300 Best Jake Peralta Quotes

Jake: Now, as you know, this decision has been quite hard upon me... Title of mine sex tape.

Raymond: [about Madeleine Wuntch] What does that human blister want now? Does she intend to demote me even further? Or perhaps she'll transfer me to the swamps of New Jersey so I can patrol the sinkhole where she was spawned.
Jake: Or it's possible the announcement has nothing to do with you.
Raymond: Oh, good thinking, Peralta. You're right. Maybe Madeline wants to inform us all that she's a Cheuksin.
Jake: A what?
Raymond: A Cheuksin. A Korean toilet ghost, lives in an outhouse, wraps her hair around your throat and chokes you to death while you move your bowels.
Jake: You know what? I will give you $6,000 if the announcement is she's a Cheuksin.

Jake: The point is we all think Mr. Bean is sexy as hell and wish we looked exactly like him.
Officer: You're closer than you think.

Jake: So you still annoyed?
Amy: Yes. You can't keep saying "mischief managed" after we finish sex.
Jake: It's what Harry Potter says when he needs to clear the Marauder's Map.
Amy: Obviously, I know that, but I would prefer to keep wizard terms out of our sex life.
Jake: But what we're doing is magical. We're making a baby.

Kevin: Sure, my husband is a hot piece of ass, but he is so much more than just that. Raymond Holt is as smart as anyone in this department, but he chooses to use his intelligence to make our city a better place. One day, I hope to live up to the standard you set. You make me want to have a wetter brain.
Captain: Oh, Kevin.
Jake: Y'all are hella specific.

Jake: So, Caleb, we're tracking a serial killer and I was thinking you could help us get inside his head.
Caleb: Just because I ate humans doesn't mean I'm INhuman, Jake.
Jake: Caleb, c'mon that's not what I meant.
Caleb: Just kidding, I'm probably friends with the guy online.
Caleb: What's his deal?
Jake: Well he's been murdering young men and cutting out their hearts.
Caleb: Ew.
[Jake and Charles make surprised faces]
Caleb: What, I would never eat a heart. I stick to the normal stuff, butts and thighs. One time I ate a foot but it was nasty.
Jake: I can see that.
Caleb: You know what, there was some weird guy on the forum recently.
Charles: Forum?
Caleb: Yeah, it's a chat room for people who like to talk about eating human beings but definitely won't act on it, wink. Yeah, it's hosted on...
Jake: Reddit.
Caleb: Obviously.

Amy: I can do this. I wanna win so bad.
Jake: Oh great, here. Quick, let me take a picture. Aw, that's so cute. You got a little bit of mold on the tip of your nose.

Terry: Look, I wasn't hiding. I was doing my work. Hitchcock and Scully were with me.
Jake: Were they, or perhaps were they distracted by your brilliant pizza ruse?
Scully: Totally distracted. I ate two whole pies. Folded 'em up like tacos.

Jake: I'm getting a text. Ooh. "I will see you soon, sir." Guess who that was.
Charles: Elton John.
Jake: What?
Charles: You said "sir," and that's on you.

Raymond: We have intel on a drop house used by Alexei Bisko, a Captain in the Ukrainian mafia.
Jake: Oh, he should be psyched. That's a very up-and-coming mafia.

Gina: [answering cell phone] Gina's Authentic Stolen Police Badges, how can I help?
Jake: Hey, it's Peralta.
Gina: Oh, hey, Jake.
Jake: Hey, do you carry a hair dryer in your purse?
Gina: Of course. I'm not an animal.

Jake: What hurts the most is knowing that prisoners are treated this way every day in our penal system. Also, he kicked me in the wiener a bunch.

Amy: [to Jake] But I do have some bad news. There is a bomb at this wedding as well.
Jake: What?
Amy: Your butt. Your butt is the bomb. There will be no survivors.
Jake: [Crying] I love you so much. You're my dream girl.
Amy: I love you too. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you.

Jake: Guess what I'm holding behind my back?
Captain: Before we begin, what are the parameters of the guessing game? How many guesses do I get? Is there a time limit?
Jake: Forget it. You ruin everything. It's the police code and ethics manual. Chapter four. Page 83.
Captain: You should not have told me. I never would've guessed it. Now I've won.

Jake: [to Captain Holt] Wow, listen to you talking all smooth. But you can't fool us, sir. You might as well face it. You're addicted to math. Robert Palmer. Come on, Sarge. Let's go.

Jake: Okay, well, that was fun. Hey, why don't you go play over there, buddy? You can take this drug store receipt. It's very long and filled with coupons. You can fly it around like a kite.
Nikolaj: [Takes the receipt and starts running around with it] Whee!
Jake: Wow, kids are really basic. Is being a dad super easy?

Jake: Mrs. Fogle, we weren't introduced. I'm Jake, Debbie's boyfriend.
Officer: You are? We are?
Jake: I mean, yeah, if you're into it.
Officer: I am. I do. See, Mom? I am with someone. All those psychics were wrong.

Captain: The first time I met Kevin's parents, I called Brahm's "Funf Gesange" opus 106... when it is, obviously, opus 104. They haven't spoken to me since.
Jake: Really? Just for that?
Captain: Yes, also because they're huge homophobes who think that I made Kevin gay with my magic genitalia.

Jake: I know Amy has a ton of work, so...
Amy: No, I don't.
Jake: Really? I could've sworn I overheard you telling Rosa: "Girlfriend, please. I got hella open cases."
Amy: That's something you think I said?
Jake: Word for word. No diggity, no doubt.

Jake: I think we need to find that hot dog cart guy.
Charles: Okay, fine. But who do we know that could find us a random New York hot dog guy?
Hitchcock: [Cut to Hitchcock and Scully, who arrive at the crime scene in slow motion, sunglasses on] So, you need a little help from the Weiner Warriors.
Jake: Well, I hate that. Just tell us what you know, please?
Hitchcock: There's Lou's Dogs, he serves 'em up real plump.
Scully: Big Mike's does two dogs per bun.
Hitchcock: Hank's Franks... great mustard selection.
Scully: Vicki's Vegan? I'd rather eat *bleep*.
Hitchcock: Charlie does an al dente dog, it's got a really nice chew.
Scully: Johnny Arkansas serves it Little Rock style, although he can serve it Razorback-style.
Jake: Okay, enough, enough! We don't have time for this! Just tell us who has a cart at 6th and 11th.
Hitchcock: Oh, there are no hot dog carts there.
Charles: What? Never?
Scully: No way.
Hitchcock: Not a chance!
Scully: Zoning issue. Forget about it, Jake. It's Hungertown.

Raymond: We need to get that key. How are you at picking pockets?
Jake: [Produces a wallet] Does this answer your question?
Raymond: Whose wallet is that?
Jake: It's mine. But it came out so smooth I barely even felt it.

Jake: Hey, it was nice of you to let Pimento crash at your place last night. How'd it go?
Charles: Oh, well, he gave Nikolaj a haircut while he was asleep, but no weird memory stuff, so all in all, major win.
Jake: Great, so it sounds like he might be getting better.
Adrian: Ah, someone's trying to kill me!
Jake: Oh, boy, here we go again
Adrian: Ah, gah!
Jake: Pimento, Pimento, Pimento! Don't worry. Everything's okay. You've had some brain trauma, and it caused you to lose your memory. You're scared that you're in danger, but there is no evidence that anyone is trying to kill you. You're safe.
Adrian: Wait, wait, really? Whew, okay.
Adrian: Thank you. I was really worried, you know, 'cause of this gunshot wound.
Jake: Oh, my God, someone's trying to kill you!

Hitchcock: You are fake news. Sad!
[storms off]
Jake: Yep, that's definitely the language of the innocent.

Jake: [Jake's dad and granddad have fought yet again and Walter wants to leave the party] Wait, wait, no, don't go! We reversed the curse! Don't reverse the curse reverse!

Jake: Oh, that guy looks like he's wearing a skin mask over his own face, so I'm guessing it's Dr. Tate.
Charles: He has a normal man's face, Jake.
Jake: Yes, he does have a normal man's face, stretched out over his own face, because he is a Hannibal.

Raymond: Why do you idolize that man and the time he wrote about?
Jake: Because the 70s were amazing! Everyone had big juicy mustaches and all the clothes were orange... and flammable.

Jake: My back looks like the inside of a spoon.

Amy: NYPD, freeze! We are work colleagues!
Jake: You're under arrest! This is a work event!

Jake: I'm sure our hoots pale in comparison to the hoots that you had back in the day. I bet things got supes hoots.

Captain: [to potential ATV buyers] These machines are death traps. If you purchase one, you will be maimed.
Jake: [laughs] You won't be maimed. Most of the injuries are internal.

Jake: [shouts] You can't handle the *me*!

Jake: [phone ringing] He's calling. Wait, Kevin, we didn't go over how you answer the phone.
Captain: There isn't time. Just answer.
Jake: Okay.
[answers phone]
Jake: You've reached Professor Kevin Cozner. Please start speaking when I finish this sentence.

Amy: Charles, meet Mac.
Jake: Short for McClane.
Charles: As in Shirley? I love it.
Jake: No, as in John, from "Die Hard."
Charles: I mean, they're both incredibly cool. Only one Oscar winner.

Jake: Rosa's wearing pink. Rosa's wearing pink!
Amy: Are we sure it's not a white shirt that's just been bloodied in a motorcycle crash?
Terry: Maybe it wasn't her. Does she have a twin sister?
Gina: If Rosa had a twin, she would've eaten her in the womb.

Jake: These tiny pickles are hilarious.

Charles: I have an idea. So when my dad lost his flower shop, my Aunt Bruce...
Jake: Charles, we don't have time for a weird Boyle story right now. Just tell us your idea.
Charles: We make a scary hostage video where it looks like we're gonna kill C.J.
Jake: Ooh, I love that. Wait a minute. Your dad did that to save his flower shop? Was your aunt the hostage? What happened?
Charles: You said we didn't have time.
Jake: I didn't know it was the coolest story ever.
Charles: Oh, it is.
Jake: Well then, tell the whole thing and spare no detail.
Charles: Okay, so you know how Aunt Bruce can lactate on command?
Jake: Of course.
Rosa: Guys.

Jake: If you're here for your $200, can I interest you in a check that will definitely bounce?

Raymond: I will not be using a loophole, Peralta. As always I will be using the main hole or no hole. I choose no hole.
Charles: You just said "hole" way too much, sir.
Jake: And that's coming from *Charles.*
Raymond: Yes, that is concerning.

Doug: [to Jake] You trying to get your freak on with my sister?
Jake: What? No!
Doug: I see you looking at Trudy Judy's booty.
Jake: I am *not* looking at Trudy Judy's booty!
Doug: Oh, you don't think she's a cutie? Don't be snooty.
Jake: She's a beauty, but I'm on duty.
Terry: And you're married.
Jake: Well, yeah, but that doesn't rhyme.

Amy: [Jack and Amy are desperately looking to hire a babysitter] Ooh, we already have three applicants.
Jake: Great. Hire them.
Amy: I think we should interview them first.
Jake: But what if they're bad?

Amy: Pretty hungover?
Jake: Shhhhh... turn off your mouth siren...

Jake: Terry turned my spine into a loose stack of pebbles.

Amy: Jake and Katie would be awesome together.
Jake: I know, right? She's single, I'm single. She's pretty, I'm pretty.

Kevin: Look, Raymond. A yellow crested warbler.
Jake: [Does a perfect imitation] Look, Raymond. A yellow crested warbler.
Captain: Ugh, not excited enough. They may be common, but they're still birds.

