Top 20 Quotes From Frasier, Season 4, Episode 13

Martin: So, you've been out on a double date, huh?
Beth: Well, sort of. We met this afternoon and the next thing we knew, your sons were taking us out to dinner and then to the Seattle Rep.
Martin: Oh, what did you see?
Laura: 'The Man Who Came To Dinner.' It's about a bad-tempered invalid that moves into these people's house and just drives them crazy.
Martin: Oh, comedy?
Frasier: I used to think so.

Martin: All right. Okay.
[reading to Daphne]
Martin: With a gasp of dismay, she ran to him, her amethyst eyes wide with alarm. 'You fool,' she hissed, 'Suppose someone saw you. The Duke's men are everywhere'.
[looks up]
Martin: Hey, this isn't so bad.
Daphne: I told you.
Martin: [reading again] 'You fool,' she whispered again, 'You sweet, brave, wonderful fool. I should have died had you not found my bedchamber.'
[suddenly embarrassed]
Martin: Oh, Geez!
[reads]
Martin: Then she was in his arms and all her qualms forgotten as she tore his tunic asunder and thrust her eager lips against the sinews of his naked chest.
[He looks over to Daphne who seems to be asleep. He turns some pages and starts reading again]
Martin: The next morning...
Daphne: You left out a section!
Martin: Okay, okay!
[goes back, reads]
Martin: As his brazen fingers peeled the silken fabric from her heaving...
[coughs the word bosom out as he turns red]
Martin: ... he beheld her quivering alabaster mounds.
[takes a huge gulp of his beer to wet his suddenly dry throat]
Martin: At that moment she felt the proof of his rampant passion...
[he sweeps his forehead of sweat]
Martin: against her milky thighs. His almost God-like beauty was marred only...
[he looks over to a sleeping Daphne]
Martin: ... by the fact that he was...
[closes book]
Martin: cross-eyed, three feet tall and had breath like owl droppings!

Niles: I just... I just... I wouldn't know what to say. And besides, I'm a married man.
Frasier: Oh, Niles, please, when will you get rid of that tired old excuse - your off again/off again relationship with Maris?

Frasier: I suppose we could share a table. There's a couple of seats available there.
[He gestures to a table where 2 attractive women are seated]
Niles: Oh good Lord. We can't sit with strange women.
Frasier: Why not? We married strange women.

Frasier: Hello ladies, excuse me, would you mind terribly if we joined you until another table opens up?
Laura: Oh, please do!
Frasier: Oh, thank you so much, that's very kind. I'm Frasier and...
[pauses to look at Niles wiping down his chair]
Frasier: ... this gentleman dusting for fingerprints is my brother, Niles.

Frasier: Niles, when are you going to stop letting Maris be an anchor on your social life?
Niles: Oh surely that is the most tortured metaphor you've ever come up with, "Maris" and "anchor".

Niles: She changed her mind, she doesn't want me to go through with this. Do you realize what's happening here?
Frasier: Yes! Your ex-wife is ruining my sex life!

Frasier: [trying to figure out if their double date is intimate or not] What do you suppose she meant when she said 'make our own entertainment?' But then again, there is that other part she said, 'sleep like a baby'.
Niles: Yes, they could be thinking platonic. The two of them in one room sleeping like babies.
Frasier: The two of us in another room crying like babies.

Niles: [Frasier has thrown Niles's cell phone out the door] What are you doing? What if she's changed her mind again, how I am supposed to know what to think?
Frasier: I'm just going to say this one last time. This weekend is not about thinking, it's about doing. Doing something that the Crane boys haven't done for a very, very long time! For once in our miserable, sex-starved lives, can't we do something pleasurable without thinking it to death?
[Unaware to the boys, Laura and Beth enter the room]
Frasier: Don't think about today, don't think about what's right! Don't even think of them as Laura and Beth! For tonight they are just two live, breathing, available female bodies who want us!
Laura: Think again!
[Laura and Beth slam their doors]

Frasier: You know, I think the key to a good kitchen is comfort.
Beth: Well, that's a whole current trend - a living room feel in the kitchen.
Niles: Except of course with our father, who favors a kitchen feel in the living room.

Niles: Well in honor of what happened today, a toast to winging it.What greater thrill is there than going down an unknown path, not quite sure where it will lead. Just enjoying the way that path wends and... and what it looks like and... and where it goes off to a...
Frasier: Perhaps you should have left a trail of breadcrumbs before you started down that toast.

Niles: Those two are coming on to us.
Frasier: You know, they are very attractive, Niles. Maybe we should ask them out.
Niles: On a date? We just met!
Frasier: [sarcastically] Good point, Niles. Perhaps we should go out with them a few more times before we ask them on a date.

Frasier: You feel like a new man, don't you?
Niles: I feel like a new woman, and thank God I remembered to pack one!

Martin: Nice meeting you, ladies. I'm really glad the boys brought you over. And it's been a long time since I said that and meant it.

[Frasier and Niles are trying to figure out if their dates' intentions are platonic or not]
Niles: Oh, I know! Their luggage will tell us! We'll put my bag in with your date's, and your bag in with my date's. They'll see the mistake, and the way they correct it will tell us with whom they're planning to spend the night - each other, or us - and either way, it'll all look like a simple misunderstanding.
Frasier: You've done this before!
Niles: Only on my honeymoon, now hurry.
[They start to move the suitcases, but Frasier stops]
Frasier: Niles, this is idiotic! We're both trained psychiatrists.
Niles: Yes, and finally it's paying off!

Niles: [to Maris, over the phone] I, er, well, here's the thing: I know that we're allowed to see other people. Em, my question is, how much of them are we allowed to see?

Niles: Well, Dad wasn't really thrilled with the women we married.
Frasier: Yes, fortunately my taste has improved a lot since then.
Laura: [suggestive] I think your taste is fabulous.
[pause]
Laura: I'm referring to the brandy, of course.
Frasier: [Looking into his glass] Hmm, velvety texture, great body.
[Eyes Laura suggestively]
Frasier: I'm not.

Frasier: Niles, I can't take this anymore.
Niles: These women are as inscrutable as sphinxes.
Frasier: Yes. Since we've got here all they've done is send us the most veiled, cloaked, cryptic messages. Can't they just give us one clear signal?
Beth: [enters] Well, I'm off to bed. Niles, are you coming?
[exits to bedroom]
Niles: [missing the implication] Curse these infernal riddles!

Niles: Just the mention of a double-bowled stainless steel sink with integral drain boards makes me hum like a sub-zero freezer.

Frasier: Well Niles, you don't need a decoder ring to understand the phrase, "Make your own entertainment!"