The Best How I Met Your Mother, Season 2, Episode 6 Quotes

Robin: To Ted, the youngest architect ever to design a building over 70 stories... probably!

Ted: Lily, this is Mr. Druthers, the head architect on the project. Lily's going to be our new office assistant.
Hammond: Ah.
Lily: Nice to meet you.
Hammond: Isn't it?

Lily: Mr. Druthers asked if you were making the trees or waiting for them to sprout on their own. Then he stared at me until I laughed.

Hammond: [about the model trees Ted made] Too green.
Ted: Too green?
Hammond: I want them to be more of a natural brown color. Almost a brunette. Also, they need to be bushier.
Ted: Bushier?
Hammond: I want this tower to emerge from a thicket of unkempt brunette shrubbery. Can you picture it, Ted?
Ted: I can't unpicture it.

Marshall: My professor's like, the toughest grader I've ever seen. She had like a bad divorce this summer and now she's taking it out on us. To tell you the truth, I think she just needs to get laid.
Barney: [perking up] Really? Laid, you say?
Marshall: You wouldn't be into her. She's, like, in her late 40s.
Barney: She hot?
Marshall: Yeah, I guess she's kind of hot, yeah.
Barney: And she's looking for some action. Sounds to me like she could be a cougar.
Robin: A what?
Barney: A cougar. An older woman, usually in her 40s or 50s, single and on the prowl for a younger man.
Ted: What's a woman in her 60s or 70s? A turtle?

- Lily is my friend and I'm not going to make fun of her for trying to follow her dreams.
- Thank you.
- Although, you might want to bring out the big Hawaiian drum because I'm pretty sure today's my birthday.
- Birthday girl!

Ted: I thought you said it was going to be a piece of cake. I remember, because you were eating a piece of cake at the time, and you said, "My class is going to be this."

- I'm fueling up.
- So you're going back over there?
- Oh, yeah. And tonight, just like John Mellencamp,
- I am going to get rid of the "Cougar" once and for all.
- Get it?
- 'Cause that's what he did with his name.

Ted: [after Lily takes Hammond Druthers' baseball] Give him his ball back right now. People are going to get fired!
Lily: No, they're not. It's just a tantrum, Ted. I saw this in kindergarten all the time.
Ted: This isn't kindergarten. Mr Druthers is an adult, and he wants his ball back.
Lily: All right, I'll give it back if you show him your plans.
Ted: No. You'll give it back or you're fired
Lily: I'm sorry, Ted. I just can't do that.
Ted: Then you're fired.
Lily: Fine. Here's the ball. At least you have one now.

Robin: [about Lily taking things from people who act mean] Yeah. It's her own personal form of justice. Did you tell him about that time at the Gap?
Lily: Oh, that was a good one. This sales guy was rude to Robin, so I took a pair of khakis.
Robin: [to Ted] I gave them to you for your birthday.
Ted: So I've been walking around in stolen khakis?
Lily: I prefer to call them "justice khakis."
Ted: That's not justice. It's shoplifting, and it's a crime.
Lily: So is being mean.

Barney: [Examining Marshall's law professor outside her office] Okay, let's take a look. Oh, yeah, it's a cougar all right. A prime specimen. See, you can identify a cougar by a few key characteristics. Start with the hair. The cougar keeps up with current hairstyles as a form of camouflage. The prey may not realize that he's engaged a cougar until he's already being dragged, helpless, back to her lair. Now, the blouse.
[Points to the professor's low-cut top]
Barney: The cougar displays maximum cleavage possible to captivate her prey. You're watching them bounce, she's about to pounce. See the claws?
[Points to her long nails]
Barney: Long and sharp, to ward off rival females... Or open alimony checks. Yeah, this one's a beaut. Okay, let the hunt begin.

Ted: Hey, thanks for telling me to stand up to Druthers and pitch my idea. Seriously, none of this would have happened if it weren't for you.
Lily: Oh. You know what, Ted? That was very nice. You have earned these screws back.
[Gives him a handful of screws]
Lily: Don't sit in your desk chair until you've put them back in.