[repeated line]
Jake: Title of your sex tape.

Jake: Okay, unlike Kooky Charles and Tearful Terry, I am healthy and don't need therapy.
Hitchcock: I hear that. I don't go to therapy either. Jake and I are like two penises in a pod.
Jake: Damn it, Hitchcock, we talked about this. It never helps when you back me up.

Jake: Wait! No, no, no, no, no! Don't lock the door! I just need to buy one thing. I'll be so fast, I won't even pay!
[Doorman continues locking door]
Jake: How did that not work?

Jocelyn: Look, I love being with you, but how often am I actually with you?
Rosa: We're together every night.
Jocelyn: Unless you're at work, or doing work, or thinking about work. It's like you never have time for me.
Jake: I'm sorry, but Rosa doesn't have time for you. We have a really important work thing. That was bad. Let me try rephrasing it. You are not as important as Rosa's job. Oh, wow. That was way worse.

Jake: [He knocks a pencil off Holt's hands] Sorry not sorry. It was just a stupid pencil.
Captain: It was a gift from my deceased father.
Jake: A pencil? Your dad gave pretty bad gifts.
Jake: Although on the other hand, all my dad ever gave me was abandonment issues, so, potato-tomato.

Gina: Yeeck! Blast of cold air coming out of that box.
Jake: Name of Amy's sex tape.

Amy: Gregor Minsk, the counterfeiter I've been chasing for two years has finally resurfaced. And he's just as evil as ever.
Jake: Right, you hate him because he has a typo on his counterfeit bills.
Amy: No, because he passed 4 million dollars in fraudulent bills, Jake. But also, two r's in "pluribus"? I mean, did none of those cashiers take Latin?

Jake: [hostage-taker Doug Judy requests Jake as negotiator, and the usual police negotiator doesn't like it] Since we all agree, I'll go tell Judy that the plan is on.
Negotiator: We don't all agree. He's trapped and desperate. Everything he told you is a lie.
Jake: Why do you say he's lying?
Negotiator: That's all negotiating is. Two liars, lying to each other until one liar stands too close to the window and gets shot in the head.
Jake: That can't be all negotiating is.
Negotiator: It absolutely is.

Jake: So John McClain's advice wasn't great, but I have other books. This one says to make sure neither of you has a full diaper. Feels like we can skip that part.
Roger: I wouldn't be so sure.

Jake: Ever since I brought these tickets up, you guys have made my life absolutely miserable, but that ends now, because I've made a choice.
Terry: Cagney is sick. We don't know how long she has.
Charles: We do know for Nikolaj. It's 36 hours.

Jake: So, Bill, do you have a real job or...
Bill: I'm the third in a lot of marriages. I got a nice soft face, so I don't intimidate the husbands.
Jake: Hmm, strange, the random person I hired off the streets of Brooklyn is a weirdo.

Jake: When C.J. goes to get his morning coffee, we will arrive and grab him. He will pretend to struggle just enough to attract attention.
Captain: [fantasy scene] Help! Help!
Captain: [reality] I'm gonna write this down so I remember my lines.
Jake: I can see that you already have the word "milk" written on your hand. I know where this is going.
Captain: [fantasy scene] Milk! Milk!
Jake: [reality] Don't do that.

Raymond: How can you not know your own wife's phone number?
Jake: It's saved in my phone. Stupid smartphones, making me so dumb by giving me the world's knowledge at my fingertips.
Raymond: Well, I don't know anyone's phone number either, except for Kevin's, and obviously, we can't call him.
Jake: How do you not know a single phone number? I've literally watched you memorize the entire terms and conditions agreement for a credit card.
Raymond: True, but to make room for important information like that, I regularly purge my brain of useless facts like phone numbers or the names of people's children.

Scully: This is Dorothy, my pill box.
[He produces an enormous box, with hidden compartments, filled with pill boxes]
Jake: Good God.
Hitchcock: My friend here has dozens of medications prescribed for all of his ailments. They make him normal. They make me limitless.

Rosa: You should've told him to back off.
Jake: I can't go around telling guys not to ask Amy out because I like her and I'm too dumb to do anything about it. I can't make a woman's choice for her, I stand with Wendy. Did I do that right?
Rosa: No.
Jake: Oh.

Jake: Okay, one more take. Please stop saying, "Don't forget to like and subscribe."
Captain: Sure, but how we gonna get followers on this thing then?

Jake: [Arriving late for a meeting at work] I'm here! I'm here, I'm here. You can start the meeting now.
Captain: The meeting is over. You're late. You missed roll call and the tutorial on using the new copiers. Six years, and no matter how hard I try, I still can't get you to understand the importance of being punctual.
Jake: Maybe you should just give up and accept me for who I am?
Captain: No, I will break you. Right now.
Jake: Oh.
Captain: While you were out being tardy, I was hard at work devising a special punishment. I've crafted an intricate personal high five with everyone in this office except you.
Jake: What? But you hate high fives.
Captain: Yes, every minute of it was hell. But it'll be worse for you. Squad, dismissed.
[Proceeds to give everyone an individual high five]
Captain: Good-bye, Diaz.
Jake: Salute into a fanny waggle?
Captain: Good-bye, Boyle.
Jake: Oh, the snake charmer!
Captain: Good-bye, Jeffords.
Jake: That's a butt bump.
Captain: Good-bye, Santiago.
Jake: Double fist bump reverse explosion into a Pete Townshend strum.
Jake: All right, that was terrible, but it's over now, and I made it through.
Captain: Good-bye, Leonard from Xerox.
Jake: What? No, no, no. The copy guy?

Rosa: [about Terry, who appears to have a concussion] There's no way he can take the test in that condition.
Jake: You're right. Amy, you're going to have to crawl inside his shirt and operate his arms for him. It's a Ratatouille situation.

Jake: Sorry, Rosa, if you wanna switch partners this late in the game, they have to have the same skill set as Scully.
Hitchcock: I'm available.
Rosa: Right, or... That filing cabinet kind of looks like Scully.

Jake: I know Hollywood and I know what's real!
[attempts dramatic exit through prop door]
Jake: For example, this door is fake. Not a real door. It's a doorn't. As in, doorn't open this. And doorn't ruin my dreams!

Amy: Rule one, let's not tell anyone so we can figure out what this is first.
Jake: Smort. Rule number two, let's not put labels on it. We're not boyfriend and girlfriend; We're just "mrmmzeep" and "jinglebin."

Adrian: The universe is sending me a sign. And when the universe talks, I listen!
Jake: Well, I personally don't even really believe in signs, so...
Adrian: What? Then you deserve to die! The sign was real. If I ignore it and marry Rosa anyway, I'm basically asking the universe to stomp on my balls.
Jake: Okay, good point. Hey, Gina, I could use your help here. You wanna maybe weigh in on this one?
Gina: Yeah, sure. You're right. The marriage is cursed.
Jake: What? No! You weighed in wrong.
Gina: I'm sorry, Jake, it's an omen. And I'm not taking your side against the universe's. It's hundred of years old.
Jake: What if there was something in the universe that could prove to you that you should still get married?
Gina: What would that be?
Gina: Finding his grandma's earrings. Or we could cut Rosa's ears off, and then it's like the earrings don't even make sense.
Adrian: Thank you! Someone's trying to help.

Amy: Wall Street Journal on the doormat, top floor apartment... 20 bucks says this guy is like a hot, eligible bachelor.
Jake: I'll take that action.
[knocks on door]
Jake: Police, open up!
Old: Hello?
Jake: Oh! Hello sir, how are you today? I am Detective Right-All-The-Time, and this is my partner, Detective Terrible Detective.

Jake: I love this. Tux on, guns out- I feel like James Bond, and you are my mysterious femme fatale that I've been partnered with: Maxi... Pads.
Amy: Maxi Pads?
Jake: I don't know! I didn't want to make the name too sexual and I panicked!

Jake: Never took off the speedo. Big mistake, it is inside me.

Jake: I should not have gone to that party. I shouldn't have gone to that bathroom. I should not have arrested her boss.
Terry: I don't see it that way. You did everything right. You were a good cop.
Jake: Good lonely cop.
Terry: Hey, man, you put yourself out there. You weren't breezy. You like Sophia, you fought for her. You should be proud.
Captain: No, you should be changing her auto-correct. What's her last name?
Jake: Perez.
Captain: No. It's "Butt" now. Sophia Butt.

Jake: This is great, Dotty, but we're kind of in a hurry. My wife just went into labor and I want to get there in time for the birth.
Dotty: Why? The only man in the room should be the doctor.
Jake: Okay.
Dotty: All the dad needs to do is to make the money and have a nice, thick belt for when it's time to teach him a lesson.
Russ: My dad hit me with a belt. Soon as I got big enough, I shot him.
Jake: Wow, what a fun group for this, the most important day of my life.

Jake: Gentlemen, may I present to you the Suicide Squad.
The: Hang on there, genius. You want us, your enemies, to help you bring down Commissioner Kelly?
Captain: You guys consider me your enemy? You're some of my best friends.
Jake: We haven't talked to you in, like, three years, C.J.
Captain: Wait, yeah. I'm thinking of different guys.

Rosa: Night shift is boring. Listen to the cases I've had: Drunk and disorderly, drunk and disorderly, cyber crime...
Jake: Ooh, cyber crime. Pretty cool.
Rosa: Caught a drunk guy humping a laptop.

Amy: I have seven brothers, Rosa, and I like all of them except David. Perfect David. David graduated at the top of his class at the police academy. David took a bullet for the mayor. David bakes his own bread.
Hitchcock: Ooh, and does this David have a sister?
Jake: Yes. Amy is his sister.
Hitchcock: And what's her deal?
Jake: You were at the wedding, Hitchcock.

Captain: You've been caught, Allister!
Jake: Is it happening?
Captain: Caught by me.
Jake: It is happening.
Captain: Me and my rock hard brain.
Jake: It happened!

Detective: Hello, my big, beautiful B.M.
Detective: Best man. Just best man is fine.

Walter: Wow. It's really been quite a while, huh? Are you still watching those cartoons about the karate lizards?
Jake: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? I am. There was recently a reboot. They did some interesting things with Splinter and Krang's backstories. Anyways, I'm an adult now. How are you?

Captain: I don't enjoy being judged, so I'm on my way to Atlantic City for the weekend. I'll be gambling.
Jake: No, sir, please just come back, okay? Terry and I will keep you company. We'll go to a museum. One of the boring ones with no dinosaurs.

Jake: [Jake is undercover as an auctioneer at a Greek Antiquities auction] Adam Sandler?
Adam: Yes. I collect antiquities. I'm a serious person. I'm doing a movie about the Russian Revolution next year.
Jake: What role is Kevin James gonna play?
Adam: Ha ha. Very funny
Adam: [beat] Trotsky.

Jake: I started off by making a map of all of the burglaries that have gone down in Brooklyn since 1996 to see if there was a pattern. That led me to this:
Jake: [Map of Brooklyn completely covered in pins] There is so much crime in New York. No one should live here.

Jake: [Dotty is torturing the suspect to get information] Dotty, that's against the law.
Dotty: I am the law.
Jake: What made you like this?

Terry: I gotta say, the Chinese know how to make a terrible scotch.
Jake: They certainly do. Ugh, it's bad. Gets you drunk, though.

Jake: What's your problem with my dad?
Charles: I'm just being wary. He left you when you were seven, and he's been letting us down ever since.
Jake: Us?
Charles: I think of you as a brother, Jake, so he didn't just abandon you; He abandoned *us*.

