The Best The Sopranos, Season 5, Episode 9 Quotes

- I'm fucking exhausted,
- I hardly slept at all last night.
- So take a nap.
- What are you worried about?

Tony: So, I solved a major problem business-wise. I put a very good piece of man power to work: my cousin Tony
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You mentioned how close you two were
Tony: You know when we were kids they used to call me "Tony Uncle Johnny" and call him "Tony Uncle Al."
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Right yes you've told me all that
Tony: Anyways his a very smart guy, his got an IQ of 158
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you put a lot of stock into that number?
Tony: Why? Are you going to tell me its bullshit? Because I took that test and if someone gets a 158, they know a few things
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So we can assume his smarter than you
Tony: Honestly I think his smarter than you because of the way you keep shitting on the test. I was having second thoughts myself but this was a good move. Carmella and I slept together.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What was that like?
Tony: It was nice, very erotic, she's been using that perfume that she wears. The poor thing was starving for it honestly. I'm the only man she's ever been with.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Did you discuss it?
Tony: No I left before she work up
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: How come?
Tony: Because if I was still there when she woke up, it'd send "mixed signals" you know
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Before Tony's cell phone rings] I'm not sure that's the best...
Tony: [Answers the call, over the phone] no tell him I got fax machines out my ass

- He's dropping a.J. Off later.
- This is the last thing
- I need to get into right now.
- Oh, please, he never had it so good.
- Well, that's him.
- You two should talk. Let me just pee.
- Okay.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You're entitled to shit!

Carmela: You have options. I have a lawyer.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So, Finn, you got any plans for the summer? Going back to Mission Viejo to surf or whatever?
Finn: Actually, I'm hoping to stay here in the city
Meadow: [to AJ] How's summer school going?
A.J. Soprano: Sucks
Finn: I did summer school once: you can still have fun
Meadow: [to Finn] At casa de Carmela, his looking at a maximum security summer
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Meadow, after Finn leaves for the restroom] Why don't you cut your mother a break? For the record, she's the one holding this family through this current situation and all
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to the waiter] Can we get the check, please?
Waiter: [referring to Finn] The young man took care of it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Finn when he returns] You paid the check?
Finn: I figured since your always so generous, I thought I'd reciprocate
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You're lucky you don't get your head handed to you
Meadow: Dad...
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Let's get something straight: you eat, I pay
Finn: Mr. Soprano...
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No, when you have your own family, you pay
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to AJ After putting money on the table] Let's go
Meadow: [to Finn] Just take the money

- So was your father in a rush now or something?
- I don't know. He said he was tired.
- To give you this and a kiss on the cheek.
- Thank god. It's the last thing I needed was to talk to him.

Carmela: You have options. I have an attorney.

Little: So, Patsy, with the necklace, how'd it go with the comare?
Patsy: Beautiful with the little emeralds: she fuckin loved it
Eugene: First, he gave her the emeralds, then he gave her the "pearls"
Little: I got Ebel Watches too, earrings, whatever you need
Benny: My girl's birthday is coming up
Patsy: Some rack on that girl
Little: [jokingly] Yeah, if you can get past the sideburns
Eugene: [after everyone chuckles, to Little Paulie] You should talk: that skank I saw you with, this girl's fuckin mustache, it must've been like kissing a fireman
Little: [while speaking in the stereotypical homosexual male lisp] Well, you ought to know sweety
Eugene: [irritated] What'd you say?
Little: nothing, what? We're just breaking balls

- Fine, no problem.
- But the most I ever did, though, is, like, help my dad paint.
- He said you don't need experience.
- You'll be a laborer or something.
- Pays like 20 bucks an hour.
- Holy shit.
- How is that even possible?

