The Best The Sopranos, Season 2, Episode 1 Quotes

- You all right?
- Yeah.
- Want a little cold pasta?
- I could microwave it.

Samantha: [while the realtor shows the inside of Tony's mother's house after it's been vandalized] I can't show it in this condition
Tony: What the hell is this?
Samantha: There's a high school up the street
Samantha: [Pointing to the stain on the wall caused by the water damage as Tony and Carmella look] a sink was left on upstairs: you don't even want to see the toilets
Samantha: [after her cell phone rings and walks away to answer it] oh, excuse me
Tony: [as he walks over to a broken window] wait until I catch the kids that did this: break a few windows, they think their Johnny badass. The fuckin jackals
Carmela: Will you stop, please? Your sister Barbara and the kids are coming down. You better not be in this mood, and I need you to pick up sausage
Tony: [Irritated] yeah, yeah, yeah, how many pounds? Hot or sweet?
Carmela: Don't you act like it's a chore: this party was your idea, you said you were happy Janice was home, and my parents are coming
Tony: [Referring to his mother, surprised] oh, really? What? Now that the dragon lady is gone they'll dwang to set foot in our house?
Carmela: She said some horrible things to them over the years
Tony: I'm not defending her, she's dead to me
Carmela: I'm telling you, you, mope your way through this, I'll cut your throat
Tony: What're you talking about mope? I've been in a great mood lately
Carmela: [doubting him] right, I think you need to start therapy again, you're self-medicating, we haven't had sex since...
Tony: [interrupts her] you forget it: no therapy
Samantha: [walks over to them after finishing her call, to Tony] you should really take a look at what they did to your mother's bedroom

Christopher: [while Tony grabs him by the mouth] what's the matter now?
Tony: What's the matter? I got a call from Loiaco down at the brokerage firm: your two friends beat the shit out of a broker, two others quit
Christopher: The guy was pushing some other stock
Tony: It attracts negative attention and then the two fucks rip off a Porsche Carrera from our own building
Christopher: I'll call them
Tony: No, you'll go down there... now. What'd you get your license for? You're résumé? I've been telling you, spend more time down at the brokerage firm: you're the fuckin SEC compliance officer for Christ's sake, you gotta show impulse control, ok?
Christopher: I'm sorry

- It all checks out.
- Puerto Rico, the clinic.
- All that shit, from what I can tell.

Salvatore: Hey, Sil.
Silvio: What?
Salvatore: What? I've been gone a long time. Let me hear it.
Silvio: [imitates Al Pacino from The Godfather] Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in

Tony: [while in the backyard, referring to her cigarette] let me get a "hit" off that
Janice: [Sarcastically, implying his scared of Carmella because his sneaking outside to smoke] oh, look who's in charge here
Tony: You look sensational, really, I was out of line
Janice: Two beautiful kids: you must be proud
Tony: Yeah, how about that huh? Even with our genes
Tony: [Referring to her lover] so you still with that "Adolf?"
Janice: [Correcting him] Ralph, no Ralph went back to Andorra. You seem good, "wood"-wise
Tony: Yeah, things are good these days
Janice: So how are things really with Ma?
Tony: She's dead to me
Janice: I don't want to get in your way here. You're the one who stayed: took the "brunt", Barb and I are never gonna forget that
Tony: Well, you forgot about it for about it for... twenty years, at least Barb pitched in
Janice: I know I made my share of mistakes but Ma can't stay in the hospital forever
Tony: Let me tell about the "stroke" of hers and I got this from a doctor: it's called a "conversion reaction", it's a big fuckin "opry" brought on by repressed rage: it's bullshit, there was no "infarct", whatever the fuck
Janice: Yeah but they also the symptoms are similar to a stroke so the results are the same: she cannot take care of herself
Tony: She's "on the lamb" in that hospital from me
Janice: Who did what to who is not my business. All I know is that mom is bewildered by all of this, I mention you and her eyes fill up with tears
Tony: [Amused] oh boy
Janice: Look, I'm not asking you to step in here... it's my turn now, that's why I came
Tony: She's a "streg", she's the devil
Janice: She was, now she's just a confused old woman. So look, all I need is a couple bucks to fix her car so I can back and forth to the hospital, then I'll take her home to Seattle, maybe stay at her house here "temporarily"
Tony: Oh, I doubt that, I just put her house on the market
Janice: Oh
Tony: [Before giving her money] look, I'm glad you're here ok? You want to play Florence Nightingale? That's your choice, only this is the last time we mention her in this house

- Maybe you can recommend somebody.
- I would never...
- Ask another colleague to get involved in this.
- How many more have to die for your personal growth?
- Look at me.
- I swear to Jesus Christ, nobody got killed 'cause of you.
- Get out of my life!

