150 Best Carmela Soprano Quotes

Carmela: [about A.J] Oh, I didn't tell you. He spent $200 on a set of CDs that teach Arabic.
Tony: Jesus Christ, c'mon! Shish-kabob. What else do ya need to know?

Furio: [while entering the kitchen] what's the smell is in this house? It's like the smell of heaven
Carmela: Homemade scones, my son loves them. Here try one, they're just out of the oven
Furio: No, thank you
A.J. Soprano: Well, that's all there is for breakfast? Just fat and carbs?
Carmela: Excuse me, we have guest you think you might say hello?
A.J. Soprano: [ignores her, continues to read from his paper about the novel Billy Budd by Herman Melville to his mother] anyway, "when Mr. Claggart gets mad at Billy, it is a surprise because his always saying how handsome Billy is, this does not seem realistic because why would an officer care if a sailor was handsome or not?"
Carmela: [after Tony walks downs the stars and takes a bite from a scone] AJ, your father's living I'll come up in a minute, go over it
Carmela: [Reads from the envelop Tony hands her] what is this? Ocean Club at Paradise Island
Tony: We leave tomorrow for three beautiful days
Carmela: Tomorrow?
Tony: I know its short notice but the deal came through, got a view suite, first class plane tickets, a guy owes me a favor
Tony: [Seeing her worried] what?
Carmela: I don't know, AJ? School?
Tony: His old enough to spoil himself now. I saw how jealous you were when I left for Florida
Carmela: [Giving him reasons why it's not a practical time for them to go on a vacation] my mother with the skin condition, just the time it's going to take to pack
Tony: To pack?
Furio: [Sensing they want to talk privately] I'll wait outside
Tony: All the shit's that's been going on, the horse and all. I know you need a break: deep down it's probably why you got your hair cut

Tony: The story you heard, with the pool?
Carmela: Oh my God, please
Janice: What?
Carmela: No, you don't wanna know: Pradeep, our pharmacist was at a pool party. All the kids were playing in the water adults were all around having drinks, barbequing. Somehow, even with all of these people around, this three-year-old child managed to fall into the pool. Nobody even noticed until they finally found him floating face down in the water
Tony: Brain dead
Carmela: Poor kid's in one of those padded wheelchair now
Tony: I can't get that story out of my mind. I don't know why.

Tony: [while having Chinese food for dinner after the FBI searched their home earlier in the day] I know the Feds are doing their job but it pisses me off the way they act
Carmela: that one guy Harris wasn't so bad
Tony: trust me, he was the biggest snake out of all of them: it's all part of his little act and that guy who broke the bowl, he did it on purpose
Carmela: Oh, I don't think so, he was just a klutz
Tony: What was his last name, Grizzo, Grasso, what?
Carmela: [reminding him] Grasso
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Why?
Tony: Why? Because he has a vowel at the end of his last name, Grasso, that's why. I mean what's he think? His gonna make it to the top by arresting his own people?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: [to his mother] Pass the Moo shu
Tony: he'll see, he'll learn
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: We have a vowel
Tony: [attempting not to curse at the dinner table] F-in right and you be proud of it. Jesus Christ, you think there never was a Michelangelo, the way they treat people
Carmela: [to AJ] Did you know an Italian invented the telephone?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Alexander Graham Bell was Italian?
Tony: [to Carmela] you, see? see what I'm takin about?
Tony: [raises his voice to AJ, irritated] Antonio Meucci invented it and he got robbed: everybody knows that!
Meadow: Who invented the mafia?
Tony: [caught off guard by her question] What?
Meadow: The Cosa Nostra, who invented that?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Who cares?
Meadow: Wasn't it Salvatore Lucania, better known as Charles Lucky Luciano, who organized the Five Families: Lucchese, Gambino, Bonanno, Profaci
Tony: [becoming irritated] is there something you wanna say to me?
Meadow: I just like history like you, dad
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Can you just shut the fuck up about it?
Carmela: [chastising him for cursing] Hey!
Tony: [chastising him for cursing] Hey!
Carmela: AJ, did you know John Cabot was Italian?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: No
Meadow: [to her mother, referring to AJ] Like he knows who that is?
Carmela: Famous discoverer of Canada
Tony: The Bank of America, ever heard of it? One of the biggest banks in the world, started by an Italian
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: The first American Saint was Italian, Mother Cabrini
Carmela: That's right
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Is it true that the Chinese invented spaghetti?
Tony: Now think about it, why would people who eat with sticks invent something you need a fork to eat with? And here's something else I bet you didn't know: more Italians fought for this country in World War Two than any other ethnic group, and they wouldn't tell you about Sacco and Vanzetti either
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: The two anti-Christ that got the electric chair in Massachusetts?
Meadow: [correcting him] Anarchists
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: [to his mother] Isn't anti-Christ?
Carmela: They were two innocent men who got the chair because they were Italian
Meadow: [to AJ] How could there be two anti-Christ? There was only one Christ

Sushi: [while in a Japanese restaurant, gesturing to each piece of sushi after serving it to them] Spicy shrimp handroll: that's Nori's favorite. Special eel tail, and oysters, you tell me when you want to stop
Tony: keep it coming
Carmela: I don't know about you, but ever since we found this place, I catch myself fantasying about this
Tony: [jokingly] Me too, sometimes during sex
Carmela: So, I had a nightmare the other night, did I wake you up?
Tony: No
Carmela: [referring to Adriana La Cerva who supposedly ran away] Ade was in the house, my spec house
Tony: What, was she gonna buy it?
Carmela: We were just talking. Speaking of which, did you call that guy? The inspector at the building department?
Tony: I will, I promise
Carmela: His coming on Friday, it could the last chance I get a reversal on the stop work order
Tony: Alright, I'll call
Carmela: I wonder where she is?
Carmela: [when he doesn't respond] Ade
Tony: I told you: she probably met some guy
Carmela: Not call anyone for over a year?
Tony: [when eating a piece] What's this? There's sauce on the shrimp
Carmela: [after the waitress serves them another platter of sushi] So, I was over by Ginny's, that situation is not going so well, Johnny couped up, awaiting trial. Plus, now their fighting asset seizure, they could lose everything, the house, the condo by the shore
Tony: You know Jimmy Petrille? The rat that gave up John? He was like an uncle to him, why do you think I toss at night? It ain't just the apnea
Carmela: I noticed you haven't been taking your antidepressants
Tony: [jokingly] And yet the bonefish are back in season: we should count our blessings, the kind of season I just had
Carmela: Your right, we're very lucky
Tony: forty dollars for a piece of fish they flew in first class. I think we're more than lucky?

Carmela: [to Janice] how was the guest bed? Did you sleep alright?
Janice: [Nods] great, usually I bring my own pillow: ergonomic, I got ripped off at the bus stop in Rapid City
Tony: [after coming down from upstairs] what? Those pillows aren't good enough for pillows aren't to sleep on anymore?
Tony: [Before they hug each other] come here
Janice: Oh, look who decided to join us? My little brother
Tony: How you doing Jan...?
A.J. Soprano: [Reminding Tony Janice's surname] Parvati
Tony: [Pats him on the side of the head] I'm her brother, I get a pass
Tony: You look good, you look like... a teenager
Janice: [to everybody] my therapist says I'm "regressing"
Tony: Oh, your therapist? Who pays for that?
Janice: The State of Washington: total disability
Tony: Oh yeah, the Epstein-Barr
Janice: [Correcting him of the previous illness she had] "was", chronic Carpal Tunnel from my last job: the steamed milk machine
Janice: [Walking over to Tony at the kitchen bar counter] hey, I stayed up waiting for you, when did you get in?
Tony: Late, you know?
Tony: [Irritated] what the fuck is that smell?
Janice: Miso soup, its seaweed
A.J. Soprano: [to Tony, referring to Janice] she's been telling us all about Seattle
Tony: If I see those grunge pants on you, you'll be looking on the ground looking up
Meadow: [Jokingly] dad, how do you stay so hip?
Janice: [to AJ and Meadow] I'll be back in a sec, don't let your father near my soup: he makes fun of it but he'll eat anything before noon, that's not locked away
Carmela: You don't see your sister for years and right away, you're already starting on her diet?
Tony: Hey, believe me, she gets as good as she gets

Angie: Jesus Christ!
[bursts into tears]
Rosalie: Angie. My God! I'm sure he's adjusted to it.
Angie: Christ, Rosalie! You fucking idiot. I'm not happy Sal is back.
Carmela: [surprised] Angie.
Angie: I'm sad, and depressed. I've thought of killing myself.
Rosalie: [to the ladies eavesdropping at the next table] Fuckin' nosy? Eat your manicott!

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I work hard all day to pay for this six thousand-square foot house, big-screen TVs, food on the table, video games, all kinds of scooters and bicycles, Columbia University, and for what? To come home to this?
A.J. Soprano: Sucks to be you.
[slaps AJ]
Carmela: [gasps] My God, Tony!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: There's more where that came from! We're starting a new regime around here!

Carmela: [Referring to Tony had to suddenly leave to go to his mother's house the night before] you've been gone all night: half the morning. What the hell happened over there?
Tony: [after sitting down next to her on their couch in the living room] Janice decided to go back to Seattle
Carmela: Your kidding What about Richie? He must be devastated
Tony: Richie's "gone."
Carmela: What'd you mean "gone"?
Tony: [Implying Richie's been killed] "gone"
Carmela: Where?
Tony: Carmella after eighteen years of marriage, don't make me make you an accessory "after the fact."
Carmela: [Eventually realizes what his implying] an accessory "after the..."holy shit
Tony: Stop asking
Carmela: Oh my God
Tony: I took care of it
Carmela: That was not a marriage "made in heaven"

Carmela: Your father and I have discussed your punishment
Tony: Your grounded for a month. That means no Nintendo, no DVD's, no skate boards
Carmela: And no computer
A.J. Soprano: I use the computer for school
Carmela: Get the typewriter out of the basement
A.J. Soprano: Dad threw it out
Carmela: Then use a pen. It worked for Einstein, it can work for you
Tony: On top of that you're going to work your little ass off around here which you should have been doing anyway
A.J. Soprano: OK
Tony: OK or not, you got no choice. Number one you go to the garage and clean it out, make it neat and organized
Carmela: Jackie Jr. did that the other day
Tony: [to Carmela] See what I'm saying about him?
Tony: [to AJ] You know you ought to take a few lessons from Jackie Aprile. Get your act together, the kid's pre-med at Rutgers and finds time to come down here and help out
Carmela: And your going to clean the gutters
A.J. Soprano: What gutters?
Tony: On the roof
A.J. Soprano: Where?
Tony: On the edge, the things that collect the water?
A.J. Soprano: I don't know what you mean
Tony: [Assuming AJ is playing dumb to get out of the punishment] Don't get smart with me
A.J. Soprano: I don't know

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: To what do I owe this pleasure?
Carmela: I don't know if you'll see it that way I asked you to lunch to tell you I'm filing for divorce
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: That's nice, you invite me to a public place so you can ambush me? So you think I won't make a scene?
Carmela: Spare me your outrage accept the fact that I'm moving on with my life
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Moving on? That's what you were doing after the party last week?
Carmela: You and I both know that didn't change anything
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: First of all we're Italian, we don't believe in divorce, we believe in the nuclear family
Carmela: Despite your best efforts I have attorney who is going to aggressively pursue my custody of AJ and an equitable distribution of our assets
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Our assets?
Carmela: I am through in trying to get you to provide beyond the minimum for me to live
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So it's all fucking money? That's all this is to you?
Carmela: After all we've been through is it so hard to own up to that bullshit tax return?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You want money? What about the forty grand you stole from the bird feeder? You're such an investment genius
Carmela: You want this to get ugly? Because these guys live for that
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: And you think I don't? The only reason you have anything is because of my fucking sweat you knew every step of the way where the money comes from, you walk around in that mansion in your five hundred dollar shoes and diamond rings and you act like butter wouldn't melt in your mouth, you don't want it to get ugly? Too late
Carmela: I want what I'm entitled to

Carmela: [referring to Meadow's punishment, while lying in bed] There has to be consequences. What kind of parents would we be if we let her get away with this?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Typical?

Rosalie: [while in the hospital cafeteria] I'll be glad to sit with Tony
Carmela: Hospital rules: it's only family for now but thank you. Angie phoned, I guess she's very busy over there with her body shop?
Rosalie: [after AJ walks up to their table, jokingly, implying AJ resembles the Italian-American fashion model] Oh, look who's here, Fabio, I'm available
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: [to his mother] So, what, now there's actual roaster of who and when stays with dad and I'm not on it?
Carmela: Frankly, I don't think you'd be interested
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: I was sick and I've been trying to study, which is what everyone is usually hassling me about twenty-four, seven. I guess there always has to be something right?
Carmela: Come here and sit down, ok?
Carmela: [when AJ ignores his mother and walks away] Studying? He goes clubbing in New York
Rosalie: You cut him too much slack: you still protect him
Carmela: I know he avoids Tony because he can't face seeing him like that, it frightens him
Rosalie: [adamantly] It frightens everybody, he should get a pass? Kids his age are getting blown up in Iraq
Carmela: you know what's interesting? Janice noticed when AJ talks about Tony possibly not coming out of this, he can't even use the word Dad, he says Anthony Soprano is not going to die.
Rosalie: [sarcastically] Well, that's a fascinating psychological nugget but it don't change the fact if that kid don't pull his end in this, his never gonna forgive himself and nobody else should either
Carmela: It's just that Tony has always loomed so large for AJ
Rosalie: Well, maybe AJ is just a selfish kid that don't give a shit?
Carmela: I'm sorry your son is no longer with us but don't use mine as a guinea pig for your ideas on parenting. I never saw you take a hard line
Rosalie: Why do you think I'm talking to you like this?
Carmela: The thing is Tony has an open incision. If you are there when they change the dressing, it's very hard to take, I don't know if AJ should see that?

Meadow: [sitting at the kitchen counter next to Finn] There's these poor hard-working people
Carmela: Finn, you're not eating?
Finn: coffee's good
Meadow: I meant it, the government's completely fucking this family over
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [while walking into the kitchen] when did it start that she can use that kind of language in this house with immunity?
Meadow: I'm telling mom about these people who came into the office yesterday
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [jokingly] let me guess: was it a crack whore trying to get her kids back for the welfare money?
Meadow: actually, it was a family from Afghanistan who fled the Taliban and sweat it out in a refugee camp and hold down three jobs
Meadow: [to her father when he air plays a violin pretending to show sympathy, causing AJ to laugh] you think it's funny? The FBI snatched their son off the street like we're some third world dictatorship
Finn: It's pretty scary
Carmela: There must've been some reason Meadow
A.J. Soprano: Like he's a terrorist maybe?
Meadow: [irritated, adamantly] 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, Bush is using it as an excuse to erode our Constitution protections and you're falling for it
Carmela: I voted for him
Meadow: Right, you don't relate to black people clinging to locks
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [as Meadow walks away] you ought to chill out on some of this

Carmela: [while arguing on whether to send AJ to military school] to train him to be a professional killer?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh, will you stop? Their soldiers and the United States army hardly goes to war anymore
Carmela: They were marching with rifles Tony
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: They're symbolic
Carmela: Symbolic of what?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [shouts] respect!
Carmela: He will be subjected to the discipline of kids hardly older than himself, does that seem smart? Boys his age kill frogs and small animals
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Referring to their neighbor's pet] the Cusamano's Binky? The cherry bomb with the nails, you think that was AJ?
Carmela: No, that is what I'm trying to tell you. He is still a child, his a normal child, his made some mistakes, and God knows his got a shit load to learn about life. But that does not mean I'm going to let you send him to the type of school whose whole reason for being is to make him follow orders by instilling fear
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: He thinks the world owes him a fuckin living
Carmela: [Sarcastically] what could given him that bizarre idea?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: We tried it your way for fifteen years now, validating his feelings and that fuckin school did the same thing: and what a surprise, he thinks the world runs on his feelings. Well, his going to learn how to be a man
Carmela: I will not send him to that place
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Grabbing the pillows from her implying his going to sleep on the couch for the night] oh, fuck that allow me

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Carmela, who the fuck did you think I was when you married me, huh? You knew my father, you grew up around Dicky Moltisanti and your uncle Eddie. Where do you get off acting so surprised and miffed when there are women on the side? You knew the deal.
Carmela: Deal?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: And your mother can talk about what she wants about whats his name and his chain of drug stores. You and I both know that the other boyfriend you were debating marrying was Gerry Tuffie and his father's snow plow buisness. And we now know that that wouldn't of suited you at all.
Carmela: You really don't hear me, do you? You think for me it's all about things.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No I forced all this shit on you. What you really crave is a Hyundai and a simple gold heart on a chain.
Carmela: You are so fucking hateful.