- What's that got to do with it?
- Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, the lord bless him and keep him.
- The lord make his face to shine upon him.
- The lord lift up his countenance upon him and give him peace.
- In the name of the father, the son, the holy spirit. Amen.
- Amen.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: To what do I owe this pleasure?
Carmela: I don't know if you'll see it that way I asked you to lunch to tell you I'm filing for divorce
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: That's nice, you invite me to a public place so you can ambush me? So you think I won't make a scene?
Carmela: Spare me your outrage accept the fact that I'm moving on with my life
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Moving on? That's what you were doing after the party last week?
Carmela: You and I both know that didn't change anything
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: First of all we're Italian, we don't believe in divorce, we believe in the nuclear family
Carmela: Despite your best efforts I have attorney who is going to aggressively pursue my custody of AJ and an equitable distribution of our assets
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Our assets?
Carmela: I am through in trying to get you to provide beyond the minimum for me to live
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So it's all fucking money? That's all this is to you?
Carmela: After all we've been through is it so hard to own up to that bullshit tax return?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You want money? What about the forty grand you stole from the bird feeder? You're such an investment genius
Carmela: You want this to get ugly? Because these guys live for that
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: And you think I don't? The only reason you have anything is because of my fucking sweat you knew every step of the way where the money comes from, you walk around in that mansion in your five hundred dollar shoes and diamond rings and you act like butter wouldn't melt in your mouth, you don't want it to get ugly? Too late
Carmela: I want what I'm entitled to

Finn: [Working at the EsplanadeI no-work job site] I should get back, Ramos'll be on my ass.
Vito: Would you forget about Ramos, for Christ's sakes? I talked to him. Have a seat. We got the good doughnuts today!

- It's so simple for you, isn't it?
- It's simple for everybody who isn't expecting things to be handed to them.
- Even Finn got a job working construction.
- Well, good for Finn, then.
- There are options in life.
- Isn't that what you always told me?
- You have options.
- I have a lawyer.

- Your whole attitude in general.
- And while we're at it, kindly remember what we said about interrupting...
- To ask for things while I'm on the telephone.
- Okay, mom.
- Hello?
- It's me.
- Hi, what's up?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Alright just relax, focus on your breathing, slowly
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It's not that I just...
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: No, please focus. I've got my medical bag in case
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I had a fight with my mother and had a fuckin panic attack
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Ok forget that for now
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Carmella was supposed to come over with some fuckin yarn for booties she was making for Meadow. She was late, oh why the fuck go into it?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Close your eyes, focus on your breathing
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: She was carrying on and I say to her "Carmella loves you, you've got to understand she's got a three month old," she kept going on and I started screaming at her so I left. I went over to the car then boom and cut my fuckin head open
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: And your cousin doesn't know this?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No I lied. What am I going to tell them? I had a fight with my mother and fainted? That's why I missed the job. Jesus fuckin Christ!
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: That's a lot to get off your chest
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I thought I was smart and that's why I bumped him up to protect him, it turns out I'm just a robot to my own pussy-ass weakness
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: His also a capable person
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know sometimes what happens in here is like taking a shit.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Yes. Ok. Although I prefer to think of it as childbirth.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Trust me. It's like taking a shit.

- So I called another accountant.
- And?
- Frankly, when he heard your husband was the defendant...
- He demurred as well.
- So, what does this mean, you don't want the case?
- Well, as my partners reminded me,
- I do have a full caseload already.
- I probably should've mentioned...

