The Best The Office, Season 7, Episode 9 Quotes

Dwight: The petting zoo closes at 2, and the goat roast is at 3.

Girl: I found the needle in the haystack!
Dwight: Hey, congratulations. You know what your prize is?
Girl: I don't know.
Dwight: Nothing. Life lesson - some tasks are not worth doing.

Dwight: [Deleted scene; reading poem] Mother Earth by Dwight Kurt Schrute. The water runs, the Sun will glint, this is our environment. The Hay King steps upon the ground. He wields a giant man-sword 'round. He penetrates Mother Earth once, twice, again and again and again and again for all he's worth Pounding into her soft warm dirt. Her lips quivering, mounds shaking in ecstasy and sudden relief. Thank you.

- But sometimes twos can be wild, so watch out.
- And I am obviously the joker, so...
- Thafs_.
- Automated voice: Wuphf from
- Ryan Howard. Decided to sell company.
- Thanks, bro. Hell of a ride.
- Thank god.

Darryl: Consider it a wuphf in person.
Andy: You're doing the wrong thing. You're going to lose Michael's investment, you're going to lose ours.
Darryl: You got this crazy opportunity to get our money back! Tell Mike to sell!
Andy: If you tell Michael to sell, he'll sell.
Ryan: I'm betting on myself.
Stanley: It's a bad bet.
Michael: Hello.
Ryan: Hey. It's an ambush here. Nobody here believes in this company. Will you tell them they are wrong?
Darryl: It's not that we don't believe in the company, we don't believe in you.
Andy: All in those in favor of selling, say aye.
[the four investors say aye]
Michael: I... do not agree to see, which is to say nay.
Darryl: What is wrong with you? What happened to you in high school?
Stanley: Michael, are you that blind?
Michael: I'm not blind! I know exactly who he is. He is selfish and lazy and image-obsessed, and he is a bad friend. And he's also clever. And he shoots incredibly high, and he may just make it. But you know what? Even if he doesn't, I would rather go broke betting on my people, than get rich all by myself, on some island like a castaway. And there is no middle ground.
Andy: You're gonna lose all of our money.
Michael: Only if he fails. And you know what? Ryan, I believe in you. Just like I believe in all of you. You have nine days to save everybody's money.
Ryan: Oh... Uh, That's a lot of pressure. I'm gonna need some more time.
Michael: You can't have it.
Ryan: Okay. I won't let you down.

Michael: Excuse me, everyone. SEX! Now that I have your attention...
Stanley: You don't have our attention.
Michael: MONEY!
Stanley: I'm listening.
Kevin: You had me at sex.
Michael: Pervert.
Phyllis: You have all of our attentions just by screaming anything.
Michael: That's good to know. AAAAH!
Pam: What do you want to say, Michael?
Michael: Wuphf!

Gabe: [Last lines] Gabe Lewis.
Jo: [Edited audio by Jim Halpert plays] Now, listen here, Gabe. You're too fat. No one's gonna like you if you're too fat. I made some changes to my book. See if you like them.
Gabe: Well, Jo...
Jo: Now, I love reading and I hate being interrupted. Shut up and listen, you gay bastard. Chapter One: I was born, not into luxury, nor poverty.
[Gabe looks through the book book]
Jo: But into adversity, and for that, I thank the Lord. My father was a man. That's all we can know. After I learned to ride a bike, there was no stopping me. I would ride up Magnolia Street and down Azalea Lane. Which would later become my...
Jim: [Jim comes into Gabe's office] All right, good night, Gabe. Just wanted to say thanks again. 'Cause I really think I made good use of my day, oh! Sorry.
Jo: I've always been a fighter. And Fate has obliged me with plenty of battles, the first being a hard...

Jo: [Audio from audiobook CD] The moment Darla put the cupcake in her mouth, her daddy pulled aside her and said you're too fat. No one's gonna like you if you're too fat.
[Jim skips to another part of the book]
Jo: The next time I saw David Geffen at the Buffalo Club, I love you, you gay bastard, I said.
[Jim picks out the audio clip of gay bastard so he can make it sound like Gabe]

Darryl: Is it any particular branch of Washington University?
Ryan: The Washington University Public Health Fund.
Darryl: W - U - P - H - F.
Pam: Oh God.
Darryl: They only want it for the initials.
Ryan: The domain name, yeah, they do.

Dwight: Did I truck three hundred bales of hay to a parking lot to rectify some childhood disappointment? Yes.