Jake: Look, we can handle this, sir. Do we joke around sometimes? Yes, but when it's time to buckle down, we're seasoned professionals.
Charles: That's why they call us the Spice Boys.
Jake: They don't and they won't.

Roger: We're not meant to have sons. There's a demon in our genes.
Jake: Title of your sex tape.
Roger: No, the title of my sex tape is "Cockpit Larry and the Mile High Stewardae."
Jake: What?
Roger: "Stewardae." It's plural for stewardess.

Dr. Frederick Tate: Now, I'm sorry, but our session is coming to a close. I guess I'll have to bill your widow.
Jake: Wow, that is cold-blooded, but I got to hand it to you, it's a pretty dope kill line.

Jake: What are you guys doing here?
Agneta: Oh, in Sweden, we call it police work. Perhaps you don't have a word for it?

Frank: The real question is why Jeffords had glitter on him at all. Fortunately, I have the answer. I deduced that he has three young daughters, twins and a toddler.
Jake: Big deal. You saw the picture on his desk.
Frank: I did, and judging by the maple trees in the background of that picture, it was taken last fall. Probably mid October. The twins are smiling, each revealing a missing tooth. The twin on the right, let's call her "Twin A."
Terry: That's Cagney.
Frank: Is that relevant?
Terry: It's her name.
Frank: So no. Twin A is missing an upper right incisor while Twin B is missing a lower left incisor suggesting that they were seven when the photo was taken, which would put them in second grade. Spring semester of second grade is when the Brooklyn schools do their solar system unit, a highlight of which is constructing a mobile of the planets. My hypothesis is that Twin A and Twin B requested Daddy's help making Mars sparkle, hence the red glitter.

Captain: I don't think your wrist is supposed to move like that.
Jake: No, it's been like this since I broke it playing football in high school.
[Captain Holt doesn't believe him]
Jake: Fine, I petted a horse too hard.

Jake: Now, we can't see the cake before Amy, which means we have to figure out a way to clean it up without looking at it.
Jake: We have to "Birdbox" it.
Walter: And "Birdbox" is the bakery.
Jake: No, "Birdbox" is a movie where people aren't allowed to look at things. Just put on these blindfolds and help me clean it up.
Roger: I "Birdbox-ed" the stewardess in Sweden once.

Scully: Thanks, everybody, for coming out to Hitchcock's divorce party.
Raymond: Why is the cake two men getting married?
Scully: That's me and Hitchcock. The boys are back together!
Raymond: This cake is for a gay wedding. The inside is a rainbow.
Scully: Nuh-uh. It's my favorite flavor: All the flavors!
Hitchcock: I can't believe Bethany's gone. It was so out of the blue.
Jake: Well, not entirely. I mean, she did have an affair with her hairdresser, and you filmed it and threatened to release the tape, and then she said she didn't care and put it on the internet herself, and then, when it started to make money, you sued her for half the profits.
Hitchcock: And then boom, out of the blue: Divorce papers.

Jake: I'm not a teacher. I'm a class clown slash bad boy with a heart of gold.

Jake: Maybe we can grab some Thai food and brainstorm baby names?
Amy: Ooh, I like that.
Jake: Now, I am a fan of the show "American Gladiators." How do you feel about the name Blaze Peralta?
Amy: Not great.
Jake: What about Laser?
Amy: No.
Jake: Nitro?
Amy: No.
Jake: Viper?
Amy: No.
Jake: Atlas?
Amy: Ooh, I do love atlases.
Jake: Mm, common ground.

Jake: I've got some stories that will make Training Day look like Super Troopers.

Detective: [about the lie detector] I'm telling you, this machine is broken. Ask me a question.
Sergeant: Is Jay-Z really your favorite artist?
Detective: Yes, obviously.
Abel: Lie.
Detective: See? It's busted!
Sergeant: Is it? Or is your favorite artist really Taylor Swift?
Detective: [sighs] No.
Abel: Lie.
Detective: Alright, fine, she is. She makes me feel things.
Sergeant: *She makes all of us feel things!*

Alice: You are just so sweet together. You know, I'm sure I can find room for two young lovers.
Jake: Yeah, we are lovers. Together. In beds.
Amy: Okay.

Jake: So you wanna talk about what happened before?
Charles: You mean the "you telling Pimento and not me that you're trying to make a baby" thing?
[stammers and squeaks]
Charles: No, no, I'm totally fine. Hey, coffee guy, how would you like be godfather to my son? Because a position just opened up.
Jake: Okay, we're talking about this. Look, you're being unfair. There's some things in my life with Amy that are just between her and me, and I need you to be okay with that.
Charles: Fine. You're right. I get it. I mean, it's not like you told anyone else.
Jake: Right. I mean... We told Rosa.
Charles: Rosa, that dud? Oh, why her and not me?
Jake: Sometimes you can be a little much.
Charles: [Very upset] A little much? A little much!
Jake: Yes, a little much.
Charles: Well, maybe, Jake, I have "Finding Dory" Disease too because right now I can't remember why we ever were friends!
Jake: Okay, see, once again, that was a little over the top.
Murk: Excuse me, my godson's dad, the crazy guy just ran away.
Jake: Oh, my God, he's gone. Pimento is gone.
Charles: Just like our friendship!

Jake: You excited for being married?
Adrian: Yeah! I love Rosa. I can't wait to just jam my tongue in her ear holes, and eat the hair off her head. Hoo! I'm giddy.

Captain: My name is Captain Jason Stentley. It's Friday night I think. There's no windows in here. This morning, I was kidnapped for real...
Jake: Stop.
Captain: What? What was wrong with that?
Jake: You said you were kidnapped "for real."
Captain: Well, I don't want people to think I was fake kidnapped. You know? I'm selling it.
Jake: Okay, let's just do it again. Say you were kidnapped and nothing else.
Rosa: Now he's gonna add "nothing else."
Captain: She's right.
Jake: Okay, fine, one more time. Take 12. Just say kidnapped.
Captain: Okay. Kidnapped.

Kevin: And then I said, "Which 'Metamorphosis'? Kafka or Ovid?"
[Captain Holt laughs]
Kevin: He loves it. He loves it.
[Captain Holt sighs]
Kevin: So that's the joke. Now, you tell it.
Jake: Oh, okay,
[clears throat]
Jake: So, a professor walks in to a rare books collection...
Kevin: No, you've ruined it. Now it's not funny.

Jake: [Reading Captain Holt's text message] "How certain are you? Sincerely, Raymond Holt."
[Replies with text message]
Jake: "100 percent, sincerely-" Why am I doing that part? Send.

Raymond: What the hell is my father doing here?
Jake: You said you wanted to reconcile.
Raymond: I meant after he was dead. I planned on standing over his grave and yelling, "I forgive you."

Jake: Oh, hey! We were just looking for a place to, uh...
Amy: ...boink.
Jake: Yep. Boink. That's my preferred term for it as well.

Jake: Oh, my God, I guess I'm addicted to meth. No, I'm not. I just love it and I am consumed with the thought of doing it again.

Captain: [to Cheddar's kidnapper, as they are fighting] Oh, I see you have a knife. But what you need is an umbrella.
Jake: [From inside the car, to himself] Tell him why. Tell him why!
Captain: 'Cause there's a **bleep** storm gonna rain down on you, punk!

Jake: Okay, you and Rosa follow Augustine.
Charles: Right. And you and Amy: follow your hearts.
Jake: No! We're gonna stay with the package.
Charles: And each other, forever.

Charles: I know that you hate Halloween. But stick with me and I promise you will love it.
Amy: Can you magically make everyone kind, sober, and fully-dressed?
Jake: "Kind, Sober, and Fully Dressed." Good news everyone, we found the name of Santiago's sex tape.

Jake: I don't have feelings for Amy anymore. So, time for me to get out there and spread my wi...
Charles: ...legs.
Jake: Get out there and spread my legs?
Charles: Well, ei- either way...
Jake: No! Not either way. Only wings.

Jake: They have my hair? I thought you put your two worst guys on this.
The: These are my worst guys, all right? They're real dorks. They both wear glasses. And one of them's even a woman.

Charles: Looks like the perp know what he was looking for. All he took was a shipment of thousand dollar limited edition Weezies, designed by,
[checks notebook]
Charles: Little Wayne.
Jake: Oh, it's *Lil*.
Charles: Oh, like Lilian. Lilian Wayne.
Jake: No.

Charles: You tricked me, Rosa! And then you shipped me to New Jersey!
Rosa: First of all, grow up. Second of all, how'd you get back here so fast?
Charles: If you get a box wet enough, it's very easy to bust out of it.
Jake: No one ask any follow-ups.

Terry: Hey, Santiago, it's time to head out.
Amy: Actually, I'm not leaving. I'm gonna stay for the games.
Jake: Ohh, look who's coming around already. We're gonna have fun.
Amy: No, this isn't fun. A voluntary administration workshop is fun.
Terry: Yeah, I hear it ends with a six page self-assessment.
Amy: Oh, come on, Terry! You don't have to rub it in!

Officer: [Really nervous] Oh, hey, Jake. What's... what's the deal with the office today? It... it feels crazy.
Jake: Somebody stole 20 bricks of coke and some machine guns from evidence.
Officer: What? It's the first I'm hearing of it.
Jake: Yeah, well, you just got here, right?
Officer: Right. I need you to find whoever did this and kill them... till they're dead.

Officer: I'm sorry. Are you accusing me of something?
Jake: Was that not clear? Do you need me to say it in Latin?
[in Italian accent]
Jake: I think you sabotage me.

Jake: Why did I have to solve the case? Why couldn't I have let those guys continue to terrorize Brooklyn until I built up the nerve to ask out a girl?
Rosa: You're a good cop. Do not beat yourself up about that.

Jake: Sure hope I don't sprain my arm during the race. 'cause I'm gonna be opening up a lot of doors for Katie on our date. Oh yeah, I'm gonna be a gentleman.
Rosa: What are you doing, Jake?
Jake: Trash talking you. While simultaneously proving that I will be respectful of your friend, it's a tough line to walk.

Terry: Hey, guys. How you feeling, Gina?
Gina: Sometimes I feel like a nut, sometimes I don't. Almond Joy's got nuts. Mounds don't.
Jake: She's very hopped up on painkillers.
Gina: Hold up, when did you learn French, Monsieur La baguette?
Jake: [in French accent] Oh, as a bebe.
Gina: Oh, oui! Oui, oui, oui, oui.
Jake: It actually helps to play along, I'm assuming.

Jake: I did realize something. The only thing that matters to Gina is work.
Terry: You don't say? Where have I heard that before?
Jake: I don't know, Terry. I don't have time for your weird memory lapse.
Terry: I said it last night.
Jake: Well, I wish you would've said it to me.

[first lines]
Jake: This job is eating me alive. I can't breathe anymore. I spent all these years trying to be the good guy, the man in the white hat. I'm not becoming like them. I am them.
Amy: Hey! What are you doing, weirdo?
Jake: I'm doing the best speech from "Donnie Brasco". Or actually, ten of me are doing the best speech from "Donnie Brasco". What's up?

Raymond: I'm gonna need you to hand in your badge and gun.
Jake: All right, fine, you can have my badge and gun, but we're doing it in your office so I can slam them down on your desk and yell out, "The system stinks!"
Raymond: Actually, the procedure is to bring your gun and badge down to the equipment room on the second floor, fill out form 452-underscore-J, hand said form in to the inventory clerk, and then receive a claim check through interoffice mail.
Jake: The system stinks!