Tony: [to Carmela, referring to AJ] I laid it out for him: if he wants to move back here, it's gotta be with your full approval
Carmela: [to AJ] this was your idea?
A.J. Soprano: it was mutual
Tony: His upset because he don't get the kind of cereal he likes
A.J. Soprano: He threw it in the sink, how am I supposed to focus at school with no breakfast? I got dizzy
Carmela: I'm sorry, I don't see why the two of you can't work this out between yourselves
A.J. Soprano: Maybe I don't want to live in a place where people use violence against children?
Tony: Violence? You're lucky I didn't put my shoe up your ass
A.J. Soprano: [to his mother] You, see? That's abuse, I know what my rights are, I can call Social Services and they'll send a case worker
Tony: go ahead, you'll get the other shoe! This is demoralizing
Carmela: [to Tony] Now you see...
Tony: [interrupts her] That a son of mine would even consider calling in the authorities
Tony: [irritated, to AJ] Go ahead, live with your mother
Meadow: [walking past them, jokingly] Family meeting? Try and stay awake AJ
Tony: Keep walking
A.J. Soprano: [to his mother] I just want my old room back
Carmela: You wanted to live with your father: live with your decision
A.J. Soprano: I don't like it there
Carmela: That's funny, I thought I was the problem? I make you miserable, remember?
A.J. Soprano: I never said that
Carmela: You did
Tony: absolutely
Carmela: [after thinking it over] For me to even consider having you back, we're going to establish some non-negotiable ground rules
A.J. Soprano: What kind?
Tony: Let your mother talk
Carmela: First and foremost, school comes first: that means putting the brakes on your social life. Parties, phone calls, Devin, you are at a crisis point grade-wise. So, you will make sure your schoolwork is done on time and correctly
A.J. Soprano: Alright
Carmela: I will not tolerate cursing
A.J. Soprano: after sixteen years of potty mouth from you people, I get slammed?
Carmela: This is my house: you will treat me with respect
A.J. Soprano: Is that it?
Carmela: I want you to involve me in your life a little
A.J. Soprano: [after thinking it over] Fine
Tony: Alright, go get your stuff in the car

Carmela: did you go see Dr. Klober?
Meadow: [while lying in bed] yeah
Carmela: well, what did you talk about?
Meadow: she says I don't have to tell you or dad: it's "confidential"
Carmela: this is what we pay two hundred dollars for
Meadow: it was your idea, I only saw her out of a gesture of "good will"
Meadow: [after Carmela calls Tony into Meadow's room] look, I don't know what you're so upset about: it's my right to go to Europe, that's what she said
Carmela: I don't care what she said: it's totally irresponsible
Tony: [after entering Meadow's room] what?
Carmela: the therapist told her it is her "right" to go to Europe
Tony: whoa, whoa, she actually thinks this a good idea?
Meadow: she says it's no big deal, I can pick up my education wherever, whenever
Carmela: oh, really?
Meadow: Wendy said she can get me into a school in Barcelona if I decided to stay
Tony: who's "Wendy"?
Meadow: Dr. Wendy Klober?
Carmela: Barcelona?
Tony: I could take Melfi's head and crush it like a fuckin walnut
Carmela: I feel "battered"
Meadow: [getting out of bed] I've got to get to the salon
Carmela: did you tell "Wendy" you didn't work all summer?
Meadow: [sarcastically] wait, your right, I forgot to mention the "pivotal role" of the work ethic in this family
Carmela: you can lose that "smart mouth" right now
Meadow: or what? What is this Afghanistan? I'm over eighteen now, I'm a grown woman I can go wherever I want and do what I want
Carmela: [raises her voice] alright, Jesus, God, we know that, is that your only point here? Because "just" getting what you want is for babies, not adults
Meadow: it may interest you to know she thinks I probably should be on Prozac
Carmela: [surprised] she does?
Tony: she said that?
Meadow: Jackie was murdered, I know you think it's noting that screwing my head off at the Columbia army game wouldn't cure
Carmela: that is so unfair
Tony: alright, look, I've been thinking about this: now you're a smart girl, the "right move" is for you to wait, just until next year maybe?
Meadow: you know what I don't understand, dad? You were all in favor of me going
Tony: your mother doesn't want it
Meadow: [sarcastically] wow, listen to "Mr. mob boss"
Tony: what'd you call me?
Meadow: all this fucking "pussy footing" around for years now? Why don't we just get it out there?

Carmela: [in their safe house, to Meadow as she leaves] See you Thursday
Meadow: [kisses and hugs Tony] Hi
Tony: [to Meadow] Where you going I just got here
Meadow: I'm really late meeting Patrick in the city,
Carmela: She smelled that odor too
Tony: your remodeling will fix all that
Carmela: Maybe it's toxic maybe we shouldn't be breathing it
Tony: It's not toxic, the odor is what? 90 years old? Its piss
Carmela: I've got to get home
Tony: I'm working on it
Carmela: I went to see Sil and Gab,oh my God
Tony: Yeah
Carmela: [Watching walk AJ walk Rhiannon to the door] Are you being careful? This kind of bothers me
Tony: What's she going to do? She should use the back door, wouldn't kick her out of bed for purging cookies
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Real funny, we're just friends
Tony: I know, nice work
Carmela: She's a model
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: She's doing some modeling, she's a junior in high school
Carmela: What?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: She's quitting modeling anyway she's tired of being exploited
Tony: Did you help your mother take the carpets outside? Put them in the sun?
Carmela: He did
Tony: Uncle Bobby's funeral is finally set, Thursday we're going to be there
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: How's that supposed to work? We're all in DEFCON 4, living in separate houses, we're going to stand out in the open at a cemetery?
Carmela: There's always a large FBI presence

Carmela: Now, you liked Jackie, so you don't want to believe that he did this to himself. So, like a lot of other people, you go around looking for bogeymen to blame - bogeymen with Italian names.

Carmela: [referring to AJ's depression caused by his fiancée breaking up with him] he's an emotional wreck!
Tony: [after letting AJ attend a party at a strip club] and seeing a pair of tits is going to send him over the edge?

Dr. Krakower: Have you ever read Crime and Punishment? Dostoyevksy?
[Carmela shakes her head 'no']
Dr. Krakower: It's not an easy read. It's about guilt and redemption. I think your husband ought to turn himself and read this book in his jail cell and meditate on his crimes every day for seven years, so that he might be redeemed.
Carmela: I would have to get a lawyer, find an apartment, arrange for child support...
Dr. Krakower: You, you're not listening. I'm not charging you because I won't take blood money, and you can't, either. One thing you can never say is that you haven't been told.
Carmela: I see.

Tony: Your amigos with the baggy pants, I hope you kept them away from the silver
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Oh, Jesus, their musicians aright? they saw the ad for the drums
Tony: You're selling your drums?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: I need cash, I don't play them anymore
Carmela: Those drums were a gift from your father
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Yeah, I don't wanna sell them, if you guys hadn't made me get such a crappy job, I wouldn't have to
Carmela: oh, so this is our fault?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: I'm wasting my time at Blockbuster
Tony: Then get off your ass and get another job
Carmela: What about community college? You said were gonna go back to school
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: [irritated, intentionally speaking slowly to belittle them] Ok, for the hundredth time, I can't register until second semester! I mean, Jesus Christ, I do what you guys want, don't I deserve some kind of life?

Carmela: [referring to the makeup on Christopher's face during his funeral] They did a beautiful job on him
Carmela: [after taking a deep breath] I'm gonna go up
Tony: I'll go up later
Carmela: How are you doing?
Tony: It's tough
Carmela: Yeah, he loved you so much
Tony: Yeah?
Carmela: You know he did

Tony: [while entering their apartment, jokingly] flower delivery
Meadow: hi, come on in, I'll be right there
Finn: [introducing himself] Mr. Soprano, Finn Detrolio
Tony: Finn, the dentist, right?
Finn: someday, I'm still waiting to hear from dental school
Tony: [jokingly, points to his teeth] remind me to talk to you about this loose filing later
Meadow: [while taking the flowers from her father] hi, these are beautiful
Tony: so, what smells so good in there?
Meadow: mom's recipe for Chicken Cacciatore
Tony: [to Carmela] see? I should've known
Carmela: [to Meadow] you always leave your door open like that?
Meadow: I'm cooking, it's hot
Finn: [puts his arm around Meadow] I'll protect her, don't worry
Tony: [jokingly] you hear that? Anybody bothers her, he'll knock their teeth out, then he can put them back in too
Meadow: [introducing them to her father] these are my roommates: Colin and Alex
Tony: [to Colin] so, you're a roommate too?
Colin: [while shaking Tony's hand] Colin McDermott, I've heard so much about you
Tony: [referring to Colin, to Finn] so, he lives here and you don't?
Finn: I have a place on 118th St.

Carmela: I swear to god, I'm gonna fucking kill you!
A.J. Soprano: What the fuck?
Carmela: You made the fool of yourself and our family on national fucking television!
A.J. Soprano: I didn't say that shit! They totally misquoted me!
Meadow: Holy shit.
Carmela: Well, of course they did. That's what they do! Which is why I and everybody else told you: don't talk to the press!
A.J. Soprano: You're the one who look like a total asshole, dragging me around like I was five years old!
Carmela: You're cross to bear, that's all you are, to your father, to me, to everybody!
A.J. Soprano: Fuck this! All right? Fuck it all!
[leaving his room]
Hugh: [to Carmela] Jesus, Mel! The hell's wrong with you?
Carmela: What's wrong with me? What's wrong with ME?
[she leaves]

Dr. Ba: [Referring to Tony] I got him back on the ventilator. The bullet didn't tear up the pancreas but it impacted the gall bladder. Sepsis is the big problem: an infection in the blood. I've got him sedated and restrained so he can't pull his breathing tubes out
Carmela: Then what?
Dr. Ba: As we discussed before we're probably not looking at a very good outcome here
Carmela: Should we call Dr. Plepler?
Dr. Ba: I'll let him know and Tashlin too, he'll stop by
Carmela: Does he know that his dying?
Dr. Ba: We don't know

Carmela: [over the phone] this is so terrible to do on such short notice but I just got off the phone with ma
Rosalie: what's the matter?
Carmela: it's my father: they had some troubling test results, something to do with his white blood cells
Rosalie: oh my God
Carmela: yeah, I know, their gonna have to do further testing to be sure of the diagnosis. Ma said they just want to have a quiet Thanksgiving, they said they would have it: just the two of them
Rosalie: they should be with their family
Carmela: I feel so awful giving you so little notice
Rosalie: don't be silly, I just wish there was something I could do
Carmela: thank you, that is so sweet and of course I'll let you know if I know anything more
Rosalie: ok, take care sweetheart, bye

Carmela: Just for the record, I would have gone on with your cheating, and your bullshit, if your attitude around here had been the least bit loving, concerned, interested.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Whose idea was Whitecaps?
Carmela: That's just a bigger version of an emerald ring. So you can go on with your other life.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You don't know me at all.
Carmela: I know you better than anybody, Tony, even your friends. Which is probably why you hate me?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Hate you? I don't hate you, but hey, I'm going to hell when I die. Nice thing to say to a guy headed into an MRI.

Carmela: [after hanging up the phone with AJ] Tony seemed to "hit the hooch" a little at lunch today, I think his feeling his age?
Janice: What'd you think it's like for me? When we were kids, he did whatever I said. My therapist, Sandy said our mom was a "splitter". She "pit" the three of us against each other, to toughen us up, I guess? I couldn't help overhearing you with AJ, God, you gotta "walk on eggshells" with these kids today, huh?
Carmela: We're "almost" through that "phase", thank God
Janice: Your good with them
Carmela: really? I wish he'd go back to college: sleeps most nights at Blanca's
Janice: Speaking of kids and ma, Sandy said something "interesting", that when we were babies, everything was "fine" but ma couldn't stand as babies get older, they "separated" from her. When they started to talk and express ideas, that's when the trouble started, it wasn't that she didn't love us

Carmela: [after Tony slapped AJ causing him to run upstairs] The school guidance counselor said this might be a cry for help
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh, come on will ya?
Carmela: She recommended a school in New Brunswick: Bernwod Dei, it's for troubled kids. There's a psychologist right on staff
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No, no more fuckin schools that coddle him. His going to military school
Carmela: What?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: That's right I got some brochures
Carmela: You got school brochures?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah from Janice. She was going to send Harpo there but she didn't have the money and it was too fuckin late
Carmela: I'm not sending him away
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: We're looking at those brochures!

Carmela: [after seeing her during the festival] Hi, I saw you were on the committee: That's so great
Liz: Carmela Soprano, how's your daughter?
Carmela: Fine
Liz: Well, mine is dead
Carmela: Oh my God, when? What happened?
Liz: [implying Christopher killed Adriana] When? That piece of shit, your nephew
Carmela: They broke up: she ran off
Liz: She hasn't called me for almost two years: my birthday? Christmas?
Carmela: You two always did have a very "difficult relationship"
Liz: The FBI came to my home, you'd be "amazed" at the questions they asked me
Carmela: Liz...
Liz: [interrupts her] They admit it, they "think" that he killed her
Carmela: Come on, your drunk
Liz: Drunk? It's called "depression." I haven't had a drink in years

Carmela: Tony, can you come down here please?
Tony: What? What's the matter?
Tony: [after seeing Ariana with a black eye] what happened?
Carmela: Your nephew
Tony: Christopher did this? He hit you? What for?
Carmela: What's the difference Tony?
Adriana: He was high
Tony: Little prick, I'm going to ring his fuckin neck. Where is he?
Carmela: His been using drugs: heroin
Adriana: His car was stolen by some Puerto Ricans, they stole his cell phone too. I don't know what to do. I already packed a suitcase for my aunt's in Daytona
Tony: Take it easy, don't do something your going to regret
Carmela: Three weeks before their wedding
Adriana: Maybe he needs to be in rehab?
Carmela: You can hire someone to do an intervention apparently
Tony: [Eventually implies since their a crime family they have to handle these issues by themselves] girls, come on we're a family here. I've got to spell it out for you? Take it easy let me figure out how to handle this
Adriana: Please don't hurt him

Carmela: [in the backyard of their home] Holsten's is the consensus
Tony: Alright I've got to see some people, I'll meet you there

Carmela: [pleasantly surprised to see her, while in the kitchen] What're you doing home? Don't you have class?
Meadow: It's Friday: only in the mornings
Carmela: You got a postcard from the dentist, it's time to schedule a cleaning
Meadow: God, I just went. It smells great, what is that?
Carmela: It's a Bundt cake for AJ's fundraiser
Meadow: Nice shoes, daddy home?
Carmela: His upstairs
Carmela: What's with you? You seem...
Meadow: [interrupts her] What?
Carmela: Nothing, I don't know
Meadow: Hey, you know what I read? their making a movie with Eloise
Carmela: Really? That should be cute
Meadow: It's supposed to come out around Christmas or something: you remember at The Plaza that time, the kid kept calling her "Heloise?" And I almost got into a fight with her?
Carmela: Yes, that little Spanish girl
Meadow: She was so annoying
Carmela: I can't believe you even remember that, you were like nine or something?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [while entering the kitchen, kisses her on the cheek] Hey
Meadow: [uninterested] Hello
Meadow: [to her mother] So anyway, when it opens, we are so there: you and me
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [sarcastically to Meadow] I know your excited to see me but try to control yourself
Carmela: So, how's school? What's new?
Meadow: Caitlin's still a pain, she cries like over everything
Carmela: Probably misses her home: the poor thing
Meadow: [referring to her boyfriend Noah Tannenbaum] Thank God for Noah though, he's the only one who can calm her down. She started pulling her hair out last night when she saw a scary movie. She does it all the time now, her scalp is like all raw
Carmela: Oh my God
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [jokingly] Nothing like a straitjacket wouldn't cure
Meadow: [sarcastically] Sorry, I forgot it's Mr. Sensitivity who doesn't have any problems of his own
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm agreeing with you
Meadow: [before leaving] Like you have a clue
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [irritated] Jesus Christ, what the fuck already?
Carmela: [referring to the conflict between Tony and Meadow] Cut her some slack, she's under a lot of strain and you did start this
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [referring to Noah] Did you see? How I didn't rise to the bait? The mulligan? A lot of good it did me, does anybody!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [when Carmela ignores him] It's still going on