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: And you were feeling so positive
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It "flushed" over me
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You are dissolving a twenty year marriage
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It's not my mother fuckin God damn marriage ok? I had another panic attack and I thought I had this shit beat
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What happened?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I was playing golf with a friend of mine. He was talking about this young guy who passed away. I guess I became overcome with emotion because they had to help me off the tee. It's not the first time it's happened recently.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I wish you had told me
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well, I wished you cured it
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: When the attacks first reappeared, what was going on in your life?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You'd just reap off my affections
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: When you actually passed out, were you thinking about me?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: My cousin moved into my house and the cleaning girl was crying on the phone about her cousin went off the road in some Mexican bus wreck or something and I remember feeling inside on how I wanted to fuckin choke her because it was always something going on with her, then the next thing boom!
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Your cousin was at your house?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: "Tony uncle" whatever
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Correcting her] Uncle Al
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: And your maid was crying about her cousin?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: The other day at the golf course my cousin came into my head too
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: In what way?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: He hurt his foot
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You were so concerned about your cousin's foot you collapsed on the golf course? His a grown man isn't he? Is he in danger of losing his foot?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Fuck his foot, it's not the foot, forget the foot. I worry about him, his right out of jail ok? Look, the reason he went to jail is because he got pinched hijacking a truck of TV's in 1996 and they hooked him on a RICO and he got 17 years and I was supposed to be there the night of the hijacking
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I see
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh, you see
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Why didn't you go?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I got jumped by a bunch of Moulinyans, they were trying to take my shoes and I fought them off. They fuckin cut my head open, the fuckin jiggaboo cock suckin mother fuckers...
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Interrupts him] ok forget that, and your cousin went to prison, that's tremendous guilt to carry
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Referring to the military classification that is given to someone trying to join the military indicating that person is not acceptable for service because of medical reasons] If he went to Nam, I was 4-F and that's how our friends look at it
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: And that's why you favored tony Uncle Al
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know in 17 years I did so good, he lost his wife, and his daughter
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: No wonder why your having anxiety attacks
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Maybe if you came clean with him...
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Before beginning to breathe deeply, nods] yeah well
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You ok?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah, go on with what you were saying
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Are you having an attack now?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No, I had a huge lunch that's all, it's gas
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What is it Anthony?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Alright, the night he got pinched I had a fuckin panic attack from my mother God damn it. I didn't know what it was then

- How can you sleep when we're in the middle of this?
- In the middle of what? All I said was
- I didn't wanna go back to the job site...
- And maybe I should go home until this thing with vito blows over.
- But you didn't ask me to come.
- You went right to the closet and got out your suitcase.
- Jesus Christ!

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Talking privately in a limousine] maybe I'm wrong but you haven't been yourself since the old man died. Lorraine Calluzzo, and you sank this idiot's boat. That's not the Johnny Sack I know
Johnny: I'm waiting for your explanation
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: My cousin could not have been in the city that night because he was with me. We were looking for his daughter because she fuckin disappeared. We were upstate: Monticello. We heard Kelly was living with some crack head up there. As a matter of fact we were going to reach out to you. See if you can get some of your people on it
Johnny: I swear on my mother if I find out your lying...
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Interrupts him] I'm sitting here humbling my friendship out to you

- Oh, yeah, those two guys.
- Need to rest? You want some water?
- You sure?
- Eugene pontecorvo? He's so sweet.
- Sweet? He was like an animal.
- Are you gonna eat?
- I'm not hungry. It's too hot anyway.
- I told you I was making dinner tonight.

- I did summer school once.
- You can still have fun.
- At casa carmela? He's looking at maximum-security summer.
- Excuse me a minute.
- Why don't you cut your mother a break.
- For the record...
- She's holding this family together under this current situation and all.
- Can we get the check, please?
- The young man took care of it.

- You don't think you keep mentioning him every 24 hours at a minimum?
- Because he's thinking of becoming an oral surgeon.
- And you might've had a new friend...
- If you hadn't been so obnoxious to him at the club!
- Can we just stop fighting?
- You got out a suitcase!
- I'll put it back, okay?

- Dale just told us he figured out the rest of his life.
- You still thinking CIA?
- Yeah, fight terror.
- No, I'm gonna go to film school.
- Me too.

