Top 50 Quotes From Lucifer, Season 5, Episode 4

Lilith: All this time you've spent on Earth... have you ever connected with a human?
Lucifer: I've connected with thousands of humans. Once, Caligula and I made a human train of 37...

- I wanna be evil
- Little evil me just as mean and evil asl can be
- Meow.

Lucifer: That was a clucking waste of time.

- Sticking noses where they don't belong.
- If you could refrain...
- Oh, I would deeply appreciate it.
- Because next time...
- I won't be so nice.
- That means you're gonna die.

Lilith: So I hitch a ride through the Americas with this explorer, Hernán Cortés, obsessed with gold, rains bloodshed and terror wherever he goes. A real wet blanket.

Lucifer: Aren't you lucky to benefit from the experience your wife has gained with dozens, maybe hundreds of men? Firemen, barbers, sailors, carnival barkers...
Jack: Yeah, I get it.

- Does she?
- All right, well...
- Once upon a time...
- The devil went to New York City.
- The year...
- Was 1946.

- Handsome, beefy, strong jaw.
- Eyepatch?
- That's the guy! [Bangs table]
- Listen.
- I don't want any trouble, but if you meet me out back in five,
- I might be able to get you the skinny.
- All right.

- If it's all right with you, I...
- Maybe I could come with you.
- It's a long ride to des moines, Jack.
- Good.
- Give us a chance to talk.
- Come here.

Trixie: Parents, they're a mystery.
Lucifer: Well, I'll give you that.

- Gertie, you could've died.
Jack: Let me help you.
- We all die, lin.
- And that's okay.
- The truth is, I'd rather die today trying to save the man I love...
- Than live forever without him.

- Gertie was right.
- It's knowing there's an end...
- That's what makes the rest of it count.
- That's what connects them to one another.
- What makes them brave even when they have no reason to be.
- I think I've been immortal long enough.

Melvin the Magnificent: Melvin the Magnificent, at your service! Board-certified priest, oracle, shaman, and justice of the peace.

Lucifer: Forget it, Trix. It's Chinatown.
Trixie: It's what?
Lucifer: Never mind.

William: Who the hell are you?
Jack: Jack Monroe, PI.
Lucifer: Lucifer Morningstar, Devil.

Lily: What do you want from me?
Mazikeen: I wanted to come and see you... . I wanted to know why you abandoned us. Why you abandoned me.
Lily: I did it to make you strong, and it worked. Just look at you. I can see you don't need anyone.
Mazikeen: Yeah... . Look at me.

Lucifer: Since it very well be my last night on Earth, let's go to the bar.
Trixie: My parents wouldn't like that.
Lucifer: Wouldn't they? Sounds like grown-up problems to me.

- They're hieroglyphics.
- I believe it's the eye of horus, a sacred symbol in ancient Egyptian culture.
- Sacred eye?
- I've heard that before.
- I think I know where to find our graffiti artist.

- there's a somebody I'm longing to see
- I hope that he turns out to be
[both] Someone who'll watch over me
- I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood
- I know I could always be good to one who'll watch over me

- Thanks, Lucifer. This was fun.
- Oh, don't exaggerate.
- You got the story?
- I taught you well, kid.
- Once upon a time, the devil went to New York City.
- The year was 1946...

Jack: So when you find out the best thing that ever happened to you started with a lie, well, it's like building a house on quicksand. Sooner or later it all falls apart.
Lucifer: Sorry. Got lost in a daydream, on account of your problem being so extraordinarily boring.

Trixie: This dagger. Has it ever killed anyone?
Lucifer: Not yet, no.
Trixie: [Holds up handcuffs] Do these work?
Lucifer: Uh... that depends on who you're asking.

Lucifer: Not accurate, historically speaking, but quite bloody. My old friend Tutankhamen would've loved it.

Paddy: Warmed them up for you, Mr. Stompanato.
Tommy: Thanks, boys.
Trixie: [Interrupts the story] Wait, hold it!
Lucifer: Oh, for crying out loud.
Trixie: I thought you said Mr. Stompanato. "Mr." is a man.
Lucifer: Did you or did you not request a gender-balanced narrative? I'm simply following your instructions.

Lucifer: Well... I never thought I'd say this, but... enjoy the rest of your life.

- Your ring is black.
- Do you want to hear the story or not?
- Because I'd be perfectly happy at the bar.
- Okay, okay. Please, continue.
- Oh, thank you.
- And why would I stick my nose in?