Michael: The world sends people your way. Ryan came to me through a temp agency. Andy was transferred here. No idea where Creed came from. The point is, you just have to play with the cards that you're dealt. Jim, that guy is an Ace. Dwight is my King up my sleeve. Phyllis is my Old Maid. Oscar is my Queen. That's easy. Give me a hard one. That's what Oscar said. Toby is the Instruction Card you throw away, Pam is a solid 7, and you know, Ryan is probably like a 2. Sometimes 2s can be wild, so watch out. And I'm obviously the Joker. So...
[He hears noises from the phone and fax machine]
Michael: That's, uh...
FAX: Wuphf from Ryan Howard: Decided to sell company. Thanks, bro. Hell of a ride.
Michael: Thank God.

Dwight: [the power shut off; cold opening] Uh-oh. Ok, ok, nobody panic! Listen up, listen up!
[Dwight uses a flashlight close to his face]
Dwight: Everyone, follow me to the shelter. We've got enough food for fourteen days. After that, we have a difficult conversation.
Michael: [the power went back on] My bad. Space Heater and Fan were both on high, plugged into the same outlet. So...
Jim: Um... it's saying the server went down? Does anybody know that password? 'Cause otherwise, we can't do any work.
Michael: Uh... try password.
Jim: Nope.
Dwight: Try 000000.
Jim: No.
Dwight: Okay, now try 000001.
Jim: Okay, I'm not doing every number.
Pam: Wait, um, does anyone remember when it was set up?
Michael: Uh... it was like, eight years ago?
Pam: Lord of the Rings stuff? I don't know, I'm just trying to think of things that were happening at the time.
Erin: Everyone was getting their driver's license.
Jim: Why don't we just call the IT guy who set it up? What's the name of the guy in glasses again?
Michael: Okay, moving backwards our IT guys have been... Glasses, Turban, Earhair, Fatty 3, Shorts, Fatty 2, Lozenge and Fatso. I think Lozenge was the one who installed it.
Andy: I got it. Try, um...
[Andy coughs]
Michael: You know what? It made me laugh but Pam got really offended.
Kevin: Big boobs.
Meredith: Drama queen?
Angela: Nosy?
Pam: You're typing big boobs?
Jim: I'm trying everything.
Dwight: Try big boobs with a z.
Jim: That's...
[the password got accepted]
Jim: the password. We're in.
[the crew cheered]
Michael: The important thing is, this kept us secure, people.

- Oh, that's a lot of pressure.
- I'm gonna need some more time.
- You can't have it.
- Okay.
- I won't let you down.
- Angela? Angela!

Ryan: Hey, I'm Wuphf.
Michael: I'm Facebook.
Ryan: What's up, Facebook?
Michael: I sent you a Facebook message yesterday, I still haven't heard anything back.
Ryan: You should have sent me a Wuphf.
Michael: A what?
Ryan: When you send a Wuphf, it goes to your home phone, cell phone, email, Facebook, Twitter and home-screen, all at the same time. Wuphf!
Michael: Wuphf.com!

Jim: I am on the first hot sales streak of my life. I think it all comes from feeding Cece, because no matter how much she resists, I sell her those carrots. Let's be honest, if I can make mooshed carrots seem better than a boob, I can sell anything.

Jim: Oh, nice, wasting time, here we go.
Meredith: Hey, back off. It's Solitaire.
Creed: Hey, kid. Hear you're looking for work.
Jim: Talk to me.
Creed: How far can you reach those lovely, long arms of yours?
[Jim stretches his arms]
Creed: Eh, put 'em down. How long can you hold that pretty little breath of yours?
[Jim holds his breath]
Creed: Good.
Gabe: Hey, Jim? Are you distracting these people?
Creed: We're working.
Gabe: Can you at least try to look busy?

Stanley: Yes, I have a dream, and it's not some MLK dream for equality. I want to own a decommissioned lighthouse. And I want to live at the top. And nobody knows I live there. And there's a button that I can press, and launch that lighthouse into space.

- I'm trying everything.
- Try "big boobs" with a "."Z that's the password. We're in.
Dwight: All right. Wow.
Dwight: Yes.
- The important thing is this kept us secure, people.

- Okay, now I've tried everything.
- Did you prank Dwight? No.
- Well, you like that.
- Yeah, it's not as fun if
- I'm not blowing off work.
- I love you, but I'm kind of busy, so I need you to figure this one out on your own.

Dwight: Every fall growing up, my Uncle Eldred used to build a maze out of hay bales for us kids to play in. We called it Hay Place. Eldred called it Hay World, eventually lawyers were brought in. That's all behind us. Hay Place lives on!

Toby: [Deleted scene] When Ryan came here, uh, you really idealized him.
Michael: No, just the opposite. I thought he was the coolest kid I ever saw.