Jake: [Jake and Charles try to solve a case by role-playing as two French burglars] But then, we hear a sound...
Charles: ...and I yell, "Les gendarmes! Ils sont ici!"
Jake: And I know what that means because I'm French, but I ask you to repeat it in English, just to be sure.

Amy: Not getting the job you want stinks. In first grade, I was passed over for line leader and I'm still pissed. Kyle D's lines had curves and gaps and cutting galore-it was a fricken carnival.
Jake: Shyeah. What's a line leader?

Jake: [Jake and Amy have just announced their pregnancy, but everyone reacts very unenthusiastically to the news] What the hell? I thought you guys would be more excited than that. Charles, you didn't even faint.
Charles: I'm so sorry, I'll try.
Charles: It's not working. Somebody choke me.
Rosa: On it.

Jake: Cops always be coppin'.

Roger: Aw, Jake. I am excited that you're having a kid.
Jake: Thank you, Dad. Oh, and hey, if you're free next Friday, we're having a sex reveal party.
Roger: Well, I went to one of those in Amsterdam. I would not invite relatives.

Jess: I can't believe this is happening. Thanks a lot, New York. You know what, if your city's so great, then how come it's not the state capital?
Jake: What? Who cares about the state's capital? This is the concrete jungle where dreams are made of. That doesn't sound right - "where dreams are made of"?
Jess: I don't know, you tell me. It's your dumb city.
Jake: It's grammatically odd. Whatever, I'm sure wherever you're from has strange songs written about it, too.
Jess: Los Angeles?
Jake: Damn it, all the songs there are so good.

Jake: [Charles is pushing Jake in a shopping trolley] We're doing it Boyle! We're Tokyo Drifting!

Jake: You wanna know why I really wanted that year of no paperwork? It's so if we did get pregnant, I would have more time to help with the baby.
Amy: Aww.
Jake: No, save your "aww." I don't deserve it. I'm just some boring, responsible guy that's about to lose our car.
Amy: You're still pretty irresponsible.
Jake: Aww. You're just saying that 'cause you're my wife.
Amy: No, I'm not. Yesterday, you took the batteries out of our smoke detector to put in your Big Mouth Billy Bass.
Jake: You noticed.
Amy: Yeah. In a bad way.

Jake: [Apologizing to Boyle] Well, I kept talking about how I wanted everything to go back to normal, but if that actually happened, this little guy wouldn't be here. Or is he big? I don't know what size kids are supposed to be, or anything about kids, really.

Charles: Captain, De Angelo has a place upstate, the local sheriff says there's a car in the driveway right now. He must be there.
Captain: Okay, they're going to have to raid the place without us, it'll take us two hours to get there.
Jake: Or we could take...
Captain: We are not taking a helicopter.
Jake: You know I was going to say "chopper".
Captain: Look, Peralta, I know you're having fun, but a helicopter is exactly the kind of wasteful expenditure that Wuntch will use to bury me if something goes wrong.
Jake: Okay, sir...
Captain: Or. It's the kind of thing she'll crucify me for not getting. "You could've had a copper, Raymond, why didn't you take advantage? Just a minute, my cauldron's boiling over."
Jake: Yeah, but what she actually said was:
[Using strange accent]
Jake: "Chopper's yours, Peralta."
[In his own voice]
Jake: Your impression was better.
Captain: What did you do?
Jake: She may have called me, and I may have briefed her, and she may have said "yes" to the chopper because it's definitely on its way right now!
Charles: I call middle seat!

Jake: Okay. We have a few more questions for you, doctor.
Captain: Doctor. Huh. It's funny when people call dentists "doctor".
Philip: We are doctors. We do four years of medical school.
Captain: Yeah, but it's called "dental school".
Philip: But we learn about the entire body.
Captain: But if you had cancer, you wouldn't call a dentist.
Philip: You know it's actually harder to get into dental school than medical school.
Captain: Well, because there are fewer dental schools. Because most people want to become actual doctors.
Philip: That's ridiculous. It's not like we're college professors calling ourselves "doctors".
Captain: Not the same thing, my friend.
Philip: Well, sure it is. When someone has a heart attack on a plane, do they yell out, "Yo, does anybody here have an Art History PhD?"
Captain: A PhD is a doctorate. It's literally describing a doctor.
Jake: Maybe let's refocus.
Captain: No! The problem here is that medical practitioners have co-opted the word "doctor".
Jake: Okay, Captain...
Captain: I know we live in a world where anything can mean anything, and nobody even cares about etymolo-!
Captain: Apparently that's a trigger for me.
Jake: Yeah, apparently.

Jake: [trying on Amy Santiago's glasses] You're a blind cop! How has there not been a made-for-TV movie about your struggles?

Jake: Squad, today we write a new chapter in the history of the Nine-Nine. And that chapter begins with the word "Jimmy," and ends with the word "Jab."
Rosa: That chapter's only two words long.
Jake: [Defensively] No, there's a lot of words in between. It's a long chapter.

Sergeant: The NYPD servers have internal backup batteries. Even if we unplug them, they'll stay on for another two hours.
Captain: As a captain, I have an override code I can use to wipe the servers clean so there'd be no information for the hackers to steal, but there's one problem, Jake.
Jake: Yes, sir?
Captain: You still have something in your teeth. You tried to get rid of it, but it's made it much more prominent.
Jake: Why would you stop everything just to tell me that?
Captain: It's very distracting.

Jake: Amy, Amy, we've got a problem. Charles found out I was leaving somehow and he got so upset that he ran away. I don't know where he went and he's not answering his phone.
Amy: Don't you have a tracker implanted in his brain or something?
Jake: Amy, I would never do that. It's a serious medical procedure. Which is why I had a doctor do it eight years ago when they were operating on the bullet wounds in Charles' butt.

[last lines]
Jake: That's how we do it in the Nine-Nine, sir. Catch bad guys and look good doing it.
[winces and fidgets]
Captain: What is wrong with you?
Jake: Never took off the Speedo. Big mistake. It is inside me. Great work, team!

Jake: Look, Raymond. A yellow crested warbler.
Captain: Yes! That's the right level of excitement for such a bird. You captured the essence of Kevin. You've done it.
Jake: Correction, I've accomplished it.
Captain: Indeed.
Kevin: Indeed.
Jake: Indeed, indeed, indeed...
Jake: Indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed.
Jake: It's growing on me.

Jake: [Looks around the bullpen, sees some big water bottles and starts formulating an idea] Bottles. Boyle. Bullpen.
Terry: What are you...
Jake: Uh-buh-buh. Bottles, Boyle, bullpen.
Jake: Bowling.
[Cut to Boyle, strapped on a chair, ready to act as a human bowling ball]
Jake: Behold, Brooklyn buddies, Boyle bullpen bottle bowling.
Charles: Beautiful.
Jake: Be brave, bro. Be brave. Bowl!
Rosa: [Boyle knocks over all the water bottles] Bam!
Charles: Bull's-eye!
Jake: Booyah!
Elderly: Babushka!
Jake: [Beat] Babushka!

Dr. Gabbie Wince: Yep, he swallowed 'em. You can see the gems right here on the X-ray.
Jake: And you're sure those are the gems and there's not something horribly wrong with him?
Dr. Gabbie Wince: Well, the part that's horribly wrong with him is if you look here...
[Points at the X-ray]
Officer: Oh, nobody cares.

Terry: [while driving through the woods] What is that small?
Jake: That is the absence of urine. You gotta leave Brooklyn to get that.

Roger: Your grandson would like us to make peace. So, do you apologize for being the worst father in the history in the world? Even worse than fathers who chain their children in basements?
Walter: I do not.
Roger: That's on him. I tried.
Jake: I really don't think you did.

Geoffrey: You never should have arrested me.
Jake: But I basically got your cocaine charges dropped. You only had to do 40 hours of community service.
Geoffrey: Right, but I wanted to get them all done at once, so for energy, I did way too much cocaine and meth. Went on a prolonged psychotic episode involving assault, public fornication, and, apparently, the touching of my scrotum to every doorknob in a synagogue.

Jake: Okay, to get into the basement, we're gonna have to distract her, so here's what I'm thinking. Maxwell Maxwell turns on the charm. Unbutton your jumper and say, "The thing about gas lines is, "the pressure builds and builds and it just needs a little... release."
Jake: You don't have to make that sound, but if I were you, I definitely would.
Raymond: No one will be talking about release or making the sound of a rodent in labor.
Jake: It was a sensuous moan, but fair enough.

Trudy: What's up, Peralta?
Jake: Hey, Trudy Judy and dog Judy. What's going on? Are you puppy sitting for Doug?
Trudy: Well, I was, but I need you to take him for me, because I'm going on a little vacay, and let's just say there's going to be some activities that aren't suitable for a little dog.
[really sexy voice]
Trudy: Mm!
Trudy: Like parasailing.
Amy: Oh. Thought you were building to something much more sexual.
Trudy: Nope, just really pumped for parasailing. Also, there's gonna be a lot of --bleep--, but the dog's okay with that.

Victor: You're not good enough for my Amy. I don't want my only daughter dating a screw-up.
Jake: Oh, yeah? Well, I don't want my only girlfriend daughtering a jerk-dad. Burn on you.

Charles: So how was the restaurant?
Charles: Why are you being weird?
Jake: Amy and I kissed.
Charles: WHAT?
Amy: To keep our cover from being blown, we didn't have a choice.
Charles: Tell me everything!
Jake: Charles, it was just a kiss, okay? It was for work, it was nothing.
Rosa: Yeah, who cares about a kiss? Call me if you grab each other's asses.

Officer: I gave the bunnies glasses and little blue vests.
Jake: The vests add nothing.
Officer: The vests add gravitas.
Jake: [Annoyed] Your butt adds gravitas!

Jake: [Reacting to the gang's intervention, who are trying to give him a haircut] Wait, wait, okay, okay, okay. Stop, stop, stop, stop. I'll admit it.
[sotto voce]
Jake: I went too deep down there in Florida. At one point, I think I forgot where the tip of me ended, and the base of the tips began.

Jake: To be honest, I think I just wanted a big dramatic moment so that I wouldn't feel sad. Because goodbyes are inherently sad. They mean that something's ending. And this one is especially sad because what we had was so great. But it's not all sad, right? We're moving on to things that we love. And we'll always have the memories of our times together, even though Hitchcock won the heist, which makes me so mad I wanna swallow my own tongue and die.
Hitchcock: It's a disgrace.

Jake: Terry doesn't want you in there. You make her uncomfortable.
Captain: I make her uncomfortable? Well that's ridiculous. I should go confront her about this at length.

Jake: [to Holt] You have no idea what it's like taking off bras. You had it so easy growing up gay!

Jake: I've been thinking about asking her out for the last couple of weeks, but it's hard. There's so much build up now, you know?
Rosa: Not really. I don't ask people out, I just tell them where we're going.

Jake: My lady left me.
Captain: My lady stayed.

