The Best The Office, Season 1, Episode 4 Quotes

Michael: You know, if I were allergic to dairy, I think I'd kill myself.

Michael: I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that I get no pleasure out of saying the words 'You're fired.' 'You're fired.' 'Fired.' He just makes people sad. And an office can't function that way.

Dwight: Can I trust Jim? I don't know. Do I have a choice? No, frankly, I don't. Will I trust Jim? Yes. Should I trust Jim? You tell me.

Dwight: It's a real shame, 'cause studies have shown that more information is passed through water-cooler gossip than through official memos, which puts me at a disadvantage because...
[picks up water bottle]
Dwight: I bring my own water to work.

Dwight: So, what do you guys hear? What's the scuttlebutt?

Pam: This was tough. I suggested we flip a coin, but Angela said she doesn't like to gamble. Of course, by saying that, she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her.

Michael: Mint chocolate chip!

Phyllis: Well, for decorations, maybe we could - it's stupid, forget it.
Angela: What?
Phyllis: Oh, I was just gonna say maybe we could have streamers, but that's dumb, everybody has streamers. Never mind.
Angela: No, yeah, I think that's a good idea. What color do you guys think?
Phyllis: Well, there's green... blue... yellow... red.
Pam: How about green?
Angela: I think green is kind of whoreish.
[Phyllis is wearing a green sweater]

Jim: At that moment, I was so happy. I mean, everything Dwight does annoys me.
Dwight: [next scene] Did you get your tickets?
Jim: To what?
Dwight: The gun show.
[lifts up his sleeve and kisses his arm]
Jim: [back to interview] And I spend hours thinking of ways to get back at him but only in ways that would get me arrested. And then here he comes and he says, "No, Jim, here's a way."

- How's your nephew?
- Yeah. Isheingoodshape?
- How many miles did he do last year?
- Lastyean he walked 18 miles.
- Son of a bitch.
- That is impressive!
- Good for him.

Michael: No, I'm not going to tell them about the downsizing. As a doctor, you wouldn't tell a patient that they had cancer.

Michael: I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside.
Dwight: She had a hysterectomy.
Michael: Which one is that again?
Dwight: That's when they remove the uterus.
Michael: Oh, God! Dwight, no.

Jim: You are not going to believe this.
Dwight: What? I believe it.
Jim: Well, tensions were high in the kitchen.
Dwight: I could tell from the body language.
Jim: [in the kitchen] That looks good. What is it? Turkey?
Kevin: Italian.
Jim: Oh, Italian. Nice. Wow! You got the works there. Red onion. Provolone...
Kevin: Yeah.
[back outside]
Jim: Toby and Kevin, they're trying to get Angela kicked off.
Dwight: Good. Let 'em. That's fine. It helps our cause.
Jim: Well, I don't know, because if Kevin's in Accounting and Toby's in Human Resources and they're talking...
Dwight: They're forming an alliance.
Toby: [back in kitchen] I love their sandwiches.
Jim: I love their sandwiches too.
Kevin: Their bread's really good.
Jim: Their bread is very good.
Dwight: [back outside] Damn it. God. Gah!
[kicks car and car alarm sounds]
Jim: Okay, listen. We need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance and is therefore trying to get us kicked off.
Dwight: God damn it! Why us?
Jim: Because we're strong, Dwight. Because we're strong!

Dwight: I'm a deer hunter, I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer? They have very good vision. One thing about me? I'm better at hiding than they are at vision.