The Best The Office, Season 8, Episode 13 Quotes

Dwight: Angela, this child is definitely mine. It looks just like me.
Angela: Every baby looks just like you. Your face kind of looks like a baby.

Dwight: Remember, you said that Robert was not fulfilling you. And then I said that I could fulfill you. And you said, "I'd like to see you try." And then I kissed you with the force of a thousand waterfalls.

Phyllis: Jim, just go.
- Hey, we'll be just fine.
- Thanks, guys.
- All right, here we go. Let's go.
Andy: Oh! [Sighing]
- Phew!

Oscar: Don't you want to see the baby?
Dwight: Psh! Why? I know what Angela and the senator look like. I can mash that up in my head right now.

[first lines]
Andy: Val, I need the space.
Val: Alright guys, clear out.
Andy: Everybody out.
Val: Promise me you're going to clean up.
Andy: I can't promise what I'm going to do or not do.
Val: Promise me that...
Andy: Obviously I'm going to clean up.

Dwight: [yelling at Jim] I am making a citizen's arrest. You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to beg for mercy. You have the right to request judgment by combat. Dwight's rights.

Dwight: That baby is a Schrute. And unless somebody taught Mose sex, that baby is mine.

Erin: Ah! Angela had the baby!

Phyllis: I'm sorry. Do you have any American Mexican food?

- Covered it up.
- Are you sure you can keep this under wraps?
- They used to call me king tut, because I'm so good at keeping things under wraps.
- My nickname was actually king butt, because I had a king-sized butt.

Jim: [deleted scene] All right, guys. You know how we all like the red licorice but it's always buried behind, like, a ton of black licorice? Bought it all. Now it's like red city in there, so enjoy it.
Phyllis: Money bags. Must be nice.
Andy: So you effectively spent, what, four dollars on the entire office?
Jim: I can't get a handle on it. Am I cheap or rich? I can't...
Andy: You're nothing. When I think about all the gas money I spent on you. Washing my car to make sure you looked good.
Jim: Well, enjoy the red licorice. And good riddance, right?
Darryl: Whoa, whoa, whoa. So you just gonna throw away perfectly good food?
Jim: It's not really food, right?
Creed: I'm really hating this Jim guy!
Jim: Okay, okay, okay.
Stanley: I know what you can do, Jim. Take those black licorice, then go get some of those red licorice. Take them in your hand, roll 'em up real tight...
Jim: And shove it up my butt!
Stanley: Damn it, Jim! You stole my afternoons, now you stole my line! It's not shove it up your butt, it's I'll kill you! I'll kill you dead!
Darryl: Eat it.
Jim: I'm not gonna eat it.
Darryl: Eat... it.
Jim: I'm not going to...
Stanley: EAT IT!

- Obviously,
- I'm going to clean up.
- Stress is like the uptight mayor of a town who's saying,
- "hey, we're uptight.
- You can't dance."
- And then, you have to be like, "oh, yeah, mayor stress? Well, watch this."
- And then, we dance.
- Oh, how we dance.

- It's not... [Door opening]
- All done? Yes.
- Yes. He's sleeping.
- Before I go, may I?
- Sure.
- Watch the head. Watch the head.

Dwight: [talking to the baby] Oh, yes. Oh, what a beautiful child. Prominent forehead, short arms, tiny nose. You will lead millions... willingly or as slaves.