Top 150 Quotes From Raymond Holt

Raymond: I will not be using a loophole, Peralta. As always I will be using the main hole or no hole. I choose no hole.
Charles: You just said "hole" way too much, sir.
Jake: And that's coming from *Charles.*
Raymond: Yes, that is concerning.

Captain: [to potential ATV buyers] These machines are death traps. If you purchase one, you will be maimed.
Jake: [laughs] You won't be maimed. Most of the injuries are internal.

Amy: Maybe we should talk about deets of the case, plan our next move, grab a little chow.
Raymond: No need. I brought these.
[Pulls out protein bar-like packets]
Raymond: Nutrition bricks. I have original no-flavor and whole wheat no-flavor.

Jake: Sorry dude... But this new guy is gonna be another washed-up pencil pusher, who's only concerned with
[robotically]
Jake: following every rule in the patrol guide. Meep morp zeep. Robot captain engage.
Captain: Is that what you think?
Jake: He-hey! New captain alert.
[laughs]
Jake: You must be the new C.O. I'm Detective Jake Peralta. Great to meet you.
Captain: Now don't let me interrupt. You were describing what kind of person I'm gonna be. I'd like you to finish.
Jake: That's not necessary. Or I could recap very quickly, sure. Um, let's see. I think I said some joke about being a washed-up pencil pusher.
Captain: Now do the robot voice.
Jake: Which...
Captain: The robot voice you were doing when you implied I'm a rule-following robot. I wanna hear it again.
Jake: Meep morp... Zarp. Robot.
Captain: That's a terrible robot voice.
Jake: Yep.
Captain: The next time I see you, I'd like you to be wearing a necktie.

Captain: I'm having some trouble with my speech. All I've got so far is a poem.
Terry: Ooh, a poem. Sounds romantic.
Captain: [Reads] "Marriage is a contract between two adults of different families."
[Terry gives him a look]
Captain: It's a haiku... and a fact. It works on two levels.

Captain: [Captain Holt is trying to raise the group's moral, by throwing an after-work party] How about some tunes?
[upbeat Sousa march]
Rosa: [ironically, deadpan] Cool, merry-go-round music.
Captain: Yeah, John Phillips Sousa, the Skrillex of his day. C'mon, people, hit the dance floor. Have a good time.
[Starts dancing, but noone's following]
Captain: Why is no one having a good time? I specifically requested it. Gina, why aren't you dancing?
Gina: I can't. I'm in the middle of a feud with the "that's not a knife" guy from "Crocodile Dundee". He's being a real bitch.

Captain: [Diaz knocks on the door] Come in, Diaz.
Rosa: How'd you know it was me?
Captain: The restrained knock. Everyone else in this office plays my door like it's a marimba. The other day, Jeffords gave it three taps and two raps.
Rosa: Was he drunk?
Captain: One can only assume.

Officer: These fools don't stand a chance against us.
Jake: Yeah, they really are fools, aren't they? Just like whoever Agnes and Alfredo beat at singing to get into the Olympics. I know nothing about opera.

Chief: [On video] Hello, Raymond. Surprised to see me?
Raymond: Well, I didn't say Bloody Mary three times, so yes.
Amy: When did she record this?
Rosa: Judging by the flames around her, it could be a livestream.

Jake: A countdown clock, green text on a black background: we are in full-on action-movie mode. Now all I need is my no-nonsense captain to tell me to focus, because time is running out.
Captain: Peralta.
Jake: Yes?
Captain: You have something in your teeth. It's, uh, quite off-putting.
Jake: What? No. "Time is running out." I fed you your line. No one ever has something in their teeth in a movie. Watch a movie, stupid Holt.

Officer: Go, Cheddar. Arcessere. Means fetch. Cheddar's been taking Latin.

Raymond: You don't feel sad when a monster dies in a monster movie. In "E.T.," do you feel sad when E.T. dies?
Chief: Yes.
Terry: He wasn't a monster.
Raymond: He caused a real commotion.

Captain: [on the phone] Yes, Kevin, they moved it a full half inch. I'll tell you the entire story tonight. I love you as well. Goodbye. Oh, that was a fun several moments.

Jake: Sir, you cracked it! You and your big hard brain.
Captain: Hard?
Jake: Yes! You have the biggest, hardest brain on Earth, and I want you to say it. Say "I am Raymond Holt, and my brain is rock hard."
Captain: A brain shouldn't be hard. If anything, I'll say, "I am Raymond Holt, and my brain is soft and wet."
Jake: No, don't say that. It's gross and I hate it. All right, let's go do some cop stuff.

Captain: [about Jocelyn, Diaz's girlfriend] Now that the squad has all met her, surely you can't object to her having some rice with Kevin and me?
Rosa: Okay, it's just that you can be a bit judgmental.
Captain: What a stupid thing to say. Name one time when I have been judgmental.
Rosa: Okay.
Captain: [flashback] What a stupid thing to say.
[Back to present]
Captain: Oh, I see. Mere seconds ago.

Jake: Sir, there you are. We've been looking everywhere for. Kevin says he hasn't heard from you all night.
Captain: Yes, I've been sitting in my office wallowing in my hopelessness, and eating the saddest food known to mankind. Ice cream.
Charles: Oh, my god, he's Bridget Jones-ing.
Jake: Okay, well it's time to put that aside and pull out whatever food you eat when you're happy.
Captain: Dry beans?
Jake: Sure.

Raymond: So, Diaz, I've never been more excited. My first time playing the Jimmy Jabs, and I'm destined to win. Look at my competition.
[about Debbie]
Raymond: Little Miss Hay For Brains.
[about Hitchcock and Scully]
Raymond: The Hay Brains,
[about Jake]
Raymond: and King Brain Made of Hay.
Rosa: Well, you're forgetting about me. I'm also your competition.
Raymond: Yes, but you don't normally care about games like these.
Rosa: Well, I do care about this game. And you're gonna lose because my brains aren't made of hay. My brains are made of brains.
Raymond: Oh, ho. The perfect retort.

