. Soprano: No
Carmela: Then why?
A.J. Soprano: It just happened. We went swimming as a group. Someone threw something in the pool. Couple of guys started throwing stuff into the pool. We just did it
Carmela: And if they were "just" jumping off the George Washington Bridge would you "just" do that too?
A.J. Soprano: No
Tony: [Asking why AJ is home when he should be in school] what're you doing here?
Carmela: Answer your father
A.J. Soprano: I got sent home
Tony: Why?
Tony: [Raising his voice after AJ remains silent] Why?
A.J. Soprano: I got into trouble
Carmela: Your son broke into his school Friday night and vandalized the swimming pool
Tony: How do you vandalize a swimming pool?
Carmela: Threw a bunch of stuff in it and broke things
Tony: What'd you do that for?
A.J. Soprano: Screwing around
Tony: [Smacks his head] on your mother's birthday?
A.J. Soprano: It wasn't. It was after midnight
Tony: What're you fuckin stupid? So are you suspended?
A.J. Soprano: I don't know
Carmela: Tony, do you know how serious this is? He may be expelled
Tony: What'd they say?
A.J. Soprano: Nothing, they just sent me home. They said to bring your parents into the principal's office
Tony: On your mother's birthday
A.J. Soprano: They're going to call you
Tony: Just when everything was going good, your going to miss the big game. Your screwing everything up. Your football career down the drain!

Carmela: [after telling him to hang up the phone in his room, referring to his college applications] I don't know what to say, you know? Those applications are late, you are cooked it's that simple and I do know this because I have raised you from day one, you are not gonna like working at MacDonald's
A.J. Soprano: Could you amp up the drama a little?
Carmela: You know what? I don't like sarcasm and I don't want you around next year sponging off of us so fine, I am withholding your allowance until all of those applications are done
A.J. Soprano: That's not even practical and you know it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after hearing them argue and entering the room, to Carmela] What's the matter?
Carmela: He hasn't done his applications: he isn't getting allowance
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [sternly to AJ] no allowance
A.J. Soprano: Actually, I have three hundred dollars of my own money
Carmela: How?
A.J. Soprano: Me and Matt put on a party: five dollars a person, made six hundred bucks after expenses
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [confused] What expenses?
A.J. Soprano: The band
Carmela: Is that what you've been on the phone about these last two weeks?
A.J. Soprano: It may interest you to know, people said it was the best party all year
Carmela: There was drinking there, I suppose?
A.J. Soprano: We just let people into Matt's house, what they brought with them was not under our control
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [ignoring his explanation] Do your applications... now

Rosalie: [while in the hospital cafeteria] I'll be glad to sit with Tony
Carmela: Hospital rules: it's only family for now but thank you. Angie phoned, I guess she's very busy over there with her body shop?
Rosalie: [after AJ walks up to their table, jokingly, implying AJ resembles the Italian-American fashion model] Oh, look who's here, Fabio, I'm available
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: [to his mother] So, what, now there's actual roaster of who and when stays with dad and I'm not on it?
Carmela: Frankly, I don't think you'd be interested
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: I was sick and I've been trying to study, which is what everyone is usually hassling me about twenty-four, seven. I guess there always has to be something right?
Carmela: Come here and sit down, ok?
Carmela: [when AJ ignores his mother and walks away] Studying? He goes clubbing in New York
Rosalie: You cut him too much slack: you still protect him
Carmela: I know he avoids Tony because he can't face seeing him like that, it frightens him
Rosalie: [adamantly] It frightens everybody, he should get a pass? Kids his age are getting blown up in Iraq
Carmela: you know what's interesting? Janice noticed when AJ talks about Tony possibly not coming out of this, he can't even use the word Dad, he says Anthony Soprano is not going to die.
Rosalie: [sarcastically] Well, that's a fascinating psychological nugget but it don't change the fact if that kid don't pull his end in this, his never gonna forgive himself and nobody else should either
Carmela: It's just that Tony has always loomed so large for AJ
Rosalie: Well, maybe AJ is just a selfish kid that don't give a shit?
Carmela: I'm sorry your son is no longer with us but don't use mine as a guinea pig for your ideas on parenting. I never saw you take a hard line
Rosalie: Why do you think I'm talking to you like this?
Carmela: The thing is Tony has an open incision. If you are there when they change the dressing, it's very hard to take, I don't know if AJ should see that?

