The Best The Office, Season 4, Episode 3 Quotes

Jim: A toast. I'm gonna make it good. To avoiding a class-two felony charge.

Angela: Hey, do you know any men that you can fix me up with? I would like to have a relationship with a man.
Pam: Um, I'll get back to you.
Angela: Let me know.

Stanley: You find anything?
Kevin: We think it's a straightforward kidnapping.
Oscar: Stanley, could you look up accomplices?
Stanley: Why can't you guys do it?
Oscar: Because we're looking up jail time.

Angela: "Plan a party Angela, oh, and the entire world will see it; oh, and here's 65 dollars for your budget; oh, and here are four idiots who'll do nothing but let you down; oh, and your cat's still dead".

- That's great. I...
- That's awesome.
- Yeah. Great.
- So, let me... yeah.
- Let me look at these.
- Okay. Great.
- Cool. Great.
- I guess he can't get any girl he wants.

Angela: [to Phyllis about misspelling launch on the party sign] It is awful. You've made this day awful.
Kevin: Maybe you could just change the U into an A.
Michael: [speaking in a hushed voice as he approaches the sign] Oh, lunch party.
Angela: It's supposed to say launch!
Michael: Okay! Wow! Easy booster seat. Nobody cares about this party anyway.
Angela: I care!

Andy: And then I will say something positive like "Kudos," or "Job well done."
Jim: Or, "Zip-a-dee-doo-dah!"
Andy: I can't tell if he's mocking me.
Dwight: Just ignore him.
Andy: I can't do that. It's really hard for me to let things go.
Jim: I was mocking.
Andy: Thank you.
Dwight: I just feel like we need something more to acknowledge when I make a sale.
Andy: Yes! Like a chime or a bell.
Jim: Or a gong.

Michael: [On the phone] Yes, it's Alfredo there? May I speak to the manager then? Ok, could you tell the manager that I'm keeping his delivery kid until I get my discount on the eight pizzas I ordered? Yes, I know that it's not on the coupon. Also, I would like him to throw in two, three pizzas, uhm, just for our...
Jim: [to MIchael] Ransom.
Michael: ...Trouble. Ok. Alright
[Hangs up the phone]
Michael: .
Jim: What did he say?
Michael: He said no.

Andy: They say you should never mix buisness with pleasure. Really? Well, then explain to me how a putt-putt golf company operates.

Kevin: [Angela and Phyllis are hanging up a banner for the Launch Party] Isn't 7:00 p.m. a little late for a lunch party?
Angela: [to Phyllis] Lunch party? It's supposed to say "Launch Party." What is wrong with you?
Phyllis: [cuts to confessional] Angela is worse than usual lately, and we have a party to throw, so I googled, "How to deal with difficult people." And I got all of this.
[she holds up a few sheets of paper with information]
Phyllis: So we're gonna try out some new things today.
Phyllis: [it cuts back to the office] So, how do you feel about the fact that the banner says "Lunch"?
Angela: I feel angry. Angry at you. Angry at you for doing something stupid. Angry at me for believing you could do something not stupid.
Phyllis: [Phyllis looks down at the sheets of paper] I'm so sorry to hear that. That must be awful.
Angela: It is awful. You've made this day awful.
Kevin: Maybe you could just change the U into an A.
Angela: Then it would say "Lanch Party," Kevin. Would it really be better if it said "Lanch Party"?

Michael: Are you ready to give me my discount now?
Delivery: No.
Michael: Ok, what have you been doing in here this whole time?
Delivery: What kind of business is this?
Dwight: We're a paper company. The best paper company in the whole wide world.
Michael: Alright, Dwight, knock it off.
[to the delivery kid]
Michael: You better think about what you're doing, young man.
Delivery: You better think about what you're doing.
Michael: No! I'm an adult, I don't have to think or do anything. You're a kid, you're a little snot-nosed, punk kid who thinks he's better than everybody else. Because he's some hot shot, and you don't know anything about sales. So stop being a disrespectful little jerk.
Delivery: Sales?
Michael: Yes, sales, you sell pizza, last time I checked that's called sales.
Delivery: You're such a loser.
Dwight: What did you just call him?
Delivery: A loser.
Dwight: What did you say?
Delivery: A loser.