Captain: We need a different strategy
Jake: Ok, fine. How about this. I convince him I'm unstable. I run in there screaming, throw a chair through the two-sided mirror, glass goes everywhere. He's like "If Mad Dog Peralta would do that, who knows what else he's capable of?"
Captain: No offense but you don't get angry well.
Jake: What? That's not true. Remember how angry I got about how fast Daenerys got from Dragonstone to north of the Wall. That was intense.
Captain: You have a boyish face and a big, goofy grin. It's like being yelled at by a children's cereal mascot.

Captain: Show me the tip.
Jake: [mumbling] Title of your sex tape.

Captain: If you love someone, you'll remember what they look like.

Captain: [Terry has just fixed a copy machine] *It works!* I've never been more proud of you for anything in your life.
Terry: I mean, I've solved a lot of cases for you.
Captain: And yet crime has continued.

Chief: Oh, Raymond, that you came to me to ask for help shows how much you've matured. You know what else shows how much you've matured? Your withered face.
Captain: Now I know why you refer to this as a Suicide Squad, Peralta, because I already want to kill myself.
Chief: Why don't you wait a week? You'll probably die of old age.
Captain: The only way I'm going to die is if you touch me with one of your bony fingers and drag me across the River Styx, you reaper.

Jake: For the final heist, we will all be competing for this.
Raymond: Is that my medal of valor from the very first heist?
Jake: It is modeled after it, yes, but this far more meaningful.
Raymond: I got mine for saving the life of Maya Angelou.
Jake: Boring! This one says Grand Champion on it and it's made out of golt, a non-gold alloy that should not be handled by women who are pregnant or nursing. Yours is garbage.

Captain: Ah, Boyle, there you are. I have a question for you.
Nikolaj: Daddy, wait up!
Captain: Oh, your non-adult is at our place of work.

Raymond: [about Madeleine Wuntch] What does that human blister want now? Does she intend to demote me even further? Or perhaps she'll transfer me to the swamps of New Jersey so I can patrol the sinkhole where she was spawned.
Jake: Or it's possible the announcement has nothing to do with you.
Raymond: Oh, good thinking, Peralta. You're right. Maybe Madeline wants to inform us all that she's a Cheuksin.
Jake: A what?
Raymond: A Cheuksin. A Korean toilet ghost, lives in an outhouse, wraps her hair around your throat and chokes you to death while you move your bowels.
Jake: You know what? I will give you $6,000 if the announcement is she's a Cheuksin.

Raymond: O'Sullivan wants me to issue a statement of public support for the officer to give them all extra hazard pay, and to wear this Never Forgive Burrito ribbon.
Scully: Weird, it's the exact same color as my Color Blind Awareness ribbon!
Raymond: No it isn't.

[last lines]
Jake: That's how we do it in the Nine-Nine, sir. Catch bad guys and look good doing it.
[winces and fidgets]
Captain: What is wrong with you?
Jake: Never took off the Speedo. Big mistake. It is inside me. Great work, team!

Bob: Chocolate is the devil's carob.
Captain: And carob is Satan's raisin.

Captain: Hello, Deputy Chief Wuntch. You've aged.

Kevin: Sure, my husband is a hot piece of ass, but he is so much more than just that. Raymond Holt is as smart as anyone in this department, but he chooses to use his intelligence to make our city a better place. One day, I hope to live up to the standard you set. You make me want to have a wetter brain.
Captain: Oh, Kevin.
Jake: Y'all are hella specific.

Deputy: Hello, Raymond.
Captain: Captain Wuntch. Good to see you. But if you're here, who's guarding Hades?

Raymond: Sarcasm... the coward's lie.

Captain: My father never saw my potential. In grade school, I wanted to spend all my free time drawing graphs and charts, but he insisted that I play basketball, as if I cared about slam dunking a three pointer.

Jake: [phone ringing] He's calling. Wait, Kevin, we didn't go over how you answer the phone.
Captain: There isn't time. Just answer.
Jake: Okay.
[answers phone]
Jake: You've reached Professor Kevin Cozner. Please start speaking when I finish this sentence.

Officer: I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die before I ever got to find my twin sister's killer.
Raymond: What?
Officer: That's the reason I joined the force, remember? To find the man who murdered my twin sister. That's my whole story!
Raymond: Debbie, there's no you told me that.

Raymond: I'm off to walk my beat again, much like Sisyphus, condemned to push the same boulder up the same hill day in and day out.
Terry: You know, according to French philosopher Albert Camus, Sisyphus achieved happiness in that absurd repetition.
Raymond: Any French philosophy post-Rousseau is essentially a magazine.

Officer: [spying on Jake and Amy in bed with a hidden camera] Sleep, sleep, you ugly morons.

Captain: I made an application to the M. C. Guffin Foundation for a grant to upgrade our office equipment. Unfortunately, they require a video submission. I understand you have some filmmaking experience.
Gina: Well, you know, I've been re-Vined by Rob Kardashian, so, yeah, I'm a director. Here's what I'm picturing: I enter, in, like, a Fellini-style getup. Rosa's dressed like a porcupine...
Captain: [Interrupting] Oh, no, no. We're just gonna do a simple, straightforward tour of the precinct featuring Detective Diaz and me.
Gina: Are you sure? You're not our most dynamic screen presences.
Rosa: I can be dynamic. Exclamation point.
Captain: Well, Diaz and I have that kind of easy chemistry - where we finish each other's...
Rosa: Sentences.
Captain: Please, don't interrupt me. That kind of nonsense won't happen on camera.