A.J. Soprano: [Referring to damaging Carmella's station wagon] it wasn't my fault
Carmela: You stole my car, where is the trust in this house?
A.J. Soprano: When I get confirmed, I'm going to be a man so how come I can't drive?
Tony: You really want to get into this huh? Who was that "man" we had to pick at camp last year for bed wetting?
A.J. Soprano: That was the year before last
Carmela: You could've killed those girls
A.J. Soprano: That would've been interesting
Carmela: What? What'd you just say?
A.J. Soprano: Death just shows you the ultimate absurdity of life
Tony: What is this? Are you trying to get me to lose my temper? Because I'm about to put you through that God damn window
A.J. Soprano: See? That's what I mean: life is absurd
Carmela: Don't say that God forgive you
A.J. Soprano: There is no God
Carmela: Where is this coming from?
Tony: What'd they teach you this crap at school?
Carmela: Is this the new English teacher Mr. Clark..?Where is he from?
Meadow: [after AJ remains silent, while walking into the kitchen] Oberland. You want him to read something other than Hustler? Hello? He got assigned a stranger. You want him to be an educated person? What'd you think education is? You just make more money? This is education
A.J. Soprano: Do you ever think like why were we born?
Meadow: Madame de Staël said "In life, one must choose between boredom and suffering."
Tony: [to Meadow] Go to your room
A.J. Soprano: No, I'm serious why were we born?
Carmela: We were born because of Adam and Eve, that's why. Now go upstairs and do your math
Meadow: Algebra? That's the most boring
Tony: Well, your other choice is suffering, you want to start now? Move your ass!

Officer: [referring to the bear that wandered onto the Soprano property] this could be the same one from Willow Drive
Carmela: God, the most densely populated state and still this
Officer: his gone: he went through your neighbor's garbage though, the Callshanks
Carmela: it's been going on all over. If my son had been alone...
Officer: you're not gonna want to put your trash cans out until as close to pick up time as possible
Carmela: [to AJ] you hear that?
Officer: also, put Ammonia or bleach on the container and on the lid, I posted a notice to your neighbors
Officer: if it had been a Category Two, injury or serious property damage, we could set traps but not for this
A.J. Soprano: [to his mother] you should've "busted a cap in his ass" with dad's rifle
Officer: it's illegal to discharge firearms within the borough limits son
A.J. Soprano: [to his mother] your gonna call dad, aren't you?
Carmela: no
Officer: [before giving her their contact information] a great percentage of them don't come back. If he does, call us
Officer: oh, is your bird feed back there?
Carmela: yeah, duck food: my husband's
Officer: it's probably what attracted the animal. See, the corn's become damp and aromatic: your gonna want to tell your husband to put it inside
Carmela: right

Principal: [In his office, to AJ and Egon, showing them their tests] imagine neither of you ever got so much as a passing grade on any geometry test and then the mid-term. Sister Agnes shared these with me: both of you ninety-six percent. Remarkable, I'd like to call your parents and share the good news with them
A.J. Soprano: Oh, you really don't have to
Principal: What do you want to tell me? If you cooperate now, it'll be easier later
Principal: [Referring to the janitor] I don't have to waste my time with you, it was both your urine that Mr. Lugumo spent two hours scrubbing. Your DNA was an exact match
Egon: [Begins to cry] oh, Jesus
A.J. Soprano: His the one who peed first! I didn't even have to pee until he did it. I could take another test. You can watch me

