Top 50 Quotes From Grand Theft Auto V

Michael: [being hit by another driver] I don't like this car!

[from trailer]
Michael: You know, I've been in this game for a lot of years and I got out alive. If you want my advice - give the shit up.

[from trailer]
Michael: Why did I move here? I guess it was the weather. Or the... Ah, I don't know, that thing. That magic. You see it in the movies. I wanted to retire. From what I was doing, you know? From that, that... line of work. Be a good guy for once, a family man. So, I bought a big house. Came here, put my feet up, and thought I'd be a dad like all the other dads. My kids, would be like the kids on TV, we play ball and sit in the sun... But well, you know how it is.

Michael: [Ending A; Trevor burns alive and then perishes in a fiery explosion] You always liked gasoline, Trevor!
Franklin: Man, that was your best fucking friend!
Michael: [walks away] Fuck you. Aahh! You know what, tough guy? It's... it's time you grow the fuck up.
[anguished]
Michael: I mean, I admit I'm a bad piece of work. But that guy? That piece of shit! No boundaries. No sense of when to back off. No nothing! Twenty four seven insanity! Day in and day out! All the time! Never regretted nothing. Never cared for nothing. Well, fuck him. I mean... there's gotta be a limit, kid. You know? A point where even assholes like us say enough is e-fucking-nough. Human stew... that's my limit. I know that now.
Franklin: I guess that's that then.

Michael: Surviving is winning, Franklin, everything else is bullshit. Fairy tales spun by people too afraid to look life in the eye. Whatever it takes, kid: survive.
Franklin: Damn straight.

Simeon: This racist insulted me.
Lamar: What's up, foo? Who you callin' a nigga?
Jimmy: No, no, I'm not calling nobody a nigga.
Lamar: What the fuck?
Jimmy: I mean, N-word. I... that's not cool, man. I don't say that.
Lamar: You fuckin' right and you better keep it right.

Jimmy: Hey, let's bounce.
Michael: Bounce? We're bouncing now? Is that what we're doing? Jesus fucking Christ.

Wade: There's two Michael Townleys living in LS. One is 83 and the other is in kindergarten. I asked the teacher to put him on the phone just to be safe. She threatened to call the cops. I ain't no molester, Trevor.
Trevor: Shut up before I molest you, alright.

Lamar: Wassup, can a loc come up in your crib?
Franklin: Man, fuck you. I'll see you at work.
Lamar: Ah, nigga, don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful, nigga. Maybe if you got rid of that old yee-yee ass haircut you got you'd get some bitches on your dick. Oh, better yet, maybe Tanisha'll call your dog-ass if she ever stop fuckin' with that brain surgeon or lawyer she fucking with. Nigga...
Franklin: What?

Jimmy: [Michael is sitting on the couch watching a movie while Jimmy is upstairs playing Righteous Slaughter 7] Dude, do you even have a penis? Or are you one of those hermaphro-dudes born without genitals?
[Michael turns up the TV, but can still overhear Jimmy's remarks]
Jimmy: You suck cock for fun, only secretly, and then you feel bad about it.
Michael: [turns off TV and marches upstairs] God dammit. Jimmy! God dammit. The fuck you doin'?
Jimmy: Nothing.
Michael: Really? Because I keep hearing "hermaphrodite" this and "suck cock" that...
Jimmy: Go away.
Michael: What?
Jimmy: Go watch your linear entertainment. Go watch porn. Just go away.
Michael: Fuck, you lazy shit.
[picks up chair and smashes TV screen with it]
Michael: Fuck you!
Jimmy: What the fuck?
Michael: Disrespectful little asshole!

Ortega: What the fuck, Trevor?
Trevor: This *is* the fuck, my soggy friend! You are out of business. The Lost MC are out of business. The guns and crank in this area go through Trevor Philips Enterprise, or they ain't going!

