50 Best National Lampoon's Vacation Quotes

Clark: Aah, what d'ya say honey? Ohh. Despite all the little problems, it really is fun isn't it?
Ellen: No. But with every new day there's fresh hope.

Clark: I think you're all fucked in the head. We're ten hours from the fuckin' fun park and you want to bail out! Well I'll tell you something, this is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. It's a quest for fun! I'm gonna have fun, and you're gonna have fun. We're all gonna have so much fuckin' fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles! You'll be whistling 'Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah' out of your assholes! Hahaha. I gotta be crazy, I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose! Praise Marty Moose! Holy shit!
Rusty: [grabs Clark's shoulder] Dad, you want an aspirin or somethin'?
Clark: ...DON'T TOUCH!

Clark: Real tomato ketchup, Eddie?
Cousin: Oh, nothing but the best.

Ellen: We're not really violent people. This is our first gun.
Clark: No, it isn't.

Ellen: Stay in the car! It's hot and dangerous out here.
Aunt: Don't you tell me what to do, I'll do what I want! I should never have come on this trip with you, I should have taken an airplane... and he...
[pointing to Clark]
Aunt: He shouldn't even have a license to drive an automobile! He should be BEHIND BARS!
Ellen: SIT down and SHUT UP! Move outta that seat and I'll split your lip!

Rusty: Hey, ya' got Pac Man?
Cousin: No.
Rusty: Ya' got Space Invaders?
Cousin: Nope.
Rusty: Ya' got Asteroids?
Cousin: Naw, but my dad does. Can't even sit on the toilet some days.

[Delivering the eulogy for Aunt Edna, flatly]
Clark: O God, ease our suffering in this, our moment of great dispair. Yea, admit this good and decent woman into thine arms in the flock in thine heavenly area, up there. And Moab, he laid its down by the band of the Canaanites, and yea, though the Hindus speak of karma, I implore you: give her... give her a break.
Ellen: Clark... Clark... This is a serious matter. I'll do it myself.
Clark: Honey, I'm not an ordained minister; I'm doing my best, OK?

Clark: Excuse me, could you please tell me how to get back on the express way?
Pimp: Fuck yo mama!
Clark: Thank you very much.

Cousin: [to Rusty] Do you ever "bop your baloney"?

Cousin: I'm going steady, and I French kiss.
Audrey: So? Everybody does that.
Cousin: Yeah, but Daddy says I'm the best at it.

[Clark has just been pulled over by a Colorado motorcycle cop]
Clark: Hi officer, what's the problem?
Motorcycle: Get out of the car!
[Clark exits from the car]
Clark: I don't think I was speeding. Was I weaving or something?
Motorcycle: Shut your mouth, sir! You know, if I weren't in uniform, I'd split your skull with the butt of this revolver faster than you can say, "police brutality!"
Clark: Well whatever I did, I'm sure I can explain...
[the motorcycle cop forcibily takes Clark by the arm and leads him to the rear of the car, which has a dog leash still tied to it]
Motorcycle: Explain this, you son-of-a-bitch!
Clark: Oh my God...

Clark: Oh, you can't think I'd do this on purpose? Look... I tied him to the rear bumper while I was packing the car. It was very confusing. I must have forgot. I'm very sorry, I feel terrible.
Motorcycle: How do you think that little dog feels?
Clark: Look, I told you I was sorry. It really was an accident.
Motorcycle: Well, I guess I can buy that, sir. But it is a shame. I had a pooch like this when I was a kid.
[both Clark and the motorcycle cop sorrowfully look at the empty road behind them]
Motorcycle: Poor little guy. Probably kept up with you for a mile or so.
[tearing up]
Motorcycle: Tough little mutt...

Roy: Well, somebody better explain, or there'll, uh... there'll be a lot of explaining to do.

Clark: I'm making this out for one thousand dollars. All you have to do is give me 300 dollars in cash and keep 700 dollars, all for doing nothing more than acting like a total creep.

