The Best The Office, Season 3, Episode 19 Quotes

Darryl: We do safety training every year or after an accident. We've never made it a full year. This particular time, I was reaching for a supply box on the top shelf, when one office worker, who shall remain nameless, kicked the ladder out from under me and yelled...
[cut to Michael]
Michael: [laughing hysterically] Hey, Darryl, how's it hanging?

Darryl: [trying to talk Michael out of jumping off the roof] Mike, you're a very brave man. I mean, it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day, knowing full well you got to be you.
Michael: Do you really mean that?
Darryl: I couldn't do it. I ain't that strong and I ain't that brave.

Jim: [after seeing a Moonbounce castle and Michael up on the roof pretending he's about to kill himself] He's going to kill himself pretending to kill himself.

Dwight: Yes. I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years. Which I'm looking forward to. It's an Amish technique. It's like slapping someone with silence. I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.

Kevin: If anyone gives you 10,000 to one on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude.

Darryl: We do dangerous stuff, man. This is shenanigans, foolishness. Nerf ball. You live a sweet little Nerfy life, sittin' on your biscuit, never having to risk it.

Dwight: Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned?
Jim: Andy, Dwight says welcome back and that he could use a hug.
Dwight: Okay. Tell him that that's not true.
Jim: Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks.
Dwight: Okay, no, Jim.
Andy: [chuckles] You guys.
Dwight: Tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim, tell him!
[Andy walks away to his desk]
Jim: Andy... No, it's too far.
Dwight: [pause] Damn you.

Toby: Creed is eating an apple. I found a potato.

[Michael is on the roof and Dwight is below with a bullhorn]
Michael: My life! Oh, my life!
Dwight: Michael, what's wrong?
Michael: Everything's wrong. The stress of my modern office has caused me to go into a depression!
Dwight: Depression? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling "bummed out"?
Michael: Dwight, you ignorant slut! Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32,000 people commit suicide every year according to a 2004 study.
Dwight: Is that the last year the data was available?
Michael: Yes.

Michael: [after bouncing a watermelon onto a car by accident] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Deactivate the car alarm, clean up the mess.
Dwight: Okay.
Michael: Find out whose car that is. If it's Stanley's, call the offices of James P. Albini, see if he handles hate crimes.

Michael: [during safety training] Seasonal affective disorder. A depression that includes weight gain, fatigue, irritability, brought on by the low light of winter.
Darryl: Thank God we only had a baler to deal with.
Lonny: Yeah, that dim light is a bitch, ain't it?

Michael: Dwight, you ignorant slut!

Dwight: Hey! Guys, listen up, Michael is up on the roof and acting strange.
Andy: Whoa! What's the situation?
Dwight: Un-shun. I think he's suffering from depression. Re-shun.
Andy: Okay, when's the shunning thing going to end?
Dwight: Un-shun. Never. Re-shun. I think he wants you all to come out to the parking lot and watch him *die*.
Stanley: Is it nice outside?
Dwight: It's gorgeous. Let's go!
Stanley: Do I need my jacket?
Dwight: No, it really is. It's very nice. Come on!
Ryan: Will I be too warm in a long-sleeve tee?
Dwight: Everyone's going to be fine in exactly what they're wearing! Let's go!

Michael: Heart disease kills more people than balers.
Lonny: That's called having a fat butt, Michael.
Michael: No. No, it's sedentary.
Lonny: Yeah, yeah, that's fat butt disease. That's what you suffer from? You have fat butt disease, Michael?
Kelly: Excuse me, sea monster, you weigh like a thousand pounds.
Lonny: Yeah?
Kelly: Yeah.
Lonny: I bet you'd like to swim with this sea monster, wouldn't you?
Kelly: Ryan!
Lonny: Dude, please tell your girl to shut up.
Kelly: What?
Ryan: Kelly, you've insulted the gentleman. Please apologize.
Kelly: Are you kidding me?

Michael: An office is as safe as the people in it. And sometimes those people can drive you to do crazy things to show the dangers of the office. That's the danger I found myself in today. I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can't say. But, yes.

Karen: [about all of the betting on random things] I don't know this place as well as I thought I did. I'm getting cleaned out.

- one single fact about bear attacks.
- Okay. No, Jim. You guys.
- Tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run.
- Jim, tell him!
- Andy... no, it's too far.
- Damn you.

Michael: Darryl thinks he's such a man because he works in a warehouse. Well, big deal! I worked in a warehouse. Men's Wearhouse. I was a greeter. I'd like to see Darryl greet people. He'd probably make them feel like wimps. Not me, I... "Hello, I'm Michael. Welcome to Men's Wearhouse. We have a special on khaki pants today." This is one example.

Dwight: [about Michael jumping off the roof onto a bouncy castle] When you land, try and land like an eight-year-old. These bouncy castles are not designed for adults.

[Ryan is watching his watch while Kelly is seated on the desk in front of him talking. The rest of the office staff are seen in the background watching their conversation]
Kelly: So then the next movie moves to the top of the queue. So number five becomes number four, number six becomes number five, number three becomes number two, etcetera, etcetera. And let's just say that I just sent back "Love Actually," which was awesome. And they sent me "Uptown Girls," which is also awesome. But guess what, now I want to see "Love Actually" again, but it's at the bottom of the queue. Oh, no, what do I do? What I do is this. I go online, I go click, click, click, and I change the order of the queue so that I can see "Love Actually" as soon as I want to. It's so easy, Ryan. Do you really not know how Netflix works?
Ryan: I guess I forgot.
[stands up, smiles and kisses Kelly on the forehead before collecting his winnings]
Kelly: You're such a ditz.
Kevin: Ryan, well done. Two minutes, 42 seconds. Additionally, Pam, you win $10 because she said "awesome" 12 times. And Jim, you win $5 because she mentioned six romantic comedies.
[Pam and Jim smile in delight]

Jim: Hey, Michael, don't jump on the bouncy castle.

Michael: [comparing the warehouses's safety training to theirs] They used props, they used visual aids and they just made us look like dopes.
Dwight: Idiots! God, what are we going to *do*?
Michael: I don't know. I don't know. Because you know what our killer is?
Michael: [simultaneously] Depression.
Dwight: [simultaneously] Wolves.
Michael: [pause] Depression.
Dwight: Visual aids?
Michael: Yes.
Dwight: A quilt. A depression quilt?

Darryl: How many people a year do you think get their arms cut off in a baler?
Michael: Bail 'er? I hardly know her.
Lonny: Damn it, Michael, pay attention, man.