The Best The Office, Season 2, Episode 2 Quotes

Jim: Hey, what has two thumbs and hates Todd Packer? This guy.

Todd: [pulls Michael's suit jacket over his head] What has two thumbs and likes to bone your mom? This guy!

Michael: A guy goes to a $5 lady of the night and he gets crabs. So the next day, he goes back to complain. And the woman says, "Hey, it was only $5. What did you expect, lobster?" This is what's at stake.

Michael: [regarding the sexual harassment policy] Times have changed a little. And even though we're still a family here at Dunder Mifflin, families grow. And at some point, the daddy can't take a bath with the kids anymore. I am upper management, and it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam. As much as I might want to.
Pam: [cut to Pam] He said what?

Michael: Man, that Todd Packer can do anything.
Jim: [mutters] Except pass that Breathalyzer.

Michael: Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate. So he's really not a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of *his* family.

Michael: I am "King of Forwards." It's how I like to do business. Everybody joking around. We're like "Friends." I am Chandler and Joey. And Pam is Rachel. And Dwight is Kramer.

Dwight: Hey, Toby.
Toby: Hey, Dwight.
Dwight: You said that we could come to you if we had any questions.
Toby: Sure.
Dwight: [pause] Where is the clitoris?
[Toby stares, shocked]
Dwight: On a website, it said, "At the crest of the labia." What does that mean? What does the female vagina look like?
Toby: [talking to the camera] Technically, I am in Human Resources, and Dwight was asking about human anatomy. I'm just sad the public school system failed him so badly.

Michael: Oh, okay. Grade A gossip for you right now. Randall, CFO, resigned. Nobody knows why.
Todd: Are you kidding? Everyone knows why. You don't know? Oh, okay, check this out. All right, so here's the story. So Randall is nailin' his secretary, right, and she is totally incompetent.
Michael: Really? Here we go. Buckle up, it's gonna be a bumpy one!
Todd: We are talkin' "blonde" incompetent, right? Like, uh, ten words a minute. Talking.
Michael: Well, to be fair, blondes, brunettes, you know, there are a lot of dumb people out there.
Todd: They *are* women, right?
Michael: Ohh! Wow! I didn't say it, I didn't say it!
Todd: I said it!
[Todd and Michael laugh maniacally]

Michael: Okay, you are never gonna believe this. The girl in the video we're watching that corporate gave us, Darryl banged her!

Michael: We are a family here, and Phyllis is a valued member of that family. Like a grandmother.
Phyllis: I'm the same age as you, Michael.
Michael: Well, I don't know about that.
Phyllis: We're in the same high school class.

Todd: Where's Michael Snot? Sniffing some dude's thong?

Michael: [questioning the company's sexual harassment policy] What if Pam was a lesbian? What if she brought her "partner" in to work? Would that be crossing the line?
Toby: No.
Michael: What if they made out in front of everybody?
Toby: Well, that would be...
Michael: At home? And I told everybody everything about it?
Toby: Okay, I'm lost.
Michael: Okay. Well, then, let's act it out. Pam, you will be Girl A, and Girl B will be...
[scans the room, but finds no one attractive]
Michael: Okay, we'll use the doll.
[grabs inflatable sex doll]
Michael: Pam? Pam.
[shot of Pam, horrified]

Michael: Stanley, how about that hot picture you have by your desk? Centerfold in the Catholic school girl's outfit? I mean, it is hot, it is sexy, and it turns him on. And I will admit, the best part of my morning is staring at it. But what, are we gonna just take it away?
Stanley: That is my daughter, she goes to Catholic girl's school. I'm taking it down right now.

Darryl: Those are some awful tight pants you have on. Where did you get 'em, like, Queers "R" Us?

Michael: There is no such thing as an appropriate joke. That's why it's a joke.

Todd: What's up, Halpert? Still queer?

Michael: You know what? I love Phyllis. And know what else? I think she is gorgeous. I think she is an incredibly, incredibly attractive person. Come here, give me a kiss, come on.
Phyllis: Michael, come on, you don't have to worry. I'm not gonna report you to HR.
Michael: I'm not... I'm not worried! You know what? The only thing I am worried about is getting a boner.

Ryan: [sees Todd's license plate is "WLHUNG"] You a big William Hung fan?
Todd: Why does everybody ask me that? Who the hell is that?

Michael: I think the old honor system is fine. For example, I have never slept with an employee, and believe me, I could have.
Dwight: Yeah, Meredith.
Michael: No, no. Katherine, remember her? Remember how hot she was? She would have definitely slept with me.
Kevin: She wasn't *that* hot.
Michael: [angrily] Yes, she was; dammit, Kevin!
Michael: Okay. You know, Michael...

Michael: Todd Packer and I are total "BFF." "Best Friends Forever." He and I came up together as salesmen. One time, we were out, and we met this set of twins, and Packer told them that we were brothers.
Michael: And so, you know, one thing led to another, and we brought them back to the motel, and then Packer did both of them. It was awesome.

Michael: Attention, everyone. Hello. Yes, I just want you to know that, this is not my decision, but from here on out, we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here, we must only discuss work-associated things. And you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future, if I want to say something funny, or witty, or do an impression, I will no longer ever do any of those things.
Jim: Does that include "that's what she said"?
Michael: Mhmm. Yes.
Jim: Wow, that is really hard. You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so...
Michael: That's what she said!

Pam: I just wanted to say that, just, my mom's coming in today.
Kevin: MILF.
Pam: Thanks, Kevin.

Toby: I need to talk to you in your office, it'll just take two seconds.
Michael: Literally two seconds?