Lasky,: Sorry folks, park's closed. Moose out front shoulda told ya.

Aunt: Why don't you just ask him for the money, Eddie? He sure as Hell can't take a hint.
Cousin: Well, I didn't want to ask you, Clark, you know, but could you maybe spare a little extra cash?
Clark: Sure, Eddie, how much do you need?
Cousin: About $52,000.

Ellen: Clark, let's just skip the house of mud. I think Dodge City was enough fun for one day. Besides, Catherine and Eddie are expecting us.
Clark: It's living history Ellen. But if you'd rather see your cousins. Personally I'd rather see a pile of mud than Eddie.

Cousin: I don't know why they call this stuff hamburger helper. It does just fine by itself, huh? I like it better than tuna helper myself, don't you, Clark?
Clark: You're the gourmet around here, Eddie.

Audrey: [Looking at Vicki's trophy for hog raising] Uh, don't take this personally, Vicki; but being a farmer isn't too cool you know.
Cousin: Oh, yeah? Well, how cool is this?
[Reaches under her bed and pulls out a shoebox full of marijuana]

Ellen: Lord, we loved this woman with all our heart.
Audrey: Let's not overdo it, mom.
Ellen: Shut up.

[In the middle of a desert. Clark is going crazy as he trots through the hills. Two native Americans on horses watch him]
Clark: We pass a damn gas station every hundred yards for a thousand miles, but when you really need one, you end up walking your ass off. This is no way to run a desert!
[Coughs and continues to rant]
Cowboy: What an asshole.

Rusty: Is that a real gun, Mom?
Ellen: I don't know, Rusty, but when this is all over, your father... may be going away for a little while.

Lasky,: Rusty, may I call you Rusty? I had a bad experience on this ride once.
Rusty: What happened?
Lasky,: I threw up.

Clark: I've spent the last 15 years of my life developing newer and better food additives. I guess I've missed an awful lot. At first, I didn't want to take this vacation. But, now I'm glad I did. It's given me a chance to spend a lot more time with you and... uh...
Rusty: Audrey.
Clark: Audrey, yeah.

Clark: [talking about Aunt Edna] She can't weigh more than 100 pounds.
Ellen: Oh, no. You can't just put her on the roof.
Audrey: Yes, he can!
Clark: You want me to strap her to the hood? She'll be fine. It's not as if it's going to rain or something.

Lasky,: Has your father ever killed anyone?
Rusty: Just a dog. Oh and my Aunt Edna.
Clark: Hey you can't prove that Russ.

Clark: I don't give a frog's fat ass who went through what. We need money! Hey, Russ, wanna look through Aunt Edna's purse?

[Clark punches the Marty Moose statue]
Ellen: Clark, what are you doing?
Clark: We watch his program... We buy his toys, we go to his movies... he owes us. Doesn't he owe us, huh? He owes the Griswolds, right? Fucking-A right he owes us!
Ellen: Clark, you're scaring me.
Clark: DON'T BE SCARED! I think that someone just owes us an explanation that's all!

Aunt: I was afraid you'd get pulled over, Clark. You've been exeeding the speed limit for thousands of miles!
Rusty: Dad wasn't speeding. The cop stopped us because Dad forgot to...
Ellen: He was speeding, Rusty!
Rusty: No he wasn't, Mom. He...
Clark: Rusty! Listen to your mother. I was speeding. I was driving like a maniac. We can all be grateful for this man for stopping us. You see kids...
[the motorcycle cop appears at the car window with the dog leash]
Motorcycle: Here's the leash, sir. I'm going back to get the rest of the carcass off the road.

[In Cousin Normy's backyard in the pouring rain]
Ellen: We can't leave her on the patio!
Clark: Would you rather I slipped her in the night deposit box at the funeral home?

Clark: Why aren't we flying? Because getting there is half the fun. You know that.

Clark: We're from out of town.
Man: No shit.