Jake: The point is, without any good leads, Kelly will give the order to use the stingray an order that we will record thanks to our very own Madeline Wuntch.
Chief: Not possible. Kelly won't tell me anything. He won't even meet with me.
Captain: Perhaps you can sneak in disguised as an old leather chair.
Jake: Will you calm down? She works at One Police Plaza. All you have to do is run into him.
Chief: [fantasy scene] Commissioner Kelly.
John: Oh, Madeline. I didn't see you there. I thought you were an old leather chair.
Jake: [reality] He's not gonna say that.
Captain: He might.

Gina: Would you tell the sky to stop being so blue?
Captain: Yes, I wish it were tan. It's my favorite color. It's no nonsense.

Sergeant: The NYPD servers have internal backup batteries. Even if we unplug them, they'll stay on for another two hours.
Captain: As a captain, I have an override code I can use to wipe the servers clean so there'd be no information for the hackers to steal, but there's one problem, Jake.
Jake: Yes, sir?
Captain: You still have something in your teeth. You tried to get rid of it, but it's made it much more prominent.
Jake: Why would you stop everything just to tell me that?
Captain: It's very distracting.

Terry: Focus on the good. You can hold your head up: you took the high road with Wuntch.
Captain: Not entirely. When I was alone in her office, I changed her auto-correct. Now when she types "Wuntch," it gets replaced with "Butt."

Terry: I can't play favorites. You never did when you were in charge.
Raymond: Of course I did.
Terry: Really? I never got any special treatment.
Raymond: I think you can do the math there.

Captain: And now it's time to send in our cute little secret weapon.
Charles: I'm ready, Captain. I love the nickname.
Captain: No, Charles, not you. I was talking about Cheddar.
Charles: Oh, right, obviously.
Captain: Over the past month, I've had him trained to retrieve plaques. And now, boy, it's time to make Daddy proud.
Charles: Yes, sir.
Captain: I could not have been more clearly talking to the dog.

Captain: I don't think your wrist is supposed to move like that.
Jake: No, it's been like this since I broke it playing football in high school.
[Captain Holt doesn't believe him]
Jake: Fine, I petted a horse too hard.

Jake: Guess what I'm holding behind my back?
Captain: Before we begin, what are the parameters of the guessing game? How many guesses do I get? Is there a time limit?
Jake: Forget it. You ruin everything. It's the police code and ethics manual. Chapter four. Page 83.
Captain: You should not have told me. I never would've guessed it. Now I've won.

[repeated line]
Raymond: *Hot damn!*

Terry: [Holt has officiated at the wedding] I gotta hand it to you, Captain. That was some ceremony.
Captain: It wasn't difficult. I simply said what I wish had been said when Kevin and I got married.
Kevin: Oh, well, then I never would have heard your hilarious "efficient/officiant" quip.
Captain: Hmm, you're right. I regret nothing. But all this does make me think I might enjoy a more festive expression of our commitment to one another.
Kevin: Are you suggesting we hold an honest to goodness wedding?
Captain: Hmm. Nothing too elaborate. We're not the Kardashian-Wests, after all. They are a musician and a celebrity personality who recently wedded.
Kevin: Yes, yes, I know, they were answers on Jeopardy.
Captain: I think you mean questions.
[Both laugh]
Terry: [pauses] You guys are fun.

Gina: I did not follow you to PR to watch you quit. I followed you because you're great and because you make everything you touch better, and I figured PR would be the easiest path to launching my reality show "Linetti, Set, Go."
Captain: I thought your reality show was to be called "Gina in a Bottle."
Gina: No, that was my fragrance line. Keep up.

Rosa: [Trying to solve a riddle] I can do this. One guy's slightly heavier. There's a seesaw. I got it.
[In Holt's office]
Rosa: You use the seesaw to press down on their necks until fatty confesses.
Raymond: Incorrect.
Gina: Damn.
Raymond: And disturbing.

Jordan: A great viral video like that could fetch me ten grand. And do you know what type of tanning bed I could get for that kind of money?
[beat, then intensely]
Jordan: A mid-range one.
Captain: Not necessary. Your tan is great as-is. You look like an evenly-stained deck.
Jordan: All right, dude. Keep it in your pants. Like, I get why you're into this, and I could see something going on with us later, but right now, I need the cash.

Jake: The point is a crime has been committed, and someone in this room did it. There are seven suspects all with means and motive. It appears what we have is a classic whodunnit.
Raymond: The phrase "whodunnit" is a grammatical abomination. Please use the proper term, a "who has done this."
Jake: I will not.

Raymond: Lieutenant, as you know, I've been walking the same beat for the past three weeks. It's become a bit tedious.
Terry: I thought you loved tedium.
Raymond: I love monotony. They're very different.

Raymond: Wait, Wuntch is dead?
Terry: Yeah. The Commissioner's office just notified us.
Raymond: No way that's true. As Wuntch says when she sees deodorant, "I'm not buying it."

Rosa: Captain Holt hates pranks. This is gonna backfire, man.
Jake: Ugh, fine, I'll tone it down. I'll... move his podium a foot to the left.
Amy: What? He'll be so angry.
Jake: Okay, five inches.
Amy: Five?
Jake: Three?
Amy: Three!
Jake: One?
Amy: One?
Jake: All right. I'll move it a half inch.
Amy: Fine. It's your funeral.
Jake: Oh my god. Worst prank ever. So stupid. Holt's not even going to notice.
Captain: Good morning.
[He puts his papers on the podium but stops for a second, realizing something is off]
Captain: You guys... the podium, it's... Ha.
[chuckles]
Captain: [laughter intensifies]
[riotous laughter]
Captain: [shouting] You're crazy! How did you pull this off?

