50 Best Dragnet Quotes

Joe: Ah, sure, but just like every other foaming, rabid psycho in this city with a foolproof plan, you've forgotten you're facing the single finest fighting force ever assembled.
Reverend: The Israelis?

Captain: [after waking Capt. Gannon and briefing him in the middle of the night] Friday, do you have any idea what time it is?
Joe: Yes sir.
[looks at his watch]
Pep: Oh, don't ask him that, Captain.
Joe: It's 4:27am, sir.
Pep: He lives for that. It's in his blood.

Joe: [reading from notebook during high speed chase] "Reckless endangerment of human life, willful disregard of private property, failure to signal for a... "
Pep: Yeah, he's really raking up the violations, isn't he.
Joe: Not him, you. This is your one way ticket back to civilian life, Mr. I-Like-To-Throw-The-Book-Out-The-Window.
Pep: That's a good idea.
[throws book out the window]

Friday: Can you tell me how much a monthly run of your "magazine" is worth?
Jerry: Well, let's just thay it's more money than you'll ever thee in your life. And I do that every month.
Friday: At least my money is clean.
Jerry: Tell you what you can do, Friday, before you go home and thtart polithing your pennieth. Why don't you go out there and get my magathineth back on the thtandth where they belong?
Friday: Listen, hotshot. I'm gonna tell you something right now. I don't care for you or for the putrid sludge you're troweling out. But until they change the laws and put you sleaze kings out of business, my job is to help you get back your stench ridden boxes of smut. And since I'll be doing it holding my nose, I'll be doing it with one hand.

Pep: Are you crazy? Silvia Wiss wanted you!
Friday: Now let me tell you something, Streebeck. There are two things that clearly differentiate the human species from animals. One, we use cutlery. Two, we're capable of controlling our sexual urges. Now, you might be an exception, but don't drag me down into your private Hell.
Pep: You've got a lot of repressed feelings, don't you, Friday? Must be what keeps your hair up.

[Friday and Streebeck's squad car has just been blown up]
Joe: My hat was in that car.
Pep: Yeah, well I can tell you just who re-blocked it for you.

[Friday's car was stolen]
Friday: With the exception of you and canned cling peaches I'd be hard pressed to find anyone or anything that doesn't know you should never leave your car keys in the ignition.
Pep: It's called a mistake, Friday, but I don't suppose you ever make any of those, do you?
Captain: Friday, Streebeck, we got another one. Chemical train hijack down at the freight yards. Damn Pagans must be living on No-Doz!
Friday: Yessir, Captain. We'll roll as soon as we requisition a new...
Captain: Oh, one more thing. Police and fire departments all over the county have been reporting vehicles stolen. So keep an eye on your car!

Joe: Connie, I'd like you to meet my maternal grandmother Mrs. Grace Mundy. Granny, this is the virgin Connie Swail.
Granny: You're kidding.
Connie: Hi.

Pep: [to Friday] Can you swim?
Joe: Red Cross junior lifesaver with clusters, bub!
Pep: Silly me.

Pep: Oh Joe, you never had these feelings before, have you?
Joe: Almost. I had a kitten once.
Pep: Yeah, it's going to be a little different. Connie is not going to be sleeping in a box, or meowing all night, or clawing up your drapes. Or maybe she will. I mean, you're both kind of starting from scratch with this.

Sylvia: [pulls her top off] Do these look like the breasts of a forty year old woman?
Friday: No ma'am. They're quite impressive... bordering on spectacular.

Joe: [Friday addresses Whirley after he has entered a bathroom stall] Hold it right there, Whirley. Police officer, you're under arrest.
Reverend: I beg your pardon, what is this? Some kind of a feeble joke?
Joe: Oh, it's a real knee-slapper, friend, if you consider California Penal Code section 4A, 4207A, 597 and 217: Theft, Kidnapping, Cruelty to Animals, and Attempted Murder something to laugh about.
Reverend: [seated on the toilet with his pants around his ankles] I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about.
Joe: My partner and I witnessed that little torchlight picnic you threw last night, we're gonna put you where your kind always ends up - in a seven by seven foot grey-green metal cage in the fifteenth floor of some hundred-year-old penitentiary, with damp, stinking walls and a wooden plank for a bed. Sure, this city isn't perfect, we need a smut-free life for all of our citizens; cleaner streets, better schools, and a good hockey team. But the big difference between you and me, mister, is you made the promise, and I'm going to keep it.
[everyone applauds]