Barney: [in Italian accent] Scusi. I am Luigi, Italian exchange student. I was, um, walking to class, but then I notice you, bella principessa.
Professor: Tell me what you want and get out.
Barney: Direct, I like that. The name's Barney. What I want... is you.
Professor: Turn around.
[after Barney turns around]
Professor: My place, two hours, don't be tardy.

Barney: I think I'm falling in love with you.
Professor: Oh, God, that wasn't your first time, was it? Although that would explain a lot.
Barney: No, we had sex yesterday.
Professor: Oh, right, that. Well, you had sex yesterday. I revised my syllabus for the spring semester.

[after Marshal infers his professor is tough on her grades because she needs to get laid]
Barney: Marshall, I've thought it over and I accept your challenge.
Marshall: I didn't challenge you to have sex with...
Barney: Tomorrow, the cougar hunt begins.

Narrator: Our client was a major bank and financial services company in Spokane. They wanted a modern skyscraper that still captured the distinct flavor and history of the northwest.
Hammond: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Spokane national bank building.
[Shows the model]
Bank: That's a penis!
Hammond: That's... that's ridiculous. There's no way this majestic tower can be confused with the male organ of love.
Bank: We're not building a penis. You got any other ideas?
Hammond: Other ideas? You said you wanted Hammond Druthers. This is Hammond Druthers.
Bank: [Looks at the building] Well, hats off to your ladyfriends, but I'm not building it.

- Well, um, I better get back to these Styrofoam trees.
- Oh, who cares about the trees?
- It's just busy work to make you feel like you're contributing.
- Inspiring as always, sir.
- Lily?
- Where's she put those paints?

Hammond: Now, as most of you know, my Pete Rose, Pete Rose, Pete Rose baseball has been stolen. Well, I just found this note.
[Reads]
Hammond: "Dear Mr. Druthers,I, your baseball, am leaving. Maybe, if you start being nice, I'll come back. If not, other things in your office may follow my lead. In fact, I overheard your iPod talking, and he may shuffle off at any minute." Normally, I would scream at everyone until my voice goes, but maybe that's the wrong reaction here.
Lily: [to Ted] Interesting
Hammond: Instead, I'm giving my baseball until the end of the day to decide he's homesick, or, tomorrow morning, I'll begin firing three people an hour. And, if the thief doesn't believe me, well, then you are gambling more than Pete Rose - major league baseball's all-time hit leader, a man whose absence from the hall of fame is a travesty to the entire sports world - ever "allegedly" did!

Marshall: I'm not really comfortable with you hunting my constitutional law teacher.
Barney: Who would you rather have grading your paper? A savage, man-eating jungle cat, or a purring, satisfied kitty?
Marshall: Go, Barney. Go mount and stuff that cougar.

Barney: I can't stop thinking about you. Please give me another chance.
Professor: Barney, I teach all day. It's the last thing I wanna do when I get home.
Barney: But you don't understand. See, I've been going easy on you. Holding back 'cause I was afraid you'd break a hip or something. This time, no mercy. I don't care how long it takes, days, weeks, half a year.
Professor: Fine, come in. You can start while I finish grading some papers.

Robin: Just for fun, Ted's been working on his own design. And it doesn't look at all like male genitalia.
[pauses briefly]
Robin: At least, not healthy male genitalia.

[in Barney's hospital room]
Professor: Mr. Eriksen, hello. Oh, I graded your paper tonight. I was
[looking at the injured Barney]
Professor: pleasantly surprised.
Barney: Yeah, she was.
Professor: B+.
Barney: B+? Marshal, after I've gone through my eight weeks of physiotherapy, I am gonna get you that A.
Marshall: Let her go. She belongs out there. In the wild. You should feel proud. You fought the cougar... and lived.
Barney: It was an amazing safari. I can't wait to show you guys the slides.

Barney: C-? What are you talking about? I pulled an all-nighter.
Professor: You didn't budget your time well. You glossed over some of the most important points. And your oral presentation was sloppy and inconclusive.