The Best Doug Judy Quotes

Scully: I'd rather see butts.
Doug: Fine, if I let you see butts, will you convince the guys that Jake's not a cop?
Scully: How many butts are we talking?
Doug: Six.
Scully: Ten.
Doug: Seven.
Scully: Nine.
Doug: Fine, eight, I'll meet you in the middle.
Scully: Nah, you waited too long. Now it's up to 14.

Doug: Jake Peralta, do I have an earring?
Jake: Um, what?
Doug: You heard me. We've been in the car for three hours. You've known me for seven years. Do I have an earring?
Jake: Oh, no. I'm drawing a blank. I can kind of picture a diamond stud.
Doug: That'd be a good look.
Jake: Or maybe a gold cross or a little hoop.
Doug: I do have versatile ears.

Doug: Criminals? That's how you see us? Is it a crime to steal bread to feed your family? Or to sell some weed so you can buy video games? Or to steal video games, because you smoked all that weed you were supposed to sell?
Captain: Yes, all of those are crimes.
Doug: Damn, even the bread one?
Captain: Especially the bread one.

Doug: [to Jake] You trying to get your freak on with my sister?
Jake: What? No!
Doug: I see you looking at Trudy Judy's booty.
Jake: I am *not* looking at Trudy Judy's booty!
Doug: Oh, you don't think she's a cutie? Don't be snooty.
Jake: She's a beauty, but I'm on duty.
Terry: And you're married.
Jake: Well, yeah, but that doesn't rhyme.

Jake: I'm looking for your foster brother, George.
Doug: Hate the guy. Stole from my mom, burned our house down. Worst of all, he ran off with my LP of Phil Collins' "No Jacket Required." It's my favorite album. Haven't heard it in 20 years.
Jake: I mean, can't you just stream it?
Doug: Can't do that to Phil. "Sussudio" demands vinyl.
Jake: Right. Vinyl and whatnot.

Trudy: Wait, we destroyed your phone. How did you call for backup?
Jake: That was actually easy. When Doug was distracted, yelling at the concierge, I swapped out my waterlogged phone for his.
Doug: Damn, I would have noticed that if I wasn't trying to live in the moment and not look at my phone so much.

Doug: Sussudio demands vinyl.

Scully: Ooh, I hope my butts are back.
Doug: I do not like how butts have become your thing, Trudy. You used to love horses.
Scully: Horses have butts.

Doug: [while playing shuffleboard] Good to see you smile Jake. You were being a real tang in the butt.

Doug: I sold a guy a fake Pekinese. 'Twas a cat.
Captain: You will not win me over with your use of 'twas.
Doug: 'Twasn't trying to.

Doug: I got a new job. I sit behind white CEOs when they have to testify before Congress, so they don't look so racist. Every 15 minutes I just whisper some nonsense at 'em.

Doug: [Rapping] Doug and Jake rolling down the street...
Jake: PB and J, a tasty little treat...
Doug: Two cool dudes making sandals for your feet...
Jake: [Stops rapping] What?
Doug: I was going for the rhyme, but now I kind of feel like it's a good idea.
Jake: Love it!
[Continues to rap]
Jake: Making sandals that last is our ideology / Made real by our patented, strapless technology
[Stops rapping]
Jake: It's magnets.
Doug: Okay!
[Raps]
Doug: Yo, you can wear 'em on the beach...
Jake: Wear 'em on a hike...
Doug: Wear 'em on a Peloton exercise bike...
Doug: Doug and Jake, two best friends / With the premium, open-toed shoes for men! Rah!

Doug: Do you know who this is? This is Matt Daniel, the most popular male ASMR performer on Twitch.
Georgina: ASMR performer?
Doug: Someone who speaks real soft.
Trudy: [whispers] I also crinkle paper.
Doug: We're trying to stream and the noise on the eighth floor is unacceptable.
Trudy: [whispers] My fans can't hear my mouth sounds.
Georgina: I'm so sorry, I can't hear you.
Trudy: [whispers] That's the point, Georgina.
Doug: He says that's the point, Georgina.