The Best Tim Meadows Quotes

Caleb: Jake! It's so good to see you! Come give me a hug, I'm not going to eat you! Also, don't hug me 'cause I will try to eat you.

Mr. Glascott: Thanks for coming in, Mr. Goldberg, I wanted to address this teacher's lounge breach head on.
Murray: Couldn't this have been a phone call?
Mr. Glascott: Believe me, I don't want to be here either, cause after school, I go to the mall with my parrot and people treat me with respect. Her name is Feather Locklear, a real head turner.
Adam: Look, I'm sorry I used the fax, but I just want to reach my girlfriend.
Murray: Again with the girlfriend! Unbelievable! You're a guidance guy, guide him, tell him long-distance relationships don't work.

Adam: Mr. Glascott, come quick! It's an emergency!
Mr. Glascott: It doesn't matter. Nothing matters.
Adam: Barry started a fire on the stage!
Mr. Glascott: Damn it, it does matter! It matters a lot!

Caleb: Now, I'll tell you one thing. You are not looking for a cannibal.
Captain: Why do you say that?
Caleb: With all that blood? No self-respecting cannibal would waste all that sauce.
Jake: See, Charles? He's a foodie, like you.

Pops: Now you gotta have some patience, boy. You think this took a long time, you should see how long it took me to cook the Loch Ness Monster. Yeah, you ain't lived 'till you had some grilled Nessie. Hm-hmm!

Danny: [in a deleted scene from "Ocean's Eleven"] I don't know, sitting here with you now... I got some kooky thoughts knocking around in my brain!
Josh: What are you talking about, man?
Danny: Your skin... your skin is like... what I'm trying to say is: you get out of this tub and put on a dress, I take you out for the biggest steak you've ever seen! So, do I belong in a rubber room or what?
Josh: No man. Some cats dig chicks, and some cats dig cats. And if it's all right with you, it's all right with the man upstairs.

Christian: [Speaking of Jan's divorce] You were really brave. I mean, you put your arms out there, you slit your wrists. You said, "World, this is my blood, it's red, just like yours. So love me."

[seeing all the girls fighting]
Mr. Duvall: Hell, no. I did *not* leave the South Side for this!
[hits fire alarm with a baseball bat]

[Mr. Duvall is introducing Cady to the class]
Mr. Duvall: Her name is Cady. Cady Heron. Where are you, Cady?
Cady: That's me. It's pronounced like Katie.
Mr. Duvall: My apologies. I have a nephew named Anfernee, and I know how mad he gets when I call him Anthony. Almost as mad as I get when I think about the fact that my sister named him Anfernee.

Jake: So, Caleb, we're tracking a serial killer and I was thinking you could help us get inside his head.
Caleb: Just because I ate humans doesn't mean I'm INhuman, Jake.
Jake: Caleb, c'mon that's not what I meant.
Caleb: Just kidding, I'm probably friends with the guy online.
Caleb: What's his deal?
Jake: Well he's been murdering young men and cutting out their hearts.
Caleb: Ew.
[Jake and Charles make surprised faces]
Caleb: What, I would never eat a heart. I stick to the normal stuff, butts and thighs. One time I ate a foot but it was nasty.
Jake: I can see that.
Caleb: You know what, there was some weird guy on the forum recently.
Charles: Forum?
Caleb: Yeah, it's a chat room for people who like to talk about eating human beings but definitely won't act on it, wink. Yeah, it's hosted on...
Jake: Reddit.
Caleb: Obviously.

Caleb: Okay, look, I've been in prison for 15 years. I'm not good with new technology. You want somebody to lure a kid to a park using a Lycos chatroom, I'm your man.

Caleb: Well, you know, whenever I'm backed into a corner, I just do what I do best: I drive across country, forge a new identity, and then take a job as a camp counselor.
Jake: Oh, my God. Caleb, you're a genius.
Caleb: I wouldn't say genius. That camp ran a pretty extensive background check.

Mr. Duvall: Did your teacher ever try to sell you marijuana or ecstasy tablets?
Aaron: No.
Kevin: What are marijuana tablets?

Mr. Glascott: [to Beverly] Teachers only.
Principal: The blonde lady stays. Someone is parked in my space.
Beverly: This will not stand.
Mr. Glascott: I have to go move my car.

Tim: Did he say anything about people getting hurt?
Lorne: He said something after the ratings thing, but I really wasn't listening.

Mr. Duvall: Never in my 14 years as an educator have I seen such behavior. And from young ladies. I've got parents calling me on the phone and asking, ?Did someone get shot?. I oughta cancel your Spring Fling.
[all girls shout, no, and whisper among themselves]
Mr. Duvall: Now, I'm not gonna do that because we've already paid the DJ, but don't think I'm not taking this book seriously. Coach Carr has fled school property. Ms. Norbury has been accused of selling drugs. Now what the young ladies in this grade need is an attitude makeover. And you're going to get it, right now. I don't care how long it takes. I will keep you here all night.
Joan the Secretary: We can't keep them past four.
Mr. Duvall: I will keep you here until four.

Pops: The Nazi's, they're like the clan, but only worse, 'cause the Clan ain't got no submarine.