The Best How I Met Your Mother, Season 9, Episode 11 Quotes

Marshall: [voiceover narration] He rose to go approach this girl who commanded such intrigue, when Mommy interrupted...
Lily: Dude, she's way out of your league! She's not in Daisy Dukes nor squeezed into a Hooters tee, and I don't see a Curves membership dangling from her key. She has no glaring spray tan, no unicorn tattoos. She's sipping chardonnay, not pounding cherry-flavored booze. Her makeup isn't running. She's not playing with her hair. There's very little chance she'll let you put it anywhere.
Barney: Your challenge is accepted, Lil. There is no girl too pretty, for I am Barney Stinson, Player King of New York City!

Marshall: [Narrating] Now the age old softball stereotype is just that and nothing more. But as the Yankees got a run, Ted feared he wouldn't score. For the date side of the line is the one we all might guess he's in, they'll be no joy in Tedville if our Lisa is a...
Lisa: Yes, we win!

Gus: [to Marshall] Forgive me, but but before you got here, did you smoke a joint? You don't tell kids a tale that crass.
Narrator: ...I guess he had a point.

Gus: Uh I've just been handed a news flash. The word "Canada" is unrhymeable. It's easier to - I don't know - get drunk and try to climb a bull. But Canada, damn it, ask any man on the planet and watch their stammerin' stamina as they clamor and cram it into the middle of a sentence for a shot at repentance, pass the problem on to all their non-rhyming descendants. I've never met anyone who could clean up after Canada. Except my Uncle Tony from the Bronx. He's a janitor.
[the other passengers on the bus applaud]
Marshall: Show-off.

Tuxedo: The Agreement of 2004 quite clearly did define Fifth Avenue to be our hunting grounds' dividing line! Your West Side college girls are not the slip I park my boat in, so you shall know my East Side debutantes are quite verboten!

- Carlotta, some champagne.
- Let's toast before we all adjourn.
- To boobies.
- Oh, and B-T-dub, y'all just drank poison.
- Ha-burn.

Robin: Half a cake? What have I done? The world shall not forgive it! This day will live in infamy, I never shall outlive it! For I have become the girl that eats her feelings, don't mistake it. I think I need to get out of this chair before I break it.
Lily: Nonsense! Hogwash! Balderdash!
Marshall: [Narrating] ... said Mommy with great fervor...
Lily: You can't stop now! For don't you see? To the uninformed observer, you're not some sad cliché, some loser from a chick-lit story. You're Robin, and you're half a wedding cake away from glory! If you quit now, then Simon wins, the tale comes to a stop, at how you saw an ex, freaked out, and robbed a pastry shop. But if you have the guts, my dear, it's time to be empowered, and be remembered for this sweet behemoth you devoured! And years from now, the troubadour will raise his voice and sing, of the time that Robin took the cake, and ate the Whole! Damned! Thing!

Captain: You all know me, and you all respect my game: I dress up like a pilot and meet girls in Baggage Claim.

Marshall: [Narrating] But Robin did not puke. She ate that bite and stood up, proud.
Robin: Wait! I'm not done yet!
Marshall: [Narrating] ... she shouted, to the startled crowd.
Robin: I've bested this here wedding cake, I'll gladly wear that crown. But now that I have done that task, it's time to wash it down. For it's been such an awesome night, there's just one way to cap it. I'm going to drink this entire keg. Okay, Barney, tap it.
Marshall: [Narrating] And now that night's remembered, not for Robin getting dumped. But as the night we took her in to get her stomach pumped.

- ...these rhymes make you tired!
- And ever since then, all young Marvin's required is one book of rhymes, and to dream land he goes.
- Now, what shall we read?
- Oh, crap, I left his book in the car!
- That blows.

Barney: The international dateline, that's right new theory. What's that you ask?
Ted: Nobody did.
Barney: I'll now address your query.

Barney: Thus my friends I have become through methods somewhat gory, the Player King of New York City. Boom. The End. True Story.

- were hot as fire.
- Feels like a lifetime since those days.
Bus: Sorry, folks, flat tire.
- Oh, come on.
- Now I'm never gonna make it to Nantucket.