Claire: He's not answering any questions...
Jake: [Interrupting] That's okay, I have no questions. That's right; I'm about to monologue, son.
Philip: Better make it quick. You only got eight minutes.
Jake: Alright, then let me paint you a picture: I'm Phillip, a successful periodontist that's become addicted to diazepam, a sedative I take because I'm junkie scum. Also, for real, addiction is a disease, I would be super empathetic if you hadn't murdered a man.
Claire: What is the point of this?
Jake: I'll get there. So, one day I'm working late when my boss, Robert, surprises me. He found out I was stealing meds - again, junkie scum - also, again, not your fault; there's a major genetic component to addiction. He says he's gonna file a police report. I could lose my license. We fight, and something in me just snaps, so I grab the first thing I can find, and I hit him with it.
Claire: You still have no murder weapon.
Jake: I do now. Here's a pic I found on Yelp of the surgical suite six months ago, and here's a shot that our crime scene photographer took of the same room two weeks after the murder. Notice any differences?
Claire: We're not answering that.
Jake: That's alright, I can just tell you myself. The Yelp shot had six of these heavy-looking glass awards from the Brooklyn Periodontics Society in the background, whereas this shot only has five. What happened to number six? Murdered Robert with it!
Philip: I didn't.
Jake: You lost all control and you bludgeoned him to death. There must have been blood everywhere, but you got lucky. You were in the surgical suite; it can be sterilized. You never would have gotten away with it in your carpeted office.
Philip: That's not what happened...
Claire: [Interrupting] Don't say anything more, Philip.
Jake: And your office manager would have heard all of the screaming but she was at her grandson's play. Lucky again.
Philip: You're wrong.
Jake: You put Robert's body into a wheelchair and shoved it in the elevator. It's a miracle there wasn't blood everywhere.
Philip: That's not true.
Jake: Now, you're in the garage with a corpse. You panicked and left your phone in your office, and you don't have your car keys, but Robert's are in his pocket so you put him in his car and you take off.
Philip: No.
Jake: You can't believe what you've done.
Philip: No.
Claire: Philip.
Jake: You're flustered. You have no GPS, so you just start driving.
Philip: No!
Claire: Philip!
Jake: Next thing you know, you're in the Pine Barrens, and it hits you: your uncle's cabin. He has a place there. You are the luckiest son of a bitch...
Philip: [Interrupting] It wasn't luck!
Jake: Yes, it was. You got lucky at every turn!
Philip: No. I knew exactly where I was driving, I left my phone in the office on purpose, I was in the surgical suite by design, and I didn't use some glass award that any *idiot* would clearly see was missing. I made a rod out of a special dental polymer, killed him with it, then melted it back down. It's already in a patient's mouth... son!

Dr. Gabbie Wince: Uh, I'm sorry. Who are all these people?
Jake: We're coworkers involved in an elaborate Halloween heist.
[to Holt]
Jake: Do you seriously not talk to your vet about us?

Caleb: Now, I'll tell you one thing. You are not looking for a cannibal.
Captain: Why do you say that?
Caleb: With all that blood? No self-respecting cannibal would waste all that sauce.
Jake: See, Charles? He's a foodie, like you.

Jake: Iknow that when things are hard I talk them through with Amy. And just being with her, looking into her eyes, everything that seems so complicated becomes simple. And then I just know.

Jake: Hey there, big guy. You sure you're feeling okay about ending Charles' life?
Terry: Yep, my girls are gonna see this movie.
Jake: Right, well, before you commit manslaughter, I do feel compelled to tell you that the movie only has a 38 on Rotten Tomatoes.

Raymond: When we originally wed, we didn't know how long gay marriage would be legal, so we had a somewhat rushed ceremony. Kevin has always regretted it, so we're having a vow renewal ceremony. This time, we're pulling out all the stops. It's will be a truly extravagant affair.
Charles: Oh, how extravagant are we talking? Champagne pyramid?
Terry: Destination wedding?
Jake: Celebrity officiant?
Raymond: We got the salad forks! Can you believe it, a second fork? Who do we think we are?
[Everyone is left speechless]
Raymond: Oh no, you're shocked at how garish it is. Now I don't even want to tell you the other surprise I have in store for Kevin.
Jake: Wait, let me guess -- you're getting bread plates?
Raymond: Don't be absurd; we're not crazy. No, the big surprise is I'm retiring from the NYPD.
Terry: Wait...
Charles: What?
Jake: Why did you lead with the salad forks?

Jocelyn: [Jake pretends to be Garrett, a mental patient with multiple personalities syndrome] Well, Garrett, our time is up. Shall we pick up here next week?
Jake: No, I can't go. There's still someone left inside that wants to talk.
Jocelyn: Do you mean Satchel, the "gentle African-American man who was born in 1908"?
Jake: Oh, no. You know what? Satchel probably shouldn't come out right now. Or ever, for that matter.
Jocelyn: Garrett, I can only help you if you open up.
Jake: [sighs]
[deep voice]
Jake: And then Dufresne escaped through the tunnels of Shawshank Prison. He was my friend.
Jocelyn: Are you just doing Morgan Freeman?
Jake: Ah, yes! You calling me on it just gave me a major breakthrough. I'm cured! Anyway, deuces, Doc!

Jake: I know technically I'm not supposed to help out, but rules are made to be broken.
Amy: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.
Jake: Uh, piñatas.
Rosa: Glow sticks.
Jake: Karate boards.
Rosa: Spaghetti when you have a small pot.
Jake: Rules.

Jake: The only worthwhile thing I've done today was take a Buzzfeed quiz about what kind of onion I am.

Dean: These shoes I'm wearing, with their "unique footprint" - we all have them. They were the departmental gift this Christmas. They're actually very funny. They have Achilles printed on the heel.
Jake: I don't know if I would call that "very" funny.

Jake: Sir, there you are. We've been looking everywhere for. Kevin says he hasn't heard from you all night.
Captain: Yes, I've been sitting in my office wallowing in my hopelessness, and eating the saddest food known to mankind. Ice cream.
Charles: Oh, my god, he's Bridget Jones-ing.
Jake: Okay, well it's time to put that aside and pull out whatever food you eat when you're happy.
Captain: Dry beans?
Jake: Sure.

Amy: Oh, my God. You're awake. I can't believe it. You're actually awake.
Jake: Hey. Wait a minute. What's going on? I gotta get back to the heist.
Amy: No! The heist? Jake, you've been in a coma for seven years.
Jake: What?

Hitchcock: If this van's a-rocking, my ex-wife's a-locking. Me. Out of the house.
Jake: Catchy.

Roger: Growing up, he had a boat. Meant everything to him. He named it "Walter," after himself.
Walter: She was the child I never had.
Roger: I was the child you did have! Anyway, one day I took Walter Junior out for a spin. I was trying to impress one of the lake girls. Before I met your mom, I was a bit of a ladies' man.
Jake: Yes, that continued long after you met my mom.

Jake: Guys. Guys, guys, guys. Three hour delay with no Holt or Terry? Do you have any idea what this means?
Charles: Make-overs!

Jake: He's leading us right to him. Now all we have to do is follow the trail of chocolate.
Scully: This... This is why I became a cop.

Captain: And so concludes this year's Secret Santa drawing. Just a quick reminder of the rules: $40 limit, no perishable items, and no homemade massage coupons, Hitchcock.
Hitchcock: Fine, then everyone'll have to pay full price for them.
Jake: Oh, Captain. I would like a $40 gift card to any restaurant that serves nachos.
Captain: I don't have you, Peralta.
Jake: Not only do I know that you do indeed have me, but I also know who everyone else has.
Terry: That's not possible.
Jake: Perhaps not for an ordinary man such as yourself, Jeffords. But for the brilliant mind of Detective Sherlock Peralta - I legally changed my name - it's quite simply... elementary. For, you see, Amy made a face I only recognized from our bedroom, which means that she has Captain Holt. Charles has Terry. His eyes keep shifting over to him.
Charles: [shifts eyes to Terry] No, I don't.
Jake: Terry looked disgusted, which means he has Hitchcock. Rosa didn't draw a name, nor did she put one in. She doesn't wanna participate.
Rosa: Never do.
Jake: Hitchcock moves his mouth when he reads and he quite clearly said Char-les.
Hitchcock: I did get Char-les.
Jake: Scully has Amy. He's hold his paper name-side out.
Scully: Oh, he's good.
Jake: And I have Scully, which means Captain Holt has me. I'll be taking that gift card. Daddy loves nachos.

Jake: Sure, yeah, not a problem we'll be home by sunup. Just like a couple of sexy "Twilight" vampires.
[as Dracula]
Jake: I am Robert Pattinson. I vant to turn into a bat.
[normal voice]
Jake: I've never seen the movies.
Charles: No, me neither. They're an insult to the books.

Charles: Yippie kayak, other buckets!
Jake: Boyle, you did it! And you completely botched the catchphrase.
Charles: I'm pretty sure it was right.
Jake: No, but you did great.

Jake: Let's go.
Amy: No, wait. We look like cops. We're never gonna blend in dressed like this. Okay, there. How's that?
Jake: Uh, I don't know. All I see is clothes hanging off of a genderless blob.

Roger: Peralta fathers do not get along with sons.
Jake: What? That's not true. I mean, look at us. We're doing better than ever. This year, you even remembered my birthday month.
Roger: Things are good now, but honestly, it's probably just a blip.
Jake: Well, that's fun to hear.
Roger: Well, that's just the way it is. It's the family curse. I haven't talked to my father since you were 10. His dad abandoned him at the World's Fair. His dad fled to America after drowning his dad in a well.

Raymond: Welcome to the lake house!
Terry: Where's the lake? I didn't see it on the way in.
Raymond: That's because there's no lake up here.
Terry: But you said it was a lake house.
Raymond: No, we called it "The" Lake House. It was once owned by Krisopp Lake, the scholar of textual criticism who wrote, "Dated Greek Manuscripts To the Year 1200."
Jake: Yeah, Terry. It's obviously named after Kirsopp Lake. No one else was confused about that.

Jake: For the final heist, we will all be competing for this.
Raymond: Is that my medal of valor from the very first heist?
Jake: It is modeled after it, yes, but this far more meaningful.
Raymond: I got mine for saving the life of Maya Angelou.
Jake: Boring! This one says Grand Champion on it and it's made out of golt, a non-gold alloy that should not be handled by women who are pregnant or nursing. Yours is garbage.

Hitchcock: Look at this bread. It's completely inedible. There's not even any soft parts in the middle we can pull out.
Jake: Title of your sex tape?

Jake: Look, Charles, don't look behind you, but I think we're being followed. I saw this guy when we were leaving the precinct, and he was in line at lunch, and now he's right behind us.
Charles: Is it someone you arrested?
Jake: I don't recognize him, but judging by the head-to-toe denim, I say he's either not American or deeply American. I'm thinking Ukraine or Kentucky.

Dr. Oliver Cox: Okay, so whoever did this, they weren't careful with the organs. They just sorta grabbed whatever and yanked.
Charles: Title of your sex tape. Oh, that's just something we say back at the Nine-Nine.
Dr. Oliver Cox: Interesting, 'cause around here sex tape is what we call the adhesive you use to reattach a severed penis.
Charles: Oh, I'll have to pick some of that up.
Jake: Why?

Amy: You're pretty hurt, huh?
Jake: Yeah. It's very exciting. I'm the underdog now, like Seabiscuit. I mean, sure, I can't lift my arms, but Seabiscuit won without even having arms.
Amy: What are you talking about?
Jake: I don't know. I fell. We're already married. It doesn't matter.

Jake: They're not going to kill you fast Scully. They're going to make it real slow. First they're going to scalp you, and then they're going to rip your tongue out.
Scully: No! That's my cupcake taster.

Jake: Just you and me, and towel makes three.

Jake: Hey uh, now that it's just us, there's a thing I wanted to say adaza you...
Amy: Why doesn't your mouth work?
Jake: "Why doesn't your mouth work", title of our sex tape.
Amy: What?
Jake: Your sex tape! What? No!

