The Best Carl Reiner Quotes

Carl: Another question. Favorite medication?
Elka: Oh, that's a tough one. Oh, all things considered, I think I'm going to have to say Celebrex.
Carl: Celebrex, nice. I'm an Allopurinol man, myself.
Elka: Ooo, gout. Somebody likes to party.

Carl: [referring to Bonnie Anderson's hat shop game] When's the last time we ever got to play that?

Carl: [Carl kisses Elka] I've been wanting to do that all night. Now I can get back to my rigatoni.

Max: Elka, I can't be alone in Florida; the women are all over me. I'm like a Cheeto in a flock of seagulls.

Johnson: And do you, Liza, take Richard to be your wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, always?
Liza: Duh! That's why I'm here. Hello?

[last lines]
Melanie: So, Elka, when are you going to make it official?
Elka: Oh, that's over. We started having problems.
Melanie: What happened?
Elka: Well, we got along fine but... he wouldn't go downtown. If you know what I mean.
[the three girls are stunned]
Elka: What! I mean there are so many good restaurants and, and shops downtown.
[the three laugh, relieved]
Elka: I can't give that up!
Victoria: Why should you?
Elka: [going to answer the door] What did you think I was talking about?
Joy: So you meant shops.
Melanie: Nothing, nothing at all.
Carl: Hi.
Elka: M-Max.
Elka: Listen, Elka, I don't want to lose you, so if you're still up for it, I'm willing to try going downtown.
Elka: You are?
Carl: Yes. Just hope I don't get lost down there.
Elka: Oh, you won't. I have no trouble telling you where to go.
Carl: It's just that it's so dark and scary there.
Melanie: Happy birthday.
Joy: Happy birthday.
Victoria: Happy birthday.

Carl: Let me show you a clip from my latest film where my faulty depth perception kept me from yelling "cut" at the right time.
[on a movie set, just as a car plummets off a cliff, Reiner yells]
Carl: Cut!
[but it's too late, and the car explodes at the bottom of the cliff; back to the press conference]
Carl: If I had yelled "cut" on time, those actors would be alive today.