- You're not gonna stay for dessert?
- It's grappa cake my mother made.
- My friends are having a gallery opening...
- And I'm trying to get them to finance my video.
- I'll leave some cake out for you.
- Hey, I'm sorry.
- Hey.
- What's up?

- He's your father.
- I won't leave you here like this.
- They can't stop me from seeing you.
- Meadow. Meadow.
- Take that, in the drawer, in the drawer. Take it.
- Oh, my god. This was your grandmother's, wasn't it?
- It's so you won't forget me.

Hesh: [while entering his office in the Bada Bing strip club Tony's lawyer Neil] hey Tony
Tony: Hey counselor, how are you?
Neil: You look good huh?
Tony: You want a drink?
Neil: [Referring to Tony including them in on his pump and dump stock market scheme] no, before we commence a thousand thank you's for Webistics
Tony: My pleasure
Tony: So what'd we stand this month?
Neil: Your uncle's petitioning to get out of jail on a medical pending trial
Hesh: Neil thinks they'll liable to let him out
Tony: Let him
Neil: Maybe as a temptation for you to act, again since you are at the helm it all gets back to putting up bigger blinds really limiting your exposure to potential RICO allegations
Tony: Only way to run a family these days is "bunker style..."
Tony: [after his cell phone rings and answers it] excuse me, yeah?
Carmela: [Over the phone] you're not going to believe this, your sister's here
Tony: Barbara?
Carmela: No, Janice.
Tony: You're shitting me
Carmela: Nope
Tony: Yeah I wonder what the scam is this time. Whatever it is I'm going to be five grand lighter when she rain dances back to the commune. Alright tell her she can stay with us if she wants
Carmela: Are you sure?
Tony: Yeah we'll get Barbara and Tom down from Brewster and make a family reunion out of it but obviously...
Carmela: Your mother's not welcome
Tony: [Before hanging up with Carmella] give Janice my love, see you later
Tony: [to Neil and Hesh] My sisters here from Seattle

Christopher: [to Matt and Sean after they enter his office] sit down
Christopher: Refresh my memory about this "play" with Webistics
Matt: We own four hundred thousand shares "proprietary" at sixty cents, trade on the bulletin board or if we cold call enough senior citizens, "pump and dump"
Christopher: [Referring to their lack of experience committing crimes] Yeah, yeah. Listen, you guys ain't spend much time in the NFL, let's face it
Matt: The fuck you talkin about? Two years with Eddie Stiggs
Christopher: Besides waxing Eddie's car
Sean: What we did to Joe in Canada...
Christopher: [Interrupts him] then you know when your "bleeding" a guy, you don't "squeeze" him dry right away. "Contrarily", you let him do his bidding, "suavely" so you can "bleed" him next week and the week after... at a minimum
Matt: You mean you don't want one of these guys getting pissed and running to the SEC? I mean, is that what you're saying?
Christopher: [Nods] break it down
Sean: I'm sorry Chris
Matt: Webistics is at eighty, when are we dumping the stock?
Christopher: You'll know that when you "need" to know that

- Come in the house.
- I got your word, I walk in...
- I'm walking back out.
- I don't see you for all this time.
- No word. Nothing.
- This is how you come back?
- Do I got your word?

- I know who you are.
- And I saw analyze this.
- I don't need the ramifications that could arise from treating someone...
- Like yourself.
- Analyze this?
- It's a comedy.
- I'm not taking new patients.

- What is that, "cracking"?
- Hacking.
- Shelley hack! Remember her?
- Yeah, those were the days.
- Good actress.
- Let me tell you something, you can't get good sausage and peppers no more.
- I used to go down to mulberry St. when
- I was a kid. Sausage and peppers.
- Now you go down there and there's these guys with towels...

Salvatore: [Repeated line to Tony asking him to promise him if he enters his home alive, his going to come out alive] do I got your word?

- Fucking broad from montclair.
- Anyway...
- This...
- Is who leads us now.
Philly: Here you go, kid.
- There you go, you big mouth fuck!
- Fuck!

