50 Best Valerie Bertinelli Quotes

Melanie: How do I look?
Elka: You're giving off a Joy vibe.
Melanie: Oh no, I don't want to look that slutty.

[last lines]
Melanie: Guess who gave George Clooney a bath!
[enters carrying the dog]
Joy: Oh, I'm so glad we picked a good name for him. Now we can all honestly say we've slept with George Clooney.
Melanie: Just remember he's a dog, not a person; we don't want to become those wacky, middle-aged women whose lives revolve around their pets.
Elka: Then I guess you don't want to see him in this.
[holds up a doggie chef outfit]
Victoria: Dear God, that's cute.
Joy: It's adorable. Put it on him now.
Melanie: No, seriously, put it on him.
[hands George Clooney to Elka]
Melanie: now.

Melanie: I thought you guys were supposed to be getting along.
Joy: We tried all morning not to snipe at each other, and knowing we can't snipe at each other only made us snipe at each other more.
Melanie: Well, you can't run away from the problem.
Joy: The problem is 92 years old; I think I can.

Elka: Don't you think you're abusing Victoria just a little?
Melanie: Don't you see how pleasant she's being?
Elka: It wasn't a criticism.

Melanie: Oh my God, Alex Trebek!
Narrator: That's right, but on weekends I'm Park Ranger Alex Trebek, and I'm here to save you. I read your smoke signals telling me that there were women here in...
[to camera]
Narrator: Jeopardy.

Pete: Last night in the tornado, I heard you tell "I love you". but when I started to yell it back, some leaves flew in my mouth and it ruined the moment. So mayble you don't want to hear it right now, but I love you too.
Melanie: Oh Pete, I love you too.
[Pete and Melanie kiss]
Elka: What's the screw doing here?

Victoria: [comforting Melanie after telling her her date is married] Honey, what can we do?
Joy: Let's kill him!
Melanie: That's your solution to everything.
Joy: Well, could we just try it once?

[last lines]
Joy: So, are you OK, Mel?
Melanie: Yeah. Yeah, I'm good. I'm good and you guys have a very early flight tomorrow, so please, just go to Paris and have a wonderful time.
Joy: I don't know. Somehow I can't seem to get excited about Paris any more. No Melanie.
Victoria: You know, Joy... instead of two weeks in Paris, we could spend two weeks in Cleveland; I mean, the Paris of Ohio.
Elka: No, that's Toledo.
Joy: So what should we do now?
Melanie: I say we go to that bar where the men think we're hot.
Elka: I'll drive!

[last lines]
Ye'arj: Well, thank you for your hospitality. Oh, here.
[places parcel on table]
Ye'arj: Take this one.
Melanie: Oh, but, it's addressed to the Thompsons.
Ye'arj: Ah, you know how sometimes you forget to tip the mailman, and you think it doesn't matter?
Melanie: Yeah...
Ye'arj: It always matters.

Melanie: Maybe it is to soon for me to start dating.
Joy: That's ridiculous. You like him and he likes you; you're already ahead of most of my relationships.

Elka: [eulogy at funeral] Victoria Chase may have been vain, bubble-headed, and crazy...
Melanie: But?
Melanie: There's no but.

Jenna: How's the baby? Did you come up with a name yet?
Melanie: Too Tired.
Jenna: That's all right; you've got time.
Melanie: No, that's her name: Too Tired. When the nurse asked me what to put down all I could say was 'too tired' and I just didn't have the energy to correct her.
Jenna: My friend's mum had a late baby too. Her name is Why God Why.

Melanie: All these toys were over at Elka's place.
Elka: Well, I did a lot of baby-sitting when I was young.
Joy: Was it hard pushing a stroller around before the invention of the wheel?

Melanie: [at the airport] Anders, Joy and Victoria told me everything. But, before you get on that airplane, I really need to tell you how I feel. You are the biggest
[metal detector beeps]
Melanie: . You
[metal detector beeps]
Melanie: cheated on me while we were married and then you used me to cheat on your
[metal detector beeps]
Melanie: fiancee because you don't know what
[wand beeps]
Melanie: you want. You are a selfish
[wand beeps]
Melanie: who doesn't think about anybody else but himself, so you know what? You can just go
[wand beeps]
Melanie: yourself!
Eleanor: Really saw that going another way.
Melanie: [stumbles walking away] Ooh, puppy-tails!