Friday: [Emil Muzz is in the drivers seat of the limo asleep. They approach showing their badges] Police officers. Emil Muzz?
[He doesn't respond, so Pep reaches in and blows the horn, and he wakes up]
Pep: We need to ask you a few questions, Emil.
Emil: Blow it out your pants, cop.
Friday: Oh, good Muzz. Give yourself a hard time.
[At that, Muzz, without taking his eyes off them, starts the limo, puts it in Drive, then burns rubber away, inadvertently running over Friday's feet]

Pep: You know, Muzz, you have the right to remain silent. If you give up the right to remain silent any thing you s-, you know these words, Muzz! C'mon, sing along!
[Rapping]
Pep: Anything-you-say can-and WILL be USED against-you IN a-court of LAW!

[after bursting into a suspected drug factory with a tank that ruptures all equipment in its path, sticks out tongue to identify liquid spraying in all directions]
Pep: I can't quite place it! It tastes like...
Joe: Milk. Just like the sign said before you obliterated it. Fresh wholesome milk.
Pep: You probably love this stuff.
Joe: Vitamin D, calcium, essential for good strong bones and healthy teeth. But that's all Greek to you, isn't it, Mr. Gingivitis?

Pep: [both looking at Connie Swail in Enid Borden's wedding dress] 2 to 1, that's Enid Borden's wedding dress.
Joe: 20 to 1 Enid Borden didn't look that good on her wedding day.

Narrator: On February 21, a trial was held in Superior Court in and for the County of Los Angeles. The Reverend Jonathan Whirley was found guilty on two counts of attempted murder, kidnapping, arson, obstruction of justice, and tampering with public utilities. He is presently in the men's correction facility at Chino, serving 43 consecutive life sentences, which makes him eligible for parole in seven years.

P.A.G.A.N. Ceremony Leader: For the final touch to our brew tonight... a pristine virgin in a gown of white. Evil bringeth here our plea, she's as pure as she can be! White and clean as driven snow, from Orange County, here we go!

[Friday is about to eat a chili dog]
Pep: You know the kinds of things that can fall into an industrial sausage press? Not excluding rodent hairs and... bug excrement?
[Friday gives a disgusted look]
Joe: I hate you, Streebeck.

Narrator: Your attention, please. The story you are about to see is true; the names have been changed to protect the innocent. For example: George Baker is now called "Sylvia Wiss. "

[Joe Friday arrives]
Pep: Thank God, it's Friday!

Friday: Look out. Muppets!

Joe: There's the limo from the mansion.
Pep: Yeah, and that's Emil Muzz.
Joe: Let's check Enid Bordon's description.
Pep: Well?
[Opens his notebook and reads from it]
Pep: Big, bad, stupid-looking.
Joe: An exact match.

Mrs. Gannon: [In their home, they're watching a movie together on TV. The phone between them rings, she picks up] Hello?
Pep: LA Police! Captain Gannon?
Mrs. Gannon: One second.
[Hands the phone to Captain Gannon]
Mrs. Gannon: It's work, Dear.
Captain: [Taking it] Thank you.
[Into phone]
Captain: Hello?
Pep: [Frantically] Captain Gannon, this is Streebek. I'm up at the Ceas...
Captain: [Suddenly outraged] Streebek?
Pep: Yes! I'm up at the Caeser Mansion and I'm surrounded by PAGANS! You need to send in reinforcements! They have a small ARMY UP HERE!

Joe: [about Reverend Jonathan Whirley] And he'd better tell me where Connie is or I'll shove that collar so far down his throat I'll have to take off his shoes to ring his neck!
Pep: Friday, listen to yourself! You're not thinking like a cop any more, you're thinking like a man in love!

Pep: This guy knows God personally, I hear they play racquetball together.
Joe: Well, just go ahead and chuckle away, mister. I don't hear God laughing.
Pep: You will, once he sees your haircut.

