The Best How I Met Your Mother, Season 8, Episode 13 Quotes

Robin: This is Barney? This man is blonde. Grown men are not blonde!

- And then we're gonna have a reception in a big white tent on the front lawn of the hotel.
- Oh, and, uh, the colors are cream and lilac.
- I will cut you, bitch.
- No, L-L-Lily...

Narrator: [Talking about Robin] I made a pretty strong case that night, but in the end, she didn't want a DJ, she wanted a band. And guess what happened?
[Cut to four months later]
Ted: ...That's right, the band cancelled at the last minute, just like I said they would. The wedding is in a week and no bands. When will people realize I always know what's what?
Cindy: He says to the lesbian he dated for a month.
Ted: That's a fair point. Anyways, you guys wouldn't happen to know of any good wedding bands available at the last minute, would you?
Casey: Ted, do you believe in destiny?
Ted: You really don't know me, do you?
Cindy: We just had brunch with my ex-roommate.
Ted: The bass player?
Cindy: No, she's not just a bass player, she's a bass player in the best wedding band in the Tri-state area. They had a gig lined up for this weekend, but it just fell through this morning.
Casey: You, my friend, are gonna save that wedding.
Ted: Do you know any DJs?
Cindy: Dude! Come on!
Casey: Let it go bro, just let it go.
Ted: All right, all right, all right. Well, I guess it's a lucky thing I ran into you guys.
Narrator: And kids, "lucky" doesn't even begin to describe it, because if Robin and Barney had taken my stupid advice and hired a DJ, I never would have met your mother.

Barney: Your dad has something to say.
Robin: I'm sorry for getting married without consulting you. It was wrong of me.
Barney: [Thinking he's done talking] There, now Robin...
Robin: [Continues] I know that no mere apology will fix this, and that is why I've asked Carol for a divorce.
Barney: What?
Robin: She's heartbroken, understandably. Possibly suicidal...
Barney: [to Robin] I did not tell him...
Robin: [Continues, interrupting Barney] But if that's the price for my daughter's love, then I will gladly let Carol pay it.

- Like what?
- Sometimes I wish
- I wasn't a mom.
- Sometimes I want to pack a bag and leave in the middle of the night and not come back.
- Robin shouldn't be with Barney, she should be with me.

Ted: I am happy for them.
Lily: Is all you let yourself say out loud. Because if you said anything to the contrary, well, then that would make you the most awful person on this rooftop. So I'm gonna give you an out.
Ted: And how are you gonna do that?
Lily: By saying something that is even more awful.
Ted: Like what?
Lily: [starts crying] Sometimes I wish I wasn't a mom. Sometimes I wanna pack a bag and leave in the middle of the night and not come back.
Ted: [pauses] Robin shouldn't be with Barney, she should be with me.
[pauses again while they sit down]
Ted: Are you serious?
Lily: I don't know. I mean, I love being a mom, I-I love Marvin so much. But you remember when I wanted to be an artist? Art was my whole life, and... and now it's been months since I've even picked up a brush. I-I spend the whole day taking care of kids in my job, and I come home, and it's more of the same, and it's just... it never lets up. It's just really, really hard, Ted.
Ted: Have you talked to Marshall about how you feel?
Lily: Have you talked to Robin about how you feel?
Ted: [sighs] Fair enough.
Lily: I think we just have to accept our lots in life, and... I have to be a mom to a beautiful, wonderful, if slightly constipated little boy, and you have to let Robin and Barney get a band.

Lily: Well, well, well. Here comes the bride. Now the annoying part, right; planning the wedding. So not fun, right?
Robin: I don't know, I'm kinda looking forward to it.
Lily: Fine, I'll do it for you. First thing we need to do is set a date.
Ted: May 25th, 2013.
Lily: Thank you, Ted. The ladies are talking.
Robin: Actually, that is the date. Ted offered to help with a planning a little. And well, uh.
[Ted takes out a binder]
Lily: That's a big binder.
Ted: Oh, this. This is just cakes. Anyways, we are having the ceremony at that beautiful little church on Long Island where Victoria almost got married. Lovely spot. And then we are gonna have the reception in a big white tent on the front lawn of the hotel. Oh, and the colors are cream and lilac.
Lily: [Jumps at Ted] Imma cut you, bitch!

Robin: This is, like the fifteenth time my dad has sent me a friend request. I'm just gonna hit "accept".
Ted: No!
Marshall: No, no, no, no, no! Don't do it, Robin. You don't want to see what's behind that door.
Robin: What are you talking about?
Ted: He's talking about my mom's 2000-word review of Fifty Shades of Grey. And 14 of those words were "vulva".
Marshall: You're gonna get endless requests to play some game that has something to do with gangsters or farming.
Lily: Never mind the embarrassing cheerleading photos from highschool.
Marshall: Begged my mom to burn those.

Robin: You really should respond to my friend request. I post a lot of great stuff. You familiar with memes? There's a cat that says, "I can has cheeseburger?"

Marshall: [Changing Marvin's diaper] Oh, still clean. What's that little buddy, you're smiling?
[Confetti sprays all over Marshall]
Narrator: Kids, it wasn't confetti.
Lily: Holy confetti!