30 Best Augustus Hill Quotes

Augustus: You swat at a fly, step on an ant, squash a cockroach, you don't think much of it. In fact, killing a bug gives you a sense of accomplishment. Fucking ant was ruining your picnic, cockroach was crawling through your kitchen cabinets. You put an end to their disgusting, miserable little lives and make a better world for everyone. Only, for every one you kill, more appear. Bigger, uglier, meaner than before.

Augustus: When Napoleon died in Exile, the doctors cut off his dick. They put his dick in an ornate jar and gave it to his priest; don't ask me why. Over the years, Napoleon's dick was sold and sold again to the highest bidder. To this day, at least three people claim to own Napoleon's dick. But you see, it's not important who owns the real dick. The big question is, well... who the fuck do those other two dicks belong to?

Augustus: The Vikings, their brutality aside, had their moments of brilliance. At one point, they were such great shipbuilders, that Leif Ericson and his crew sailed all the way to America. Some people say that he probably went as down south as the New York harbor. Here's where the brilliance comes in- they took a look and went back.

Augustus: So, what separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom? What makes us so different? We're the only species who put our own kind in cages.

Augustus: [the final lines of the series] So, what have we learned? What's the lesson for today? For all the never-ending days and restless nights in Oz? That morality is transient? That virtue cannot exist without violence? That to be honest is to be flawed? That the giving and taking of love both debases and elevates us? That God or Allah or Yahweh has answers to questions we dare not even ask? The story is simple. A man lives in prison and dies. How he dies, that's easy. The who and the why is the complex part. The human part. The only part worth knowing. Peace.

[last lines]
Augustus: So, that road to hell that's paved with good intentions? I'm not saying to make a detour, only that before you make your first step, consider the consequences, 'cause good can turn to bad in the blink of a fuckin' eye.

Augustus: Life in Oz sucks, and only a fool or a Republican will tell you different.

Augustus: [as narrator] Let me tell you, dying is a lot harder on the living then it is on the dead. Death really only hurts those left behind.

[Keller is leaving to stand trial in Massachusetts for a murder he did not commit]
Chris: See ya.
Tobias: [scoffs] When?
Chris: Back here. Or in heaven.
Tobias: You really think we're going to get into heaven?
Chris: Aw, you and me together. God doesn't have the balls to keep us out.
[Keller is pulled away by the guards, zoom in on Beecher's sad face, Augustus begins narration]
Augustus: The worst stab wound is the one to the heart. Sure, most people survive it, but the heart is never quite the same.
[cut to Augustus, sitting in the dark]
Augustus: There's always a scar. Which is meant, I guess, to remind you that - even for a little while - someone made your heart beat faster. And that's a scar you can live with. Proudly. All the days of your life.
[blackout]

Augustus: Then the Lord said: "I have seen the affliction of my people who are in Egypt and have heard their cries because of their taskmasters. I know their suffering and have come down to deliver them out of the hands of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land to a good and broad land. A land flowing with milk and honey." Yeah. God sends Moses to be a deliverer, then throws a curveball. God hardens Pharoah's heart, so Pharoah won't let the Israelites go. "Moses set my people free. Pharoah, keep them captive." Hey, God, who's side are you on?

Augustus: Napoleon's final defeat came at Waterloo. Must've been embarrassing. You're the fucking emperor. You conquered all of Europe, only to lose in a place with a stupid name like Waterloo. Or Watergate, or Whitewater. Note to politicans: Stay on land.

Augustus: "You made your bed, now lie in it." Can anybody tell me what the fuck that means? You don't go through the trouble of making your bed, smoothing out the sheets, fluffing up the pillows just to ruin it all by lying down. The phrase should be, "You laid in your bed, now make it." The point being, you've got to be responsible for your actions. Responsible.

Augustus: OZ. The name on the street for the Oswald State Correctional Facility, Level 4.

Augustus: [In Em City] Oz.
Tim: [In his office] Oz.
Tobias: [In the infirmary] Oz.
Vern: [In his Gen. Pop. cell] Oz.
Sister: [In the Gen. Pop. section] Oz.
Ryan: [In the guard booth of Em City] Oz.
Warden: [in front of fellow officers] Oz.
Miguel: [In Solitary] Oz.

Arnold: Thanks man. You know, if I was a girl, you'd get tongue.
Augustus: If you was a girl, son, you'd be buttass ugly.
Arnold: Why you got to be all like that, man?