Meadow: What stuff?
Carmela: This gay nonsense their teaching. I am sorry but Billy Budd is not a homosexual book
Meadow: Actually, it is mother
Carmela: I saw the movie Meadow with Terence Stamp
Colin: Terence Stamp was in the Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert
Carmela: I don't know about that but Billy Budd is a story about an innocent sailor being picked on by an evil boss
Meadow: Who's picking on him out of self loathing caused by homosexual feelings in the military context
Carmela: Oh, please
A.J. Soprano: OK
Alessandra: Actually Mrs. Soprano, there's a passage in the book where Melville compares Billy to a statue of Adam before the fall
A.J. Soprano: Really?
Tony: I thought you read it?

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: [happily to a friend and fellow student] I might be learning disabled!

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: I'm fuckin depressed, ok?
Tony: you broke up, how long you wanna cry about it?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: [referring to Blanca Selgado] She was my life
Tony: Your twenty years old, you barely have a life and you're better off anyway. She was cute, ok? But come on, with another guy's kid to boot
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: She was the best thing that ever happened to me
Tony: What you're going through, what you're feeling right now, it happens sometimes: everybody gets the "blues", there's a half a billion-dollar industry devoted to it
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: What, Prozac?
Tony: No, the music business: they write thousands of songs about this shit, "Tears on my pillow", "Mona Lisa", right?

Anthony: I was watching CNN. This story about these kids in some Iraqi hospital. How the burn unit doesn't have the right medicine or something. And then they show this story about some mall in Minnesota and these gigantic, fat people buying stuff and eating all this shit. You know, it's like my parents. You should see our house, this stupid coffee maker they got, media room. You know, then there's Blanca. Her kid hardly talks. She can't afford to send him to a decent school.
Dr. Richard Vogel: You think your feelings about Blanca in any way relate to this African boy?
Anthony: She's not black!... I mean... she's pretty tan.

Carmela: [during family dinner, to Tony] while you were sleeping, we found out Hunter Scangarelo got into Reed College
Meadow: [to her mother, irritated] can't you be happy for Hunter? Reed was her first choice: she'd die if she didn't get in. Why do you always think everything has something to do with me?
A.J. Soprano: because you didn't get in anywhere
Carmela: [after chastising AJ for insulting his sister] nobody has heard anything for months: Hunter took early acceptance so she found out early, what that means is she could only apply to that one college. Your sister, on the other hand, gave herself a lot of options such as Bowdoin, Holy Cross, Georgetown...
Meadow: you know Georgetown is a total reach for me
Carmela: oh, please they'd be crazy not to want you
Meadow: if I can in there, I can probably get into Berkeley?
Tony: over my dead body
Meadow: there are more Nobel Prize winners in the San Francisco Bay area than any other area on the planet
Tony: Nobel Prize for what? Packing Fudge? Look, you know you can go anywhere you want to go to college but I'll tell you where I'm not gonna pay for, and that's Berkeley
A.J. Soprano: I want to go to Harvard or West Point
Tony: well, you might get to see them on television but that's about it: you wanna go to college like those, you gotta crack the books

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So, Finn, you got any plans for the summer? Going back to Mission Viejo to surf or whatever?
Finn: Actually, I'm hoping to stay here in the city
Meadow: [to AJ] How's summer school going?
A.J. Soprano: Sucks
Finn: I did summer school once: you can still have fun
Meadow: [to Finn] At casa de Carmela, his looking at a maximum security summer
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Meadow, after Finn leaves for the restroom] Why don't you cut your mother a break? For the record, she's the one holding this family through this current situation and all
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to the waiter] Can we get the check, please?
Waiter: [referring to Finn] The young man took care of it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Finn when he returns] You paid the check?
Finn: I figured since your always so generous, I thought I'd reciprocate
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You're lucky you don't get your head handed to you
Meadow: Dad...
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Let's get something straight: you eat, I pay
Finn: Mr. Soprano...
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No, when you have your own family, you pay
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to AJ After putting money on the table] Let's go
Meadow: [to Finn] Just take the money