Captain: Nothing's okay. Wuntch Circling me like a shark frenzied by chum. The task force, turning into a career-threatening quagmire. An internal affairs investigation casting doubt upon my integrity. And you ask, "is everything okay?" I am buffeted by the winds of my foes' enmity and cast about by the towering waves of cruel fate. Yet I, a captain, am no longer able to command my vessel, my precinct, from my customary helm, my office. And you ask, "is everything okay?" I've worked the better part of my years on earth overcoming every prejudice and fighting for the position I hold. And now I feel it being ripped from my grasp. And with it The very essence of what defines me as a man. And you ask, "is everything okay?"
Scully: [pause] Yeah, I hear you. My dog has taken over my favorite chair. It's like, how did it all slip away?

Raymond: As many of you know, Madeline and I were bitter rivals, but I've come to realize she held a special place in my life. No one challenged me like she did or made me feel as alive. Our relationship was like an epic chess match. And it's hard to believe that... She'll never make another move.
[He hears a notification on his phone]
Raymond: Unless...
[He checks his phone]
Raymond: No, it's just a notification. Cheddar's doggy toothpaste has shipped. So she is gone, and I wish she were not. I will miss you, Madeline Wuntch.

Captain: I don't like this. I wouldn't wish working with Madeline Wuntch on my worst enemy, and my worst enemy is Madeline Wuntch, whom I hate.

Scully: I gotta say, I'm loving these. I always wanted to wear Hammer pants.
Raymond: Stop.
Scully: Hammer time?

Scully: Thanks, everybody, for coming out to Hitchcock's divorce party.
Raymond: Why is the cake two men getting married?
Scully: That's me and Hitchcock. The boys are back together!
Raymond: This cake is for a gay wedding. The inside is a rainbow.
Scully: Nuh-uh. It's my favorite flavor: All the flavors!
Hitchcock: I can't believe Bethany's gone. It was so out of the blue.
Jake: Well, not entirely. I mean, she did have an affair with her hairdresser, and you filmed it and threatened to release the tape, and then she said she didn't care and put it on the internet herself, and then, when it started to make money, you sued her for half the profits.
Hitchcock: And then boom, out of the blue: Divorce papers.

Adam: Excuse me. Is this the memorial for Madeline Wuntch?
Raymond: Yes, this is the memorial for Madeline Wuntch. Just saying her name brings tears to my eyes.
Adam: Why, because her heart was made of onions?
Raymond: Excuse me?
Adam: Madeline Wuntch was what you get when you cross a slug with an anal fissure. We spent our entire lives trying to destroy each other. I was her one true nemesis.
Raymond: No!

Doug: Criminals? That's how you see us? Is it a crime to steal bread to feed your family? Or to sell some weed so you can buy video games? Or to steal video games, because you smoked all that weed you were supposed to sell?
Captain: Yes, all of those are crimes.
Doug: Damn, even the bread one?
Captain: Especially the bread one.

Raymond: I'm gonna need you to hand in your badge and gun.
Jake: All right, fine, you can have my badge and gun, but we're doing it in your office so I can slam them down on your desk and yell out, "The system stinks!"
Raymond: Actually, the procedure is to bring your gun and badge down to the equipment room on the second floor, fill out form 452-underscore-J, hand said form in to the inventory clerk, and then receive a claim check through interoffice mail.
Jake: The system stinks!

Terry: All you have to do is say a few nice comments during the memorial.
Raymond: As God said when Wuntch tried to sneak past the gates into heaven, "It ain't happening, honey."

Captain: So what you made you think of using drosophila as a method of searching for blood traces?
Dr. Ronald Yee: Have you ever read Sung Tz'u's textbook, "The Washing Away of Wrongs" from 1235?
Rosa: Nope.
Amy: Yes.
Captain: Which edition?

Bob: I spent 14 years bringing down a Mexican cartel. You know what they gave me for it? A letter of commendation with my last name misspelled.
Captain: In all fairness, Bob, who spells Anderson with three Ns?

Jocelyn: Excuse me, do you have a less crinkly dollar I could trade you for?
Captain: Of course I do. None of my dollars has a single crinkle. When they do, I steam them.
[Hands her a dollar bill]
Jocelyn: Oh. Wow, that is crisp.
Captain: [Looks at the crinkly dollar she gave him] Can't wait to get this baby home and flatten it out.

Jake: Let's bring it in, huh? "Suicide Squad" on three. Ready? One, two...
The: I don't touch other dudes' hands.
Charles: Whose hand is sticky?
Captain: It might be me. I ate a popsicle earlier.
Captain: It's probably Madeline. Cockroaches release a mucus-like secretion.

Captain: Fine, I guess I'll just stop the party.
Terry: I didn't realize it ever started.

Captain: I don't enjoy being judged, so I'm on my way to Atlantic City for the weekend. I'll be gambling.
Jake: No, sir, please just come back, okay? Terry and I will keep you company. We'll go to a museum. One of the boring ones with no dinosaurs.

Captain: Gina, where have you been? You left your cell phone at your desk and I assumed you were dead.
Gina: Hm, I would clearly be buried with my phone.

Chief: Hello, Raymond. How do you like my new office? Twentieth floor.
Captain: Yes, I never thought I'd see you this high without a broom under you.

Officer: I can't believe the two strongest competitors got partnered up. We're a dream team like in the 1992 Summer Olympics.
Jake: Okay, I know you're not talking about basketball, so just tell me what weird sport you think the Dream Team was from.
Officer: Sport? I'm talking about the opening ceremonies. Agnes Baltsa and Alfredo Kraus singing back-to-back arias.

Raymond: This is a nightmare of mine. I have a phobia of elevators. It stems from a traumatic experience I had as a child.
Young: [Flashback] They only perform rated-load testing on city elevators every five years? Oh, my.
Raymond: [Present] That was the last time I read the municipal code before bed. But... the damage was done.