Carmela: [referring to having sex with Tony after her father's seventy fifth birthday party] Then he fell asleep right after. He did call me late the next morning: he sent flowers, but other than that, I haven't heard from him all week
Gabriella: What'd he say?
Carmela: That it was "nice", he was very sweet actually
Gabriella: So, you think what happened at the party was an overture that he wants to get back together?
Carmela: I don't know, maybe? His dropping AJ off later, this is the last thing I need to get into right now
Gabriella: Please, he never had it so good
Carmela: [after hearing him pull into their driveway] That's him
Gabriella: You two should talk, let me just pee

Johnny: [During Joey Peeps' Funeral] you remember Mickey Farrell, the dock worker who used to run Port Newark? Guess who he saw on the Upper West Side? Your fuckin cousin Tony
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What does that mean?
Johnny: The same night Joey bought it?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Did your the Maserati hit your head?
Johnny: Two faced fuck
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Referring to Little Carmine] take it easy. You want to yell at someone? The man you ought to yell at right over there
Johnny: Fuckin cock sucker. I should kill him, his fuckin wife, and your cousin next
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Let's take a walk, calm down, come on
Johnny: [Referring to Little Carmine] the fuckin gall on that man. His father must be spinning
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You want my advice? You go out there, shake his hand, and put this fuckin shit to bed
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Shake his hand? And he kisses the kid's mother?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: That's the way it works. You know that
Johnny: Sure, that's why your cousin's here
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You are sincerely mistaken if you think me or my cousin had anything to do with this shit
Johnny: He was spotted three blocks away
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: By Mickey Farrell, your going to believe some drunken fuckin Irish prick over me?

- Little carmine knew how fond I was of this kid, Tony.
- I picked him out of the chorus.
- Schooled him those years he was my driver.
- Anything from your cop?
- Some homeless fuck saw a guy limping away.
- And then he wasn't sure.

- We were upstate, monticello.
- We'd heard Kelly had been living with some fucking crackhead up there.
- Matter of fact, we were gonna reach out to you.
- See if you could get some of your people on her.
- I swear on my mother, Tony, if I find out you're lying...
- I'm sitting here humbling myself out of friendship to you, John.

- He don't know. It's an opinion.
- To tell you the truth, after the other day,
- I really don't wanna say the wrong thing.
- You see? This kid's all right.
- I should get back.
- Ramos will be on my ass.
- Would you forget about ramos, for Christ sakes. I talked to him.
- We got the good doughnuts today.

- You're lucky you don't get your head handed to you.
- Dad.
- Let's get this straight: You eat. I pay.
- Mr. Soprano...
- No, when you have your own family...
- You pay.
- Let's go.
- Just take the money.

- At this point, it doesn't even pay to go home.
- Maybe I'll just crash at work.
- Felicia told me where she keeps a key to the trailer.
- Felicia told him.
- Be careful driving.
- All right. I'll see you tonight.
- Later.
- Bye.

- You okay?
- You know, sometimes what happens in here is like taking a shit.
- Yes, okay.
- Although I prefer to think of it more like childbirth.
- Trust me...
- It's like taking a shit.

- Two tickets to see your padres take a beating from the yanks tonight.
- Shit.
- Third-base line. Plus, it's bat night.
- That's really nice, vito, but I...
- Don't know if I can...
- Don't pull that "aw, shucks" shit with me. You're fucking going.
- I'll see you under the bat tonight.
- Seven sharp.
- And I don't like to miss the national anthem.

- You know who he looks like?
- That guy from aerosmith, Joe Perry.
- Your boss inside?
- Yeah.
- All right. I'll see youse around.
- All right.
- He seems like a nice guy.
- Yeah. They all are, pretty much.
- So you dating anybody now?

Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: the point I'm illustrate is that of course no one wants "all out" conflict but historically, historical changes have come out of war
Rusty: as far as I'm concerned, it's a "new day", all those treaties and the way of doing things are null and void
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: exactly
Angelo: and the Joe Peeps "thing"? Where does that leave us?
Rusty: if you've had a quadruple bypass like I did, it gives you a lot of time to think: the only thing Johnny understands is force
Angelo: but the fact is though, we pissed on a bee's nest
Dale: so, what's the other option, roll over?
Angelo: we could've had a sit down, not the captains maybe?
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: this isn't the UN, Angelo, I won't let what happened to my father happen to me
Rusty: God forgive me but you may be a stronger man than your dad was?
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: the fundamental question is: will I be effective as a boss as my dad was? And I will be, even more so but until I am, it's gonna be hard to verify that I'll be more effective

- Johnny's taking care of the internment, that shit there.
- I'm thinking we should pick up the headstone.
- Jason, get into it.
- I'll call the marble guy.
- What's up, guys?
- Frankie.
- Frankie.
- Talk to you outside?
- Give me two.