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [as AJ walks down the stairs in a military uniform] oh, Sgt. Bilko
Carmela: [Chastising him for teasing AJ] Tony
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Your right. I'm sorry. You shouldn't get too gloomy about this
Carmela: [Admiring him his appearance] My God Anthony, you know what? You look very handsome
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: She's right. You do
A.J. Soprano: Yeah, right
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Referring to the slang term for the latissimus dorsi muscles] No, I'm serious. Tight suit like that shows off your lats
Carmela: Put on the hat?
A.J. Soprano: No way
Carmela: Please? You look so cute at the store
A.J. Soprano: They're not going to sew the hat
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Put the hat on for your mother
A.J. Soprano: No!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Quickly stands up from the couch] what'd you say?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after AJ put on the hat] Now, look at that. I'm serious you look very impressive
Carmela: My God, if I wasn't already married
A.J. Soprano: [after looking at himself in the mirror] I look like a total jerk-off
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You do not. What're you crying?
A.J. Soprano: I don't want to go there
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You need toughing up
Carmela: [while trying to adjust the bottom of his slacks] stand up straight
A.J. Soprano: I'm standing fuckin straight
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Pointing at him] hey, you keep it up God damn it!

Carmela: [after seeing a news report showing AJ cursing at reporters, rushes into his room to confront him] I swear I'm going to fucking kill you
A.J. Soprano: [after Carmella pulls his blanket off him] what the fuck?
Carmela: You made a fool of yourself and our family on national fuckin television
Carmela: I didn't even say that shit. They totally misquoted me
Carmela: Of course they did. That's what they do. Which is why I and everybody else told you don't talk to the press
A.J. Soprano: Yeah well, your the one who looks like an asshole: dragging me around like I was five years old
Carmela: [Calling him the religious idiom] Your a "cross to bear", to me, to your father to everybody
A.J. Soprano: [Before storming out, grabbing his shoes and clothes] fuck this! Fuck it all!

Carmela: [sternly, after rushing him away from a reporter] what did I tell you?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: we were just talking
Carmela: don't talk to them: say nothing. Where are your father's CDs?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: oh, I forgot
Carmela: [irritated] Jesus, everybody here is pitching in but you
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: [sarcastically] thanks mom
Carmela: I wish you would go to class if this is all your gonna do
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: with my father in the hospital?
Carmela: [giving him money] go to the deli on Broad St. get some baked goods, get enough for everybody upstairs, get an assortment
Carmela: [points to another exit to avoid being seen by the press] go this way

Tony: Your amigos with the baggy pants, I hope you kept them away from the silver
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Oh, Jesus, their musicians aright? they saw the ad for the drums
Tony: You're selling your drums?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: I need cash, I don't play them anymore
Carmela: Those drums were a gift from your father
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Yeah, I don't wanna sell them, if you guys hadn't made me get such a crappy job, I wouldn't have to
Carmela: oh, so this is our fault?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: I'm wasting my time at Blockbuster
Tony: Then get off your ass and get another job
Carmela: What about community college? You said were gonna go back to school
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: [irritated, intentionally speaking slowly to belittle them] Ok, for the hundredth time, I can't register until second semester! I mean, Jesus Christ, I do what you guys want, don't I deserve some kind of life?

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Un-fuckin'-believable!