- See why she'd never tell me.
- I'm afraid we have to stop now.
- When will your office be finished?
- My new carpet's not in yet.
- I'm sorry. I know this is awkward.
- My old therapist worked out of his home.
- That's... not convenient for me.

Tony: [Standing in his kitchen while leaning on the island counter] Coffee?
Salvatore: No
Tony: You look good, tan
Salvatore: Yeah, right
Tony: The "tan ghost"
Salvatore: You're a good guy Tony but you abuse that joking shit
Tony: What'd got to say to me?
Salvatore: Yeah I'm back. I'm in a fuckin "tan" nightmare. What'd you think I'm stupid? I don't know it when everyone of my friends turns their hearts to stones against me
Tony: Take it easy ok? I don't think your stupid

Tony: [about Janice] She's lucky she isn't here or I'd be bouncing her fucking head against the wall!

- Please! Stop!
- Hey! Stop that!
- I'm still manager. This is unacceptable. Where's moltisanti?
- I'm gonna make a call.
- I know who runs this operation.
- Get back in your fucking office.
- Anybody else got a problem?

Philly: [after picking him up at the airport] were you waiting long?
Gigi: Not bad, we were late landing anyhow. Hey, thanks for doing this
Philly: Coming "off the lamb", every nickel counts, so how was Boston?
Gigi: It was good to be back for a while, and then you know...
Philly: [Jokingly] do I? That place is Scranton, with clams
Gigi: [Amused] so what's been going on?
Philly: Same tale, of woe
Gigi: What the hell do I hear of Tony Soprano and his mother? Some kind of "accident?"
Philly: He had her in a nursing home, you know?
Gigi: Get the fuck out of here
Philly: And this... upset Junior to end, and would Junior come after him? Tony went to the nursing home and tried to suffocate his own mother
Gigi: Maybe you shouldn't spread that rumor? That's some ugly shit
Philly: I'm only telling you. Listen, you'd be fuckin amazed...
Gigi: There's more?
Philly: He was seeing a psychiatrist
Gigi: Tony?
Philly: Fuckin broad from Montclair

- I gotta take a meeting.
- Keep things in control here.
- Word up. Later, chief!
- I shouldn't be telling you this.
- Webistics is the next yahoo.
- We're only selling it to preferred clients.
- American forestry? 19 1/2, up 3/8. Very sound company.
- Uh-huh.

Carmela: [to Janice] how was the guest bed? Did you sleep alright?
Janice: [Nods] great, usually I bring my own pillow: ergonomic, I got ripped off at the bus stop in Rapid City
Tony: [after coming down from upstairs] what? Those pillows aren't good enough for pillows aren't to sleep on anymore?
Tony: [Before they hug each other] come here
Janice: Oh, look who decided to join us? My little brother
Tony: How you doing Jan...?
A.J. Soprano: [Reminding Tony Janice's surname] Parvati
Tony: [Pats him on the side of the head] I'm her brother, I get a pass
Tony: You look good, you look like... a teenager
Janice: [to everybody] my therapist says I'm "regressing"
Tony: Oh, your therapist? Who pays for that?
Janice: The State of Washington: total disability
Tony: Oh yeah, the Epstein-Barr
Janice: [Correcting him of the previous illness she had] "was", chronic Carpal Tunnel from my last job: the steamed milk machine
Janice: [Walking over to Tony at the kitchen bar counter] hey, I stayed up waiting for you, when did you get in?
Tony: Late, you know?
Tony: [Irritated] what the fuck is that smell?
Janice: Miso soup, its seaweed
A.J. Soprano: [to Tony, referring to Janice] she's been telling us all about Seattle
Tony: If I see those grunge pants on you, you'll be looking on the ground looking up
Meadow: [Jokingly] dad, how do you stay so hip?
Janice: [to AJ and Meadow] I'll be back in a sec, don't let your father near my soup: he makes fun of it but he'll eat anything before noon, that's not locked away
Carmela: You don't see your sister for years and right away, you're already starting on her diet?
Tony: Hey, believe me, she gets as good as she gets

- Why you can't use a lighter to cook your shit is beyond me.
- When things were finally going good...
- Shut up!
- Why? They'll still kiss ass.
- They don't care if you're a junkie.
- Sit down!
- I hate you, fucking pig. Get off me!
- Fucking whore!
- Fuck you.
- Go home! Get my dinner ready!