[last lines]
Victoria: The hero kidney donor would like some breakfast.
Melanie: Elka.
Victoria: I would like my initials in my cappuccino foam. And not the two letters you put in there yesterday.
Joy: I say we poison her.
Elka: She's only got the one kidney. It wouldn't take much.

Melanie: What *is* all this stuff? I feel like I'm in 'The Goonies'.
Victoria: Wow! Is this stuff real?
Joy: Is that a tiara? Who *are* you?
Elka: I'm Anastasia, the last surviving member of the Romanov dynasty.
Melanie: You are?
Elka: No, but I've always wanted to say that.
Victoria: Is all of this yours?
Elka: No, it's stolen.
Joy: Oh my!
Melanie: What?
Elka: [picks up a knife] And now I'm going to have to *kill* you!
[grins]
Elka: I've always wanted to say that, too.

Victoria: I just need time to think. Oh, if only there were a hideout I could go to where the police couldn't find me.
Melanie: If only someone among us had a criminal past.
Victoria: And was once married to the mob.
Joy: And is right here. And old enough to remember where she was when Caesar was assassinated.

[first lines]
Perky: We have on the line with us Victoria from Cleveland. Tell us, Victoria, why are you so excited about these amazing Space Bags?
Victoria: Well, the love of my life was recently thrown into prison, and it turns out that jail cells have no closet space at all. I'll take five hundred.
Melanie: Victoria!
[grabs the phone]
Melanie: Miss Chase will not be purchasing Space Bags at this time. Thank you.
Victoria: Why are you shop-blocking me?
Elka: [Elks enters carrying a shotgun] I heard noises.
Joy: Is that thing loaded?
Elka: One of us is.
Melanie: Well, we're having an intervention for Victoria.
Elka: Because of her drinking?
Melanie: No.
Joy: She's grief-shopping,

Melanie: [stumbles on the stairs] Oh, sugar-foot. I always trip on that gosh-darn step.
Victoria: Oh, it's like a Mamet play in here.

Melanie: Hey, guys, guess what? It's our birthday in two weeks!
Joy: You're kidding.
Elka: You all have birthdays on the same day?
Victoria: No no no, but we decided that, seeing as birthdays are so generally unpleasant...
Melanie: Depressing, scary...
Joy: Drunk and hazy...
Victoria: We decided that we'd just celebrate ours all together on a neutral day. And that way, we don't have to acknowledge the day that we actually get older.
Joy: It works great; I really don't know how old I am.

Melanie: [about her ex] I haven't even gone on a date yet and he's taking his fiancee to Paris. And she's so *young*. She's half my age.
Victoria: Mel, darling, that really isn't that young.
Melanie: My *fake* age!
Victoria: Oh my God, she's a child!
Joy: I say we kill him and make his underage whore watch.

[first lines]
Victoria: Well, thank God Wilbur's present arrived from France in time for his birthday. What did you always dream of having when you were a little girl growing up in Poland?
Elka: Food.
Victoria: But a close second must have been... an eighteenth century beaux arts marionette theater.
Joy: Oh no, the instructions are in French.
Elka: What's French for 'puppets are creepy'?
[Victoria has picked up a puppet]
Elka: It looks just like you.
Joy: There is a resemblance.
Victoria: What? This freakish creature looks nothing like me.
Melanie: [Melanie enters] Hey, where'd you get the Victoria puppet?

[last lines]
Melanie: Are you really thinking of finding your son?
Joy: Maybe. It's all just a... a lot.
Melanie: I can't imagine.
Joy: Yes, you can. You're a mother.
Victoria: Hey. So are you.
Joy: Thanks. Ah, it's just so weird to think of him out there, a grown man. He could be married, have kids of his own. I might even have... grandkids.
Elka: Hey, maybe one of 'em's old enough for you to date.
[the others just look at her]
Elka: Too soon?