- He was spotted three blocks away.
- By Mickey Farrell.
- You're gonna believe some drunken Irish fucking prick over me?
- Have a drink.
- I don't want a fucking drink.
- Have one anyway.
- So how's your daughter doing?
- Good.

Tony: [Talking privately] what's up?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Turns out somebody got a look at the guy who did Joe Peeps. All they got so far is that his got a bad limp.
Tony: Huh. Long John Silver maybe.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Where the fuck do you get the balls? I am bending over backwards trying to stay neutral, paying for fuckin car seats and your out there acting like a fuckin free agent. Don't look at me like I'm a fuckin jerk off. because I'm sick of you leaning on this cousin thing and that bad hijack like you could do whatever the fuck it is you want to do because you went away that night I didn't
Tony: Your the one who keeps bringing that up. I'm fine with it. First of all, for the record: I had nothing to do with this
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Don't fuckin lie to me
Tony: Even if I was would you really want to know? That'd just be another problem with you and Johnny right?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Alright look I know your not earning what your expecting. And you got the twins and Nancy. Your a capable guy. Your mother let it slip one time. you got an IQ of one fifty-eight
Tony: She told you that?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It was the week you got tested, all the fuckin nuns were raving about it
Tony: A lot of good it did me
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I had hopes when you got out
Tony: Yeah?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Guy like you: brains, balls. If you fuckin be straight with me I could use all that
Tony: "Put me in coach"
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Alright we got the casino over on Bloomfield Avenue above the hardware store. Carlo's guy was running it but he just got diagnosed with the Hodgkin
Tony: That's mine?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah, a lot of fuckin money there. I'll see what I can do about you getting "straightened out." Opening up the books for you. Long overdue

Meadow: Eugene Pontecorvo? His so sweet
Finn: Sweet? He was like an animal
Meadow: Are you going to eat?
Finn: I'm not hungry, it's too hot anyway
Meadow: I told you I was making dinner tonight
Finn: [after eating a bite] It's really good Chili. You should've seen these guys. They were laughing, it was fuckin sick. I mean is this what you grew up with?
Meadow: What're you talking about?
Finn: These people. Your dad's friends
Meadow: I never saw one bit of violence growing up
Finn: What about your dad's road rage? And didn't you tell me you had a boyfriend shot to death or something?
Meadow: First of all, he was killed by drug dealers. African Americans if it makes you feel any better. You know, you talk about these guys like it's an anthropology class, the truth is they bring certain modes of conflict resolution all the way back from the old country

- You flip your Maserati, hit your head?
- You two-faced fuck!
- Take it easy.
- You wanna yell at somebody, the man you should talk to is right over there.
- That fucking cocksucker.
- I should fucking kill him and his fucking wife and your cousin next.
- All right, come on.
- Let's take a walk, calm down. Come on.

Vito: [to Finn after he exits the Porta Potty] hey, you sound like race horse pissing in there
Finn: Hey, how's it going?
Vito: You know I never asked what your last name is
Finn: it's DeTrolio
Vito: Finn DeTrolio: my arch nemeses, been enjoying yourself here?
Finn: It's alright
Vito: I keep telling you shouldn't work so hard, long hours, this fuckin heat, plus you came in so early today
Finn: I just do what the job is
Vito: That's good, your strong, that helps. You know you can call me Vito
Finn: I know
Vito: So say it let me hear you say "What's up Vito?"
Finn: What's up Vito?
Vito: Not much, except I got a little surprise for you: two tickets to see the Padres take a beating from the Yankees tonight, third base line plus its bat night
Finn: That's really nice Vito but I don't think I can...
Vito: [Interrupts him] don't give me that aw shucks with me, your fuckin going. See you under The Bat, seven sharp and I don't like to miss the National Anthem