Captain: Care to sit? I'm sure you'd like to take some weight off your cloven hooves.
Deputy: Calling me the devil? How original, Raymond.
Captain: Actually, I was calling you a goat. You goat.

Captain: I could turn this department around if you'd let me. You're wasting my talents.
Gina: This man is a Timberlake, and you need to stop treating him like a Fatone.

Captain: So nice of you to stop by, Kevin. Enjoy your day. I hope it's productive.
Kevin: Thank you, Raymond. I hope your day is productive as well.
[Holt and Kevin shake hands]
Kevin: PDA in the office? My, my.
Captain: Couldn't help myself.
Kevin: Oh, may I please use the precinct facilities before I head to work?
Captain: Yes. Thank you for asking for permission.
Kevin: Thank you for granting it.

Raymond: Whoever did this is facing a massive suspension, and there's no use hiding because Dillman will smoke you out.
Terry: Right, but is there any way he could hurry it up? So far it's just been a lot of silent pacing.
Raymond: Would you ask a heart surgeon to hurry it up?
Terry: I mean, I would if he was just walking around a room.

Jake: [Looking over pictures of their new Captain] Okay, we've got her meeting the mayor, her dog-sitting for Bo Obama, Malala giving her an award, but no photos of Wuntch.
Raymond: That's because vampires don't appear on film. Perhaps we should be looking for a 17th-century woodblock print.

Captain: Gina, get your whackadoodle out of here.

Jake: [He knocks a pencil off Holt's hands] Sorry not sorry. It was just a stupid pencil.
Captain: It was a gift from my deceased father.
Jake: A pencil? Your dad gave pretty bad gifts.
[laughs]
Jake: Although on the other hand, all my dad ever gave me was abandonment issues, so, potato-tomato.

Raymond: I paired a crab cake with a cooked Côtes du Rhne... like an animal.

Raymond: Meat. From the street. Sounds like a fun treat.
[Chuckles]
Raymond: I'm a poet and didn't even know I was rhyming those words. But it happened anyway.

Jake: Sir, I'd like to talk to you about the new task force you're on the hiring committee for.
Raymond: The Special Tactical Operations and Auxiliary Strategic Response Citywide Emergency Investigative Unit for Emergency Operations? You know, I had a hand in naming it.
Jake: And it's great, although you might wanna try shortening it, maybe using a cool acronym.
Raymond: So, the S.T.O.A.S.R.C.E.I.U.E.O.? Hm, you're right. That *is* cool.

Jake: Okay, to get into the basement, we're gonna have to distract her, so here's what I'm thinking. Maxwell Maxwell turns on the charm. Unbutton your jumper and say, "The thing about gas lines is, "the pressure builds and builds and it just needs a little... release."
[moans]
Jake: You don't have to make that sound, but if I were you, I definitely would.
Raymond: No one will be talking about release or making the sound of a rodent in labor.
Jake: It was a sensuous moan, but fair enough.

Jake: Okay. We have a few more questions for you, doctor.
Captain: Doctor. Huh. It's funny when people call dentists "doctor".
Philip: We are doctors. We do four years of medical school.
Captain: Yeah, but it's called "dental school".
Philip: But we learn about the entire body.
Captain: But if you had cancer, you wouldn't call a dentist.
Philip: You know it's actually harder to get into dental school than medical school.
Captain: Well, because there are fewer dental schools. Because most people want to become actual doctors.
Philip: That's ridiculous. It's not like we're college professors calling ourselves "doctors".
Captain: Not the same thing, my friend.
Philip: Well, sure it is. When someone has a heart attack on a plane, do they yell out, "Yo, does anybody here have an Art History PhD?"
Captain: A PhD is a doctorate. It's literally describing a doctor.
Jake: Maybe let's refocus.
Captain: No! The problem here is that medical practitioners have co-opted the word "doctor".
Jake: Okay, Captain...
Captain: I know we live in a world where anything can mean anything, and nobody even cares about etymolo-!
Captain: Apparently that's a trigger for me.
Jake: Yeah, apparently.

Raymond: [about his old partner] Dan Hammer.
Jake: That name is so cool, it doesn't need a nickname.
Raymond: Ah, but he had one. Snake Eyes.
Jake: Oh, Snake Eyes is a great one.
Raymond: Oh, yeah. He was the toughest son of a bitch I ever met. When he died, he stuck out his middle finger so he'd be flipping everyone off at his funeral.

Jake: My lady left me.
Captain: My lady stayed.

Rosa: Oh, were you able to send that email to Adrian?
Captain: Oh, yes, he wrote back right away. It wasn't as graphic as I feared. He wrote the number eight equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, capital D - oh. I see what this is.

Raymond: At 3:30 am this morning I seem to have sent Kevin a digital phallus portrait.
Rosa: A digital phallus portrait, what's that? Oh no! You sent him a d**k pic.

Amy: [Catching Jake and Holt trying to sneak off to read Captain Kim's mail] Seriously? The bathroom sneak-off? It didn't work for Dana McAlpin trying to smoke a joint at the Winter Carnival Dance, and it's not going to work for you. Give me the mail. Hmm. You just got "chaperowned", O-W-N-E-D.
Jake: Spelling is never cool.
Officer: Wrong, that was extremely cool. Now I understand why you're "into her."
Jake: Now you understand? You officiated our wedding.

Gina: Captain, I know this isn't my place to say, but Madeline Wuntch is here to see you.
Captain: Actually that's exactly your place to say. You are my assistant. What precisely did you think your job was?
Gina: Ideally? Bullfighter. But it's such a boys' club.

Captain: Don't worry, I'm not listening to you. I'm just thinking about how this sea bass is cold. But not as cold and cruel as the hands of fate that have thrust my entire life into darkness.

Officer: We may be arguing, but we're all thinking the same thing: Terry talks about his children too much.
Lieutenant: Do I really? You all think that?
Officer: Keep a lid on the box, Pandora. You won't like what's inside.