Melanie: I wish there was some way we could call for help.
Elka: Oh, um, there's a fireplace. I learned to make smoke signals when I was a child.
Joy: Oh, did you learn that on your playdates with Sitting Bull?
Elka: What was your Indian name? Sleeps With Everyone?

[last lines]
Pete: What the hell is all this stuff?
Melanie: Wait, wha', you were going to say something.
Elka: You had to date a cop, didn't you?

[first lines]
Melanie: Hey!
Elka: Oh, how was the farmers' market?
Melanie: Weird.
Joy: In L.A. a farmers' market means sushi, pâté and chilladas.
Victoria: This is just a bunch of stuff... grown by farmers.

[first lines]
Melanie: You guys, the strangest thing just happened to me; I had a conversation... with a neighbor.
Joy: Wow! I never even saw my neighbors in L.A. Except during earthquakes.
Victoria: Yeah, sometimes we'd pull into our driveways at the same time and, as our electronic gates were opening, I'd think: "I don't even know their names, and they don't know mine." And the world was good.
Melanie: Well, *that* was the L.A. us; here in Cleveland we're going to get to know our neighbors. In fact, I'm throwing a party. Tomorrow. Look at me being all spontaneous.

Melanie: Talk to him. People say that communication is the key to any relationship.
Victoria: People don't say that; women say that. Lonely women whose boyfriends have left them because they always want to talk about the relationship.

Melanie: Maybe this is just what I need to get over Alec.
Elka: You know the old saying.
Melanie: When God closes a door, he opens a window?
Elka: No. The best way to get over a man is to get under another one.

Melanie: Your bail is very high.
Victoria: Did you have to insult the judge like that?
Elka: He called me elderly.
Joy: Well, you are elderly.
Elka: And he was really fat.

Elka: It's all your stupid cop boyfriend's fault.
Melanie: I know, and Pete's being punished. I am not talking to him.
Elka: That's not how you punish a man. You talk more!

Melanie: What are you even doing here?
Bob: Well, I got Joy's sexy text.
Joy: My text said I needed a few days off.
Bob: The text I got said you wanted me to get you off for a few days!
Joy: Ohhh! Stupid auto-correct.

[last lines]
Victoria: Look at this turnout. You know, Elka's only a few signatures away from getting on the ballot. And her dog park twitter account is trending.
Elka: [laughing] At Elka stop less parks.
Melanie: [looks at @elkastoplessparks banner] You know, when you look at that, it looks like Elka's topless parks.
Elka: [innocently] Does it?
Bob: Well, Joy, I've got a plane to catch.
Joy: Bob's selling the agency and moving back to Canada.
Bob: I made the new owner promise to keep Joy on. He seems like a good guy.
Joy: Good guy, huh?
Bob: Yup. I guess when you look like him, you kind of have to be.
[shows joy a picture of a handsome man]
Joy: I can work with that.
Bob: That's the spirit, Joy. Looks aren't everything.

[last lines]
Melanie: What's wrong, sweetie?
Victoria: Apparently, years ago, when I didn't think I had a chance in hell of getting nominated for an Academy Award, I signed a rather unusual contract with the Mrs. Ladypants people. I have to wear... a Mrs. Ladypants... absorbent gown to the Oscars. Now with crystal litter-box technology.
Elka: You're gonna wear diapers to the Oscars?
Victoria: It's not diapers. It's an absorbent gown!
Mitch: Well, look at the bright side: you won't need a seat filler if you have to go to the bathroom during the ceremonies.
Melanie: [laughing] You're very funny.
Victoria: So what am I going to do?
Melanie: You're going to celebrate. We're all going to celebrate. Honey, you could win an Oscar. And, Elka, you could win election.
Victoria: You know what? Melanie is right.
Mitch: She's beautiful too. Somebody else talk.
Victoria: Yeah, I will. So here's to everyone getting exactly what they want.

Melanie: What if he's missing me too and Los Angeles was filled with so many sad memories he's flying to Paris to fill a void in his life? What if this is *our* meet on top of the Empire State Building moment?
Joy: Have you been watching Sleepless in Seattle again?
Melanie: No! Yes. But I got it down to once a month.
Victoria: You know, I was up for a part in that movie.
Joy: Course you were.

