The Best Lucifer, Season 2, Episode 17 Quotes

Amenadiel: I think you might be in danger.
Lucifer: Well, is it the Yakuza? The Nephilim? One Million Moms?

Ella: The home screen is... two eyes?
Charlotte: Human female breasts.
Lucifer: No. That is a woman's perfectly freckled rump.
Chloe: So our lead on the killer is a pair of butt-boob-eyes.

Mazikeen: You don't care about anyone other than yourself, unless they can be of use to you. Sound familiar?
Lucifer: [his eyes turn red] Tread very carefully, Maze.
Mazikeen: You're just like your parents.
[They start fighting]

- Linda.
- I'll take care of this.
- I promise.

Nigel: You slept with your therapist?
Lucifer: What? O-only in the beginning. Then she decided that I shouldn't pay for therapy with sex. So, such strong morals, don't you think?

Charlotte: I'm the best.
Chloe: At getting criminals off.
Charlotte: Well, that's not true. I haven't slept with any of my clients.

Bianca: I can't even count the times that Chet has come close to destroying everything I've built.
Charlotte: Children always find new ways to test us.
Lucifer: [Listening from the police van] She's talking about Amenadiel.
Charlotte: Put us through Hell.
Lucifer: ...That one's me.

Charlotte: [as Chloe is searching for something on Charlotte] Oh, you're being incredibly thorough. I like it.

- Now.
- Mm. A knife.
- We already have...
- My life is ruined!
- I don't want to go to prison.
- This is all your fault!

- No offense.
- Yeah, none taken.
- Oh, man.
- They couldn't crack the passcode.
- But, uh, for what it's worth,
- I like you a hell of a lot more than I like your brother.

- Mom: Children always find new ways to test us.
- She's talking about amenadiel.
- Mom: Put us through... hell.
- That one's me.
Bianca: And yet we still protect them.
- Mom: Always.

Lucifer: I can't read it.
Charlotte: But you speak every language.
Lucifer: Speak, not read. I've always found tongues much more useful.

- You don't care about anyone other than yourself.
- Unless they can be of use to you.
- Sound familiar?
- Tread very carefully, maze.
- You're just like your parents.
- Aah!

- to get a hold of him forever.
- Can you watch the phone?
- Sure.
- Thanks.
- See? Light.
- Start talking.

- Is there a reason why you're in such a rush lately?
- I-I'm just anxious to see the rest of the family.
- Please start translating.
- There's something going on with her.
- Yeah. Or it's just that time of the millennium.
- What?

- then you'll find our piece of the flaming sword.
- Hey, but, mom...
- The challenge is making sure we catch the case before some other detective.
- But what about...
- I may be able to help.
- Really? I'm all ears.

Dan: You and Charlotte Richards... that is the most awkward team-up of the century.
Chloe: Actually, it wasn't as bad as I expected.

Charlotte: I heard... things.
[Lucifer imitates a cellphone behind Chloe's back]
Charlotte: On a... On - on the phone call.
Chloe: Like ?
Charlotte: [Lucifer imitates a gun with his hand] Fingers. Pointing?
Chloe: You *heard* fingers pointing?
Charlotte: [Lucifer seems angry] Very angrily. Yes. Also, a gunshot.
[Lucifer puts his hand on his chest and falls slowly]
Charlotte: Sounded like he was dying, or... melting?
[Lucifer looks at her, dumbfounded]
Charlotte: It's... hard to tell.

- She's clean.
- Well, I told you, detective, she's got nothing to hide.
- Man: The phone was still unlocked.
- We have everything.
- Seems like we do.
- Let's, uh...

- Wait. One more thing.
- Yeah.
- If you married her, you'd kind of be like Lucifer's dad.
- Oh, my god.
- Right?
- It's so, so messed up.
- N" n“

Linda: Well, my work here is done. Literally. So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to find a very stiff martini.

Lucifer: I'll show you out, if you insist.
Charlotte: I'm not going anywhere.

Linda: [about Maze, who is sitting next to Lucifer, on the verge of tears] She thought you abandoned her. That you didn't care how that affected her.
Lucifer: But those sort of things never bothered her be-
[He finally notices that Maze is crying]
Lucifer: ... Before.

Ella: [trying combinations to unlock a phone] Birthday reverse... nope. Double 69... Oddly relieved that's not it.

Charlotte: A book? That's what Zeke smuggled for me? Is this a joke?
Lucifer: Well, if it were, I would have chosen something funnier, like Douglas Adams or Freud.

- Hmm.
- Did you bring me what I asked for?
- Mm.
- As promised.
- Make sure it's real.
- That it wasn't cloned.

Lucifer: Stop hitting me.
Mazikeen: Then explain.
Lucifer: Well, I'd like to, but you have a tendency to get emotional about things.
[She punches him in the face again]
Lucifer: Aah! Case in point.

Charlotte: Children always find new ways to test us.

Chloe: I still don't understand why you're helping us. Bianca's your client.
Charlotte: I'm not the same woman I was when she hired me.
Chloe: Hmm. Did you have a change of heart?
Charlotte: No, the same heart. Completely different soul, though.

- I'll give it to you if you get my son's phone from the police.
- That's not possible.
- You'll find a way.
- Otherwise, I'll make sure that what you want...
- Disappears forever.

Lucifer: Hey, I should get my own desk.
Chloe: Not happening.

Chloe: Not all kids appreciate what their parents have given them.
Charlotte: Well, that I agree with.

- Because you needed me to be angry with you
- So you could sell your story.
- Exactly! [Laughs]
- So, all this...
- Was for nothing.
- Lucifer, that's even worse.

Mazikeen: [about Dr. Martin] How about proof of all the good she's done? Like this guy. Lucifer Morningstar.
Lucifer: Oh, that's quite flattering.
Mazikeen: ...The worst patient anyone could ask for. He is a back-stabbing, selfish, narcissistic little devil. He's greedy...
Nigel: Is there a point to this?
Lucifer: Yes, I'm wondering the same thing.

- I didn't realize...
- I should have realized.
- Well, my work here is done.
- Literally.
- So, if you'll excuse me,
- I'm going to find a very stiff Martini.

Amenadiel: [Talking about Charlotte] There's something going on with her.
Lucifer: Yeah. Or it's just that time of the millennium.

Chloe: I mean, the way she talked about your dad and- and what he put her through.
Lucifer: Mm-hmm. Betrayal, torture, Hell, et cetera. All true.
Chloe: Mm-hmm. I just cannot imagine raising kids with someone like that.
Lucifer: Sympathy for the goddess, detective?

Mazikeen: What the hell am I, Lucifer... A pawn in some plan of yours?
Lucifer: No, I wouldn't put it like that.
Mazikeen: Of course you wouldn't, because that would actually require you understanding how you affect people. How you hurt them.
[She hits him in the nuts]
Lucifer: Oh! Aah! You seem to be the one doing the hurting at the moment.

Ella: [in a muffled ventriloquist-like voice] What if Ella goes to the party? That sounds like a great idea.
[normal voice]
Ella: Oh, my God. Thank you so much for thinking of me. But you know what? I'm so busy.

Bianca: So glad you can make it. How are the children?
Charlotte: They're angels.

Chloe: There's Chet. I'll go talk to him.
Charlotte: You know, that's wise. You seem more his type than me, and you're not particularly intimidating, so that should help.
Chloe: Help what?
Charlotte: Well, in seducing him, of course
Chloe: I'm not gonna seduce him, Charlotte.
Charlotte: Not with that posture you're not. Fine. I'll do it.
Chloe: No. No. There's gonna be no seducing!