The Best Agent Dwight Harris Quotes

Agent: [Over a cell phone in a motel room] Multiple calls traced to a pay phone in Oyster Bay Long Island
Tony: [over a cell phone, standing next to his van] What? Where's the pay phone exactly?
Agent: Gas station most likely
Tony: Gas station?
Tony: His lamed out he might not be able to put his hands on a clean phone
Tony: Alright, listen, thanks

Agent: [after knocking on the door and entering Cubitoso's office, referring to Adriana and convincing Christopher into cooperating with them] There's no way she'll wear a wire, but she thinks she might be able to get Moltisanti to "flip"
Agent: Why now?
Agent: Problems with Tony: Christopher hates him "apparently"
Agent: That's confirmed by wiretaps and CI-12 mentioned it too. Something to do with... Tony Blundetto, the cousin
Bureau: What would Moltisanti want?
Agent: I'm not sure: his got some "interesting" screenwriting
Bureau: [jokingly] I'll put in a call to Sam Goldwyn
Agent: You "promise" her anything?
Agent: No "guarantees" but depending what his offering, maybe immunity and relocation for the two of them?
Bureau: [after looking at his watch and think it over] She's got to understand that if she won't wear a wire, we can't offer her protection or keep her surveilled
Agent: I explained all that
Bureau: Tell her she's got until 9am Monday to bring him in or we turn her over to Long Branch PD

Tony: [Meeting privately in a car] I thought you weren't coming
Agent: You don't want to know
Tony: Actually I do
Agent: We had Intel that a Sulafa cell was at Newark Airport boarding some man into a 767 to London
Tony: Your right I don't want to know
Agent: We get this all the time our source was either wrong or it done to study our response time
Tony: It happens all the time?
Agent: What's up my friend?
Tony: My kid is obsessed with this shit his making a molar out of this, is he right?
Agent: [Harris' cell phone rings and answers it] Hey, probably another hour just leave it out I'll heat it up then don't leave it out, what do you want me to say?
[hangs up]
Tony: You got tough enough of a job with this terrorism shit I'll let you get home, the reason I called is because those two Arabs that turned you onto when I happened to remember my nephew mentioned a bank that they had an account a branch Demeter Merchant Bank
Agent: You just remembered that?
Tony: Yeah
Agent: Thanks
Tony: I know you that friend in the Brooklyn office is it possible he knows where Phil Leotardo is? I want to avoid any more of my guys getting hurt
[Harris chuckles]
Tony: I'm just saying if you heard anything from your pal
Agent: I haven't
Tony: I figured money sent to the Middle East
Agent: You're overreaching
[Tony leaves]

Christopher: [jokingly, greeting Harris] oh, Sheriff of Nottingham, my kingdom for a mortadella, huh?
Agent: they make a great sandwich here: no getting around it
Christopher: what about that disease you picked up over there in Diarrhea-stan or wherever the fuck you were?
Agent: [points to the sandwich, referring to Tony getting shot by his uncle] this might be the cure. Hey, I was sorry to hear about Tony
Christopher: yeah, well, I got nothing to say about what happened, so...
Agent: [interrupts him] that's not why I asked, how's he doing?
Christopher: his fucked up. You know what I think? I don't think you come here for the sandwiches, I think you come here because you miss us
Christopher: [when Harris doesn't respond] hey, I can't blame you: that job you got now must be depressing. How goes the war on terror anyway?
Agent: working it
Christopher: [jokingly] I heard Fieldcrest reported a truckload of towels missing?
Agent: we actually spend a little more of our time trying to interdict the financial networks that fund the terrorist cells worldwide
Christopher: no shit
Agent: truck hijacking, narcotics. In fact, if you ever hear of "anything, "going down", Middle Easterners, Pakistanis, you'd be helping a lot, if you picked up the phone
Christopher: and called you?
Agent: it's your country too, isn't it?
Christopher: like I would know any one of these suicide jerk-offs, if he bit me on the ass
Agent: you knew Matush Giamona: hung out at your girlfriend's club
Christopher: he was a drug dealer, her "friend." I didn't know shit about his politics until one of your people told me
Agent: something to keep in mind
Christopher: I take that terrorism shit seriously, and Tony? Don't even get him started