Trevor: Who is this guy using my dead friend's tired-ass movie quotes with my dead friend's alias? And my dead friend's family? In a house that must have been paid for by my dead friend's stashed millions?
Wade: Wow, that's a real mind fuck.
Trevor: Yeah, I'll show you a fucking mind fuck. I'm gonna stick my boy in your eye, it's gonna come out your ear!
Wade: I-I-I didn't mean anything by that, T... T-Trevor.
Trevor: Lube up your eye hole, fucker, 'cause I'm gonna fuck your tiny mind! I'm about ready to turn you into roadkill!
Wade: Please, don't turn me into anything. I just wanna be Wade.

Trevor: You're like every other asshole. You made a bit of money, and you became a turd.
Michael: I've got news for you, I was always a turd.
Trevor: No! You weren't, man, you were something, but now, man, yeah, you're like this place, you're shell.
Michael: Go fuck yourself. Are you some kind of pure, morally justifiable asshole? What, because you're... You're totally psychotic, somehow it's okay?
Trevor: I'm honest, alright? You're the hypocrite.
Michael: Oh, yeah, you're a fucking hero. So far above it all.
Trevor: Oh, yeah? Well I'm not above ripping open your fucking chest to see what's replaced your heart!
Michael: Rip it open, see what's there, baby, 'cause I'm ready!

Wade: Floyd, it's me. Wade.
Floyd: Who?
Wade: Me, Wade. Your cousin.
Floyd: Who?
Trevor: [kicks open the door, knocking Floyd down] Your cousin! Fuck. He's come to visit you, you rude fuck. Now get up off the floor and fix me a fucking drink.

Trevor: [looking out over Los Santos] So Michael, this is where dead men come back to life. It's been nearly ten years. But you'll keep for another day or so huh, old friend? You motherfucking fuck! I grieved for you! You weren't even fucking dead. You were my best friend. Well guess who's coming to shit on your doorstep, you fuck!

Wade: Are we nearly there yet?
Trevor: No, Wade.
Wade: Are nearly NEARLY there?
Trevor: You keep this up, you're not gonna get there at all.

Trevor: You can jerk me off if I get bored. I'm kidding! You can suck me off.

Michael: You... are a hipster!
Trevor: What?
Michael: You're a hipster.
Trevor: I hate hipsters.
Michael: Classic hipster denial.
Trevor: I abhor hipsters. I eat them for fun!
Michael: Hipsters love saying they hate hipsters.
Trevor: Well, I really fucking do!
Michael: Self hatred. Common hipster affliction.
Trevor: Only because I'm living out here away from the Bean Machines, and the bankers?
Michael: You're gentrifying. Soon, the skinny jeans will show up, then the skinny lattes, and then the bankers. And you'll be somewhere else starting the cycle all over again. Maybe you're not a classic garden variety hipster, but you're what the hipsters aspire to be. You, Trevor, are the proto-hipster.
Trevor: I don't know what you're talking about. I don't agree with what you're saying. You're talking bullshit. And you're trying to wind me up. But I'm very, very angry, and I want this conversation to stop right away.
Michael: Hipster.
Trevor: Fuck you! Fuck you, Michael! Say it again!
Michael: I've made my point. I'm not a sadist.

Trevor: [showing Floyd his dick] Mine ain't nothin' special, but this boy gets the job done.

Michael: What a shit show. I'll tell you what, you could take this desert, and stick it. My life may be a world of pain, but from here on out it's gonna be cool, comfortable, air-conditioned pain.

Michelle: [holding a flashlight while interrogating a prisoner] Next, I'll have this thing so far up your ass, your tonsils will be playing shadow puppets.

Steve: Those bastards love to sell drugs.
Trevor: Who doesn't?

Mrs. Thornhill: Jock, do you see that lorry?
Trevor: What the fuck's a lorry?