Hesh: [while entering his office in the Bada Bing strip club Tony's lawyer Neil] hey Tony
Tony: Hey counselor, how are you?
Neil: You look good huh?
Tony: You want a drink?
Neil: [Referring to Tony including them in on his pump and dump stock market scheme] no, before we commence a thousand thank you's for Webistics
Tony: My pleasure
Tony: So what'd we stand this month?
Neil: Your uncle's petitioning to get out of jail on a medical pending trial
Hesh: Neil thinks they'll liable to let him out
Tony: Let him
Neil: Maybe as a temptation for you to act, again since you are at the helm it all gets back to putting up bigger blinds really limiting your exposure to potential RICO allegations
Tony: Only way to run a family these days is "bunker style..."
Tony: [after his cell phone rings and answers it] excuse me, yeah?
Carmela: [Over the phone] you're not going to believe this, your sister's here
Tony: Barbara?
Carmela: No, Janice.
Tony: You're shitting me
Carmela: Nope
Tony: Yeah I wonder what the scam is this time. Whatever it is I'm going to be five grand lighter when she rain dances back to the commune. Alright tell her she can stay with us if she wants
Carmela: Are you sure?
Tony: Yeah we'll get Barbara and Tom down from Brewster and make a family reunion out of it but obviously...
Carmela: Your mother's not welcome
Tony: [Before hanging up with Carmella] give Janice my love, see you later
Tony: [to Neil and Hesh] My sisters here from Seattle

Tony: so, Finn, where are you from?
Finn: my dad was in the navy, I was born in Japan, I spent my first ten years on a base near the Azores
Tony: so, your dad was a sailor, huh?
Finn: surgeon, actually
Carmela: so, you've been all over the world?
Finn: yeah, pretty much
Colin: I gotta tell you Mrs. Soprano, your daughter absolutely keeps us alive with her cooking
Alessandra: [to Colin] didn't you make macaroni and cheese one night?
Colin: [jokingly] I didn't wanna brag

Donna: [in the living room of the Soprano home] A man took his horse to a vet and the vet says to him, "Why do you have a long face?"
Patsy: The horse asks, there's no vet.
Donna: Right, a horse goes to a vet and the vet looks at his face and says to him, "My friend."
Patsy: A horse goes to the doctor, the doctor asks, "Why the long face?" She can't tell jokes
Tony: Speaking of jokers, where's that other son of yours today?
Donna: I didn't think he was invited.
Carmela: I just think with all the wedding talk.
Tony: That pal of his, the other Jason I heard he ran into some trouble, Carlo's Jason.
Donna: He's a mess.
Patsy: Alright.
Tony: Well, he's got no shortage of lawyers here, only this one here would only take the case for free.
[referring to Meadow]
Patrick: That's why we want her there at Groupman, Groupman and Kerseyo, actually Med and I had some conversations and we may still snag her at the firm when she's done with law school.
Carmela: No kidding?
Meadow: We went out to dinner Steven Groupman and the subject came up.
Patrick: Steven was very impressed with her work at the Law Center, even got into starting salaries, he was talking one seventy.
Tony: Jesus, sweetheart that's fantastic.
Meadow: He hadn't had too much to drink.
Patrick: Don't devalue yourself, we've got a really interesting case right now we're defending James Trofolio the County Commissioner and those corruption charges.
Donna: [to Patrick] is that your case?
Patrick: He's got bag men, whores it's fascinating.

Carmela: So did you hear?
Gabriella: You're talkin' about the Bonpensieros, right?
Carmela: Hang on, Gab, call waiting. It might be Tony from Italy. Hello?
Rosalie: I didn't sleep a wink last night. My God. Isn't this awful?
Carmela: Did you tell Franny Altieri?
Rosalie: OOH! No. She's gonna shit when she hears this.

Carmela: [Referring to Meadow] Alright, let's get her down here.
Tony: I guess, where is the bride of Frankenstein?
Carmela: She's still sleeping.
Tony: You're right, go wake her up.
Carmela: I wake her up?
Tony: Yeah, I want to get this shit out of the way before I go out.
Janice: Let her sleep, you guys are making too much of this.
Carmela: I don't think we're making enough, she was drunk.
Janice: It's her choice. There's a Zuni saying "For every twenty wrongs a child does, ignore nineteen."
Tony: There's an old Italian saying "You fuck up once, you lose two teeth."
Janice: See? That's what this is all about, ego and control.
Carmela: I beg your pardon?
Tony: No, please don't try and make sense with her.
Carmela: No, I want to understand this. Go ahead, tell me.
Janice: You want to hold onto control over a young woman whose entire biological determinism is to achieve independent thought and behavior. Because she's "exercised" her independence, you want to penalize her because you don't agree with her choices.
Carmela: [to Meadow while she walks into the kitchen] Well?
Carmela: Good morning, I'm sorry, is it afternoon?
Meadow: Mom, please.
Carmela: Please, what? You better have some answers, young lady.
Tony: Yeah, that's right.
Carmela: [after she remains silent] OK, fine, you're punished.
Meadow: For what? I didn't do anything.
Tony: Oh, you call what you did to grandma's house "nothing"?
Meadow: [Raising her voice] It wasn't my fault.
Carmela: It's never your fault, Meadow.
Meadow: It was just supposed to be me, Hunter, and the Mackalalooso twins and Steve shows up with his asshole friend Adam and a bunch of people from Bolton.
Tony: Oh, so Steve's walking around trying doorknobs until he hits the jackpot.
Meadow: No, Hunter goes and tells him.
Carmela: [Referring to Meadow constantly shifting blame to her friend Hunter] Oh, now with the "Hunter".
Tony: She's over at her house blaming it all on Meadow, it's an old game.
Meadow: We're under a lot of pressure, you try studying day and night to get into college. We deserved a night.
Tony: [Noticing she's becoming emotional] OK, take it easy, take it easy.
Carmela: I'm sorry you're under a lot of pressure but it's still no excuse.
Tony: So, who was this "ecstasy" guy?
Meadow: I just told you, Adam, I don't even know him. He just showed up with Steve.
Carmela: Is this the same Steve I know? The school newspaper kid you're always with?
Meadow: He's a "flake", why do you think I stopped hanging out with him?
Carmela: That's news to me you stopped hanging out with Steve.
Meadow: It's painful to talk about, OK?
Tony: Well, you're going to get punished.

Tony: [while in Wegler's office, jokingly, referring to AJ] let me guess, he called the English teacher "daddy-o?"
Robert: [to the three of them] the "thing" is, we are rapidly approaching crisis mode here with these grades and "time is of the essence"
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: can I ask a question? I handed in my final list of colleges, did you get that?
Robert: yes, we've talked about this. So, Ramapo and Trenton State and our "reach" schools are University of Arizona and Arizona State
Tony: [to Wegler] yeah, I'm gonna take him out there after I drive him around to the ones in New Jersey
Robert: if either of the Arizona's his got his heart set on, his not going to get in with these grades and I know about football Anthony, I'm sorry, it's not enough
Tony: he says his trying his best
Robert: SAT-wise, 505 and 430, I think we can "edge up" the math into the fives in the next round: providing Anthony feels he can "bear down" his focus
Tony: his had trouble with that before. Remember Carm, when they thought he had ADD?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: [to Tony] you didn't tell me that
Robert: Anthony, what'd you say you head on back to class, let us talk?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: but if I'm "learning disabled", I get unlimited time on my SAT's
Carmela: [to Wegler] is that true?
Robert: [to Tony and Carmela, then nods to AJ to imply to him to leave] let's talk about that later
Robert: [to Tony and Carmela, after AJ leaves] so, you had time to talk to Dr. Rapkey about last week's testing results?
Carmela: [while taking out the report and reading from it] yes, she says Anthony has good "interpersonal skills", she said it's effect was "constricted", she called it but that was "normal" for a teenager and all and all, he seems to be handling the split "well", and this is not to say I get a ration of shit in every conversation, pardon my French
Robert: well, still, there's this "thing" with his grades. Do you think it would be a benefit for him to see a psychologist on a regular basis?
Robert: [after noticing Tony sighs and chuckles to himself] you don't approve of therapy?
Tony: I think we use it as a crutch and I always wonder what happened to Gary Cooper? The strong silent type?
Robert: [amused] well, Gary Cooper wasn't a sixteen-year-old boy
Tony: he was at one time
Carmela: I'm gonna have to agree with my husband here: we sent our daughter to an adolescent development mentalist and it was a disaster. I know my son, his just lazy, we gonna get him a different SAT tutor and I'm gonna stay on him and his gonna work harder and that's that

Carmela: [to AJ] So every time I asked you "how was work?" you say "fine", you were having your own private little joke on me.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Tony enters the room] what's going on?
Carmela: I went to Blockbuster to rent Cinderella Man, but guess what?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Is it still a classic?
Carmela: I found out our son, the liar, was fired three weeks ago
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: From Blockbuster? They have the worst managers over there.
Carmela: He was taking promotional items and selling them, stand ups.
A.J. Soprano: Standees, this whole thing is bullshit, most of that stuff gets thrown out anyway.
Carmela: The store's policy was very clear
A.J. Soprano: Yeah, well maybe I care about the environment did that ever occur to you? "'Wallace and Gromit" that weighed like fifty pounds, how many trees gave their lives for that? It just goes to the dump.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Can I come to a peaceful house one God damn night?
A.J. Soprano: You always tell me to think like a business man, yet every time I do there's something wrong, I was making money throwing parties in high school that was no good.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know what I think, all those days you call in sick, you show up late, you deserve to get canned
Carmela: The worst part is: you don't even give a shit
A.J. Soprano: I should give a shit about Blockbuster? I can't live on what they pay me anyway.
Carmela: Why not? You live at home, we feed you.
A.J. Soprano: You have a social life but I can't, you have any idea what it costs at a descent club in New York? It's five hundred dollars for a bottle of Cristal, and it's a two bottle minimum.
Carmela: You spend a thousand dollars a night on champagne?
A.J. Soprano: [Lying] no, not every night, barely ever

Rosalie: It's not just us. The president of the Unites States for crying out loud, look what his wife had to put up with, with the the blowjobs and the stained dress.
Angie: Hillary Clinton? I can't stand that woman.
Rosalie: I don't know. Maybe we could all take a page from her book.
Carmela: What, to be humiliated in public and then walk around smiling all the time? That is so false. I would dig a hole, I would climb into it, and I would not come out.
Rosalie: All I know is, she stuck by him and put up with the bullshit and in the end, what did she do? She set up her own little thing.
Gabriella: She did. She took all that negative shit he gave her and spun it into gold. You gotta give her credit.
Carmela: Well, that's true, isn't it?
Carmela: She's a role model for all of us.

Tony: [while they drive to Bobby's cabin in the Adirondack Mountains, while watching her rummaging through her purse] you gonna relax?
Carmela: [referring to the poor cell phone reception in that area, nervously] it's just all this "little stuff", like my phone that has one little bar left up here. I mean, what if the brokers try and contact me? The inspection on my house is on Tuesday and the gas is still off
Tony: [after his cell phone rings] mine works, hello?
Neil: [over the phone] Essex County dropped the charges, I told you it was a piece of shit case: two years old, no "decent" prints, Santa Claus could've dropped that gun in the snow
Tony: [to Carmela] they dropped the charges
Tony: [to Neil, before hanging up] well, I'd say I owe you one" but I'm sure it's more than "one", thanks again

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Oh, hey dad. I was just taking out the trash, its garbage day tomorrow
Tony: What's different about you?
Carmela: He has no eyebrows Tony
Tony: [after looking carefully on both sides of his face] who did this?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: We were just screwing around
Tony: What'd you say to your mother?
Carmela: Tony...
Tony: [Sternly] what did you say?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: I said the F word
Tony: [Grabs him by the neck and holds him against the wall, referring to the new SUV he bought him] your finished. Your not going to drive that car until your forty-five years old! I'm selling it tomorrow
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Look, she wouldn't let me talk. I was trying to tell her what happened
Carmela: Oh, see? It's my fault
Tony: Let's hear it
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Well, I was going to go to Meadow's but there weren't any cabs and I didn't think you wanted me standing in the street at eleven thirty at night, we were right by the hotel
Carmela: Enough of your lying
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: I am not lying
Tony: Look at your face. If you have some sexual proclivity with that teacher or whatever now's the time to tell us. I mean what went on up there? Poppers and weird sex
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: What? No? Look we don't do drugs around some stupid dopers. I had a few beers but it just made me sick
Carmela: How could anybody believe what you say?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Because I told you. You never believe me
Tony: You had a couple beers
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Yeah
Tony: Didn't do any drugs?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: [Acting innocently, lying] No
Tony: [Sympathetically for AJ] Carmella, look a couple beers, he should be grounded yeah, it's not the end of the world
Carmela: [Shocked] what? You know what? I am sick of your bullshit, both of you. He can go live with you
Tony: Don't get dramatic now alright?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: What? Great, good!
Tony: [to AJ] Shut up
Carmela: I have never been more serious in my life
Tony: [to AJ] take out the trash, go outside
Tony: [Sits down next to her on the couch] what're we going to do? Really?
Carmela: What did I just say?
Tony: No, I mean really? Come on
Carmela: Did you think I was joking?
Tony: Carmella, this normal teenage shit. You remember us? The CYO dance, we left Artie out in the snow, he almost lost his fingers and we still laugh our asses off about it
Carmela: I don't really blame AJ. His doing what his suppose to, his testing the limits as much as he can. I blame myself
Tony: What are you talking about?
Carmela: You don't know what it's like to have your son hate your guts
Tony: [Dismissively] He doesn't hate your guts

Janice: Have you seen what she did?
Tony: Who?
Janice: Meadow: that house is fucked
Tony: I thought you didn't swear?
Carmela: [Entering the room] what are you talking about?
Janice: I am outraged. No, I am beyond outraged, talk about disgrace, disrespect for other people's property. That place looks like a shooting gallery, it smells of urine, there's puke all over the beautiful hardwood floors...
Tony: [Interrupts her, sarcastically] sounds like your apartment in Venice
Carmela: Don't worry about it: she's been punished
Janice: [Sarcastically] oh my God, three weeks without a credit card, that's some heavy shit there
Janice: You know if that was my child...
Tony: [Angrily interrupts her, slaps his bowl of cereal on the floor] you know what? Fuck this, you got a lot of fuckin balls, you know that?
Janice: Don't talk to me like that
Tony: No, let's "clear the air" here. You ride into town like the "mission come lately", trying to play the "concerned daughter" who the fuck are you kidding? Your just here to pick the friggin bones
Janice: [Sternly] there's a lot I could say that I'm not gonna say
Tony: [Before walking away, referring to her demeanor] a lot of balls
Janice: Temper tantrums: he hasn't changed one iota since we lived in Newark, not one iota
Carmela: You are passing judgment on him: on us as parents. I told you once already, how we discipline our children is none of anybody's business
Janice: You let that girl ride rough shot over you, some day your gonna regret it
Carmela: Mother of God, are all of you Sopranos the same? I asked you nicely to stay out of it, you pretend you don't hear me, well maybe you'll hear this? Mind your fucking business, keep your mouth shut when it comes to my kids alright?
Janice: [Feeling guilty] maybe I've stayed here too long?

Brian: the tax purposes the annuity is fine but if I'm hearing you right, liquidity is the real concern?
Carmela: [after looking at Tony and he nods] "occasionally" we need "ready access" to our money
Brian: honestly guys, I'd recommend a life insurance trust that coupled with the growth-oriented allocation of your assets... including an assortment of other investment "vehicles"
Tony: [jokingly] like what? Classic cars?
Brian: no, like stocks, bonds
Carmela: I think his "pulling your leg"
Brian: [amused] I gotta remember that one. So, great, we'll open an account, get the paperwork started and...
Tony: [interrupts him] look, no offense, I know we're family, let me think about it: run it by my accountant
Carmela: Ginsberg? He's a CPA, not an investment advisor
Tony: well, whatever, he knows about this stuff
Brian: you know what Carm? Talk to your accountant, two heads huh?