Jake: What's gross about pancakes with butter and maple syrup?
Charles: You've completely abandoned the pancake part. Now you're just eating butter with syrup on it.
Jake: Yeah, I cut out the carbs. This is me being healthy.

Jake: That sleep apnea mask is something else, huh?
Charles: I got to say, ever since I got her...
Jake: Her?
Charles: She touches my lips, Jake. She's a her.

Jake: Okay, a couple of quick announcements. First, I met our night janitor Ronald. If any of you are missing hand sanitizer, he drank it.

Jake: Why aren't you guys on your way to the airport?
Jocelyn: Oh, I'm gonna miss my flight, but it's worth it. It means a lot that Rosa bailed on all this just for me.
Jake: Aww.
Captain: You did what, Diaz?
Jake: Now, sir, I told her it was okay. If you're gonna be mad at anyone, be mad at me.
Captain: Okay, I am mad at you.
Jake: What? No. I didn't think you were really gonna be mad. That backfired. Be mad at Rosa.

Jake: Sir, I'd like to talk to you about the new task force you're on the hiring committee for.
Raymond: The Special Tactical Operations and Auxiliary Strategic Response Citywide Emergency Investigative Unit for Emergency Operations? You know, I had a hand in naming it.
Jake: And it's great, although you might wanna try shortening it, maybe using a cool acronym.
Raymond: So, the S.T.O.A.S.R.C.E.I.U.E.O.? Hm, you're right. That *is* cool.

Jake: [Jake has to break through a door to win the Jimmy Jab games] I can do this. For my wife.
[He fells on the door and fails miserably]
Jake: Ah, it didn't work. My skeleton feels like it's made of Skittles. I can't do it, Amy.
Amy: Yes, you can, okay? You just need a little energy. And Debbie's EpiPens are full of adrenaline.
Jake: Is that a smart thing to do?
Amy: Probably not, but sometimes it's good to be a little irresponsible.
Jake: You're gonna make me sick.
Amy: It's better than losing our car.
Jake: I mean, is it? 'Cause...
[Amy sticks him with the EpiPen]
Jake: I will never die!
[He charges at the door]

Jake: Charles Boyle... isn't a Boyle.

Jake: Hello, good sir, I'd like your finest bottle of wine, please.
Liquor: That will be $1,600.
Jake: Great, I'd like your $8-est bottle of wine, please.

Jake: The point is a crime has been committed, and someone in this room did it. There are seven suspects all with means and motive. It appears what we have is a classic whodunnit.
Raymond: The phrase "whodunnit" is a grammatical abomination. Please use the proper term, a "who has done this."
Jake: I will not.

Jake: [Holt and Jake are going undercover on a mission] Okay, if we wanna get past O'Sullivan's ma, we need undercover personas. I'm thinking you will be Maxwell Maxwell, international playboy and black ops specialist. He'd had affairs on every continent, but his true mistress is danger.
Raymond: I thought you learned your lesson about turning police work into movies.
Jake: Yeah, I did, but this is a movie about reform. I mean, isn't that a movie you'd wanna see?
Raymond: The only movie I wanna see is called "The World of Mosses." It's a documentary about the world of mosses.
Jake: It sounds bad.

The: All eyes are gonna be on us because Frick and Frack here killed Captain Dozerman.
Jake: Hey, we accidentally startled a man with a genetic heart condition. If you really think about it, his parents killed him.

Jake: You work for the post office. Your motto is 'Surprisingly, we exist.'
Jack: Incorrect. Our motto is "nos custodimus quod lingus". We guard what you lick.
Jake: That's worse!

Rosa: Captain Holt hates pranks. This is gonna backfire, man.
Jake: Ugh, fine, I'll tone it down. I'll... move his podium a foot to the left.
Amy: What? He'll be so angry.
Jake: Okay, five inches.
Amy: Five?
Jake: Three?
Amy: Three!
Jake: One?
Amy: One?
Jake: All right. I'll move it a half inch.
Amy: Fine. It's your funeral.
Jake: Oh my god. Worst prank ever. So stupid. Holt's not even going to notice.
Captain: Good morning.
[He puts his papers on the podium but stops for a second, realizing something is off]
Captain: You guys... the podium, it's... Ha.
Captain: [laughter intensifies]
[riotous laughter]
Captain: [shouting] You're crazy! How did you pull this off?

Jake: All right, listen, Fogle. We have a councilman in the hospital and his shooter is still at large. We don't have time for this incompetence. I want your partner off the case, what's his name?
Officer: It's Raymond Holt.
Jake: Oh! It's Dad... I mean, Captain Holt! I mean, Captain Dad. I mean, Officer Holt. I mean, Officer Dad. Yep, that was it. Officer Dad, I found it.

Jake: All right, look, Ames. I never had a brother, but I know four guys who did, and they would have fights and squabbles, but in the end, they always had each other's shells.
Amy: Are you talking about the Ninja Turtles?
Jake: Of course I'm talking about the Ninja Turtles!

Scully: Look, we need to solve this to prove to that idiot John Kelly, how inane and useless his little app is.
Jake: Oh dip. I see what's going on. Holt is feeling petty.
Scully: I'm not being petty. I can assure you my feelings about John Kelly are purely professional.
Jake: Are they? Because every time his name is brought up in our group text thread you immediately send back a super catty GIF of some lady from "The Durrells in Corfu" rolling her eyes.
Scully: That's Louisa Durrell, exasperated by the pace of life on Corfu.

Jake: We finally got all the Lambda Nus back into holding.
Amy: Who are the Lambda Nus? Doesn't matter. I'll read your notes later.
Jake: I didn't take any notes.
Amy: What the hell, Jake? Do you even love me?

Captain: Peralta, my office.
Jake: Oh, Kevin's here. And you both look so upset. Oh, no, did they stop funding the arts?

Jake: Buckle your butts, everyone! The Jimmy Jab Games are back!

Roger: You're so excited about having a kid, you're having a sex reveal party. I never did anything like that, except that one time in Amsterdam.
Jake: I really wish you'd stop bringing that up.

Jake: Let's bring it in, huh? "Suicide Squad" on three. Ready? One, two...
The: I don't touch other dudes' hands.
Charles: Whose hand is sticky?
Captain: It might be me. I ate a popsicle earlier.
Captain: It's probably Madeline. Cockroaches release a mucus-like secretion.

Jake: All right, full disclosure. I was trying to do that Bible thing and then one of you was gonna take the high road and say that rather than see the tickets destroyed, you would just bow out, and then that person was gonna get the tickets.
Terry: Nope. If I don't get them, no one does.
Charles: Agreed. Boyles or bust.
Terry: Cut them up.
Jake: I'm not gonna do that. I'm just gonna have to think of another way to figure this out. Stupid Bible with stupid lessons never solved crap!

Jake: I bet you do know the password to the wedding website, don't you?
Jake: Yeah, I guess.
Jake: Well, then I guess you better tell it to me, Shane. You wash my back, I'll wash yours.
Rosa: Wash?
Jake: I meant scratch. You know I meant scratch.

Jake: I think Holt got into my head. We might have to delay the press conference.
Charles: But this is the moment we've been waiting for. My dad's driving home early from his brother's funeral to watch it live.
Jake: Wait, he's doing what?
Charles: If you want me to put it in a better context, I can't. This was very important to him.

Jake: Boyle, why don't you show Danger what a fax machine is.
Charles: Okay. Imagine a letter had unprotected sex with a phone.

Captain: Peralta, Santiago, you'll be happy to know that I did not erase the server.
Jake: Oh, thank God.
Captain: But sad to know that Knox caught on and is now holding me at gunpoint.
Jake: Why not lead with that?

Rosa: You spent the whole day flirting with Amy.
Jake: Yeah, we're joking around because we're friends now that I've moved on.
Rosa: Then prove it. Beat Amy and don't flirt with her at all.
Jake: Fine, easy. But you better tell Katie to clear out her schedule out Thursday for a date, 'cause I'm working nights until then and the following weekend I am out of town, let's do this.

Jake: Sorry dude... But this new guy is gonna be another washed-up pencil pusher, who's only concerned with
Jake: following every rule in the patrol guide. Meep morp zeep. Robot captain engage.
Captain: Is that what you think?
Jake: He-hey! New captain alert.
Jake: You must be the new C.O. I'm Detective Jake Peralta. Great to meet you.
Captain: Now don't let me interrupt. You were describing what kind of person I'm gonna be. I'd like you to finish.
Jake: That's not necessary. Or I could recap very quickly, sure. Um, let's see. I think I said some joke about being a washed-up pencil pusher.
Captain: Now do the robot voice.
Jake: Which...
Captain: The robot voice you were doing when you implied I'm a rule-following robot. I wanna hear it again.
Jake: Meep morp... Zarp. Robot.
Captain: That's a terrible robot voice.
Jake: Yep.
Captain: The next time I see you, I'd like you to be wearing a necktie.

Raymond: It's not bad for an old robot, huh? Beep-borp. Zeep.
Jake: Sir, did you just make a joke?
Raymond: I believe I did, yes. I guess in the end, we rubbed off on each other quite a bit. Title of your sex movie.

Kevin: Ah, hello. Thank you for coming early to help out. There's a lot to do since we decided to go so over the top. I mean, look at the napkins. We're going with a pretty whimsical fold... lengthwise.
Jake: That is... funny.
Kevin: [Upset] The intent was whimsy, not humor. Now you have me doubting everything.

Jake: People are gonna notice if I disappear.
[His phone beeps]
Jake: See? Someone's already looking for me. You're in big trouble, buddy.
Geoffrey: [Reads] Your e-coupon for Big Mike's Calzones expires today.
Jake: You're damn right. And if I don't redeem that, Big Mike is gonna get real suspicious.

Gina: I personally like the night shift. You know who else is up right now?
Jake: Murderers? Armed robbers?
Gina: [Australian accent] Australians. It's an whole new demographic for me to conquer.
[normal voice]
Gina: I already have the third most followers behind Iggy Azalea and the Perth Zoo Wallaby cam.

Jake: Hey, can you sign this arrest report for Augustine and the buyer?
Amy: Sure.
Jake: Man, I forgot how long your signature takes. Just gonna watch Braveheart on my phone real' quick. Given the circumstances, I can see how that might've seemed like flirty teasing or something, but I was legit being critical; you have a problem. No, even that sounded like banter now. Alright, there's only one way out of this for me. I just gotta get super cruel. Prepare to have your physical flaws pointed out, Amy. Talking about your tall butt and your weird elbows.

Amy: [on her date] Well, he's nice, and he uses proper punctuation in texts.
Jake: Dreamboat.

Warden: Maybe you just need some extra incentive. Find the stash, or I'll tell everybody you're a snitch.
Jake: What? No. They'll kill me. You don't want that, right? It'd probably be a lot of paperwork for you.
Warden: Oh, it's not. It's just one form, and it's already filled out. We just have to staple a picture of your corpse to it.
Jake: Great. Prison... is great.

Jake: Amy would never fudge numbers. She loves numbers. Sometimes I think she loves them more than me.
Jake: Stupid numbers, think they're so great. I'd love to see numbers give you a baby.

Jake: [about Holt and Terry, who are trapped in the elevator] Yeah, they're trapped in there.
Rosa: Oh no, that means we have to call the fire department.
Jake: Or, hear me out, we leave them in there forever, and move on emotionally.