Carmela: [to Janice] how was the guest bed? Did you sleep alright?
Janice: [Nods] great, usually I bring my own pillow: ergonomic, I got ripped off at the bus stop in Rapid City
Tony: [after coming down from upstairs] what? Those pillows aren't good enough for pillows aren't to sleep on anymore?
Tony: [Before they hug each other] come here
Janice: Oh, look who decided to join us? My little brother
Tony: How you doing Jan...?
A.J. Soprano: [Reminding Tony Janice's surname] Parvati
Tony: [Pats him on the side of the head] I'm her brother, I get a pass
Tony: You look good, you look like... a teenager
Janice: [to everybody] my therapist says I'm "regressing"
Tony: Oh, your therapist? Who pays for that?
Janice: The State of Washington: total disability
Tony: Oh yeah, the Epstein-Barr
Janice: [Correcting him of the previous illness she had] "was", chronic Carpal Tunnel from my last job: the steamed milk machine
Janice: [Walking over to Tony at the kitchen bar counter] hey, I stayed up waiting for you, when did you get in?
Tony: Late, you know?
Tony: [Irritated] what the fuck is that smell?
Janice: Miso soup, its seaweed
A.J. Soprano: [to Tony, referring to Janice] she's been telling us all about Seattle
Tony: If I see those grunge pants on you, you'll be looking on the ground looking up
Meadow: [Jokingly] dad, how do you stay so hip?
Janice: [to AJ and Meadow] I'll be back in a sec, don't let your father near my soup: he makes fun of it but he'll eat anything before noon, that's not locked away
Carmela: You don't see your sister for years and right away, you're already starting on her diet?
Tony: Hey, believe me, she gets as good as she gets

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [while reading through military school brochures during dinner] now this I like, "Highly Structured Environment."
Carmela: Which one is that?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: H.M.I. Hudson Military Institute: "A Second Century of Excellence."
A.J. Soprano: I never said I was going
Carmela: We're just looking honey
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: We're looking, and then your going
Carmela: [Answering the phone when it rang] hello? Oh, hi Marie, no, oh my God. Where's Rosalie?
Marie: She's right here, she can't come to the phone
Carmela: Tell her I'll be there as soon as I can
Carmela: [after hanging up] oh my God
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What is it?
Carmela: Jackie Jr. was shot to death in the Boonton projects by drug dealers.
Carmela: [while running out the kitchen] I'm going over to Rosalie's
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to A.J., after Carmella left, implying this is what happens when teenagers don't apply themselves academically and commit crimes] you see?

A.J. Soprano: [In the hospital] what's up?
Christopher: You were at South Mountain Arena yesterday trying to buy a gun from that asshole that works in the snack stand?
A.J. Soprano: Who told you that?
Christopher: We know how you feel but you can't do this.
A.J. Soprano: I can't believe you know this, who told you this?
Bobby: If my father was laying in there shot I'd be thinking the same thing.
Christopher: But you can't go this.
A.J. Soprano: Yeah, well why the fuck not?
Bobby: Listen to me, I'm your uncle Junior's in federal lock up, no one's getting to him in there.
A.J. Soprano: It's difficult but not impossible.
Christopher: Trust me your dad does not want you to get involved
Bobby: You've got to channel that rage elsewhere, like golden gloves
Christopher: Dumb bells or some shit, fuck your girlfriend more

Tony: [Seeing AJ jogging on the road on the side of a small mountain while driving his SUV] Get in, that's good activity, you can already see a difference
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Yeah
Tony: I'm going to get back at it myself
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: I'm going to join the army
Tony: What? Did you sign any shit?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: No, but this week I will I've got to deal with Rhiannon first
Tony: Rhiannon? What about your mother?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Her too
Tony: Are you nuts? You want to get sent to Iraq?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Afghanistan, the army's probably good for my career
Tony: You don't have a career
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Right, my ultimate goal is to qualify for helicopter pilot training afterwards work for Trump or somebody, be their personal pilot
Tony: I'm not even going to tell your mother about this, and don't you do nothing until we've another chance to talk you hear me?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Yes