Franklin: [they just killed Devin Weston, along with all their other enemies] Now what?
Michael: Now to keep a low profile and get on with our lives.
Trevor: As friends.
Michael: What, do I have a choice?
Trevor: No, not really.
Michael: Alright, then. As flawed, awful, totally uncomfortable, poorly matched friends. Absolutely.
Trevor: Well that's perfect, then we can get back to the kind of capitalism we practice.
Franklin: Shit, I don't know how much more better that is than Devin's kind.
Michael: Ooh, hypocrisy, Franklin. Civilization's greatest virtue.
Trevor: Jesus, your therapist has a lot to answer for.
Michael: I know. I still hate myself. But at least I know the words for it now.
Trevor: Yeah, but I hate you and I know the words for it. Does that mean I don't have to go to therapy?

Trevor: You look like you struggle with simple tasks.

Jimmy: Like, the other day, he posted a picture of his newborn, and I'm all like, "damn, son, that's one ugly-ass motherfucker of a baby. My balls is prettier than that baby," and I sent him a picture of my balls. Then I said, "I've seen roadkiller prettier than that baby. The hell is wrong with your baby?" and he's all like, "there's a problem with its chromosomes and it's actually a miracle it survived birth," and I'm all like, "it's actually a miracle I survived looking at a picture of its ugly..."
Michael: ENOUGH! Okay? E-fucking-nough!

Michael: Come back, we'll order pizza.
Trevor: Fuck you! Fuck your pizza. Fuck everything it stands for!

Trevor: [intentionally running into somebody] Oh, by the way, that's entirely your fault.

Michael: [during a robbery] Ladies and gentlemen! This is your moment! Please don't make me ruin all the great work your plastic surgeons have been doing!

Franklin: [as he, Michael and Trevor stand over Devin Weston, bound and gagged in a trunk] My bad, homie. I picked C. Ain't that a bitch?

Simeon: You tell me exactly what you want, and I will very carefully explain to you why it cannot be.
Franklin: What?

Dr. Isiah Friedlander: Your son, James. He's a good kid?
Michael: He's a good kid? A good kid? Why? Does he help the fucking poor? No. He sits on his ass all day, smoking dope and jerking off while he plays that fucking game. If that's our standard for goodness... then no wonder this country's screwed.

Elwood: [over phone] Trevor Philips.
Trevor: Elwood O'Neil, fuck you. Fuck you, fuck you, Fuck you!
Elwood: Trevor, it's business.
Trevor: That wide-eyed idiot was mine!
Elwood: It's business, fella! You wanna discuss it, we're at the farm! Ernie, Earl, Walton, Wynn, Dale, Doyle, Daryl, Dan - all of us!
Trevor: Start writing those names on tombstones, 'cause I'm on the way to your lab, and we're going to see how much of a family meth business you got when I'm done!
[hangs up and growls]
Trevor: All! Of! You! Are! Going! To! Die!

Amanda: Get a center, Michael. You have no center.
Michael: How about you suck my cock?

Michael: You know, Devin, the way I see it, and hey, I'm no intelligent businessman like you. But the way I see it, there's two great evils that bedevil American capitalism of the kind you practice: Number one is outsourcing. You paid a private company to do your dirty work, and then you under paid that company because you thought you were big enough and bad enough that you didn't have to play by the rules. Oh, number two: off-shoring your profits.
Trevor: Off-shore?
Michael: Oh, it's horrible. You wouldn't want to be sent off-shore just to save a little money, would you, T?
Trevor: Oh, no, I wouldn't.
Michael: Franklin?
Franklin: Oh, nah. I ain't goin' nowhere.
Michael: But we know your opinions on the matter, Devin. Keep your problems the fuck out of America, huh?
Trevor: In this instance, when he puts it like that, it makes sense.
Michael: Of course it does. Hey, Devin, goodbye, my old friend. Thanks for all the advice.
Franklin: Buh-bye.