[last lines]
Melanie: So, Elka, when are you going to make it official?
Elka: Oh, that's over. We started having problems.
Melanie: What happened?
Elka: Well, we got along fine but... he wouldn't go downtown. If you know what I mean.
[the three girls are stunned]
Elka: What! I mean there are so many good restaurants and, and shops downtown.
[the three laugh, relieved]
Elka: I can't give that up!
Victoria: Why should you?
Elka: [going to answer the door] What did you think I was talking about?
Joy: So you meant shops.
Melanie: Nothing, nothing at all.
Carl: Hi.
Elka: M-Max.
Elka: Listen, Elka, I don't want to lose you, so if you're still up for it, I'm willing to try going downtown.
Elka: You are?
Carl: Yes. Just hope I don't get lost down there.
Elka: Oh, you won't. I have no trouble telling you where to go.
Carl: It's just that it's so dark and scary there.
Melanie: Happy birthday.
Joy: Happy birthday.
Victoria: Happy birthday.

[last lines]
Joy: I need to stop being so desperate. If Simon gets in contact, good. But if he doesn't, it's cool.
[her phone chimes]
Joy: I'm not going to define myself by whether or not some man-
[screams as she looks at phone]
Joy: It's a text from Simon; he's coming next week and he can't wait to see me! What am I going to wear? What if my face breaks out? What if he meets a more beautiful woman than me on the plane? I'll kill her, that's what I'll do! And I'll do it slowly.
Elka: I know who else liked to do it slowly. Old Red-eyes.
Melanie: Sinatra was Old Blue-eyes.
Elka: When I snuck into his room, he was pretty drunk.

[first lines]
Mike: That was great.
Melanie: Mm-hm.
Mike: You are amazing!
Melanie: Thank you, you're not so bad yourself.
Mike: So, do you want to spoon?
Melanie: Yeah.
[Mike rolls away from Melanie]

Melanie: Remember that cute doctor I met when the bar got held up, and he needed me to take of my Spanx so he could use it as a tourniquet and I thought, at the time, that's the most embarrassing way possible to meet a guy? Well, same guy, more embarrassing way!

[last lines]
Joy: Wilbur, Nana's home. Were you a good boy for Elka and Mamie-Sue?
Mamie: Oh, yes; we read Baby Shakespeare, listened to Baby Beethoven. I think both of them did better work as adults.
Joy: Wilbur, darling, say 'Nana'. Na-na.
Baby: Nana.
Joy: Did you hear that? Wilbur just said his first word. And it was Nana.
Mamie: Well, actually his first word wa...
Elka: Zip it.
Victoria: I'm on a film mission. Now, have him do a second take.
Joy: Wilbur, say it again. Say 'Nana'.
Baby: TV.
Melanie: Did he just say 'TV'?
Elka: I heard 'Nana'.
Baby: TV.
Elka: That's from Baby Shakespeare. TV or not TV.
Joy: Owen and I made it very clear: no TV, no processed sugar, watch your language.
Baby: Crap!
Elka: That is us watching our language.
Joy: That's it; you two are off the baby-sitting list. You are never watching Wilbur again.
Baby: Bitch!
Elka: I got nothing.

Joy: *He* wants to be the little spoon?
Melanie: Yes. Which makes me the big spoon!
Victoria: That's crazy!
Melanie: I know!
Elka: No woman should be the jet pack.
Victoria: Well, was the sex worth it?
Melanie: He did a couple of things; two that were good, one not so good. It's rare to find a man that's good at that, let's face it.

Joy: Thanks, Melanie. You're good at this. Bye.
Melanie: You know, I *am* good at this. I mean, when I'm just being myself. See, I was told I needed to be more folksy, more Honey Boo-Boo. But people like those shows because they're being themselves. So for the rest of Askageddon, I'm just going to be me, and I hope you like it.
[the board guy taps on the window and points to his watch]
Melanie: And that concludes Askageddon. I'll see you tomorrow, folks... I hope.

