30 Best Snot Lonstein Quotes

Steve: Snot, you need to process this. This is a big deal!
Snot: Yeah, it's my big deal! And I am not going to pretend to have some big theatrical reaction to this just to make you happy!
Steve: But you should have some reaction. You have to feel something. He was your dad and now he's gone.
Snot: We're all going to die, Steven! I'm gonna die! You're gonna die! Everyone dies! Do you really think any of this is going to last forever? 'Cause it's not!

Snot: [about Etan's Bar Mitzvah] This is gonna put my bar mitzvah to shame. The only decorations I have are the police tape left over from my uncle's murder.

Snot: For my bar mitzvah, I need to get to the park before dawn to get the picnic table next to the swings. It's the only one that doesn't have a swastika or boner carved into it.

Klaus: [Panting] We need to get the fuck out of here!
Del: I take you into my townhouse, and this is how you repay me?
Mrs. Lonstein: It's not my fault, Del!
[Tearfully]
Mrs. Lonstein: It was the basement!
Steve: What did you *do*?
Klaus: Phew, thought this was a goner. All right. Let's beat it before security gets here.
Del: [Tearfully] You ruined it! You ruined it when you sat on that fish's face!
Snot: What's happening, Steve? !
[Sobs]
Klaus: Yep, that's a wrap on Chesterbrook! Let's keep it simple.

Snot: [to Toshi] LEARN ENGLISH! LEARN! ENGLISH!
Toshi: Eat... My... BOWLS!

Snot: We had to do it, Steve... you were out of control.
Barry: Like my cholesterol!

Charlotte: I'm a registered sex offender.
Snot: Where are you registered, and what have you still not received?

Steve: [to Snot] We have to get rid of that doll!
Snot: No way! I'm done!
Steve: Mount Vernon, dude.
Snot: I hated that trip! I pooed my pants on the bus ride there. That's a long time to pretend you don't smell anything.

Principal: Snot, you're Jewish; you'll be in charge of the money. Steve, you'll be in charge of watching Snot because I don't trust Jews. Come on, let's go play some blackjack!
Snot: Now? But we have geometry class.
Principal: I'll write you a note.
[writing]
Principal: "Dear Math Bitch, These kids ain't showing up. Love, your main man. P.S. One plus one equals the two of us. Plus one more would be nice though. Maybe Jill from the cafeteria. Or your sister Lisa - you know, when she's legal."

Snot: Let's not get bogged down in the details of who was masturbating where.

Gym: Now everyone hug and share a secret.
Steve: [Hugging Snot] I'm afraid of moths.
Snot: [Hugging Steve] My therapist says I'm a bad kisser.

Snot: Dudes! Vince Chung's throwing a bonfire beneath the water tower tomorrow night and get this: anyone can come as long as they bring booze or girls!
Barry: My sister's a girl!
Snot: Yeah, but they have to be prettier than Leelee Sobieski.

Snot: Steve I now have no choice but to get your mom to handle my nardledangers. Get ready pal. Your mom's gonna touch more sack than a medieval grain merchant on inventory day.

Steve: [In a flashback scene where Steve and his friends are young kids]
[to Snot]
Steve: Hey, you shouldn't be worrying about girls for another ten years. You should be worrying about blocks and making pee-pee on the potty. Girls, this guy's worried about!
Snot: You're right, Steve. You're always right.
Barry: Interesting how we've developed such a sophisticated hierarchy at this young age.
Steve: Shut up, Barry.
Barry: I'm at the bottom.

Steve: [All the boys are looking at drunk girls in bikinis] Oh yea, I'm going to hit that!
Snot: I'm going to tear that up!
Barry: I'm going to kill her with a bottle.

Steve: I don't know. Pepperoni doesn't seem like a last sleepover pizza. You know, because pepperoni starts out as one stick and then you have cut it all up. I fear it sends a message of separation more than unity.
Snot: You're killing me!
Steve: Don't bite my head off!
Barry: Yeah, don't bite his head off!
Snot: Shut up, Barry! You're just going to eat all the pizza anyway.
Barry: Hey, don't lob factual statements at me as if they're insults!