Pep: [as they're chasing Muzz, Friday grabs the CB mike] What are you doing?
Friday: Calling for backup!
Pep: Why?
Friday: Because there are specific procedures for high-speed pursuits, Mister, and we're going to follow every last one of them!
Pep: [Takes the mike from him and puts it back] Forget it, Friday! This is *our* collar!
Friday: *Our* collar, huh?
Pep: I think so!
Friday: Well, let me tell you something, Mr. Lone-Wolf, the proud men and women of the Los Angeles Police Department comprise of one big family! From my brother the traffic cop, to my sister the meter-maid! And when one of us makes a collar, we *all* make a collar!
[Goes to call, but Streebek quickly stops him]
Pep: Friday, are you on any kind of medications that, as your partner, I should be aware of?
Friday: [Speaks into mike] 2-King-14! 2-King-14! I am requesting a backup...
[Streebek snatches the mike out of his hand again, and they briefly fight over it]

Joe: [looking at a lion who's mane has been shaved into a mohawk] Somebody must have wanted that lion's mane pretty bad to pull a twisted stunt like that.
Pep: Although, as mohawks go it's not that bad. It'll grow back.
Joe: Yeah, and how do you tell that to these kids here who have never seen a lion before and now probably won't have the desire to ever see one again.
Pep: Kids, it'll grow back.
[kids cheer]

Enid: [Friday knocks on her door, she opens] What the hell do you want?
Joe: [as he and Streebek show their badges] Police officers, maam.
Enid: 'Bout time you pencil-dicks showed up. Why couldn't you have gotten here before that big bad stupid-looking piece of sewage breath stole my white wedding dress?
Joe: 'Sewage-breath' is your little nickname for?
Enid: Muzz. Emil Muzz.
Pep: [Looks at Friday] Not much of an improvement.

Joe: Ma'am, what is the approximate dry weight of the average Madagascan fruit tree bat?
Pep: You mean you don't know?

Pep: And if I may a toast... to Granny Mundy: may you live as long as you want but never want as long as you live.

Pep: [In the interrogation room, there's a close-up of a pack of cigarettes, a hand goes to grab them. It's Emil Muzz, and Friday shoves him back in his chair] Siddown, unless you're growing!
Pep: Look Muzz, we've got you on 87 violations of the motor vehicle code, it's only a matter of time before we tie you into one of those PAGAN jobs, not to mention that you stole your landlady's wedding dress which so far is the only endearing thing about you. So why don't you talk to us?
Emil: [after blowing a nasty spitball that splats right on Friday's face] Shove it, you pawn! My attorney is on his way, and we both know I'll be out of here in 20 minutes on bail. So take off these cuffs, and open the door!
Joe: I wouldn't worry about the door, Muzz. The kind of scum that would represent you would just ooze right under it.

Connie: Why is his so much bigger than yours?
Joe: Ma'am?
Connie: Your gun.
Joe: I've never needed more.

Joe: [Closing scene, narrating] Monday, January 12, 8:43 a.m. As for Streebek and me, we're back on day watch at Robbery-Homicide, where he still exhibits a blatant disregard for departmental procedure. But I am somehow managing to keep this in its proper perspective.
Lady: [as she drops him off] Goodbye, Pep. Will you be coming over later?
Pep: Yeah, I have to. I'm wearing your underwear.
Pep: [Turning to Friday] Late night last night, partner? I thought the Christian Science Reading Room closed at 10:00.
Joe: Not that it's any of your business, Mr. National Enquirer, but I had the pleasure of spending the evening in the company of Connie Swail.
Pep: Wait a minute. *Connie* Swail? Don't you mean "the virgin Connie Swail?"
[Friday stops, turns his head slowly and fixes Streebek with a knowing look and sly grin. Streebek is startled]

Captain: Frank won't be coming into work today Joe.
Friday: 24 hour virus?
Captain: Or tomorrow.
Friday: 48 hour?
Captain: Frank quit, moved to Ukiah, bought a goat farm...

[on a multi-lane highway, traffic all around is passing and sounding horns]
Pep: You know, uh, Friday, we're allowed to go 55... On some occasions, even faster.
Friday: I'm well aware of the federally mandated speed limit, Streebeck. But, did it ever occur to you that, by going eight miles an hour slower, we might save some gasoline and ease the burden on the poor taxpayers out there who pay our salaries?
Pep: Friday, a little extra gas isn't gonna put the city in hock; besides, this looks bad! Come on, live a little - it's the vertical pedal on the right.

