The Best How I Met Your Mother, Season 2, Episode 18 Quotes

Barney: You haven't moved in yet, have you? Good. You guys have to take this quiz. I found it in a magazine. It's called the "Are you ready to move in together?" quiz.
Robin: Well, if it's anything like you're "Are you wearing panties" quiz, I'm out.

Lily: Okay, I think we need to lay down some ground rules. Just because we can be loud, doesn't mean we have to be loud. And although it might turn you on, you screaming, 'I'M THE BEST!' doesn't do much for me.
Marshall: Well, it's a lot better than yelling, 'Ted's not here!' over and over again.
Lily: Well, at least what I said is true!
Marshall: Well that was unnecessary.

Barney: OK! Let's go one more.
Ted: I don't know.
Barney: You know you want to.
Ted: Alright, let's do it. I just gotta call Robin real quick.
Barney: Arrrghh, so that's what it's gonna be like from now on. No ok, ok, you call your old lady and ask permission to have fun. Me, I will be at the snack shack eating our victory onion rings, Han style.
[Ted gives a confused look]
Barney: Solo.

Lily: I put all your heavy jackets in this box marked "winter." And all your colorful sweaters in this box marked "Bill Cosby."

Ted: [flipping through Robin's DVDs] You have anything that wasn't made by John Woo?
Robin: [exhales, amused] Why? Do you?

Marshall: This is so great! We can finally do all the things we always said we wanted to do if we lived alone.
Lily: Oh, I know what I want to start with.
[Cut to them sitting on the couch naked]
Marshall: So, here we are, right? Sitting around the apartment naked. Awesome.
Lily: [Without enthusiasm] Yep.
Marshall: It's not as awesome as I thought it would be.
Lily: My butt itches.
Marshall: I'm cold.
Lily: I noticed.

[playing laser tag]
Barney: Niiiice! WE win!
[Barney and Ted act smug]
Barney: Ooh, walk of shame,
[points to himself]
Barney: walk of game. What up!

Barney: Question one: Ted, do you want to move in with Robin?
Ted: Yes.
Barney: Wrong! The answer is: No, I secretly want to stay single and spend time with my awesome friend Barney. Question two: Robin, do you think you can score someone hotter than Ted?
[pause]
Barney: Correct! The answer was awkward silence. Question Three: Did I make up this quiz to prove a point? Yes. Yes, I did.
Robin: Really? You mean it wasn't from Yellow Legal Pad Monthly?

Barney: Ted, you are my bro, and soon you will become a henpecked, beaten-down shell of a man. Tonight, we are having a no-holds-barred celebraiton of brohood, a broing away party, a brolebration, a bro-choice rally, brotime at the Apollo.
Ted: Oh, bro me!

Barney: Ted, you're crazy! This girl is blinding you... with her shiny hair and boob-shaped boobs!
[turns to Robin]
Barney: This is bad for you, too, you know. How are you going to feel when he sees you without any makeup?
Robin: I'm not wearing makeup right now...
Barney: Holy crap, you're beautiful!

Ted: [answering Cell Phone] Hello?
Barney: [talking in a deeper voice] Put on the suit, Mr. Mosby
Ted: Barney, I know it's you. Where's all my stuff?
Barney: It's not me. If you want to see your precious possessions again, put on the suit.
Ted: What suit?
Barney: Ding-dong. 'Oh, what's that?' The doorbell.
Barney: [Ted walks to the door] That's the suit I'm talking about!
Ted: I'm not there yet.
Barney: [changing back to his normal voice] Oh, OK, let me know when you get there.
Ted: OK, I opened it and there's a suit there.
Barney: [talking in a deeper voice again] That's the suit I'm talking about!
Ted: Barney...
Barney: I'm not Barney! But I hear that guy's awesome. All right. Listen very carefully. You will get your stuff back if you are able to complete a series of challenges. First: Put on the suit. Second: Meet me at McClaren's in one hour.
Ted: How am I supposed to know who you are if we've never met before.
Barney: [Barney thinks for awhile] I look like Barney.

- and we get to wake some skanky girl up in the morning and kick her out?
- God, Lily.
- Some guy just told her that he loved her then pretended to go to the bathroom and never came back you can't make her a cup of coffee? Real nice.

Marshall: Lily... deep within the Amazonian rainforest, there is a type of tree that only grows around the body of an existing tree. It cannot survive without this tree. It is supported... by this tree. Lily, we are that tree.
Lily: The inside tree or the outside tree?
Marshall: The outside tree.
Lily: Shouldn't there be three trees?
Marshall: You and I are one tree. Okay, look, Lily, the point is that we grew around Ted and without him, we're slowly dying.
Lily: What do we do?
Marshall: I think we can marry each other. But we also have to marry Ted.
Lily: I'll tell you right now, my Dad is not gonna pay for that wedding.

