The Best How I Met Your Mother, Season 4, Episode 1 Quotes

Lily: Barney, how can you be in love and still be sleeping with everything that moves?
Barney: I'm sorry I don't follow you.That's like saying 'how can an ant lift fifty times its body weight, but root beer floats are still delicious?'. Are the two even related?

- You know, Robin, there's actually something
- I do want to talk to you about.
- Last call. Of course it is.
- One more for the road?
- Yeah, why not?
- Hold that thought?
- I will.

Marshall: You hated it, didn't you?
Stella: Uh, it was so stupid! Like, first of all, how do they understand that walking bear they hang around with all the time?
Marshall: Wookie.
Stella: Yeah. He goes...
[makes a few weird sounds]
Stella: ... and they're all like: "Good point, bear. Let's try that."
Marshall: Okay, he's a wookie, and his kind is actually more intelligent that they appear. Look, Stella, that is Ted's favorite movie of all time. He watches it when he's home sick with the flu. He watches it on rainy Sunday afternoons in the fall. He... he watches it on Christmas Eve! Ted watches Star Wars in sickness and in health, in good times and bad. Do you really think you can pretend to like a movie that you actually hate for the rest of your life?
Stella: [pauses] I do.
Marshall: Well, then Ted's a lucky guy.
[Stella smiles and walks out of the room. Marshall waits a couple of seconds]
Marshall: Bear...

Lily: Barney, you're going to have to stop screwing around if you want to be Robin's boyfriend.
Barney: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Boyfriend? I don't want to be Robin's "boyfriend".
Lily: Well... what do you want then?
Barney: I don't know. I just wanna be with her all the time. I wanna hear about her day, tell her about mine. I wanna hold her hand and smell her hair. But I don't want to be her stupid boyfriend.

Ted: Okay, so I don't know every single detail about Stella. What's this really about? Do you not like her or something?
Marshall: Oh, Ted, I like Stella a lot. She's a Mets fan and everything.
Ted: Really?

- already asked me.
- What's up, turd?
- It's Ted!
- Older Ted: But if you're lucky, she may answer with the single greatest word in the English language.
- Yes.

Barney: It's like a disease. I slept with Robin one time and I caught feelings, I caught feelings bad. I used protection and everything!

Marshall: She's never seen Star Wars? Ted the only people in the universe who have never seen Star Wars are the characters in Star Wars and that's cause they lived them Ted, that's cause they lived the Star Wars.
Ted: You've gotta calm down.
Marshall: I told you. I told you that you don't know this girl well enough. What if you show it to her and she doesn't like it?
Ted: Dude, it's just a movie.
Marshall: Ted, Star Wars is your all time favorite movie, and whether or not Stella actually likes it is really important. Its like a test of how compatible you guys are.
Ted: Marshall, its just a movie.
Marshall: Ha.
Ted: Its just a movie.
Ted: Ok, if Stella doesn't like this movie, I can't marry her.
Marshall: No, you can't.
Ted: Wanna watch it again?
Marshall: Yes I do.

Barney: Bimbos make me happy. Bimbos make me feel alive. Bimbos make me want to pretend to be a better man. This whole thing with Robin was just a fling, but at the end of the day, my heart belongs to bimbos.

Lily: Ask her something!
Barney: [On the phone to Robin] How are you feeling today?
Robin: Fine.
Lily: Something personal!
Barney: At what age did you first get your period?

Barney: On a booty call you barely even have to talk. At 9:00PM you say, "Hey, babe, it's Barney. Are you busy tonight?""Sweet, see you in a half an hour, can't wait." But the later it gets, the fewer words you need. "Barney! Busy? Sweet." And by 3:00 in the morning
[Barney texts "?" random girl answers "!"]
Lily: A question mark? You got laid off a question mark?
Barney: [Giggles until Lily hits him] OW! It's not worse than your super-obvious codewords.
Lily: [Cut to example] Rhinoceros!
Marshall: We have to go!

Narrator: Kids, here's something I wish my dad had told me. The longest pause you will ever experience in your life is the one that follows asking the question...
Ted: [to Stella] Will you marry me?
Narrator: Your brain goes into overdrive, imagining every possible response.
[Flashbacks to every possible response]
Stella: No.
Stella: [Next response] Oh, god no!
Stella: [Next response]
[Stella bursts into laughter]
Stella: You want me to marry... No.
Stella: [Next response] Awww I'm sorry Ted, I can't. Mark Johnson, the quarterback from the high school football team, already asked me.
Mark: What's up, turd?
Ted: It's TED!
Narrator: [Back to present time] But if you're lucky, she might answer with the single greatest word in the English language...
Stella: Yes.

Barney: [after leaving Robin a weird sound on her voicemail] She wasn't there. I left a voicemail.
Lily: You left a voice, but it wasn't male.