Agent: Hi Adriana
Adriana: Eat shit "Danielle" or whatever the fuck your name is
Agent: Can I get you a latte? A scone?
Adriana: I just want you people to leave me alone, how many times I have to tell you? I don't know anything. You people are just trying to scare me, nobody's trying to hurt Christopher
Agent: What was he doing in Yonkers last night?
Adriana: What? I don't know
Agent: Somebody saw him having drinks at the Renaissance Inn with an individual named Chip Soto. Christopher ever mention a "Chip Soto"? Or claim to?
Adriana: No
Agent: Here's what's problematic: you don't even know where your boyfriend is half the time, so how do you know if his in trouble or not? His into heroin, organized crime, associating with very dangerous people. Not to mention Tony Soprano himself
Adriana: See, that's where you're wrong. Tony would never let anything happen to Christopher. They're cousins, he loves him
Agent: He "loved" Pussy Bonpensiero, what happened to him?
Adriana: He went into the witness protection program
Agent: [to agent Harris] he went into program? Do you know anything about that?
Agent: [Shakes his head] no
Agent: I think we would've heard, your uncle Richie, I suppose his in the program too?
Adriana: He is, isn't he?
Agent: Adriana this is a way out for you. You have your whole life in front of you. We'd like to see you two have a chance
Agent: Ok, I'm going to get back
Adriana: Where are you going?
Agent: You're going to be working with Agent Sanseverino here
Adriana: What? Why?
Agent: [Referring to her inability to conceive naturally] Your own safety, you know what we were talking about? About the "little creatures"? Good luck with that. I mean it
Adriana: Fuck you
Agent: [while Adriana cries] the more you can tell us, the more we can help you and Christopher
Adriana: He doesn't need your help, he can take care of himself
Agent: You want some water?
Adriana: Yeah
Agent: How's Tony been lately?
Adriana: I have no fuckin idea. I told you already
Agent: You been over to the house?
Adriana: I don't go over there... hardly ever
Agent: Well, that should be your area of focus, if possible
Adriana: [Before getting up to go to the bathroom] I don't feel so good

Agent: [excited after a fellow agent informed him Phil Leotardo was assassinated] Damn! We're gonna win this thing!

Agent: [after showing her surveillance footage filmed from outside her club, asking to explain what she was doing] so?
Adriana: I was throwing the garbage out, so what? Isn't that illegal anyway? To film people without telling them?
Agent: and the reason you didn't just leave the garbage in the dumpster?
Adriana: there were bills and stuff: our account numbers were on it
Agent: [shows her a photo of a dead body] friend of yours?
Adriana: [startled by the photo] oh, Jesus Christ
Agent: his name was Gilbert Nieves, there were partial traces of an infrared stamp on his hand from the Crazy Horse
Adriana: I don't know him
Agent: but you told the Long Brach Police he was at the Crazy Horse that night
Bureau: let me ask you a question Ms. La Cerva? Do you really think we have you in here because we don't know what's in that garbage bag?
Agent: [sternly] he was stabbed in the club: you tried to dispose the evidence
Adriana: I didn't do nothing
Bureau: Ms. La Cerva, I suggest in the strongest possible terms that you start telling us what you know

Agent: [in Dwight's office] You see Metro News?
Agent: No
Agent: Your old beat: Phil Leotardo got popped

Agent: Hey, what's the good word?
Tony: Can't complain
Agent: Sure, you could, Phil Leotardo. My first assignment out of the academy was in Brooklyn. Never cared for him. He tried to set up this other rookie, a female for rape and beating
Tony: Listen, that subject we talked about: if I were to know something possibly terror related and help you out, could I "bank" the result in goodwill?
Agent: Well, what happens is, I would personally write you what's called a "5-k letter". It's a document setting forth your cooperation and service. It would be placed in your file, "if" you were ever convicted of a crime, it would be presented to a judge when he or she is considering sentencing guidelines
Tony: There were a couple of guys. Arabs, Arabians maybe, they used to hang around the Bing and someone I know may have done some business with them
Agent: At the port?
Agent: [to Tony, after gesturing to Ron not to interfere and interrupt] you were saying?
Tony: Alright, the point is they used to be around all the time these two, drinking, trying to tit fuck the girls whatever, and suddenly their disappeared. I mean completely: then a week or so ago I'm driving and see them with these other guys with the head gear, the beard and the whole "fundamental" bit, but there's nothing illegal going on over there, right?
Agent: What were they doing?
Tony: Walking, then they meet up with this other group
Agent: You got a name?

Adriana: I can't stay, Christopher's waiting for me.
Agent: Just checking in, seeing how you're doing.
Adriana: How I'm doing? I can't even get my dog clipped anymore?