Granny: Do join us, Detective Swayback.
Joe: Streebeck.
Pep: Pep.

Pep: You know, Friday, I think you and the Commissioner would make a cute couple. I like the way you both keep your jaws locked. Plus the two of you do share that same curious affection for hats.
Joe: May I remind you that only this morning Commissioner Kirkpatrick threatened to turn me into a... civilian?
Pep: Yeah, I know. There was was a gleam in her eye, though...

Joe: After losing the two previous vehicles we had been issued, the only car the department was willing to release to us at this point was an unmarked 1987 Yugo, a Yugoslavian import donated to the department as a test vehicle by the government of that country and reflecting the cutting edge of Serbo-Croatian technology.

Joe: Alright, let's run through it again. You say you're a PAGAN, but we caught you working for Jerry Caeser. That makes you a plant in my book. Why don't you just make it easy on yourself and lead us to the stolen magazines?
Emil: [Giving the finger to Friday] Jump on this and spin, cop! I'm not saying another word until my attorney gets here!
Pep: Say, Joe, wouldn't a couple of danishes go great with this coffee right now?
[opens the drawer he used on Muzz earlier, fixes Muzz with a knowing look, and Muzz looks horrified]

Pep: [He's sitting in a car being towed in by a wrecker, the door falls completely off and he steps out, dressed like a homeless bum] Sergeant Friday?
Joe: Who want's to know?
Pep: [Shows his badge pinned to the inside of his jacket] I'm Pep Streebek, your new partner.
Joe: Not looking like *that*, you aren't, mister.
Pep: [Scoffs] Oh really? What's that supposed to mean?
Joe: It *means* I don't care what undercover rock you crawled out from, there's a dress code for detectives in Robbery-Homicide. Section 3-605.10, .20, .22, .24, .26, .50, .70, and .80. It specifies: clean shirt, short hair, tie, pressed trousers, sports jacket or suit, and leather shoes, preferably with a high shine on them.

Pep: [while interrogating Muzz and getting no-where] Joe, I could use some coffee
[turns to Muzz]
Pep: You want anything?
Emil: [defiantly] Chewing gum... Snickers bar... and my attorney, badge kisser!
Pep: [Friday leaves Muzz alone with Streebeck] Well... it's just you... and me... *your balls*...
[pulls open a desk drawer]
Pep: and this drawer!
[slams it shut]

Caesar: Oh, thank God, vibrator repair!
Friday: No, ma'am, LAPD. Sorry.

Enid: The magazines and papers were his down in the trash. No cheques or money, I looked. I should have thrown it all in the river the day he left but unlike some people I have a heart, goddamnit, the miserable little bag of puke.
Joe: I think we're finished here, don't you Detective Streebeck?

[Streebek hands over a broken phone to Friday]
Pep: It's for you. It's the president.

Pep: [Friday is driving, speeding to the airport to rescue Connie] Be careful. This is a dangerous road.
Joe: When are you worried about my driving, Mr. l-Like-Life-In-The-Fast-Lane?
Pep: You just flew through a stop sign!
Joe: It felt good.
Pep: Look out for that bump! Don't you remember those films they showed us in high school? Red Asphalt. Blood on the Highway.
Joe: You picked two of my favorites.
Pep: [Returning to the driving scene] Come on, Joe. Slow down! What happened to those regulations on high-speed pursuits? I thought you were safety-conscious.
Joe: Close your eyes and think of Christmas.
Pep: Think of Christmas? Good King Wenceslaus looked out on the feast of Stephen. And the snow lay round about, deep and crisp and even. Brightly shone the moon that night, though the frost was cruel. When the poor man came in sight...
Joe: Try Silent Night.

Chemical: Basically, it burns the eyes, lungs and throat, causes vomiting and if continuously inhaled, death.
Pep: [to Friday] Oh, sort of like your aftershave.

Joe: "Prepare the virgin"? I don't like the sound of that.
Pep: Let's just hope they're not referring to you.

[reading from huge lit up sign]
Joe: People... Against... Goodness... And... Normalcy. P, A, G, A, N. P.A.G.A.N.!
Pep: Nice work, Joe.

Pep: Well, what a pleasant surprise... Grannie Friday...
Friday: Not that it's any of your business, she's my maternal grandmother, her name is Mundy.