Jake: The Association of Brooklyn Public Defenders, A.K.A. The Chamber of Asses. No, wait. That's too sexy. The Chamber of Snakes.

Amy: [Catching Jake and Holt trying to sneak off to read Captain Kim's mail] Seriously? The bathroom sneak-off? It didn't work for Dana McAlpin trying to smoke a joint at the Winter Carnival Dance, and it's not going to work for you. Give me the mail. Hmm. You just got "chaperowned", O-W-N-E-D.
Jake: Spelling is never cool.
Officer: Wrong, that was extremely cool. Now I understand why you're "into her."
Jake: Now you understand? You officiated our wedding.

Jake: I'll have you know that a dog's butt is cleaner than a human's mouth.
Terry: That can't be true.
Jake: Well, a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's mouth, and dog mouths lick dog butts, so you tell me where my theory is wrong.

Jake: Scully, tell them we're cops. Tell them!
Scully: Nous sommes navets. Nous sommes navets!
[the Quebec police keep walking]
Scully: Shoot. That means "turnip." I said we were turnips. I got it. Don't worry.
[Calls after them]
Scully: We are turnips! Nope, that was English.

Jake: [looking at a picture of the young Hitchcock and Scully] I can't believe I'm going to say this, but...
Charles: Meow!
Jake: No, that is not what I was gonna say, but, honestly? Yeah - meow. No offense, guys, but what the hell happened to you?
Scully: Are you body-shaming us?
Jake: No, I'm personality-shaming you. You were so alert and cool and job-doing.

Charles: Patrols have searched a five-block radius. No sign of the perp.
Jake: And there were no prints. He was wearing gloves.
Charles: Like the inimitable Audrey Hepburn.
Jake: Nope.

Jake: All right, David is perfect, but so are you. Let's just go tonight, and I'll be your hype man. You know how good I am at talking you up. Here, watch. Hey, Scully. Did you know that Amy is super cool?
Scully: No way. Can I get your autograph, ma'am?
Jake: See?
Amy: Fine, we'll go.
[She turns to leave]
Scully: What, too stuck up for your fans? Ya friggin' turd!

Captain: Stupid questions, grammatical errors, lose your train of thought, just ask him to confess... Ooh, relate everything back to those movies you've seen.
Jake: Kinda seems like a shot at me about Die Hard, but okay.
Captain: This is not a comment on you, Peralta. I just wanna bring this guy down.
Jake: Yeah, that's all I want too. And to possibly say, 'You can't handle the tooth!' You know, if it comes up naturally.
Captain: It won't.
Jake: It might.
Captain: I actually think... it can't.

Jake: All right, let's get this thing going. Scully will be locked in the supply closet with his bracelet.
Scully: Can I lie down on the floor?
Jake: Uh, yeah. You can do whatever you want. And you're already on the ground. With Hitchcock. And you both have pillows.
Hitchcock: Best day ever.

Amy: Okay, how can we help? What do you need?
Jake: I need nothing. I am about to solve the case, meet the mayor, and sell my life rights to Channing Tatum so he can play my less attractive brother in the ensuing film.

Raymond: I could really use this day off to spend some time with my husband.
Rosa: Oh, please. We all have loved ones. You're not getting any sympathy just because you're gay.
Jake: Rosa, I don't think he was...
Raymond: No, I was. She saw right through me. Nevertheless, I will destroy you all.

Jake: All of our worst enemies are here. Brown hair guy. Pony tail lady. Asian Don Cheadle. I refuse to learn their names because it humanizes them.

Frank: So now I'd like to move on to a real suspect. I wanna see detective Diaz in the box.
Jake: [Charles gasps] What... don't gasp for him. What are you doing?
Charles: I'm sorry. It just slipped out.
Rosa: Title of your sex tape.

Amy: I would never fabricate numbers. I love numbers.
Jake: Numbers can't be a father to your child, Amy.

Rosa: Why do these guys do so well with women?
Jake: Oh I'm sorry they don't live up to your superficial standards of male beauty, Rosa. I'm kidding, it's because they're rich.

Jake: Why do I have to dress up for Thanksgiving? I don't even celebrate that stuff. The whole holiday is based on overeating. We should be wearing velvet tracksuits and diapers.

Jake: [Gina is revealed to have the real plaque of the heist] Gina! Of course! It all makes sense, except for the parts I don't understand and the fact that I still kind of think Terry did this.

Jake: [about a suspect missing from an accident scene] Okay, Charles, I see two possibilities. One, he was vaporized into a being of pure electricity, becoming a supervillain known only as "The Surge Freak."
Officer: Seems unlikely.
Jake: Yeah, I know, Officer Rick, that's why I said there were two possibilities. He probably just hobbled off so he wouldn't get a DUI. Here, we'll follow this very obvious trail of blood. Happy now?
[Muttering to himself, as he and Charles leave]
Jake: Stupid Officer Rick and his stupid joyless approach to life!

Amy: Hey, who's that guy from Cyber?
Jake: Sergeant Knox. We've been talking computers all day. Pretty technical stuff. I kept up.

Captain: Let's mobilize. Nobody in or out of the building without authorization. Check every inch of every floor. And, Jake.
Jake: Oh, let me guess. It's on another tooth now. Is it somehow on my face?
Captain: No, what I was going to say is, we only have 15 minutes left. You need to focus, because time is running out.
Jake: Oh, yeah. That's what the F I'm talking about. Thank you, sir.

Jake: [Realising who the assailant is] Oh, my God, that's it.
Gina: [Very drugged] That is it! The treasure is in the Forest of Enchanted Secrets! Let's go!
Jake: No, we can't. We have to stay here and guard the Amulet of Destiny.
Gina: True dat, true dat.

Kevin: So will you help me?
Jake: I don't know. I want to, but keeping a secret from Holt? That's a lot of pressure.
Kevin: Hmm. Am I remembering correctly? Don't you eat pressure for breakfast?
Jake: [gasps] Nic Cage in "The Rock." We are best friends. I am so in!

Jake: Oh no. The party's not happening!
Jake: That means we're *just* in a hotel in Rochester. This is a nightmare!

Jake: [Pretends to be a mental patient with multiple personalities syndrome] Uh, I was just talking to another one of the voices.
Dr. Theresa Moore: Is it Tatiana?
Jake: Who now?
Dr. Theresa Moore: The mischievous seven-year-old British girl you told me about on the phone? May I speak with her?
Jake: Uh...
[high-pitched British accent]
Jake: Yes? Hello, Doctor. I'm from Wussex.
Dr. Theresa Moore: Is that an actual place in England?
Jake: How should I know? I'm just a little girl, I am, I am.
Dr. Theresa Moore: Well, it's nice to speak with you, Tatiana. Can I say hello to Brian, the bookkeeper from Central London?
Jake: [In a male British accent] Cheers, I'm Brian. I like bookkeeping right in the middle of London. Did I tell you a full list of my many personalities when I called you on the ol' telly, innit?
Dr. Theresa Moore: Yes, you did.
Jake: And are any of 'em, hopefully, not from England?
Dr. Theresa Moore: There's Geoffrey. You said he's Australian.
Jake: [In an Australian accent] Aww, crikey.

Jake: Look, I know you don't like him, but can you at least try to be nice for me?
Roger: Okay. I'll be nice.
Roger: I wish you were dead, you lousy son of a bitch!
Jake: You said you were gonna be nice.
Roger: I lied so I could say the "son of a bitch" thing.

Jake: Pregnant. Nice. Means you had sex.
Amy: Damn right, I did. And I forgot my birth control. Yeah! I think the belly will draw attention away from my face.
Jake: Smart. Like one big boob.

Officer: These fools don't stand a chance against us.
Jake: Yeah, they really are fools, aren't they? Just like whoever Agnes and Alfredo beat at singing to get into the Olympics. I know nothing about opera.

Jake: [to Captain Holt, while trying to ID a woman] Look at her calf. It's a tattoo of Jesus punching bin Laden in the nuts.

Amy: You're out? I'm in the finals?
Jake: And all I have to do to get Katie's number is beat Amy? That's nothing.
Amy: [smacks his belly]
Jake: Hey! Don't you dare touch Amy Junior! That's right- it's your baby!
Amy: You saying I knocked you up?
Jake: You sure did!

Captain: I know everyone's mad at Peralta for ruining their weekend.
Jake: But?
Captain: That was it. I was just demonstrating for Detective Peralta what a fact is.

Jake: But what about the autobiography of Persimminons you were taunting us with?
Dean: I suppose I can see how holding any book would seem like a taunt to you.
Jake: I own a book.

Jake: Perhaps the kidnapper's watch is slow.
Captain: Oh, dear God, if his watch is slow, there's no telling what else this psychopath is capable of.

Kevin: Look, Raymond. A yellow crested warbler.
Jake: [Does a perfect imitation] Look, Raymond. A yellow crested warbler.
Captain: No, you're too excited. The warbler's a common bird.

Jake: [about Gintars] Now they won't let him go just because I asked them to even though they arrested him just because I asked them to. It's a crazy system. I don't understand it.

Russ: She shot me! She shot me in the leg.
Dotty: You made a sudden motion!
Russ: I sneezed!
Jake: Okay, Dotty, what do you have a gun for?
Dotty: To protect myself. Cops are all wimps now.
Dotty: My wife is having a baby and I have to be there to brush her hair.
Jake: I wasn't gonna brush her hair.
Charles: You weren't?

Terry: [about his plan to win over Amy's dad] Wow, you are really pulling this off.
Jake: I know, all this research is actually gonna work. Should I prepare for things all the time?
Terry: Yeah.
Jake: [Doesn't pay him any attention] Nah, that's crazy.

Jake: Oh, my God. It's real life "Die Hard." I mean, "Oh, no! Crime."

Jake: I can prove that I filled up my tank, all right? I even have a receipt, because I keep all my receipts like a mature adult person.
[Pulls out a pocket-full]
Jake: Laser tag, wheelie shoes, remote control monster truck...

Jake: I've been dirty long before Nucci came onto the scene. I do a ton of coke. They call me Mr. Springtime because of how fast I make the snow disappear.

Jake: Figure out what's living in there yet?
Captain: Well, uh, judging by the empty beer cars, the fur, the pornography, and the claw marks, I'd say a homeless man and a raccoon. The exact nature of their relationship is still revealing itself.
Jake: I'm gonna assume sexual.

Captain: We need a different strategy
Jake: Ok, fine. How about this. I convince him I'm unstable. I run in there screaming, throw a chair through the two-sided mirror, glass goes everywhere. He's like "If Mad Dog Peralta would do that, who knows what else he's capable of?"
Captain: No offense but you don't get angry well.
Jake: What? That's not true. Remember how angry I got about how fast Daenerys got from Dragonstone to north of the Wall. That was intense.
Captain: You have a boyish face and a big, goofy grin. It's like being yelled at by a children's cereal mascot.

Jake: Charles, why did you let Terry choose boxing?
Charles: He didn't. I picked it.
Jake: But you'll die.
Charles: Don't worry about it. Boxing's in my blood. My Nana Boyle boxed in the Navy.
Jake: I'm sure she did but... and hear me out... what if you're not as strong as your Nana Boyle?
Charles: I can handle myself. She taught me her signature punch; the Strawberry Basket.
Jake: That does not reassure me.

Adrian: Huh, I'm really scared, Jake. I'm really scared.
Jake: Yeah, I know, just try and look at one thing and focus only on that until I can get Charles out here to help.
Adrian: Okay, okay. Ooh, there's a juicy old person butt in that window.
Jake: Why's it gotta be juicy and old?
Adrian: I don't know, but I'm grateful for it.