Raymond: I could really use this day off to spend some time with my husband.
Rosa: Oh, please. We all have loved ones. You're not getting any sympathy just because you're gay.
Jake: Rosa, I don't think he was...
Raymond: No, I was. She saw right through me. Nevertheless, I will destroy you all.

Doug: I sold a guy a fake Pekinese. 'Twas a cat.
Captain: You will not win me over with your use of 'twas.
Doug: 'Twasn't trying to.

Captain: [Speaking to Jake] You're a good cop. Even if you are a thirsty-ass bitch.

Raymond: We have to let the investigation run its course. Right now, everyone's a suspect.
Rosa: Except for Hitchcock and Scully. Whoever did it took the stairs.

Captain: Hello, you've reached the office of Raymond Holt. I can come to the phone right now.

Terry: Today is Holt's first day back in his office and I wanna make sure everything is just how he left it. Now, I can't remember, was this little figurine of Cheddar at a 45 or 50 degree angle?
Rosa: Terry, it's a five degree difference. You better figure it out.
Raymond: Ah, I missed this place. Huh, little Cheddar's askew. You really made yourself at home, didn't you Jeffords?

Raymond: Excuse me, but does it seem slightly warm to anyone? I feel it is quite warm.
Jake: What was that? You were supposed to cause a drunken scene.
Raymond: I was. I raised the volume of my voice 9%, as inebriated people do, and I spoke of the resultant rise in body temperature.

Captain: Santiago, shall we join forces?
Amy: Ooh, smart, teaming up with the reigning champ.
Captain: Again with this nonsense? I'm the reigning champ. The only thing you won last heist was a lifetime of mediocre heterosexual intercourse with Jake.

Jake: Perhaps the kidnapper's watch is slow.
Captain: Oh, dear God, if his watch is slow, there's no telling what else this psychopath is capable of.

Terry: Motorcycles are death machines. I have three kids. I'm not risking it.
Captain: Are you saying my life matters less because I don't conform to society's heteronormative child-centric ideals?
Terry: Are you really playing the gay card right now?
Captain: Yas queen.

Amy: All right, I know what's going on here. You two still don't trust Captain Kim and you're here to snoop on her.
Raymond: I don't know what you're talking about.
Amy: Please. Look at your shoes. You only wear sneakers for their literal purpose: sneaking.
Jake: That's crazy. He's wearing perfectly normal...
Raymond: No, she's right. The clown shoes gave me away.

Captain: Thank you for coming in on your day off. I know you'd all rather be at home, binge watching media content.
Jake: Oh! I just started the second season of media content. No spoilers.

Captain: [Auditioning for the role of a criminal in an undercover mission] I was bad from a young age. At school, I pushed people. And this wasn't horseplay. This was pushing to hurt.

Jake: The 92nd Street Y, I had a wonderful symposium on just that topic.
Kevin: That's it. You're getting it.
Jake: Ah, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
Captain: Don't say "cool," instead say "indeed."
Jake: Oh, indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed.
[laughs]
Jake: It's weird.

Raymond: Wuntch's grave.
Rosa: Wow. Did Terry put up a balloon arch just for the heist?
Raymond: No, that was me. I come every week to install a fresh one. But enough chit-chat. Let's dig her up.
Amy: I don't think we wanna do that.
Raymond: Why, are you scared of what she'd look like? She's just a corpse with worms for eyes, no different than when she was alive.

Raymond: I'm saying the Nine-Nine just became a case study for how a police force can work better with fewer police.
Frank: Are you actually talking about laying off cops?
Raymond: If these numbers persist, I may have no choice.
Frank: Then I'll just end the Blue Flu.
Raymond: Great. That's what I want.
Frank: Then I won't end the Blue Flu.
Raymond: Great. Fewer cops. That's what I want.
Frank: You just said that--
[beat]
Frank: This is a very frustrating conversation.

Raymond: How can you not know your own wife's phone number?
Jake: It's saved in my phone. Stupid smartphones, making me so dumb by giving me the world's knowledge at my fingertips.
Raymond: Well, I don't know anyone's phone number either, except for Kevin's, and obviously, we can't call him.
Jake: How do you not know a single phone number? I've literally watched you memorize the entire terms and conditions agreement for a credit card.
Raymond: True, but to make room for important information like that, I regularly purge my brain of useless facts like phone numbers or the names of people's children.

[repeated line]
Raymond: Don't say son.

Terry: Oh, also, she's worried about her motorcycle sitting idle, so she wants us to take it out once a day.
[Tosses Captain Holt the keys]
Terry: Here.
Captain: I think you should do this. You're more the biker type. I've seen you use a toothpick in public.
Terry: Motorcycles are death machines. I have three kids. I'm not risking it.
Captain: Are you saying my life matters less because I don't conform to society's heteronormative, child-centric ideals?
Terry: Are you really playing the gay card right now?
Captain: [Blank tone, expressionless] Yas, queen.
[Snaps fingers]

Jake: All right, listen up everybody! Better contact Captain Holt, let him know we have a ten-tie situation.
Captain: Speaking of ties, where's yours Meep Morp?
Jake: This is fantastic. Captain! Hey! Welcome to the murder.

Jake: Okay, fine. You want to know why I really don't want to have children? I had a crappy dad. I know what happens when you mess up as a parent. It's not great. And this may come as a shock to you, but I kind of have some dad issues with certain people.
Amy: Holt.
Captain: [over the phone] Me.
Kevin: [over Captain Holt's phone] Raymond.

Guard: It just seems like you wanna be with Jamie-Lynn. I mean, you keep talking about her thigh gap.
Captain: That's my favorite part of a woman. There's nothing more intoxicating than the clear absence of a penis.