- Sorry, so do we need to sign one or...
- Let's just wait and see what happens. Yeah.
- Let's just wait. What?
- Okay. Oh, okay.
- Great.
- Hey, Ryan, welcome back...
- Hold on one second.

- with a mandatory retirement age.
- And then ed truck, your old boss, threatened us with a lawsuit, so we had to back off.
- So older people have just as many rights as younger people?
- Yes, Michael.
- They do.

Dwight: I am not a bad person. When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me, but I never intended to use to them. What did I intend to do with them? Who knows? Maybe keep them as a souvenir, maybe use them.

Michael: I kidnapped a kid.
Dwight: You had to. What other choice did you have?
Michael: I could have paid for the pizza.
Dwight: Well, yeah.

- Michael! Michael!
- Let go. Let go of me.
- Michael.
Dwight: I got you! I got you!
- Come on. Come on. Come on.
- Come on.

- Where are the turtles?
- Where are they?
- Excuse me, I have an announcement to make.
- We seem to be missing a box of chocolate turtles with pecans and we will not be leaving the premises until we obtain them.
- Hand over the turtles now!
- I ate them, okay? I ate the turtles. They're gone.

Michael: Well, the website is the brainchild of my brainchild, Ryan. It is my brain-grandchild.

Dwight: I've seen this kid before. He's one of the kids that sneaks onto my farm and steals my hemp.
Delivery: Yeah, I know that guy. He's that farmer that grows really crappy weed.

Jim: Do you remember what you said to me on my first day of work, just before you walked me over to my desk?
Pam: Yeah. "Enjoy this moment, because you're never going to back to this time before you met your desk-mate, Dwight."
Jim: And that's why I knew. You?
Pam: You came up to my desk, and you said, "This might sound weird, and there's no reason for me to know this, but that mixed-berry yogurt you're about to eat has expired."
Jim: That was the moment that you knew you liked me?
Pam: Yup.
Jim: Wow. Can we make it a different moment?
Pam: Nope.

Dwight: I can make more sales than a computer. In fact, I challenge that website to make more sales than me today.
Angela: Waste of time.
Michael: What's that, pipsqueak?
Angela: Waste of time. The website's going to win.
Dwight: You believe a computer can beat me?
Angela: I don't care, but yes.
Dwight: Well, I will prove you wrong.
Angela: I don't care, and you won't.
Dwight: You'll see.
Angela: I won't be watching, and I won't.

Michael: [about the delivery kid being held against his will] You need to let him go.
Michael: Let go our little jerk boy before he has learned his lesson?
Jim: Yes.
Michael: You know what, Jim? The world would be a better place if people were held accountable for their actions.
Jim: Yes, but not by kidnapping.
Michael: I'm not kidnapping him, I'm keeping him until I get what I want.
Jim: As a hostage.
Michael: I think you're overthinking it.
Jim: I think you're underthinking it.

Andy: [about Angela] I hear she's single and ready to mingle. I'm thinking about making a play for her. What do you think? Crazy, right?
Dwight: I think it's inappropriate to date someone you work with.
Andy: Isn't that part of the fun?
Dwight: No. I think you should date Kelly.
Andy: She works here, too. How is that any different?
Dwight: She works in the annex. You're also welcome to date Toby.

[Dwight suspects the new website has become self-aware through instant messages Pam is sending]
Dwight: [typing] How do I know this isn't Jim?
Pam: [typing] What is a Jim?

- Time will tell.
- But I will tell you one thing, those gift baskets never endangered anybody's lives.
- Game, set, match.
- Point. Scott. Game over.
- End of game.

