The Best How I Met Your Mother, Season 4, Episode 3 Quotes

Ted: I don't want to move to New Jersey.
Stella: What?
Ted: I can't do it. And I can't see any reason why you and Lucy shouldn't move to New York.
Stella: Well, my daughter goes to school here. All of her friends are here. I've lived here my whole life. My whole family is here. This is my house. I'm on the PTA, and as of June 1, I'm the deputy mayor.
Ted: [feebly] Yes, but my apartment is really close to the subway.

- Thank you!
- Wait!

Stella: Ted, we're not moving, end of discussion.
Ted: How can it be end of discussion if there's never been a discussion?
Stella: This is part of being a parent. I can't just uproot Lucy.
Ted: People with kids move all the time. And... I think it would be really great for Lucy to grow up in the greatest city in the world.
Stella: Ah, here we go... New York's the greatest city in the whole wide world. It's where dreams come true and pigeon poop tastes like tapioca. Want to know a little secret, Ted? New Jersey is better than New York.
Ted: [Ted is shocked, but Stella is unmoved] Better than...? You think...? I... The Empire State Buil... H and H Bage... Lincoln Ce... Zabar's... Papaya King. New York is the intellectual and cultural hub of the planet.
Stella: New York is full of weirdoes, and snobs and mean people. Ted, do you know that once, an old lady actually called me a bitch and threw a cat in my face? And you want to know if that happened in New Jersey? 86th and Lex, right in front of your beloved little Papaya King. People are nice in New Jersey. I mean it's the kind of place where you know your neighbors.
Ted: Hey, I know my neighbors.
Stella: Oh, yeah? Like who?
Ted: Right across the hall, I got... Clax... pa... mon.
Stella: Claxpamon?
Lily: His name is Paxton.
Ted: Love that dude.

Lily: Okay, Stella this is crazy. You can't actually think that New Jersey is better than New York. New York has Broadway. We win right there.
Barney: [Barney desperately tries to get someone to fist bump him] Oh, no, she did not. Knuckle up for safety.
Stella: We have Atlantic City.
Barney: Can't beat the A.C.
[holding his fist]
Barney: Pretty please? No one has to know.
Ted: New York has Greenwich Village.
Stella: New Jersey has The Shore.
Lily: Woody Allen.
Barney: Oscar-winning chronicler of urban neuroses. Bump it!
Stella: Bruce Springsteen.
Ted: Sinatra.
Stella: Yeah, he's from Hoboken... New Jersey!
Ted: Yeah, but what city is he singing about? It's not 'Secaucus, Secaucus'.

Barney: [after Lily returns his fist bump] Thank you, Lily. My arm hasn't been this sore since I was thirteen and first learned to lock my bathroom door. Up top!
[Raises his hand for a high five; Lily just shakes her head no]
Barney: Oh, no.

- Robin, don't do this.
- I know it's scary to bet on yourself, but if you don't, nobody else will.
- And I'm not just saying that to get a fist bump.
- Although, come on, a fist bump would be great. But I really mean that.
- I am betting on myself. I am betting that I can make it there by 11:00.

- or, god forbid, disposing of a body.
- Ted, if you murder me and Bury me in New Jersey,
- I'll haunt you forever.
- But if I murder you and
- Bury you somewhere else?
- I'll leave you alone.
- I'm sure you had your reasons.

Marshall: I HATE NEW YORK! I'm sorry but it's true. Okay, today I was walking around Price Co. Have you ever been there? It's huge! All the stores in New York are so cramped, every time I turn I knock something over. I'm like some huge monster that came out of the ocean to destroy bodegas!... I hate it. I'M TOO BIG FOR NEW YORK! Okay? I'm always trying to fit into cramped, little subway seats, or duck under doorways that were built 150 years ago. Hey, guess what: People are bigger now! Build bigger doorways! What the hell is the matter with you?... And it's so loud. All the time! Yes, it's the city that never sleeps. Well, guess what: I like to sleep. I've been tired for eight years! Tired, and scared with black and blue marks on my elbows from trying to fit through all these tiny little elf doorways. New Jersey is great! It's got huge stores and lawns and you never have to carry a cup again. Not for the rest of your life. I'm not afraid to say it: I love New Jersey!

- when I'm walking down the street with you sing sha la la la la la la
- I'm moving here.
- Really?
- Really.
- New Jersey wins.

- Look, Stella, I get it, okay?
- I see what you're saying.
- I guess, we could live in Brooklyn.
- You know what, Ted?
- Live wherever you want.
- I don't care.
- Awkward silence. Tap it.

Lily: Ted, if you murder me and bury me in New Jersey, I'll haunt you forever.
Ted: What if I murder you and bury somewhere else?
Lily: Neh, I'll leave you alone. I'm sure you had your reasons.

Robin: You guys should have seen the other women at this audition. They all had more experience than me, were more ethnic than me. There was an African American chick with blue eyes. How can I compete with that?

Barney: [after everyone refuses a fist bump] I am not putting my fist down until it gets the privilege of someone else's knuckles tapping lightly yet decisively.
[Passes fist around]
Barney: Pretty, pretty?... Pretty, pretty?... Then know this. Until my fist gets the respect it deserves - Nay, demands - it will not yield. It. Will. NOT! Yield.