Amy: Look, since you can't say anything nice, try saying the opposite of whatever you're thinking.
Raymond: Interesting. I'll give it a whirl. Madeline Wuntch was... A friend.
Rosa: See? It's not that hard to say something ni... Oh, you're vomiting.

Captain: Every time someone steps up and says who they are, the world becomes a better, more interesting place.

Kevin: Look, Raymond. A yellow crested warbler.
Jake: [Does a perfect imitation] Look, Raymond. A yellow crested warbler.
Captain: No, you're too excited. The warbler's a common bird.

Terry: Whoa. Slow down, sir. You didn't even stop and sniff the bouquet. You always sniff the bouquet.
Captain: Maybe the old Holt did. But the new Holt chugs Beaujolais from a Burgundy glass without a care. Oh, it's a Sauternes glass. Look, the alcohol has rendered me a simpleton.

Jake: [Arriving late for a meeting at work] I'm here! I'm here, I'm here. You can start the meeting now.
Captain: The meeting is over. You're late. You missed roll call and the tutorial on using the new copiers. Six years, and no matter how hard I try, I still can't get you to understand the importance of being punctual.
Jake: Maybe you should just give up and accept me for who I am?
Captain: No, I will break you. Right now.
Jake: Oh.
Captain: While you were out being tardy, I was hard at work devising a special punishment. I've crafted an intricate personal high five with everyone in this office except you.
Jake: What? But you hate high fives.
Captain: Yes, every minute of it was hell. But it'll be worse for you. Squad, dismissed.
[Proceeds to give everyone an individual high five]
Captain: Good-bye, Diaz.
Jake: Salute into a fanny waggle?
Captain: Good-bye, Boyle.
Jake: Oh, the snake charmer!
Captain: Good-bye, Jeffords.
Jake: That's a butt bump.
Captain: Good-bye, Santiago.
Jake: Double fist bump reverse explosion into a Pete Townshend strum.
[sighs]
Jake: All right, that was terrible, but it's over now, and I made it through.
Captain: Good-bye, Leonard from Xerox.
Jake: What? No, no, no. The copy guy?

Officer: I'm sorry. Are you accusing me of something?
Jake: Was that not clear? Do you need me to say it in Latin?
[in Italian accent]
Jake: I think you sabotage me.

Jake: [Holt and Jake are going undercover on a mission] Okay, if we wanna get past O'Sullivan's ma, we need undercover personas. I'm thinking you will be Maxwell Maxwell, international playboy and black ops specialist. He'd had affairs on every continent, but his true mistress is danger.
Raymond: I thought you learned your lesson about turning police work into movies.
Jake: Yeah, I did, but this is a movie about reform. I mean, isn't that a movie you'd wanna see?
Raymond: The only movie I wanna see is called "The World of Mosses." It's a documentary about the world of mosses.
Jake: It sounds bad.

Raymond: What the hell is my father doing here?
Jake: You said you wanted to reconcile.
Raymond: I meant after he was dead. I planned on standing over his grave and yelling, "I forgive you."

Captain: Peralta, Santiago, you'll be happy to know that I did not erase the server.
Jake: Oh, thank God.
Captain: But sad to know that Knox caught on and is now holding me at gunpoint.
Jake: Why not lead with that?

Amy: [Seeing Rosa, Boyle and Terry drunk] This is a room of nightmares.
Captain: [Drunk, but so deadpan and emotionless, no one would know he's drunk] You're the nightmare. You made me kill my balloon baby. Look at me. So drunk, I'm alliterating... like a beatnik.

Raymond: Welcome to the lake house!
Terry: Where's the lake? I didn't see it on the way in.
Raymond: That's because there's no lake up here.
Terry: But you said it was a lake house.
Raymond: No, we called it "The" Lake House. It was once owned by Krisopp Lake, the scholar of textual criticism who wrote, "Dated Greek Manuscripts To the Year 1200."
Jake: Yeah, Terry. It's obviously named after Kirsopp Lake. No one else was confused about that.

Captain: The first time I met Kevin's parents, I called Brahm's "Funf Gesange" opus 106... when it is, obviously, opus 104. They haven't spoken to me since.
Jake: Really? Just for that?
Captain: Yes, also because they're huge homophobes who think that I made Kevin gay with my magic genitalia.

Captain: This is how it ends, with me standing on the urine-soaked floor of an elementary school bathroom in a third-rate bird costume.

Captain: Tell me what I'm eating.
Charles: Fine. It's a sharp Vermont Cabot. Now describe what you taste.
Captain: Cheese.
Charles: [Encouragingly] And...
Captain: Cheese.

Jake: Figure out what's living in there yet?
Captain: Well, uh, judging by the empty beer cars, the fur, the pornography, and the claw marks, I'd say a homeless man and a raccoon. The exact nature of their relationship is still revealing itself.
Jake: I'm gonna assume sexual.

Charles: Captain, De Angelo has a place upstate, the local sheriff says there's a car in the driveway right now. He must be there.
Captain: Okay, they're going to have to raid the place without us, it'll take us two hours to get there.
Jake: Or we could take...
Captain: We are not taking a helicopter.
Jake: You know I was going to say "chopper".
Captain: Look, Peralta, I know you're having fun, but a helicopter is exactly the kind of wasteful expenditure that Wuntch will use to bury me if something goes wrong.
Jake: Okay, sir...
Captain: Or. It's the kind of thing she'll crucify me for not getting. "You could've had a copper, Raymond, why didn't you take advantage? Just a minute, my cauldron's boiling over."
Jake: Yeah, but what she actually said was:
[Using strange accent]
Jake: "Chopper's yours, Peralta."
[In his own voice]
Jake: Your impression was better.
Captain: What did you do?
Jake: She may have called me, and I may have briefed her, and she may have said "yes" to the chopper because it's definitely on its way right now!
Charles: I call middle seat!

