The Best How I Met Your Mother, Season 1, Episode 14 Quotes

Robin: You know, Barney, I had a surprisingly good time bro-ing out tonight.
Barney: Well, you make a good bro. You're a better Ted than Ted. Hey, in fact, you have just earned yourself an invite to Marshall's bachelor party. And you don't even have to come out of the cake.

Victoria: I think this may be a perfect moment. I wish we could hold onto it forever.
Ted: No. Because the beauty of a moment is that it's fleeting. By its very nature, it... slips through our fingers... making it that much more precious.
Lily: [In the bathroom, Lily and Marshall are eavesdropping...] Ugh, that is bad. That is, like, high-school-literary-magazine bad.
Marshall: And they're not even high.

Barney: [At the bar] Hundred dollars says when you turn around, I say "wow."
Robin: Barney, this is the third time you've hit on me by accident.
Barney: It's one of the many risks of the blind approach. It's usually a two-man operation where Ted signals that the target is hot. But Ted's too busy being in a lesbian relationship.

[Lily and Marshal are stuck in the bathroom and Lily has to pee]
Marshall: How much longer do you think you can hold it?
Lily: I drank a big gulp of Mountain Dew during that Quantum Leap marathon.
Marshall: Oh boy.

Marshall: [after Lily peed in front of him for the first time] And you know what, I actually feel closer to you now.
[Begins mimicking Ted]
Marshall: I want to know you. Like, know your soul.
Lily: [Continuing] Marshall, what makes you cry?
Marshall: This moment is fleeting because it's being chased by another moment.
Lily: Oh, just grab my boob already.

- I counted nine, maybe ten.
- I'll lay down some cover fire, you make a run for it.
- No. Leave no man behind.
- Either we all get out of here or no one does.
- But I...
- Don't be a hero, Scherbotsky.
- See you on the other side.

- Yeah, but we could still have some more romance.
- Now, you just say,
- "Want to do it?"
- And I say, "Yeah."
- Want to...
- No!
- Maybe we're just out of firsts.

Barney: Slut would have been better, but I'll settle for bro. Especially now that Ted's with Victoria and can't drink. Because he's pregnant. Cause he's the girl.
Robin: Oh, come on, Ted can't be pregnant. You need to have sex to get pregnant.
Barney: What up! Freeze frame high five!

Robin: [Congratulating Marshall and Lily on their anniversary] Nine years? Your relationship is a fourth grader.

- Really?
- 'Cause he's totally vibing me right now.
- Must be the jeans.
- Well, jeans will only get you so far.
- I'm going home with him.
- We'll see about that.

Robin: [Barney undresses in front of her] What the hell are you doing?
Barney: I'm birthday-suiting-up!

Barney: [to Robin] You suited-up!

Marshall: It's not fair to compare us to Ted and Victoria. This is their first time.
Lily: Yeah, but we could still have some more romance. Now, you just say, "Wanna do it?" And I say, "Yeah."
Marshall: Wanna do...
Lily: [Reprimanding] No!

- a little catch and release.
- But why?
- Leave no man behind.
- Either we all score or no one scores.
- Right on.
- Hey, you want to go play Battleship?
- Hit!

Barney: Ted, the only reason to wait a month for sex is if the girl is seventeen years, eleven months old.

- Wow.
- This is huge.
- Barney, I don't like Ted.
- He's moved on, and I'm really happy for...
- Yeah, yeah.
- Look, are we gonna play
- Battleship or what?

Marshall: [Listening in on Ted and Victoria] God, close the deal, already. It's been, like, 45 minutes... we could have had sex three times by now.
Lily: Yeah, try five.
Marshall: What up!
[They high five]

Marshall: [When Ted and Victoria are in the apartment, think Lily and Marshall are away] All we have to do is hide out in here until Ted moves his mojo into the bedroom.
Lily: But I don't want to hide out in here.
Marshall: Honey, Ted has been going out of his mind waiting for this. If we go out there and spoil the mood, it's not going to happen. Then one of us is going to have to have sex with Ted, and... not going to be me.

Robin: [Playing laser tag] I'll lay down some cover fire, you make a run for it.
Barney: Leave no man behind. Either we all get out of here, or no-one does.
Robin: But I...
Barney: Don't be a hero Scherbatsky.
Robin: See you on the other side.

Robin: You and me? That's insane. If you even thought about it for one second...
Barney: But I have thought about it-for three seconds-and it makes a lot of sense. We both think the marriage/commitment thing's a drag. We both want something casual and fun. And we clearly get along really well.
Robin: Wow, that actually did make a lot of sense.

- all tired and cranky.
- And yet we'd feel obligated to have sex.
- Yeah, for 89 bucks a night, we're doing it.
- I would like to propose a toast.
- To the most awesomely mellow anniversary ever.
- Ah...

Robin: I hope you're ready for some hardcore battleship.
Barney: Hardcore - that's the only way I play.

Robin: [after Barney discovers that Robin likes Ted] You're not gonna tell him, are you?
Barney: No. That's the bro code. A bro doesn't tell a mutual bro that a third bro has a crush on him. Just like the third bro doesn't tell the mutual bro that the original bro went bare pickle in front of her. It's quid pro bro.