Top 30 Quotes From Dead to Me

Jen: [Sniffling] . I didn't realize I had it so good when I was just, like, regular unhappy.
Judy: Yeah.
Jen: God, I would kill for some down-the-middle depression right now. Just some real good deep dissatisfaction.

Judy: Jen and I are becoming really close friends.
Steve: Judy!
Judy: What?
Steve: What kind of friendship is based on lies? And manslaughter?
Judy: A layered one?

Judy: I have to tell you something.
Jen: What?
Judy: [hesitates] He killed you.
Jen: What?
Judy: Ted. He told Bambi you were dead. Breast cancer.
Jen: No...
Judy: He said that he was a widower and that he was raising the kids all alone. Ugh... I didn't know if I should tell you or not.
Jen: [badly shaken] I don't know if you should have told me, either.
Judy: I'm sorry.
Jen: I can't fucking believe him.
Judy: Yeah. I know.
Jen: [in tears] What the fuck have I been doing here? I've spent months trying to... bring him justice, obsessed with trying to find the person that killed him, and for what? He fucking killed me!
Judy: Yeah. Yeah!
Jen: He's such a fucking asshole.
Judy: Right. He's the asshole.
[pause]
Jen: I'm glad he's dead.

Judy: You were in the car?
Steve: Jen, that was... honestly One of the worst moments of my entire life.
Judy: I'm so sorry.
Steve: Thank you.

Jen: Not everything is a fucking, like, Disney-movie's-about-to-start fucking castles with fucking sparkling time, okay? We are not in 'Snow White' here. We are in fucking 'Scarface.'
Judy: Well, I've never seen that.
Jen: Neither have I. No girls have. But we know what it's about.

Judy: Can I get you anything? You want a coffee or a pudding or weed?
Michelle: There you go.
Judy: Yes.
Michelle: I was wondering when you would share that.
Judy: I was hoping you'd be wondering.

Jen: I'm really sorry that I said you didn't belong. And you've... you've lost a lot, too.
Judy: But they were just miscarriages. It wasn't like I have actually...
Jen: Well, I think it is an actual... thing. I mean, not if a Republican is asking.

Jen: Mmm! Oh, God, I love you.
Charlie: I love you too.
Jen: What? What are those words I just heard? You didn't say, "Fuck you too"?
Charlie: Yeah.
Jen: You said, "I love you too"?
Charlie: No.
[Both gasp]
Charlie: .
Jen: Best day ever.

Jen: Here comes your boyfriend.
Judy: He's not my boyfriend, we're just hanging out. He has very healthy boundaries, which evidently is a real thing people can have.

Detective: I'm warning you, watch yourself. Because I sure as hell am.
Judy: Well, you know what? Good! Go ahead and watch me, because all you're going to see is a good fucking person trying to do the right fucking thing all the time! Maybe I shouldn't, maybe that's where I go wrong, but I can't help myself because it's in my stupid fucking nature! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pick up those paper bags because I don't want to seal the choke.

Jen: I don't want to feel any of this shit anymore.
Pastor: Jen...
Jen: I know I'm suppossed to forgive him because that's the way trough, and...
Jen: Look, see, I... I listen.
Jen: I just don't like to apply it.

Shandy: It's regarding the bird.
Jen: Okay.
Shandy: I killed it.
Jen: Oh, you did.
Shandy: I was trying to stop it from flying away, but I guess I squeezed it too hard. I didn't realize birds were mostly liquid.

Jen: I just had a really shitty day. Actually, a few shitty years.
Abe: Oh. I'm sorry.
Jen: It's okay. 'Cause I think maybe I deserve it.
Abe: [groans] I wouldn't be too sure of that. I don't believe in deserves. You think the child at Auschwitz got what he deserved?

Judy: What are you gonna do?
Jen: I'm gonna make him give a shit.
Judy: How?
Jen: Well, a good mother would take him to therapy, let him talk it out. But that just takes too long. So I'm gonna scare the shit out of him.

Judy: [Intercut phone sequence] . What are you wearing?
Jen: A pair of my husband's sweatpants and a T-shirt he got for running a 5K for psoriasis.
Judy: Slower.
Judy: You're a weird person, Judy.
Jen: [Chuckles] . Thank you.

Judy: Deja vu is just your brain reminding you to remember.

Steve: A detective came by the gallery today, started asking me questions about the Mustang. Freaked me out.
Judy: What kind of detective?
Steve: I don't know. A black one.
Judy: Oh! That's the guy I was dating. That's Nick. We're fine.
Steve: How are we fine? Why were you dating a black detective?
Judy: Don't be racist.
Steve: It's not racist to call him black.
Judy: It is when you say it.

Judy: Honestly, the whole thing is a misunderstanding.
Charlie: And you expect me to believe that?
Judy: Well, you're playing a game where the women have watermelon boobs, but can somehow run eighty miles an hour, so, I don't know what you believe.

Charlie: Canada's lame. It's like the PBS of countries.

[last lines]
Judy: This is my friend, Jen.
Jen: I usually look a little better than this.
Nick: Hello, friend.
Judy: This is Nick.
Jen: Hi, Nick.
Judy: He's a cop. A detective, actually.
Jen: You ever solve a hit-and-run?
Nick: Yes.

Michelle: Is there a lost and found here? I found this cigar box someone left in the room. You know, hidden in the box spring?
Judy: Oh, weird, someone left that there.
Michelle: Yeah, it's super weird. And I definitely didn't look inside to see that there was a bunch of weed and some car keys.

Detective: Long time, no see.
Judy: Shit. Yeah, well, you're not going to see me anymore, because I told Michelle that I'm not going to hang out with her anymore because I respect boundaries.
Detective: Do you? Because from what I've seen you always seem to be everywhere you shouldn't be.
Judy: Well, maybe that's just how you see it.
Detective: It is. That's what I just said.
Judy: Well, yeah, so?

Judy: Do you wanna go punch her?
Jen: No. I keyed her car.
Judy: You did? How did you know which one it was?
Jen: I don't know. I just guessed.
Judy: So, you keyed "someone's" car?
Jen: Yup. And then I bought a pack of cigarettes.

Jen: [Nick enters Jen's kitchen holding a slice of apple pie] Anyway, that's very nice of you to check up on me. I'm sure none of the reason you're here is to see Judy.
Nick: Oh! Nope. God, no. No, I'm really... I'm trying to avoid her, you know.
Jen: Right. By showing up to where she lives?
Nick: Yeah. Exactly. And ponder what kind of baked goods she might like.
Jen: Mmm. It's carrot cake, by the way.

Jen: She's his wife.
Steve: Whose wife?
Jen: The guy we hit.
Steve: We hit a deer.
Jen: Well, the deer had a wife.

Jen: [on a house tour] Is that a big elephant made out of ivory? That is fucked up.

Jen: She sees the good in people, even when it isn't there.

[last lines]
Judy: [answering her phone] Hello?
Jen: Judy, I need you to come home.

Pastor: I know you use cynicism as a way to deal with grief. You're not the first.
Jen: No. But I am the best.
Pastor: Oh, yeah. You've raised the bar.

Jen: I hit him.
Judy: No. I hit him.