Principal: Verbum Dei has a strict zero tolerance policy in cases of vandalism. It's a policy that demands the immediate expulsion of the offending student
Tony: [to the principal then to AJ] I told him, you see?
Principal: Having said that in this case after much deliberation and assessment, we have decided on a "suspended sentence." This consideration has only been arrived at upon Anthony's academic performance and his involvement in extracurricular sport
Carmela: His academic performance?
Principal: His brought his GPA up to a C...
Tony: So, what is the punishment?
Principal: We suggest and hope that Anthony's punishment be meaded out parentally
Carmela: So, it's not exactly "zero tolerance?"
Father: Each child is special: that's the guiding principal of this school too
Tony: What about detention?
Principal: A lawsuit a few years back forced us to eliminate our detention program
Tony: Well, his off the football team right?
Father: No
Principal: Studies done at Harvard and elsewhere have shown that boys have greater success in avoiding the pitfalls of adolescent when committed to and involved in sport
Tony: [to AJ] You better wipe that smile off your face
Tony: Look, I told him his going to be off the team. Now aren't you kind of...
Carmela: [Interrupts him] undermining...
Father: [Interrupts her] It's not only skill that Anthony has shown on the field, it's also leadership qualities as well. We feel that it'll be against his best interests and the team's to sever his relationship with the squad
Tony: Well, if you think that's best
Principal: However, and I can't this strong enough, if there is one more infraction of our code, the sentence will be immediately go into effect and Anthony will be expelled
Principal: [Leans forward] do you understand this Anthony?
A.J. Soprano: Yes

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I work hard all day to pay for this six thousand-square foot house, big-screen TVs, food on the table, video games, all kinds of scooters and bicycles, Columbia University, and for what? To come home to this?
A.J. Soprano: Sucks to be you.
[slaps AJ]
Carmela: [gasps] My God, Tony!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: There's more where that came from! We're starting a new regime around here!

Tony: [in their safe house] How many fucking times I've told you it's an SUV watch where you park off road the Cadillac converter and the dry vegetation
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: I didn't see the leaves
Tony: [shouting at AJ] You can grill fucking steaks on that converter, I told you!
Carmela: If there was children playing in those leaves, you'd run them over?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: [confused] I guess?
Tony: You're going to get cute now?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: I was just answering her question
Meadow: [trying to defend AJ] Dad, he wasn't being funny
Tony: You mind your own God damn business, unless you want some of this too
Meadow: [Meadow leaves the room] Mr. Fat mouth
Tony: [shouting to Meadow] What'd you say?
Carmela: What was going through your mind?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: What do you want from me? I am depressed, I'm supposed to be looking for piles of leaves?
Tony: You want to get depressed? Thirty thousand dollars for that car
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Isn't that what we have insurance for?
Carmela: Excuse me? You're not getting another one
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Actually that's good it'll force me to take the bus
Carmela: What?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: We have to break our dependence on foreign oil

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: [after Tony pulls over in a poor neighborhood] now what?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: what, you afraid?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: right, like I haven't seen places like this before
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: you see those houses over there? I'm buying them
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: those crappy ones? What for?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: for an investment, what've I been saying?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: I don't know
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: real estate, buy real estate
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: dad, the black dude's coming over
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after Tony rolls down the window] hey, what's up?
Jemilo: [asking him if he's a police officer] sup? 5-0?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [jokingly, gesturing to AJ] uh, yeah, I'm Starsky and this is Hutch
Jemilo: [referring to the narcotics his selling] smoke, crack, or crank?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: no, thank you: we're just having a look around
Jemilo: yeah, no "eye-in, if you ain't buy-in"
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I thought this was a free country?
Crackhead: unless you want "something", motherfucker, get the fuck off our street
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: oh, the language on you, you "blow" your father with that mouth?
Jemilo: the fuck you just say to my sister?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: take it easy, I don't want no trouble, I'm just showing my son the "old neighborhood"
Jemilo: [shows him his gun underneath his shirt] yeah, well, this our neighborhood now, guinea motherfucker
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [nods, before rolling up the window and driving away] yeah, I can see that