Ellen: The next time you have one of your outbursts, I'd really appreciate it if you think about the consideration of our kids.
Clark: What are you talking about?
Ellen: You don't know? After everything that happened, you still don't get it?
Clark: I'm just trying to treat my family to a little fun.
Ellen: Oh spare me, Clark! I know your brand of family fun. Tomorrow you'll probably kill the desk clerk, hold up a McDonalds, and drive us 1,000 miles out of the way to see the world's largest pile of mud!

Clark: [to the Dodge City bartender] Hey Knucklehead, set us up with four Red eye's will ya?
[the bartender ignors him]
Clark: Hey Yellabelly, I'm talking to you!
[the bartender glares at Clark]
Clark: Hey Tender foot, move your chicken wings turkey!
[the bartender angrily glares at Clark]
Ellen: Clark, that's not nice.
Clark: Relax, it's all part of the act.
[to the bartender]
Clark: Hey Underpants...
[the bartender pulls out a double-barrled shotgun and shoots Clark!]

Clark: I just want you to ask yourself one thing. If you were... if you were me, wouldn't you do the same thing for your children?
Roy: No.

Clark: This is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy!

Lasky,: That's not a real gun, is it Clark?
Clark: Are you kidding? This is a Magnum P.I.
Lasky,: It's a BB gun!
Clark: Don't tempt me. I could put an eye out with this thing.
Lasky,: You couldn't even break the skin with that thing.

Motorcycle: Do you know what the penalty for animal cruelty is in this state?
Clark: No, sir, I don't.
Motorcycle: Well... it's probably pretty stiff.

Audrey: Mom, where can I go to the bathroom?
Ellen: Find a bush Audrey!

[after driving off the road]
Ellen: I think I broke my nose.
Rusty: I stabbed my brain.
Audrey: I just got my period.

Marty: Sorry, folks! We're closed for two weeks to clean and repair America's favorite family fun park. Sorry, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!

Aunt: Did you tell Clark and Ellen the good news?
Cousin: [nervously] Uh, no; I was just about to.
Ellen: Good news, what good news, Catherine?
Aunt: You're driving me to Phoenix!
[Clark begins choking on his hamburger]

Ellen: This is so dangerous, Clark. We have no business being in a neighborhood like this!
Clark: Oh I don't know, hun. This is a part of America we never get to see.
Ellen: [sarcastic] That's good!
Clark: Uh... no that's bad. We can't just ignore the plight of the inner cities. See the plight kids?
[gunshots are heard and a woman is heard screaming]
Clark: Roll 'em up!

Clark: Could I do your back, honey?
Ellen: I've already done my back.
Clark: Could I do your front?
Ellen: Go do your own front.

Aunt: You're the ones who sent me the fruitcake for Christmas. It made me so sick!
Ellen: Oh - we're sorry. We thought you enjoyed fruitcake.
Aunt: Do you enjoy throwing up every five minutes Claude?
Clark: Clark.
Aunt: I thought so. Whew! Well am I gonna eat, or am I gonna starve to death?

Aunt: Clark, Dinkums needs a long walk and a bath.
Clark: Rusty take care of Dinkums.
Rusty: Dad he bites.
Clark: Bite him back.

[repeated line]
Ellen: Clark, what are you doing?

Rusty: Wow dad, we must have jumped that rail by like 50 yards.
Clark: Nothing to be proud of Russ...
[pauses as Rusty walks away]
Clark: [proudly] ... 50 yards...

Rusty: Dad, this is not the car you ordered!
Clark: Settle down Russ. Let me handle this. Ed, uh... this is not the car I ordered. I distinctly ordered the Antartic Blue Super Sports Wagon with the C.B. and optional rally fun pack.
Ed,: You didn't order the Metallic Pea?
Clark: Metallic Pea?

Ellen: I honestly don't think you're going to find the Grand Canyon on this road.
Clark: Jesus, it's only the biggest damn hole in the world.
Aunt: Clark, watch your language!
Clark: Make that the second biggest.