The Best How I Met Your Mother, Season 5, Episode 24 Quotes

Barney: Kids? No! Don't have kids! The rule is no kids until you're at least 45. Don't you EVER read my blog? It's gotten a lot better!

- I forgot. I'm blond.
- I have blond hair.
- You're blond.
- OLDER TED: And that's the story of how dyeing my hair blond kept us from doing something we both would have regretted that night.
- Kids, the universe is funny.

- Excuse me.
- I heard you're from Estonia. So am I.
- Excuse me one moment.
- Estonia would close out the Baltics!
- And I am street performer, like you.

Marshall: Ted, I love you buddy, but there is no way you can pull off blonde.
Lily: Seriously, Ted, don't do it
Ted: I'm going blonde!
Marshall: That is NOT the outcome we were hoping for.

- And this is the sound of me filing my corporate guidelines on sexual harassment.
- What is up?
- Gotta go, Big Chief.
- Barney's at work.
- That was the fifth doppelganger.
- Marshall Eriksen, put a baby in my belly.

Ted: Look we've all been searching for the five doppelgangers, right? But eventually, over time, we all become our own doppelgangers, you know, these completely different people who just happen to look like us.

- Maybe it wouldn't be the worst thing if a baby joined our little group.
- Babies can be cute.
- Mmm.
- And someday, he's gonna make the best uncle in the world.
- Because this Barney, he's family to us.

Narrator: Kids, up to this point in the story we had found doppelgangers - eerie but awesome lookalikes for four of the five of our little group. There was lesbian Robin. Mustache Marshall. Stripper Lily. And Mexican wrestler me. Yes, mine was the coolest. So we were all eager to find the fifth doppelganger, Barney's. Turns out it was more important to some of us than others.

- Look, we've all been searching for the five doppelgangers, right?
- Mmm-hmm.
- But eventually, over time, we all become our own doppelgangers.
- You know, these completely different people who just happen to look like us.
- Five Years Ago Robin?
- That girl, she was pretty great.
- But Doppelganger Robin?
- She's amazing.

Don: [to Robin] Before I met you I'd given up on everything. Relationships. Career. Pants.

Don: [Robin is stunned that Don accepted a lead anchor job in Chicago - which she turned down earlier] Put yourself in my shoes. Can you imagine what it's like to have the phone ring and it's your dream job on the other end?
Robin: [Teary-eyed] Yes... I can. Good luck in Chicago, Don.
[leaves Don's apartment]

Ted: Let's just say there were some senior citizens who attempted to "drown" on my watch... and sadly one who did.

- and you thought it was a petite, potbellied
- Asian man.
- I know. Weird, right?
- It's not weird.
- It means you're not ready.
- And I'm sorry that I tried to rush things.
- Our baby can wait for the real Doppelganger Barney.

Marshall: But you were the fifth doppelganger! How can you be... you? I called you, we had a whole conversation, Barney, what happened?
Barney: Ah, yes. I know what happened. People at work have this very strange expectation that I, well, work. I know, I know. So to make my colleagues think I'm busting my hump while I'm really out humping busty chicks, I decided to record a special recording.
Marshall: How can it be a recording, you called me Big Chief, my special workplace nickname?
Barney: Oh, buddy.

Barney: [Marshall and Lily imagine what if they told the gang about their plans for a baby]
[Barney opens their door]
Barney: You guys bangin'?
Lily: Whaaaaaa!
Barney: Just for the record, having a baby? Huge mistake. Now show me what you've got.
Ted: [Enters with balloons] Uncle Teddy's here.
[Marshall and Lily scream]
Ted: Quick question. How are you guys going to handle the whole Santa thing? I'm thinking just be honest. Aw, Hell. I'll dress up.
Robin: [TV turns on, showing Robin. Marshall and Lily scream again] This just in... is what Marshall Eriksen is about to say to his wife as he attempts to impregnate her. Chopper 12 is live on the scene with Baby Watch 2010.
[Gang sees live footage of helicopter just outside the room's window]

Barney: No! Time out! This is a group decision! You can't just move to Chicago unless we all say it's okay!
Ted: Barney, I think this has to be Robin's...
Barney: Stay out of this Brigitte Nielsen or Dolph Lundgren from Rocky IV!