The Best It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 5, Episode 1 Quotes

The: This family behind me has 90 days to vacate. Until then, you can't touch them.
[Frank starts yelling]
Charlie: Let me handle this, Frank. It's not bullbird. He's making a few good points.
[turns to lawyer]
Charlie: Look, buddy. I know a lot about the law and various other lawyerings. I'm well educated. Well versed. I know that situations like this- real estate wise- they're very complex.
The: Actually, they're pretty simple. The forms are all standard boiler plate.
Charlie: Okay. Well, we're all hungry. We're gonna get to our hotplates soon enough, alright? Let's talk about the contract here.
The: I'm sorry, I forgot. Where did you go to law school again?
Charlie: I could ask you the very same question...
The: [interrupting] I went to Harvard.
Charlie: [incoherent mumbling]
The: What?
Charlie: I'm pleading the 5th, sir.
The: I wouldn't advise you do that.
Charlie: And I'll take that advise under cooperation, alright? Now, let's say you and I go toe-to-toe on bird law and see who comes out the victor?
The: You know, I don't think I'm going to do anything close to that and I can clearly see you know nothing about the law. Seems like you have a tenuous grasp on the English language in general.
Charlie: [more mumbling] ... Filibuster...
The: Do you know what that word means?
Charlie: [after a long, stammering pause, Charlie screams and crashes through what's left of the door]

Mac: Your mom and dad aren't at work. That's probably why they lost the house. They're probably at the track getting wasted.

Charlie: I knew that guy was full of shit! I knew it!
Dennis: What guy?
Charlie: That lawyer guy, okay? He totally besmirched me today, and I demand satisfaction from him.
Mac: You want him to bang you?
Charlie: Uh. No, Mac. Be serious, okay? He slandered me in front of a jury of my own peers, all right? Look what they used to do when that sort of thing happened.
[shows the gang a history book]
Charlie: Take a look at this picture. What do you see?
Mac: I see two trannies shooting at each other.
Charlie: No, dude. They're dueling, okay? These are lawyers settling an argument by dueling it out.
Dennis: Now, how do you know that the two trannies are lawyers?
Charlie: [slams book] 'Cause it's an old book, okay? I don't have to explain everything to you about what I know! I'm trying to... get satisfied... from this dude... and you're trying to... I'm getting satisfied. I don't care.

Dennis: [pretending he and Mac are a gay couple] I'm the breadwinner in the relationship.
Mac: And I'm the trophy husband. He's my bottom.
Dennis: Oh! Well, I'm the power bottom. Technically, I generate most of the power.
Mac: Only because I'm giving out so much power from the top.

Dennis: I'm Hugh Honey and this is my partner, Vic Vinegar. We're partners in real estate and we're partners in life.

Mac: We're the wealthy homosexual couple that she promised her womb too.

Kate: Do you have any history with drugs or alcohol?
Dee: Never. Neither.
Sean: Um, any family history of mental illness?
Dee: Uh, well my brother's a dick if that counts.

Dee: Hey, you guys. Watch me bust out this sweet jackknife.
[body slams into pool with a loud smack]
Sean: Oh! Whoa! Are you okay!
Dee: [spitting out water and gasping for breath] Oh, I biffed that one, huh?
Sean: You "biffed" it?
Dee: Whoo! Thank God there wasn't a baby in there, huh?

Dennis: Look, okay. Absolutely, we could cave the husband's skull in here. Yes, we could take the wife down to the basement, have a frenzied free-for-all with her. We could tie the little kids up in their little rooms upstairs so they wouldn't hear any of it.
Mac: Dennis, in that scenario, we'd have to kill the kids 'cause they've would've seen our faces.
Dennis: Right, we could smear the walls with their blood. Guys, there are any number of twisted scenarios that could play out here. But I think the easiest thing, really, is to just go get the deed.
Charlie: Right. Why get weird?

Frank: Well, look, bitch. We brought it from them because they foreclosed on your bitch ass!

Dee: So let's talk turkey and by that I mean money.
Sean: Oh, we just thought we'd pay the standard rate of $20,000.
Dee: 20,000. Okay, I like the sound of that. I'm gonna throw something at you guys so brace yourselves. What are your thoughts on doubling down so to speak and going for twins?
Sean: Aha...
Kate: No.
Sean: No...
Dee: Well, if it's a matter of price, I'm willing to cut you a deal on the second one. And we don't have to stop at two. I've typed up a price sheet I'd like the two of you to peruse. If you look down around number four or five, that's when you really start to see some savings. You guys wanna go for an octomom thing? Huh? I'm game. You wanna have ten? You wanna outdo that bitch? Ha, I'll have that conversation! I'm kidding, I don't want ten people inside of me.