Tony: [Yelling] Tony!
Tony: Jesus Christ
Salvatore: Can I talk to you?
Salvatore: [Angrily] where the fuck you been?
Salvatore: [Referring to the entrance of Tony's driveway, implying they should talk somewhere more private] we're going to talk here?
Tony: Come into the house
Salvatore: I got your word if I walk in there, I'm walking back out?
Tony: I don't see you for all this time, no word: nothing. And this is the way you come back to me?

- How'd you get this number?
- Where are you calling from?
- Are you watching me?
- You know, webistics would be perfect for your portfolio.
- I know you're on a fixed income but...
- With webistics you could triple your money in a year.

- You'll know when you need to know.
- Excellent.
- This is cold, by the way.
- Guys.
- Any more porsches disappear, make it two towns over. And I want a taste.
- You're the man.

- Come on, motherfuck!
- Motherfuck!
- Oh, fuck.

- The exam is in two parts, each part is three hours long...
- There will be a one-hour break.
- As I call your name, please answer "here."
- Martin, Samantha.
- Here.
- Mcclure, Peter.
- Here.
- Moltisanti, Christopher.
- Here!

- Don't ever pull this shit again.
- So your uncle's under indictment?
- 12 rico predicates.
- Who stepped up to run his crew?
- Piss boy. Philly parisi.
- Oh, yeah, Philly.
- Philly! Don't forget the pastries!

- I just put her house on the market.
- Oh.
- Lookuu
- I'm glad you're here. Okay?
- You want to play Florence nightingale, that's your choice.
- Only this is the last time we mention her in this house.
- Okay.

- Oh, Tony, I hate to ruin the party.
- Got a call from loiaco down at brokerage.
- "Chip and Dale" sent one of the brokers...
- To the emergency room.
- Oh, fuck me! These kids!
- My fucking nephew, right?
- You call him and tell him
- I want to see him right away.

- Hey, don't start with that. Okay?
- I'm not insane and I'm not overreacting. You don't know...
- This little pucchiac...
- All right!
- This is getting you no place.
- Go outside...
- Join the party, be with friends, have some pleasure. Go ahead.
- Fucking bitch!
- Tony! Go ahead. Go have a beer.

- Hey.
- What are you doing home?
- Nothing.
- I thought it was aj, home from school.
- Yeah.

Salvatore: There was a fuckin rat, so you finger me? You don't think I didn't realize what was going on? When you come to my house three o'clock in the fuckin afternoon telling me your my "friend". That's when I knew I was in trouble Anthony. When out of blue you start telling me your my "friend."
Tony: Oh, is that right?You owe me an explanation and you know what I'm talking about
Salvatore: Remind me to never get sick again huh? Remind me please to never have a serious illness because with you, Silvio, Paulie, and all you pricks weakness likes to spread around
Tony: You know what? Fuck you! I don't what to hear about your fuckin back anymore. Who's your fuckin boss? Who gets the explanation? What am I suppose to trust you? You "off the reservation" cocksucker?
Salvatore: It was a broad Tony, it was complicated. My back was for shit you knew that
Tony: I don't want to hear anymore about your back
Salvatore: [Referring to the diagnosis of his back] That's how we met, this Spondylosis. That's why I was popping Percocets like freaking JuJubes. Anyway so my doctor prescribes this clinic in Puerto Rico. I didn't exactly object given the fuckin vibes around here. Go ahead, check
Tony: You don't tell your wife your in the hospital?
Salvatore: That twat brought on most of this
Tony: How?
Salvatore: Listen, down there I met this girl, she's twenty-six. An acupuncturist. It was the only thing helping my Sciatic nerve. Anyway, one thing leads to another...
Tony: [Interrupts him] you can't send one word?
Salvatore: I'm going to trust you? Paulie? Take the word of a degenerate cop over me?
Tony: So why'd you come back? What changed?
Salvatore: Nothing changed, that's the problem. I still got two kids in college, one just got married, and needs my help. I've got to start earning again. I've got to get my action back
Tony: Oh, just like that?
Salvatore: I came to you Tony. I'm in your hands
Tony: [Opens his arms, implying to give each other a hug] come here you fat fuck
Salvatore: [Feeling insulted after Tony pats his back and rubs his chest to check for a wire, then referring to his testicles] hey, do you want to pat this down too?
Tony: don't you ever bullshit like this again