Steve: [after Steve learns that his friends went to Wild West Land without him] Last I checked, friends excursions included all of the friends. How could you come here without me?
Snot: Because you hate Jenny and you're jealous that I'm getting sniz on the reg.
Steve: Stop saying that!

Randy: Isn't playing "Popcorn" fun?
Snot: Something doesn't seem right here.
Steve: Yeah. At the very least we should've popped by now.
Randy: I'm the salt. All kernels have to wrestle me to get salted.

Snot: Hey, Steve. It's Thursday night, which means it's time to tease some pedophiles on the Internet.
Barry: An insurance salesman in Ohio wants to fly me to Disneyland.

Snot: Where are we? Smells like a Depeche Mode concert.

Snot: [to Steve after Debbie dumps him] You know what? You're better off without her. She's not fit enough to recalibrate your tricorder.
Barry: Or fit enough to wear people clothes.
Steve: That's the same lame joke from the Web page.
Barry: I mean I'm Barry.

Roger: [singing to the tune of Jingle Bells] Jingle bells Santa smells, everything's so lame, Christmas time is such a grime
[caroler shoves him]
Roger: Hey don't push me away! Hey!
Snot: [singing] Jingle bells I'm unwell watching others play, they have fun but I am bummed, cuz Santa skips my place
Roger: [drives his car through the mall] Crashing through the mall, cuz I'm driving while I'm baked, but I don't care at all
Snot: [pops up in the car with him] I was crying the whole way
Roger: Ha, ha, ha, ha
[singing]
Roger: See that Christmas tree, all those kids in line, all we see is red and green and a few ugly hate crimes
[drives past a Jewish boy being bullied]
Snot: [singing] Jingle bells hear me yell Jewish gifts are dumb, what's in the box oh it's just socks and not a paintball gun
Roger: [singing] Jingle bells this is hell, Hanukkah's so lame, compared to this it's like a briss, just chop my dick away!

Steve: Snot? Are you okay?
Snot: I almost didn't make it to school.
Steve: Oh, no, Jenny. What did she do?
Snot: Oh, Steve! We went to Taco King and then we rode the Ferris wheel, then we went to the beach and stayed up all night talking about our hopes and dreams. Then I fucked her! I finally did it, man. I'm not a virgin anymore.
[Steve has a shocked look on his face]

Ashley: [to Snot about her doll, Julia] You took advantage of Julia!
Snot: What? Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no.
Ashley: Get out!
Steve: What's going...?
Ashley: Both of you, get out!
Steve: No, no, wait!
Ashley: She was a virgin!
[holds Julia close to her]
Ashley: What's that, Julia? He didn't use a condom?
Steve: You didn't use a condom?
Snot: Are you kidding me?

Snot: Take it from someone who's getting sniz on the reg.

Roger: Hershel Hershbaum for the defense!
[to Snot]
Roger: Don't you worry, kid. I'll win this for ya. We'll get your foreskin cut off, all right.
Snot: What?

Snot: [after Hayley beats up Snot for taking her panties] That was amazing. Those are the luckiest panties in the world.

Steve: [narrating] We went out in search of a way to say goodbye to an absent father, but we found a lot more than that. We found each other, not to mention ourselves. And like the open road, we are infinite.
Snot: Will you shut up? You've been narrating for four hours.

Steve: Are guys really think, I'm a werewolf.
[as Snot ties his hands behind his back with rope]
Snot: Well we can't take any chances, there's a full moon tonight.
[Barry and Toshi then hold up a gag and kimono]
Steve: Wait a minute, I understand the rope. But what's the deal with the gag and kimono?
Barry: I don't know, but I walk into my parents, once and they were using all three.
Steve: But there's no way I'm...
[Barry shoves gag into Steve's mouth]
Barry: YOU LIKE THAT, DON'T YOU BITCH!
[Boys stare at Barry shocked]
Barry: That's what my mom says to my dad.

Snot: [Looking at Klaus dressed as a hamster] I can't wait to tell you about Jewish Camp.
Klaus: Wait, you came back from Jewish Camp?