Agent: [while having lunch, referring to Adriana and Christopher, to Sanseverino] she's really gonna marry him? What is wrong with this girl?
Agent: [jokingly] come on, Moltisanti's a "great catch"
Agent: [before everyone laughs] tall, dark, and sociopathic
Bureau: on a "strategic standpoint", do the nuptials help us or hurt us?
Agent: well, if they do get married, brings them closer, obviously and by extension gets her closer to Tony
Agent: it could cause her to stop "cooperating"? The guilt becomes "overwhelming." Remember Angel Deletta?
Bureau: it could also have the "opposite effect"
Agent: his "problems" really become her "problems"
Bureau: if they have kids, that's even more "pressure", the Delettas never had kids
Agent: I wouldn't count on children: she's had some "issues", female trouble
Agent: maybe Darwin was right? Nature really does "weed out" the nimrods
Bureau: so, what'd we do people? Yay or nay? Support them or discourage them?

Tony: [while in Satriale's] You don't look so good
Agent: [referring to the stress his going through] This job
Tony: want a sandwich, Cannoli, on the house?
Agent: [shakes his head, referring to his diagnosis] Microbe virus from Pakistan
Tony: [confused] Still?
Agent: Got a minute? We'd like to show you some pictures
Tony: [jokingly] Angelina Jolie, I hope?
Agent: [when Harris shows Tony pictures of Ahmed and Muhammad] These the gentlemen?
Tony: That's them
Tony: [after Harris quickly puts the photos away] What the fuck? What?
Agent: Don't know, financing maybe?
Tony: [surprised] "Maybe"?
Agent: Yeah, honestly, I don't even know if we still have them in the country

Adriana: Am I under arrest?
Bureau: Not at this time. But that can all change momentarily
Agent: [while sliding the warrant across the table to her] that's a search warrant. Your office and your cocaine
Adriana: It's not my cocaine
Agent: Really? It's not what I have you saying on tape
Adriana: You were fuckin taping me?
Agent: If I were you, I'd put aside my hurt feelings for a while
Adriana: I told you shit in confidence: nothing that had anything to do with any of this shit
Agent: We're offering you a way out. A chance to save your life and Christopher's life
Adriana: You don't give a fuck about us. You and your OBGYN doctor. You just want me and Christopher to stay together long enough so you can find shit out
Bureau: We understand your fiancée is moving up in the world: or down as the case may be
Agent: Problems at the Esplanade construction site
Adriana: Oh my God
Bureau: We're not asking you to wear a wire. We're not asking you to testify. We just want information
Adriana: [to Deborah Ciccerone] is your name even "Danielle"?
Agent: [Remains silent]
Adriana: What if I say no?
Bureau: If you say no, you'll be placed under arrest and charged with possession and intent to distribute cocaine: a charge that carries with it a penalty of up to twenty-five years in prison
Adriana: Oh my God
Agent: After you make bail you can explain to Tony Soprano why you brought an undercover federal agent into his home during Sunday dinner
Adriana: Oh my God
Agent: We'll probably never hear about it though. Chances are you and Christopher will just "disappear."

Tony: What you lose a little weight?
Agent: Ah...
Vito: You look good. Atkins, right?
Agent: I caught a parasite over there. Doctors don't know what it is.
Christopher: What do they eat, tabooli?
Agent: Actually that's why I'm here. I been dyin' for a Satriale's veal parm hero.
[walks in]
Christopher: Fuck him. I hope that parasite eats his asshole out.
Tony: [shrugs] Kinda feel bad for the guy.

Agent: [standing next to Ron Goddard] I've told you, my partner and I are with the Joint Terror Task Force now
Agent: Your around Port Newark often enough: we're concerned about what could come through there from the Middle East
Tony: Yeah, and?
Agent: Let's talk terror funding: most of it comes about through illegal enterprise. Our pitch is this and it's the same we gave to Christopher Moltisanti, maybe he never mentioned it. If you or any of your people heard of anything going down, Middle Easterners, Pakistanis, you'd be helping us a lot if you let us know
Tony: [sarcastically] I think there's a word for that
Agent: Your daughter takes pre-med classes in New York, she uses the tunnels
Agent: [as Tony leaves without saying a word] Something to keep in mind

Agent: Look, I appreciate what you did: giving us those names but I've been sitting here thinking remember that thing I told you about that was supposed to happen a year ago? Your problem with Brooklyn? It's on again possibly. You, maybe people close to you if it was more solid, you would've been warned by the Newark office but my colleague in Brooklyn, the one with the collaborator? Snitch is implying the wheels have already been set in motion
Tony: [Before Harris walks away in a hurry] implied?