The Best Two and a Half Men, Season 2, Episode 20 Quotes

Jake: [out of the blue] You know, if you guys were queer, we would be what they call an "alternated family".

Charlie: Hey, if I want your opinion, I'll ask your ex-wife.
Alan: Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Well, if I want *your* opinion, I'll ask one of the dozens of women you have meaningless, casual sex with.

Charlie: Alan, you're like an Alzheimer's victim in a whorehouse.
Alan: Excuse me?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised when you've been screwed... and you don't want to pay for it!

Charlie: You know, it wouldn't kill you to talk to Mom once in a while.
Alan: You don't know that.

Charlie: You smile and tell everybody what they want to hear, but I *know* what goes on inside your grinning little puppet head!
Alan: You don't have a *clue* what's going on inside my little puppet head, because to *know* that, you would have to be capable of perceiving a world that exists beyond the tip of your *penis*!

Rose: [Rose suggests therapy for Alan and Charlie] Well, I could refer you to the woman I talk to, but she doesn't exist.

Charlie: [to Alan] *Don't* talk about my penis! You have *not* earned the right!

Alan: Would you mind toasting my buns, please?
Charlie: [tips his beer bottle] To your buns!