The Best The Office, Season 5, Episode 22 Quotes

- is that brother fought against brother.
- For what? What purpose did that serve, apart from abolishing slavery?
- In that case, war was the right choice.
- This doesn't feel as important, though.
- That's just how the world works, I guess.

Dwight: Thank you, Mr. Scofield, for your time. Much appreciated. Oh
[looks down to read the business card notes]
Dwight: and tell me, um. How's your gay son?
Mr. Schofield: [pause] Excuse me?
[awkward silence]
Michael: [cut to Michael's talking head] I color code all my info. I wrote gay son in green. Green means go. So I know to go ahead and shut up about it. Orange, means orange you glad you didn't bring it up. Most colors mean don't say it.
Dwight: [cuts back to Scofield's office] How is, uh, Tom. The homosexual sophomore?

Andy: [to Jim] I am your traveling pants.

Michael: U-G-L-Y/You ain't got no alibi./You ugly.
Michael: Huh, huh.
Michael: You ugly./You mama say you ugly. Hey!/Go Michael Scott Paper Company!

- but then she was sleeping with Dwight for...
- Several years. Wait, no, that can't be right.
- No, timeline's messy.
- Anyway, now we are going bargain hunting in the haunted graveyard of their love.
- This is my solo.

- 'cause I feel like I could sit here and talk for hours.
- What is that thing that Dwight always says?
- "Paper is the soil in which the seeds of business grow..."
- It's not the soil, it's the manure!
- Paper is the manure!
- On-time delivery is the soil!

Dwight: When Michael was in charge, this place was like the Roman Empire. And the Wild West. And war-torn Poland. And Poland.

Charles: Michael, I want you to stop pestering my salesmen and I want you to leave Dunder Mifflin alone. Do you understand?
Michael: [slowly] I understand *nothing*.

Pam: Things are a little slow here. And there's only so much cold-calling you can do in a day. Turns out there's no limit to the number of cheese puffs you can throw at someone's face.
[Michael throws a cheese puff and Pam catches it in her mouth]
Pam: We're getting pretty good at it.

- Things are a little slow here.
- And there's only so much cold-calling you can do in a day.
- Turns out there's no limit to the number of cheese puffs you can throw at someone's face.
- We're getting pretty good at it.

- Personal hero, cool new guy.
- Okay, I think I'm getting your drift.
- Good, so you see what I'm saying.
- Crystal clear.
- So is this for a movie that you're writing? No.
Michael: Can I use it?

[Dwight enters the Harper-Collins office to intercept Michael's meeting with Mr. Schofield. The receptionist can do nothing to stop him]
Receptionist: Uh, hello Dwight...
Dwight: Spin-move!
[he bursts through the door to Mr. Schofield's office]
Dwight: Ha ha! April 13th, 2002.
Mr. Schofield: Dwight. I'm in a meeting.
Michael: That's very rude...
Dwight: I barge because I care. April 13th, 2002. That is the date when you tried to switch paper providers for an obscure sociology textbook, but were hung out to dry when the price of glossy stock increased.
Mr. Schofield: Maybe we should schedule a meeting on our...
Dwight: Blablablablablah! Continuing. Notice my persistence and recall. Continuing! You called Dunder Mifflin and your order was filled within an hour!
Michael: I'm going to pull a date out of the air right now: April 13th, 2002. That is the last day that you evaluated your paper needs. Is it not? We all know that the economy is bad, and bloated companies like Dunder Mifflin are going to fall by the wayside.
Dwight: Come on...
Michael: Two of their branches have closed within the last year. The Michael Scott Paper Company, however, has opened a new branch this very month.
Dwight: What he's not telling you is that he will abandon you.
Mr. Schofield: Why don't you guys just email me your best offers, and we can finish it up that way.
Michael: [shakes Schofield's hand] That sounds like a fantastic idea. I will see you this weekend for the Penguins. Box seats as usual.
Mr. Schofield: Uh, okay. Sure.
Dwight: [shakes Schofield's hand] Thank you, Mr. Schofield, for your time. Much appreciated. Oh, and tell me, um... How's your gay son?