Ted: Barney...
Barney: This is not Barney, although I hear that guy's awesome.

- Here we are.
- You live in the loading dock behind the bar?
- I don't live here, baby.
- This is just my ride.
- No, no, no, no.
- I'm not getting into any van,
- I've seen Silence of the Lambs.

- I don't know that we should.
- Hey...
- I hear the "let's not move in together" sex is pretty incredible.
- Let's go back to my place.
- Mm....

Robin: [On the phone] Um, so if you could go ahead and cancel my subscription to Guns and Ammo, that would be great. No, it's a great magazine. Really great. They've printed three of my letters. It's just that my boyfriend is moving in and he kind of doesn't approve of the whole gun thing. A free hand grenade phone?
[pause]
Robin: You know what? Let me give you my work address.

Barney: Ladys and Gentlemen, I have in my hand a copy of tonight's top 10 list. The category: Top 10 things i would have called my truck...
Ted: It was never your truck.
Barney: ...if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back.
Ted: It was a rental.
Barney: Number 10 - 'The Winne-Bango'. Number 9 - 'The Pick-Up Truck'. Number 8 - 'The Ford Explore Her'. Number 7 - 'The You Scream Truck'. You Scream. Number 6 - 'Feels on Wheels!'. Hello! Number 5 - 'The Ride Her Truck'. Number 4 - 'The 18-Squeeler'. Number 3 - 'The Esca-Laid'. Ih-ih-ih! Number 2 - 'The Slam-Boney'. Aaand the number 1 thing I would've called my truck if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back...
[Table Drumroll]
Barney: ... 'The '69 Chevy'!

Barney: [Barney is in the back of Ted's truck, putting the moves on a Rockette. Suddenly the van starts moving. Barney's phone rings] Hello?
Ted: [Deep voice] Enjoying the ride?
Barney: Ted? Ted, you let us out of here. You let us out of here this instant
Ted: This isn't Ted. But I hear that guy's awesome.

Barney: If I had a room here all I have to do is get them upstairs. Come on, guys. It'll be great! We'll come in after you guys are asleep and I'll be gone before you wake up.
Lily: So, you get to have sex and we get to wake some skanky girl up in the morning and kick her out?
Barney: God, Lily. Some guy just told her that he loved her then pretended to go to the bathroom and never came back you can't make her a cup of coffee? Real nice.

Barney: Suit with sneakers. A little Ellen DeGeneres, but you pull it off.
Ted: My other shoes are in the truck with the rest of my stuff. Where is it, Barney?
Barney: Barney. Only people whose truck I'm not holding for ransom call me Barney. You may call me The Commodore.

Marshall: [giving Ted his sword] It's a real bummer breaking up the set, but you're going to need it.
Robin: He's right. My building is infested with dragons.

Ted: Look, I know that you guys were really excited to have a place to yourself, and... until after the wedding, I mean, if it's not too much of an imp...
[Lily and Marshall interrupt Ted by hugging him, one at each side of him, looking peaceful. Ted looks rather uncomfortable]
Ted: Um...
Marshall: God, this feels so right.
Lily: Mm. Never leave us again.
Ted: Guys, Robin's down in the truck, and there's actually a lot of boxes...
[Lily hushes him while she and Marshall are still hugging Ted]

Ted: Barney, I don't know if you got my other 47 messages, but if my stuff isn't here within the hour I'm calling the cops. This is the last time I'm calling you.
[Slight pause]
Ted: Because my charger's in the back of the truck.

- Oh, my God.
- We're drinking champagne in the back of a moving van.
- Why, yes, Sara. Yes, we are.
- Those other Rockettes who called you slow are crazy.

Barney: Do you know why I haven't given you any of your possessions back yet?
Ted: Um, because you're Admiral Jerk of the British Royal Douchery?
Barney: Because you don't want them back. You could've left at any time tonight, but you didn't, Ted. Why is that?
Ted: Because I didn't wanna go back to Robin's without my stuff.
Barney: False. You know what I think? I think you spent one day with her and it already sucked. I think you didn't like being there, she didn't like having you there, and you both realized that you made a huge mistake. And that's why you spent your first night living with Robin out playing lazer tag with me. And that's why three seconds ago, you didn't call it 'my place,' or 'our place,' or 'home.' You called it Robin's.
Ted: You know what? You can keep my stuff.