Tony: [Walks into the kitchen from the back yard and sees his family waiting for him] what?
Carmela: Your mother died
Tony: You're kidding
Tony: [Surprised] I mean... Jesus Christ
Carmela: Svetlana just called. She said after dinner your mother went upstairs to get ready for bed, when Svetlana came up she thought your mother was asleep
Carmela: [after Tony sits down at the kitchen table, she walks over and holds his hand] Svetlana's waiting for us over there
Tony: She's dead
Meadow: I'm sorry dad, that your mom died
A.J. Soprano: Me too
Tony: Hey, your grandmother loved you, both of you very much

Carmela: Your father and I have discussed your punishment
Tony: Your grounded for a month. That means no Nintendo, no DVD's, no skate boards
Carmela: And no computer
A.J. Soprano: I use the computer for school
Carmela: Get the typewriter out of the basement
A.J. Soprano: Dad threw it out
Carmela: Then use a pen. It worked for Einstein, it can work for you
Tony: On top of that you're going to work your little ass off around here which you should have been doing anyway
A.J. Soprano: OK
Tony: OK or not, you got no choice. Number one you go to the garage and clean it out, make it neat and organized
Carmela: Jackie Jr. did that the other day
Tony: [to Carmela] See what I'm saying about him?
Tony: [to AJ] You know you ought to take a few lessons from Jackie Aprile. Get your act together, the kid's pre-med at Rutgers and finds time to come down here and help out
Carmela: And your going to clean the gutters
A.J. Soprano: What gutters?
Tony: On the roof
A.J. Soprano: Where?
Tony: On the edge, the things that collect the water?
A.J. Soprano: I don't know what you mean
Tony: [Assuming AJ is playing dumb to get out of the punishment] Don't get smart with me
A.J. Soprano: I don't know

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Oh, hey dad. I was just taking out the trash, its garbage day tomorrow
Tony: What's different about you?
Carmela: He has no eyebrows Tony
Tony: [after looking carefully on both sides of his face] who did this?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: We were just screwing around
Tony: What'd you say to your mother?
Carmela: Tony...
Tony: [Sternly] what did you say?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: I said the F word
Tony: [Grabs him by the neck and holds him against the wall, referring to the new SUV he bought him] your finished. Your not going to drive that car until your forty-five years old! I'm selling it tomorrow
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Look, she wouldn't let me talk. I was trying to tell her what happened
Carmela: Oh, see? It's my fault
Tony: Let's hear it
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Well, I was going to go to Meadow's but there weren't any cabs and I didn't think you wanted me standing in the street at eleven thirty at night, we were right by the hotel
Carmela: Enough of your lying
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: I am not lying
Tony: Look at your face. If you have some sexual proclivity with that teacher or whatever now's the time to tell us. I mean what went on up there? Poppers and weird sex
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: What? No? Look we don't do drugs around some stupid dopers. I had a few beers but it just made me sick
Carmela: How could anybody believe what you say?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Because I told you. You never believe me
Tony: You had a couple beers
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Yeah
Tony: Didn't do any drugs?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: [Acting innocently, lying] No
Tony: [Sympathetically for AJ] Carmella, look a couple beers, he should be grounded yeah, it's not the end of the world
Carmela: [Shocked] what? You know what? I am sick of your bullshit, both of you. He can go live with you
Tony: Don't get dramatic now alright?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: What? Great, good!
Tony: [to AJ] Shut up
Carmela: I have never been more serious in my life
Tony: [to AJ] take out the trash, go outside
Tony: [Sits down next to her on the couch] what're we going to do? Really?
Carmela: What did I just say?
Tony: No, I mean really? Come on
Carmela: Did you think I was joking?
Tony: Carmella, this normal teenage shit. You remember us? The CYO dance, we left Artie out in the snow, he almost lost his fingers and we still laugh our asses off about it
Carmela: I don't really blame AJ. His doing what his suppose to, his testing the limits as much as he can. I blame myself
Tony: What are you talking about?
Carmela: You don't know what it's like to have your son hate your guts
Tony: [Dismissively] He doesn't hate your guts