[first lines]
Joy: Hey, everybody. Our group birthday is coming up, and I know *exactly* who I want to be fixed up with. I met a man this year who touched me deeply.
Elka: That could be half of Cleveland.
Joy: It's our poetry professor, Robin York. He's so spiritual and sensitive.
Melanie: Well, I want that guy that we met at the PetSmart Charities adoption thing; his name is Rex. Or maybe his dog's name is Rex.
Victoria: Well, now that I'm engaged, of course I don't need an actual date, which is a good thing, considering the freaks you guys have set me up with. Manboobs, conjoined twins, human tail!
Joy: Oh, come on, that last guy was perfect except for the tail.
Victoria: Did you hear what you just said? No no, this time I just want a business date; I really want a part in the next Wes O'Rourke movie.
Joy: The indie film director? He went to school with my film professor; I can make that happen.
Victoria: Excellent.
Mamie: [knocks and enters] Knock, knock. Look what I brought.
Joy: Oooh, breakfast wine.
Mamie: It's GLOB wine, which stands for Gorgeous Ladies of Bowling... wine.
Melanie: Gorgeous Ladies of Bowling?
Mamie: That was our team. Nineteen sixty-two and sixty-three city champions.
Elka: We bought this wine and said we'd drink it together in fifty years.
Mamie: Only we lost track of the others.
Elka: That's what I want for my birthday: reunite the old gang.
Melanie: Well, I can do that. Who are they?
Mamie: [showing a GLOB poster] There's Elka and me. All we need to find is Diane, Angie and Peg.

Jack: I'm sorry ma'am.
Melanie: And don't call a woman "ma'am". We hate it. Call us "Miss" until the day we die.

Joy: [looking at a man with a dog] You know, I rather like a vet's office. I rather like it a lot.
Melanie: Ah, Joy, please don't.
Mamie: What's she doing?
Melanie: Something happens to Joy when she sees a man bringing a pet to a doctor; it's her love kryptonite.
Joy: It shows they're sensitive, committed, responsible, yet somehow still men.

Victoria: You fake porned him?
Melanie: I fake porned him.
Joy: Why?
Melanie: I-I panicked. Emmet said men like enthusiasm, so I went a little overboard. I mean, I was like someone reviewing their own business on Yelp.
Victoria: You set the sex bar way too high.
Melanie: I know! And now he's going to expect fake porn Melanie every time; I'm going to be so busy putting on a show that I won't be able to relax and enjoy it.
Joy: And you can't go back; it's like tipping. Once you go thirty percent you can't go back to twenty. You have to fake your own death and find a new manicurist.

[first lines]
Elka: Look at our baby; he's so depressed.
Melanie: Maybe we should just take him back to the vet.
Joy: No, the vet said he was fine physically.
Elka: Well, maybe he's just sad because Joy looks like a bone he can't chew on.
Victoria: Or maybe because for every one of our years he ages seven. That would depress the hell out of me.

Melanie: She gave me a tapeworm! I thought you said you'd been taking that supplement for years.
Susan: I have. Look at me. At this point, I'm more worm than woman.

[first lines]
Joy: [plumping a cushion] Simon is going to be here any minute, and these pillows are flat!
Elka: Well, if he's turned off by flat things...
Melanie: [warningly] Elka, not today. She's very nervous. Joy, honey, you have got to calm down.
Joy: I can't. I'm nervous enough that Simon's coming to see me, but he's also meeting his son and his grandson for the first time. I know it's silly of me to hope, but what if it all works out? We could be a real family. Maybe even a perfect family.
Melanie: Well, no family is perfect.
Joy: We'll be. Caroling on Christmas Eve in our matching sweaters. People will look at us and say, "Why can't we be happy like them?" And we'll smile as the spirit of Christmas is replaced by envy in their hearts.
Elka: And I thought Melanie was the one with the brain tumor.

Victoria: A Japanese company wants me to do a commercial. Ah, years of honing my craft, and finally my dream is coming true.
Melanie: Your dream is to do a Japanese commercial?
Victoria: No. To sell out for an obscene amount of money.