- Hey, Pam, by the way, it's great that you're dating.
- But when a new client calls, you just have to randomly assign them to a salesperson.
- You can't base who gets new clients on who you're sleeping with that week.
- Okay? Okay.
- Okay. Okay.
- And that is why we waited so long to tell people.

- I got you one.
- Oh, wow. Thank you.
- Yeah. I'm just going to grab some chips.
- You want some? No, thanks.
- We're still having lunch today, right?
- I guess.
- How dare you.

Jim: [referring to the DVD screensaver in the conference room] There's this cube on the screen. It bounces around all day, and sometimes it looks like it's heading right into the corner of the screen, and at the last minute it hits a wall and bounces away... and we are all just dying to see it go right into the corner. Pam claims that she saw it one day when she was alone in the conference room... okay. I believe she *thinks* she saw it.
Pam: I saw it! I saw it, and it was amazing! Who said I didn't see it? Did Jim say that I didn't see it? I SAW IT!

- Before she's even in the ground.
- You haven't buried her yet?
- Don't rush me. I'm grieving.
- Garbage can be very helpful, okay? He's a useful cat.
- He killed an entire family of raccoons. Look at him.
- I don't want garbage.
- I want sprinkles.

- because this is really good.
- This is really good.
- My heart soars with the eagle's nest.
- I don't see it. I think they both could do better.
- It's not a surprise to me.
- Pam is the office mattress.
- Jim Halpert's off the market.
- Guess who just became the best-looking single guy in the office?

Michael: There's only one place to get authentic New York-style sushi.
Dwight: Tokyo?

- Could you get me that...
- That's nice.
- Inspuafional what have we learned?
- Well, we have learned that you can't teach an old dog new tricks, becauseitsihegal and you will go to jail.
- I think that I should help him get home.
- No. No, don't help him.
- He doesn't need help, Pam.

Pam: Dwight mercy-killed Angela's cat. It's very complicated. It's caused a lot of unpleasantness between Dwight and Angela, who are both already prone to unpleasantness.

[after getting instant messages from "the website"]
Dwight: It appears that website has become alive. This happens to computers and robots sometimes. Am I scared of a stupid computer? Please, that computer should be scared of me. I have been salesman of the month for 13 out of the last 12 months. You heard me right. I did so well last February that corporate gave me two plaques in lieu of a pay raise.

Dwight: [Irate that Kelly is buying from the computer that he is competing with] What're you doing? I am in the fight of my life against this computer and every sale counts!
Kelly: But you get to put the paper in this little shopping cart and then it says 'Thanks for shopping at Dunder Mifflin!'
Dwight: Damn it, Kelly, it knows! It knows what you did!
Darryl: Who knows?
Dwight: [Snatches ream of paper from Darryl and yells at Kelly] Return it! Return it now!
Darryl: [Snatches the ream back] Hey! How 'bout stop yelling at our sweet little Miss Kapoor over 500 sheets of paper and you get back to your desk. Start selling multiple reams, like a man?
Dwight: Y-you don't understand. Okay, if this makes the difference
[points at the ream of paper]
Dwight: I'm gonna tell It that YOU were responsible.
Darryl: [with a threatening voice] Who's "It"?

Ryan: And now, from my old hometown, Scranton, Pennsylvania, my former boss, Michael Scott.
Michael: [Satellite camera switches to Michael at the Scranton Office Branch] Hey, I think you should know that one of my salesmen beat your stupid computer. So take that,
Michael: !
Ryan: [laughs and smiles embarrassingly] Always a jokester

- Female voice: Proceed to the highlighted route, then route guidance will begin.
- Why do you use that thing?
- It lets them know where you are at all times.
- Who?
- The government, spy satellites, private detectives, ex-girlfriends.

Kelly: [after Michael reads out a memo] That's from Ryan? Does it mention if he's seeing anybody?
Michael: No, it doesn't. I'll find out tonight.
Stanley: Yes, please let us know.