Meadow: Look, you guys, I know what I did was not OK and I've been thinking about it a lot and really not feeling good about myself. I think you should take away my Discover card.
Carmela: You better believe it.
Tony: That's right.
Meadow: For two weeks.
Tony: Three.
Meadow: How do I buy gas?
Tony: Your allowance.
Meadow: I spent my allowance and I already owe mom.
Carmela: [after Tony looks at her implying he wants to know what Meadow owes money for] The Pashmina.
Carmela: [to Meadow] We can wait on that.

Carmela: [when Tony returns home] I thought you were at Raymond's birthday dinner?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: left early
Carmela: nice to be home: there's chicken parm. Was Christopher there?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: no
Carmela: did you know that him and Adriana broke up?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: no, this kid, that's his trouble, he keeps it all "bottled up", then they wonder why they get chemical dependencies?
Carmela: do you think there was somebody else?
Carmela: [after he shrugs] because there was this one night: it was way back, movie night with the girls. Adriana was very upset, and she wanted to get "something" off her chest, then she just ran out of there crying. I bet she was seeing somebody?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: you never know about people

Carmela: If you stop now, it'll be that much harder to get back on track
Tony: Your mother's right
Carmela: just out of curiosity, what're you planning on using for money?
Meadow: Cheap tickets' is running a sale, I can cash in the bonds nana gave me: most likely I'll be working
Tony: [sarcastically] Oh yeah, on some student film
Meadow: It's not a student film, it's a feature on DV-CAM: he got honorable mention at the Winnipeg Film Festival last year for his short
Tony: Forget money, what about security? You think traipsing around Europe is the smart move these days?
Meadow: Like Europe is any less safe than here? Look, you don't seem to get it. I keep having images of Jackie April lying in a pool of his own blood in some street somewhere
Carmela: So, French discos drive away sad thoughts?
Meadow: You've never heard of the restorative nature of travel? Read Henry James. Why does every college have junior year abroad if there isn't a need for it?
Carmela: Then why don't you wait for junior year? It's eight months
Meadow: Because I need it now
Tony: [irritated] You want to go to Europe? Go! Clear your head, do whatever the hell they do over there
Meadow: Thank you, I will
Carmela: [to Tony] Don't you think she should talk to someone first? A counselor maybe?
Tony: Maybe the college of hard knocks is what she needs? Let's see how she likes it when some gypsy lifts her wallet, let her find out you can't work over there without a permit like the French hang onto like their balls

Julianna: [At Christopher's wake] hi
Tony: How are ya?
Tony: [Introducing them to each other] Julianna Skiff, this is my wife Carmela Soprano
Julianna: [Correcting him on pronouncing her last name] Skiff
Tony: Oh, right
Tony: [to Carmella] Julianna is a real estate in the old neighborhood
Carmela: And you knew Christopher?
Julianna: I used to buy my meat at Satriale's and I'm a recovering addict. I owe him a lot
Carmela: That's nice to hear
Tony: What're you going to do?
Julianna: Nothing you can do

Janice: You want to swap family stories Tone? How about the time when Mom and Dad were coming back from the Copa?
Tony: That's enough Janice!
Janice: [laughing] Mom's hair!
Tony: That didn't even happen! And anyway, it's not for public concern!
Carmela: What? Oh my God! What?
Janice: They were driving back from Manhattan, with Uncle June and his goomar. Oh! What was her name?
Tony: Your ass!
Janice: That's how we heard the story through her...
[remembering]
Janice: Rosemary. My father's driving, and she's ragging on his ass. You know how she gets. He's been drinking, I guess. And he takes out his gun!
Carmela: Oh my God!
Janice: BOOM!
Bobby: Holy shit!
[Tony looks embarrassed]
Janice: Fuckin' blew right through her beehive hairdo!
[Carmela, Janice and Bobby burst out laughing]
Carmela: [laughing] I can't believe you never told me that story!
Janice: Yeah! What's the big deal!
Tony: 'Cause it makes us look like a fuckin' dysfunctional family!
[cursing]
Tony: Jesus Christ!
Janice: My turn!
Tony: [to Carmela] And don't you ever tell the kids that about their grandfather!
Carmela: Of course not!

Carmela: [on the family dinner table in their home] As your parents we feel joining the army is in your best interest
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: This country is in a crisis
Carmela: How can one soldier stop it?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: When my enlistment is up, I could join the CIA or something and with a military background I'd have "a leg up" and as an Arabic speaker I'd be very useful
Tony: [Sarcastically] I don't understand your going to ask Donald for some time off from your pilot job to go on CIA missions?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Everything's a joke to you
Tony: I'm not having a good time
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Did you or did you not want me to go to military school?
Carmela: At least you would've come out an officer, even then I was oppose to it, I hate this idea
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: I'm applying for officers' candidate school I want to be a liaison officer with the local population
Carmela: Officers' candidate school? You have terrible grades you flunked out of college
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Here we go, that's all this is about right?
Carmela: No Anthony this is not what it's about, you don't want to go to college, then don't go to college but don't get your legs blown off
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: [dismissively] Always with the drama
Tony: What's your girlfriend say? The fashion model?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: She doesn't think I should go either

Carmela: [referring to Meadow, while lying in bed] So, what did she have to say for herself?
Tony: The usual shit, "wasn't my fault."
Carmela: There was designer drugs there, Tony. So, what did you say?
Tony: I don't know, I yelled. What the fuck else am I gonna do?

Carmela: [over the phone] hi, how are you?
Jeanie: listen, I spoke to my sister about the letter of recommendation for Meadow and she's sorry, she just can't do it... I'm sorry
Carmela: she can't? Why not?
Jeanie: well because she already wrote a letter for someone else: a wonderful Dominican from the housing projects, with a 5.2 average and a crack addict mother with Cerebral palsy
Carmela: so, what does that mean? She can't send two?
Jeanie: did you think about asking one of the priests at the church? A letter from Father Intintola would "probably" mean more I bet? Especially at Georgetown. I gotta go, bye, good luck

Carmela: Tony, these kids need a father!
Tony: They got one, Tony Soprano!

Dominic: [During Christopher's intervention] Christopher, this won't be easy for any of us I want you to know we're here today because we care about you all we ask is that you listen
Christopher: [to Adriana] was this your idea?
Dominic: [to Adriana] would you like to begin?
Adriana: [to Christopher] I love you very much, my only dream is that we have a happy life together for the last few months things have gotten very bad because you're using drugs all the time, your high all the time and I can't take it
Dominic: [to Adriana] be specific.
Adriana: When we first started going out we made love all the time now because of the drugs...
Christopher: Jesus, is this fucking necessary?
Dominic: [to Adriana] go ahead
Adriana: You can no longer function as a man, last week when I came and found you killed our dog that was the final straw
Christopher: [Referring to the dog] I fell asleep, she got suffocated
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You killed little Cosette, I ought to suffocate you, you little prick
Dominic: Tony, we're going in order
Christopher: [after Silvio reads his statement] I told you I had the flu, I can't even defend myself now?
Dominic: No one's attacking you
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Look, it doesn't change anything but I can verify he was sick for a little while, still this thing with the dog, how could you not see it on the chair?
Dominic: You're getting emotional tony
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: That's because I know what it's like to lose a pet!
Carmela: I happen to know you were high at my mother in law's wake, you were talking nonstop for twenty minutes, nothing but gibberish
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Shaking his head in disappointment] my mother's wake, Jesus Christ
Dominic: [after Paulie reads his statement] whoa, guys we said "non-judgmental"
Paulie: Fuck that, let him take his medicine
Christopher: Seriously Paulie, you want to talk about "being up"?
Paulie: Watch it Chrissy
Christopher: What? I thought we're honest here, you got some balls you know that? All of you, you want to talk about "self-control", how about you Sil? Fucking every slut you got working for you when you got a wife and kid at home how about you Paulie? You remember last year in the woods with the Russian guy?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Christopher I am fucking warning you!

Carmela: so, dad, how does dinner at Vesuvio sound for your birthday next week?
Mary: just us, we'll come here first for presents and then we'll go over there
Hugh: [smiles] sure, sure, that sounds fine
Carmela: did "somebody" tell you "something"?
Hugh: I know all about it: you can save the cloak-and-dagger
Mary: [assuming he spoiled the surprise] AJ?
A.J. Soprano: huh, what?
Hugh: Junior Soprano told me all about it
Carmela: that miserable fucking man
Mary: ugh
Carmela: you don't know the half of it
Hugh: relax, I'm fine with knowing. In my age, it's a "surprise" to be able to get out of bed every morning. So, who's coming to the shindig?
Carmela: God damn him!
Mary: all of us: your brother Lester, Dr. Fegoli
Hugh: Russ Fegoli? His in town?
Mary: he retired from the Foreign Service

Tony: I rang the doorbell six times, nobody answered
Carmela: What're you doing here?
Tony: I want to talk to you
Carmela: [Referring to AJ] if you came to pick him up his not going
Tony: Oh, so you believe all that shit they're saying? Am I that horrible? Really?
Carmela: Where there's smoke, there's fire. I don't know what you did. What's going to happen when your children find out about this? Meadow already suspects you
Tony: Suspects what?
Carmela: She saw you at the club, she thought you were coked out
Tony: What're you talking about? I don't do drugs
Carmela: She already knows about the accident, what'd you think she's going to think? With Anthony at that age?
Tony: Oh, come on with the kids, this is about you
Carmela: Fine, it's all about me, what? Do I mean nothing to you? That I've got to live with this swirling around me?
Tony: Alright forget about what they're saying. I'm asking you, you think I would have sexual relations with her? Adriana who's going to be a member of this family? I want you to answer me truthfully. Look, I know I haven't been a fuckin saint alright? And you got plenty of issues on that subject but you haven't been a fuckin saint yourself

Carmela: [after Christopher lies to her about Adriana, who was killed by Silvio , saying she left him] I am devastated! I wish I could reach her. Is there a number?
Christopher: [looking ponderously] Not that I know of.

Carmela: [during family dinner, to Tony] while you were sleeping, we found out Hunter Scangarelo got into Reed College
Meadow: [to her mother, irritated] can't you be happy for Hunter? Reed was her first choice: she'd die if she didn't get in. Why do you always think everything has something to do with me?
A.J. Soprano: because you didn't get in anywhere
Carmela: [after chastising AJ for insulting his sister] nobody has heard anything for months: Hunter took early acceptance so she found out early, what that means is she could only apply to that one college. Your sister, on the other hand, gave herself a lot of options such as Bowdoin, Holy Cross, Georgetown...
Meadow: you know Georgetown is a total reach for me
Carmela: oh, please they'd be crazy not to want you
Meadow: if I can in there, I can probably get into Berkeley?
Tony: over my dead body
Meadow: there are more Nobel Prize winners in the San Francisco Bay area than any other area on the planet
Tony: Nobel Prize for what? Packing Fudge? Look, you know you can go anywhere you want to go to college but I'll tell you where I'm not gonna pay for, and that's Berkeley
A.J. Soprano: I want to go to Harvard or West Point
Tony: well, you might get to see them on television but that's about it: you wanna go to college like those, you gotta crack the books

Carmela: [after Meadow knocks on their bedroom door] Come in
Meadow: I need to talk to you guys
Tony: What's the matter? Finn?
Meadow: No, not about me: AJ
Carmela: what about him?
Meadow: [referring to his fiancé Blanca breaking up with him] I know his upset but his been saying some "things" that are really disturbing
Carmela: Like what?
Meadow: Like "Nobody gives a shit about him", "What's the point of anything", stuff like that. I told you about that girl Hadley sophomore year, the one who threw herself off the library balcony? These are the exact kind of "things" she was saying, I don't mean to get you all upset
Carmela: Of course not. I'm glad you said something

Carmela: Oh thank God his alive. It's my fault Tony, my pathetic need to compete with you clouding my judgment or I would never let him stay over in New York. I knew he wasn't ready. I went against all my instincts
Tony: His eyebrows will grow back, nothing really happened
Carmela: No, you know what happened? I said "fuck it" and you know why? To get him to love me as much as he loves you
Tony: He loves you. It's just that you're his mother it's different
Carmela: I can't be the villain anymore. I mean it and I can't say "fuck it." Take him: let him live with you

Tony: [referring to the birthday gift he bought her] The ring looks beautiful on you
Carmela: It is gorgeous: is there anything you need to tell me?
Tony: About the ring?
Carmela: I don't know, you didn't buy that little car you were talking about
Tony: Mercedes? I look like a douche bag in one of those
Carmela: Jean Cusamano calls your cars a midlife crisis mobiles
Tony: What the fuck does she know?
Tony: [when Carmela sighs] What?
Carmela: [referring to them dating] I don't know, I'm m not thrilled about this thing with Jackie and Meadow. I think she came home and he came over so they can go out tonight
Tony: So what? He's a good kid, comes from good stock
Carmela: His been on his best behavior lately, I can't deny that. I just never pictured Meadow with someone like him
Tony: Someone like him? His one of us
Tony: [referring to Noah Tannenbaum, her previous boyfriend, a Jewish African American] Don't tell me you were happy when she was going out with that Jamal Ginsberg, Hasidic homeboy?
Carmela: I just don't want her to miss the opportunities that are available to her: she should be at the Museum of Modern Art in her free time, not watching TV at Rosalie Aprile's
Tony: Oh, you'd rather have her look at pictures of soup cans than be close to home?
Carmela: [sighs] I don't know
Tony: Well, you talk to her and I'll talk to Jackie Jr.

Tony: fifty grand? You gotta be kidding me?
Carmela: [referring to her and Dean Ross] we talked a lot about Meadow having the best possible university experience
Tony: yeah, those Jew pricks are holding us hostage
Carmela: his Italian
Tony: Jews are better fooled
Carmela: they know from Verbum, we're big "givers"
Tony: we gave five grand a year, that's a long way from fifty
Carmela: this is college: New York City, five thousand is like slap in face to these people
Tony: well, then let them say no
Tony: [after taking money out from his pocket and tosses it to her] here's around five grand, pay them through your household account, so you can write them a check and that's it: not a penny more

Carmela: [while in the Brooklyn Museum] Imagine having your portrait in a museum like this
Meadow: She's just the wife of some rich merchant: that's how Rubens made his money
Carmela: You sure talk the talk, Ms. Art History, I have never seen grades like this from you
Meadow: Well, you take Intro to Symbiotics
Carmela: If you spend more time in your books and less in Jackie's car...
Meadow: [referring to their relationship] Please, that is so over
Carmela: [surprised] Just like that? What happened?
Meadow: [after they walk over to another painting] Are you crying? What's the matter?
Carmela: I don't know: just look at it
Meadow: [reading the name of the painter and painting from the display card] Jusepe de Ribera The Mystical Marriage of Saint Catherine
Carmela: That's the baby Jesus
Meadow: [jokingly] She's marrying a baby? Good luck
Carmela: We all do
Meadow: What?
Carmela: I shouldn't be sarcastic, just look at her, the little baby's hand up against her cheek. She's so at peace, beautiful... innocent, gorgeous little baby. Come on, let's go eat

Carmela: The funny thing is, I was sure he was gay. He sort of reminded me of you.

Tony: [in Dr. her office] I've got to be frank you people got him out of his room, great so he could be Cannon fodder ?
Dr. Doherty: I wasn't aware of his latest plan
Tony: On the other hand he can benefit from the training, the discipline
Carmela: Maybe the army would be great for him, if there wasn't a war going on, he used to veg in front of that TV
Dr. Doherty: He says he wants to get past the hate focus it only on the terrorists I really can't reveal much more
Tony: Right, even though we're paying, this whole therapy thing I've got to tell you
Dr. Doherty: What
Tony: My mother was a borderline personality, so what? I don't know if you knew that
Dr. Doherty: No
Tony: I did not have a very happy childhood
Dr. Doherty: No?
Tony: There was very little love in the house
Dr. Doherty: His mentioned your mother very briefly
Tony: She was a very difficult woman, undermining I tried to place her in a retirement community for her own good, she turned on me completely, I could never please my mother

Carmela: [Participating in Tony's therapy session for the first time] how are you feeling, from your accident?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Fine, thank you
Carmela: Honestly, if you told me five years ago I'd be sitting here today
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Anthony's attacks, how do they make you feel?
Carmela: Concerned of course, helpless, a little frustrated
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Maybe with your inability to help him?
Carmela: To tell you the truth I was referring to your inability to help him
Tony: She has helped me, what're you talking about?
Carmela: You've been coming here for three years Tony and you still pass out on a regular basis
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [to Carmela] I understand your frustration. Did Anthony share with you any insights about his last panic attack?
Tony: I told you remember? The gabagool and my mother when I was a little kid
Carmela: Right, yes
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you think that there's anything in the present family "dynamic" that could serve as a trigger? Something in your dialog perhaps?
Carmela: Excuse me?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I don't really know you that well, we're trying to get to root causes
Tony: Like maybe you do things that may have some affect on me?
Carmela: Oh, really?
Tony: What? People affect each other in life
Carmela: [to Dr. Melfi] oh I get it, is this how it works? You can't get any answers so you start looking for someone else to point the finger at?
Tony: She's not saying anything, why are you getting so defensive?
Carmela: You know what Tony? Maybe you should "explore" your own behavior, maybe you pass out because you're guilty over something. Maybe because of the fact that you stick your dick into anything with a pulse, you ever "explore" that as a root cause?
Tony: [Sarcastically] very nice, that's very nice
Carmela: Uh-huh
Tony: [to Carmela] I told you months ago I broke it off with that Russian person
Tony: [to Dr. Melfi] right?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Remains silent]
Carmela: It's incredible, it's like people who smoke their entire lives then they sue the cigarette companies when they get cancer
Tony: [Faces away from her] you know, you agreed to come here, oh forget it, this is fuckin ridiculous
Carmela: Right, just sit there, silence, anger, then you pass out and then you blame the rest of the world
Tony: [Sarcastically] yeah I love you too
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You're both very angry.