Trevor: Is that sarcasm?
Michael: Oh, you're fucking A-right it's sarcasm! You fuck! A few weeks ago, I was happily retired, sulking by my swimming pool, and my psychotic best friend shows up out of nowhere to torture me over mistakes I made, honest mistakes I made over a decade ago! We, our little posse, are flat fucking broke, but hey, let's go out and spend two million dollars on a tandem rotor fucking chopper, so I can go steal nerve gas from fucking terrorists! Forgive me, you ignorant fuck, but sarcasm is all I've fucking got! Sarcasm, and a room full of you cunts!

Trevor: I asked for a fair day's pay for a fair day's work. Well, he kinda got a little angry. So, I admit, I kinda got a little angry too.
Michael: Did you kill him?
Trevor: What kinda fucking animal do you take me for? No, I didn't kill him!
[Michael sighs with relief]
Trevor: But I did kidnap his wife.

Lamar: [Lamar, Franklin and Trevor are cautiously approaching a house operated by a rival gang to buy drugs. A dealer approaches the door] Courier service. Package to collect.
Dealer: You got the grip?
Lamar: [Opens a duffel bag to reveal a large amount of money] Present and accounted for.
[the dealer slowly goes back inside]
Lamar: You like that, huh?
Dealer: [Re-emerges with a brick of cocaine] Sample?
Lamar: Now we talkin'!
[the dealer gives him a line of cocain off the edge of his knife, and Lamar snorts it with approval]
Lamar: Huh-huh-huh! My throat gettin' numb already!
Franklin: So we good, nigga, right? Well, let's go!
Trevor: How 'bout a taste?
Franklin: No, man! We leavin'!
Trevor: I want a taste of the other side of the brick.
Dealer: No, you heard what your boy said; you leavin'!
Trevor: [Reaches for the brick, which the dealer tries to pull away] Hey, gimme, gimme that! Gimme that... back!
[They snap the brick in half, revealing it's filled with drywall]
Trevor: Woah...
Franklin: What the fuck?
Trevor: [Furious] Did we ask for a key... or a fucking ounce?
Lamar: Man, that's motherfuckin' drywall!
Dealer: [to hidden thugs] Hey, we got some motherfucking buyer's remorse out here!
[Hides in the house]
Trevor: You can't fucking hustle a hustler!

Trevor: So, we ready to go on this?
Wade: Yep, although Floyd don't think it's a good idea meetin' at the condo...
Trevor: Tell Floyd it's a great idea to meet at the condo, and tell him we'll need chips and dip and prostitutes.

Trevor: You make me want a lobotomy!

Franklin: Fuck man, you know how it is, homie. You just start running and shit. Then all of a sudden your legs give in and you just can't run no more.

Trevor: Now go. I need to meditate. Or masturbate. Or both.

Lamar: I'm getting my money in the hood, I'm straight, fool. I'm cool!
Franklin: You cool? Cool what? Slinging dope and throwing up gang signs?

Michael: You forget a thousand things every day, pal. Make sure this is one of 'em.

Fabian: Did someone say yoga?

Trevor: [stomping Johnny Klebitz to death] Fucking shit, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt! Who the fuck are you speaking to? Who? Who? I'm talking to you huh? You fuck! Next time don't get in my fucking face! I just saw a fucking ghost and I gotta hear your crap? Get up! Get up! Fuck you then.

Trevor: I'll swing by and sign the contracts, alright? Just ignore the bodies!

Fabian: Namaste.
Michael: Nama-go-fuck-yourself.

[from trailer]
Michael: I'm rich, I'm miserable - I'm pretty average for this town.

Wade: I looked through the phone directory, and I did find a Michael De Santa. About the right age, married with two kids.
Trevor: What's his wife's name?
Wade: Amanda.
Trevor: Amanda? You're a genius, you moron. Come on, come here.
[offers his hand to help Wade up, only to punch him down again]
Trevor: Don't you ever not tell me things I wanna know!