Augustus: Why didn't you let me have the paper route?
Burr: What?
Augustus: When I was ten, I wanted a paper route. Instead, you put me on the street, selling drugs.
Burr: So, what do you want? An apology? Well, you ain't getting it! When your father died in 'Nam, I swore to him I'd look out for you, and I did.
Augustus: How in the fuck did you do that?
Burr: I taught you how to do the only thing I knew how. I kept you alive, I kept you fed, and I helped keep a roof over you and your mother's head!
Augustus: Bullshit! The fact of the matter is, I wouldn't be in Oz, I wouldn't be in this chair, if you had only let me have the fucking paper route!

Augustus: When you take revenge on somebody, you are actually paying them the highest compliment possible. It's like saying, "You've affected my life to such an extent that I must reciprocate. I must affect your life as deeply as you have mine". Revenge may be the ultimate Hallmark card. Yeah. When you think of it like that, the cliché is true. Revenge *is* sweet.

[last lines]
Augustus: At the end of the day, a bed is the best friend you got. Sure, the mattress may be lumpy, the springs may have sprung, the bed itself may be in some seedy motel or in Oz. The bed beckons you. It comforts, cradles 'til you sleep. If you're lucky enough to have the right person lying next to you, shit, there ain't no reason you got to get out of that bed come morning. Goodnight, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite.

Augustus: [his last words] I can feel my legs.

Augustus: There's lots of folks who think the world's gonna end, come the dawn of this new millennium. They think we'll see the Second Coming of Christ, the Apocalypse, Armageddon, Doomsday. They tie it all to God's great plan. But ask yourself, "Does God know it's January 1st? Does he have his watch set for midnight? And if he does, which time zone is he in?" Man invented hours, days and minutes. Man invented calendars and clocks. God's got his own timetable and it's stupid of us to think that we can set it for him. All we can do is watch the clock run out, and hope for the best.

Augustus: They say that every snowflake is different. But how can they really be sure? I mean, think about all the snowflakes that have fallen all over the world throughout Earth's history. The law of averages dictates that at least two of them had to be similar. Like human beings, like the men in Oz, even if they start out unique, they end up the same.

Augustus: People are defined by three things. Their heads- how they think. Their hearts- what they feel. Their dicks- who they fuck. At the end of the day, each of us has to answer one question. One, not so simple question. Who am I?

Augustus: Don't worry, Poet. I won't rat you out.
Arnold: [gives Hill a kiss] Thanks, man. Shit, if I was a girl, you'd get tongue.
Augustus: If you was a girl, you'd be butt-ass ugly.

Augustus: Junk mail. Selling you this, promising you that. Publisher's Clearing House, you got your American Family sweepstakes, you got Ed McMahon warning you to open that envelope cause you could be a millionaire. And you know you can never win so you toss it. But what if you made the wrong choice? What if this was the one in a trillion time you win?

Augustus: Clemency. That's a fancy word for mercy. You see, the Governor can commute a death sentence. He has the power to just pick up the phone and say no. But to me, the only time the Governor shows clemency, is when he don't make that call. 'Cause life in prison without parole is a shitload worse than death. Death is parole. Death is the real mercy.

Nikolai: You know what I miss more than anything about being free? Taking a bath. I hate showers. To sit and soak in a hot tub with bubbles everywhere...
[says 'amazing' in Russian]
Ryan: I bet you even had a rubber ducky, huh Nikolai?
Nikolai: Rubber ducky?
Ryan: Yeah.
Nikolai: What is rubber ducky?
Augustus: A product of capitalist imperialism.

Augustus: Ultimately, I guess it don't matter what they write in your obituary, cause you ain't gonna be around to read it. Newsprint fades, paper turn to pulp. The mark you leave behind has to be deeper. The mark you leave behind, has to be on another person's soul.

Augustus: A man stands in a cemetery, reading a letter he wrote forgiving his long dead father. The mother of a girl killed by a drunk driver is racked with fantasies of retaliation. Your boyfriend begs you for one more chance. You say to your mirror you're done hating yourself. But you know you're not. Maybe instead of forgive and forget, it should be forgive and remember. Remember that you might have to wake up tomorrow and forgive all over again. And again, and again, the way your heart keeps beating like a drum. Forgive. I can't. You can. Forgive. Forgive. I can't. You can. Forgive.

[first lines]
Augustus: "Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds." So says the United States Postal Service in their sunshine motto adapted from the ancient Greek historian Herodytus. Now back then, "swift" coulda meant a year and a day. Now? Ten am the next morning anywhere, from here to Kukabamba. People all over the globe every afternoon stand at their mailboxes, wondering what might be inside. You never know what to expect. And in Oz, most times, the best part is the expectation.

Augustus: The worst stab wound is the one to the heart. Sure, most people survive it, but the heart is never quite the same. There's always a scar, which I guess, is meant to remind you that even for a little while, someone made your heart beat faster. And that's a scar you can live with, proudly. All the days of your life.