Carmela: I cannot believe this. Do you know how serious this is?
Carmela: [after AJ remains silent] do you? Answer me right now
A.J. Soprano: Yes
Carmela: Yes what?
A.J. Soprano: I know it's serious
Carmela: So, why did you do it?
A.J. Soprano: I don't know
Carmela: Why did you do it? Do you hate the school? Do you have a problem with someone there or something?
A.J. Soprano: No
Carmela: Then why?
A.J. Soprano: It just happened. We went swimming as a group. Someone threw something in the pool. Couple of guys started throwing stuff into the pool. We just did it
Carmela: And if they were "just" jumping off the George Washington Bridge would you "just" do that too?
A.J. Soprano: No
Tony: [Asking why AJ is home when he should be in school] what're you doing here?
Carmela: Answer your father
A.J. Soprano: I got sent home
Tony: Why?
Tony: [Raising his voice after AJ remains silent] Why?
A.J. Soprano: I got into trouble
Carmela: Your son broke into his school Friday night and vandalized the swimming pool
Tony: How do you vandalize a swimming pool?
Carmela: Threw a bunch of stuff in it and broke things
Tony: What'd you do that for?
A.J. Soprano: Screwing around
Tony: [Smacks his head] on your mother's birthday?
A.J. Soprano: It wasn't. It was after midnight
Tony: What're you fuckin stupid? So are you suspended?
A.J. Soprano: I don't know
Carmela: Tony, do you know how serious this is? He may be expelled
Tony: What'd they say?
A.J. Soprano: Nothing, they just sent me home. They said to bring your parents into the principal's office
Tony: On your mother's birthday
A.J. Soprano: They're going to call you
Tony: Just when everything was going good, your going to miss the big game. Your screwing everything up. Your football career down the drain!

Carmela: [sternly, after rushing him away from a reporter] what did I tell you?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: we were just talking
Carmela: don't talk to them: say nothing. Where are your father's CDs?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: oh, I forgot
Carmela: [irritated] Jesus, everybody here is pitching in but you
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: [sarcastically] thanks mom
Carmela: I wish you would go to class if this is all your gonna do
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: with my father in the hospital?
Carmela: [giving him money] go to the deli on Broad St. get some baked goods, get enough for everybody upstairs, get an assortment
Carmela: [points to another exit to avoid being seen by the press] go this way

Tony: [Final scene] Tony enters the restaurant and sits down
Carmela: [Carmela enters the restaurant and sits down the song "Don't Stop Believin' by Journey starts playing] Hey
Tony: Hey
Carmela: [Reading the menu] What looks good tonight?
Tony: I don't know, where's the gagootz?
Carmela: He just called his on his way, Mead's coming separately she had to go to the doctor
[Tony looks up]
Carmela: switch birth control
[Tony nods]
Carmela: you talk to Mink again?
Tony: It's Carlo, he's going to testify
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: [AJ enters the restaurant and sits down] onion rings
Tony: Best in the state as far as I'm concerned
Carmela: [Waitress brings them their drinks] How was work today?
Tony: It's an entry level job so bug up
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: right, focus on the good times
Tony: Don't be sarcastic
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Isn't that what you said one time? Try to remember the times that were good?
Tony: I did?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Yeah
Tony: Well, it's true, I guess
Tony: [the waitress brings a bowl of onion rings to the table] I went ahead and ordered some for the table

Carmela: You know what the church says about divorce...
Angie: Oh, *please*! Let the Pope live with him.

Janice: [while in his basement as he organizes his wine collection] I just wanted to say... thank you
Tony: Your welcome
Janice: [becoming emotional] No one's ever done something so...
Tony: [interrupts her] It's ok, really
Carmela: [to Tony while walking down the stairs, referring to dinner] You got the wine? We're almost ready
Carmela: [after seeing Janice crying] What happened?
Tony: [as Carmela hugs Janice] She's happy about the house
Carmela: Oh, honey, it's ok

Paulie: [during Nucci Gaultieri's funeral] thanks for coming
Carmela: [hugs and kisses him] We are so sorry for your loss
Tony: how you hangin in?
Paulie: As well as it can be expected
Carmela: It must be very hard for you, I know how close you two would become again
Paulie: Not much of a "send-off" here
Carmela: The room is beautiful
Paulie: Nobody's in it, what kind of sentiment is this to the spirit and generosity of the woman?
Carmela: [before kissing him and leaving] We're here for you, you know that
Paulie: It's a fundamental lack of respect and I'm never gonna fuckin forget it neither
Tony: Jesus, people your mother's age, their friends die off
Paulie: She "outlived" Sil? Carlo? their all over there with your nephew
Tony: yeah...
Paulie: [interrupts him] Councilman Cirillo was here three minutes. I clocked him: he told Gerry he was going to the Moltisanti wake
Tony: people are coming and if they don't... fuck them
Paulie: I got five hundred prayer cards
Tony: so, Carm and I are here, what the fuck is that? Nothing?
Paulie: [shakes his head] No of course not, it means the world
Tony: Ok
Paulie: [points to Nucci Gaultieri's body] She suffered too, you know?
Tony: Well, this is neither the time or place
Paulie: Your right

Carmela: [while in their bedroom early in the morning, referring to the Christmas gifts they bought] Oh good, you're up. I just got the digital video for Meadow: three down, three to go. Plus, the scooter is ready but your gonna have to pick it up
Tony: It's on my list
Carmela: You're not gonna like this next bit of news either: Janice is insisting on cooking Christmas dinner this year
Tony: Christmas eve or Christmas day?
Carmela: I'm cooking Christmas eve. You want to turn her loose on shellfish? She's determined to cook goose on Christmas day
Tony: Why?
Carmela: Well, her impulses are right: she's over here all the time, she volunteered me to make the gravy and the lasagna, so with everything else going on I have to do today, I have to bring half my kitchen over there and she needs you because the fuse box is on the fritz again
Tony: Oh, fuck. Come on, I'm busy
Carmela: So what? And I'm not?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [while they lie in bed] Hey, why you don't you try and get some sleep?
Carmela: why?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Why? Because tomorrow's gonna be another rough day, that's why
Carmela: I don't think I'm gonna sleep tonight, is this light gonna bother you?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No, leave it on
Carmela: I love you, I don't anybody getting hurt: not me, not the kids, not you
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I can't do another one of these "tearful things" until five o'clock in the morning, I just can't... not tonight
Carmela: Did you hear about Ralphie Rotaldo?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What about him?
Carmela: The Brazilian he keeps "on the side?"
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah?
Carmela: She had a baby
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [becoming irritated] And Christopher's in the hospital, this is on your mind now?
Carmela: [referring to the designer perfume] Maybe it has something to do with the CK-1 stinking up your shirt last Wednesday?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [referring to his affair with his mistress, annoyed] Oh, it's over, months ago
Carmela: [not believing him] Yeah, right
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: "Yeah, right what?" I told you I cut it off
Carmela: [sternly] Listen, if you keep "doing" what you "do", then I want you to at the very least get a Vasectomy
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [surprised] You want me to get what?
Carmela: Let's get "real", do you have any idea what a bastard child would do to this family? You ever think of the shame your children would feel? You're putting all of us at "risk"
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [referring to Irina] Hey, I had her tested for AIDS, what'd you think I am?

Tony: I'm depressed.
Carmela: I'm telling you. Don't you start now.
Tony: What does that mean?
Carmela: It means what it means. I have enough on my plate, I don't need you adding to it with your bullshit.
Tony: Bullshit? It's an illness and it's fuckin' hereditary.
Carmela: Thank you, I know. I am intimately acquainted with the Soprano curse. Your father, your uncle, your great-grandfather who drove the donkey cart off the road in Avellino, all of it.
Tony: Oh, you think it's a joke?
Carmela: Am I laughing?
Tony: Well, then what are you sayin'?
Carmela: He didn't get it from my family. That's all I'm gonna say.
Tony: Your family don't even talk. Your father's so bottled up it's a wonder he's even got a stomach left.
Carmela: Yeah, as opposed to yours.
Tony: At least my father was out front about what was botherin' him.
Carmela: Right, with a bullet through your mother's beehive hairdo.

Major: I for one think Anthony can greatly benefit from our program which as I candidly told him is very rigorous
Carmela: I will be very frank with you Major Zwingli, I do not agree with this hard-nosed discipline
Carmela: Mother's seldom do until he starts opening doors for you and pulling back your chair
Tony: Now that'd be a miracle, that's something we thought we could hope for
Carmela: What about creativity Tony? Independent thought?
Major: I stressed rather heavily with Anthony notions of duty and group think but I didn't think for now mention the army's motto of today: Be an Army of One
Carmela: Why be an army at all? How about a veterinarian? Isn't there enough war? Amputees? Horrible displaced...
Tony: [Interrupts her] his just going to march around a little bit
Major: I wouldn't get too hung up on the marching aspect, its part of it but it's nothing compared to the mentoring that comes through small class size, faculty involvement, and dorm life
Carmela: Well, that sounds wonderful certainly
Major: We've created too many options for our kids you can't blame them for being confused and when things go wrong we file them off to the ever burgeoning for profit substance recovery industry
Tony: This "Army of One" thing, what happens when each army of one decides "fuck it I'm not going over the top of the fox hole" or blew the lieutenant's head off? Because they've been told "be an army of one"
Major: I would submit Audie Murphy was an army of one
Carmela: [to Tony] is that what we're preparing him for? A career in the military?
Tony: No, no
Major: One day at a time

Carmela: You've heard the term "comfort food". Maybe it'll make you feel better.
Anthony: I know this is hard for you to believe, but food may not be the answer to every problem.
Tony: Neither is acting like a whiny little bitch.

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: can I go to the Mudvayne concert or not?
Carmela: I've been trying to think of a reason to let you stay overnight in New York with your friends but I'm afraid it's not gonna happen
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Todd's mother already made the arrangements: she said it'd be better than us driving home
Carmela: she's not your mother
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: [disappointed] yeah, I know, believe me
Carmela: [while AJ walks away, sarcastically] isn't life unfair?

Carmela: Let's just say your uncle has acquired quite a taste for her.
Tony: No, shit, Uncle Jun gives head?
Carmela: World class.
Tony: The old man's whistling through the wheat field?
Carmela: Don't be disgusting!
Tony: Oh, he's a Bushman of the Kalahari!
Carmela: [laughs]
Carmela: [laughs] That's why I don't tell you anything 'cause you don't know when to stop!
Tony: Oh my God, if this ever gets out.
Carmela: Oh yeah, like you don't do it or any of your friends. Bunch of hypocrites.
Tony: Hey, what goes on in this bedroom stays here and you know that.
Carmela: Once a year? I can resist the urge to gossip.

Carmela: [while lying in bed] Did you shut off all the lights?
Tony: Yeah
Carmela: In the kitchen?
Tony: Yeah. I want to spend more time with AJ
Carmela: It's the other one you should spend time with: she's almost out of the house
Tony: Hey, I'm not worried about Meadow, she can take care of herself
Carmela: Why the sudden burst of fatherhood?
Tony: [irritated] Can you say anything without it being sarcastic?
Carmela: Your right, I'm sorry. I think it's a good idea, he adores you: he never gets to spend enough time with you
Tony: Yeah well
Carmela: I was reading in Time the other day this study at Harvard: a father's support is absolutely linked to a boy's later capacity to manage frustrations, to explore new circumstances, and to do well in school
Tony: The kid needs to toughen up
Carmela: I'm not talking about toughening up, I'm talking about opening up
Tony: Somebody needs to teach that kid some street smarts: not to be a sucker, not to be involved with the wrong people. I don't want another Christopher on my hands, look at him, his lucky to be alive and the other poor prick they found dead: the kid was twenty-three or something

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [seeing Carmela for a session without Tony] You sounded tense on the phone
Carmela: I just wanted to make sure it was ok if I came alone? I mean Tony couldn't make it. I love the artwork you have here: the country scenes
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: thank you
Carmela: [referring to the nude statue in the waiting area] That statue is not my favorite
Carmela: [when Melfi doesn't respond] Oh, come on, look, it's not like this when me and Tony are here together, you never give him the silent treatment
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Is that what you think? I'm giving you the silent treatment?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [when she doesn't respond] Maybe you can tell me why you came today?
Carmela: I'm worried about my husband: the mood swings. I thought... when his mother died maybe... but still half the time he doesn't even talk to me. You've seen him get like that, the day he stood here like a wall. I know he is your patient and I am only the patient's wife but you try living like that twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week and see how you feel
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I see
Carmela: Oh, you do? Well, for your information, I am not the only one: the fact is Tony isn't under the weather today, he just didn't feel like coming. Fuck that shit is what I think he said
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Usually when that happens when we touch on a nerve, he was distressed over this young man's death in the garbage compactor
Carmela: He didn't say garbage compactor, did he?
Carmela: [when Melfi doesn't respond, referring to they didn't realize Tony was lying to them on the cause of death of the young man when he first told them] See?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What is it you believe?
Carmela: You know about his job, he reports to a strip club, who knows how he spends his days?
Carmela: [after beginning to cry] I'm sorry. I'm just frustrated, Tony's been out of sorts for so long. There is nothing I can do to help him
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I think coming to therapy with him has stirred up a lot of feelings in you that you would like to address with somebody?
Carmela: Oh, please, I am just a little emotional today
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I would like to help you but as you pointed out your husband is my patient
Carmela: I am not the one who needs mental help, I just needed to vent

Carmela: You know, Ma, your son loves you very much. He worries all the time. And he felt bad that you didn't come to the open house. I don't care if you think it's disrespectful, but I want you to cut the drama. It's killing Tony.
Livia: What are you talking about?
Carmela: I'm talking about this. This "poor mother, nobody loves me" victim crap. It is textbook manipulation. And I hate seeing Tony so upset over it.
Livia: I know how to talk to people.
Carmela: I am a mother too, don't forget. You know the power that you have. And you use it like a pro.
Livia: Power? What power? I don't have power! I'm a shut-in!
Carmela: You're bigger than life. You are his mother. I don't think for one second that you don't know what you're doing to him.
Livia: Who me? Me? What did I do?

Carmela: [Referring to Meadow's punishment, while lying in bed] There has to be consequences. What kind of parents would we be if we let her get away with this?
Tony: Typical?
Carmela: Plenty of parents still "crack the whip"
Tony: Yeah, that's what they tell you
Carmela: I cannot wait until she goes off the college
Tony: Then you can be fucked up with the "empty nest" syndrome and go on Wellbutrin like your sister?
Carmela: As a parent today, you are "over a barrel" no matter what you do: you take away the car, you become her chauffeur. You ground her, you gotta stay home weekends and be prison guards
Tony: And if you throw her out, the Social Services will bring her back, and we'd be in front of the judge: she's not eighteen yet
Carmela: That's your solution? To throw your daughter out?
Tony: All I'm saying is with the laws today, you can't even restrain your kid physically because she can sue you for child abuse
Carmela: There has to be consequences
Tony: And there will be, I hear you ok? Let's not "overplay" our "hand" because if she finds out we're powerless, we're fucked

Carmela: I was thinking about when we watched "Casablanca" last week.
Father: That new print is great, huh?
Carmela: You know when Bogie says "Of all the lousy gin joints in the world, why did you have to pick mine."? Of all the finook priests in the world, why did I have to get the one who's straight?