Lucifer: Quite a unique fellow, aren't you?
William: Mm.
Lucifer: There's a word to describe you, but I can't quite put my finger on it. It's like a shower, but French. Oh, I'm sure it'll come to me.

Lucifer: It was a wonderful time.
- Men wore hats.
- Hemlines were on the rise...
- And so was crime.
- Rationing was over, the boys were home from the war, and the air was full of big band music and possibility.
- An old friend had reached out, asking me to meet her for a drink at the garden club.

- So? What did you wanna tell me?
Jack: Oh!
- -Owl -[Lucifer] you again.
- Oh, dear. Are you certain you don't want me to get involved?
- It feels a little unsporting just standing here.
- I take it back.

Jack: You get a description?
Gertie: Sure, sure. Handsome. Kind of beefy. Short-haired, strong jaw. Usually wears a plain blue suit. Oh! And an eye patch.
Lucifer: Well, you might have led with that.

Trixie: What happened to Jack and Shirley? Did they live happily ever after?
Lucifer: Well, they moved to Des Moines, so... probably not.

Lucifer: Once upon a time, the Devil went to New York City.

Lucifer: Once you do this, there's no going back. Are you sure?
Lilith: Just one thing.
Lilith: And it never ends with you, does it? Although I suppose it will now.

Jack: Can any of your "parishioners" account for your whereabouts from noon to six today?
Melvin the Magnificent: Well, sure, I was here. I did four tarot card readings... uh, an exorcism... and a bar mitzvah.

Lilith: [singing] I'm tired of being pure/ And not Chased/ Like something that seeks its level/ I wanna go to the Devil...
Lucifer: That's me.

Shirley: Jack!
- Thank god, you're okay.
- There's a man in Lily's dressing room.
- I made sure he saw me put the bracelet in the safe, just like you said.
- Go, before he gets away!
- You're an angel, shirl.
- Go!
- Okay.

- That certainly explains why he never gave Lily's ring back.
- Looks like Mr. Stompanato's bark was worse than his bite.

- Well... I never thought I'd say this, but, enjoy the rest of your life.
- Right back at ya.
- So hold me and smile, dear put your lips to mine forget the past for this is ours

Melvin the Magnificent: For just twelve dollars, our deluxe ceremony of Anubis includes this ceremonial mask, two acolytes, and a drum made from the skin of a Vestal Virgin, a gilded sacrificial dagger, and one live... chicken!
Lucifer: It never ends well for the chicken.
Melvin the Magnificent: Or you might prefer our economy package. Only six dollars! And the chicken heart comes pre-sacrificed for your convenience.

- So, what happened to Jack and Shirley?
- Did they live happily ever after?
- Well, they moved to des moines, probably not.
- My mom says dealing with your problems is the only way to get past them.
- I bet Jack and Shirley talked the whole bus ride and fixed everything.
- Yes. Yes, perhaps they did.
[Inhales deeply] Right.
- Story time's over.

Lucifer: I don't believe I've seen you since...
Lilith: Marie Antoinette's coming-out party.
Lucifer: And come out she did. Shame what happened to her.

Lucifer: The Devil solving crime. It's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

- he was the best in the business.
Trixie: Hang on.
- Why does the investigator have to be a boy?
- My mom solves crimes all the time.
- Fine.
- As I was saying...

- understood what it meant until just now.
[Chuckles] Oh!
- Sorry about that, folks.
- Had this old thing for forever, and it always gets in the way.
- How about a little costume change before we get started.
- Be a doll and put this in my safe, will you?

Lilith: My children are perfect. They can't be banished, because they have no home. Can't be abandoned, because they have no family.
Lucifer: They'll never be cast out of the proverbial garden.
Lilith: You can never tell them what I've done today, Lucifer. Not if they are going to be unbreakable.

- Right through that door.
- And if you haven't mail-ordered your robes yet, there's a few extra hanging on the coat rack.
[Both] Hmm.
- Lovely.
- Thank you.

Lucifer: Well, I don't know why they called him Lucky Larry. This apartment is literally the most depressing hovel I've ever seen, and I've seen Kafka's Hell loop.

Jack: [Tommy Stomponato is found dead] They took his heart. What do you think they did with it?
Lucifer: Well, he didn't seem the type to wear it on his sleeve.

- I made them with cream...
- Just like you like.
- What happened with your eye?
- Nothing.
- Jack, I know you're still sore with me, but you can't just...
- Excuse me. I lost my appetite.
- God forbid a man gets a moment's peace around here.

Lucifer: Well, in my experience, problems are like Bible salesmen or genital warts. If you pretend they're not there, sooner or later they disappear.