Walter: [Reminiscing on his favorite memory with his son] While we were playing, the neighbor kid fell off his bike.
Roger: Yeah, he broke his arm.
Walter: You could see the bone.
Roger: [laughs] Do you remember when we went skiing, and the guy fell off the lift and busted his leg?
Walter: And you could see the bone.
Roger: It was just, like, sticking right out of the skin, and he's, like, screaming. We were laughing.
Walter: Oh, oh, it was beautiful.
Roger: God, I hope somebody found him.
Jake: Okay, well, you guys are both monsters, but this is going great.

Jake: Come on man. Just tell me who you are. I need to fill this thing out perfectly, so my boss will get off my back. Are you a minor? How old are you?
Trevor: 610. I'm a highlander.
Jake: Okay, you know what? I'm gonna put that in there, and then you're gonna be tried as an adult highlander. And they're gonna cut your head off. Is that what you want?

Jake: I'm looking for your foster brother, George.
Doug: Hate the guy. Stole from my mom, burned our house down. Worst of all, he ran off with my LP of Phil Collins' "No Jacket Required." It's my favorite album. Haven't heard it in 20 years.
Jake: I mean, can't you just stream it?
Doug: Can't do that to Phil. "Sussudio" demands vinyl.
Jake: Right. Vinyl and whatnot.

Captain: You and Santiago should quit now. I'm going to stomp on your dreams.
Amy: It's fun to see you so passionate.
Captain: I will slit you both open from mouth to anus and wear you like jackets.
Jake: Wow. Is it weird that that turned me on a little bit?

Captain: Show me the tip.
Jake: [mumbling] Title of your sex tape.

Charles: And now Nikolaj says he's too frightened to ever sleep again, so that's just superduper.
Adrian: I don't understand what he's so scared about. If I was there to kill him, he never would've heard me.
Charles: A thing you told him several times.
Jake: God, Nikolaj is having such a rich childhood.

Doug: Jake Peralta, do I have an earring?
Jake: Um, what?
Doug: You heard me. We've been in the car for three hours. You've known me for seven years. Do I have an earring?
Jake: Oh, no. I'm drawing a blank. I can kind of picture a diamond stud.
Doug: That'd be a good look.
Jake: Or maybe a gold cross or a little hoop.
Doug: I do have versatile ears.

Charles: This is it. My purpose is clear. I was put on this Earth to get you back in time to see your baby's birth.
Jake: I mean, you're a grown man with your own hopes and dreams.
Charles: [Decisively] My purpose is clear.

Jake: [Looking over pictures of their new Captain] Okay, we've got her meeting the mayor, her dog-sitting for Bo Obama, Malala giving her an award, but no photos of Wuntch.
Raymond: That's because vampires don't appear on film. Perhaps we should be looking for a 17th-century woodblock print.

Jake: Hey there, Jake Peralta.
Lt. Andrew Miller: I'm sorry, handshakes are the greatest avenues of germ transmission. I generally prefer simple nods.
Jake: Ok.
Lt. Andrew Miller: Would you ah. Pass me that hand sanitizer, please?
Jake: Yah.
Lt. Andrew Miller: No, no, no! Use your elbows, keep your nostrils closed. Don't, BREATHE on it!
Jake: [drops the sanitizer] Ah!
Lt. Andrew Miller: Forget it, I'll just use the wipes.

Jake: A countdown clock, green text on a black background: we are in full-on action-movie mode. Now all I need is my no-nonsense captain to tell me to focus, because time is running out.
Captain: Peralta.
Jake: Yes?
Captain: You have something in your teeth. It's, uh, quite off-putting.
Jake: What? No. "Time is running out." I fed you your line. No one ever has something in their teeth in a movie. Watch a movie, stupid Holt.

Charles: Jake, by trusting him you're putting your job on the line, which means you're also putting my job on the line.
Jake: How so?
Charles: Because if you get fired, I will swim out into the ocean until I'm too tired to swim back and I will sink to the bottom and then I won't have a job.

Jake: Man up? That is sexist. I don't see gender, sir.

Jake: While I was gone the dude resurfaced and got in a shootout with another drug dealer. Two civilians got shot. Meanwhile I was sipping piña coladas in Philly. From that day on I vowed to never take time off during a case. Also, I don't love Philly.
Terry: Jake, I get it. Philly sucks.

Nate: It was for love!
Detective: Cool motive, still murder.

Jake: Okay, fine. You want to know why I really don't want to have children? I had a crappy dad. I know what happens when you mess up as a parent. It's not great. And this may come as a shock to you, but I kind of have some dad issues with certain people.
Amy: Holt.
Captain: [over the phone] Me.
Kevin: [over Captain Holt's phone] Raymond.

Amy: Did I do something to you? Are you mad? Is this because I brushed all the crumbs off your desk?
Jake: What? No, I don't care about that. Do you know where they are?

Terry: I've been through this before. In college, I had a football buddy, Bryant Ungerbert...
Jake: Oh, and lemme guess. You guys were best friends, then he got drafted into the NFL, and now you never talk.
Terry: No, he got drafted into the Canadian football league, became a long snapper for Ottawa, and even that level of success ruined our friendship.
Jake: He's still playing? How is that possible? You're 35 to 60 years old.
Terry: It's Canada. They don't tackle as hard. Anyway, his career became the only thing that mattered. He was off doing photo shoots, commercials, speaking at long snapping conventions...
Jake: Is that a thing?
Terry: In Canada, it's like the Oscars.

Trudy: Wait, we destroyed your phone. How did you call for backup?
Jake: That was actually easy. When Doug was distracted, yelling at the concierge, I swapped out my waterlogged phone for his.
Doug: Damn, I would have noticed that if I wasn't trying to live in the moment and not look at my phone so much.

Raymond: You look like a corpse we just pulled out of the river.
Jake: Wrong - I look like a cool rock star who OD'd in his own pool.

Terry: Look, we all miss Jake and Rosa, which is why we have to keep working the case. There has to be some way to exonerate them.
Amy: I've been looking, but I can't find anything - and I don't know what to do.
Jake: "I can't find anything and I don't know what to do": title of your sex tape.

Amy: All right, I know what's going on here. You two still don't trust Captain Kim and you're here to snoop on her.
Raymond: I don't know what you're talking about.
Amy: Please. Look at your shoes. You only wear sneakers for their literal purpose: sneaking.
Jake: That's crazy. He's wearing perfectly normal...
Raymond: No, she's right. The clown shoes gave me away.

Jake: [Jake sees Detective Dyson and the other BPD cops being led away in handcuffs] Hey, what happened?
Detective: Sorry, bro, they busted us.
Jake: 'cause the party got too crazy?
Detective: Yeah, totally.
Fred: They've been taking bribes.
Detective: No, it's because of the party. That's what you should tell everyone.

Doug: [Rapping] Doug and Jake rolling down the street...
Jake: PB and J, a tasty little treat...
Doug: Two cool dudes making sandals for your feet...
Jake: [Stops rapping] What?
Doug: I was going for the rhyme, but now I kind of feel like it's a good idea.
Jake: Love it!
[Continues to rap]
Jake: Making sandals that last is our ideology / Made real by our patented, strapless technology
[Stops rapping]
Jake: It's magnets.
Doug: Okay!
Doug: Yo, you can wear 'em on the beach...
Jake: Wear 'em on a hike...
Doug: Wear 'em on a Peloton exercise bike...
Doug: Doug and Jake, two best friends / With the premium, open-toed shoes for men! Rah!

Jake: It's like you're not even trying to confess!

Terry: You're not the same immature, rebellious kid you used to be. Didn't you and Amy buy a family-friendly midsize sedan?
Jake: In a rebellious color... champagne... which is an alcohol. And let's not forget, I wanted to have sex in your office just now.
Terry: Yeah, to have a baby and become a father!
Jake: Yeah, he turned it around on me.

Rosa: Hey, Boyle, I need a recommendation for a good restaurant. It's Marcus' birthday and I wanna do something... nice.
Charles: Oooh! You want, like, classic romantic or gastro-sensuous?
Rosa: Nope, never mind.
Jake: I know those categories. You guys are talking dates. Here's what you do. Invite him over, order some fancy take out, throw it in a pot, and act like you cooked it. I got the idea from Yahoo! Answers.
Rosa: Dude, I'm not gonna buy a pot. We're not married.

Jake: I'm sorry, but I'm the Prankmaster General and I take that role seriously.

Captain: I have decided to stop fighting it and lean in to the fact that I'm an idiot. Look at me, playing a video game.
Jake: Oh, which one?
Captain: "Times" crossword app.
Jake: Not a video game.
Captain: It plays a little song when you solve it, as if you've just learned to potty.
[piano music on phone]
Captain: Yes, yes, play me my dunce's tune.

Jake: Okay, just so we're clear, from this point forward, my call sign will be Death Blade.
Charles: And I'll be Rum Tum Tugger.
Jake: No, Boyle. No characters from 'Cats'.

Jake: Sir, you cracked it! You and your big hard brain.
Captain: Hard?
Jake: Yes! You have the biggest, hardest brain on Earth, and I want you to say it. Say "I am Raymond Holt, and my brain is rock hard."
Captain: A brain shouldn't be hard. If anything, I'll say, "I am Raymond Holt, and my brain is soft and wet."
Jake: No, don't say that. It's gross and I hate it. All right, let's go do some cop stuff.

Gintars: Jake, hey, I got it, man. Nice jeans, and the good thing is look both legs, same length.
Jake: Thank you very much. And I see it's 100% denim-ish. "Caution: Do not wear near women who are pregnant or breast-feeding".
Gintars: This is true. The nipple may fall off.

Jake: [Reading Pimento's tattoos] Okay, this one says "Buy toilet paper" in a truly gigantic font. I hate to think of the horrific event that led to a reminder of this size.
Charles: This says your bank account number is 432211378, then just under that, "Someone saw this and stole your money."

Jake: The 92nd Street Y, I had a wonderful symposium on just that topic.
Kevin: That's it. You're getting it.
Jake: Ah, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
Captain: Don't say "cool," instead say "indeed."
Jake: Oh, indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed.
Jake: It's weird.

Jake: [Jake stops a car, while in pursuit of a criminal] Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. NYPD. NYPD, I need to commandeer this vehicle.
Jess: It's a crossover!
[Jake looks at her in question]
Jess: It's a crossover SUV, and you can't have it.
Jake: I'm a cop, can you please get out of the car?
Jess: No, this Schmidt's mom's car, and I'm more scared of her than I am of some two-bit thug.
Jake: I'm not a thug, I'm police.
Jess: Okay, then name one law.
Jake: Don't kill people.
Jess: That's on me, I set the bar too low.
Jake: Look, can you please just get out?
Jess: Okay, you can drive, but I'm not getting out.
Jake: Right.
Jess: Also, I have the seat warmer on, I don't just have a really hot butt.

Raymond: [about his old partner] Dan Hammer.
Jake: That name is so cool, it doesn't need a nickname.
Raymond: Ah, but he had one. Snake Eyes.
Jake: Oh, Snake Eyes is a great one.
Raymond: Oh, yeah. He was the toughest son of a bitch I ever met. When he died, he stuck out his middle finger so he'd be flipping everyone off at his funeral.

Dotty: In my day, people respected police.
Jake: They respect us; they just have nowhere to go.
Dotty: God knows they won't go back to their own country.
Jake: Dotty, I really wish you weren't such a big part of my son's birth story.