Bob: [while visiting Tony with Aaron] you're having surgery tomorrow, you know they've done clinical studies on the power of prayer? Praying for patients have an eleven percent fewer complications
Carmela: I have read that: it does help to pray, even if it just helps take your mind off of it
Bob: [leading them in a prayer] Dear Jesus, hear these words, bestow your healing, loving grace, upon our injured friend, Lord help heal his wounds, and help him with your cleansing love, pursue the bounds, grace his bounds even more... Amen
Tony: [crosses himself] Amen
Carmela: [crosses herself] Amen
Aaron: [crosses himself] Amen
Tony: So, reverend, Lemme ask you about this guy not selling birth control?
Bob: He should be free to exercise his moral convictions without... suffering loss of livelihood
Tony: [confused] Here's what I'm getting at, I'm worried about Viagra: the way I see it, I'm gonna need plenty of that, considering my condition, and... what if somebody decides that Viagra is wrong? God don't like it
Bob: Well, God loves procreation: no one's saying anything against Viagra. Birth control and the morning-after pill is a sin because it strikes at life: at the unborn
Tony: Yeah, but what if somebody goes after Viagra? I'm not talking about procreation
Tony: [points to Carmela] listen up because this concerns you too
Bob: Something like Viagra will never be an issue
Tony: Excuse me but at one time, they were going after booze and as a proprietor of a drinking and eating establishment, I take this stuff very seriously
Bob: Strip club, I believe it is
Tony: Oh, you've been to The Bing?
Bob: [shakes his head] No
Carmela: [referring to Tony] He should rest, thank you so much for coming and Aaron thank you so much for your prayer

Carmela: [running into each other in the supermarket] Hi, how are you?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: How are you is more the point
Carmela: I'm running around crazy here: my son was supposed to get coffee but he told the maid to, it's the one thing I have to have. I got your note, it was so thoughtful
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I've been calling the hospital and they say Anthony is stabilized
Carmela: That's what they say
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: If you or anyone needs anything, to talk or to run winterference with the doctors, don't hesitate to call
Carmela: I appreciate that, I have plenty of people around I can talk to
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Of course, good luck

Carmela: [referring to seeing, Patsy, Benny meeting with Angie in her office] They were doing "something" behind closed doors
Rosalie: Angie's putting money "on the street"
Carmela: How do you know?
Rosalie: Angie told me
Carmela: She didn't tell me
Rosalie: Oh, probably because of Tony, maybe he didn't want you to know something like that: Me and my big mouth
Carmela: She's got enough money to do that, huh?
Carmela: [after Roe nods] Well, she's pretty successful with that body shop: our grandmother's did it, those were harder times but God bless, right?
Rosalie: She was one of "us", now it's like she's like one of "them"

Tony: [regarding Father Phil] What you guys do for twelve hours? Play, uh, "Name That Pope"?
Carmela: He gave me communion.
Tony: Oh, I bet he gave you communion.
Carmela: Excuse me?
Tony: Well, Carmela, the guy spends the night here with you and all he does is slip you a wafer?
Carmela: That's verging on sacrilege.
Tony: Oh, I didn't mean to verge.

Carmela: [while in their bedroom] Sometimes I worry about Furio, I mean doesn't he seem lonely? I was telling Jessica about him this morning, you know the hygienist in Dr. Masara's office? I know I shouldn't gossip, but I think she was having an affair with Dr. Masara?
Carmela: [shows him the photo on the card] Here she is: their office Christmas card
Tony: [jokingly] Oh, yeah there's his hand on her ass
Carmela: [takes the card away] stop it. Anyway, I think she's ready for somebody nice and she seemed very receptive when I described Furio to her
Tony: She's not his type
Carmela: Well, what's his type?
Tony: Don't worry about him: stay out of it
Carmela: One date wouldn't hurt
Tony: Why'd you wanna bother? My little Hello Dolly?
Carmela: Speaking of gossip, that noise in the Mercedes, I brought it over to Globe Motors to have it looked at and I was talking to Jerry in the service department, remember that nice saleslady?
Tony: [lying] I don't think so
Carmela: Gloria Trillo? She gave me a ride home that day? You know what Jerry told me about her? She died
Tony: She what?
Carmela: She committed suicide, isn't that awful?
Carmela: [sarcastically, when Tony doesn't reply] Mr. Empathy over there: she hung herself from a chandelier

Tony: [after kissing her on the cheek, noticing something's bothering her] I see this "grey cloud" over your head
Tony: [referring to AJ] Where's "prince Albert"? still sleeping?
Carmela: Who knows? I've been very patient with you because you've been sick: you were gonna talk to the building inspector, my spec house
Tony: Oh, yeah. I sent Little Paulie, he made some "headway" with the... supervisor but the other guy, the inspector, his a "piece of work." Next time, I'll get Sil on it

Carmela: [while in the hospital cafeteria] I hear Sil is at Barnabas? My God, what is happening to us around here?
Vito: Sil's gonna be fine: you have enough worries. Listen, sweetheart, I know your expecting "something" and I can't get into specifics, Tony wouldn't want me to but there are certain people looking over our shoulder right now
Carmela: It's ok, I'm not expecting anything", money's not an issue. Like you said, I've got bigger worries, like this son of mine
Vito: You gotta trust me on this Hun, "suspicions" get raised, if I were to "move it" to you at this moment
Vito: [referring to paying for her breakfast] I got this

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: and the family's well?
Carmela: honestly, I'm a little concerned about our daughter
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: what's the problem?
Carmela: she's dating a boy... the son of some friends of the family actually
Tony: [to Melfi] I think I mentioned him to you. I don't know, I guess I'm not as "optimistic" as I once was
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: she was dating a different boy, a young African American man?
Carmela: they broke up, actually, he broke it off with her
Tony: [to Melfi] believe that?
Carmela: well, you didn't exactly give him much choice Tony
Tony: oh, so now I'm responsible for her being with Jackie?
Carmela: I'm just saying if you hadn't been so mean to him, who knows? Maybe she might not be with this one
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [when Tony doesn't respond] I find it very interesting that your able to talk about this without ranker
Carmela: actually, we haven't been arguing as much lately
Tony: it's the therapy, we're learning how to communicate

Meadow: So, I've been thinking about getting a car
Tony: I knew I was going to get hit up for something on this trip
Meadow: What? You can spend thousands on sapphires but a hard working student has to take the bus everywhere?
Tony: You live a block away the school, what'd you need a car for?
Meadow: It'd be nice to hop in a car to have dinner with you guys once in a while
Carmela: They steal cars left and right in New York: parking is impossible besides the bus gets you here in forty-five minutes
Meadow: I'm not asking for anything fancy, just something to get me around
Tony: You could've had a car last year but you chose not to take it
Meadow: Eric's car. Is that a sick joke? It may interest you to know his father is now in a mental health facility in Nevada
Carmela: Why don't you wait and see how this semester goes? You were just complaining on how there's so much work you had to do. Don't you think you should concentrate on that?
Meadow: I am concentrating, what the hell do you think I am? Jesus Christ you sound like a broken record
Tony: Hey!
Carmela: Keep it down a notch. We just want to make sure your taking advantage all the city has to offer you. Culturally, socially, and educationally

Carmela: [referring to Furio] His mother was coming: he was so excited, we had a "date" to go to Color Tile
Rosalie: [confused] "Date?"
Carmela: To look at tiles for his mother's apartment, no phone call? No note? I know I sound foolish
Rosalie: No, you don't, honey
Carmela: When I ran into Darlene at church, it felt like somebody punched me in the stomach, I almost threw up the sacrament. What am I gonna do?
Rosalie: What's there to do? A couple of months, you'll forget all about him
Carmela: I don't know if I can
Rosalie: You don't think Tony said "something" to him, do you?

Carmela: [referring to having sex with Tony after her father's seventy fifth birthday party] Then he fell asleep right after. He did call me late the next morning: he sent flowers, but other than that, I haven't heard from him all week
Gabriella: What'd he say?
Carmela: That it was "nice", he was very sweet actually
Gabriella: So, you think what happened at the party was an overture that he wants to get back together?
Carmela: I don't know, maybe? His dropping AJ off later, this is the last thing I need to get into right now
Gabriella: Please, he never had it so good
Carmela: [after hearing him pull into their driveway] That's him
Gabriella: You two should talk, let me just pee

Carmela: I think you should pay him, Tony
Tony: No fucking way!
Carmela: What, your daughter's future isn't worth 50,000 dollars?
Tony: [refusing to donate money to Meadow's university] That's not it. That motherfucker's full of shit. He's shaking me down
Carmela: No, he's not
Tony: Oh, yeah? Who knows more about extortion, me or you?

Tony: Furio come by?
Carmela: His already forty minutes late
Tony: [referring to his hangover] His probably worse off than me
Carmela: You two go out?
Tony: Can I get a cup of coffee? Where the fuck is he?
Carmela: Was he out with somebody last night?
Tony: He's a single guy: how should I know? Anyway, my memory's a little hazy
Tony: [after smelling the coffee] I'm going back to bed, when he gets here, don't wake me

Principal: Verbum Dei has a strict zero tolerance policy in cases of vandalism. It's a policy that demands the immediate expulsion of the offending student
Tony: [to the principal then to AJ] I told him, you see?
Principal: Having said that in this case after much deliberation and assessment, we have decided on a "suspended sentence." This consideration has only been arrived at upon Anthony's academic performance and his involvement in extracurricular sport
Carmela: His academic performance?
Principal: His brought his GPA up to a C...
Tony: So, what is the punishment?
Principal: We suggest and hope that Anthony's punishment be meaded out parentally
Carmela: So, it's not exactly "zero tolerance?"
Father: Each child is special: that's the guiding principal of this school too
Tony: What about detention?
Principal: A lawsuit a few years back forced us to eliminate our detention program
Tony: Well, his off the football team right?
Father: No
Principal: Studies done at Harvard and elsewhere have shown that boys have greater success in avoiding the pitfalls of adolescent when committed to and involved in sport
Tony: [to AJ] You better wipe that smile off your face
Tony: Look, I told him his going to be off the team. Now aren't you kind of...
Carmela: [Interrupts him] undermining...
Father: [Interrupts her] It's not only skill that Anthony has shown on the field, it's also leadership qualities as well. We feel that it'll be against his best interests and the team's to sever his relationship with the squad
Tony: Well, if you think that's best
Principal: However, and I can't this strong enough, if there is one more infraction of our code, the sentence will be immediately go into effect and Anthony will be expelled
Principal: [Leans forward] do you understand this Anthony?
A.J. Soprano: Yes

Officer: [referring to the bear that wandered onto the Soprano property] this could be the same one from Willow Drive
Carmela: God, the most densely populated state and still this
Officer: his gone: he went through your neighbor's garbage though, the Callshanks
Carmela: it's been going on all over. If my son had been alone...
Officer: you're not gonna want to put your trash cans out until as close to pick up time as possible
Carmela: [to AJ] you hear that?
Officer: also, put Ammonia or bleach on the container and on the lid, I posted a notice to your neighbors
Officer: if it had been a Category Two, injury or serious property damage, we could set traps but not for this
A.J. Soprano: [to his mother] you should've "busted a cap in his ass" with dad's rifle
Officer: it's illegal to discharge firearms within the borough limits son
A.J. Soprano: [to his mother] your gonna call dad, aren't you?
Carmela: no
Officer: [before giving her their contact information] a great percentage of them don't come back. If he does, call us
Officer: oh, is your bird feed back there?
Carmela: yeah, duck food: my husband's
Officer: it's probably what attracted the animal. See, the corn's become damp and aromatic: your gonna want to tell your husband to put it inside
Carmela: right

Rosalie: I'd like to make a toast: the blossoming friendship between our two children. I'm very happy to see my son spending time with someone like Meadow: she'll be a wonderful influence on him. You did a great job
Carmela: Thank you, solute
Rosalie: It's nice to see our families unite, isn't it? Like with Ralphie, he goes and on about Tony and the promotion, his really happy getting close to him
Carmela: Ralph is a "real find", you hang onto him
Rosalie: It was tough at first, I was afraid everyone was gonna thought I rushed it, that I didn't mourn Jack enough
Carmela: [after Artie walks by their table, not paying attention to them] I think his under a lot of pressure, I heard Charmaine hired a lawyer
Rosalie: Divorce? You know it's funny but you'd think the men in our lives have been... you know and we stay together and here's Artie a regular guy, hardworking and his marriage is in the toilet
Carmela: You can only push a man so far
Rosalie: True, very true

[last lines]
Carmela: What happened to you? Your shoes are soaking wet!

A.J. Soprano: [Referring to damaging Carmella's station wagon] it wasn't my fault
Carmela: You stole my car, where is the trust in this house?
A.J. Soprano: When I get confirmed, I'm going to be a man so how come I can't drive?
Tony: You really want to get into this huh? Who was that "man" we had to pick at camp last year for bed wetting?
A.J. Soprano: That was the year before last
Carmela: You could've killed those girls
A.J. Soprano: That would've been interesting
Carmela: What? What'd you just say?
A.J. Soprano: Death just shows you the ultimate absurdity of life
Tony: What is this? Are you trying to get me to lose my temper? Because I'm about to put you through that God damn window
A.J. Soprano: See? That's what I mean: life is absurd
Carmela: Don't say that God forgive you
A.J. Soprano: There is no God
Carmela: Where is this coming from?
Tony: What'd they teach you this crap at school?
Carmela: Is this the new English teacher Mr. Clark..?Where is he from?
Meadow: [after AJ remains silent, while walking into the kitchen] Oberland. You want him to read something other than Hustler? Hello? He got assigned a stranger. You want him to be an educated person? What'd you think education is? You just make more money? This is education
A.J. Soprano: Do you ever think like why were we born?
Meadow: Madame de Staël said "In life, one must choose between boredom and suffering."
Tony: [to Meadow] Go to your room
A.J. Soprano: No, I'm serious why were we born?
Carmela: We were born because of Adam and Eve, that's why. Now go upstairs and do your math
Meadow: Algebra? That's the most boring
Tony: Well, your other choice is suffering, you want to start now? Move your ass!

Tony: [in their safe house] How many fucking times I've told you it's an SUV watch where you park off road the Cadillac converter and the dry vegetation
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: I didn't see the leaves
Tony: [shouting at AJ] You can grill fucking steaks on that converter, I told you!
Carmela: If there was children playing in those leaves, you'd run them over?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: [confused] I guess?
Tony: You're going to get cute now?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: I was just answering her question
Meadow: [trying to defend AJ] Dad, he wasn't being funny
Tony: You mind your own God damn business, unless you want some of this too
Meadow: [Meadow leaves the room] Mr. Fat mouth
Tony: [shouting to Meadow] What'd you say?
Carmela: What was going through your mind?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: What do you want from me? I am depressed, I'm supposed to be looking for piles of leaves?
Tony: You want to get depressed? Thirty thousand dollars for that car
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Isn't that what we have insurance for?
Carmela: Excuse me? You're not getting another one
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Actually that's good it'll force me to take the bus
Carmela: What?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: We have to break our dependence on foreign oil

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: get any sleep?
Carmela: couldn't
Carmela: [referring to the house they intend to buy on the Jersey Shore] we have absolutely no business getting into something like that house with AJ two years away from college
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [referring to the person he was just talking to over the phone] that was Virginia Lupo: she hasn't heard from the owner, I guess that deal's not gonna go through?
Carmela: I wonder who they are?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [angrily, after opening the Chinese takeout container] mother fuckin God damn orange peel beef!
Carmela: well, call them up, you got me the plain soup, right?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: we'll be finished eating the rest of this shit by the time he gets back
Carmela: you have to go through the order while their still here
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: what "good" does that do? They still gotta get it and come back again
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: [while entering the kitchen] what happened?
Carmela: they left out part of the order
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: call them up
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: just sit down and eat
Carmela: some things aren't meant to be
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: what're we talking about?
Carmela: I was thinking about buying your mother a house down the shore
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: un-fuckin believable
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.,36355: [chastising him for cursing] hey!
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: would we have a gym?
Carmela: it's the shore, wouldn't you want to be outdoors?
Carmela: [to AJ] forget that, your fined three dollars for the "F-word"
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: I heard dad say "mother F" when I was coming down the stairs
Carmela: his fined too, we're gonna make this policy work
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: it's too late

Carmela: [Carmela enters Meadow's room] Miss Hunter, long time no see, oh my God when was it?
Hunter: [they shake hands] How are you Mrs. Soprano?
Carmela: It was right around when you "quit college"
Hunter: Your being kind I was kicked out for partying and drunk driving
Carmela: I didn't want to say but that was always you, so what are you up to now?
Hunter: I'm in my second year of med school
Carmela: [Surprised] oh
Hunter: Yeah I completed under grad at Purchase got my act together

Carmela: Jackie Junior took her into the city to see, "Aida".
Tony: I ate her?