Raymond: We need to get that key. How are you at picking pockets?
Jake: [Produces a wallet] Does this answer your question?
Raymond: Whose wallet is that?
Jake: It's mine. But it came out so smooth I barely even felt it.

Jake: I should not have gone to that party. I shouldn't have gone to that bathroom. I should not have arrested her boss.
Terry: I don't see it that way. You did everything right. You were a good cop.
Jake: Good lonely cop.
Terry: Hey, man, you put yourself out there. You weren't breezy. You like Sophia, you fought for her. You should be proud.
Captain: No, you should be changing her auto-correct. What's her last name?
Jake: Perez.
Captain: No. It's "Butt" now. Sophia Butt.

Captain: Everyone I work with is a stupidface.

Jake: Look, Raymond. A yellow crested warbler.
Captain: Yes! That's the right level of excitement for such a bird. You captured the essence of Kevin. You've done it.
Jake: Correction, I've accomplished it.
Captain: Indeed.
Kevin: Indeed.
Jake: Indeed, indeed, indeed...
Jake: Indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed.
Jake: It's growing on me.

Captain: [Off camera] Hallo?
Raymond: She's coming. Hide.
Jake: Title of your sex tape?

Officer: I want to win, Which is why I'm initiating Operation Fabius.
Jake: Okay. That does sound kind of cool.
Officer: Well, it shouldn't. I may have to change the name. Roman dictator Fabius Maximus defeated Hannibal by avoiding battle and exercising patience.
Jake: I can be patient. I just listened to you talk about that Fabius guy for, like, four hours.
Officer: It was two sentences.
Jake: Ugh, shut up.

Kevin: [He hears a door open] Oh, no, that's Raymond. That's how he opens a door.
Captain: Kevin, are you still in here?
Kevin: Uh, yes, Raymond, I'm in the stall.
Captain: Some tickets were just released for Mahler's Fourth Symphony this weekend.
Kevin: Great. That sounds great. Let's do it.
Captain: Fantastic. Now, which section do you prefer? The first tier, the second tier, the third tier...
Kevin: The first tier.
Captain: Now, which section of the first tier? Right, left, right center, center...
Kevin: Just any section is fine.
Captain: [laughs] Any section, wow. Someone had pepper on their eggs this morning. I'll buy the tickets.
[chuckles]
Captain: Any section.

Raymond: Okay, O'Sullivan, there's McCaffery coming out of Perdue Pet Supplies with the mouse that he put in the burrito. So there's no need for tactical gear or a Never Forget Burrito ribbon or any of that. You need to call off the Blue Flu.
Frank: Are you crazy? My guys are under attack.
Raymond: No, I just proved that it wasn't an attack. He faked it.
Frank: Not that attack, this attack-- the one where you call a policeman a liar.
Raymond: He is a liar.
Frank: Oh, dear, my God. You just did it again. Do you understand the worst thing you could do to another person is to call that person a liar? You hate cops. That's a fact.
Raymond: I-I-I just thought the Blue Flu was about a mouse in a burrito.
Frank: Well, it was, but now it's about you saying it wasn't.
Raymond: That doesn't make any sense.
Frank: So you're calling me stupid?
Raymond: That's not what I said!
Frank: You're calling me a liar?
Raymond: I just don't know how to talk to someone like you.
Frank: Someone like me? Wow. That's racist!
Raymond: Oh, this is a very frustrating conversation.

Captain: [about Chief Wuntch] We're not going to fight her. She's the devil, and you don't dance with the devil, because you get burned. Also, because in Madeline's case, she has no rhythm, and her hands are like little rat claws.

Raymond: Shall we have a read-off, Santiago?
Amy: We don't have finger guards.
Raymond: So we do it raw.
Terry: Okay, I normally don't encourage such childish competitions, but this might help things go faster. My only question is, Holt, are you sure your old ass eyes are up to the challenge?
Raymond: I know you're just trying to motivate me, but these old ass eyes will be reading your tombstone, son.

Captain: You've been caught, Allister!
Jake: Is it happening?
Captain: Caught by me.
Jake: It is happening.
Captain: Me and my rock hard brain.
Jake: It happened!

Caleb: Now, I'll tell you one thing. You are not looking for a cannibal.
Captain: Why do you say that?
Caleb: With all that blood? No self-respecting cannibal would waste all that sauce.
Jake: See, Charles? He's a foodie, like you.

Amy: Check it: I got a copy of last year's workplace conflict presentation. All we have to do is study the crap out of it, then we can answer every question before that tool from HR even asks it. We'll be done in no time.
Rosa: So your solution for getting us out of the boring seminar is having us memorize the boring seminar.
Amy: Exactly.
Raymond: It's genius, and it's fun. I love committing things to memory.

Raymond: Why did I send Kevin an obscene picture?
Rosa: Relax. It's not a big deal. You were just flirting.
Raymond: No, if I were flirting, I would have sent him a scatter plot of educational attainment versus caloric intake in Jacobin France.

Terry: I read to him every night.
Captain: Shakespeare? Tolstoy?
Terry: No, nothing that advanced.
Captain: Ye gods, are you reading him Dickens?

Terry: Oh, you must be feeling better. You're heating up your favorite meal; beans.
Raymond: They're refried. It's bad enough they were cooked once, let alone twice, and now the toaster oven makes it three times. I couldn't be crying for help any louder.

Captain: [while wearing a pigeon costume] Let's blow some tiny minds.

Officer: Okay, I know you haven't done this in a while, so here's a tip... keep your hat on. Because of all the standing still, the pigeons think we're statues and they will poop on you or peck you. Both are bad.
Raymond: Thank you for the helpful tip.
Officer: Oh, I've got a ton of them. They're mostly about the dangers of standing. A year on the beat without prescription insoles can take two years off your life.
Raymond: Any way to speed the process up?