The Best How I Met Your Mother, Season 1, Episode 18 Quotes

Barney: [after Lily tells Ted that Robin likes him] Lily, here's what you just said: "Ted, whatever you do, don't go up there. There's a beautiful girl who wants to have sex with you.
Marshall: And then she's gonna make you some delicious juice.

Barney: We haven't reached legendary yet. We're just at the "le." We still have the "gen", the "da", the "ry"
Lily: Well if we're at the "le" I say we follow it up with a "t's go home."
Marshall: Oh, you just got burned, phonics style.

- "And then she's gonna make you some delicious juice."
- No, he's not going up there.
- He has more sense than that.
- I did have more sense than that.
- Keep the change.
- Thanks.
- Thanks.
- But after 2:00 A.M, my good sense was sound asleep.

Korean: [On the phone] Ted, this is your main man, K.E. I want you to shake your tail feathers down here ASAP, you dig?
Marshall: [Takes the phone] Sorry about that.
Ted: Was that Korean Elvis?
Marshall: I'll explain later.

Sandy: We should have sex.
Robin: [Stunned] What?
Sandy: Why not? We're both available, we're both attractive, we're both good at it. At least, I'm good at it. And even if you're not, don't worry, I'll have a good time either way.

- This isn't my phone.
- Okay. Bye.
- I thought it was mine, so I answered it.
- Was it...?
- It was your girlfriend.
- You might want to call her back.

Marshall: [about Robin telling Barney she likes Ted] Wait. So I'm the only one that she didn't tell? She told you and not me?
Barney: Well, I guess I'm just better friends with her than you are.
Marshall: Well, I'm better friends with Ted than you are.
Barney: That is a lie!
Marshall: It is not a lie.
[Both Stand up and start simultaneously yelling at each other]
Barney: Okay, that's it! You and me! I'm not afraid of you!
Marshall: I'll show you things you never seen before! I used to box in the Army!

Robin: [In Lily's class] ... And so the life of a television reporter is very rewarding, and I strongly urge you to consider it as a career. Thank you.
[Girl puts up her hand]
Robin: Yeah?
Little: Do you have a fiancé?
Lily: Marshall was here yesterday. They just learned the word "fiancé."
Robin: Oh, no, I don't have a fiancé.
Little: Then who do you live with?
Robin: Well, actually, I've got five dogs.
Little: Don't you get lonely?
Robin: [With emphasis] No, I've got FIVE dogs.
Little: My grandma has five cats and she gets lonely.
Robin: Well, yeah, that's cats. I'm not some pathetic cat lady. Not that your grandmother is...
[Trails off]
Robin: Does anyone else have a...? Yes?
Little: Are you a lesbian?
Robin: No, are you? Just because a woman lives alone doesn't mean she's a les...
[Lily interrupts her]
Lily: Okay, let's have a big hand for Robin the reporter.

Lily: Okay, it's time for bed.
Barney: What? No. It's 2:30.
Lily: Nothing good ever happens after 2:00 a.m.
Barney: You know, I have found, in my travels... that all the best things in life happen after 2:00 a.m. When I look back at the best stories of my life - the Liberty Bell incident, the little scrape I got in at the Russian Embassy, the almost four-way.
Marshall: You never had a four-way.
Barney: I said "almost." All those things happened after 2:00 a.m; because after 2 AM is when things get- audience say it with me- LEGENDARY.

Ted: Nothing Good Happens After 2 a.m.

- "This long-distance thing sucks, huh?
- And I really need to talk to you tonight."
- She's going to dump me!
- She's not going to break up with you, Ted.
- Hello?
- Do you want to come over?

Ted: I made up my mind, I'm gonna end it with Victoria
Lily: Gonna?
Ted: Yes. First thing tomorrow
Lily: Ok, but, as of... right now, at 2.45 a.m you still have a girlfriend!
Lily: Ted, I love you. I love Robin, but if you do this right now, your entire future with her will be build on a crime.
Lily: Just go home Ted, don't do this the wrong way
Ted: I hate how you're always right
Lily: It's my best and most annoying trait

Ted: [Imaging a conversation with Victoria] I don't even like Robin that way.
Victoria: Then why are you picturing what Robin looks like naked?
Ted: I'm not picturing - Okay, even if I am picturing that, it's only because you put it in my head.
Victoria: Ah, but I am just a manifestation of your subconscious, so actually, you put it in your own head.

Robin: Do you want to come over?
Ted: Why? What's up?
Robin: Well, um, I just finally set up my new juicer and I was going to make some juice, and I was, like, "You know who likes juice? Ted."
Ted: I love juice.
Robin: Great. So you want to come over and make juice?
Older: When it's after 2:00 a.m., just go to sleep because the decisions you make after 2:00 a.m. are the wrong decisions.
Ted: Okay, sure. I'll come over. We'll... juice.

Older: And so, Barney was right - the night was legendary. It would come to be known as The Time Lily Kicked Korean Elvis in the Nards.

- It's fine. Yeah.
- Can I call you tomorrow?
- Totally. Totally.
- Call me tomorrow.
- Okay. Good night, Robin.
- Good night, Ted.

Robin: Have you ever had one of those days where nothing at all that monumental happens but by the end of it you have no idea who you are anymore or what the hell you're doing with your life? Do you ever have one of those days?
Ted: Uh, about once a week.

Ted: I got some vegetables. I got carrots, I got beets...
Robin: Or we could just drink vine.
Ted: Vine not. Huh. That's the stupidest thing I've ever said.

Older: Kids, your grandma always used to say to me, "Nothing good happens after 2:00 a.m.," and she was right. When 2:00 a.m. rolls around, just go home and go to sleep.

- I mean, there's five dogs in there, but...
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- I just, um... I have to run to the bathroom real quick.
- Okay.

Marshall: Ted, I don't want to swear in front of Korean Elvis, but what the bleep are you doing, dude?