Gabriella: [to Carmela] Really, though, how dare he? After all you've done for this parish!
Carmela: [resigned] What are you gonna do?
Gabriella: [after a long pause] Well, I'm gonna cut him a new one.

Tony: [while going through their refrigerator, referring to Janice] can she put anymore gook food in here?
Carmela: It's not that much
Tony: Soy milk this, tofu that: I hate all that shit
A.J. Soprano: Yeah me too
Meadow: [to AJ] shut up you said you liked the soy milk
A.J. Soprano: I lied, she was taking me to the video store
Meadow: I'm happy aunt Parvati is gonna stay
Tony: Oh, you mean the aunt that doesn't think you get punished enough?
Meadow: [raises her voice] that party wasn't my fault, how many fucking times do I have to say it?
Tony: [surprised by her outburst] Whoa!
Carmela: [chastising her for cursing] hey!
Carmela: [to Meadow] don't look like your gonna cry, you made your bed
Meadow: I need fifteen dollars
Carmela: Excuse me?
Meadow: The Cole Porter CD: it's for Magicals, we're doing three of their songs. You took my card remember?
Tony: [When she doesn't say anything after he gives her the money] what's your problem?
Meadow: [before leaving] nothing

Carmela: This is such a crock of shit. I'm sitting here thinking I should protect my children from the truth about their grandmother on the one hand, on the other I'm saying to myself what kind of example am I setting? Evading and smiling and passing out cheese puffs over a woman we know was terribly dysfunctional who spread no cheer at all.
Hugh: [to Mary] I'll speak if I want to, who do you think you are? Minister of propaganda? We suffered for years under the guilt of that woman, years she estranged us from our own daughter ruined how many Goddamn Christmases I don't even want to count
Tom: Hear hear.
Carmela: From beyond the grave even, this is a woman who didn't want a funeral, you all her children
[pointing to Tony Janice and Barbara]
Carmela: ignored her wishes only after she passed away by the way she didn't want a funeral, she didn't a remembrance of any kind why? She didn't think anybody would come she wouldn't write down her memories for her grandchildren because she figured nobody loved her enough to read them because she knew there was a problem

Carmela: The real reason I stopped by to see you was to make sure you've recovered from this Noah thing. I'm worried it'll affect your grades.
Meadow: You call losing a wonderful man because of Dad a thing?
Carmela: Is that really what happened? Because you certainly kept seeing him long after that business with your father.
Meadow: Look, don't drag me into whatever bullshit accommodational pretense you've got worked out with Daddy.
Carmela: What was that, last night's reading assignment?

Carmela: [while bringing him a cup of coffee] here, I made it with a lot of milk and sugar: it's a lot more comforting that way
Carmela: [seeing him upset, rubbing his shoulder] you sure you don't want some eggs or an English muffin, or something? You're coming back?
Furio: I hope so: Immigration, they make problems
Carmela: maybe Tony can help with that?
Furio: yeah
Tony: [after coming down the stairs] the hell you still doing here? I thought you were flying out to Naples?
Furio: I just drop off the shirts from Patsy's guy
Tony: alright, but you should be on your way to see your old man
Furio: Cancer is everywhere in his body: cancer don't respect nothing. You know it started in his lungs...
Tony: [interrupts him, hands him a roll of cash] you need any money?
Furio: I'm good
Carmela: [to Furio] Please call and let us know
Furio: [to Tony] I'm sorry, your gonna have to get someone else to drive you tonight
Tony: Not a problem: go

Carmela: [Confronting Christopher at his intervention] I know you were high at my mother-in-law's wake.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: My mudda's wake!

Samantha: [while the realtor shows the inside of Tony's mother's house after it's been vandalized] I can't show it in this condition
Tony: What the hell is this?
Samantha: There's a high school up the street
Samantha: [Pointing to the stain on the wall caused by the water damage as Tony and Carmella look] a sink was left on upstairs: you don't even want to see the toilets
Samantha: [after her cell phone rings and walks away to answer it] oh, excuse me
Tony: [as he walks over to a broken window] wait until I catch the kids that did this: break a few windows, they think their Johnny badass. The fuckin jackals
Carmela: Will you stop, please? Your sister Barbara and the kids are coming down. You better not be in this mood, and I need you to pick up sausage
Tony: [Irritated] yeah, yeah, yeah, how many pounds? Hot or sweet?
Carmela: Don't you act like it's a chore: this party was your idea, you said you were happy Janice was home, and my parents are coming
Tony: [Referring to his mother, surprised] oh, really? What? Now that the dragon lady is gone they'll dwang to set foot in our house?
Carmela: She said some horrible things to them over the years
Tony: I'm not defending her, she's dead to me
Carmela: I'm telling you, you, mope your way through this, I'll cut your throat
Tony: What're you talking about mope? I've been in a great mood lately
Carmela: [doubting him] right, I think you need to start therapy again, you're self-medicating, we haven't had sex since...
Tony: [interrupts her] you forget it: no therapy
Samantha: [walks over to them after finishing her call, to Tony] you should really take a look at what they did to your mother's bedroom

Carmela: [while looking at the suit their bringing Tony in jail who was recently arrested for a gun charge] Oh, God damn it AJ, there's tomato sauce all over these pants, I asked for the brown suit in the dry-cleaning bag!
A.J. Soprano: Well, the light didn't go on in your closet
Carmela: Stop it, will you please?
Meadow: [to Carmela while driving, when they watched Tony get arrested] That show of force, was that all about humiliating dad?

Kelli: [while having dinner] I used to love that house, but now... it's so big, especially at night
Tony: You know if you're afraid, all you gotta do is call, aright? Two minutes, I'll be over
Kelli: [to him and Carmela] I know, you've been so great: both of you
Carmela: Meadow had another mystery date
Kelli: That sounds exciting
Tony: [to AJ] What're you doing? Sit
Carmela: I made your favorite: Steak Pizzaiola
Anthony: You know they spray virus on beef, rather than clean out the rat shit out of the slaughter houses?
Carmela: [surprised] What is this now?
Tony: [irritated] Jesus Christ
Anthony: It's true, read the paper
Tony: I do read the paper: never heard that
Anthony: I'm not talking about the sports page and the FDA, they approved a virus spray because it kills a similar bacteria found on meat
Tony: Must be a good thing then?
Anthony: Yeah, for the meatpackers: the fucking God and the bottom line
Tony: [gestures to Kelli and Caitlin, referring to Christopher's death] That's enough, we're trying to eat here and your upsetting people that been through a tragedy
Anthony: Fine, bury your head in the sand
Tony: [angrily] How about I bury your head in that fuckin wall instead?
Carmela: Tony...
Tony: [yells to AJ as AJ walks away, referring to AJ's lack of academic discipline, sarcastically] Twenty years he won't crack a book, all of a sudden, he's the world's foremost authority!
Carmela: Well, at least his getting an education
Tony: An education is getting a better job
Carmela: His actually reading: this can't be bad

Tony: Had some good times. Had some good years?
Carmela: Here he goes now with the nostalgia.
Tony: Hey, all I'm saying is no marriage is perfect.
Carmela: Well, having that comare on the side helps.
Tony: I told you I'm not seeing her anymore. How do you think I feel, having that priest around all the time?
Carmela: Don't even go there, alright? Father is a spiritual mentor. He's helping me to be a better Catholic.
Tony: Yeah, well we all got different needs.
Carmela: What's different between you and me is you're going to Hell when you die!

Carmela: Do you remember Angie Bonpensiero?
Janice: Angie Belfiore, married Sal Bonpensiero.
Carmela: Right, she's thinking of divorcing him.
Janice: Halle-fucking-lujah.
Carmela: Do you know them?
Janice: No, I don't know them, but to be married to a man like that...
Carmela: A man like what?
Janice: The 'tude, and the fucking medieval outlook.
Carmela: He is such an adoring father, though. Three beautiful kids they raised, who are now from a broken home.
Janice: No sons, I hope. Three more of his ilk, we don't need.
Carmela: He is very macho.
Janice: Macho? No. Try swaggering mama's boy, fucking hypocrites, shall we?
Carmela: Is that how you see how your brother?
Janice: I thought we were talking about Angie.
[pregnant pause]
Janice: I mean these OC pricks, especially with their goomahs, and their prostitues. Emotional cripples, and they expect their wives to live like the fucking nuns at Mt. Carmel College.
Carmela: It's not that simple.
Janice: Of course not. Madonna/whore is a full equation, I believe. Clothes, appliances, houses...
Carmela: [taken aback] You are talking about me. About us.
Janice: Carmela, no. I don't know. It's just, a woman of your intelligence, is content to ask so little from life, and from herself.
Carmela: Marriage is a holy sacrament.
Janice: [realizing she went too far] Okay.
Carmela: Family is a sacred institution.
Janice: Roger.
Carmela: And you? Trying to fan the flames with Richie Aprile, of all people? Talk about old school.
Janice: Richie, because of his life experience in prison, has a sensitivity to the plight of women.
Carmela: [amused] Oh, my God! I am not even gonna touch that one, but you had me going there for a while. You really did. Oh Janice, honey, I gotta love ya. Really.
[walks off laughing]

Tony: [asking her if she wants him to pour her wine while holding the bottle over her glass] a simple yes or no will do
Carmela: please
Carmela: [after Tony orders desert and coffee for everyone, to Brian] can I ask you a financial related question?
Tony: come on, the last thing the guy wants to talk about is talk shop.
Janelle: go ahead, ask him anything you want: it's all he likes to talk about
Carmela: it's no big thing, I was just wondering if you had any ideas what Tony and I should do with the "proceeds" from the property we sold in Newark?
Brian: [assuming she's referring to the real estate scam he and Tony were involved in with the Department of Housing and Urban Development] HUD?
Carmela: [confused] what?
Tony: [jokingly, pretending Brian is drunk, covering up for Brian's mistake, referring to the 1963 western] the kid loves Paul Newman movies: no more Grappa for you
Carmela: [to Tony] you know what I'm talking about, uncle Junior's lot over on Frelinghuysen Avenue
Tony: [referring to the money they made from the sale] oh yeah, that, it all went into the trust
Brian: T-bills, I was able to lock you in before the rates dropped

Carmela: want some lunch? I was just about to sit down to a tuna san
Meadow: onions? In the morning?
Carmela: actually, it's two o'clock
Meadow: I'm going out by the pool
Meadow: [after seeing her irritated] what mom?
Carmela: you said you were gonna get up at eight thirty to be at TCBY Yogurt when the manager got there
Meadow: it's like five days before school starts: what's the use of getting a job now?
Carmela: oh, I don't know, a few textbooks you could buy? A pair of socks? Anything that we don't have to supply?
Meadow: look, this whole "thing" about me working between now and the start of classes is all about you being pissed because I didn't intern at the Papermill Playhouse this summer
Carmela: we bought you a car so you could drive back and forth to your internship, you don't feel bad you didn't live up to your end of the deal?
Meadow: Jesus, we've been through this how many times? There was no stage craft credit whatsoever on what they had me doing at the Playhouse. Xeroxing does not count towards a drama minor internship
Carmela: did you call the drama department? Check that out?
Meadow: no, I didn't so can we shitcan the courtroom theatrics?
Carmela: watch your mouth
Meadow: like I haven't been through enough this year? Twelve credits: two semesters in a row and I'm not entitled to a summer?
Carmela: you hardly broke a C your entire second semester
Meadow: [sarcastically] maybe you forgot my ex-boyfriend died?
Carmela: your grades started going down the tubes while you were still going out with Jackie Jr.
Meadow: great, Jesus, did you ever lose a friend at my age? Did you ever have to grieve when you were nineteen?
Carmela: honey, you should've been working this summer, if only to feel good about yourself: get your mind off Jackie instead of laying out by that pool
Meadow: I "read" out by that pool, probably half "The Canon?"
Carmela: [referring to name of the book by Natalie Angier] "The Canon"? Ok, what is that now?
Meadow: the great books? Western literature? Dead White Males? Who even in their reductionism have quite interesting things to say about death and loss. Maybe more interesting things than what you have to say?
Carmela: is Mary Higgins Clark apart of that group? Because that's what I saw you reading every time I passed by the pool. Can you at least go online and register for classes?
Meadow: I will

Carmela: [talking loudly from the kitchen counter] We're not eating at home tonight I thought we'd go to Holsten's
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: [in the living room of the Soprano home] You said we'd have Cannelloni
Carmela: I have meetings with carpenters

Tony: [after Carmella suggested to Tony, he not visit Meadow at college following the incident he had with Noah Tannenbaum, an African American friend of Meadow's] this is about sambo right? I'm paying for that God damn college
Carmela: I don't know what's going on over there but if you want to make a big scene at your daughter's new college, then comb your hair, and come right along: embarrass her, alienate her. Or better yet, cut her off, let her drop out of there and go to a state school, or maybe move back in here
Tony: I was just trying to protect her from "herself" and I'll do that until the day I fuckin die
Carmela: I'm not gonna tell you not to come: she's your daughter
Tony: I'll probably watch the game

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [while they lay in bed, after she turns on the light in the middle of the night] What's going on?
Carmela: [referring to the house they intend to buy on the Jersey Shore] It does seem like a good value, even at that price: waterfront property, in that area, we probably wouldn't hurt as an investment?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You're the one who took real estate classes, didn't you say that a person should look at a house as an investment?
Carmela: I know you, if you don't get the place, you'll sulk, and I'll be the wet blanket
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Sulk? I was sleeping
Carmela: If you want me to sign off, we probably wouldn't lose money but if you wanna go through with it, believe me, that's fine too
Carmela: [after she turns off the lights] If you did, Virginia Lupo's phone number is on the bureau, better to act quickly, you know more is lost by indecision rather than wrong decision is all I'm saying

[after hearing bad news, Tony and Carmela need to relocate hidden money, guns and...]
Tony: All right. You'd better give me your jewelry.
[Carmela sighs with chagrin]
Tony: Hey, they know we can't produce receipts. You want 'em stealing this stuff from us?
[after Carmela removes her necklace, Tony points to her diamond ring and Carmela balks]
Tony: Come on.
Carmela: I'm not giving you my engagement ring. This isn't stolen!
[beat, then frown]
Carmela: Is it?
Tony: No!
[beat]
Tony: What do you think I am?
[Carmela sighs again]

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [while reading through military school brochures during dinner] now this I like, "Highly Structured Environment."
Carmela: Which one is that?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: H.M.I. Hudson Military Institute: "A Second Century of Excellence."
A.J. Soprano: I never said I was going
Carmela: We're just looking honey
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: We're looking, and then your going
Carmela: [Answering the phone when it rang] hello? Oh, hi Marie, no, oh my God. Where's Rosalie?
Marie: She's right here, she can't come to the phone
Carmela: Tell her I'll be there as soon as I can
Carmela: [after hanging up] oh my God
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What is it?
Carmela: Jackie Jr. was shot to death in the Boonton projects by drug dealers.
Carmela: [while running out the kitchen] I'm going over to Rosalie's
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to A.J., after Carmella left, implying this is what happens when teenagers don't apply themselves academically and commit crimes] you see?

Bobby: My pop bought this place 'cause it was close to Canada. He had ties to Montreal. You know, Tone. And his father, my grandpop, come into the country originally through Montreal illegally.
Carmela: No kidding. He wasn't Ellis Island, your grandfather?
Bobby: Nah. Got mixed up in some shenanigans on the other side. Anti-government or somethin'. Had a police record... They oughta build a wall now though. I'm tellin' ya.
[everyone nods]
Carmela: Amen.

Tony: Uncle Jun, how was Boca?
Corrado: Wonderful. I don't go down enough.
Carmela: That's not what I heard.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [as AJ walks down the stairs in a military uniform] oh, Sgt. Bilko
Carmela: [Chastising him for teasing AJ] Tony
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Your right. I'm sorry. You shouldn't get too gloomy about this
Carmela: [Admiring him his appearance] My God Anthony, you know what? You look very handsome
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: She's right. You do
A.J. Soprano: Yeah, right
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Referring to the slang term for the latissimus dorsi muscles] No, I'm serious. Tight suit like that shows off your lats
Carmela: Put on the hat?
A.J. Soprano: No way
Carmela: Please? You look so cute at the store
A.J. Soprano: They're not going to sew the hat
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Put the hat on for your mother
A.J. Soprano: No!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Quickly stands up from the couch] what'd you say?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after AJ put on the hat] Now, look at that. I'm serious you look very impressive
Carmela: My God, if I wasn't already married
A.J. Soprano: [after looking at himself in the mirror] I look like a total jerk-off
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You do not. What're you crying?
A.J. Soprano: I don't want to go there
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You need toughing up
Carmela: [while trying to adjust the bottom of his slacks] stand up straight
A.J. Soprano: I'm standing fuckin straight
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Pointing at him] hey, you keep it up God damn it!

Meadow: What stuff?
Carmela: This gay nonsense their teaching. I am sorry but Billy Budd is not a homosexual book
Meadow: Actually, it is mother
Carmela: I saw the movie Meadow with Terence Stamp
Colin: Terence Stamp was in the Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert
Carmela: I don't know about that but Billy Budd is a story about an innocent sailor being picked on by an evil boss
Meadow: Who's picking on him out of self loathing caused by homosexual feelings in the military context
Carmela: Oh, please
A.J. Soprano: OK
Alessandra: Actually Mrs. Soprano, there's a passage in the book where Melville compares Billy to a statue of Adam before the fall
A.J. Soprano: Really?
Tony: I thought you read it?

Carmela: [before turning on the light] I can't sleep
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after being woken up by her] Somebody call?
Carmela: [referring to AJ] It's not only his a complete stranger to the "truth", his got this "dead streak" in him: It chills me to the bone
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Fuckin spoiled that's all, we gave him too much
Carmela: He went to school with a lot of privileged kids, most of are off in ivy league universities now, doing very well. No, this "something" in him, deep down it's like this big "fuck you" to everything
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I don't know what that's about?
Carmela: You remember the whole "God is dead" business? The day of his confirmation?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Maybe he'll surprise us?
Carmela: [sarcastically] Aren't you the "sunny optimist", when you wanna go to sleep?

Carmela: [while reading the newspaper] this mad cow disease, I think it's terrible the English government didn't tell people sooner
Tony: [Jokingly] they probably didn't want to create a stampede
Carmela: Oh by the way, guess which former medical student is no longer dating Ms. "Queen of Mean"?
Tony: You're kidding? Jackie Jr. and Meadow are finished?
Carmela: [Nodding] frankly I am delighted. Angie Bonpensiero said Kevin told her that Jackie Jr. was smoking marijuana and he was caught cheating on an exam at Rutgers
Tony: Oh gee, that bad?
Carmela: [Referring to Noah Tannenbaum] she would've been better off with that black kid. His got a 4.0 GPA and his moving to India for the U.N. I told you
Tony: I suppose that's my fault
Carmela: [Before answering the phone when it rings] she wasted three months with Jackie Jr.
Carmela: [Over the phone] Hello
Gloria: Mrs. Soprano, Gloria Trillo, Globe Motors
Carmela: Oh course Hi, how are you?
Gloria: I hope I'm not calling you at a bad time but the new E320 just came in and I thought you might want to take a look at it
Carmela: Oh no I don't think so, thank you though. I still have another year on my lease
Gloria: Well, run it by your husband, maybe he'll want to treat you
Carmela: Ok maybe I will. Thank you for calling
Gloria: OK bye, hope to see ya
Carmela: [Before hanging up] bye bye
Carmela: [to Tony] What a nice woman
Tony: Who?
Carmela: Some sales woman from Globe Motors
Tony: What?
Carmela: She wants me to test-drive the new E series wagon and I'm not interested but she was awfully nice to me the other day. She gave me a ride home while they serviced the wagon but I really should hold onto it for another year don't you think?
Tony: Another year, yeah

Carmela: I thought psychiatrists weren't supposed to be judgmental.
Dr. Krakower: Many patients want to be excused for their current predicament because of events that occured in their childhood. That's what psychiatry has become in America. Visit any shopping mall or ethnic pride parade, and witness the results.

Tony: [Walks into the kitchen from the back yard and sees his family waiting for him] what?
Carmela: Your mother died
Tony: You're kidding
Tony: [Surprised] I mean... Jesus Christ
Carmela: Svetlana just called. She said after dinner your mother went upstairs to get ready for bed, when Svetlana came up she thought your mother was asleep
Carmela: [after Tony sits down at the kitchen table, she walks over and holds his hand] Svetlana's waiting for us over there
Tony: She's dead
Meadow: I'm sorry dad, that your mom died
A.J. Soprano: Me too
Tony: Hey, your grandmother loved you, both of you very much

Carmela: What're you doing up?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Snow blower, I told AJ to fix this leak while I was still living at my mother's. What's going on with him? Every time I go by the room, his flopped down on the bed, on the phone
Carmela: I am so sick of nagging him and if he thinks his gonna get into East Stroudsburg state, he is sadly mistaken
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [while looking out the kitchen window into his backyard] Look at this kid out there, the gardener's son, can't ask this one to take out the trash
Carmela: Poverty is a great motivator
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You think we gave AJ too much?
Carmela: No, and you look at Meadow, same house, same everything, she's doing great
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: She takes after you, maybe?
Carmela: Don't do that, his my son too
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well, I got that appointment with his coach today, maybe he's got a clue?

Tony: [referring to Hugh's accident] How's your father?
Carmela: much better: He'll be fine for the party, thank God
Tony: That's good, what party?
Carmela: Seventy fifth birthday, the surprise party we talked about last summer?
Tony: Oh, yeah, that's coming up?
Carmela: Yeah, next Saturday but actually, that's why I wanted to come by, I think it maybe it would be best... easier anyway for both of us if I went at it alone and not have you there?
Tony: Oh, yeah
Carmela: You know my father would love to have you there, you know? His crazy about your sausages and all the rest of it but I thought that's why it would put "us" and people in a "uncomfortable" situation?
Tony: I decided when I woke up that I wasn't coming
Carmela: Really? I'm so glad you understand: it was hard for me to come to this decision let alone tell you
Tony: [while taking money out] I'd like to contribute anyway
Carmela: No, mom and I are taking care of it
Tony: For Hugh's seventy fifth? I insist
Carmela: You know, I'd rather see you go back to your therapist
Tony: [angrily] I'd like to see you go see a therapist and I'm not the only one
Carmela: Oh, really? Well, you can tell them all that I can't afford it
Tony: Well, it's really not your "business" anymore whether I go or what

Carmela: Two weeks ago? Why didn't you say anything? Did you report it at least?
Meadow: Who? The rent-a-cops? Campus security is a joke
Carmela: Don't you think they should know they have a thief "preying" on the school?
Tony: [after entering the kitchen] Who? What're you talking about?
Meadow: [avoiding to involve him in their conversation] Nothing
Carmela: Her bike was stolen outside the library two weeks ago
Tony: The ten-speed? Did you lock it up?
Meadow: They used bolt cutters
Carmela: Some black guy from the neighborhood: one of the other kids saw him
Meadow: [irritated, noticing Tony smiling] What?
Tony: Did I say anything?
Tony: [while pouring himself a cup of orange juice, sarcastically] A black guy, imagine that
Carmela: [implying to him not to start an argument with Meadow after the incident between Tony and Meadow's African American boyfriend] Tony...
Tony: [sarcastically] You know, I can't believe it
Meadow: I'm not listening to this shit
Tony: Why don't you just admit it? You're thinking exactly what I'm thinking
Carmela: Tony, what did I say?
Tony: What is it my fault, you're twice as likely to get robbed by a black?
Meadow: [angrily] That is so fucking racist
Tony: It happens to be a fact
Meadow: [referring to the former Grand Wizard of the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan] Or who? David Duke?
Tony: No, try the FBI, I saw it on TV
Meadow: Oh, so now you're quoting the FBI?
Tony: I'm just telling you what I heard
Carmela: Tony, stop, now
Tony: Why?
Meadow: For your information, crime is an economic issue: not a racial one. White or African American, you're more likely to steal if you're in a lower income bracket which most African Americans are
Tony: Good, then next time, you'll feel better when the next one takes your car stereo
Meadow: [raises her voice] You are such a hypocrite
Tony: [raises his voice] This is what I've been trying to tell you all along: stay with your own people

Tony: [referring to the bear coming onto their property] Why didn't you tell me this when it first happened?
Carmela: I called the cops: they called Fish and Game
Tony: What're you trying to prove your independent? This isn't Little House on the Prairie, those things are dangerous
Carmela: the "ranger", or whatever said it was your duck food that attracted it
Tony: I never heard of it happening before
Carmela: [jokingly] "Trapper Joe" over here

Larry: Oh, Mama Livia. Come sta, darling?
Livia: Listen to him with that 'my darling'. I am nobody's darling.
Larry: [to Tony] This one here, she never disappoints, I tell ya that.
Livia: Are you still seeing your other women, Lorenzo?
Carmela: [pulls her away] Come on, Ma. Let's mingle.
Tony: Sorry. The older she gets the worse she gets.

Carmela: [after meeting with AJ's principle and football coach to discuss his punishment for vandalizing the swimming pool] you completely sold us out in there
Tony: what'd I do?
Carmela: they're not punishing him at all and you went right along with it
Tony: I suggested detention
Carmela: that whole "thing" was a disgusting charade so the freshman football team can win the big game
Tony: we've been waiting for years for him to get off the couch, this is good for him
Carmela: oh, please
Tony: we should keep this in the family: punish him at home, he ain't getting off that easy

Carmela: You have options. I have an attorney.

Carmela: How are you? Everything ok?
Tony: [Showing her his school assignment] AJ left this in his room. I thought he might need it to turn in
Carmela: [after reading the name on the paper] did you even look at this? Who the hell is Anne Dunmn?
Tony: How should I know?
Carmela: Well, she's obviously some girl who was an expert on Lord of the Flies three years ago. This is an A+ paper
Tony: Since when do you eat duck?
Carmela: I can't believe he would do this
Tony: Neither could I, considering how tight he is with money
Carmela: That's not what I meant. What? You think he bought this? God damn it
Carmela: [after answering the phone] hello?
Robert: I was just laying here thinking about you. What're you wearing?
Carmela: [Trying to hide her affair with AJ's teacher from Tony by talking casually] yes hello Mr. Wegler, I'm afraid now's not a good time
Robert: I'm serious, I want to know
Carmela: [Attempting to end the conversation] Well yes thank you very much. I will make sure he brings it in, ok goodbye Mr. Wegler
Robert: I made reservation at that crab place down by the shore: dinner and a little night swimming
Carmela: [Before hanging up] Right, ok thank you
Tony: What'd that fag want?
Carmela: Jesus Christ Tony, everybody's a fag to you. Maybe your a fag? You ever think about that?
Tony: Could I help it if I know one when I see one?
Carmela: Oh really? What're the signs? Education? Culture?
Tony: Suckin a guy's cock usually tips me off
Carmela: How do you know who sucks whose cock? What? You got a little secret? And what'd you care if somebody's gay? Must be some big fear of yours or you wouldn't talk about it so much

Peter: He often has difficulty waiting his turn, is often quote unquote, "on the go" or acts if driven by a motor. Often interrupts or intrudes on others. And often fidgets with hands or feet.
Tony: He fidgets with hands or feet?
Peter: That's right.
Tony: You mean, like, he fidgets?
Peter: Uh-huh.
Tony: And that's a sickness, to fidget?
Peter: Mr. Soprano, it's one of nine possible symptoms.
Tony: What constitutes a fidget?
Carmela: Tony...
Tony: No, no, what constitutes a fidget? I mean, so what if he fidgets? He's in school. Who doesn't fidget in school? And he doesn't wait his turn? The kid's in puberty, he gets a hard-on every ten minutes, for chrissake.

Carmela: And I thought he was changing. I thought therapy was gonna help clear up the f*' freak show in his head.
Father: Carmela, I'm sure you're wrong about them. Therapy is a start. A good start. But, yes, it doesn't fix the soul. He's gonna need help from other sources to repair that.
Carmela: Well, then you talk to him. You help him.
Father: But, well, there you go. Will he listen.

A.J. Soprano: What's going on?
Carmela: You are just getting back?
A.J. Soprano: Matt's car wouldn't start
Carmela: Did you eat at least?
A.J. Soprano: Yeah
Meadow: Dad's not so good right now, they made us leave
Silvio: What's the latest?
Carmela: He came out of the coma for a minute, they took the breathing tube out
Silvio: That's good right? That means his breathing on his own
Carmela: They had to put the tubes back in
Vito: God damn Junior
A.J. Soprano: [Unintentionally speaking in the third person as a method of coping with his father having been shot] Anthony Soprano is not going to die. I don't know what everybody's talking about
Carmela: Nobody's saying his going to die
Carmela: [to Christopher, Paulie and Vito, referring to AJ and Meadow] could one of you take them home please?
Christopher: You can't live in this ICU Carmela, two nights straight is too much
Carmela: I'm ok, Mead spelled me last night
Meadow: I'm staying tonight too
Carmela: [to AJ] I want you to go back, people call the house. We need somebody there

Carmela: [after telling him to hang up the phone in his room, referring to his college applications] I don't know what to say, you know? Those applications are late, you are cooked it's that simple and I do know this because I have raised you from day one, you are not gonna like working at MacDonald's
A.J. Soprano: Could you amp up the drama a little?
Carmela: You know what? I don't like sarcasm and I don't want you around next year sponging off of us so fine, I am withholding your allowance until all of those applications are done
A.J. Soprano: That's not even practical and you know it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after hearing them argue and entering the room, to Carmela] What's the matter?
Carmela: He hasn't done his applications: he isn't getting allowance
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [sternly to AJ] no allowance
A.J. Soprano: Actually, I have three hundred dollars of my own money
Carmela: How?
A.J. Soprano: Me and Matt put on a party: five dollars a person, made six hundred bucks after expenses
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [confused] What expenses?
A.J. Soprano: The band
Carmela: Is that what you've been on the phone about these last two weeks?
A.J. Soprano: It may interest you to know, people said it was the best party all year
Carmela: There was drinking there, I suppose?
A.J. Soprano: We just let people into Matt's house, what they brought with them was not under our control
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [ignoring his explanation] Do your applications... now

Carmela: He's a good man. He's a good father.
Dr. Krakower: You tell me he's a depressed criminal, prone to anger, serially unfaithful. Is that your definition of a good man?... You must trust your initial impulse and consider leaving him. You'll never be able to feel good about yourself. You'll never be able to quell the feelings of guilt and shame that you talked about, so long as you're his accomplice.
Carmela: You're wrong about the accomplice part, though.
Dr. Krakower: You sure?
Carmela: All I did was make sure he's got clean clothes in his closet and dinner on his table.
Dr. Krakower: So "enable" would be a more accurate job description for what you do than "accomplice". My apologies... Take only the children - what's left of them - and go.
Carmela: My priest said I should work with him, help him to become a better man.
Dr. Krakower: How's that going?

Carmela: [referring to their daughter's main choice on where to go to college] What is this obsession with Berkley? What? Is she trying to get away from us?
Tony: Absolutely: that's her job
Carmela: Go ahead, laugh. What are you gonna do if she gets into Berkley and not into Notre Dame and Georgetown?
Tony: She's in the National Honor Society for Christ's sake
Carmela: Don't be naïve, please? How do you think Hunter Scangarelo got into Reed College? Her uncle. That's how, him and his wife are graduates
Tony: That little freak show isn't gonna get into college anyway
Carmela: Second Baby Boom: grades, great SAT scores, it's not enough anymore, it's all who you know and how many buildings you give
Tony: What'd you want me to do, huh?

Carmela: [in prayer for Christopher's life] Gentle and merciful Lord Jesus, I want to speak to you now with an open heart, with an honest heart. Tonight I ask you to take my sins and the sins of my family into your merciful heart. We have chosen this life in full awareness of the consequences of our sins. I know that Christopher's life is in your hands... and his fate is your will. I ask you humbly to spare him. And if it is your will to spare him, I ask that you deliver him from blindness and grant him vision. And through this vision may he see your love... and gain the strength to carry on in service to your mercy. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.